The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to a debate. Here's some more presidential madness from my tiny mind.
Cobra Commander And The Issues
"Greetings America," Cobra Commander stood behind a podium. "Presidential candidate Cobra Commander here. Since I wasn't invited to the latest debate…"
"For obvious reasons," Crystal Ball called out offstage.
"Honestly I don't understand why I wasn't at least offered," Cobra Commander added. "I mean one of the candidates is already considered a criminal by some people."
"Yeah, what's one more?" Crystal Ball added.
"Tonight, I am going to answer some very important questions thanks to our esteemed panel," Cobra Commander pointed. "Destro, The Baroness, Crystal Ball…And Torch. How did you get on the panel?"
"I won the Checkers tournament!" Torch said proudly.
"Okay whatever," Cobra Commander sighed. "Never let it be said folks that I don't listen to the lowest common denominator. And they can't get any lower than Torch. Destro, you start."
"Thank you, Commander. My first question deals with the economy," Destro spoke. "Cobra Commander, how would you fix the American economy?"
"Jobs, jobs, jobs!" Cobra Commander pounded the podium with his fist. "More tax incentives for small businesses. Breaking up huge monopolies and larger corporations. Making it legal for every state to have at least twelve Amazon delivery warehouses. Except for Rhode Island because it's so small. Forcing schools to teach classes for the competitive job market. Screw English and history classes! Let's teach plumbing and electrical engineering!"
"Cobra Commander," The Baroness read. "What is your position on border security?"
"I'm for it," Cobra Commander said. "Walls, dogs, border patrol agents, robot dogs, robot border patrol agents, drones, killer drones. The whole bit. And when I am president, I will send the National Guard where it's most needed. Downtown Chicago!"
"And as I have stated before, we move the border down to Belize," Cobra Commander added. "Taking over several smaller countries who send their people to America anyway. This way they have to pay taxes and we get more states. Win-Win."
"Cobra Commander," Crystal Ball asked. "What is your plan to deal with climate change?"
"Two words," Cobra Commander said. "Weather Dominator. Next question."
"Cobra Commander," Torch spoke up. "What is your position on illegal immigrants eating pets?"
Cobra Commander was stunned. "Is this really a thing? It sounds like it's not a real thing."
"It isn't," Destro sighed.
"So…Fake news?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Pretty much," Destro nodded.
"Okay normally I'm all for fake propaganda to spread fear and terror and all that…" Cobra Commander paused. "But you have to make it sound plausible. And that…I haven't heard anything like that! That's a little whacked out even for me."
Crystal Ball spoke up. "And keep in mind this is from a guy who uses a weather dominator, giant plants, ghosts and dinosaurs in his schemes for world domination."
"I've heard of people stealing pets for ransom," Baroness spoke up. "Or selling them for money but not eating them."
"Yeah, that sounds completely made up," Cobra Commander nodded. "I mean if we're talking about pet chickens or turkeys I could see it. But not dogs or cats."
"I'd like to speak as a member of the illegal immigrant community," Torch spoke up. "I have never eaten a cat or a dog in my life and never has any of my mates! We did once eat an iguana…But that was a wild one and it was only to win a bet!"
"Okay so…" Cobra Commander paused.
"Again, a wild iguana!" Torch kept going. "Not a pet!"
"All right then," Cobra Commander nodded.
"We never ate a dog or a cat!" Torch said proudly. "Never, never, never! I mean we scared a lot of them but never ate 'em!"
"As I was saying…" Cobra Commander tried again.
Torch went on. "We did once eat someone's pig, but they were going to slaughter it anyway. Technically it wasn't a pet. It was livestock."
"Livestock is not the same as pets," Cobra Commander nodded. "Anyway…"
Torch added. "I did once set a parrot on fire but that was a complete and total accident. See what happened…"
"No one wants to hear it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As I was saying…"
"Full disclosure," Torch went on. "I did eat the parrot. But only because it was already cooked…"
"TORCH!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Didn't taste that good anyway," Torch added. "Even with barbecue sauce."
"TORCH!" Cobra Commander snapped. "SHUT UP! The point we are trying to make is that nobody is eating anybody's pets. If they we're I'm pretty sure Fox News would have done a story by now. So, no pets being eaten. Fake news. People who are putting this out…Do better. Come on! Come on!"
"Let's move on," Destro sighed. "Commander, health care costs are astronomically high. How do you propose to bring them down?"
Cobra Commander explained. "Well for starters we should make it legal for people to buy either government or private health insurance across different states. This will make more competitive pricing."
Destro blinked. "That's actually a pretty good idea."
"Yes, well it's not going to matter anyway," Cobra Commander waved. "Because under my administration comprehensive health care plans aren't going to cost more than twenty bucks anyway."
"How are you going to accomplish that?" Destro asked.
"Oh, lots of ways," Cobra Commander waved. "Installing microchips in people's brains so they can help their bodies for a start. New experimental drugs. Harvesting organs from prisoners who died of natural causes…"
"Natural causes?" The Baroness asked.
"It's pretty natural for people to die in riots," Crystal Ball quipped.
"We're also working on our own Matrix program," Cobra Commander added. "You know? Downloading people's minds into a giant virtual reality where they can live their ultimate dreams and fantasy."
"You actually think people will willingly live inside a fake reality?" Destro asked. "And even as I asked the question…"
"Compared the reality we have now that sounds like a sweet deal," Torch spoke up. "I'd do it."
"And I'd pull the life support on you," The Baroness remarked. "Actually, I'm on board with that."
"Let's move on," Destro sighed. "Cobra Commander what is your position on fracking?"
"I'm going to be honest Destro," Cobra Commander told him. "I'm not a fan of it. I think we can get energy in other more efficient ways."
"Really?" Destro asked. "Such as…?"
"Well stealing resources like oil and gas from our enemies for a start," Cobra Commander went on. "Developing fuel alternatives from algae or plants or giant vegetables. Solar power by putting solar farms on the moon. Creating some kind of tesseract thing for a power source. Portable nuclear fission. All sorts of new and creative ideas to solve our energy crisis."
"Interesting," Destro remarked.
"Besides we tried that whole fracking thing at Cobra and it was a complete and total disaster," Cobra Commander waved. "It completely destroyed one of our bases!"
"I remember that," The Baroness groaned. "We barely escaped with our lives!"
"Complete and total disaster," Destro admitted.
"I don't know," Torch spoke up. "I liked it when the water that came out of the tap was on fire."
"Moving on," Destro coughed. "Baroness you had a question?"
"Yes," Baroness nodded. "Commander what is your position on abortion bans?"
"I'm not touching that sucker with a ten-foot pole," Cobra Commander told her. "Although I am for certain late term abortions…Thirty to fifty years after a kid is born. Looking at you Torch!"
"Good because I have another question," Torch nodded.
"Oh good, Torch has another question," Cobra Commander sighed. "What is it, Torch?"
"This is a very important question," Torch said seriously. "Which is better. Ginger or Mary Ann?"
"Neither, it's Mrs. Howell all the way," Cobra Commander told him. "Next question."
"OOH! Ooh!" Torch raised his hand. "I got another question!"
"What is it, Torch?" Cobra Commander sighed.
Torch asked. "Who was better on Bewitched? Dick York or Dick Sargent?"
"Well since they both played the same idiot there really is no difference," Cobra Commander waved. "Darren was played by two Dicks. Very fitting for his character. Next question!"
"Here's an interesting one," Crystal Ball quipped. "What are your plans on the war on terrorism?"
"I hate competition," Cobra Commander told him. "Let's just say I have plans. Next question."
"What about the war in Ukraine?" Destro asked.
"I'm pretty ticked off about it," Cobra Commander said. "How dare Russia invade that country before me? I'm going to have a few words with Putin about that!"
"And by words," Crystal Ball spoke up. "You mean bombs?"
"That goes without saying," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"You can't bomb Russia, Commander," The Baroness gasped.
"Well not with that attitude!" Cobra Commander told her.
"They have nuclear weapons!" The Baroness told him.
"They won't when I'm done," Cobra Commander said. "Honestly nobody will have nuclear weapons when I'm done."
"That's because they'll all be used!" Crystal Ball snapped. "You don't need to look inside me to see where that's going!"
"Right down to World War Three Lane," Destro added. "Intersecting with Apocalypse Boulevard."
"Okay fine!" Cobra Commander waved. "We won't bomb Russia. We'll just steal all their rubles or whatever. Next question."
Torch spoke up. "Here's a question. Great taste or less filling?"
"What is this?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The 80's? It's obvious that it's great taste! You're going to get filled up either way! Might as well do it to a taste you like!"
Cobra Commander paused. "I'd like to say something. I'm getting sick of all these medication commercials. Whatever happened to the fun beer commercials? Alcohol is an anti-depressant I can get behind!"
"Actually Commander…" Destro stopped. "Never mind."
"I do however like the commercial where they all sing and dance about lowering your A1C," Cobra Commander said. "Whatever that is. That's a fun one. Just make commercials more fun and happier. Because the world is depressing enough."
"I know my life certainly is. Next question," Destro sighed. "What other policy changes do you have in mind if you get to the White House?"
"Well for starters I'm going to completely redecorate the building," Cobra Commander said. "White is so last century. Let's go for making it a Gold House!"
"I see…" Destro kept a straight face.
"Also, I'm going to put a swimming pool in the press room," Cobra Commander said. "All press must wear a bathing suit. A tasteful bathing suit! No speedos or bikinis. In some cases, cover ups will be mandatory. The best part is if the press annoys me, I'll just throw a shark in there to get them out. The ones that are too slow…Well that's one way of giving new talent a break."
"The Rose Garden could use some updating too. Put in some of those killer giant flytraps Mindbender has lying around. That will add to our security."
"When I am president, I will also add three to five new federal holidays. Not only will most people get the day off. I'll get the day off! With pay!"
"I am also adding several new judges to the Supreme Court. Including the clone of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. More judges. More cases they can hear. And more of them will be on my side in case I get impeached or something."
"I'm also implementing new rules if we need to nominate a new house majority leader," Cobra Commander went on. "It involves a cage match and pay per view. Next question…Baroness…"
The Baroness spoke. "Commander, what are your views concerning artificial intelligence?"
"Well since I've seen so little actual intelligence among the general population…" Cobra Commander told her. "I'm not that concerned."
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Torch raised his hand.
"Case in point," Cobra Commander pointed at Torch. "Yes Torch. What now?"
"Do you support artificial sweeteners in grape sodas?" Torch asked.
"Does cyanide count?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Next question."
"Cobra Commander," Crystal Ball spoke up. "What is your position on gender neutral bathrooms?"
"As long as people stay out of mine, I don't care where they go," Cobra Commander told him. "Next question."
"Commander," The Baroness spoke up. "What is your position on affirmative action?"
"I think we should take action," Cobra Commander quipped. "Affirmatively."
"No, I mean…" The Baroness paused. "How do you respond to critics saying that Cobra doesn't reflect society as a whole? I mean let's be honest. Cobra isn't exactly a model of diversity."
"What are you talking about?" Cobra Commander asked. "I have every type of lunatic, nut job, fruitcake, psychopath and looney toon you can think of! And several I don't want to think of!"
"Yes, but they're mostly straight white males," The Baroness asked.
"Have you met some of our troops?" Crystal Ball asked. "They're not all that straight!"
"Totally," Torch nodded. "I'd be lying if I didn't say I kissed a few people of different genders and liked it."
"Torch you're barely human much less…" Cobra Commander paused. "What are you getting at Baroness?"
"It's the white male thing she's referring too," Destro explained. "And now that I think about it…She has a point. Practically all of us are white!"
"Look it's not like I've been actively barring people of color," Cobra Commander explained. "Believe me, I would welcome anyone of any color, race or creed into Cobra as long as they're willing to do whatever I say when I say it! How hard is that?"
"In our case recruitment is an issue," Destro explained.
"Look we'll work on that," Cobra Commander waved. "Yes, Torch?"
Torch spoke up. "Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? If your mum says not to chew it, do you swallow it in spite?"
Cobra Commander sighed. "Yeah, we really need to get new people into this organization. Okay that's enough for tonight. These are the issues the American people are concerned about. More or less. My name is Cobra Commander…"
"A man with a lot of issues," Crystal Ball quipped. "And people have a lot of issues with him!"
