Sense and Senselessness
The omnipresent edge of the forest made me increasingly nervous. Also or just because after three days we still had not noticed any trace of our enemies. It was early afternoon and the Old Forest Road would soon appear before us, at least that's what Gimli had been predicting for several hours. We had made good progress - not least because the weather was cooperating. But the traces of fall could no longer be overlooked, and it seemed less and less likely that we would make it back to Minas Tirith in time for the onset of winter. The thought of spending the cold months on the road with Legolas and Gimli, fleeing from elves, humans, dwarves, and the dark forces, worried me. After all, who would welcome us into their home without ulterior motives? So far away from Minas Tirith, we could not trust anyone, and if I was honest, I could not have done so in the city. For as soon as it became known that I was walking around with the splinters of a Silmaril in my pocket, I had to expect to be attacked. Only a ruler would be able to protect me. But Aragorn was far away and the only time Legolas had mentioned his father, he had called him my king, which didn't seem like an intimate father-son relationship to me. Still, we needed a place to stay. The only question was: which one would it be?
"At last!" Gimli clenched his right hand into a fist. "I knew that bloody road would be here somewhere."
Still sitting on Arod, I stretched - and sure enough! Some distance away, I saw a stone-lined road winding into the forest, coming from the west over the Misty Mountains. Before we had quite reached it, both Legolas and Gimli reined in the horses. "We will spend the night here before riding into the forest tomorrow," Legolas said. "It is safer that way. The creatures are more dangerous in the dark."
For the last few nights that we had camped on the edges of the Greenwood, we had not lit a fire or spoken particularly loud. The high grass had protected us from view, and Legolas had also convinced the horses to lie down. Today it was Gimli's turn to check the surrounding area, while Legolas and I prepared the night's camp. After that, the dwarf would also take the first watch.
When Legolas and I were alone, I asked, "Where do we go from here?"
"What do you mean?"
"The task of finding me a way home was already not a particularly easy one, but ever since Celeborn revealed that I was walking around with the remains of an elven treasure in my pockets, I feel like I'm wearing a target on my forehead. Who is going to help us, Legolas? What should we do anyway? I'm not even sure it can be about getting back home for me now."
He was silent as he stroked the neck of Arod, who had dropped to his knees with a snort, then to the ground altogether.
"Most of all, I would love to bury the cursed stones somewhere and go back to Minas Tirith."
"To never return to your world?" he countered.
"What are the chances that the remains of the Silmaril will take me there?"
"I can't say, but if they brought you here, there's a chance they'll bring you back. Are you just going to give up?"
I winced. His last question had sounded and felt as sharp as a knife blade. "And if that were the case?"
"Then I would tell you that this is not the Aspen I've met."
With a shake of my head, I turned away. "Opinions can change, Legolas. Sometimes you have to adapt to circumstances, even if it's not the solution you initially hoped for. I know that elves like to stick to plans once they've been made, but we... I'm not like that."
"You don't really mean that."
I spun around so fast that my braid was sent flying through the air. "Do you want me to leave? Get out of here once and for all so you don't have to-" I broke off.
"So I don't have to what?" he asked dangerously quiet. We measured each other with glances. It was like that time in the library when he'd offered me the deal. Neither of us wanted to back down, and I wasn't sure there would be a compromise this time.
"If you think giving up is not an option, then what should I do?", I finally asked. My voice sounded just like I felt: tired. "It's no longer just about finding the third part. What happens when the silmaril has been reassembled? You know that part of the light is still trapped in the remains. Do we even need to put it back together? Or was it destroyed for a reason? A reason that has nothing to do with Morgoth and the evil? You can't say, and neither can I. Maybe this is just a thing that can't be left in the hands of..." Again I faltered, exhaling.
The elf stood up. "In the hands of a human?"
"Yes."
He stepped behind me. Way too close. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "Your hands have carried the remains to the gates of the Greenwood, unharmed and without inflicting pain on anyone."
"And I'm dragging a trail of pursuers behind me that's growing larger by the minute," I countered with bitterness. "If I had just kept my mouth shut and done my job at the Golden Crow, it never would have come to this. I simply should have been content with what I had. Instead..." Frustrated, I threw a hand in the air. "After all, what's the big deal with my world anyway? Yes, technology may be a head-turner... but people don't pay attention to each other anymore. They live past each other, families see each other so rarely that my little nephew asked me my name before I left because he couldn't remember it. All that matters is to perform, to function, constantly and everywhere. The individual person doesn't count as long as the machinery somehow keeps turning. We are falling apart, Legolas, piece by piece. Our society is on the verge of breakdown, our system collapsing. Some live in late Roman decadence, while in other parts of my world thousands of people a year die of hunger and disease, square kilometer after square kilometer of rainforest burn down every day, species go extinct, and no one does anything!" I had almost yelled the last words. "I haven't told you this before because it didn't seem important, but maybe it is. Maybe I was right to come here. Maybe I was just looking for the way home because it was easier to pretend I wanted to go back to that world than to arrive in this one."
Fuck. Taking a deep breath, I swallowed down the lump that had formed in my throat. Had I really had to travel through half of Middle Earth to realize that? Or had it been the journey itself that had brought me to this realization - and the people I had met on it?
The Elf had listened to me, remaining completely silent. "I didn't realize things were so bad in your world."
I scoffed. "Oh believe me, most people of my time would think me dramatic. It's always worked so far, they'd say. Why wouldn't it this time? But I could hardly bear then, before my fall into this world, to go on listening to the lies that were nothing more than empty words, made to keep us in the broken system for another year, another month, another day. Without coming up with any real solutions. They're just kicking out trouble spots, and even that they can't get right." Now that I had finally voiced what had obviously been on my mind for a long time, it was clearer ever before. "I was looking for something that made sense, but anything that threw off enough to survive was beyond pointless." I ran my hand over my forehead. "Shit, I sound like someone who hated their old life. But it's not... it wasn't like that. Until... now."
The flood of words that had burst out of me was exhausting. And I realized all at once that I had revealed more about myself to the elf than I had intended. Perhaps too much.
Cautiously, I lifted my head to see how much damage I had done. To my surprise, I saw no rejection in his eyes. Rather, he looked at me thoughtfully, as if my words had touched something in him, too. Finally he said, "Whatever your world is to you now, don't you think that the sense you seek has long since reached you?"
"What do you mean?", I asked.
"Do you still remember the words of the old woman from Rohan?"
Slowly, I nodded as I tried to recall them. She had said that she believed that none of this had happened by chance. That our fall through time had had a deeper cause. "You mean my job is to solve the mystery of the broken silmaril?"
He tilted his head. "Maybe the woman who gave you the stone was looking for a person like you. A person who wanted to escape. But however your story ends, you should not rule out returning to your world."
"Why?"
"Because it may be just what you need to do to complete the task." Legolas hesitated before adding, "You should not stay in Middle Earth because you are afraid of what might await you."
I knew he was giving me good advice. He was right. And yet, in that moment, I felt rejected. By him. Because would he have given me that advice if he wanted to keep me with him?
With a sigh, I dropped to the ground and pulled the Elf's cloak he had left me tighter around my shoulders. "So what are we going to do now? The next few days, I mean."
He crouched down. "We follow the Men-i-Naugrim toward Esgaroth. I still think we should find the third part of your Silmaril. The library will give us answers to some questions, for I have an idea who might be able to help us."
"You do?"
"Let's talk about that later," he said. "And don't get your hopes up too high. It's nothing more than a gut feeling."
Before I could bite my tongue, I replied, "I've stopped expecting anything." And I was just able to hold back the from you.
Still, the elf looked at me sharply and I noticed a contemplative wrinkle form on his forehead for just a brief moment. This time it was I who broke our eye contact and curled up in a ball.
So that whatever was to happen, would happen.
