Falling Apart
His question caught me off guard. So off guard that I had no answer except to keep staring at him as if he were a ghost.
"What are you doing in this part of the forest, woman," the Elf behind me said, still not releasing his iron grip on my arm. I looked at Legolas for a moment longer. He seemed so different. Colder. More distant. Then I lowered my gaze and swallowed, trying to gather my thoughts before the elves would lose patience with me. The Silmaril. It must have hurled me through time, just as Maglor had said it would. The fact that I had ended up in this place of all places was both a lucky and cruel coincidence. Perhaps it had brought me here because Legolas and I were connected – no matter where, no matter when. Except that this version of him had never seen me before.
Very slowly, the new reality seeped into my consciousness and into my still aching head. I had to adapt to it, quickly. And I had to figure out exactly when I was. Before the ring war? After? Or in a completely different millennium? After all, Legolas was old. In any case, it had to have been before we met. Or had it?
"Speak." He looked at me, the same piercing gaze that had riddled me so many times before.
"I..." I broke out in cold sweat. Lie, I thought, I had to lie. My eyes dropped to the pants I was wearing and I remembered that Maglor had brought them from Lake Town. They were clothes from Esgaroth, maybe that would save my life. "I'm lost." As close to the truth as possible, as far from it as necessary. "We were on our way home to Lake Town, taking a break. I lost my path and then couldn't figure out how to get back."
A small frown showed me that he wasn't buying my story. "You and what group?"
"My father and his group of traders."
"Your father is taking you on a trading venture?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
Part of me would have liked to slap him for the dismissive undertone, but I knew they would tie me up before I even got a chance to swing. So I resorted to sarcasm. "Some daughters take better care of the family business than most sons, Lord Elf."
My eyes must have given away what I was thinking, because a slight smirk was now playing around his lips. Then he retorted: "This daughter seems to have her head in the clouds, otherwise she wouldn't have lost her way."
"I wasn't trained to find the way."
"But?"
I snatched my arm from the elf who was still holding me. "'Why would you care?"
"Well," Legolas took a step towards me. His sudden proximity made me freeze as his scent enveloped me in the same way it had the last time we had been together – on the couch in my old apartment in London. It felt like it was an aeon away and even though my head knew it wasn't him, I couldn't control my body's reaction. "You are in my father's realm, in my realm. The way I see it, you have to answer when I ask you a question."
Using all my strength, I lifted my gaze and met his eyes. They were just as bright as I remembered them to be. Only they weren't looking at me in the same way. "I have answered your questions, more than one, but none of my answers were to your liking." I didn't give in, withstanding his glance. He expelled the air lightly, then turned away.
"We'll take her with us," he said, still in Westron so I could understand. "Perhaps you will remember in our cells who your father is and which trading group you belong to."
I said nothing in reply. I expected he would do that. This was not the Legolas I had come to know. As hard as it was for me to accept this fact, I couldn't deny it. By now I was almost certain that the Silmaril must have spat me out before the Ring War, for the Elf who now walked over to the spider's cadaver and pulled his arrow and knife from it had his priorities in the Woodland Realm. That was more than clear. But then… why didn't Legolas from Minas Tirith knew me already?
"Hurry, before the spiders gather enough courage for a second attack." Without giving me another glance, he took his place at the head of the party and left it to his trusted companions to prepare me for the journey into the heart of the forest, to the halls of his father. The Elf, whom I had just pushed back, grabbed me again, put my arms behind my back and tied me up with a rope. Then he gave me a gentle shove, enough to make it clear that he didn't want to hurt me, but to ensure that I joined the departing elves.
The walk through the woods was uneventful. The spiders obviously decided it wasn't worth the risk of messing with the elves. It gave me time to think about my situation. My senses were still foggy and I found it hard to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. It had to be the after-effects of time travel.
Nevertheless, I had to find out what time I was in so that I could assess what was going to happen to me. What would happen around me. In all the time we had spent in the library of Minas Tirith, Gimli and Legolas had talked a lot about the Ring War, about the hobbits and what had happened to them on their journey as the Fellowship of the Ring. Therefore, I had a rough idea of the time before my fall to Middle Earth.
My first fall, I would have to say from now on.
The realization that I had been torn from a familiar environment yet again hadn't quite hit me fully. It felt so surreal, but different from the first time. Because this time, not everything was alien to me.
Instead, fate had presented me with a new challenge. Now I had to suppress old memories when dealing with people I not only knew, but who had become part of my family. I had to pretend that they meant nothing to me because I was nothing more than a stranger to them. The fact that this meant I was alone once again, even more so than four years ago, felt like someone had rammed a knife into my chest and was slowly turning it around. I wasn't ready to accept this reality just yet, even though I knew I had no other choice.
Where were the Valar now? Had this been part of their plan? I could feel my throat getting tight. To stop the tears from coming, I bit the inside of my cheek until it was bloody. Now was not the time for emotions. Not in this situation. Still, I couldn't take my eyes off Legolas' back.
Another thing was the question of whether I could still pursue my mission. The elves had only taken the dagger from me, obviously they didn't think I was much of a threat. That was lucky for me, because they hadn't checked whether I had any other things on me. I didn't know if the real shards had traveled with me or if I had lost them somewhere, sometime. I needed to find that out at least as urgently as the year I was in. But to do that, I would have to wait until I was alone.
And so I plodded through Mirkwood in the Elf's firm grip, afraid of being held captive in the cells of the Woodland Realm once again for the rest of my life, for I could not answer Legolas' question. The truth was too far-fetched for him to believe. With my luck, they already thought I was a spy for the enemy – which in this case had to be Sauron.
After what felt like an eternity, we finally reached the entrance to Thranduil's realm. When the gates appeared before me, my eyes grew wide despite my worries. I had seen them before, but they had lost none of their imposing grandeur. On the contrary, they looked even more impressive.
We crossed the bridge and passed through the gates. Behind them, Legolas said, "Take her to the cells. I'll deal with this later."
"What do you mean, later?" I asked, but he had already turned away and was walking quickly in the other direction. The Elf who had led me here motioned for me to descend the stairs to the prison. I reluctantly followed his instructions, as I could still remember how grim it had been down there.
As we descended the stairs, the Elf said: "You should stop irritating the prince. He has your life in his hands."
A retort was on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it. Instead, I said: "So he's known for his temper."
"No," the guard replied, "but he does what's best for the kingdom and that includes all threats." We had reached the cells and the second guard who had come along unlocked one of them.
"And I'm a threat – alone, armed only with a dagger and nearly eaten alive by Ungoliant's children?"
He looked at me as if I was trying to trick him. Then he replied as he closed the door behind me: "The servants of the enemy come in many forms."
I decided to take a risk. "I am not a servant of the dark tower."
The Elf sighed, "It is not for me to decide what you are." With that, he turned away, taking the second Elf with him. I listened to their footsteps until they faded away, my hands on the bars. So I had been right: The enemy was Sauron and I was in Middle Earth before the beginning of the Ring War. But when exactly?
When I was sure that I was alone and would remain so, I turned and reached into my bodice, heart pounding. My fingers immediately brushed against my smartphone, which had miraculously managed to stay with me again this time. Underneath it was the pouch with the real Silmaril shards. I pulled it out and opened it. All three were there, glowing faintly in the darkness of the cell.
At least that. At least something. If I had them with me, not all was lost. I could still try to turn things around. Well. Turn them for the world, not for me personally. Because something didn't want me to be happy, obviously. So I would do what I had set out to do, even if it cost me everything I had. Which wasn't much.
With a deep sigh, I closed the bag again and hid it in my bodice, just like my smartphone. Then I sat down on the stone bed where I would sleep, drew up my legs and closed my eyes.
I didn't have to wait long before I had another opportunity to ask questions. Barely two hours could have passed when I heard footsteps coming down. They were fast, as if whoever they belonged to was in a hurry. I had sat up when I heard them. But I didn't get up. Whoever it was would have to be patient.
The footsteps stopped in front of my cell. I continued to look at the wall in front of me until I heard a throat clearing. Only then did I turn my head. "What can I do for you, sire?" I asked when I recognized Legolas, who was standing in front of the cell door with his arms crossed. "I did not count on an audience with you so soon."
"Are you happy in this role?" he asked.
"Which one do you mean?"
He shook his head. "You haven't come through the Men-i-Naugrim. I questioned our guards. There have been no trading parties making their way through the forest in the last few days."
With a soft sound of resignation, I ran a hand over my face. You had to admit when you had lost. Sometimes lies didn't travel far, but in my defense: I hadn't been prepared. "I guess you got me there." Why would I deny it? There was no point.
"Who are you?"
"No one who means you any harm." As soon as I had said it, I knew it had been a mistake. Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Why do you think I believe that?"
Now I rose after all and stepped up to the bars of my cell. "Well, you didn't welcome me as a guest, but locked me up in one of your cells instead. I think that points in a certain direction. I am not wanted here."
"No," he said. "You are not."
His words felt like mercury slowly spreading through my chest, painful but true. When I looked at him, I still saw my Legolas. Why couldn't my heart understand that this person only looked like the man I had fallen in love with, but wasn't him?
"What are you going to do with me?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the cold feeling in my chest.
"I have time," he said. "You can stay in this cell for all I care until you're ready to tell me the truth."
"Or die in it."
"If you prefer." With one swift movement, he reached through the bars and grabbed me. At first I thought he was going to wrap his hand around my neck, so I tried to dodge him. But Legolas was too quick. His fingers got hold of the necklace, which had made it through time just like the pouch and my smartphone, and ripped it off my neck. "Not just a liar, but a thief," he said, and I could hear the disgust in his voice.
"Give that back," I hissed.
"It doesn't belong to you. I knew something was wrong with you, but I didn't want to believe that you actually managed to infiltrate my father's realm undetected. How wrong I was."
"You have no idea how wrong you really are," I snapped.
"Then explain it to me." He released me and I took several steps back. The fact that he'd taken away the gift his future self had given me hit me harder than I'd anticipated. It felt like he had robbed me of the last memory of a time that no longer existed. I had known that Legolas protected what he loved, no matter the cost. It had been my good fortune to be counted among his circle of trust, up until now. Being on the other side felt terrible.
"And why would I expect you to believe me?" Now it was me who crossed my arms in front of my chest. They gave me the support I was looking for but couldn't find. "You've been treating me like a suspect ever since you found me in the forest."
"Because you're acting like one. You're lying to me, you're using tricks and you're carrying jewelry that belongs to me."
"Why are you here if you've already made up your mind?"
He looked at me for a moment. "Because I want to know how you got in."
"Not at all."
"Liar."
I snorted to hide the fact that each of his words hurt me some more. "Believe what you want. I never entered your beloved kingdom by choice, and I was given this necklace by someone who meant more to me than my own life. That's the truth." As I finished the sentence, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. It was only now that I truly realized the extent of my loss. Not only had I lost my new, old life, but I had also lost any chance of ever getting it back. If I was before the time Legolas and I had met, then we would never be able to meet again in the same way, because now he already knew me. And he thought I was his enemy. Because of this, and because I didn't want him to see me crying, I turned around and stared at the wall, blinking hard. The spiky ball that was torturing its way up my throat could only be convinced to disappear after swallowing several times.
"I shouldn't have saved you."
"Maybe it would have been better if you had let me die," I said, and meant it. Everything felt hopeless. This conversation was the perfect proof of that. I had lost – again. And it was only a matter of time before Morgoth found me here, too. At the latest when I fell asleep.
"Something only a mortal can say."
"Well." My voice sounded bitter. "If you're not going to accuse me of anything else, we're done here. Go, fight for your kingdom and your father. But do not forget that you have lost something, Prince Legolas. Even though you will never know what it was."
