A Lost Love
The days blurred into one another like a painting of watercolors, structured only by the food the guards frequently brought me. It was simple but I had lived on less savory meals for four years in Minas Tirith, so I didn't mind. Contrary to my initial fear, Morgoth had not visited me in my dreams. I didn't even feel the sensation that had come over me at Erebor, indicating that he was reaching out to me. It was as if he had simply disappeared. Of course, I knew that couldn't be the case, but maybe, just maybe, even for a being as powerful as Morgoth, searching time for me was no easy task. After all, I could be anywhere or nowhere. That gave me at least a little hope in my otherwise desolate situation.
I had not seen Legolas again since our conversation on the first day, nor the necklace he had taken from me. My last memory of the man who had loved me. I didn't know how much time had passed, but what could I do? I was trapped in the cells of the Woodland Realm, no one knew I was here, no one knew me. I was completely alone. Because of this, and because I was going mad with my thoughts spinning through my head in a constant rollercoaster, I had started singing after what felt like four days. Quietly at first, for myself, then louder and louder – to drive away my worries and my fear of Morgoth. Because he would find me. The only question was when.
Singing gave me strength and doing it in a language that no one in Middle Earth knew meant I had something that belonged only to me. I hadn't been lying when I had told Legolas in the dream realm that I used to sing a lot, mostly with my guitar and friends. It had been fun to put my own spin on songs and even back then I had done it especially when I was feeling low. A kind of therapy, because I couldn't afford a real one.
When I was in the middle of a song, I heard footsteps and voices approaching that were surprisingly close. I hadn't noticed them until now because I had been so caught up in the melody that I had only focused on that. When I broke off and opened my eyes, I noticed several elvish guards and a figure whose robes I didn't recognize. They were heading straight for the cell opposite from mine, which had been empty until now. It was only when I took a second look that I realized they were bringing a new captive. I couldn't see who it was, and I probably didn't know him anyway, but I got up regardless.
The guards were in the process of roughly carrying the captive into the cell, the man accompanying them was giving them elvish orders and raising his hand in a calming gesture, when one of the guards pulled out a knife.
I bent a little further forward and drew in a sharp breath. I could see the convict between the cloaks of the elves. He looked human and then again not at all. The creature sat on all fours in the cell, its gaze darting back and forth between the elves and the man talking to the guards. It ducked away every time someone made a sudden movement, as if it was used to being hit.
And while I was still looking at it, our eyes met. It glared at me, making no effort to hide the fact that it had noticed me. Its eyes were large and lamp-like, the little hair that still grew out of its light-colored scalp fell partly into its eyes.
I would have imagined him to be different, taller and less submissive. But there was no doubt that this was just a façade – because he knew he had nothing to oppose the elves with. In front of me, not three meters away, the creature Gollum crouched on the floor of the cell. Panting as if he had been driven through the grassy plain in front of Eryn Lasgalen with swords and sticks. That meant – I held my breath – that the man still standing outside the bars of Gollum's cell could only be one. Aragorn, the future King Elessar.
When they closed the cell door and all but one of the guards had left, Aragorn knelt before the creature's cell. He spoke in a serious, calm voice, "You will tell us what you know, Sméagol. You have chosen to keep it from me, but Mithrandir will pry your secrets from you."
Gollum tore his gaze from mine and hissed at Aragorn. Then he ran to the far corner of his cell on all fours and crouched down. I heard him talking quietly to himself, as if he was trying to reassure himself. Even though I knew what role this creature played in Lord of the Rings, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him at that very moment. He was in a similar situation to me – trapped and alone. The only difference was that I was not guilty of anything except being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Aragorn sighed and stood up. It looked like he was going to leave, but he made up his mind. Shortly after he turned away from Sméagol, he said, "The language you sing in, I have never heard it. And I've traveled far."
The question was clear, but I was too surprised that he had even noticed that I was there, as he hadn't let on until now. And when I answered him, I was even more surprised that I said, "No one speaks it but me."
"No one or no one in these lands?"
"No one in these lands. Where I come from, it is spoken by many."
"And where do you come from, fair lady?"
There was something so disarming about him that I couldn't help but smile. We both knew that I was in a wood elf cell, just like Sméagol, and that there had to be a reason for it.
Nevertheless, Aragorn turned on the charm – perhaps because somebody had spoken to him about me or because he was curious. "I am from somewhere in Europe," I said, knowing full well that would mean nothing to him.
"I've never heard of that either."
"I know." To change the subject, I nodded my chin over towards Sméagol. "So who will I be sharing the cells of the Woodland Realm with from now on?" Of course I knew who he was. But Aragorn didn't need to find out.
"He will not trouble you."
"That is good to know."
Aragorn nodded briefly, then said, "You must know, the Elves are very fond of singing. You could teach them your songs."
"If I weren't behind these bars, perhaps I would," I replied and a grin lit up his face. "Well, that's an argument I'll let stand."
After Aragorn had left, I had curled up like Sméagol and slipped into a restless sleep, characterized by dark shadows with Morgoth's face that reached for me, haunted and chased me. No matter how hard I tried to escape them, they found me every time. And even though I knew it wasn't the real Morgoth, but my own fear of him, I woke up sweaty and crying out in agony.
This pattern repeated itself over the next few days, until I started singing again. I had stopped because I didn't know how Sméagol would react, but he hadn't come out of his corner once so far. I hadn't been able to make out more than the outline of his body and an occasional whisper. He didn't even touch the food the elves put out for him. Because of this, and because I couldn't stand it any longer, I finally dared to sing again, eyes closed, head leaning against the stone wall.
Singing the verses and rhythms that had accompanied me for many years calmed me down. It helped me to focus on something other than the anxiety that was all around me as soon as I closed my eyes and to block out everything else. Just the music and me, at least for a little while.
After I had finished, the silence descended upon me again like an army of loneliness, broken only by Sméagol's irregular breaths, which had been accompanying me for several days already. I kept my eyes closed for a moment, then looked over to his cell. Something had changed: Unlike before, he was no longer crouching in a fetal position somewhere in the shadows, but had crept up to the bars on quiet soles, unnoticed by me. He looked at me attentively, as if he wanted to say something, but then lowered his gaze and trotted back to the back of his cell. It was a strange thought that he had listened to me, but also comforting. In the dark hours, Sméagol's breaths had been the only thing that made me remember that he was keeping me company in a twisted way.
I too wanted to sink back against the stone wall, but I didn't get the chance. Because at that moment, a voice said, "I didn't want to believe him, but he was right."
Legolas stepped into the field of vision of my cell entrance from the side. He was holding something in his hand that I was unable to identify. I immediately tensed, for our last conversation had been anything but friendly and his presence could bode well, but also ill. Or maybe he had only come here because of Sméagol.
When I didn't say anything back, he asked: "What were you singing about?"
I could have continued to ignore him, but I decided against it: "A lost love."
Like Sméagol before, he lowered his gaze, his fingers continuing to play with the object in his hand. "Why didn't you tell me you came from far away?"
"Because you acted like an arrogant fool." And wouldn't have believed me anyway, I added in my mind. Besides, when in doubt, from far away meant from enemy territory. Something I had not wanted to tell him first chance I got. Why I had told Aragorn, I had no idea. Perhaps it had been loneliness.
He laughed and I felt him looking at me. But I did not return his gaze. Instead, I wondered what he wanted. Was he here to burn it in my face that Aragorn had passed our brief conversation on to him? Or was it something else?
"You are aware that you are still in this cell?"
"How could I forget."
"And you offend me."
I straightened up. "Were you planning to let me out?"
"No."
"Then what difference does it make to me?" I was no longer imagining the smirk, but he didn't say anything back. So I asked: "What do you want down here?"
As if my question had given him the push he needed, he replied: "I want to give you something back. I... didn't realize there was more than one piece of it. But you said it was very important to you." He held out his hand and opened it. The necklace was on it.
I eyed him suspiciously. "If I take it, will you go for my throat again?"
"That was also inappropriate and... I apologize for it."
With a sigh, I stood up and took the necklace from Legolas' hand. His fingers were warm, just like the metal. I carefully pushed my hair aside and put the pendant on. Then I tucked it into my dress. As I lifted my head, I noticed Legolas' gaze lingering on my neck. He looked away when I caught him at it.
"Can I help you in any other way, Prince?" I asked.
"Tell me how you got into the woods."
Ah, that's where the wind was blowing from. He was trying the good cop, bad cop shtick, only he was embodying both roles at once. All right then. It was time to test a hypothesis. "I fell through time and woke up in Mirkwood."
"You're lying to me again."
"Am I?"
"No one falls through time."
"If you say so."
He narrowed his gaze at me. "I can't decide if you're a good liar or a sore loser."
"You can't choose your talents."
"So I was right."
"With what?" I leaned against the bars, only a few centimeters separating us. I was aware that I must smell like a skunk, but he didn't let on.
"You are a servant of the enemy."
"Would you believe me if I denied it?"
"I believe nothing that passes your lips. You've been hiding something from me since we first met."
Taking a deep breath, I took a step back. "Because I knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if I told you."
"That's why you resorted to lies?"
"Sometimes lies are easier to believe than the truth."
Legolas looked at me scrutinizingly, as if something was on the tip of his tongue that he did not yet want to say. "Let us assume that your hypothesis is true. You have entered the Woodland Realm through a journey in time." He didn't sound like he was actually considering that possibility. "Do you have any proof of your claim?"
Did I really want to go down this path already? Something told me it was dangerous to reveal too much to Legolas. As I had discovered more than once up to this point, he was not loyal to me, but to his kingdom, to his father. I couldn't even blame him for that. After all, I was a stranger to him. But I wouldn't sit in this damned cell forever either. I had to reveal something. But I had to be careful not to reveal too much. "I speak a language that none of you know."
Our conversation was like a dance. He tried to coax information out of me, I tried to find out how much of the Legolas I had come to love was in him. "You could be from Rhûn. Even Aragorn does not know all the languages spoken there."
"I knew who you were when we met in the forest."
He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I am the firstborn of a royal house, many know what I look like, including mortals."
Fine. Then I had to bring out the big guns. At first I wasn't sure I wanted him to believe me, but now I saw it as the only way to get out of this prison before Morgoth found me. So I said, "The necklace you gave me back."
"What about it?"
"Your father gave it to you. You have always carried it with you since your mother's death because it reminds you of her."
Legolas froze. His gaze became so piercing that it took some willpower not to flinch. "How do you know that?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Do you believe me now?"
With a furrowed brow, he pulled out the necklace that was actually hanging around his neck and looked at it. I didn't know whether he always wore it or if it was because my appearance had reminded him of it. "I don't understand what you're getting at."
Then I had to be more specific. "There are no two versions of this necklace," I said. "The one you're holding in your hand is the same one I have."
"You're dead serious about your story."
"Yes," I said plainly.
"But who would have told you..." He broke off and raised his head. Then I saw a glint of understanding in his eyes. "That's impossible," he said in spite of it.
"Sometimes lies are easier to believe than the truth," I repeated.
He took several steps backwards. His eyes remained fixed on me. "I don't believe a word you say."
Something told me that he did, he just didn't want to admit it to himself yet, but the disappointment that he wasn't willing to believe me now etched deep into my chest. I still remembered how much effort it had taken me to open up to him on the balustrade in Minas Tirith. Admittedly: The conditions had been different. Still, a small part of me had hoped that he would believe me again. But this Legolas was not prepared to do so.
"I know," I said quietly. "Thank you for giving me back the necklace and for saving me from the spiders." That was all I could expect under these circumstances.
