I don't feel human. I'm not even treated like one by some. People will do anything to find your crippling flaws, and they'll milk those and spread them around like wildfires. Was I ever human? I have to be. That's all I am and all I'll ever be, right?

Something's not right.

I almost feel like there's not even a person inside of me. Like "I" no longer exist, and some rotating gears replace that space. Like the world is just a series of monochromatic pictures. Like there's a glass barrier separating my senses from the rest of the world, and every sense I have is just an idea rather than a fact.

Nothing feels real. It's like I'm in a dream. Like I'll wake up, and nothing that happened actually happened. Like I'm just living vicariously through someone else. Like I could kill myself, and I would wake up from the night prior.

I feel like I'm just a material puppet dancing on a pair of strings, made alive by the person whose hands grasp those strings. No matter what I do, I can't escape. There's an artificial heart pumping artificial life through an artificial me.

I'm numb to everything. And yet, I act like I'm not. Like I can care. Like I can love. Like I can feel. But I can't. I don't care about my boyfriend. I don't care if he dies. I don't love him. I don't feel anything towards him or because of him. Nothing. Even the things I used to love and care about…

Are my reasons to live even valid?

I called Katsuki and went to his dorm, and immediately, I hugged him. We hugged for a while. I could feel his warmth seeping into my skin, I could smell the faint fragrance of his cologne, and I could feel his heart beating against my chest. I kissed him, and my body moved on its own; like severed limbs with strings binding them to a puppeteer.

When the kiss faded into a memory, Katsuki asked, "Why?" I asked him if he really loved something like me. He pushed my shoulders against the wall, and he berated me for calling myself an object rather than a living being. He then asked me if I felt like I was unloved. I shook my head, and I asked him if I made him feel unloved because I can't truly reciprocate his love.

What does it mean to "feel loved?" I know Katsuki loves me beyond simply "I love you," because anyone can say that, but Katsuki's meaning of "I love you" is so much different, despite being the same set of words in the same context. I know I'm loved in the sense that people have told me they love and care about me, and I know I'm loved in the sense that I know at least one person loves me deeply. But do I feel loved? I don't know.

Katsuki said, "Sometimes it hurts, but that's just life. Even the things and the people you love the most are gonna hurt you, intentional or not."

Later, I don't know why I asked him, but I said, "I feel like 'I' was created to torture out the 'me' in 'I' so that someone or something else could inhabit where that 'me' is supposed to be. I don't feel like I'm 'me' anymore. My body is the same, but the person pulling the strings… Who is it? I don't know. Katsuki, I don't know…"

I wanted an answer. I knew he didn't know the answer, but I wanted to believe he knew. He didn't say a thing. I feel like he either wanted to tell me that I was an idiot for thinking anyone else but me could possibly make up 'I,' or that he also didn't know.

I want to find the answers, but I'm getting tired of giving it my all to look when I almost never find an answer I'm satisfied with. I can keep doing it for the rest of my life because I want to know, but I'm just getting tired…

I should be satisfied by now with everything I have, though, right? But if I said "I'm content like this," would I or would I not be lying to myself?

Not looking at the objective, scientific aspects, what does it mean to be "alive?"