Well, my first year at U.A. is over. I haven't written anything in months. Not a lot has happened, despite that. Every day feels the same. Whether it's a holiday or not, it's still just another day. It's spring now, and that frozen river still hasn't thawed out, but I don't know what I expected. I thought time would change how I feel, but I'm no different.
It's like every day is just a dream. Like I'm asleep, and instead of waking up, I enter another dream. So, I don't go anywhere. It seems like I am, but no matter how far ahead or behind I travel, I'm still standing in the same place as I was yesterday, the day before that, the week before that, and so forth and so on. Sometimes, it's almost like I'm stuck in a time loop. I wake up the same way at the same time, I have the same morning routine, I do the same things every day, but with slight variations to each day. Where's the exit? How do I escape from here?
Even cutting can't cut the way every day seems to be the same anymore. I've done it so much for so long that it's normal. In fact, it's too normal. Even if I change where I cut, what I use to cut, when I cut, how deep I cut, and how long I cut for, it feels the same as it did yesterday, the day before that… Even my bad habits aren't enough anymore. I've used them so much that they've become normal and mundane. They've lost their sharp effects.
I feel like I'm going insane. I do the same things every single day, over and over again, expecting something to change…but nothing ever does. Even the food I eat tastes relatively the same, despite the fact that it definitely shouldn't. And it doesn't taste the same, but the taste is drowned out into a blur, and every blur is about the same.
If I do nothing, will getting back into these old routines give me a sense of anything? I don't care what it is. I don't want my life being put on repeat every single day. I can keep living like this without any real issues, but why am I even living anymore? If my future is the same as my yesterday from months ago, why did I keep going?
I visited home yesterday, and Mom and Natsuo kept asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. I told them I was fine, and I was just exhausted from finals. Natsuo still hasn't recovered from what happened to Fuyumi, but he told me that he knew I wasn't as close to him as I was with Fuyumi, and that he's sorry for never being there for me when I needed him. He said I could talk to him about anything, and that he wants to make up for the years Endeavor ruined and the years he wasn't there for. I smiled and thanked him, and I told him that I was glad to have him as my brother. He looked sad, and I knew he wanted to stay and talk to me more, but he left.
Later that day, I heard Mom and Natsuo talking about me. Mom was telling Natsuo that it's her fault I'm like this. She ruined me. She was too weak. She let this happen. Natsuo said it wasn't her fault—Endeavor was the bastard to blame. Mom was crying, and she said she didn't know where her youngest son went. I'm unrecognizable. I'm a living reminder of the past. I'm not the son she raised. Natsuo asked her not to be quite so loud, but Mom went on, saying how she can't do this, and it hurts too much to know something's wrong with me when I won't say a thing.
Mom…
