I went to a psych ward for a few weeks. I decided to check myself into one not because I wanted help, but because I could walk out at any point. I didn't want someone else to force me into one. So, I told Katsuki that I thought it might be for the best if I went to a psych ward for a bit, and he thought I finally wanted help for myself.

I told Mom and Natsuo, and both of them were happy about it. They weren't happy that this is what things had come to, but they were happy for the same reason Katsuki was. They were all worried about me, and Mom and Natsuo were convinced I was going to kill myself, so I'm sure they were relieved. Whenever I went home, Mom and Natsuo were constantly making sure I was alive, and when I wasn't at home, they were constantly messaging me.

But the psych ward was a waste of time, and it didn't do much for me. I lied the entire way through it. I basically went because I said I was struggling with depression and cutting. I guess the cutting part is true. But I didn't mention anything about not caring about anyone or anything.

For the first two days, everyone could see just how much I've cut myself. Some people there knew me. But after that, I was able to wear my turtlenecks.

Then there was group therapy. I lied about almost everything about myself, though. Someone asked me if it was true that I didn't feel anything when Fuyumi died. I said it was just a rumor, and that I was just trying to suppress how I really felt.

While I was there, I thought about a lot of things. Why didn't I care when Fuyumi died? Why does Mom still love me? Why does anyone love me? If my fate was to use, kill, manipulate, deceive, and not care about anything, why, then, was I allowed to exist at all? If some being truly is behind the existence of the world and its inhabitants, why are things like me allowed to exist? What does it matter if I'd be condemned to hell for what I've done if I was still allowed to get away with it all? Why have I not been erased for my wrongs? How is that allowed? Am I the one flawed beyond repair, or am I the one thinking rationally? I don't know. I just don't know.

I figured I'd be at the psych ward for a few months, but they let me out after four weeks, so, basically a month. They had other patients in much worse conditions, and I didn't seem like I needed to be there compared to them. While I was there, though, Katsuki and Natsuo visited me about twice a week.

When I got back to my dorm at U.A., I slept almost the entire day. I ignored everyone and went to bed. I didn't sleep well when I was at the psych ward, and I just didn't want to do anything or see anyone.

But I guess I wasn't able to drown myself in my bad habits for a month. Katsuki was proud of me for getting help, and he asked me how I was feeling. I lied and said I felt pretty good. I thought he'd quickly call out my bullshit, but he believed me.

Why, Katsuki? Did you change, or did I change?