I went to watch the cherry blossoms fall with Katsuki and his family, Mom, and Natsuo. They only fall for a short period of time, but it's certainly a sight worth seeing.

I guess I never wrote this down before, but Mom and Natsuo are both happy I'm engaged to Katsuki. They're both proud of my progress. They said I've been changing like the seasons.

Our class was supportive of our engagement. Midoriya was incredibly happy for me, and Yaoyorozu was as well. Iida was a bit shocked, but he congratulated us both sincerely. Kaminari and Kirishima pestered Katsuki about how long he must've been waiting to propose, and whether or not we'd "done it yet." I have no idea what they were talking about, but Katsuki looked like he was intensely flustered.

Anyway, I actually had a good time with everyone. I thought it would be a pointless trip, and I thought I would have preferred to spend my time getting my work done, but I never got to see the cherry blossoms falling in the spring like this. It was worth it. It was almost like there was the fluttering of cherry blossoms inside of me. It was refreshing, nice, and peaceful. I'd like to go again sometime. Mom said Fuyumi always wanted to see the cherry blossoms falling with me. Natsuo mentioned how Fuyumi always wanted to make plans to sneak me out of the house just for a little bit so I could see it.

They've both conquered their grief over Fuyumi. They've moved on to Tomorrow, no longer living in an endless past stretching for who knows how many days. They've gone through the worst of it, and they're able to smile like this again.

I still don't feel sad that I lost my own sister. I never got to grieve her death, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. At least, I know I can't properly grieve anymore. I wish it wasn't like this. I want to believe her death made me sad. She was always there for me. She was always trying to hold our broken family together. She was always the one taking care of us all, no matter what happened.

She's dead. My sister is fucking dead, and I didn't feel anything. Nothing will change that. Even if I feel sad later, it won't change the past. I'm tired of living like this. I don't want to be numb to everything anymore. I thought I did. But after all these years of being numb to everything, I want out. This isn't living. I can't even be grateful for the people who love me. I can't love them back. I can't shed a single tear over their deaths. I can't even care about the fact that they're dead, and I'll never get them back.

Then there's Katsuki, who reminds me every fucking day how he's happy that I'm alive, loving me unconditionally when I never give anything in return. All I do is live, blatantly lying to his face and just doing what he wants. No matter what happens to me, he takes care of me and loves me.

I don't understand, but all I know is that something is wrong here. I should be able to return his love. At the very least, I should care about him, right?

Yet, I also don't want to be burdened with so many useless emotions and unnecessary attachments again. I don't want to fall back into feeling nothing but pain and emptiness every day. I don't want that. I know it's part of being human, but that doesn't mean I want to experience it again. I'm also almost afraid to finally leave this state of numbness behind. It's defined who I am for so long. This is the only thing I really know as "myself" anymore. If I erase it, what's left of me?

But even though I'm starting to be able to feel a faint warmth and a small spark of interest in things again, I still can't empathize with anyone. I still don't care about other people. I still don't feel sad over anything. I still don't want to go through all of this when it's so much easier to end it all. But I'll live, for now.

I'd like to be a husband that Katsuki can be proud of. Someone he won't regret choosing to spend his life with. That's the ideal person I want to be. After all, he goes on about how shitty Endeavor was, how he's never going to treat me like Endeavor treated me, and that he'll show me the kind of love I should've gotten back then. So, if he's trying to be ideal for me, I should try and do the same, right? I think I can do it. No, I'll definitely do it. I want this to be my reason to live. I'll learn to feel and care again, right? It won't be like this forever.

Well, that's what I tell myself. I still don't fully believe it. It's just wishful thinking. But this new chapter in my life is just beginning. Slowly… Will this river finally thaw?