CHAPTER FIVE.

MATE

"Where are you headed, son?" Carlisle was in his study with the door standing invitingly open. I paused on the threshold to peer in.

"I'm going to hunt." My words were clipped short like little staccato beats. As soon as I heard myself I wanted to take them back. It was unfair of me to treat him that way.

Carlisle nodded with an understanding I didn't deserve. They all knew why my temper was fizzling on such a short fuse. This hunting expedition was by no means necessary. I wasn't thirsty by a long shot, but I hoped positively filling myself would help keep the thirst under control when I was in the Davis girl's presence again.

Better to be safe than a murderer.

"I'll come with you." Carlisle didn't give me a chance to refuse. Within a fraction of a second, he had joined me on the landing. Up close his eyes were a shade of forest green that sparkled with little flecks of yellow. He did not need to hunt any more than I did. This was a clear ploy to get me alone to have a frank discussion. I guessed after everything I'd put him through, I owed him this.

"Sure," I sat on the banister and slid down to the bottom floor. Carlisle followed me at a much more sedate pace taking the stairs one at a time.

In the living room, Esme was trimming and hemming curtains by hand. A long piece of drapery was spread over a work table, tumbling over the sides and bunching onto the floor. There wasn't a sewing machine in sight. Esme said she was much more precise than any machine she'd ever used. I took her at her word - I wouldn't know the difference anyway.

It was nice to see her like this, though; perfectly content, humming softly to herself as she readjusted the large swathe of fabric and pinned down another section to be hemmed. Alice and Jasper were playing Mario Kart on the couch, giggling and elbowing each other as they shot blue shells or dropped banana traps to knock each other off course.

Carlisle and I exited through the kitchen and darted into the surrounding forest. We ran quietly for several miles, but I could feel the burning questions emanating from him like sun rays as we ran.

He couldn't be blamed for the curiosity. Our last conversation was not a pleasant memory.

"I have to go," I'd told him. The words had been forced out violently through waves of sickness that were nearly incapacitating. "Now."

"Go? Where? What happened?"

"Nothing yet, but I can't control it. I have to go."

He'd reached for me, but I'd cringed away from him feeling dirty and unworthy of a man that had dedicated his entire existence to saving humans. Carlisle was a saint to mortal kind. I could never compare to a man that fought through desperate thirst as a newborn to become a doctor in order to save as many people as possible. Especially not after considering to kill an innocent girl.

"I don't understand," he'd plead with me. The possibility of splitting his family up was surely hurting him.

"Has any one human ever smelled…" I didn't know how to finish that thought, "perfect?"

"Ah," His expression had gone deliberately blank. There was no mistaking it - he had experienced this. He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Do whatever you need to do to resist, son."

"What did you do?" I begged for validation.

"I ran," was his simple answer. "Take my car." He held the keys out between us, but I declined. I needed to run, to feel the air on my skin, to breathe clean oxygen. The same thing the two of us were doing now, running silently through the night.

"Did I do the right thing?" He asked me, breaking the surreal quiet.

"By letting me go to Alaska?" We sped through the wet forest side by side. Drops of water fell from the branches overhead, creating a soft rustling sound all around us.

"Yes."

"Yeah," I assured him. "The only other option would have been unforgivable."

"Nothing is unforgivable," he instantly disagreed.

"I don't think I would have been able to forgive myself," I muttered but wondered if that were true. When I first encountered La, I didn't know her at all and had no reason to distinguish her from any other human. Had I stayed and quietly hunted her later, as I considered, I probably would have found self-forgiveness quite easily given time.

This was no longer true. If I hurt her now after having spent the last few days absorbed in getting to know her, it would be the worst kind of tragedy. While nothing had changed tangibly, my entire perspective was different.

"Why did you come back?" Carlisle wondered.

"I had to," I admitted. "I felt like a coward. I felt weak and I didn't like it."

"Removing yourself was not an act of cowardice," Carlisle disagreed firmly. "You saved a life. You should be very proud of the strength it took to do that."

His words felt like a balm. "I guess, by the time I got to Alaska it didn't feel that way. It felt like I was hiding, and I wanted to prove to myself I was strong enough to overcome this, whatever it is."

"You know how happy I am to have you home, son, but I am sorry you're suffering. If this is too much, if it is too difficult to stay…"

"No," I interrupted. "I don't like feeling like a coward. I don't want to feel like that again."

We slowed to a jog, beginning to peer through the darkness for our quarry.

"It's better than putting her in danger, son. She'll be gone in a year or two."

This gave me pause. It was such an obvious solution! So obvious that I hadn't even considered it. If I could leave and stay away for two years, she would be gone when I got back. Easy! That kind of time would pass in a blink for me, and I could spend the time pursuing my interests instead of sitting in college courses.

Just a year or two and she would be gone… I would never see her again.

Carlisle turned in time to catch my expression. "You're not going to go, are you?" He seemed to have already accepted this.

We stopped running. I bowed my head in shame. It was the easiest solution and I, selfishly and inexplicably, wasn't going to take it. It was frustrating that I couldn't pinpoint what was making me stay. Sure, I found the girl interesting, but the risk involved should have negated any amount of interest. I pictured her as I'd last seen her, glaring at me through a rearview mirror, and knew, intangible changes or no - I didn't want to leave.

"Is it pride?" Carlisle asked. Normally he would be right on the money, but this time nothing made sense, and I didn't know what to tell him. "There's no shame in-"

"No," The word dropped from my mouth like a stone. "It's not pride."

"Do you feel you have nowhere to go?"

"No," This time the declaration was softer. I could hear the moroseness in my voice. Carlisle was growing more and more concerned.

"We will go with you if that's what you need. We've done it before. None of us will begrudge you this."

"I know," I whispered.

"Emmett," he squeezed my shoulder. "It's better to leave now than later after a life has been ended.

After her life has been ended.

Ugh, I shuddered. "I know," I agreed again.

"But you won't leave?"

"I should," I answered.

He watched me for a moment, musing. "Tanya called," he mentioned casually.

A pang stabbed my stomach. "And?" I asked calmly. "What did she have to say?"

"She has some theories," he said vaguely.

I sighed. "Care to share?"

"She thinks it's possible you've found your mate."

"That makes the least sense of all," I said. "I've had one conversation with this woman, and the only other time I was in her proximity I nearly killed her. If that's how our kind finds mates, it's a wonder any of us have one at all."

"You're right that it would be an unusual case."

The scent from a herd of deer wafted toward us.

"Shall we?" Carlisle suggested. We crouched and let the scent drag us through the trees in silence. With the scent of La so fresh in my mind, these deer were particularly unappealing. I had no desire to put myself through this, especially since it wouldn't likely help at all in the end.

As we approached the deer, I told myself the possible alternative was even less appealing.

The temperature had dropped by the time we returned home. The mushy sleet had almost melted entirely while the sun was out. As the sun went down the water hardened into a thick layer of ice that shone from every surface. Little icicles clung to the tips of each pine needle and dripped from the edges of the leaves. The forest looked crystalline in the absolute clarity of pre-dawn.

Carlisle left me by the bank of the river that ran through our property. He went on to change for his shift at the hospital while I sat on a boulder, discontentedly watching the water. I thought about what Tanya had said and wondered if I should be upset that she'd outed me to the family. It wasn't any of her business if I fell in love with a giraffe. She certainly shouldn't be calling my father about it.

The fact that I couldn't rouse any anger about it indicated how emotionally spent I'd become. My life had been so easy before La Davis fell into it. Hunt, wrestle with Jasper, rib Edward, hunt, try to play pranks on Alice, hold up swatches of fabric for Esme, hunt, wrestle some more. Now my brain was full of the gorgeous scent and delicate flush of a human.

The deer's blood sloshed uncomfortably in my stomach, making me feel bloated and ill at ease. I tried, unsuccessfully, to keep from thinking about how pointless the hunt had been, and sank my fingers into the rock, feeling it turn to dust as easily as if I had sunk my fingers into sand.

It would be easy enough to spread some story, any story, about why the largest Cullen had left - transfer, vacation, boredom, beheading, whatever. No one would question it. I should leave. It was the safest option, the easiest one to explain away. In a couple of years, I could come back after she had moved on.

Leaving town would ensure La's survival - she would have the chance to go to graduate school, meet someone, get married, have babies, all the things young humans did to create a happy life.

Life. I couldn't offer her that. Not like any one of her friends could give her. The anger I'd been trying to rouse for Tanya bloomed as I imagined La creating a life with someone else. Someone like that blonde from her group of friends, the one with a stupid face, and stupider hair. I tried to imagine him making her happy, but I couldn't picture it. She deserved something greater than a typical life in a small town.

She should have all the opportunity in the world, adventure, excitement… the things I could offer her, but I shouldn't even be considering that. Perhaps Tanya had a better grasp on the situation than I gave her credit for. No, even if she was right about whatever was happening to me, it would be wholly selfish of me to take La's opportunity at mortality away. Joining the ranks of the undead was not a decision to be taken lightly. Better to remove myself and allow her to make her own decisions.

Carlisle always knew best. I should take his advice instead of sitting out here pulverizing a boulder, waffling about possible feelings. Since when was I a waffler, anyway?

One more time, I decided. I would see her once more, then take myself out of the country. Maybe putting oceans between us would lessen this awful longing I felt. Of course, getting myself to leave this time would be exponentially more difficult than my first panicked flight to Alaska had been. I would want to talk to her, puzzle her out, but I couldn't allow myself to do that. It would only make things harder.

As I sat the sun peeked out from behind some clouds, skittered across my skin, and glistened off the frozen landscape. I huffed a sigh and slid off the boulder. Best to get this over with.

Alice was waiting for me inside, sitting on the steps leading to the second floor, hunched up around her knees and looking forlorn.

"You're leaving," she said sadly.

"Yep," I plopped down next to her and threw an arm around her shoulders.

"I can't see where you're going," she mumbled.

"I don't know where I'm going yet, kid."

"I don't want you to go," she pouted. I didn't answer because I didn't want to go either. "Maybe Jazz and I can go with you?" she asked, devoid of hope.

"No," I gave her a little squeeze. "They'll need you here. Think of what Esme would say to have half her family leave in one go?"

"She'll be so sad without you," she countered.

"That's my point," I said. "That's why you have to stay. I've gotta do the right thing, munchkin." It was a testament to how sad she was that she let me get away with the nickname without a jab or a comment.

"How do you know what's right?" she asked and rubbed her face. "Your future is shifting around so quickly I can't see any one thing for longer than a second. It's all hazy, and imprecise…. Then there's this picture of a meadow?"

"A meadow?" I leaned away to see her face more clearly.

"It's a smallish, perfectly circular meadow filled with wildflowers. The sun is shining, and you're out in the sunlight… there's someone with you, but I can't see who…" she rubbed her face again. "This is hurting my head. Do you know that place?"

"Yeah, I do." I frowned. "I go there a lot when the sun's out. It's quiet and pretty."

"Why haven't you taken me there?"

"'Cause that would defeat the purpose of being alone and quiet," I grinned.

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Something is changing, and I don't know what. You're at a… crossroads, I guess. But I get the feeling that all of this will play out very soon."

"Wow," I goggled at her. "When did you turn into a carnival fortune teller?" I looked around quickly. "Where's your tent? I didn't realize the circus was in town!"

She laughed and gave me the poke I'd been waiting for with the nickname. "This is serious."

"I know," I said. "How is today? Does it look alright?"

"It's fuzzy, but I don't see you killing anyone today."

"Oh good," I flung myself backward on the stairs, arm covering my face. "Not killing anyone is a huge relief."

"Hey," she said softly. I lifted my arm to peer at her. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you, too, kid."

The ride to school was quiet and sullen. Jasper was looking between us in succession, probably trying to decipher the tumultuous energy in the car. Belatedly it occurred to me that he was likely the only one that didn't know I was leaving. I wondered why Alice didn't tell him.

La still hadn't arrived as we got out of the car but I could hear the rumble of her Abarth down the road. Jasper went straight to class, bored or overwhelmed by the tense emotions that swarmed us. Edward started to leave, but when Alice stayed resolutely by my side, he paused to watch. He probably wanted to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. If I did, Alice wouldn't be able to stop me on her own.

It was ridiculous how this human had become the center of my universe in a matter of a few days. My world suddenly revolved around her, making me carefully tip-toe around to avoid disturbing our fragile balance. This type of behavior did not suit my temperament. I wanted to barrel through this. Demand answers, and create spectacle. I wanted to break things.

La's Abarth turned into the parking lot slowly. She was watching the road with added apprehension for the ice that was still thick in places despite liberal salting. I filed this practicality away with all the other little things I had noticed about her; the way she set her shoulders when she was uncomfortable and the inherent kindness in her treatment of other people.

Once she pulled into her spot, I settled in to wait for her to notice me. Considering she tended to face me head-on when most would have avoided me in fear, I wondered how long it would take for her to march up to me and demand answers herself. It was a shame I would be leaving before she ever got the chance to do that.

It seemed to take an age for her to gather herself to get out of the car. I crossed my arms, waiting impatiently beside Alice, tapping a finger on my elbow repeatedly and shifting my weight back and forth. At long last, she pulled herself out of the little car and made her way around to the hatch at the back. She pulled it open, slung her bag over her shoulder, then slammed it shut.

As the latch clicked home, Alice gasped. I turned to see Alice cover her mouth in horror, and Edward dart forward to catch me. Behind him, a van was sliding back and forth on the ice, out of control. Tires squealed as it came barreling down towards La.

"No," Alice groaned.