Red. A color associated with power, passion, energy, survival-

(Craft) Blowing shit up and haters of the color blue! Luckily our boys in red here are happy to represent all those things and so much more!

(Zach) The Soldier, Tf2's Rocket Jumping Lunatic

(Craft) And Sarge, The Super Colonel of Red vs Blue. I'm Craft, their Ender and Zach

(Ender) And its out job to analyze their weapons, armor, skills, feats and weaknesses to find out who would win: A Death Battle


A feud between brothers, Blutarch and Redmond Mann were left with plots of land left by their father. Yet, ever the unsatisfied business men, they wanted the other's half. And the best way to do that-

(Craft) Was to hire 9 crazy bastards each and make them fight for it! But between a piss slinging Kiwi, a Boston Bat Boy, and a black, Scottish cyclops, none of these mercs were as unhinged and bloodthirsty as Mr. Screaming Eagle himself: The Soldier

"I TELEPORTED BREEEAAAAAD!"

*cue Rocket Jump Waltz

(Zach) Going by the name "Jane Doe", The Soldier loves all things America. And hates all things...not America. During World War 2, he wanted to go out and fight for his country

(Ender) But was rejected from ALL branches of the military due to his intensity. Doe, not one to give up so easily, found a different solution-

(Craft) He bought his own plane tickets and flew to Germany HIMSELF to kick some nazi ass! Even awarded himself with his own home made medals. Remember kids, self love is important!

(Zach) With the turn of year, the war ended. And rather then be...held up against international law, Redmond Mann saw gold in Jane's slaughter and recruited him to his war efforts. With the nickname: The Soldier

(Craft) And with a title like that comes plenty of heavy artillery! Soldier is a walking army! His star player being his trusty Rocket Launcher, which can hold 4 rockets at once! Don't ask how that works! But if that doesn't scratch his murdery itch, he's also got the Cow Mangler 5000, a freaking laser gun that vaporizes any poor sap it hits!

(Ender) Its not simply 'vaporizing' them Craft. The Cow Mangler is explicitly stated to detangle targets at the atomic level!

(Craft) Science it up however you want. If you shoot a guy, and he disappears, that's vaporization! Not like he gives a damn about science or subtlety, the dude carries 2 active grenades on his person at all times. Not for throwing. but for BLOWING HIMSELF UP!

(Zach) Speaking of blowing himself up. His Rocket Launcher isn't only a weapon. Strangely enough its also his main method of transportation and movement: The Rocket Jump

(Ender) Created by Abraham Lincoln, no I am not making that up, Soldier can fire a rocket at the ground beneath his feet to achieve incredible height and speed, flying through the air like a majestic Bald Eagle

(Craft) More like a cracked out one! I don't know ANY kind of Eagle that bashes people's skulls in with a military grade shovel! Or with a fancy pickax called The Escape Plan!

(Zach) With the Escape Plan, Soldier's speed increases incrementally as he takes damage. At max, it allows him to even outrun fellow mercenary Demoman. Who is fast enough to outrun his own bombs exploding. Which, at bare minimum, means Soldier can move and react at 4000 m/s, over 11 times the speed of sound!

(Ender) His arsenal is rounded out with his reliable Sawed-Off, pump action Shotgun, as well as the Buff Banner. When Soldier blows into this horn, his attack power is increased dramatically for a few seconds

(Craft) Yeah, cause this guy clearly needs that power boost. He's strong enough to deck a dude so hard, it snaps their neck while knocking them across the room! He once snapped a dude's neck, and then snapped it AGAIN to bring him back to life! He neck snapped a goddamn bear while naked drenched in honey! He REALLY likes snapping necks is the point

(Zach) THAT'S the part of the sentence you want to focus on!? *ahem* Soldier has also shown great resilience and stamina. He's ran a full marathon for 5 hours straight without breaking a sweat, remained awake despite having all of his blood missing, and once had his hand cut off by Pyro without so much as flinching. Soldier is VERY unsafe about his own health

(Ender) Well for good reason. See...technically speaking, Soldier...Can't die. The Medic had every merc's soul grafted to his own, preventing the devil himself from claiming them. And not only that, Soldier once stole the wizard Merasmus' 'Die and come back stronger' pills

(Craft) Which do exactly what they say on the tin! With these two things, its no wonder why Soldier keeps coming back to fight everything from an army of robots, a cursed eyeball, or a living bread monster! He's like some kinda patriotic cockroach

(Zach) However, he is not without his faults. He is rather thick headed, preferring to run headlong into the first thought that enters his head regardless of practicality. And hie Rocket Jumps, while useful, also deal damage to his own person, leading him into dangerous confrontations. And his natural blood thirsty nature leads him to never taking fights seriously, preferring to simply shoot first and ask questions later

(Craft) But hey, watch out all Non-Americans! Cause when you hear the sound of a rocket over head, it may just be the sound of a size 14 American Boot fitting up your ass!

"If God wanted you to live, he would not have created ME!"

The Soldier
Real Name: Jane Doe
Age: late 40s, early 50s
Weight: 200 pounds
Height: 6'0
Owns a Racoon
Sanctuary
Likes: America, Teleporting Bread, America, Raccoons, and America
Dislikes: Non-America

Weapons and Tools
-Rocket Launcher (Clip size: 4) (20 shots total)
-Cow Mangler 500 (Disintegration)
-Shotgun (Sawed Off, Pump-Action)
-Buff Banner (Grants Mini Crits for a brief time)
-Shovel (Resembles a M-1943 entrenching tool)
-Escape Plan (Increases movement speed as Soldier takes damage)
-Grenades (2 on hand. Only uses them for his Kamikaze taunt)
-His own 2 hands
-"Die and come back stronger" pills

Feats:
-Snapped the neck (...of a bear, ...of the same man twice, ...of a man with a single punch)
-Ran for 5 hours straight without being tired
-Keeps pace with Demoman
-Fought off an army of robots
-Went to war in Germany...by himself
-Survived encounters with Merasmus, Monoculus, and a giant Bread monster
-Rockets can kill Heavy's instantly
-Remained conscious even when all his blood was missing
-Satan cannot claim his soul

Weaknesses:
-Dumb
-Tunnel Vision
-Bloodthirsty
-Naturally Slow


Blood Gulch. A seemingly random plot of land with seemingly no significance.

(Craft) And...that's pretty much what it is. See, Humanity had gone to war with an alien covenant and the United Nations Space Command had a plan to win: Use AI technology to create invincible super soldiers!

(Zach) This was Project Freelancer. But in order to train these and their soldiers, they needed to fabricate a scenario to force them into war with each other. The teams selected for this experiment includes the Red Team, and their leader; Super Colonel Sarge

"I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in hell gets paid in advance!"

*Cue Impact Zone

(Craft) I want you to imagine the most sadistic, asinine man you can think of. Now amp it up by 10 and make him hate all things blue and you've got Sarge! This dude doesn't care about anything if its not about how many blue armor pieces he can bury into the dirt!

(Ender) Once an Orbital Drop Shock Trooper, before being dismissed for developing a fear of heights, Sarge is a walking killing machine, mechanic and even a...self proclaimed medical professional. But its clear where his passion rests

(Craft) Sweet, Sweet murder!

(Zach) Sarge appears to be equipped with the Mark 6 Mjolnir Armor. This special armor is designed to allow the user extremely free and flexible movement, increasing their reaction speed by 5 and doubling their physical power .

(Ender) In combat Sarge wields his signature M90 pump-action Shotgun, an M&D Mangum pistol, grenade launcher, and rocket launcher.

(Craft) Then there's his preferred mode of transportation; The Puma!

(Ender) Warthog.

(Craft) Your a hog!

(Zach) The M12 Warthog can maneuver at speeds of almost 80 MPH, and comes equipped with a vulcan anti-aircraft gun which fires at 500 rpm. And Sarge uses this war machine-

(Craft) As a battering ram! Who needs car guns when you have gun guns! Sarge is insane, but he's also insanely badass! He's survived a 50 megaton bomb exploding on top of him, survived getting shot by a sniper AND railgun round, defeated multiple clones of other skilled freelancers, and has even outsmarted characters like Agent Tex and The Meta.

(Ender) He, along with his team, even managed to defeat The Meta for good. He's even survived a beating from Agent Tex, who can casually flip over tanks weighting upwards of 66 tons.

(Zach) Sarge is certainly a formidable fighter, but he does have limits. Despite everything in his arsenal, he really only ever uses his shotgun in combat. All of his strategies involve sacrificing his teammates, and despite his claims of engineering and medical knowledge...he sucks at both.

(Craft) Oh what's the problem with having a few screws loose. Let this be your warning: Dont come riding through Blood Gulch unless your dressed to the gills in red! Or the only red out of you will be your blood

"You've just got Sarge'd!"

Sarge:
Rank: Super Colonel
Height and Weight: Unknown
Age: claimed to be 28
Likes: Red, explosions, Red, Shotguns, and Red
Dislikes: Blue, Grif, Blue, Heights, and Blue
Father of Boomstick

Mark VI Mjolnir Armor
-Enhances physical ability

Weapons
-
Shotgun (Pump-action, 12 rounds)
-M&D Mangum (12 rounds, x2 magnifying scope)
-M41 SPNKR Rocket Launcher
-Type-25 Grenade Launcher(6 Grenades)
-Warthog (Max speed: 78 mph, M41 Vulcan 500 RPM)

Feats
-Survived a 50 Megaton explosion
-Survived a Sniper round and Railgun shot
-Helped kill The Meta
-Outsmarted Tex
-Knocked out Tex, and defeated tex clones
-Techically won Blood Gulch
-Survived battles against Tex

Weaknesses
-Illogical
-Only relies on his shotgun
-Horrible planner
-Lost to Tex
-Not a good mechanic or medic


Alright the combatants are set. Lets end this debate once and for all

(Craft) ITS TIME FOR A DEATH BAAAAAAAAAATTTTLLLLEEE


On the side of a desert road, we see the Bread Truck and Warthog smoking from a head-on collision "What in the sam hell!?" Sarge shouts "That helmet covering too much of your eyes!? Do you know! How long its going to take Grif to fix this!"

"My favorite song was on" Soldier says as he chuckles remembering the song "Besides, its not that bad." Just as he says this, one of the tires on the warthog catches fire.

"Oh...whatever. Just give me your information my red brother" Sarge says as the two trade cards. "Ha! Jane? The hell kinda sissy name is that?" Soldier looks up and scowls

"Who are you calling a sissy, hippie!" Soldier growls. Sarge gets in his face

"Who are you calling a hippie, sissy!" Sarge responds as the two push against each other

"Hippie!"

"Sissy!"

"HIPPIE!"

"SISSY!"

Soldier shouts as he punches Sarge into the Warthog. He runs over to the bread truck and pulls out his Rocket Launcher as Sarge grabs his shotgun "bring it on, you waste of the color red!" Sarge shouts

FIGHT!

*cue Cant Hold Us

Soldier fires a rocket at Sarge, who rolls out of the way before shooting Soldier with his shotgun. Soldier stumbles back and growls "Maggot!" Soldier fires more rockets. Sarge jumps to dodge them only for one to hit the ground in front of him, making him stumble back. Soldier shouts as he runs forward and swings his shovel down, bashing Sarge over the head. The colonel raises his shotgun to shoot Soldier, but the merc smacks it out of his hand with his shovel. Sarge grabs his arm and pull him in, punching him in the face.

"Come here and fight me like a man!" Sarge says flipping Soldier over his shoulder "Is what I would say if you were one!" He raises his foot to stomp on Soldier, but the merc uses his shovel to throw dirt on his visor "Aaahhh! I've been blinded!" Sarge shouts as Soldier jumps back rocket jumps into the air. Sarge wipes the dirt off as he looks around "Where in the sam hell did he..."

"SCREEEEAAAAMMMIIIINNNNGGG" Soldier shouts. Sarge looks up as the merc falls down with his shovel out "EEEAAAAAGGGLLLLEEESS!"

". . ." Sarge stares before taking a step back and letting Soldier crash into the ground with a cartoon crash. Soldier climbs out of the him shaped crater and looks up, seeing Sarge's shotgun in his face "Sissy" Sarge says before shooting and blowing Soldier's head off. He hums as he walks over to the warthog. "Welp. What's done is done" He says as he opens the door only for him and the warthog to get blasted backwards by an explosion. Sarge looks up and sees Soldier laughing

"You cannot kill me! If you kill me i'll just come back stronger!" Soldier shouts. Sarge jumps in the warthog and starts the engine

"Lets see how strong of a bloodsplatter you make on the canyon floor, sissy!" Sarge shouts as he drives the flaming warthog forward. Soldier shoots another rocket but Sarge swerves out of the way and collides with Soldier, knocking both of them off the side of the road down the cliff "YEEEEEHAAA-OH THIS IS HIGHER THEN I THOUGHT AHH!"

The two crash at the bottom of the canyon as Sarge groans, cracking his back and looking back at the completly wrecked warthog. "...welp. Guess i'm walking home" His monologue was interrupted by the sound of a horn. Soldier rises from the wreck, blowing his Buff Banner.

"Get ready for me to turn your ass red white and blue, hippie!"

"Dont you DARE put red in the same sentence as that color, Sissy!" Sarge says as he takes out his Magnum and fires shots. Soldier dodges the bullets and closes in, grabbing Sarge by the head and attempting to snap his neck. Sarge resists the force and knees the Merc in the gut. Soldier gasps for air before grabbhing his shoulders and headbutting the colonel, slightly cracking his visor. Soldier steps back and takes out his shotgun, shooting at Sarge who stumbles back from the shot. "That a sawed off? I was considering getting one too" Sarge says as he closes the distance and dodges another shot, grabbing Soldier's arm and socking his gut. "But then I remembered Sawed offs..." Sarge then grabs his shotgun off of the ground "were for SISSYS!" He shoots Soldier in the chest, knocking him back. Soldier takes out The Escape Plan as Sarge takes out his Grenade Launcher. Soldier runs and Rocket Jumps into the air, dodging the explosions from grenades as he takes off the grenade from his chest, pulling the pin out with his teeth. Soldier falls and strikes Sarge in the shoulder with the pickax as he holds the grenade up to both of their eyelevel, smirking. The explosion sends Soldier flying into the canyon wall and Sarge back into the wreckage of the warthog. Sarge grunts as he stands and walks towards Soldier "Well now son...this is where this ends" He says as he takes out his Magnum once more. "You destroy my sweet Warthog...you make a mockery of my darling shottie...and you insult the honor of the color red!" Sarge stands above the merc and raises his pistol "Now here we are...and it is time for me to forever stain this canyon floor with your crimson blood!" He says as Soldier suddenly holds up the Cow Mangler, charging up a blast. "...i gotta stop doin that" Sarge says before getting enveloped in the Mangler blast. With one final shout, his body is reduced to nothing as Soldier stands up tall, blowing into the buff banner once more

"Today is a good day to be an American" He says as he stares into the sky

K.O!


Soldier rummages through the destroyed Warthog, smirking as he finds a random loaf of bread. Meanwhile, Sarge's helmet gets carried away by Racoons

(Craft) Woah! Talk about a fight! But how did a veteran like Sarge lose?

(Ender) Sarge certainly held a few advantages when compared to Soldier. For one, he was actually professionally trained

(Zach) As opposed to Soldier who was never ALLOWED to be. Sarge also held the advantage in durability. Surviving that 50 Megaton explosion means Soldier was never going to have an easy job. But that's about where Soldier starts taking advantages back, as he was the physically stronger of the 2

(Craft) Sarge hasn't really done anything as crazy as punching a dude so hard he snaps his neck! Both of them had some pretty strong arsenals. But only Soldier had tools to make him Faster and Stronger

(Ender) Being able to run and move 11 times the speed of sound with the Escape Plan meant Soldier could easily out maneuver and outrun anything Sarge could throw his way.

(Zach) Plus, while Sarge was the more durable of the two, Soldier's pain tolerance was through the roof

(Craft) This is a guy who was smiling and giving a thumbs up when ALL OF HIS BLOOD WAS MISSING! Sarge is durable but when he gets damaged, it hurts! So any shots he could land wouldn't even slow Soldier down.

(Ender) And even then, Sarge simply did not have anyway to actually KILL Soldier, due to his whole...double immortality thing

(Craft) Any fatal wound he landed just made Soldier stronger!

(Zach) Where as, despite his superior durability, Soldier did have a single weapon that could do the trick: The Cow Mangler, which detangles its target down to the molecular level. And while neither of them were detailed planners, Sarge's strategies always involved other people. Where as Soldier was far less reliant on others

(Craft) Sarge just wasn't Red-y for this fight

(Ender) The Winner is The Soldier

Results:

Soldier
+Physically stronger
+Immortality saved him
+Cow Mangler bypassed defenses
+High pain tolerance
+Faster
=Arsenals
=Intelligence
-Less durable
-Worse Training

Sarge:
+More durable
+Superior training
=Arsenals
=Intelligence
-Weaker
-Cow Mangler nullified defenses
-No way to counter the Die and Come Back Stronger pills


NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE

the sound of a musical instrument plays as clocks tick in the background. 2 figures appear: A blonde man with a green outfit and a red haired man with a blue outfit

LINK VS CHRONO
(Legend of Zelda vs Chrono Trigger)