Chapter 46 – If Home Is Where The Heart Is Then I'm Homesick For You

Amber's POV

Thankfully Carslie's office door is open so I just walk right in as I start my rambling of thoughts as the words just spill out of my mouth.

"Hey Carslie. So, I don't know what's going on, but I hope that you can help me out. I mean everyone seems to be upset with me. I figured that things would be a bit rocky, but I mean after y'all read my note I figured that after things settled down everyone would find a new groove. I mean Rose just needed a bit of time to calm down and get over her stuff right?"

I pretty much word vomited until I needed to catch my breath. I was more than a little alarmed when I registered the hardened look on his face.

What the hell did I do now. I subtlety scan my surroundings and realize that I entered his office without knocking.

With my anxiety riddled mind I forgot my manners of always knocking first and never entering someone's office or home without being invited in.

It has long become a joke amongst my loved ones that I have always been overly polite.

Long before Mike and I became as close as we are now. He thought it would be funny to see how long I would stand outside before I said anything about coming into his house.

Which left me outside on his front porch in 20 degree weather for over 20 minutes while we talked. That was the point when he finally took pity on me and asked me to come in.

Now we're close enough that those types of manners that I've always strictly adhered to are more relaxed. I feel comfortable enough to let my guard and walls down where instead of never asking to come inside unless invited into another person home I would just ask to be let inside.

I still haven't really gotten over those hurdles yet. I've always used humor and manners to keep people at a distance, so even though I feel more comfortable with someone I still can't shake those old school manners that seem to be ingrained in me.

My grandparents had explained to me that back in the day people used manners to not only show respect for yourself and others, but as a way to keep people that you aren't familiar with at a repeatable distance.

After several long discussions I had come to realize that that was what I did. I used manners because that's how I was raised, but also as a way to keep myself safe.

I always knew that our traumas really do carry into our everyday life and how we deal with the world around us. This is just more proof of that.

As I quickly try and get my bearings, I instantly stand up straight, I try and make my apologies.

As I start to say. "My apologies Carslie, I should have knoc..." I was cut off by Carslie's harsh steely tone, "That's right. You should have knocked Sergeant."

I couldn't do much of anything besides standing there with my mouth open in shock. I don't think I had ever heard Carslie speak with that much hate in his voice little on directed at me.

Hearing the reserved and mild soft spoken father figure speak to me with that much hostility had me frozen in place. The only thing I could do was close my mouth and gulp as I tried to swallow the lump caught in my throat as I instinctively stood up even straighter as I steeled myself.

The only thing I could say was "I will in the future."

"You will also address me as Doctor in the future Sgt Blacole. We are at a work place and if you don't have business related to this clinic I must ask you to leave so that I may finish my work. So if you don't mind." Carlisle said with a dismissive tone as he gestured towards the door where I should take my leave.

I manage to swallow my emotions and stuff them down deep inside as I click my heels together as I stand up as straight as I can as I revert to my own military professionalism voice as I respond. "Yes Sir, Dr. Cullen." I march my way out the door, but I hesitated after I walked out of the doorframe. At the last second I turned around and said softly, "Please tell your wife I said hello."

Carslie looked up with an even harder look on his face. "I thought that I made it clear that my personal life is off limits during work hours and that my family is of no concern of yours anymore."

There was a pause as Carlisle seemed to mull over what he wanted to say. "The choice has been made.. and we all must live with it."

He stated with the same harsh dismissiveness. but with a twinge of sadness. But that sadness had to be my imagination, because the message was clear as glass. Rosalie thought it over and decided that our love wasn't worth fighting for... that I wasn't worth the effort.

It wasn't an uncommon thing for me to hear. In one way or another most people that come in and out of my life have had the same attitude.

With either their words, like Mattie. Saying things along the lines of "I can't handle the chaos that you and your baggage bring" or "No, I need more than the broken pieces of your heart can give."

People have definitely showed me by their absence. Either by waking away like Rosalie or me realizing that I'm being less and less involved in someone's life, because they just don't think of me anymore.

It's a sad reality that I've had to come to terms with. People have always loved the idea of me. The way the world perceives me is only a part of who I am. Unfortunately in a lot of ways I am broken. I've healed, but the scars, cracks, and dents..they are still there. Sadly once someone realizes that beyond the surface of what people think I am and start to see my scars they just view me as damaged goods, and toss me aside.

Rosalie has come to that point. She saw enough of the real me to realize that I would never be enough for her. That she deserved better. And in truth, I know it too. Rosalie is beyond anything that I have ever witnessed. There is no such thing as perfect, but Rosalie comes damn near close.

Not to mention she has to be one of the most stunning creatures that I have ever been blessed to gaze upon, but she is just as wonderfully amazing inside. She truly deserves the world and as much as I wish that I could rope the moon for her, that's just not going to be me.

I guess I should just feel honored that she even considered me. My faults and all my baggage against someone like her? I never stood a chance at keeping her. Deep down I always knew. That knowing thing that I have always told me that she was holding back. Now I know why. She had doubts about us and that was keeping her from being able to fully commit.

As all of this finally registers deep within me, I try and maintain my frame.

I was so hurt that I couldn't speak so I just nodded my head as I took my leave.

It had been a long time since words had hurt me so deeply. They felt like being stabbed with rusty daggers. His cold hearted words were gut wrenching and his icy cold emotionless stare was like bathing those wounds in salt water.

Once I make it outside the SERE Clinic my body feels heavier with every step I take. I have to stop and take a few deep breaths, but it's hard for me to catch my breath, because my world seems to be spinning off its axis.

I feel like I might be hyper ventilating or even having a panic attack.

Eventually I make it to my truck and I get a hold of myself enough to drive home. Where I can finally collapse and crumble in the privacy of my own home.

- Time Skip -

Amber's POV

It was close to 10 o'clock that night that I finally was able to get myself together enough to gather my thoughts. My head was still spinning, but I still had to get my shit together, because I still had responsibilities.

I called my Commander and filled him in on how I was holding up after my Grandparents deaths.

Thankfully in my career field we all take care of each other very well so my 'boss' telling me that I can take another month off wasn't that shocking to me. After the day that I had, I wholeheartedly agreed with the stipulation that they call me if I was needed.

Knowing that I wasn't going to be able settle down anytime soon and realizing that I needed distance, so I hastily packed a bag and decided to go back to one of the only places that I truly ever felt at peace...Texas.

After calling up Mike and filling him in, which lead him to jumping in his truck and headed to pick me up, because he told in no uncertain terms that he's driving me to the airport.

The first half of the trip was spent in silence. It was far from uncomfortable. We have always felt at peace with the other. Feeling a connection that was so hard to find words to, but knowing that we never had to. We often called each other on the phone just to have that link to the other and a lot of times we wouldn't even say a word as we each just did our own thing as we stayed on the phone together not saying a word for hours at a time.

When we finally got to the airport we sat on the tailgate as we both tried to find the words that we knew the other needed in this moment.

Mike pulled out 2 fresh packs of Marlboro Reds. The vice we both had when shit really hits the fan. Smoking for both of us is something we don't usually do, but when we do indulge we indulge into what can only be called excess. When we did smoke, we smoked. Like I could smoke a whole pack in one sitting like chain-smoking. Thankfully as the extreme of that one spectrum we both can thankfully not touch them for months to years at a time. The last time we smoked was when Clay died. We smoked close to 10 something cartons in a period of 4 days.

We sat there and smoked our packs as we talked about 'current events' as we have deemed them.

We went over Sweden. There was so much to unpack there. All the death and destruction, it was taxing both mentally and physically. We both needed to unpack the heavy load that it left on our hearts. Thankfully we were able to unpack that baggage.

The next burden was The Cullen's. As much as Rosalie breaking up with me broke my heart. It was losing the rest of the family that shattered my heart completely. Sitting here with Mike I knew that he felt the same way.

That another family was taken away from each of us.

Not to say that I wasn't utterly devastated over Rosalie breaking up with me. Not only did the break up bring up a lot of baggage that I had thought that I had already unloaded, but realizing that what I thought my future would look like will never be.

I truly felt like I had found my soulmate, hell I still feel like she will forever be my other half. And not knowing if this pull that is tugging at my heart will ever stop aching is unnerving.

I just feel so...lost.

One thing that Mike said that stuck with me was when he said "I know you love her, but it's over Amb. It's never easy to walk away, but you need to walk away."

And he is right. Rosalie doesn't want to be with me anymore. Nothing is going to change that, no matter what, it is over.

Too bad that doesn't change the fact that I still love her. So even though it's over, I'm still stuck. Stuck loving someone who will never be my happy ending.

Now I just have to figure out how to move on, even though deep down I knew that getting over someone like Rosalie would be almost impossible. I had already fallen too deep and too hard.

After our packs were gone and we both felt lighter having talked everything out, it was time for me to leave.

"No more than 4 days." Mike sternly told me as he placed his hand on my shoulder as we made eye contact.

Knowing that he was referring to our drinking agreement. The one that we made early on in our friendship. That no matter how bad life got we wouldn't drown ourselves in alcohol. We both had made that promise to ourselves, but we always liked to check in and hold each other accountable.

Mike stating 'no more than 4 days' means that for those 4 days that the other or we both can drink ourselves silly, but after that we had to deal with our shit before we started drinking again.

I knew I would need more than those 4 days, more like double that amount, but I would compromise. So I countered, "6 days."

Mike gave me a long hard look before he nodded his head and conceded with "6 days."

With that we pulled the other into a bone crushing hug. We brought our foreheads together as we continue to hold on to each other. We focus and centered ourselves with the love that we share.

After a few more moments we release the hold that we have on the other as we give one another one final hug whispering I love yous and promising to check-in in a few days.

With those parting goodbyes I hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders and headed into the airport to try and catch a flight home.

- Time Skip -

Amber's POV

I'm not going to lie, as soon as I set foot in the house I went straight for the liquor cabinet.

I grabbed the first whiskey bottle that I got my hands on. It happened to be a Jameson.

I went into my Grandfather's study and grabbed a box of his cigars for good measure.

I went outside and lit the bonfire before collapsing onto my favorite chair.

Taking a long pull from my bottle as I settled in for a long night.

Thus began a routine. I would wake up to take my morning swim then a workout. After that I would work on my project. Throwing myself head first into something that would help me focus fully by immersing my mind and body always helps with processing emotions.

My project for this week is a gazebo.

Not that we needed a gazebo, but it was the only thing that I could think of.

I would work for hours upon hours until I couldn't focus anymore, then I would proceed to drink myself silly. And then I would fall asleep, or more like pass out, and the next morning I would start the process all over again.

3 days later found me ticked off that I ran out of whiskey. Wanting to stock back up but unwilling to wait to sober up and refusing to drive drunk I found myself saddling up Tornado. Thankfully I was more around buzzed than actually drunk.

I knew my trusty horse would get me to where I needed to go and back.

After a nice ride into town to restock on some basic supplies as well as liquor. I decided to take my horse and my latest bottle out in a ride around the property to check the fences as they say.

I make it way out in the back part of the property by the old southern barn by the time I had made it through the bottle.

I have never been more thankful for my high tolerance, because that was the only thing keeping me in my saddle. Well barely in the saddle. By the time that I made it to the southern barn I was already sliding off.

My body made a thud as it landed in the dirt. Thankfully that didn't hurt, but what did was as I sat up against the side of the barn I managed to smack the back of my head on the barns wall as I sat up.

That's at the point where Tornado decided that he had had enough and decided to leave me there as he casually waltzed back to the barn area's direction near the main house. The only thing that I could do at that point is just laugh. Quite hysterically might I add.

It was during this laughing fit that my eyes were able to barely focus enough to make out 2 figures in the distance. With a long slow blink they were less than 3 feet away from me.

I had to focus past my drunken haze to try and make out what they were saying to each other. My movement must have caught the strangers attention, because I suddenly became the focus of 2 pairs of bright red eyes.

The irony was not lost on me. Vampires broke my heart and now vampires were about to break what's left of me.

The male crouch down so that he was eye level with me as he studied me with a long searching look. If I were of a sounder mind I would have wonder what he was looking for. He seemed to find whatever it was that he was looking for, because in the next instance he help out his hand to help me up.

I eyed his hand suspiciously as I told him to just kill me if that's what he was going to do.

I of course due to my drunken state missed the startled and horrified look exchanged between these two vampires

In a calm and collected voice he asked, "Do you know?"

I was confused about why he would ask when it was very evident to me that he already knew that I knew.

"That you're vampires? Or that you want to drink my blood?" I mouthed off. "You can try, though I will not be going down without a fight." I continued with a cocky tone this time as I clutched the gift from Jasper in my pocket.

I was flooded with memories of Jasper teaching me all about vampires and how to fight them. The amount of bruising my body and ego took in those few short months was staggering.

The knife in my pocket was made with vampire venom and was, as I was told, my best shot at defense while I was still human.

I had to ask Jasper to teach me a few times before he reluctantly agreed. It was only after I answered his question about why it was so important to me when there wasn't a lot that I would ever be able to do if it ever came down to a fight between me and a vampire that he finally started to work with me.

My answer was simple. "This is my family now and I want to be able to protect it. Always."

I'm roused from my inner heartache that thinking about the Cullen's usually brought me by the other vampire, a woman, wiping what I realized was a tear that had fallen from my eyes.

I was startled and we both jerked away from the other.

As I stumbled to my feet to brace myself for a fight I only lasted a few seconds before I promptly fell down and passed out.

What the three of us failed to notice was another pair of vampire eyes watching from the shadows.