11 June 1932
"Are you sure you're all right Lily love? You don't 'ave to do this if you don't want to you know."
Lily looked up from where she had been staring down into a half-filled cup of tea and realised that her mind had been far away from the present moment. Mrs Hall was looking at her sympathetically and she suddenly felt ill-mannered for having wandered out of the conversation. "No, I'm fine, really, I am. And I do want to do this. I'm looking forward to seeing Tristan."
In the three weeks since she had been home in Darrowby, she had ventured barely further than the front door of Windy Hill. Being back in the familiar surroundings of the farmhouse had made her feel safe and secure, but she still feared the looks and opinions of others. Henry and Jean Dinsdale had visited the farm to see her, and their company and conversation had been pleasant enough, but she couldn't fail to miss a slight undertone in the other woman's voice, as though she were keen to say something that she knew she shouldn't. Her father had told her that others were keen to visit too, but she had persuaded him to hold them off, unwilling to open herself up to further scrutiny. As time passed, it seemed easier to simply retreat within the four walls of home.
Her only saving grace had been her regular visits to Skeldale House to dine with Siegfried and Mrs Hall. Their company was without question, without judgement and as the time progressed, she found herself more and more excited about the moment when she would finally be able to call the place her home. Tristan was due to return from university on that afternoon's train and, after a light dinner, the plan was to go to the Drovers for a few drinks. She had been trepidatious at first, the very thought of the upcoming encounter making her feel particularly queasy of a morning, but Siegfried had assured her that he would be by her side the entire time and that whilst he was sure that no-one would pass judgement, he would defend her to the hilt if need be. For that, she loved him, and whilst she often felt there was no prospect of her love growing stronger and deeper than it already was, she regularly found herself almost taken aback by the intensity of her feelings.
"It'll be nice 'aving Tristan 'ome again," Mrs Hall mused, breaking once more into her thoughts. "I do miss 'im when 'e's not 'ere."
"'e certainly brings a bit of life to the place."
"You can say that again," Mrs Hall chuckled. "Life, chaos, exasperation for Mr Farnon…"
"And yet he likely wouldn't 'ave it any other way."
"No, indeed. Speak of the devil…"
"I do hope you ladies are not speaking ill of me," Siegfried said, striding into the kitchen and stooping to kiss Lily on the cheek.
"Only in glowing terms," she replied. "We were just talking about Tristan."
"Oh Lord, yes…" Siegfrid sighed. "Six weeks of his continued company will no doubt wear me out completely. I do hope he shows more interest in assisting than he has done in the past."
"I'm sure 'e will," Mrs Hall opined, getting to her feet. "A year at university will surely 'ave made 'im see where 'is true path lies."
"Yes…hopefully otherwise than in the direction of the Drovers. In any event," he turned back to Lily. "I've finished surgery for the afternoon, thank the Lord, so if you'll give me five minutes to clean up, we can be on our way."
"Of course," she replied, watching as he retreated from the room once more and took the stairs two at a time. The reckless part of her wished that she could follow, envisaged herself disrobing and sliding between his bedsheets, tempting him there for a blissful reunion. Of course, the idea was impossible with Mrs Hall in the house and since her return satisfaction had only come from uncomfortable, yet necessary, assignations in his car on those afternoons when they would drive into the hills together. Perhaps that was also what made her wary of being in the company of others; that they might be able to tell that her purity was long since cast to the wind.
"You've nowt to fear from folk," Mrs Hall said. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again; no-one in Darrowby would ever wish you ill."
She wished she could believe it, wished that the notions of other people's feelings were simply that; notions. But she had lived in the environs of the village for all her life. She knew the people that lived there and the way they thought. Might she not also have judged someone like herself at one time? Someone who thought themselves arrogant enough to assume they could work in a profession of which they had no knowledge and no formal training? She could blame no-one for thinking that she had gotten precisely what she deserved.
Ten minutes later, she found herself in the car heading towards the train station, the afternoon sun warming them through the windows, Siegfried's hand clasped around her own. The silence between them never bothered her, it was a comforting feeling, as though neither need say anything verbal that couldn't be communicated in other ways.
"I had a letter from Peter this morning," he said suddenly, breaking into her thoughts.
"Oh yes?"
"Yes, he was asking very kindly for you. He's been very good over these last months keeping in correspondence with me and offering his best wishes. I told him that we were hoping to wed soon, but he said that he's been unwell recently and doesn't think himself able to travel."
"That's a shame," she replied. "It would 'ave been nice to see 'im again. Ill 'ealth seems to be doing the rounds."
"Yes, quite. Damn Reverend Thwaite!"
"Siegfried!"
"I'm sorry my love, but it's bloody inconvenient having him indisposed. I resent being left in limbo as to when we can marry."
The day after her return, true to his word, Siegfried had sought out the minister to enquire as to how soon they could wed. Much to his chagrin, he had been told that, despite them previously having been called, banns would require to be called again for three successive weeks. Whilst a minor inconvenience at best, the minister taking ill in the following few days had put paid to any progress, and he was now convalescing in Scarbrough with no official word as to when he might return. A replacement had been sought, but none had been forthcoming and, for the first time in her living memory, the church stood dark and closed on Sunday mornings. Siegfried had tentatively mentioned that they could marry in a civil ceremony, but she had put paid to that. It had always been her wish to marry in the church, before God, even despite knowing she had shamed him with her carnal needs, and he had quietly accepted her decision.
"'opefully 'e'll be well again soon," she said.
"Indeed."
"Me dad's going to visit Cousin Joe next weekend," she said as he drew the car to a halt at the station. "'e weren't going to go, but I told 'im that 'e should. That I would be fine at the farm on my own."
"And is he? Going to go, I mean?"
"Yes, or so 'e says right now. I wondered if you might like to come to dinner."
"Dinner?"
"Yes."
"Alone with you at Windy Hill?"
She smiled, aware that his mind had gone in exactly the same direction as her own. "Yes."
"I would be delighted," he replied, leaning across to kiss her. "In fact, nothing would give me greater…pleasure."
"I'm sure I can think of something other than my cooking that may give you pleasure," she replied huskily. His hand cupped her face, and he pulled her into him for another lingering kiss that sent stabbing sensations through her body. It had been too long since they had had the convenience of a bed.
"I shall look forward to it," he replied, before leaving the car and coming around to open the door for her. "Let's hope Tristan made the train. He is so completely useless at reading a timetable." Sliding his hand into hers, he guided her through the station and onto the platform. Immediately, she recognised a few faces dotted around and anxiety washed over her. They all looked at her, some smiled, and others didn't, and it was only when Siegfried squeezed her hand that she was able to refocus on him and the impending arrival of his brother.
Moments later, the relentless chugging noise of the train reached her ears and before she had time to think, she was enveloped in a cloud of steam as it pulled into the station and ground to a halt. The doors opened, passengers spilling forth and, to her relief, she caught sight of Tristan a few feet away. "There 'e is."
"Oh, thank goodness," Siegfried said, "Tristan!"
The younger man's face broke into a smile when he saw them and, hurrying forwards, he dropped his suitcase at his feet and swept her up into an uncharacteristic embrace. "Lily Bailey!"
"Tristan Farnon," she laughed in response.
"How the devil are you? You look wonderful!"
"I'm well, Tristan, thank you."
"I'm amazed. Aren't you amazed Siegfried? A few months earlier we were told you were not long for this world and now…look at you. Isn't she a marvel?"
"Yes, yes, quite," Siegfried said. "It's good to see you at any rate, little brother. You managed to get yourself onto the right train then."
"I'm not entirely inept," Tristan replied. "I must say, it's good to be home, and under such wonderful circumstances. Any news yet of Reverend Thwaite and when you might be able to marry?"
"Not yet," she replied as they began walking back towards the car.
"Blasted man," Siegfried added.
"I see you've lost none of your charity," Tristan said, winking at her as they reached the car. "Perhaps you could travel to Scarborough and have him minister to you from his sick bed."
Siegfried paused, "You know, Tristan, that idea is not entirely without merit."
"Behave," she laughed, as he opened the door for her. "I'm sure the last thing the Reverend would appreciate is you bulldozing 'im into performing a ceremony in 'is bedroom."
"If it would ensure our hastened union then I would make it so."
She laughed again as he pulled away and they began their drive back to the village, the brothers engaging in gentle verbal sparring that made her fears momentarily recede to the back of her mind and only served to remind her how lucky she really was.
XXXX
He could tell that she was nervous about going out into company. It was obvious in the way that she had barely been able to pay attention to any conversation around the dinner table, how her eyes had repeatedly flitted to the clock, how she had twisted her hands in her lap when she thought he wouldn't notice and how she was now standing in front of the mirror, fixing a strand of hair that had long since submitted to order.
"You look beautiful," he said, coming up behind her, causing her to start suddenly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He looked at her reflection. "You are the most beautiful woman in Darrowby."
"Now you're just trying to flatter me," she replied fidgeting with her hair again until he took her hands in his and turned her gently to face him.
"As I told you before, everything will be fine. Everyone in the Drovers is a friend." She opened her mouth as if to argue and then closed it again, nodding in acquiescence. "Good. Tristan! Mrs Hall! Are we going to go or are we going to stand around the house all night cluttering up the place?"
"Keep your 'air on," Mrs Hall said, coming out of the kitchen. "Anyone would think the Drovers is liable to run out of ale."
"A terrible thought indeed," he replied. "Where's that brother of mine?"
"I believe 'e went on ahead."
"Did he now? Well, that's just typical of him, isn't it? No thought for anyone other than himself. Well, we best make haste." Opening the front door, he offered her his arm and they companionably made the short journey across the square to the pub, Mrs Hall slightly behind. Even before they reached the door, he could hear the sound of raucous laughter coming from within and could only imagine the state in which Tristan would be hurtling towards. Lily's hand was a like a vice around him and he smiled encouragingly at her before opening the door and allowing her to go inside.
"There they are!" Tristan's voice boomed out. "The happy couple, second time around! Hooray!"
Lily stopped dead in her tracks, causing him to almost collide with her and when he chanced to look at her, saw that her expression was stricken. Tristan seemed not to notice however, leading the crowd in another chorus of 'hooray' as though it were someone's birthday, or they had indeed just been wed.
"It's all right," he said softly, taking her hand in his. "Remember, everyone is a friend." She nodded imperceptibly and allowed him to propel her gently over to the bar, where Tristan was standing grinning at them.
"When I said that you were coming, everyone was delighted."
"Tristan, what are you doing?"
"What do you mean, what am I doing? It's a cause for celebration having you both back together again in the village. Lily can't hide at Windy Hill forever."
"Tristan…"
"It's fine," Lily said quietly, shooting him a small smile. "Really, it's fine. Thank you, Tristan, it's nice to know that folk are supportive."
"Of course they are! Why wouldn't they be?" Tristan grinned inanely and Siegfried couldn't help but feel like punching him squarely in the face. Sometime the limits of his maturity were so blindingly evident. He could tell, however, that despite her protestations, Lily still felt uncomfortable.
"No-one needs be announced like it was a coronation," he hissed at his brother. "Coming here this evening hasn't been easy for Lily."
"But why? She's amongst friends, isn't she? Why wouldn't they be pleased to see her, and you?"
He took a breath, poised to answer, when he felt Lily's hand on his arm. Glancing at her, he saw her shake her head and he closed his mouth again. There would be time to speak with his brother privately later but, at that moment, he had no wish to cause a scene.
"There's my lass," Tom's voice reached his ears and, turning, he saw the older man embracing his daughter. "Looking fit as a fiddle."
"'ow much 'ave you 'ad to drink?" she asked him good-naturedly.
"Only a few 'alfs," he replied, gesturing to his tankard.
"And the rest."
"What would you like to drink?" Siegfried asked her.
"Oh, just a small sherry," she replied before she was swallowed up by her father putting his arm around her shoulders and propelling her off to speak with a group of well-wishers. He watched as she smiled and nodded and conversed with them, even though he could tell that she remained ill at ease.
"She'll be fine," Mrs Hall said suddenly. "She just needs a bit of time to get used to being back amongst folk."
"Yes," he agreed. "I just wish she didn't believe them to all think ill of her. She remains of the mind that everyone takes the view that pride cometh before a fall."
"Because she gave some medicine to some sheep? Nonsense," Mrs Hall said. "Nobody I've spoken to 'as made any such remark to me."
"Nor me, but as she once pointed out, they would hardly be likely to say such a thing to you or I, would they?" Mrs Hall didn't reply. "I just wish the minister was in better health, then we could be married, and no-one would be of a mind to say anything."
"Do you think she'll still want to work with you, once you're married that is?"
"I don't know," he said, his eyes on her form. "I really don't know."
As the evening wore on, he saw little of her, flitting as she appeared to do from one conversation to the other. She was smiling and appeared at ease, but as time passed, he saw her face grow paler and, at one moment when she turned towards him, visibly saw her sway slightly on her feet. Without wishing to create too obvious a commotion, he hurried over to her, sliding his arm around her waist.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," she replied, "just feeling a little tired is all."
He chided himself inwardly for not noticing earlier, for not realising that although she continued to improve every day, this was the first time she had been in extended company since being so near death. "I'm sorry, my darling, I should have spirited you away long before now."
"No," she shook her head, "No, it's been fine. People 'ave been very kind. Kinder than I expected."
"I told you that you had nothing to worry about. But perhaps it's time to get you home." He looked to where Tom was sat in the corner with Henry Dinsdale. "Is your father fit to drive?"
"I would doubt it."
"Then I shall see you home. I've barely drank at all and I'm sure he can find his own way back." Turning, he saw Tristan at his back. "I'm going to take Lily home now; she's very tired."
"Of course," Tristan replied, "it's been lovely seeing you out and about Lily. I hope I'll see you at the surgery over the next few weeks. After all, it is my brother's wish that we all work together."
"Yes…" she hesitated, as he leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Perhaps."
"Come on," he said, taking her hand and leading her gently out of the door and into the warm evening air. She said nothing, simply followed him obediently, and by the time they had reached the car, he felt the weight of her almost pulling him down. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked, opening the door for her.
"Yes, I'm fine," she replied, sliding into the seat. Closing the door, he hurried around to the driver's side and climbed in beside her. "It's just been a long day, that's all."
"Yes, and one where you've been beside yourself with worry. No wonder you're exhausted." He lapsed into silence as they made their way back to Windy Hill, Lily with her head back and her eyes closed. As he pulled into the farmyard and drew to a stop, he thought for a moment that he would require to rouse her, but she quickly opened her eyes again and turned to him with a smile.
"Thank you."
"For driving you home? I would hardly have left you to walk."
"For everything."
"I'm not in need of thanks," he said. "Seeing you as I feared I never would again is more than enough for me." Leaning across, he kissed her, acutely aware of the fragility of her response. "My darling, are you sure that you're not feeling anything more beyond fatigue? You're not in pain?"
"No, I'm not in pain, really I'm not." She smiled encouragingly at him. "A good night's sleep and I'll be right as rain."
"Let me walk you to the door."
"There's no need, really."
He held her gaze, "Are you happy to be home?"
She paused for an infinitesimal moment and then smiled, "Yes, I am. Goodnight my love."
"Goodnight." He watched as she left the car and walked slowly over to the door, opening it and then turning to raise her hand in farewell before disappearing inside. He wasn't entirely convinced that he believed her, but it was an improvement at least.
15 June
The morning had begun like many others of late, with her feeling sick to her stomach, not to mention exhausted. It was confusing, for it wasn't as though she lay awake half the night. Sleep claimed her quickly when she retired to bed and her work around the kitchen was no more taxing than it had ever been. Yet she regularly found her eyelids drooping as she completed her chores. The queasy feeling never extended to her actually vomiting and generally passed once she had managed to eat some breakfast, but it was unwelcome, nevertheless.
That morning, however, she felt a keen sense of anticipation as her father was due to visit Cousin Joe for the night, allowing her and Siegfried to be completely alone at Windy Hill. When she thought about it, she visualised in her minds eye the first time he had dined alone with her, when he had asked her to marry him and then taken her to bed for the first time. She felt a pleasurable sensation in her groin whenever she thought about such repetition.
"You'll be all right on your own?" her father asked her for the umpteenth time that afternoon as he finished his work and made ready to leave. "I don't feel right about leaving you 'ere by yourself after all you've been through."
"I'll be fine, Dad," she reassured him. "I'm perfectly capable of doing everything that I was able to do before and, besides, Siegfried will be 'ere for dinner, so I won't be alone the entire time."
"Mmmm…" Tom made a show of putting on his boots. "Something not quite right about that."
"Not quite right about what?"
"You being 'ere alone with 'im."
"Well, it won't be the first time," she replied easily.
"No." He paused. "I suppose…well, I suppose you know 'ow the world works."
Confused, she turned to look at him, "'ow the world works?"
He nodded. "'ow a lass can get 'erself into a lot of trouble if she's not careful and 'ow a man can simply walk away."
She stared at him, completely taken aback by the content of his conversation, yet acutely aware of its meaning. "I don't…"
"It shouldn't 'appen, but it does. A lass gets talked into something by a man and before you know where you are, she's given a label and there's a bairn on the way."
"Dad…" she felt her face flame.
"I know you're a good lass, Lily, a moral lass, and I know that Siegfried respects you. I know that you would never get yourself into such a situation because you understand the sanctity of marriage. But when a lass finds 'erself alone with a man…" he broke off, clearly uncomfortable by the words. "All I'm saying is, it's a disgrace on 'er."
"Right," she replied, for she could find no other word in response. "Well…"
"Just bear that in mind, when 'e flatters you."
"I…will…" she turned back to the stove, unable to hold his gaze further lest he see the truth within it. Dear Lord, if only he knew… "You'll be careful on the way to and from Joe's, won't you? Don't be getting behind the wheel of that van until you're good and sober."
"I promise you lass, I'll return safe."
"Good," taking a breath and putting a smile on her face, she turned and crossed the room to kiss his cheek. "'ave a lovely time."
"I will. You take care of yourself."
Watching at the door, she waved as he turned the van in the yard and then slowly began making his way down the road. When he was out of sight, she closed the door and leaned against it, letting out a long breath and then laughing, almost unbelievably. Not that his words weren't true, for hadn't Siegfried alluded to the same thing the first night they had lain together?
Turning back to the stove, she lifted the lids on the pots and critically viewed the food cooking there. She was sure that Siegfried would enjoy the meal she was going to prepare for him that evening and knew they would both enjoy what would follow.
In some ways, she was lucky that she was unable to bear children.
