Chapter 1 - Cool-Off

I do not intend to hurt you

Allow me a bit of freedom from the both of us

I need to find myself

So don't ever think that I don't love you anymore

I'm doing this for us

Cool-off. That was what she wanted from them, but they both needed to remain friends. Because it would hurt too much if she stayed. Too many questions ran inside her head: "How patient do I have to be for him?", "Is this all worth it—am I worthy in his eyes?", "How much of myself do I have to sacrifice for this relationship?"

She always stood her ground, but right now, she needed to run away. Time was what she needed. In a haste to leave, she booked a flight far away. Where no one would know who she is; of lands which never tasted the warmth of her feet. She needed to clear her mind, perhaps drift away from the pain of yesterday's events.

So many words were left unsaid, overridden by too much emotion. She wanted to say more and elaborate on what they needed in their current situation. A reevaluation. Yet, this step of the process was as painful as stepping away. She needed to protect herself. Ah, but she knew and felt it. Everything she did or planned to do was painful.

I have to protect myself from the person I love.

No tear was enough to express this torment. But she knew what he needed; and she wasn't a part of it. Else, it would truly break the both of them. No, she didn't want that. What they had was sacred. She would try to salvage even a hair of it, no matter how little of it was left.

Simply because she loved him too much.

She hoped that the view from the window would distract her: clouds drifting away, vast lands embraced by rivers; when the sun set, it gave way for the night to come and let the stars shine. Perhaps that was what they both needed—a moment in the spotlight, just a little time to twinkle. There was promise in traveling to another place. A new perspective.

But when she arrived at her destination, everything reminded her of him. The street signs seemed to rearrange its letters to spell his name, the hustle and bustle of the busy people seemed to whisper a semblance of his voice, and when she arrived at her hotel, the first whiff of its scent toyed with her olfactory senses, causing a moment of nostalgia of him.

Once the door was shut, she couldn't stop the tears from falling, and her heart from aching. She fell on the bed and wept. Fear was always there from the start. Its first step was the uncertainty of whether or not their relationship was going to work; but they had a lot in common. They started with a strong bond of friendship, and that could never be taken away from her—from them. The second step was the profession of their love for each other. Acknowledging what they felt for each other was a leap of faith, leading to the third step of fear: losing the person she shared her heart with. Because she trusted him to hold her heart and not break it; and this unfortunate fear came into reality. Each party had their own desires. She only chose to honor his and hoped that he'd be happy. But in exchange, she had to let him go because it was too painful to realize that he did not prioritize her.

So she chose to create a rift between them, praying that the separation would help them see wisdom. She would hope and pray, to a deity or to probability, that he would recognize her importance to him.

But this would take time.

One, two, three…

One, two, three….

Even the clock on the nightstand was deluding her. Like a waltz, it seemed to dance around her, mocking her that the perspective of time relied on oneself; and that time for others differed from hers. Perhaps he would come to realize this after a few years. Would she be able to wait for him then, she thought. But she didn't need to answer that question because she loved him more than herself.

≫^・.・^≪

Fixing her appearance in front of the mirror, she gave herself a sad smile. She figured that wallowing in sorrow would not help her. It was warm that day, so she wore her long brown hair in a ponytail, put on a light long-sleeved button-up shirt, her skirt, leggings, and sneakers. It was time to walk around and see the sights. Temporarily free herself from her own mind.

"You can do this. It's another day." She said, gently slapping her cheeks with both of her hands.

Feeling a slight motivation from the action, she put on light makeup and her glasses. Her first task was to walk around the area. It wasn't her first time traveling, so she had to familiarize herself with her surroundings; note particular places—means of escape, or sanctuaries, busy areas—just in case she was in any kind of danger.

It was a beautiful day. She hoped that it was a good sign for her. The hotel she was staying at was close to tourist spots, had a pool, sports facilities, and a bar nearby. These should be enough for her to be productive for the next few months; if not, she'd visit some places that would ignite the academic passion of her brain. That would never fail her.

She spent the first week of her trip acclimating with her surroundings and redescovering herself. As her feet traversed the city, she felt a sense of relaxation. It was as if she was breathing again. Yes, this was what she needed: a temporary retreat from the internal war that was her heart. She found a café, particularly a book café, at the end of the block. It was a wide loft space, filled with endless shelves that contained varieties of books, organized by genre. The first floor was conventionally for fast-paced customers who needed a coffee-to-go, of which tables welcomed the type of people who bought beverages while waiting for their friends to arrive; while the second floor was for those who would prefer to stay for longer hours and read the books available.

The first time she spent time in that café, she went to the second floor to find a comfortable spot. Only a few tables were available there—near the balustrade—as the rest of the place was carpeted with available bean bags for the customers to sit on. She opted to settle at the corner of the place, surrounded by the shelves that blocked her from the view of other people. A smile, almost a chuckle, crept across her face as she realized why it was unfrequented there: it was the academic section of the place. The bookshelves there contained technical books for studying, some of which were for the subjects of math, science, technology, history, and social studies. She didn't mind though, as she preferred the silence, but being there gave her a sense of nostalgia—a home where she felt safe; an imitation of a place that was close to her heart. She knew then that the establishment called "Corner Café" was one of her sanctuaries.

The next week, she prepared for a possible shopping spree. There was a mall that had a bazaar that showcased some of the local specialties. Feeling that her pre-break-up self was back, she ventured to experience this small event. She picked up some hand-made accessories: a few necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. As she passed through, she noticed that the venue was decorated with vines above; the sunlight shone through clouds, passing through the leaves. The view of it made her ponder if she should visit either a fluvial area or greenery; yet, this idea caused a certain memory that she immediately dismissed. Luckily, she found a small kiosk that merchandised its own brand of clothing. She felt thrilled to see simple floral blouses and button-up shirts that matched her style, so she bought some of them, too.

Around her, people were bustling. Friends and families around, enjoying their time; sounds of business, negotiating. She overheard women talking in the background:

"Ooh, let's take a look at the local wine!" A woman said.

"Okay, let's buy some for girls' night!" Another woman with a shrilling voice responded.

Wine, she thought. It would be pleasurable to have some in her hotel room, something to accompany her sadness and aid her sleep. Her next stop was the kiosk that sold such intoxicant. Once there, she picked one of the bottles and had a look, not noticing the burly vendor coming up to her, offering her information and a sample of the liquor she was holding. She politely declined the sample, opting to keep her wits in her grasp, but the salesman persisted.

"This looks good—oh, that one too!" A tall blonde said to her shorter blonde companion, showing her the bottle on one hand, the other hand reaching for the other bottle on the shelf. She dropped the bottle when a brunette who was backing off from the wine vendor bumped into her, causing the bottle to crash to the floor.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" The brunette immediately knelt to the floor to pick up the bigger shards of glass.

"It's okay, and be careful!" The tall blonde said in a panic after the shock of it all.

She didn't notice the brunette until she threw the pieces of glass in the bin.

"Amy?" The blonde asked, surprised to see her. "Didn't you ask Caltech for a sabbatical for three months to leave California for a bit?"

"Yeah, what are you doing here? I thought you wanted to get away after you broke up with Sheldon?" The smaller blonde with a shrill voice added.

Shocked by the situation, as if she were caught red-handed, the only meek reply she could muster was: "Yeah", as she bowed her head. Unaware of the sympathetic look that the two blondes gave her, she put a finger on her lips, grazing her teeth on one of her fingernails.

"Come on, Ames. Let's get outta here and have a girls' night. Bernadette and I will be here for you." The tall blonde gently said.

"Penny's right, Amy. You know we'll always be here for you." Added the smaller blonde.

She made a gesture to reply, but the vendor butted in.

"I'm sorry, ladies, but someone has to pay for the broken bottle. Company policy." Even though the salesman's tone was kind, his overall appearance made it seem like a threat. So she offered to pay for it, and just bought the same wine that Penny held.

Nothing coming to mind, "I'm sorry" was all she could say, unable to come up with anything to further the conversation. All she could think about was the mention of the break-up; and before she wallowed in sadness, she felt arms over her shoulders and lower back, leading her out of the place. It was nightfall by then, and the two blondes led her to a restobar nearby for a much-needed dinner and drink. They just wanted their friend to loosen up a bit and have a little fun, but all the while going there, she kept quiet.

As dinner progressed, and she ate slowly, Penny and Bernadette were complimenting how she looked better with her change of clothes and hair. Even though she couldn't have a say, as all she could hear were: "You got new glasses! It looks hot on you!"; "You're also wearing more daring make-up."; "Also dressing less—no sweaters nor a tee in there, huh?" with an addition of wiggling eyebrows; "And having your hair up in a ponytail makes you look so cute!", she enjoyed their company. It made her feel less lonely, especially when she wanted a bit of distraction from what happened.

"Amy, what are you doing here?" asked Bernadette, "You told us you wanted to travel someplace far, and here you are with your new get up! Is this what you've been doing last week?"

"We understand if you want some time off, Ames, but you have to let us know about these things! Bernadette and I could give you more fashion advice! But that aside, you really did a good job in your current get up; it still shows the Amy we know: conservative, shy, and cute." Penny said with a little slur in her words.

Feeling the love and support from them, she gave a small smile, saying, "Thank you." Her two friends noticed how quiet she had been and figured to ask her about the elephant in the room. "How are you feeling? Break-ups are hard, but we're here for you, Amy. It'll get better."

"I know," she replied, "It's still fresh, so I need to distract myself for a bit. Maybe a little soul-searching would do me good; you know, away from work—away from the mundane." After a pause, she continued. "It's just painful to acknowledge the fact that I'm simply secondary."

She realized that the alcohol must have gotten in her system after drinking a swig of her cosmopolitan. The night was still young, but she figured that she must leave. Penny and Bernadette were trustworthy friends, but she was afraid that she might embarrass herself.

"Oh, Sweetie," Penny said as she put an arm around her. She wanted to defend Sheldon as he was being himself, yet, it was also unfair for her bestie who put up with all of his antics. "It'll get better. You're Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler! You're smart, kind, and pretty! Tell you what: Bernie and I will help you find a new guy."

"I appreciate the offer, Penny, but right now, I want to focus on myself. It's rare for you girls to compliment me, so I'll assume that I'm making progress." She joked, making the other women laugh as well. They had a fun time for a while longer before she figured that she had to leave. Immediately. "Thank you for the company. I'll see you girls around. Drive safely!"

As quick as her feet could, she left before she could hear Penny shouting to call them. The beautiful city lights didn't give her enough comfort no matter how eye-catching they were. Her mind was processing the events that happened that day, particularly meeting the two blondes. She walked a longer way back to her hotel, hoping the exercise would lessen her overthinking.

The salesman at the liquor kiosk intimidated her with his physique and sales talk; causing her to step back and bump into the woman named Penny who was accompanied by her friend, Bernadette. These two seemed like her friends, greeting her, comforting her about her break-up; even offering her to have a girls' night so she wouldn't feel lonely. She felt grateful that there were people like them who would love her like the way they did. Pausing her steps, she looked up at the night sky. She wondered the odds of all the circumstances that happened today. Her brilliant mind could possibly calculate this, but the probability was incredibly small.

Exhaustion soon came to her as she arrived at her hotel room. She fell on her bed, thinking that it was the softest in the whole world. Microdreams rushed into her almost sleep-induced state. Thereisnoromannumeralforzero. Oneofahundredthofasecondisajiffy. Evennumbersaddedtogetherwouldstillsumupanevennumber. Onehundredelevenmillion,onehundredeleventhousand,andonehundredelevensquaredis12,345,678,987,654,321. And as she was falling into REM sleep, there were several questions that popped into her head before she was unconscious:

Why did I lie?

Why did I keep that façade?

Who is Amy?


Author's Note: Hello! It's been a long while since I wrote something, and this is it. Hope you guys enjoy. I'm open to suggestions if there are some. Also, I do not know how long this fic will be, but I will do my best. Thank you! Till the next chapter!