Chapter 137 JEFF DUNHAM
Its been a week since Luthor was killed and since Cadmus was taken over by the Legion. Currently right Now Thanos's right hand man Ebony Maw was searching for universes that the Regime might be in before both sides went to attack them and liberate said universe from the Regime.
Now right now however though a large majority of the Legions best were in a stadium.
"What the hells going on?" Reznov asked.
"Like I know. All I know is Sean invited almost all the best minus the Transformers." Russo said before Sean walked on stage.
"Ok I'm glad everyone is here." Sean said in the Mic.
"Yo whats this all about?" Frank West asked.
"I have decided to do something special for everyone here. For years we've all done a great job of protecting people so I decided to give everyone a reward for their years of service with a special Guest." Sean said.
"Taylor swift?" Mike Lowery asked making most people laugh.
"No." Sean said making him pout while his girlfriend Sid elbowed him. "I have invited a comedian here. Someone famous for doing something unique and has been doing this for Decades." Sean said.
"Ok bud I'll bite. Who is it?" Russo asked making him smirk.
"You should know Bill. You're the one who got me into his acts." Sean said.
"What...OOOH!" Russo said laughing.
"Who?" Sara asked.
"Allow me to introduce...JEFF DUNHAM!" Sean yelled making the crowd cheer as the famous ventriloquist walked out with a case.
"Thank you! Thank you! I gotta tell you I never once thought I would be in this position." Jeff said.
"What being famous?" Sean asked.
"No actually entertaining real super heroes. Although I gotta ask. You basically take down all the bad guys right?" Jeff asked.
"Yes." Sean said.
"Well...Why didn't you take down my Ex wife?" Jeff asked making everyone laugh.
"I don't think she qualifies as a criminal...Even if she is a bitch." Sean said getting more laughter. "Hell even I wouldn't date her." Sean said getting more laughs.
"Speaking of dating I keep hearing your little harem is constantly growing. Who's the latest?" Jeff asked.
"Galatea." Sean said pointing at Kara's clone who smirked as she stood next to the original and Karen making them look like triplets.
"Wow. You are a lucky man. Now lets get to the little people in the boxes shall we?" Jeff asked getting everyone to cheer. "Now you all might know someone like this in your family or someone you work with. Please welcome my old friend Walter." Jeff said making everyone cheer as Jeff pulled Walter out and sat him down on a stand.
"Holy fuck will you shut the hell up!" Walter yelled making most laugh as did Jeff. "You too dumbass."
"How you doing Walter?" Sean asked.
"Who the fuck are you?" Walter asked getting some laughs.
"Walter, this is Sean he's the leader of the Legion." Jeff said.
"Oh. Why is he here?" Walter asked.
"We were invited to perform here." Jeff said.
"Oh I get it. So we're nothing but entertainment for these guys. Nothing ever changes." Walter said.
"Whats your problem now?" Sean asked.
"Ah my wife again. She's really getting on my nerves now." Walter said.
"Why?" Jeff asked.
"She wants to Renew our Vows." Walter said making everyone laugh. "My god it's my worst nightmare." Walter said.
"You know you keep saying you hate your marriage but let me ask you something." Sean said.
"What?" Walter asked.
"If you really hate it...Why don't you ask for a divorce?" Sean asked getting no response making people laugh. "Well?" Sean asked.
"I...Have no comment." Walter said making everyone laugh.
"Face it you love your wife no matter how much you complain." Sean said.
"Oh once you get to my age you and your wife will complain daily." Walter said.
"I have more than one wife." Sean said making him widen his eyes making everyone laugh as he faced him.
"What?" Walter asked in disbelief.
"Yeah Sean's got a pretty big Harem." Jeff said leaving him speechless while everyone laughed.
"Why? Are you trying to kill yourself?" Walter asked getting everyone to laugh harder.
"I have a very healthy love life and lots of kids." Sean said.
"How many?" Walter asked.
"What? How many kids?" Sean asked. "I have 12 kids and two of them are twins." Sean said getting an applause from the audience.
"Wow you must want one big family." Jeff said.
"No." Walter said. "I meant how many girls do you have? like what a dozen? A couple dozen?" Walter asked making Sean look around.
"Over two hundred and forty." Sean said making everyone gasp and laugh.
"You...Are the biggest dumbass I have ever met." Walter said making everyone laugh. "Over two hundred and forty! Have you lost you're fucking mind!" Walter yelled making everyone laugh
"I can't help it. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone who loves you back." Sean said.
"Are you sure its not just the sex?" Walter asked getting some laughs.
"If it was just about sex they wouldn't be in the harem." Sean said.
"Whatever your a moron and your gonna drown in all those girls. Just you wait." Walter said getting a bigger amount of laughter.
"Walter." Jeff said.
"Anyway I got some honest questions for ya. If I recall correctly during the 2017 elections you were a heavy influence in making sure Hilary Clinton got into office and Not Donald Trump." Walter said.
"Well, I like Hillary and Hated Trump." Sean said.
"You want to know who the real winner was in the elections? Bill Clinton." Walter said.
"Bill? How did he win?" Sean asked.
"Because now Hilary isn't home every single night!" Walter said getting a large amount of laughs.
"Wow." Sean said.
"So why did you make sure Trump lost?" Walter asked.
"He's an asshole." Sean said getting everyone to agree. "I mean hell he said LETS A BUILD A WALL! There are so many reasons why thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Sean said. "A its Racist. B A fucking waste of resources and C there are dozens of other ways for Immigrants to get into the country. Now a-days though there are no boarders between us and Mexico since Employment is up on high. Racism is down especially since those fucking KKK idiots are gone and people are accepting each other much more." Sean said.
"What if Trump did win though?" Walter asked.
"Lets see. If he won people would be as stupid as him. Theres actually a dozen books about why he sucks believe it or not." Sean said.
"Whats your favorite part?" Jeff asked.
"He's a failure as a businessman. Which in truth he is. Only reason he managed to last this long is because of blind luck." Sean said. "Hell if he did win he would rename the country TRUMP NATION!" Sean said getting everyone to laugh.
"Amen to that." Walter said.
"You know there are actually comics based on Trump's stupidity.(This is all true) The Unquotable Trump which has him looking like the Hulk only he's ugly." Sean said getting everyone to laugh. "And then theres a computer game that calls him...Ronald Rump." Sean said snickering with Jeff.
"Ronald Rump?" Jeff asked. (True story)
"I am not playing that." Walter said.
"Anyway it shows him doing everything we know is true like deporting innocent families and smiling about it. Placing women in jail for abortions and various other shit. If he was president thats what you would expect." Sean said getting everyone to agree.
"You really hate him don't you?" Jeff asked.
"I hate him more than my worst enemies. Anyway lets go back to the good stuff and ignore the ugly things in life." Sean said making everyone laugh.
"You know thers a lot of heroes here...Don't you guys have something better to do?" Walter asked making everyone laugh.
"I call this a reward for their years of service. Everyone old and new." Sean said.
"So the new ones got this show for free when they didn't do jack shit...Yeah that works." Walter said getting some laughs.
"So how long have you been married Walter?" Sean asked.
"Over 50 years now." Walter said getting an applause.
"How bout you Sean how long have your parents been married." Jeff asked.
"Uh about nearly 35 years now." Sean said getting a big applause while said parents smiled at each other. "One thing about my family is theres never been one Divorce." Sean said making everyone laugh.
"So I understand you finally killed Lex Luthor one of your top enemies is that right?" Jeff asked.
"Wish I had done it sooner that fucking Bald retarded Bastard." Sean said getting everyone laugh. "Truthfully we were getting close before his final plan took place. I'm actually gonna miss him." Sean said.
"Really?" Walter asked.
"Hell no." Sean said getting everyone to laugh. "He was doomed from the start. Karma finally caught up with him." Sean said. "So Walter who's your greatest enemy?" Sean asked.
"My wife." Walter said getting some laughs. "You know I honestly have a question. Regarding some of your Hero names." Walter said.
"Oh?" Sean asked.
"Now names like Superman, Supergirl, Powergirl, Wonder Woman, Cyborg those names I like...Now others on the other hand. Two hands...Sounds like a hand job." Walter said making everyone burst out laughing while Revy growled glaring at Cisco who chuckled nervously.
"I have no comment." Sean said.
"Vibe...What is he a human Vibrator?" Walter making everyone laugh even harder while Cisco widened his eyes in shock.
"AHAHAHAHA!" Sean laughed falling on his back. "Oh that is brilliant." Sean said.
"Now Flash...Do I need to say more. What is his suit a trench coat and he FLASHES people to knock them out?" Walter asked making everyone laugh again while Barry held his face while his wife laughed. "And Kid Flash...Is there anything there even worth showing honestly?" Walter asked making people laugh even harder.
"Oh boy." Sean said laughing.
"What about you? Whats your hero name?" Walter asked.
"I honestly just go by commander or my real name. I don't do hero names." Sean said.
"Good...Cause it would probably be something dumb like you." Walter said.
"Walter." Jeff said.
"Well, he is. over two hundred and forty women how can he not be dumb?" Walter asked.
"Say goodnight Walter." Jeff said as people applauded as he went into the box. "Ladies and Gentlemen. There is a terrorist amongst us." Jeff said getting people to cheer. "And I swear I have no idea how I can keep saying this but here it is. Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist throughout the universe. Achmed, the Dead Terrorist." Jeff said brining out his famous puppet making everyone cheer as he was sat down before Achmed laughed.
"Greetings heroic Infidels!" Achmed yelled.
"Good evening Achmed." Sean said.
"Oh it is good to see you too Heroic infidel number 1." Achmed said before laughing.
"Wow Achmed your in a good mood." Jeff said.
"I know I can't believe I am here." Achmed said.
"Why's that?" Sean asked.
"I have been detained by your security for weeks!" Achmed said glaring at Sean who raised an eyebrow.
"Why?" Sean asked.
"Seriously?" Achmed asked.
"Well..."
"I was detained because your idiot security think I look like A terrorist." Achmed said.
"But you are." Sean said.
"HA! I got you now! You're a racial profiler!" Achmed said.
"But you have a record." Sean said.
"You are violating my rights!" Achmed said.
"What rights? You're a fucking terrorist." Sean said.
"It's in your constitution." Achmed said.
"Those changed when the Legion took charge." Sean said making him widen his eyes while everyone laughed.
"Same shit." Achmed said quickly.
"What?" Sean asked.
"Freedom to assemble shit and blow it up." Achmed said.
"There is no such thing now or before." Sean said.
"Freedom of the pressing of buttons." Achmed said.
"No." Sean said making people laugh.
"STOP LAUGHING!" Achmed yelled.
"So what happened?" Jeff asked.
"The head of security takes one look at me and yells DETAIN!" Achmed yelled getting some laughs. "Next thing I know they dog piled on me. About crushed every bone I have left." Achmed said.
"You look fine." Sean said.
"Go to hell." Achmed said getting some laughs.
"Achmed I gotta ask. Why did you become a suicide bomber? I mean...Didn't you want to live?" Sean asked making him whimper.
"I wasn't thinking straight when I entered the academy." Achmed said.
"Wait theres an Academy?" Jeff asked.
"Of course." Achmed said proudly.
"Whats it called?" Sean asked
"Osama Bin Laden's training academy." Achmed said making everyone laugh. "Of course now it's a real pile of rubble these days." Achmed said.
"What happened?" Sean asked.
"A couple freshmen practiced all over the place at the same time." Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"Oh? How did you get your recruits?" Sean asked.
"We gave them empty promises about they would become famous." Achmed said.
"Is that how you got in?" Sean asked making him widen his eyes before looking away making everyone laugh.
"Yes." Achmed said ashamed making them laugh.
"So Achmed I understand you got your 72 virgins." Sean said.
"Oh yes." Achmed said in excitement.
"Were they all Female virgins" Jeff asked.
"HOLY CRAP!" Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"You know I just realized...How do you please them when your...Like this?" Sean asked making him widen his eyes while everyone laugh.
"Uh..." Achmed tried to say.
"Your not actually sleeping with them are you?" Sean asked.
"No...I got what I wanted but I can't do SHIT!" Achmed yelled making everyone laugh. "Damnit Osama! When I get my hands on you!...Oh waits he's already dead." Achmed said.
"Hey Jeff correct me if I'm wrong but before you had Achmed didn't you have another Terrorist in your act?" Sean asked. (This is actually true before his movies)
"Oh yeah." Jeff said.
"WHAT! You had someone before me! Who is this bitch!" Achmed yelled in outrage.
"Osama Bin Laden." Jeff said making him gasp while everyone laugh.
"If I recall correctly he looked very similar to Achmed...Only ugly." Sean said making them both laugh.
"I hate both of you." Achmed said getting some laughs.
"So Achmed after the accident what happened?" Sean asked.
"I just walked around till I met Jeff and look at me now! I am the most famous Terrorist!" Achmed said.
"For now." Sean said making him widen his eyes.
"What?" Achmed asked.
"Well, eventually someone will take your place. Kinda like modern celebrities. Their famous now but as they get older someone new and younger takes over." Sean said making him look down.
"No. I'll lose all the Goats." Achmed said making everyone laugh which made him glare at them. "SILENCE! I KILL YOU!" Achmed yelled making them cheer which cheered him up. "Oh thank you. Silence I kill you, Silence I kill you." Achmed said enjoying the fame.
"Why do you always say that?" Sean asked.
"What? Silence I kill you?" Achmed asked. "Because hush hush or I give you a swirly doesn't have the same effect on people as it used to during the old days." Achmed said getting some laughs.
"Swirlies? Ugh. I remember back in high school Eddie Kim would try to give those to some of the skinny kids back in the old days. Of course me and my old group would turn it around and do it to him." Sean said laughing with his group.
"Sweet revenge?" Jeff asked.
"Don't tell me you wouldn't want revenge on your worst enemy during your golden years as people call it." Sean said getting a great many to agree.
"I'm curious about something. What age did you start in High school?" Jeff asked.
"11." Sean said surprising him and others.
"11? Why?" Jeff asked.
"Well, I couldn't stay in elementary school for more than 3 days in every San Diego district." Sean said.
"Got into fights?" Jeff asked.
"Not exactly. I kept making some of the teachers all men I might add look like Idiots when I proved I was smarter then them. Eventually it turned ugly and I mouthed off at them and got into fist fight with one." Sean said making everyone laugh.
"You got into a fist fight with a teacher?" Jeff asked in disbelief.
"Yes and I won with ease. Eventually my dad decided to send me to High school during the second quarter. Thats where I met Eddie Kim and he started bossing me around. I stood up to his dumbass with my brother since he was smarter then most kids his age so we got into the same high school at the same grade. I kicked Kims ass and became the most popular student in school in one day." Sean said.
"Really? Thats good to hear. How long did you two stay in high school?" Jeff asked.
"2 years. Then I went into College and met my first girlfriend Susan Storm." Sean said making Susan blush a little.
"Boring." Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"You know Achmed I never asked but which group did you work with during your time as a suicide bomber?" Sean asked.
"Why do you want to know?" Achmed asked.
"Just curious." Sean asked.
"I worked for Osama back in the day." Achmed said.
"Well, since he's been dead since 2011 are you afraid the US will come after you?" Sean asked making him laugh but stopped.
"Wait what?" Achmed asked.
"You're a terrorist." Sean said.
"Yeah but I fucking suck at it." Achmed said.
"You know the US has the deck of cards of the most wanted remaining Terrorists. Are you one of those?" Sean asked.
"No I'm in the go fish deck." Achmed said getting everyone to laugh.
"So what did you think about them burying him at sea?" Sean asked.
"I think it's cool he can end up anywhere." Achmed said.
"Meaning what?" Sean asked.
"That is one episode of Spongebob I gotta see." Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"By the way I heard you have over two hundred and forty women in your harem is that right?" Achmed asked.
"Yes?" Sean asked.
"You are my hero." Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"Whatever." Sean said. "So Achmed have you kept in contact with your son AJ?" Sean asked.
"Sometimes. He's still kinda pissed at me." Achmed said.
"Pissed at you for what?" Sean asked.
"Nothing." Achmed said quickly.
"For blowing them both up by accident." Jeff said making some laugh.
"All I did was pull out my phone and BOOM! We both die." Achmed said making everyone laugh.
"Achmed...Being brutally honest you are with out a doubt a bigger idiot than Trump." Sean said.
"At least I don't wear some hair piece on my bald head." Achmed said getting everyone to laugh. "You know speaking of that biggest jackass of all time I gotta tell you my old buddies really hate him." Achmed said.
"Why?" Jeff asked.
"Do I really need to answer that?" Achmed asked getting everyone to laugh. "Hell they wanted to build his wall to keep him the hell away from them." Achmed said getting people to laugh and groan. "OH SCREW YOU! THATS A FUNNY JOKE!" Achmed yelled getting some laughs.
"Say goodnight Achmed." Jeff said putting him away as the crowd cheered.
"Please tell me he's not coming out?" Sean asked.
"Who?" Jeff asked.
"The most annoying purple monkey in the universe." Sean said getting people to laugh and cheer.
"Yes he is. Say hi to my buddy Peanut!" Jeff said pulling out his most hyper puppet making people cheer while Peanut laughed.
"How you doing Peanut?" Jeff asked.
"Doing pretty good how bout you?" Peanut asked.
"I'm fine." Jeff said.
"That's good, that's good, that's good!" Peanut yelled.
"Ya like it here?" Sean asked making him look at him.
"Who the fuck are you?" Peanut asked making everyone laugh. "Are you our new Butler?" Peanut asked making everyone laugh harder while Sean looked offended.
"Say what!" Sean asked in shock.
"This is Sean he runs the Legion." Jeff said.
"Oh so this is the loser who had nothing better to do then ruin peoples lives." Peanut said making people laugh.
"Oh piss off Muppet Reject." Sean said making him gasp while people laughed harder.
"You jerk!" Peanut yelled.
"So peanut you like being here?" Jeff asked.
"In front of all these heroes?...NO." Peanut said getting people to laugh.
"Why not?" Jeff asked.
"One wrong move and I end up in a cell." Peanut said.
"I thought you were one all the time anyway?" Sean asked referring to the case making people laugh.
"Thats not the same. If I commit a crime and go to a cell I gotta be careful not to drop the soap." Peanut said making people laugh. "I do not want to be someone's bitch." Peanut said making them laugh harder.
"I thought you already were." Sean said making people laugh hard while Peanut looked at him.
"HUH?" Peanut asked in confusion before Sean looked at him from behind where Jeff's hand was which they saw before people burst out into laughter before he figured it out.
"I HATE YOU!" Peanut said annoyed making him laugh,
"Like I haven't heard that before." Sean said.
"By the way where are we?" Peanut asked.
"We're in Florida." Jeff said.
"Oooh. Is there a chance we can see those girls gone wild scenes?" Peanut asked making people laugh while some of the female members groaned. "What? You hand out a bear to them and they take their tops off." Peanut said making everyone laugh.
"Is that what your mother did back in her day?" Sean asked making everyone laugh harder.
"No." Peanut said.
"Then again considering how ugly you are I doubt anyone even wanted to tape her." Sean said making everyone laugh hard.
"What is your problem?" Peanut asked.
"Sorry Jose paid me to say all that. Speaking of whom." Sean said making people cheer as Jeff pulled out said puppet. "Hola Jose." Sean said.
"Hola señor Kruger." Jose said.
"Are you happy to be here?" Sean asked.
"I am always happy to see real heroes." Jose said.
"Yeah all we need to see now is Captain Mexican." Peanut said getting some laughs.
"Your just jealous that Jose is more popular than your dumbass." Sean said making him drop his mouth while people laughed.
"WHAT! I am way more popular then him!" Peanut yelled.
"Well, technically Achmed is more popular than both of you." Sean said.
"No he's not!" Peanut yelled.
"Actually he is." Jeff said making him look at him. "Walter is even more popular than you." Jeff said.
"Then again how can a purple virgin monkey be popular?" Sean asked making people laugh.
"Bravo señor." Jose said.
"Both of you shut up." Peanut said. "You know I got an honest question about some of your hero names." Peanut said.
"Walter already did that." Sean said.
"Well, here are my questions. Robin...What does he sing to his enemies to stop them?" Peanut asked getting some laughs.
"Lame." Jose said.
"Shut up." Peanut said. "Star Lord...That is the gayest name I have ever heard." Peanut said.
"Thats not what your mother said last night." Jose said making everyone laugh.
"You guys are getting on my nerves." Peanut said.
"Now you know how everyone feels about you. You annoy everyone by just existing." Sean said getting some laughs.
"The Invisible woman...Does that mean she can walk around naked everywhere?" Peanut asked making people laugh while Susan blushed at that idea.
Sean glared at him for that comment making him move back a little.
"To far?" Peanut asked.
"I fucking hate you." Sean said making people laugh. "Jeff, I gotta ask. What in the hell convinced you to make such a horrifying monster here?" Sean asked.
"HEY!" Peanut yelled.
"I'll be brutally honest...I think I was drunk." Jeff said.
"Which is how Jeff was conceived." Peanut said making everyone laugh.
"No thats how your mother had you." Jose said making him drop his mouth while Sean and everyone laughed.
"Go back to your boarders!" Peanut yelled making everyone boo at him.
"I think your done Peanut." Jeff said about to put him away.
"No wait I got one last question!" Peanut yelled.
"What?" Sean asked.
"You have two hundred and forty women right?" Peanut asked.
"Yes?" Sean said.
"So...Which girl did you sleep with first?" Peanut asked making him widen his eyes while everyone looked like they really wanted to know.
"Uh..." Sean tried to say.
"Obviously Diana." Kara said making her smirk.
"No." Sean said making her widen her eyes that she wasn't his first.
"Me obviously." Mai Valentine said smirking.
"Nope." Sean said.
"Sue?" Sally said looking at her who shakes her head.
"Well, who the hell was it?" Peanut asked getting impatient.
"Me."
Everyone turned and saw...Regina raising her hand with a grin.
"WHAT!" Everyone yelled.
"Uh yeah. A couple months after Susan and I broke up Regina came by...But it wasn't a dating relationship...It was...More of a friends with benefits relationship." Sean said making everyone laugh.
"Wow! She must have been your high school sweetheart!" Peanut yelled before Sean punched him in the face making everyone laugh. "OOOOWWW!" Peanut yelled.
"Say goodnight Peanut." Jeff said placing him and Jose in the box. "You people have been wonderful. I wish the best for all of you. Goodnight!" Jeff said as everyone applauded him as he left.
Later
Diana looked at Sean in amusement.
"How long are you gonna keep looking at me like that?" Sean asked.
"When were you going to tell me I wasn't your first?" Diana asked.
"You didn't ask and I didn't think it was important. Regina and I back then were just...Good friends with benefits before we ended it like adults. She wanted to focus on her carrier and I wanted to make the world a better place. Mai came in at one point and it ended a couple months later. Then I met you and here we are." Sean said.
"I guess that explains why you were so good." Diana said amused making him chuckle before an alert came up.
"Yeah?" Sean asked.
"We got a visitor." Lane said.
"Be right there." Sean said.
Arriving at the Watch Tower Sean saw Lane talking with Thanos's right hand Man Ebony Maw.
"You must be Maw." Sean said shaking his hand.
"A pleasure. I have some good news for all of us. I have located the Regime...However I'm afraid I was wrong about them being in another universe." Maw said.
"What do you mean? Their in our universe?" Sean asked.
"No. They are in another universe thats true but they are also in others as well." Maw said.
"Meaning their in more than one." Lane said.
"It might also explain the metals we find in those Cyborgs in the Terminator universe." Sean said.
"Metals?" Maw asked.
"Kano found traces of unidentified metals inside the Cyborgs. This might explain why. They were stealing from other universes." Sean said.
"My findings suggest how long they've been there." Maw said showing the data. "This one in particular they've only been in for say a couple weeks." Maw said.
"All right so thats the one we hit first. Meaning odds are they don't have that many bases or any if we're lucky." Sean said.
Authors Note: I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter since I have been working on this all week long. Now Next Chapter the Legion and Thanos's army will travel to another Universe and see whats in store for them. Also to my most Loyal Guest Reviewer to answer your question about why I took last week off. There was nothing special I just wanted some time away from work. Also regarding the X pit episode I didn't skip it. I just decided to do it at a later date since I wanted to do episodes involved Cadmus more than that at the time. Read, Review, Fav and Follow. REVIEW MY LOYAL FANS! See ya!
