Clouded - Part 1

WARNING: Descriptions of panic attacks.

Zaiya began to circle her opponent, her stance defensive, her eyes trained on him. She could see the sparks and swirls of power with her nexus eye, giving her insight into the moves he would make just before he made them. There was a pull, like a bunching of cloth by his right hand and she dodged aside just in the nick of time.

"Nice one Feral!" She laughed.

A wicked grin crossed her face as she rolled across the hard ground. There was no one around to witness this, she could do as she wished, unleash her power and feel how full it was in comparison to before. However this was a test. What had she remembered of the training her Prince had granted her. To see what her body still remembered of her skills. It was harder to move than she remembered, and she didn't have the strength she had once, now her muscles were wasted away.

She'd spent the last few weeks doing what she could to bulk up, eating plenty of meat, though she wasn't used to such large meals anymore. Savage had been relieved when she had been wearing one of the fitted tops and he could not count her ribs anymore. She had been visiting the Nightbrother village rather regularly, so much so that her presence was not so frightening to most of the other zabrak, though they of course mostly still avoided her. The three friends of her little brothers were there, Brutus had been reluctant to let Feral go anywhere and after spotting a few moments between the two with bowed heads and a gentle touch of the face, she knew what was going on. Telling the baby Opress in a whisper at one point that she was so happy for him. He hadn't divulged much but the smile and the blush to his yellow cheeks was enough. He was happy too. Though it did give her much to think about.

They were positioned in a clearing North of the village, an old ruin from ancient Dathomirians left to rot, now was their private sparring ground. She had been teaching her brothers to use the Force as her master had taught her, though in the years she had forced her emotions away, she had discovered that there were other ways to call the force to her aid. Feral was the most adept. She could see the power swirling in him, and she had even begun teaching him some Nightsister spells. He was hesitant at first but she assured him it was to counter any attacks. The group was stunned to see that a male was able to tap into the nexus. Zaiya has been so proud she'd given him a crushing hug and kissed his cheek. Feral looked ready to cry.

They tried not to use the magick when Sunder was around, he nearly jumped out of his skin the first time she had called a stick to her hand with a flourish of green smoke. Though she reasoned it was good practice to use the Force more and rely lesser on her magick. The more passive effects of her eye also enhanced much of her skills, she could see things just before they happened and was able to move much faster than before. Well… almost. Her body was still rebuilding its strength so she was often knocked on her ass by the boys.

The first time it happened had all of them frozen, Savage asking if she was alright, his eyes wide and hands trembling. Her response was just to laugh… which devolved into a coughing fit from being so winded. But she got up, and congratulated him on the excellent strike.

Now she faced off against Feral who was just so quick! She was barely able to keep up, though her speed had improved as her strength did. She darted past the smaller Opress and jabbed with left hand, then right. Feral slapped her hands away, striking with his own to her shoulder. He didn't miss this time and the Nightsister stumbled back. With a soft grunt she surged forward again, the pain fuelled her response. She was suddenly in his face and struck him in the chest with her knee. Feral went sprawling across the ground and coughed. She paused, still waiting for an attack, but he waved a hand indicating he needed a break. The next second she was by his side, helping him up.

"Are you okay?" She bit her lip. She hadn't hit too hard had she?

"You're getting better." Feral grinned with a wheeze. "That one was a good hit." He rubbed his chest with a wince.

"Well… I have had very good teachers." She grinned, gesturing to him. The young zabrak blushed a little. She hauled him to his feet and they walked back to where Savage waited. He looked pleased. "Soon I'll be even better than I was before." She beamed to him, and he let out a laugh.

"It's astonishing to see the improvements in just a few weeks." He admired, and Zaiya puffed her chest out proudly. She was reminded of Sixy when he said things like that. She missed that droid.

"Well I have a lot of awesome to make up for." she chirped, posing with her hands on her hips and jerked her chin in the air. Her boys just laughed. Her boys. She smiled with pride as she looked them over. They had improved greatly as well, she was so proud of them. She took a seat on the stone on which they'd laid their supplies. They had various weapons to practice with, water and something to eat seeing as they were out all day. She enjoyed these little moments, the soft breaks where she could see them be at ease, smiling and laughing as they should be. As they deserved to be, away from the cruelty of the galaxy, from the Sisters, from all of it. She just wished there was one more in which to share this moment with.

The three of them ate quietly, a soft breeze blew through the ruins, stirring up a small flurry of snowflakes, some of which settled in her similarly coloured curls. She looked up, a grin crossing her features as she took a moment to enjoy the serenity.

"You look like an angel like that." Savage chuckled. Zaiya's expression dropped instantly and a terrified expression crossed her face as she looked down.

"Do not call me that…" She whispered, her voice strained.

"Why not? You-" It seemed he had finally looked at her. "What's wrong? What did I do?" He asked, urgency rising in his tone. Emotions crashed over her, enough to destroy what good feelings she had and plunging her into a world of memory. That name. That fucking name. She tried to push it away, the pressure in her throat trying to choke back the words. It wasn't Savage's fault. D'Sarr wasn't here… she was safe… Savage didn't know, it wasn't his fault. So why was she still feeling like the floor had dropped away? Like she was in danger? Like she had to run as far away as she could? She moved to stand but her knees gave out and she crashed to the ground, shaking. She felt hands on her and jerked away in a panic, looking up into Savage and Feral's frightened faces. Feral pulled back at once. She tried to speak but her face contorted into an expression of agony as a fat heavy tear rolled down her cheek.

No, she couldn't do this to them. She had to stop, she wasn't in danger. Stop it. Stop it… stop it! She couldn't speak, she couldn't tell them what she needed to tell them, that it wasn't their fault, that she didn't mean to do this. Her vision blurred and her hands clenched into fists. She hated this. She hated the one that could still ruin her happiness at just the mention of a word. All the fear she had put aside rushed back in an instant, one tiny sound had unlocked a wave of utter agony. She could hear her brothers speaking to her… but she couldn't understand it, couldn't respond.

Suddenly she was enveloped in warmth. Strong arms squeezing her tight and chasing away the biting cold settling in her hearts. Her face was buried against this heat, against the fabric as she let out a muffled scream. Anything to push this feeling out. To make it go away. Her fingers held tight to whatever she was pressed against. Listening to the rapid thuds in her ears.

It seemed forever until the shaking stopped. Until the sobs subsided. When she was able to breathe again, she found herself wrapped up in Savage's arms, his hearts the sound she could hear. They had slowed as well in the last few minutes and she finally calmed down. Her face was red and tear-stained, her lower lip swollen and pink from where she had bit down on it to try and forcefully quiet herself. Feral had taken hold of one of her hands and was hushing her gently as one might to a frightened child. She felt so foolish.

"...mmm…" She tried to speak and the grip on her was released at least a little.

"Zaiya…?" Savage whispered in a soft fearful tone, as though he was afraid of breaking her.

"I'm… okay… I'm sorry." She managed, her face flushed with embarrassment, she shuffled back and he managed to release her, if just a little. She realised then she was practically in his lap. She reached out and scooped up a handful of fresh snow and pressed her face into the icy substance to cool it. The shocking cold made her gasp and she was able to focus more. After a minute or so she wiped her face clean on her robe and took a deep breath.

"What happened…?" Feral asked. Zaiya shook her head, trying to clear it.

"I didn't mean to. I won't call you that again-" Savage stated, and she looked up in alarm at his tone. He looked so miserable. She moved to hug him immediately.

"No, no no… It wasn't you Savage, I'm sorry. You didn't know." She reassured, and drew back holding their hands in each of hers. She would have to explain it so they could understand. Even if it was so very hard to talk about. "That name… it's what- it's what I was called when I was- when I was with those people." Their eyes widened, seeming to realise the depth of pain that came with one word.

"I'll never say it again." Savage gasped, horrified, "I wasn't trying to- I just wanted-" Zaiya cupped his chin, his flustered and worried face made her feel a little better, only in that it showed just how much he cared.

"I know. You were trying to say something kind. And I appreciate that Savage… truly I do." She hugged him again and he held her so tight she could barely breathe, his face buried in her shoulder. He mumbled something then that she couldn't quite hear, but she still held him tight as she would when he was small, running her thumb back and forth over the back of his neck to soothe him.

"You shouldn't be the one to try and comfort me…" He sighed as he pulled away finally. "I… will make sure that you are alright. That you are safe, that no one can ever do that to you again…!" Oh… he was so serious and so determined.

"If you stay… then we can make sure of it?" Feral asked quietly, his eyes unsure. Zaiya let out a sigh. She felt so heavy all of a sudden.

"I will be more careful." She assured them, "I don't like leaving you here when I go either. There is so much in this galaxy that makes no sense, that I want to change. So if I can, I will if it makes things better."

"You can't save the whole galaxy, what are you going to do? Become a Senator of Dathomir?" Feral frowned.

"Oh to the void with the rest of the galaxy!" Zaiya replied hotly, "I am going to change things for you. For my family!" Feral paused, and while she could see acceptance, she also saw pain in his eyes. "I know it's not ideal… but if that monster had taken you instead of your brother, I would still do the same." His eyes widened at this. Which gave her pause. Did he not know this? Did he not know he was important too? She reached out to grasp his chin lightly. "You mean the world to me Feral. The world, the sky and the stars. Never forget that." He jolted forward to hug her, looking like he would cry. She stayed there for a few minutes before finally, they all managed to calm down and relax a little. Zaiya was determined to leave things a little better than the current mood, encouraged a little more practise with the Force before she had to return.


After that it was a little harder for Zaiya to return to the village. Talzin had begun noticing Zaiya's disappearances, and had called the sister to train with her magick once more. She was vigorous that Zaiya retained her power, relentless in her training, pushing the girl to do more, to concentrate harder. To perform the spell one more time.

The magick flowed during these times, the ichor running through her and smoke streaming from her altered eye. She was able to conjure more than ever before, her transformations more detailed, though now she could not hide her eye. The green glow remained no matter what she did, it would prove harder to disguise herself it seemed.

She now sat in the main temple, calling the nexus to her, as though she were immersed in the power itself, like a river of magick that flowed through the planet. She was one with the nexus. One with the Force. Her hands outstretched as she focused on bringing the power in, connecting with it. Feeling it. The flames in the lanterns and braziers flared wildly, the orange of the regular flame becoming green and vibrant. The wind picked up and swirled around Zaiya's robe and hair as her hands rose to press together above her head. She chanted the ancient language, summoning the power of the nexus into her body.

"Come child, you must reach into yourself. You said your voice has become powerful, show me more of your power, do not fear it!" Talzin hissed, looming over Zaiya's shoulder. The Nightsister was a swirl of emotions, exhausted and weakened, this amount of power flooding her body was excessive and it felt like she was holding onto a live wire. There was only so much she could do. She knew this power could destroy her, could rip her apart… and yet, she finally understood why her Prince had stayed. To gain necessary power. He wished to become more powerful than his master, she wished to protect the ones she cared for. By destroying her enemies if she must.

It was with this thought that the power tipped the scale, it became too much. There was a spark, and a white hot energy bolted through her. Her scream of rage and exertion echoed off the walls of the temple as green lightning shot out from her hands. She brought them down in front of her, her body now floating off the ground. A whirlwind engulfed her form, smoke, fire and lightning crackled around her, feeding off her rage, her desire to destroy. It coursed through her very being, her blood felt like it was fire under her skin. She screamed again, a storm filling the temple.

But such unrestrained power could not last… it wore through her quickly, draining her, sapping her of her consciousness, and with a sudden flourish- she dropped in a heap on the stone floor.


Darkness.

A familiar feeling, a strange deja vu… a lingering sensation that she had felt before. A smoke swirled in her vision, a mix of red and black and green. It was as though she were floating in a vast ocean. Yes. This was very familiar. It was just like the time she had taken her test of the Crimson as a child. Though now she could see more, feel more, her nexus eye flared to see the patterns of power in the very air. There was a glow, a deep red in the distance, she did not have to search aimlessly, instead she shifted her body and reached for it. Her body moved forward, pushed by a power unseen, but felt. The glow grew larger, brighter, as though she moved down a tunnel towards the exit.

She heard sounds, the silence that filled her ears falling away and a strange scuttling was heard. A crackle of flame… and breathing. Someone was there. They were… talking? No, crying. Sobs echoed through her ears and she found herself reaching for the source. It was somewhere, but not somewhere she could grasp.

Where are you? she called. Though she did not speak aloud, her voice seemed to echo as well. The sound stopped with a sharp gasp.

Not again. A voice croaked in response. Do not torment me like this!

What torments you? She asked the consuming blackness.

The chains of the past are always pulling, tugging, tearing at my mind… but the chains are the easy part… it was a rambling speech in harsh whispers and pained inflection. But she knew this voice.

What has happened to you?

Happened? There was a pause. The Jedi happened. They did this to me! Kenobi did this to me! The voice drew closer, each word spat like venom from his lips. She looked down.

Did your… master not come for you? The word 'master' left a vile taste on her tongue in this context.

Master? No… no there is nothing there. Nothing in the dark. In the cold. In the void… Each word just upset her more. This was not how it should be!

Where are you? I will find you sooner if you tell me where you are!

Far above, far below, we don't know where we'll fall… he chanted. Far above, far below - what once was great is rendered small.

I remember. She moved forward in the dark. And I remember my promise. I survived. I gave them nothing and now I will do as I swore to you. I will come to you-

STOP! The voice was angry now. Enough of this! You are not real! You are a vision and a lie! It was the most coherent he had sounded, but she needed to press on.

I may be a vision to you, but I am still real, my liege. I will always-

ENOUGH! A swirl of smoke and there he was, red and black right before her, leaning in close with blazing eyes. He looked haggard, his horns grown too long, gaunt cheeks as hers had been. She was shocked into silence. You are not her. He hissed menacingly.

I am, sire. Zaiya replied, hearts broken to see him like this, unable to stop her hands from finding his face, a delicately soft touch that ghosted his skin. The rage dropped at once, his glowing eyes widening in shock.

It cannot be you. Your… your eyes… he looked over her face, his hand rose, but stopped before laying it over her own. He was trembling.

It is me. She assured, It took longer than I would have liked… but I found my way home.


Notes:

Panic attacks bad. Brotherly bonding good. Green force lightning bad. See Maul good! What a wild chapter... but more tomorrow!