Heart of a Pirate
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Kingdom Hearts. They belong to Eiichiro Oda and Square Enix respectively.
Chapter 9: Usopp in Wonderland (Part 1)
Title Page: Zoro stands next to a set of weights, doing bicep curls with a bench-pressing barbell and several large weights on each end. Meanwhile, Pegasus stands halfway out of the stable door staring at him, a dotted arrow pointing from his eyes to Zoro's hair and a thought bubble with an image of a clump of grass appearing over his head.
Subtitle: Might as well get some training in…
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Court of the Queen of Hearts—o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I'm telling you, I'm not the defendant!" cried Usopp. "I'm not even a girl!"
"Yes you are!" shouted the Queen. "The culprit is a blonde girl in a blue and white dress! That means YOU!"
"But I've been set up! Framed!" protested Usopp. "I'll prove I'm not her! Watch!" The long-nose reached for his head… before a pair of lances flew in from each side and pointed at his throat.
"No undressing in the court!" barked the card guards, a 3 and a 5 of Hearts respectively.
Usopp whimpered as he lowered his hands, before going back to protesting. "But you've got the wrong person! You can't make the wrong person the right one just by saying so!"
"SILENCE!" the Queen shouted at the top of her lungs, blowing Usopp's hair back in the process. "You dare defy me?!"
Sora stood in shock and utter bafflement at the situation in front of him. Not only did Usopp happen to be here on this strange new world, not only was he being put on trial, but he had also been dressed up like a girl! Complete with a long blond wig! And on top of that, he was being judged by the loudest, brattiest, most temperamental person he could imagine! He and everyone else had clearly missed something big!
"Do ya know that guy?" asked Goofy, breaking Sora out of his trance.
"Yeah, I do," replied Sora. "His name's Usopp. He's one of Luffy's crewmates."
"Does he… always dress like that?" asked Donald with an eyebrow raised.
"What? No!" said Sora. "I mean, not that I know of…"
Luffy, however, had a different reaction.
"IT'S USOPP'S TWIN SISTER! WE GOTTA SAVE HER!" he shouted, eyes as big as dinner plates. His shout drew the attention of everyone in the courtroom, all eyes on him as he dashed up beside the defendants' podium.
"NononononononoNO! That IDIOT! We're not supposed to do this!" Donald whisper-shouted angrily. However, no one paid attention as both Sora and Usopp gaped at Luffy's statement, their eyes going completely white.
"Luffy… I don't have a sister! It's me, Usopp!" cried the sniper.
Silence reigned for a few seconds. The sniper's eyes traveled over to and across the Keyblade crew, then back to Luffy. He stared blankly for a moment before his brain finally caught up, causing him to do a double-take.
"Wait… LUFFY?! SORA?!"
"That's us!" said Sora cheerfully, recovering from the shock of Luffy's statement as he and the rest of the group came up behind Luffy. Donald was reluctant, but caved when he realized they had already been outed. Might as well go all the way.
"OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE!" he bawled. "YOU GOTTA HELP ME! PLEASE! I'M IN MAJOR TROUBLE!"
"SIIIIIILEEEEENCE!" the Queen bellowed once again, even louder this time. Her face went an inhuman shade of red, her hair grew disheveled, and all present could swear they felt the ground shake slightly. "WHO DARES INTERFERE WITH MY COURT?!"
All three of Sora, Donald, and Goofy ducked under their arms in fright from the force of the shout while Usopp ducked and hid under the podium with his arms over his head, trembling. Luffy, however, kept a defiant expression.
"That'd be us!" the Straw Hat captain declared, thumping his chest. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, future King of the Pirates! And whatever you're accusing Usopp's sister of doing, she didn't do it!"
"I JUST TOLD YOU! I DON'T HAVE A SISTER!" yelled Usopp.
"I don't care who you are!" shouted the Queen. "You and your little crew have no place in my courtroom! Now leave! All of you! Before I have you all beheaded!"
Sora, Donald, and Goofy froze, all of them paling slightly. "D-d-did she s-say… 'beheaded'?" stammered Goofy.
"S-sure sounded like it," replied Sora, gulping.
"Well, you heard her, guys!" said Donald, sounding rather cheery all of a sudden as he turned around. "We're not needed here! Now let's – "
However, Luffy refused to budge.
"No way am I leaving!" he shouted back to the Queen, cutting off Donald mid-sentence. He then pointed at her. "I don't care who YOU are either! I'm not afraid of some fat old hag like you!"
Everyone in earshot gasped dramatically. You could hear a pin drop in the courtroom after that declaration. The white rabbit looked ready to faint. Luffy… the complete idiot…had just insulted the Queen of Hearts. To her face. No one insulted the Queen like that! NO ONE!
"We are so dead…" moaned Sora in a slumped-over position, everyone else nodding in agreement from the same position as comical tears streamed from all of their eyes.
"How… DARE YOU!" the Queen roared in utter fury, rising to her feet. "YOU AND YOUR GROUP SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE! OFF WITH THEIR HEA- !"
"O-O-OBJECTION!" yelled Usopp frantically, somehow managing a dramatic finger point in the process.
"Oh, what is it?!" snapped the Queen. "Make it quick!"
"Um… uh…" the sharpshooter stammered, his knees shaking as he racked his brain for something, ANYTHING, to get them all out of this mess. Or at least buy some time.
"Well?! Out with it!" the Queen demanded.
"D-d-d-don't I g-get… a l-lawyer?" he managed to force out.
The Queen was silent at that. She stared at the sharpshooter, still scowling, but also looking thoughtful. Usopp, Sora, Donald, and Goofy all gritted their teeth and tensed up, waiting what felt like an eternity for the Queen's decision.
"Very well!" she declared, sitting back down. "The court of the Queen of Hearts shall appoint a representative for the defendant!"
The Keyblade group heaved a collective sigh of relief. "Good save, Usopp!" whispered Sora.
Usopp rubbed a finger under his nose, looking proud of himself. "I have my moments," he whispered back with a grin.
"We're just lucky she's easily distracted," mumbled Donald, taking his hat off to wipe off the nervous sweat that had appeared on his brow. Goofy did the same. "What now?"
"Well," Usopp began, though he just barely understood Donald through his thick, quacky voice. "If we can get whoever the lawyer is to prove that I'm not who I was dressed up to look like, we'll be home free!"
"Yeah, about that…" said Sora with a raised eyebrow. "What is with that getup?"
Usopp opened his mouth to answer, but promptly snapped it shut and stood at attention as the Queen began to speak again.
"And that representative shall be…" the Queen continued. She then pointed. "YOU!"
All present followed the Queen's finger with their eyes… right towards Donald.
"WHAT?!" yelped Donald.
"WHAT?!" exclaimed Sora and Goofy simultaneously.
"Huh?" said Luffy, tilting his head confusedly.
"Yes, you! You shall represent the defendant!" the Queen declared.
"But… but I can't!" protested Donald. "I don't even know this guy! Besides, I'm a magician, not an attorney!"
"You'll do as I say, or OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!" the Queen shouted.
In the blink of an eye, the duck zipped up onto the podium armrest next to Usopp. "Donald Duck, Attorney at Law! At your service!" he announced dutifully, complete with a salute.
Usopp and Sora both sweatdropped. "Well, THAT was a quick 180," muttered Usopp, Sora nodding in agreement. Goofy just chuckled.
Donald cleared his throat. "As representative of the defense, I declare that the defendant is innocent! And in fact, not even female!" he declared. "And I can prove it!"
"Denied!"
Everyone did a double-take. "Wait, what?! Why?!" cried Sora, Goofy and Luffy.
"Because I say so! That's why!" shot back the Queen.
"But… but… you just appointed me the lawyer! That's my job!" Donald protested.
The Queen sighed in frustration. "Fine. You have 15 seconds to make your case! Go!"
Donald jumped in surprise at the insanely short amount of time, but quickly regained composure. "I shall prove to the court that the person on the podium is a man in disguise!" declared Donald. "Starting with this obviously fake nose!"
And without even turning, he reached out, grabbed Usopp's nose, and pulled.
And pulled.
And pulled some more.
"Uh, what are you doing?" asked Usopp in a slightly nasal voice.
"Stubborn, eh?" said Donald with the air of someone being offered a challenge. "Fine then!" And before Usopp could react, the duck grabbed his nose in both hands, placed his feet on his shoulders and yanked with all of his might!
"AAAAAAHHHHHH! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!" screamed Usopp, comical tears flying from his eyes as he rapidly flapped his arms in a desperate attempt to make the duck cease his attempt to remove his nose from his face.
"Uh, Donald?" piped up Sora.
"What?! I'm busy here!" Donald snapped, ignoring Usopp's protests.
"…that's a REAL nose you're pulling there," the spiky-haired boy finished.
"Just like her brother!" Luffy chimed in.
"I KEEP TELLING YOU! I DON'T HAVE A SISTER!" yelled Usopp.
"Huh?" Donald then looked down and saw that the nose was in fact attached to the sniper's face.
"WAAAAHHH!" the duck screamed, falling back on the podium armrest as he let go. "I am SO sorry! I didn't know! I swear!"
"My nose… my beautiful nose…" whimpered Usopp, cradling his now red and swollen nose with his hands.
"ENOUGH!" the Queen shouted, drawing everyone's attention. "Your time is up! The defense has failed in their case!"
"Uh oh…" said Donald, a look of dread on his face.
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Lotus Forest—o0o0o0o0o0o0
A small figure went dashing through the bushes, moving frantically as if being chased. Soon after, a large number of card soldiers bearing the Club suit ran through the exact spot the figure had just been, spread out in a line to cover as much ground as possible as they advanced.
"Keep looking, men! We know she went through here!" called out one of the cards, presumably the leader of the group.
"Yes, sir!" the rest of the cards replied in unison. The figure shivered fearfully and continued running, doing everything possible to stay quiet as it fled its pursuers.
"I hope Mister Usopp is alright…" the figure said softly as it ran.
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Courtroom—o0o0o0o0o0o0
The Queen pointed authoritatively at Usopp. "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
"NOOOOOO! I don't wanna die!" Usopp wailed as the card guards began moving towards him.
That's when Goofy stepped in.
"WAIT! We still have another lawyer!" the Knight Captain called out.
"We… we do?" asked Usopp.
Goofy then stepped behind Sora and pushed him forward. "The second lawyer shall now take over the case!"
"WHAT?!" Sora yelped. Since when was HE supposed to be a lawyer?!
"I did not approve of a second lawyer!" huffed the Queen.
"Yes you did! It's in the rule book you wrote!" Goofy replied.
Usopp, Sora, and Donald whirled around and gaped at Goofy. What the heck was he saying?!
"Goofy! What. Are. You. DOING?!" Donald whisper-shouted. Goofy just winked at him.
It was the white rabbit who spoke next. "The Queen of Hearts did not write a rule book for the court!"
"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!" the Queen shouted at the rabbit, the force of her voice blowing his ears and jacket back.
"N-n-n-no, Your Majesty! I s-swear! I d-d-deeply apologize!" he stammered, cowering under the Queen's glare.
"Very good," she said with an approving smile before turning back to the defense podium. "Now then, dears, as you were saying?" she said in an uncharacteristically sweet voice.
Sora, Donald, and Usopp looked on with bewildered expressions. "Did… did that just happen?" asked Usopp.
"What do you know… he actually pulled it off…" murmured Donald distantly.
"Yeah…" agreed Sora, equally distantly as he tried to comprehend the current circumstances. Goofy had just completely turned the situation around by using the Queen's temper and fickleness to their advantage. Not only that, but the Queen was suddenly acting sweet and friendly, the complete opposite to her mood this entire time! It was completely bizarre!
"Well?! What are you waiting for?!" the Queen demanded, her smile gone. "Are you going to speak for the defendant or not?!"
Aaaaand there it went.
"Um… right! So…" Sora hemmed and hawed for a moment, trying to gain some semblance of composure. He then swallowed and steeled himself. What the heck; how hard could it be? he thought to himself before speaking out loud. "As the second lawyer, I shall prove the defendant innocent of the charges of…
"Of…"
He trailed off.
"Um… what are the charges, exactly?" the Keyblade wielder asked, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Lotus Forest—o0o0o0o0o0o0
The figure continued fleeing through the forest, twisting around foliage and jumping over logs. The line of card soldiers continued to advance, getting closer and closer.
"AWK!"
The figure stopped suddenly, hearing a squawk at her feet. "Oh! Excuse me!" the figure said in surprise, for she had just accidentally stepped on what looked like a purple bike horn with duck feet and a pair of eyes.
In response, the horn began walking over to a nearby pond, a group of smaller horns following behind like ducklings with their mother. With a series of honks and squawks, the larger horn began herding its young into the water. Once they were all in, the horn gave the figure a glare and an angry honk before hopping into the water and swimming away.
"Oh dear… I hope I didn't hurt it…" said the figure with concern.
"There she is!"
The figure whirled around and spotted a card soldier a few feet away from her. Within moments, the figure found herself surrounded by several other card soldiers, their lances at the ready.
"There's nowhere to run now, young lady! You're coming with us!" said the card that found her.
"But… but why?" asked the figure, worry etched onto her face.
"The Queen has ordered your presence! That's all you need to know!"
The figure looked left and right, trying to find an escape route, but found none. "Well, I suppose I don't have a choice…" she said in defeat. With that, she and the squad of soldiers walked off, eight of them surrounding her in a square formation to prevent anymore escape attempts.
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Courtroom—o0o0o0o0o0o0
"You don't know the charges?!" yelled the Queen.
"W-well, everything happened so fast… we were pretty much flying by the seats of our pants…" the spiky-haired boy replied nervously.
"You can thank King Moron over here for that," muttered Donald angrily, jerking a thumb towards Luffy.
"Hey! That's not nice!" said Luffy indignantly. "You don't know the king of this place! You can't say he's a moron!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I - ! Oh, forget it."
"You know what? The charges don't matter! I'm ending this right now!" With that, Sora bit the bullet, marched over to Usopp and yanked the wig off of the sharpshooter's head, revealing his normal curly black hair covered by the striped bandanna and goggles underneath. The two card guards at the podium flinched, while Luffy did a double-take at the sight.
"Wha?! Usopp?!" sputtered the bewildered pirate captain. "How'd you get here?! Where'd your sister go?!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME! I DON'T HAVE A SISTER!" screamed the long-nose. He then angrily grabbed the hem of the dress he wore, yanked it over his head and threw it to the ground, revealing his brown overalls.
"WHAAAA?! SO YOU WERE IN DISGUISE THE WHOLE TIME!" exclaimed Luffy, his eyes bugging out and his jaw dropping.
Usopp raised a fist and opened his mouth to yell once again, then stopped as he thought better of it. He took a deep breath, then let it out. "Yes, Luffy, I was," the sniper said in a calm, controlled voice.
"There you have it, Your Majesty!" said Sora proudly, gesturing to Usopp. "The person on the stand was not, in fact, the defendant at all!"
"Hmm, so he wasn't," said the Queen, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Her angry expression then came back full force as she glared at the two card guards at the podium. "GUARDS! You brought me the wrong person! How do you explain this?!"
Said guards began sweating profusely. "W-well, Y-your Majesty… y-you see… the th-thing about th-that is…"
"My Queen! We have a report!" an authoritative voice suddenly sounded from the side, accompanied by the sounds of marching.
Everyone turned around to see a group of eight card guards marching into the courtroom in a square formation. It looked like they were escorting someone in the center of the square. The guards turned to face the Queen.
"The culprit has been found!" the center guard at the front of the formation announced, upon which he stood to the side to reveal a young girl… dressed exactly the same way as Usopp had been moments ago, down to the long blond hair.
"Oh no! They found her!" Usopp whispered frantically, clutching his head.
"Huh?" asked Sora, now utterly confused. "Who is that, Usopp? And how do you know her?"
"Mister Usopp?" said the girl, looking surprised. "What are you doing here?"
Usopp drew in a breath to answer, but was cut off by one of the guards at the podium.
"My Queen! It seems that the true culprit attempted to frame this poor man at the podium by dressing him up like her!" announced said guard, pointing at Alice.
"I beg your pardon?!" exclaimed the girl, putting a disbelieving hand to her mouth.
"OI! THAT WAS – !" Usopp's angry shout was cut off when the two guards raised their lances to his throat once again.
"No speaking out of turn!" they barked simultaneously. Usopp whimpered as he lowered his fist and backed off.
Sora raised an eyebrow at the guards' behavior; those two seemed a little too quick on the draw there. They had done the same thing earlier when Usopp tried to take the wig off, and just as quickly. Not to mention their nervous reaction when the Queen demanded answers from them. Did they have something to do with Usopp's 'disguise'?
"It would seem so!" the Queen declared. "Very well! Bring the true defendant forward!"
"Ohhhh, this isn't good…" moaned Usopp.
"Again, what are you talking about?" asked Donald impatiently.
Before the sniper could answer, the guards brought the girl forward, forcing her to ascend the steps to the defendants' podium. Usopp was immediately shoved out of the way and off the podium by her escorts, joining the rest of the group, who were then shunted off to the side by the guards.
"The court shall now begin the true trial!" announced the white rabbit.
The girl gasped. "I'm on trial? But why?" she asked fearfully. The Queen looked intently at the girl before speaking.
"This girl is the culprit! There's no doubt about it this time!" she announced haughtily. "And the reason is… because I say so! That's why!"
"Not this again…" groaned Sora.
"That is so unfair!" the girl cried.
"Well, have you anything to say in your defense?" the Queen demanded.
"Of course! I've done absolutely nothing wrong!" the girl protested, putting on a defiant posture. "You may be Queen, but I'm afraid that doesn't give you the right to be so… so mean!"
"Not good, not good…!" said Usopp in a frantic whisper, clutching his head with both hands.
"SILENCE! You dare defy me?!" shouted the Queen, pounding the bench.
"Guys, we gotta help her!" Usopp whispered to Sora, Donald, and Goofy.
"Yeah, shouldn't we help her too?" said Sora. "I mean, we did just help Usopp…" Though how much of what just transpired could actually be considered 'helping' was up for discussion.
Donald shook his head sadly. "I wish we could, but…"
"We're outsiders, so wouldn't that be muddling?" Goofy cut in.
"Meddling!" Donald corrected.
"Oh yeah," said Goofy. "And that's against the rules!"
"But what about what just happened with Usopp?" asked Sora.
"That's different! We were dragged into that one!" replied Donald, glaring pointedly at Luffy as he spoke, who simply looked back with an oblivious expression. "Since there's no reason for us to get involved this time, we need to stay out of it! We've done enough as it is!"
Usopp opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced once again when the Queen of Hearts began speaking again.
"The court finds the defendant… guilty as charged!" yelled the Queen, pointing her scepter aggressively at the young blonde, who shrank back in response.
"For the crimes of assault and attempted theft of my heart…"
Sora perked up at that, the pieces instantly falling into place in his head. That was the charge being leveled against Usopp earlier? So neither of them were guilty! There was only one possible culprit for such a charge…!
"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" declared the Queen, pointing at the girl.
"No! No! Oh, please!" she cried as the card guards advanced towards her. However, they didn't get far as Sora came charging through them.
"Sora, no!" cried Donald, reaching out a hand. But Sora ignored him as he stopped in front of the defendants' podium and pointed dramatically at the Queen. "HOLD IT!" he shouted.
"You again?!" snapped the Queen. "Why do you persist in interfering with my court?!"
"Because I'm one of the lawyers you appointed!" Sora spoke defiantly. "And I now know who the REAL culprit is!"
"Yeah!" added Goofy. "It's the Heartle– ulp!" The Knight Captain quickly covered his hands with his mouth before he let too much slip.
"A-anyway," continued Sora, hoping to distract everyone before they noticed Goofy's slip-up. "She's not the one you're looking for!"
"That's nonsense!" the Queen said, impatiently tapping her scepter on the bench. "Have you any proof?"
Sora recoiled, caught completely off guard. He hadn't thought that far ahead. "I… uh…" he stammered
Seeing his hesitation, the Queen lost patience. "Enough! You've caused enough trouble for my court already! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"
"WHAT?!" shouted everyone as the card guards began to close in on Sora. Sora frantically looked every which way, trying to find an opening he could escape through, but none presented itself. He began stretching out his hand to summon the Keyblade, but stopped at the sound of Goofy's voice
"WAIT!" the Knight Captain called out, all eyes falling on him once again. "Yer rule book also says that lawyers are allowed to gather up evidence for the defense before the sentence is handed down!"
Everyone held their breath. Goofy had already pulled this stunt once before; would it work a second time?
"But the Queen…" began the white rabbit.
"SILENCE!" shouted the Queen, cutting him off. "You shall not attempt to speak for me again! IS THAT CLEAR?!"
"Y-y-yes, y-your Majesty!" stammered the rabbit, quailing at the angry look in her eyes.
"Good," she said before turning back to Sora and the group. "Very well, I shall humour your claim! You shall go and gather evidence for the defendant!" she announced, causing them to heave a collective sigh of relief.
"HOWEVER!" she continued, causing their heads to snap up. "The defendant shall remain here in the courtroom while you do so! GUARDS!"
With that, a pair of guards marched over, grabbed the girl, and shoved her into a large golden cage nearby, locking her inside. Said cage was then lifted high into the air on a cranking mechanism attached to the judge bench, operated by one of the guards.
"And if you fail in your case this time, it's off with ALL of your heads! Am I clear?!"
"Yes, your Majesty! At once!" said Sora, saluting the Queen as he did so.
"Then court is adjourned!"
While that was going on, Usopp made his way over to a spot just under the cage with the girl inside.
"Don't worry, Alice!" the sniper called up to her. "We'll get you out of this! I promise!"
"Are you sure you can do it, Mister Usopp?" the now-named Alice asked, a fearful, worried expression on her face.
"Hey, who do you think you're talking to?" said the long-nose, bravado entering his voice. "I'm the Great Captain Usopp, slayer of giants and sea-kings! A dilemma such as this is child's play!"
"Yeah! Don't worry, miss! We've got this!" Sora called up to her.
"If you say so…" replied Alice, still anxious.
"What are you all doing standing about?!" demanded the Queen. "Visitation hours are over! Either retrieve your evidence right now, or lose your heads! GO!"
The group immediately bolted from the courtroom, Usopp grabbing Luffy's arm along the way and dragging him with them (and retrieving his bag from near the podium as well). The five of them quickly disappeared into the hedge maze.
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Wonderland, Lotus Forest—o0o0o0o0o0o0
"What the heck? How did we get here?"
Sora wondered out loud as the group found themselves inside a strange forest full of multicolored trees and plants, as well as pink pathways that branched every which way. They had expected to wind up back in the hedge maze, but for whatever reason, the gateway they had run through led them to this place.
"Oh no! I just got out of this forest! I don't wanna have to go back in!" cried Usopp, comical tears running down his cheeks. "My dies-if-I-enter-the-crazy-forest-again disease is acting up…"
"COOL! I've never seen blue trees before!" exclaimed Luffy, running around every which way and admiring the scenery up close.
"Say, uh, sorry fer puttin' ya on the spot like that so suddenly back there, Sora," apologized Goofy, looking genuinely remorseful. "I mean, I woulda been the lawyer myself, but, well, ya know Usopp better than me or Donald, so…"
"Don't worry about it," said Sora, waving off the apology. "You were just trying to help out. And it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
"Which reminds me… WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IMBECILE?!" Donald screamed at Luffy. He had been keeping a tight grip on his true anger at the situation for the entirety of the trial out of necessity, but now that they were somewhere else, it finally hit full force as he ran over, jumped up on the pirate captain's shoulders and began beating him over the head with his staff.
"Ah! Ah! Hey! Stop that! That's really annoying!" Luffy cried, running around all over the place as he struggled to get the irate duck off of him.
"I! TOLD! YOU! NOT! TO! STEP! OUT! OF! LINE! AND! WHAT! DID! YOU! DO?! YOU! WENT! AND! ALMOST! GOT! US! ALL! KILLED!" Donald raged, punctuating each word with a whack to the Straw Hat captain's head. "I'VE GOT HALF A MIND TO FREEZE YOU IN ICE AND BEAM YOU BACK UP TO THE SHIP RIGHT NOW!"
The Court Magician paused. "Come to think of it, why didn't I just do that in the first place?!" He raised his staff, the tip glowing a pale blue. "BLIZZ-!"
"Donald, no!"
Goofy ran in and plucked Donald off of Luffy's shoulders before he could finish the spell, putting him in an armlock.
"Let go! Put me down! I'm making sure this dunce doesn't cause us anymore problems!" Donald yelled, wriggling around in an effort to break free of the Knight Captain's grip.
"He was just tryin' to help out his friend! You can't blame him for that!" cried Goofy.
"WE ALMOST LOST OUR HEADS!"
"His friend woulda lost his head too if he didn't do anything!"
As the argument continued back and forth in much the same vein, Sora and Usopp stood off to the side watching, sweatdrops appearing on their heads, while Luffy simply pouted and rubbed his head. "So… yeah," began Sora in an exasperated tone before gesturing to the bickering duo. "Usopp… meet Donald and Goofy."
Usopp blinked. "Goofy? That's his real name?" he asked, a bit taken aback.
"That's the name he gave me, yeah," replied Sora. "Weird, I know."
"Huh," he said, looking thoughtful before turning back to the spiky-haired boy. "Are they always like this?"
"Well, Donald is. At least where Luffy is concerned," replied Sora.
"Can't say I blame him too much," sighed Usopp. "Of course, if Nami were here, we'd be getting it in stereo."
He then jolted his head up. "Oh wait, that's right! Where's everyone else?!" he asked frantically, grabbing Sora by the shoulders.
Sora shook his head. "I don't know," he said sadly. "Ever since the storm back home, it's just been me and Luffy. Sorry."
Usopp looked crestfallen. "Oh."
"Hey, don't worry, Usopp! We'll find 'em!" said Luffy jovially, clapping him on the shoulder.
"Are you sure?" asked Usopp, looking anxious.
"Of course! We've been split up lots of times in the past, and we've always found our way back to each other!" Luffy smiled. "That's why I came along with Sora!"
"That reminds me, I've been meaning to ask," said the sharpshooter. "Why and how are you guys here to begin with? And why are you with a talking duck and dog?"
Before either of them could answer, Donald and Goofy came walking over, Donald breathing heavily but otherwise looking sufficiently cooled off. "OK… we're done…" said the duck between breaths. Goofy had apparently won the argument by pointing out that Luffy would have suffocated if Donald had frozen him in a block of ice, provided he hadn't already broken free with his great strength; thus, Luffy would be allowed to continue journeying with them for the time being.
"But so help me, once we get back to Traverse Town, you are NOT setting foot back on our ship! You hear me?!" Donald gestured angrily at Luffy as he said this, who simply stared back without a care in the world.
"Say, fella, I don't think we've been introduced," Goofy said to Usopp, extending a hand. "Name's Goofy!"
"Nice to meet you," Usopp said politely, shaking his hand. "And don't worry, Sora already told me your names."
"As for me…" the long-nose began, clearing his throat. He then struck a declaratory pose. "Just call me… CAPTAAAAAIIIIN USOPP! The deadliest warrior on the seas! I've felled giants, sea kings, and entire pirate crews! And that was just before breakfast!"
A dead silence followed these words. Both Sora and Donald looked unimpressed, while Goofy looked intrigued.
"And yet you got captured by playing cards," Donald deadpanned.
"HEY! I'll have you know this is a very illogical place!" Usopp yelled back irritably, wagging his finger at Donald.
"Well, can't argue with you there," Sora sighed.
"Gawrsh, yer a captain?" asked Goofy.
Usopp opened his mouth to reply, but Luffy zipped in front of him, cutting him off. "Nope! That's me!" he grinned, pounding his chest.
"Why does everyone keep interrupting me today?" groaned Usopp, slumping over in depression.
"Oh, geez," said Donald, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't even want to THINK about this peabrain being captain of ANYTHING!"
Sora cleared his throat. "Well, now that everyone's introduced…"
"Don't forget me!" said a gentlemanly voice from Goofy's general direction.
"Goofy? I thought you already introduced yourself…" said Usopp.
"Not him! Me! Up here!"
Usopp's eyes trailed upwards to see a tiny bug with a suit and top hat on top of Goofy's hat. "Cricket's the name! Jiminy Cricket, at your service!" said the record-keeper, tipping his hat.
"Cool, right?!" exclaimed Luffy, pointing at the cricket.
Usopp stared blankly for a moment, then pinched his eyes shut as he smacked his forehead. "First a talking duck and a two-legged talking dog, and now a talking cricket. This place just loves to find new ways to mess with my head," the sniper grumbled.
"Er, we're not actually from this world," Goofy pointed out.
"GOOFY!" yelled Donald.
"What? He's not from this world either! It should be okay!" said the Knight Captain.
"In any case, Usopp," spoke up Sora before the sniper could ask what they meant. "What was the deal with you and… what was her name again?"
"Alice," Usopp supplied.
"Alice, right," Sora nodded. "How did you two know each other? For that matter, why were you dressed up like her?"
"It's… a long story," replied Usopp hesitantly.
"We've got time!" said Goofy cheerfully.
"Yeah! Come on, Usopp! Tell us! Tell us!" exclaimed Luffy, grabbing him in a headlock and giving him a noogie.
"Ow! Ow! Alright, alright!" yelled Usopp as he attempted to pry himself out of Luffy's grip. "I'll tell you! I'll tell you! Just let go of me!"
Luffy did so. Usopp coughed a bit as he massaged his head and neck, then cleared his throat and took a deep breath.
"Well, it all started when I woke up in this forest…"
0o0o0o0o0o0o—Another world, several hours earlier—o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Hey, you! Wake up!"
"Ngh…" Nami groaned as she came to, her eyes slowly opening halfway. Her head was still foggy, but was brought back into focus by a kick to her shoulder.
"Get up, you! You're in the presence of the Royal Guard!"
"Okay, okay! Geez, no need to be so rough," she grumbled, getting to her feet. Dusting herself off, she turned to the source of the voice.
She found herself looking at a rough-looking, heavily muscled man. He wore an off-white, turban-like hat with a red jewel on the front and a ribbon of gold curving down from it to the forehead, a black vest with a gold sash going diagonally across the chest from the shoulder to the waist, baggy pants that were the same color as the hat, gold-colored shoes, and a dark red belt that held a scimitar at the man's hip. A number of similarly dressed and armed men stood behind him. The man at the front, evidently the one in charge, had his teeth bared in a snarl.
"What do you think you're doing here, sleeping on someone else's property?!" the man growled.
"Aw, is that any way to treat a girl?" Nami said with an exaggerated pout.
"Don't get bratty with me, missy! You're under arrest for trespassing and loitering!" said the head guard.
Nami was confused. "Trespassing? Loitering? What are you talking about? I just woke up here! I have no idea how I even got here!" she protested.
"A likely story! You can't fool me, little girl! You're coming with us! Don't even think about trying to escape!" the guard snarled.
Nami mentally shook her head. This situation was getting out of hand; she had no idea what was going on, and this guy in front of her wouldn't listen to a word she said. She'd have to find a way to get away from him and his lackeys; she sure as hell wasn't going to prison if she could help it!
Fortunately, though, she knew his type. He was just another guy who thought a lot of bluster, shouting, and posturing made up for real dominance. It wouldn't be the first time she'd encountered these kinds of people over the years. She knew exactly how to deal with him.
With that, she slid into 'sexy mode', putting on a flirtatious smile.
"Isn't there some way I can… change your mind?" said Nami in a sultry voice as she began slowly slinking over to the head guard, jutting her hips out with every step and giving a half-lidded 'come hither' stare. The head guard was taken aback, his face going red at the display.
"I'm sure…" continued Nami, adding some extra husk to her voice as she got right into the guard's personal space.
"…that such a strapping, burly man like you…" She placed a hand on his shoulder and pressed herself up against him, tracing a circle on his chest with her finger. The guard's face was blazing crimson by this point.
"…could find it in his heart to overlook my little… slip-up?" She began moving her face ever so slowly towards his, staring hungrily at him while licking her lips; you could almost see the steam coming from the top of his head. "I can make it VERY much worth your while…" She then moved her head past his face to whisper in his ear. "With my B-O-D-Y."
"E-e-e-enough!" the head guard shouted as he pushed Nami away, his face still lit up like a torch. "You can't trick me like that! The law is the law, and I'm taking you in!"
"Aw, you're no fun," pouted Nami, pooching out her lip as she looked at him like a kicked puppy. In her head, though, she was already coming up with a Plan B.
"It's not my job to be fun, missy!" the guard shot back.
"But gee, it sure is hot out here…" said the navigator, tugging at the collar of her t-shirt with her finger. She then reached down, crossed her arms and grabbed the hem of her shirt with both hands.
"H-hey, what are you doing?!" the head guard sputtered.
"I just can't stand this heat…" Nami said in a sultry voice as she began lifting her shirt. "These clothes are just too stuffy…"
"Hey! Stop that! Unless you want to add indecent exposure to your list of crimes!" the head guard shouted, the rest of the guards just staring on with major blushes on their faces. Nami ignored them.
Her shirt hem was just above her navel before she stopped suddenly, her eyes going wide as dinner plates and her pupils shrinking to pinpricks.
"AAAAAHHHH! WHAT IS THAT?!" she screamed, pointing behind the guards.
"What?! What is it?!" they all shouted at once as they quickly turned to look in the direction she was pointing… only to find nothing there. When they turned back around, the spot Nami occupied was empty.
"Where'd she go?!" one of the guards exclaimed as each of them scanned the area. After a brief moment of looking around, they finally spotted her in the distance, running at full tilt across the rooftops.
"AFTER HER!" the head guard shouted as he pulled out his sword.
"YES, CAPTAIN!" the rest of the guards yelled, pulling their own swords out.
Too easy! thought Nami with a grin as she sprinted across the rooftops. She then looked back. Or… maybe not. Her grin lessened slightly as she saw the entire group of guards running towards her from far away.
The chase was on.
Nami led the guards on a merry chase all throughout the town. She leaped across rooftops, swung across clotheslines, ran through crowds on ground level, scrambled up scaffolding, tipped over jars, tables, and wood piles, and whatever else she could think to do. She did everything possible to evade her pursuers, but they just kept coming. In fact, the longer it went on, the more guards who happened to be on patrol wherever she passed through ended up joining in on the chase, creating a larger and larger group. But still she ran.
Before long, Nami found herself cornered by a veritable crowd of guards.
Damn… these guys are better than I thought… thought the navigator as she struggled to catch her breath. Time to switch tactics…
"You've got nowhere to run now, young lady," said the head guard, grinning arrogantly. "Just give up and come quietly; there's a whole squad of us and only one of you, and we're all faster and smarter than you!"
"Says the guy who fell for the "Look behind you!" trick," Nami taunted. She may have been out of breath, but that didn't mean she couldn't get in a good jab when the opportunity arose.
"Oh, you think you're being cute?" the head guard growled.
Nami smirked. "Buddy… I'm adorable."
With that, she zipped straight past him into the crowd of guards, surprising them completely with her speed. Faster than any of them could react, she darted every which way between them before popping out the other end and sprinting away.
"AFTER HER!" the head guard shouted, raising his sword. He and the rest quickly moved to pursue the navigator… only to fall flat on their faces and on top of each other, resulting in a comical-looking pileup. Looking down, they noticed their pants had fallen around their ankles.
"That little sneak! She took our belts!" the head guard snarled. "Now she's getting away!"
"Sir!" one of the other guards called out. "She took our wallets, too!"
"WHAT?!" The head guard frantically patted his pockets and found his own wallet missing as well. "THAT TEARS IT! When I catch up to her, prison's gonna be the LEAST of her worries!"
"Um, captain?" piped up one of the guards.
"WHAT?!" he roared.
"What is that?" The guard pointed upward.
The head guard looked up… and saw a small black cloud forming a few feet over his head, small arcs of electricity passing over its surface. Before anyone could even take a breath to question what was happening, a transparent yellow ball of sparks slowly floated in from the side and made contact with it. The cloud absorbed it like a sponge absorbing water.
KAPOW!
A thunderclap resounded as a bolt of lightning came flying down, striking the head guard. He yelled out in pain and surprise as his body rocked and spasmed from the electricity, his skeleton becoming visible on and off in a rapid cycle. The lightning soon stopped and the cloud dissipated, leaving the head guard smoldering with his eyes rolled back into his head…right before tipping forward and falling on his face.
"Captain! Are you alright?!" one of the guards asked frantically, he and a few others turning him over on his back.
"But mommy, I don't wanna go to school today…" the head guard moaned before passing out.
Nami rounded a corner on a rooftop before ducking into a small indentation in the wall, breathing heavily. She had been running at top speed for the past few minutes, and once she was sure she had lost the guards, she felt she could take a break (not that she had any doubt; that Thunderbolt Tempo she had pulled on the head guard was sure to keep them occupied). For now, she was in a decent hiding spot. Now that things had calmed down, she could finally begin taking stock of her surroundings.
She seemed to be in a desert town of sorts, not unlike some of the towns in Alabasta. The buildings were made of clay brick, with dirt pathways between them, and several of them had clotheslines stretched out between them. On the streets below, she could see market stalls packed together for several blocks.
However, what really caught Nami's eye was the positively gigantic palace in the distance; at least twice as big as the Alabasta Royal Palace, if she had to guess. Several white towers topped with enormous golden ovals with pointed tips made up the majority of the building; the rest of it was composed of white walls with red patterned accents and a gigantic blue door in the center with a large staircase leading up to it. The navigator was positively awestruck at the size and beauty of the thing.
What is this place? she thought to herself. Even though it was a desert city, there was no way this was Alabasta; the style of the architecture was too different, and the royal guards she had just evaded looked nothing like the Alabasta guards; they didn't even have spears, just swords. What was she doing here? How did she get here?
Nami stiffened as memories from before she woke up came rushing back. Their day on Destiny Islands… the big storm… the black, yellow-eyed creatures… getting dragged down into that vortex by those horrible tendrils… She shuddered violently at that last one.
It was then that the reality of her situation came crashing down on her.
She was all alone, whisked away to an unfamiliar place by a force she didn't understand, on the run from the local law enforcement, and separated from everyone closest to her with virtually nothing but her Clima-Tact and the clothes on her back. She had no way of knowing where she had ended up, and if those guards' reactions were any indication, she wasn't exactly welcome here either. And if she wasn't welcome, then it'd be difficult, if not impossible, to find help.
The situation looked hopeless.
Nami curled into a ball, hugging her legs close as intense loneliness began creeping in. Tears pooled at the edges of her eyes as she shook with fear and anxiety. "Luffy… everyone…!" she sobbed, pressing her face into her legs as she began to break down.
Unbidden, a memory from their time on Sky Island came to her.
Luffy tossed his hat toward Nami, expertly landing it on her head. "Quit screaming your head off," he said, his voice uncharacteristically serious.
"But… we're…" she stammered.
"You're a crewmate of the future Pirate King," Luffy continued, looking her in the eye. "Don't make that pathetic face."
Nami slapped herself across the face. That was right; she couldn't lose her nerve now. It wouldn't do her any good to just give up! She and the rest of the crew had gotten through worse, and she wasn't about to fall to pieces just because of one setback! She was in a hole; she'd just have to dig her way out!
And it wasn't as if Luffy wouldn't be looking for her either; it was just the way he was. He'd never let a crewmate get left behind! She just had to have faith in him!
The navigator wiped the tears from her eyes as she stood up, her face set with determination. She'd find them. She'd find her way back to the others no matter what! She just had to start looking!
But before she could even start, she needed an answer to one big question…
"Where am I?"
Author's Note: …And somewhere out there, in another universe, a certain blue-clad, spiky-haired lawyer sneezed twice.
To those who were looking forward to finding out how Usopp wound up on the stand dressed as Alice this chapter, I apologize. The fact is that as I was writing this chapter, I kept re-reading it in order to keep certain details consistent, and after a while, it started to feel like two separate chapters in one. I then realized that if I split it into two, the narrative flow would work better and the audience wouldn't be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff happening; plus, I'd be able to get another chapter out faster. Not to worry, though! The next chapter is already at least 3/4 done, so it should be out fairly quickly.
After chatting with FictionReader98, a lot of funny ideas were posited for the court scene, but unfortunately, I couldn't use them all. However, because of just how funny they were, I felt it would be a crime not to let you readers in on such hilarity. So after the teaser, feel free to have a look at them :)
And a big thank-you to FictionReader98 for providing the bulk of the ideas for expanding the court scene, as well as pre-reading the chapter!
That's about all I've got to say for now. Thanks for reading, and look forward to the next one!
Usopp has been saved, but now another by the name of Alice stands to lose her head for a crime perpetrated by the Heartless! How will the gang prove her innocence? What happened with her and Usopp before the group came to Wonderland? And what does the Cheshire Cat want? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of Heart of a Pirate!
Deleted Scenes
Scene 1: Nose Scene, Alternate Outcome
"WAAAAAHHH!" screamed Donald, falling back on the podium armrest and crabwalking away to put as much distance between himself and the long-nose. "What the heck?! I've never seen a nose that long! Just what in Yen Sid's name are you?!"
"Speak for yourself!" shouted Usopp angrily, cradling his now red and swollen nose with his hands. "You've got the biggest MOUTH I've ever seen! In more ways than one!"
"What's that supposed to mean?!" yelled Donald, forgetting his fear as he jumped up and got right up in Usopp's face. The two glared at each other so fiercely that the others could swear they saw sparks flying between their eyes.
Sora and Goofy looked on with deadpan expressions, while Luffy watched with great interest. "Great, now he's got TWO people to yell at," groused Sora. "Well, not like I needed my eardrums anyway." Goofy nodded in agreement.
"WOOHOO! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" called out Luffy, pumping a fist in the air.
"…REALLY not helping, Luffy," groaned Sora.
Scene 2: Sora's Description of Alice and Goofy's Spell
"There you have it, Your Majesty!" said Sora proudly, gesturing to Usopp. "The person on the stand was not, in fact, the defendant at all!"
"Well, if THEY are not the culprit, who is?!" the Queen demanded.
"Um…" Sora stood there sweating for a moment, caught off guard by the Queen's demand. Think, Sora, THINK! What can I say to convince the Queen not to punish Usopp?! He looked over at said long-nose, then the outfit he had been wearing until just now.
Suddenly, he was hit with a flash of inspiration.
"I'll tell you who it is!" said Sora confidently. "The real culprit is a younger girl… with long golden hair… made of SNAKES!" He gestured wildly. "And she has an innocent face, but don't be fooled! She'll use it to STEAL YOUR SOUL! And her voice will lull you to sleep… so she can steal your stuff! THAT is the true culprit!"
"Goodness gracious! She sounds simply horrifying!" gasped the Queen. "GUARDS! Find this menace immediately!" A large number of card guards saluted and ran off from the courtroom.
"Whew! That was close!" said Sora, wiping his brow. "Looks like we're home free, Usopp!"
Usopp, however, did not share his enthusiasm.
"NONONONONONONO!" the sniper screamed, grabbing Sora by the shoulders and shaking him. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"
"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Sora, genuinely confused.
"My Queen! The menace has been found!"
Everyone turned around to see a group of eight card guards marching into the courtroom in a square formation. It looked like they were escorting someone in the center of the square. The guards then turned to face the Queen, upon which the lead guard stood to the side to reveal a young girl… dressed exactly the same way as Usopp had been moments ago, down to the long blond hair. She also fit the description Sora had just given fairly well.
Sora paled as his eyes went wide. "…..oops."
"Oops?! OOPS?! THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY?!" screamed Usopp.
"Uh oh…" said Donald and Goofy simultaneously, a look of dread on both of their faces.
"Mister Usopp?" said the girl. "What are you doing here?"
"DON'T LISTEN TO HER VOICE!" Luffy yelled, pressing his hands over his ears.
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING, DIMWIT!" shouted Donald.
"Alice!" cried Usopp. "There's no time to explain! You're in really big trouble!"
"Trouble? What sort of trouble?" she asked.
"I'll tell you what kind of trouble!" the Queen said. She then launched into the description Sora had given her.
"Dear me! Who could have said all these horrid things about me?" said Alice, looking rather mortified.
Sora looked away to the side, his face red as he whistled innocently.
"In any case!" the Queen declared. "The true culprit has been found! OFF WITH HER HEA-!"
"HOLD IT!" Sora shouted.
"You again?!" snapped the Queen. "Why do you persist in interfering with my court?!"
"Um… I-I-I was just kidding with that description I gave! Really!" Sora got out in a shaky voice. "It was all a joke! I swear! Ha ha ha… ha…" he trailed off, realizing how foolish he sounded.
The Queen looked at Sora with an unreadable expression for a moment, then did something no one expected.
She began to laugh.
It started off as a few small chortles, then built to a chuckle, then a full-out belly laugh. Sora, rather nervously, began laughing himself, soon joined by Luffy and Goofy. Even Donald got in on it after a while. For the next minute, everyone in the courtroom was laughing.
"SILENCE!" the Queen shouted suddenly, bringing the laughter to a screeching halt. Her smile was gone, replaced by a glare. "You were just joking around, you say?!"
"Um… yes?" said Sora nervously.
"If what you say is true," continued the Queen. "Then where is your proof?!"
"Um… uh…" Sora stammered, completely at a loss for words.
"Oh geez, how's he going to get out of this one?!" worried Usopp.
"Don't worry, fellas! I've got an idea!" whispered Goofy cheerfully. "I'll use that spell!"
"'That' spell?" replied Donald, confused. His face then grew horrified. "Wait, you don't mean…!"
"Yup!" Goofy nodded.
"Um, what's he talking about?" asked Usopp.
"He's planning on using a spell to make the target follow any command!" said Donald frantically. "Except it hardly ever works!"
"…And what happens when it doesn't?" asked Usopp nervously.
"SUGGESTION!" called out Goofy.
At that moment, Luffy dropped to all fours, his forehead on the ground. "I'm a loser! We're all guilty! Throw the axe at us!" he blubbered, comical tears pouring from his eyes.
Everyone's jaws dropped as their eyes went white. "You had to ask… you just HAD to ask…" said Donald.
"We're doomed…" said Usopp softly.
"ENOUGH!" shouted the Queen. "What proof do you have that the five of you are guilty?"
The five of them immediately whipped their heads in the Queen's direction. "Wha?" asked Sora in utter befuddlement.
"This whole routine is taking too much of my valuable time! Time I could be spending playing croquet!" continued the Queen. "If you have no evidence on you, then I order you to go from here and find some! In the meantime, this girl shall remain here as collateral!"
(the rest of the scene plays out like the actual scene in the chapter)