I marched forward across the dusty mesa, knowing not where they intended to take me. I could only hope they did not intend me to walk off a cliff for destroying their beloved, though horribly bug eaten and foul smelling pet.
I attempted communication with the beaked hairy men, but they didn't speak English or Ss'sik'chtokiwij, and pantomime didn't seem to work. I thought about using my secret tongue and sharing minds, but that could have been interpreted as a hostile gesture.
They loaded the carcass of the gorilla thing onto...I suppose you'd call it a hover cart, a stretcher sized equipment carrier, suspended in midair by some invisible force like the hoverboard from Back to the Future.
At the moment, I felt thankful for my acidic blood. The insects could feed just fine on mammals like my defeated foe, but they hadn't adapted enough to handle more caustic substances. They took a few bites of my blood and popped like miniature balloons. The others, possibly seeing the destruction of their comrades, abandoned my exoskeleton before taking a nibble. I suppose there had to be tougher pests out there, however. After all, the maggots my late friend used could survive in my wounds.
Some of the six eyed beast men mounted up reptilian beasts, resembling Velociraptors, but with floppy rabbit ears and a single large cyclops eye.
The dust storm had not abated. Sharp winds still buffeted us with clouds of loose grit, sand and dirt, more friction based lightning and thunder. My captors wrapped themselves like mummies in cloaks and woven mufflers as as shield from debris, but I of course got nothing. I suppose they thought my sleek aerodynamic form could take it...yes and no. I got scratched up pretty bad.
The beaked Yeti creatures put special goggles on their mounts to keep dirt out of their single eye.
The storm interrupted the functioning of the cart, so at times they would engage its hidden wheels and have me drag it along the soil until they got the sand cleaned out and it floated again.
We must have hiked for miles in what storm. I don't know how they didn't get lost or walk off a cliff.
We hiked down a narrow defile, wound down into a steep grade.
As the storm broke for a moment, I noticed a section of the Sulaco embedded in a rock face across the valley from us. The massive object exploded so suddenly that I, distracted, lost my footing and plunged over a cliff. The Shaggy Men holding my chain toppled over with me.
Their companions yanked on the chain, but I dangled like a hangman, gasping for air and flailing my limbs in a desperate scramble for purchase for what felt like an eternity. Sparks floated across my vision as the world around me darkened from lack of air.
When at last they got me back up on solid ground, I lay on the (semi) solid ground, weeping like a human (that's our way of coughing).
I caught my breath, watching dazedly as the other mountain collapsed, an avalanche of rocks and boulders, ranging from bowling ball to automobile sized, raining into the valley.
The Yeti Men tugged my collar, dragging me further down the incline. I didn't know the explosion had wounded my companions until they threw a headless corpse, and its head on top of the dead ape, and a pair of them coerced me to melt a piece of rebar out of their friend's arm with my acid.
A few miles from there, we wound down a mountain trail, and a village came within sight, nestled within the remains of a dead volcano.
At this point, the dust storm abated, and I got a good look at the place.
From my vantage point, it fairly resembled pictures I'd seen of Chaco Canyon, New Mexico. A whole series of rough homes carved into the cliffsides, cylindrical Kiva style dwellings scattered in between. However, unlike the ancient Pueblo monument, it also happened to be fully populated, and it featured and aqueduct and a vast, Roman style coliseum.
"Is that where you live? It's very cute!"
I got a string of unintelligible noises in response.
A very long hike, winding down steep, rugged hills, treacherous, low vegetation areas prone to rockslides. We came close to losing our cargo several times, once even losing our dead victim's head - someone had to chase the grisly treasure down before it rolled off the hill.
At last we came to the valley at the foot of this harrowing collection of ranges and geological formations, crossing a mile of cracked wasteland. We passed through a short cavern tunnel and a primitive guard station, entering the Kiva village proper.
Not a very diverse population, though the Yeti Men came in a variety of shapes, colors and sizes, not to mention masculine and feminine versions. Minimal clothing, mostly loincloths and similar attire.
They paraded me down a main avenue, amid a bustling, largely bronze age themed marketplace. It reminded me rather charmingly of both Native American villages and depictions of ancient Roman cities in bible movies.
Large, dusty, unpaved place, market stalls and vendors' rugs loaded with foods, mysterious herbalist supplies, pretty rocks, gems, crystals, textiles, jewelry, and a vast assortment of idols crafted in various media.
However, not earth. A stable hewn from rock, and tents, offered the raptor creatures for valuable bartered items. They also had a machine shop, and vendors of futuristic gadgets, likely scavenged from somewhere.
A mingling of indescribable, otherworldly scents, food, chemical and mechanical aromas...I recognized alien pillbug and soup from the time with my friend. The others...perhaps a hint of curry, protein, and the type of smells I found in the LV426 moon rover' garage.
I didn't get to do a lot of sightseeing, for my captors hurriedly rushed me through an Egyptian-esque set of pylons that served as the entrance to their coliseum, and I found myself the subject of a barter.
My lack of comprehension of the language led to some very intrusive manhandling', as they apparently wanted me to be a healthy physical specimen. I got the impression that they had encountered beings like me before, and found my docile nature indicative of disease.
There I stood, in a pillared stone rotunda, before a group of Shaggy Men at stone tables as my captors discussed my price. I stared at their impressive collections of glowing electronic devices, glittering baubles, containers of plant matter, salted meats and whatnot, as other Yeti things exchanged fierce looking alien beasts and humanoid things for treasures.
Behind me...some sort of gambling establishment, where the Yeti men brought in items of lesser value in exchange for chips representing...I wasn't sure, the next horse race, perhaps? Velociraptor race? "Give me fifty on Clever Girl," I joked to myself.
I got prodded all over my exoskeleton, the barter master demanding things I didn't understand.
Groaning, he jabbered something to an associate, and someone slammed a smoke detector shaped device down on the table before me.
My jaw distended in surprise when I witnessed the hologram of a feathery yellow Ss'sik'chtokiwij appear above its blinking lid, pointing a long mosquito beak at me.
"Gretchen Goose?"
The creature purred, jabbering something to Barter Master. Then, to me, "Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik! My mother has transferred me so many files concerning you!"
I gasped. "Mother? I don't understand."
"My name is Magellan. My mother Gretchen divided her electronic consciousness into a secondary portable application."
"This is most astonishing! Miraculous, in fact! How is it even possible that I'm speaking to you right now? What are you doing on this planet? How did you transport yourself from LV426? You must tell me!"
The Barter Master growled and banged his fist on the smoke detector thing. It appeared as if...Magellan most certainly could not tell me at the present moment.
"My apologies, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik. I am here only to perform translation duties. Perhaps we can talk later. Now, open your mouth and extend your secondary fanged extension."
I did as asked, and a few more actions of medical interest. Upon discovering my severed hidden tongues, they rather unscientifically determined that to be the source of my lack of fighting spirit. Barter Master still seemed interested, but only for an amount more reasonable to him, despite my captors' repeated protests, the displaying of my vanquished simian foe, and their decapitated friend, whom they claimed I also defeated in battle.
My captors begrudgingly agreed to a price, and a group of strangers took me by the chain, leading me down a long ramp into an underground network of caves.
All...holding cells for prisoners of varying species. Although half happened to be meaner looking Yeti men,
Not the most pleasantly aromatic place. Musty, damp, reeking of mildew, unwashed body odors, feces and ammonia (though I confess ammonia makes me thirsty). The shadowy, dimly lit quality, though, very homelike and appealing to me.
Most the cells had a fairly traditional cage design, some with more bars and thicker slats than jails of human construction, perhaps due to the thinner, smaller weasel-like prisoners I spotted, though you could still see their occupants. Other cells had more of a maximum security barrier, toughened glass-like materials or transparent concrete with air holes and a food slot.
I spotted at least two more of those horned ape beasts, perhaps a common species in that area. Another species: Ostrich-like monsters with spider faces.
I passed a human bodied woman with green hair and guinea pig-like facial features. A long tail with opossum characteristics twitched from the back end of her ragged gray jumpsuit. I flinched in shock when I noticed the DAMBALLAH snake head patch. Somehow she had ties to that secret scientific program from LV426!
In the cell beside hers: A young, freckle faced man, clad in a similarly distressed jumpsuit, but bearing the Weyland Yutani symbol on the breast.
In the cell with him: An adorable twelve year old girl, her DAMBALLAH jumpsuit threadbare and faded. I jerked against my captors' chains when I saw her. "Sarah!"
The girl's eyes bulged. She practically fainted in shock. "How do you know my name!"
The man gripped the bars. "Ernie? Subject 073? But how?"
At this point, the Yeti Men yanked forcefully on my chains, throwing me into an empty cell.
They stepped back, sealing me in with a transparent concrete barrier. They'd thought this through enough to not give me a cell with a regular metal door.
No bed. A pipe automatically refilled a stone water bowl to one side of the chamber. It had the same lingering aromas prevalent elsewhere in the jail, but with a tinge of motor oil and something like Xevo Insect Spray.
My cell had a small hole in the floor, I presume for the depositing of bodily waste, but presently it just served as an entry port for blue cockroaches large as a human fist. I devoured the things that emerged, but didn't care for the gritty texture or the bitter aftertaste.
As they'd more or less dug my prison out of the surrounding cavern, not much of a view, but I did get to observe my oddly familiar neighbors in the cell opposite.
I took my snacks to the transparent concrete barrier, waving to the man as I spoke through a section perforated with air holes. "You, sir: What's your name?"
The man grimaced in disgust at my half nibbled insects. "David."
"David, how do you recognize me? I don't even know you."
The man leaned on his cell door. Sarah, wary and suspicious of me, hid behind him. "Your electronic friend told me all about you. Kind of a big deal, creating a self aware computer program. I saw videos of you when you were smaller...Are you still a Christian?"
I purred, pleased to know my witness had some effect. "Yes. More importantly, are you?"
Nodding, the blonde showed me his cross necklace. Cheap plastic on a string. "Not useful for escape, and they couldn't barter anything for it, so they gave it back...How did you get stuck in here?"
I summarized everything you just heard about my escape from LV426. "What about you? Ss'sik'chtokiwij were swarming the base! How are you not dead?"
He bonked his forehead against the bars. "A lot of it has to do with kid genius behind me, and your digital friend. Long story. Snuck the girl and my wife out of DAMBALLAH while that maniac alien tore up the other clones, stole a little spaceship during that nonsense with that...Scorzacola cult...Kinda feel bad about that, but the ship's owner got killed by the cult guys, and I didn't want someone grabbing Sarah and injecting her with diseases...or my wife."
I glanced into the occupied cells surrounding his. Nobody human present. The neon purple crayfish monster in the cell next to him seemed a very poor match, as did the horned red cat thing beside it, and the rodent faced humanoid to the left of his cell..."Is she...elsewhere in this prison, perhaps?"
The humanoid rodent brushed back her long green hair, reaching through the bars.
The man smiled and took her hand. "This is Pillow, my wife. Pillow, meet Ernie."
The flashed a fine set of buckteeth. "Dusaq and shalom. I'm very happy to make your acquaintance. Your faith is an inspiration."
"Thank you...So, you're actually married?"
David nodded. "It's not official, we didn't have the luxury of a pastor or a ship's captain or a justice of the peace..." David held up his ring. "This is just a rubber washer. We didn't have access to a real one. No time."
He squeezed her hand.
"Well..." I stammered. "I've never studied the subject, so I don't think I'll be of any help. It wouldn't be proper for me to administer the rites."
"Can't be any worse than me officiating my own like that scene from Cold Mountain. At least we have a witness." He smirked. "Even if it is void in Delaware."
"I...don't understand."
"Never mind. Just give it a shot. Humor us and speak from The Spirit, so we aren't living in sin."
Far be it for me to let my brethren sin, even if I thought it unlikely for their two species to produce offspring (a possible sin of its own)...so I prayed , and, with a little coaching from David, gave a passable wedding rite, declaring David Barnes and Pillow Pulsa...Mr. and Mrs. Pillow Pulsa. His wife insisted, something quite traditional in her culture, I'm told.
"Does that mean my last name gets changed to Pulsa too?" Sarah asked.
David mussed her hair. "Guess that depends on what school we enroll you in, doesn't it?"
The girl actually looked excited. A life lived in complete isolation will do that to you.
But then her sudden cheer vanished. "You think we'll ever get out of this place?"
"I...I don't know."
David held the girl as she cried.
A group of Yeti opened my cell door, dragging me down a nearby tunnel.
"Hey! Where are you taking her?" David shouted, but of course they didn't respond...Even when he and Sarah attempted communication with them in their clicking, chirping language.
I got marched through a section of empty and unfinished prison cells, and up an incline, into an inner corridor of the coliseum.
Very confusing, what happened next. Perhaps I was not as studied as I originally thought. We stepped through a series of security gates, my handlers abandoning me to go elsewhere as transparent concrete barriers got dropped, and huge metal doors closed behind me.
At last, I got handed over to a bulky creature so thickly armored that I couldn't identify its species. This mysterious stranger loosened a few of my chains, then gave me an unfriendly shove, indicating I should exit the corridor immediately.
I wandered out into a dusty open air arena. All around me stood closed gates, some doubly protected by transparent concrete.
I had an audience. Hundreds of six eyed, bird beaked Yeti, observing me shuffle, bewildered, across soil littered with bones, skulls and broken weapons, splattered with blood and a rainbow of unidentifiable substances. The tall walls and transparent barriers thwarted an easy escape into the stands.
I admit I had a suspicion of my intended function in this place, but...big open space, no one disturbing me, so I could do what I felt like. Those discarded broken weapons and bones made excellent drawing tools.
Individuals in the crowd shouted angrily, made irritated grumbling sounds. Others laughed and pointed as I scratched pretty designs in the dirt.
I found an axe handle and a bone, fashioning it into a crude golf club with some rope I found.
I'd just located a round bone that made for a passable golf ball, and had crafted a hole to putt it into, when a loud clanking, humming sound startled me to full alert.
An enormous metal gate groaned open, and out padded a gigantic black creature, larger than four humans put together.
I recognized the glistening black face at once, noting, with much sorrow, how her beautiful Chasmosaurus-like head growths had become cracked and broken, her shoulder and back plates chipped and shattered.
"Granddaughter..." she snarled.
With no word of warning, she grabbed me by the throat and hurled me across the arena.
The crowd cheered.
As I groaned and picked myself up off the remains of my mini golf course, a second, smaller door clanged open.
Out stepped a scowling, curly haired woman, clad in ill fitting armor, a combination axe and broadsword clutched in her hands.
I gaped at her...and her strange attire. "...Ripley?"
Her eyes practically popped out of their sockets as she saw me.
And then she noticed my grandmother.
"What the fuck?"
0000]
Quacebs, Book 2, Part 9
[0000]
Some of the edge came off of Quana's voice as she calmed down a fraction. "What happened to your tail?"
"Quana, he—"
"He said he was sick of having it," Randy interrupted.
Quana stared at me. "What's wrong with you?"
I glared at Randy, but he only responded with an arrogant mocking grin.
A knot tightened in my stomach. "Nothing. It just seemed like the thing to do when the love of your life treats you like shit, that's all."
Quana failed to understand the sarcasm. "That doesn't make any sense. You did that before I came back from shopping."
"It makes perfect sense if Randy is—"
"I didn't ask you to make more accusations, I asked you why you tried to cut your tail off."
I thought about making a lighthearted comment about how I hated having a tail due to annoying things like staplers always punching through it and causing me pain, but what was the point? I didn't think it was possible to hate the love of my life and future fiancee, but I'd never seen her with her hair down', so to speak.
I only shook my head.
Quana took something like a square of foam rubber, placing it on my tail. It immediately swelled around it like an insulator sleeve on a plumbing conduit.
"I didn't know you still cared."
"The bible says love your enemies, especially when they're..." She fell silent.
While she had been distracted with tending his wounds, the boy had disappeared.
"Randy?" Quana called.
He didn't answer.
"Dista?"
Quana marched out of the room. I followed her, wondering how Randy could possibly make my life worse.
Randy sat in the cockpit room, poking buttons on the controls.
"Hey! What are you doing!" Quana cried. "How did you unlock the security system!"
Randy ignored her, pushing buttons. The ship let out a mechanical groan, rocking sideways.
"Stop! You're going to kill us!"
"Yeah right! Alien spaceships are supposed to have armor so tough that nothing can hurt it!"
"Well this one doesn't! Stop right now before we all die!"
"You're a killjoy." He rolled a track ball, causing the entire room to tilt at an angle.
Quana dashed to the copilot's chair, pushing buttons of her own.
Randy's screen locked up.
Quana shifted the room to a righted position.
Randy jumped to the other computer, but found it equally inoperative. "What did you do!"
She crossed her arms indignantly. "I should be asking you that! How did you unlock a secured system with a protected foreign language code on it?"
Randy shrugged, but didn't say anything.
Quana gave me a glance that seemed to say she believed me now.
"You see what I'm dealing with? Do you understand my situation? Even a little?"
She fell silent for a moment. "No. He's just a boy. It doesn't excuse what you did."
I sighed. "Fine. Whatever. Let's just get...Randy home."
Quana nodded, giving Dista a pleading glance. The servant suddenly feigned excitement at the prospect of cleaning up the damaged ship.
The princess frowned at the boy again. "Randy? How did you figure out that code?"
"Matt showed me it. He said I just had to push the buttons in a straight line, like Camille's burglar alarm."
So that was it. It was too simple. I didn't think it were possible to get any further in the doghouse, but it seemed I was wrong. Quana gave me a look that turned my blood to ice.
"We should go." She gave it as a direct command.
I thought about changing into my earth clothes, but didn't bother. I was so hot with anger I couldn't bear wearing that thick and uncomfortable.
It'd serve her right if some government guys grabbed her and cut her open, I thought, not thinking about what that would also mean for me.
Quana stared at the boy for a moment. "What happened to your dress?"
Randy's eyes darted back and forth, as if calculating another lie. It seemed, though, he didn't relish crossdressing that much, for he gave a lame answer: "It was getting hot."
He quickly added, "If I knew how much it would work Matt up, I wouldn't have changed."
I scoffed and shook my head.
Quana looked nauseated. With her hands on her hips, she examined my palace uniform, like I shouldn't be wearing it to the car, but made no comment.
We returned to the car, neither one of us speaking to the other. Even the boy seemed to have lost his tongue, probably due to not wanting to spoil the fun.
Despite how the car technically belonged to me, Quana insisted on driving, on account of my wumloq problem...And walking to pick up the vehicle. After all, she'd never given the keys back.
We drove two miles in dead silence.
"Are you still upset?"
Quana turned her head. "Of course I'm upset! What if that was our child!"
I sighed. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"How do I know that? I've never actually seen how you behave around children." She scoffed. "You know what, that's right, it won't happen again, because I'm going home." She whimpered like a puppy dog, wiping tears from her eyes. "Maybe Syed is still single..."
Randy leaned over Quana's seat. "Hey Koala! What do you call that thing that ate people's faces?"
"My name is Quana." Her tone was sulky, but not as cold as the one she'd given me.
The kid dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand. "I know that. What's that monster called?"
"It's an Otranoc," she sighed.
"Do you have any in your ship?"
"No. Why would I have those?"
"I don't know, you seemed like a cool alien, so I just assumed you'd have at least one."
"An Otranoc is not cool!"
"Yes it is! You should bring one from your planet. There's black kids at my school and I'd love to make one rip out their faces."
Quana frowned at him.
"What! They're bullies! They deserve it!"
Quana gave me a suspicious glance, then returned her gaze to the boy, adding a steel edge to her voice. "Randy...Nobody, not even a bully, deserves the Otranoc. If you can't understand that, then I wouldn't be too sorry to see one put over your own face."
I thought about chiding her for saying something cruel and threatening like that, but decided I would rather get my woman back than force an apology out of her, so I shut up.
"That's not very Christian," said Randy. "I thought Christians were supposed to love people and turn the other cheek."
"I'm sure if you tilt your head, they can gnaw on both!"
Ouch, I thought.
"That's not very loving for a Christian to say," Randy scolded.
"I could say the same thing about your bigotry! How can you belong to such a Christian family and say so many offensive things about others with slightly different ethnic origin or skin pigmentation? Aren't you afraid of going to hell?"
"No, and how do you know I'm a Christian?" the boy asked.
While Quana ineffectively said her piece about how Randy should be a Christian, I stared at the road, thinking long and hard about our mirroring practice earlier.
"You remind me of Mrs. Duffie at the church, except she weighs four hundred pounds and has no teeth," the boy said. "You talk to me like I'm an idiot. It's because of people like you that I don't go to church. Anyway..." He pulled out a Nintendo Switch, using it to pull up arguments against God's existence.
Quana tried to answer the arguments, but the boy only Googled a response that kicked the legs out from under her refutations.
"How is he getting all this stuff?" Quana asked. "I thought you broke his phone!"
"Regardless of who broke it...He's got a Nintendo Switch."
"I thought those only played games."
I furrowed my brow. "I thought so too!"
"What now, you going to bust me for jailbreaking my Switch?"
My eyes narrowed further. "I should!"
"What's jailbreaking?" Quana hissed to me.
I explained the term. "Randy, how do you even have Internet on that thing?"
"Mom gave me a mobile hotspot, but it's got a data cap."
"Oh you poor baby!"
"Shut up."
"What, no clever rejoinder?"
"I'll get you one in a minute..." He threw another anti-religious argument at Quana.
Quana looked pained. "Matt, a little help?"
"Your guess is as good as mine, princess," I replied a bit too crisply.
I noticed the boy wiping something on Quana's sleeve, but didn't mention it.
Quana sighed. After a minute's silence..."Are you saying that you don't know, or are you just mad?"
"A little of both." I let out a long sigh. "Whatever you say, he'll disagree with it and pull something off the web to argue against it. Besides, you can't save a person through arguing. All you can do is pray for the Holy Spirit to do that."
Quana immediately did this. Randy scoffed.
I reflected I should have done some praying myself a long time ago, had I possessed a clear head.
The boy undid his seatbelt and leaned over Quana's seat. "You've got something on your shoulder."
Quana glanced to her left.
"No. The other one. You got some dirt on it."
As she examined her outfit, the boy snatched her purse from her car seat, digging through its contents.
He handed the purse back to her. "Your boyfriend threw this back here. I'm not sure why. I think he was mad."
"His hands were by his side this whole time," she said, suspicion creeping into her voice. "I saw it." I caught Quana's glance again. I thought the expression denoted a dawning of understanding.
Eyes focused on driving, Quana thrust her purse in my face. "Here. Keep this on the floor where he can't reach it."
Noticing how Randy was rapidly slipping out of her good graces, I hid my signs of gloating the best I could, grabbing the purse. "So you trust me with your purse now?"
Quana rolled her eyes. "You're the...closest thing to another adult in this car."
"Yes, your highness." I said this without a single ounce of sarcasm, placing the purse between my feet.
Quana smirked a little.
Randy passed me a bible and a cross.
I groaned. "What, did you dump everything out or something?"
Randy didn't answer. "I can see why you got engaged. You're both religious nuts. You don't even believe in using condoms."
"What!"
Quana's face turned green. "We are not having this conversation!"
After fuming in silence, Quana locked her eyes on mine. "Matt...?"
I smirked a fraction. "Yes, dear?"
Quana shuddered. "Is it normal for hatchlings of his age to be this knowledgeable about the skunks and the bees?"
"Uh..." I didn't feel like correcting her mangled English. "No. But things happen. Kids in my neighborhood found Playboys in someone's garage one time. Nowdays they just need a computer. Kids today don't stay innocent as long as they used to."
"Sad."
A white rubbery egg shaped object landed in my lap. The thing exploded, covering the front of my pants with a wet off-white substance that dried and hardened like caulking paste.
"Randy! What the hell did you do!"
Randy only giggled.
I tried to pull the stuff off with one hand, but it stuck to my fingers like school glue.
Quana laughed so hard that she swerved onto the shoulder, wheels making a noisy RRRRRR' as we rolled over all the scored concrete.
She recovered, steering back into the lane.
For a brief moment, we grinned at each other, me a little sheepishly because I didn't understand the joke, but happy to have her smiling again.
Quana cleared her throat, forcing a serious face.
I frowned at the mess. "Quana, what the hell is this stuff?"
"Jism," the boy said.
"It's wurbajod," Quana corrected. "It...um...makes me dry, and fresh."
I sighed in relief. "So it's like a deodorant."
"Not exactly."
My face flushed red. "Good thing you're driving! How do I get this stuff off?"
"It's probably best if you use soap and water. I could spray you with vorjud, but it would smell funny."
"Do I look like I have a bathtub in my car? Spray me. I don't care."
She laughed. "You asked for it."
Quana coated me in a substance that felt like sanitizing gel, but smelled strongly of paint thinner, skunk spray, and mildew.
The foam disappeared, but it bleached a vine shaped pattern across my crotch. You could still see a stain. I sighed in resignation.
Quana stifled a giggle, then burst out laughing. I laughed too.
Quana screwed up her face. "I'm still mad at you."
My cheer fell away. "I know."
Randy quietly toyed with Quana's communicator. I didn't realize the boy had it until I heard an angry female voice demanding to know who Randy was, and how he got on a secured line, in Wava.
Understanding none of it, Randy made a bunch of nonsense sounds and stuck out his tongue. "Gom, Randy!" Quana cried. "Disconnect and give the communicator to Matt! Do you want to start a war?"
"Yeah! That would be awesome!"
Quana groaned, shouting an apology to the Abreya on the other end, apparently a military general from a country other than Bencap.
"Wait," I said. "How did you get a hold of her so easily? You got the general of another country on speed dial?"
Quana looked nervous. "Um hum?"
Randy pushed another button, and now Tama's voice growled through the speakers. As before, Randy made nonsense noises and stuck out his tongue.
Quana apologized, yelling an explanation. The Queen seemed a little good humored about it (despite Randy trying to drown everyone out with his noises), perhaps due to it being later in the morning than their previous call.
I tried to reach back and grab the communicator, but Randy kept dodging out of my reach, and it was unsafe to unbelt and jump back there.
Quana shouted a command about Hands free mode' and something about a game. It yielded an immediate groan of disappointment from the boy.
"Oh what is this crap? Checkers with an old guy?"
"Gom, that's a real old guy. Be nice."
"Who's Gom?"
Quana blushed. "Nobody. That guy is real, Randy. Try to be respectful."
Randy did his usual blathering act, tossing the device onto the dashboard.
"Careful!" I shouted. "That could have gotten under the gas or the brake, and we'd be in a wreck!"
"You worry too much. I got skills!"
I rolled my eyes, grabbing the communicator.
The stranger on the screen...not super old, perhaps in his forties, well, in earth years.
I smiled and waved, offering an apology.
"It's okay. I found that creature very amusing. May I share the recording?"
I shrugged. "Sure. Do whatever you want with it."
"You want to play Parlodel?"
"Maybe later. I'm kinda busy."
The stranger's eyes widened. "Is that Geigy Quana?"
I swallowed. "Uh, yeah...We're friends."
Quana coughed to indicate disagreement.
"What? We're not enemies!"
The stranger chuckled. "You are playing with fire, my friend. You are going to end up in a dungeon."
Quana laughed. "Great idea!"
"Oh boy," I groaned. "Talk to you later, sir. If you want me, I'll be in a dungeon."
The stranger laughed and disconnected.
After a long pause, Quana blurted, "Matt. I'm sorry. I...I overreacted. I see now that this...boy has some problems."
"That's putting it mildly!"
"Hey!" Randy cried.
"What I don't understand is how a mind like his could become so darkened and warped. He's only a child."
I swallowed. "He's got some mental problems. One time I was babysitting him and he mooned me and chased me around with a knife. All because I wanted to watch something and didn't want to change the channel."
"I did not!" The boy yelled. "See? All he does is lie about me!"
"Poniki," Quana swore under her breath. "What about his mother? Shouldn't she do something to stop this behavior?"
I groaned. "Not really. She's a charge nurse at a hospital. When school's out, he's either with his dad or a babysitter."
"And this behavior doesn't upset his father?"
I shook my head. "His father doesn't think Randy does anything wrong."
"My dad loves me," the boy said.
I looked at him like a diseased carcass. "Let's talk about this later."
Quana nodded.
We came to a stop in front of Camille's house.
No cars parked out front.
"Great. What now."
"We'll just have to wait," Quana groaned.
"About this car situation. I know you wanted to buy the car from me. But if we're separated..."
Quana stared at the dash. "Good luck paying it off!" she whispered.
I looked into Quana's eyes with a pleading expression. "You don't seriously still believe all those lies he's told you, do you?"
She sniffed. "I don't know what to believe. I mean, yes, he's naughty, but you got into my private things and tried to put my ticaloloq in Randy's—"
"If you actually believe I did that..." I shook my head, staring at the glove box. Now what? If I can't go with her to Pathilon, I'll have to get a job here. "What about the church?"
Quana just gazed out the window for a long time.
The boy, in the meantime, occupied himself with a game on his Switch.
If I knew he had one of those, I could have just told him to play Luigi's Mansion for awhile.
"I'm not going to let your behavior ruin a beautiful religion," Quana said at last.
I bumped my head against the door in frustration.
"I...I really can't believe someone who helped me so much would be so abusive to a child."
"Quana, I didn't!"
"Of course you'd never own up to such a thing. No one would. Tell me, does your Jesus accept this kind of behavior?"
"My Jesus!" I let the mistake pass. "No. But I didn't do anything to that brat!...Well, except hitting him, but you saw that."
All was silent in the car, save for Quana's weeping, and the sounds of electronic music from the back seat.
The music stopped.
The boy leaned over Quana's seat.
I just rolled my eyes. The worst had been done, so I didn't care what Randy did anymore.
"You know what I said about Matt doing that thing to me? With that thing?"
"Yes?" She cried rather than said it.
"Well, I lied. Also, he hits like a girl."
I forced a cough, but didn't comment.
"...He roughed me up a little, but that was only when you came in."
"What!" Quana sat bolt upright, her face flushing a dark olive. She looked ready to shoot fire from her eyeballs.
"Yeah," Randy said with a bashful smile. "Until now, I really didn't see how much you loved that wimp."
"Well I do!" she yelled. "And so what if he's..."
When she met my gaze, she turned the color of the top of a pool table. Apparently she hadn't meant to say that part out loud. I grinned.
The boy patted her shoulder in a condescending manner. "What I mean to say is, as much as I don't like having a Jew in my family, or having him happily married, I couldn't stand to make a crazy lady like you so sad."
Quana furrowed her brow.
"...It just isn't fun anymore."
"Fun!" she spat. "Do you call slanderous libel fun!"
"I used to!"
I thought I heard the boy muttering something about needing to come up with a different plan, but it had been too low to her.
"What was that?" Quana shouted.
"I didn't say anything!" Randy protested.
Quana growled like a dog.
The boy only laughed.
"What's so funny, you disrespectful little vuddem!"
"Nothing!" Then, under his breath, Randy mocked her with little dog noises.
Quana glared at him.
A familiar car rolled to a stop along the curb in front of ours. I sighed in relief.
The moment we stepped out of the car, Randy ran to Louise, screaming and crying fake tears.
The boy clutched the woman's dress, crying and blubbering. "Matt hit me," he sobbed. "He drove me to a fake spaceship and punched me and his girlfriend helped him! They smashed up my phone, and even tried to shoot me with a gun!"
Camille and Louise gave me a suspicious stare.
I swallowed. Here we go again.
I and Quana frowned at each other.
Louise narrowed her eyes at me. "What's with that weird getup?"
I scoffed when I thought about Randy's dress. "Getting...ready for Comicon."
"What's that stuff on your pants?"
"Ma'am," Quana blurted. "That's cleaning solution."
"And what, pray tell, were you cleaning up?"
"Wurbajod."
"It's...like douche," I stammered.
Louise glowered. "And you played with that stuff around my son? You make me sick!"
I bit my lip, realizing any further words would only serve to dig the hole deeper. If this keeps up, I'll really have no reason to stay on earth! I thought.
"Technically you were adopted to begin with," Louise groaned. "It just goes to show that blood is thicker than water." She put her hands on her hips. "I guess you've made our point perfectly clear, haven't you? You didn't want to babysit Randy, and now you're punishing us for it. I should report you to the police!"
"Louise..." Camille protested.
The woman shook her head, directing her attention to me. "And where were you all this time? You obviously weren't in the house!"
Randy grinned. "We went to Koala''s spaceship!"
Louise scowled at Quana. "Young lady, what's he rambling about?"
Quana shrugged. "I took him to my house. I've got...a big screen TV, and...the room is decorated to look like a spaceship!"
"She's lying!" Randy protested. "It's a big thing down in her swimming pool!"
"You got abused in her swimming pool?"
"No, it's an empty pool, and she's got a spaceship in it!"
Louise rolled her eyes. "You have such an imagination." She glared at me. "I don't know what happened while we were gone, but if either one of you get a foot near my son, you'll be talking to my lawyers!"
"Louise," Camille stammered. "Can I speak to these two alone?"
Louise sighed. "Don't worry about it. I'm going back home." She yanked on the boy's arm. "Come, Randy. We are leaving."
The woman turned her attention to the boy's outfit. "What happened to that nice dress I bought you?"
"It's in my bag, mom...Matt said I couldn't wear it."
Louise looked even angrier now. I just rubbed my face in frustration. "Well you can wear it now, dear."
"I still can't believe they built a separate restroom just for Randy," Camille remarked.
My eyes bugged out. I forced myself not to giggle, especially when I noticed how red Randy's face had gotten.
"It's a definite sign that society is finally moving out of the Dark Ages," Louise replied.
I chortled through my nose.