I'm a bit excited about the next few chapters, because things are beginning to get worse now (in emotional terms).
I hope you enjoy Tony going through a lot just as much as I do :D Maybe we'll meet up later in the comments, I would be pleased!

Chapter 12

Tony woke up with a start. Breathing heavily, he got out of bed and tried to calm himself as panic ran through his body. Another nightmare...

It was three in the morning, which meant he had only two hours of sleep again, but it would have to be enough. He would not go back to the hell that awaited him as soon as he closed his eyes. At least not today. He was tired of it. So tired of reliving those memories in the same dreams every night. So real, as if it was all happening over and over again.

Tony had tried sleeping pills several times in the past few weeks. They made his body feel heavy, but it didn't help him fall asleep. And the nightmares were as bad as ever. As much as he desperately needed the rest, he also felt how much he resisted it. How much he feared it.

Tony slipped into a shirt and jeans, grabbed the whiskey bottle that was right next to his bed, and went into the living room to turn up the music. Black Sabbath blared through the house.

Lost in thought, he stroked his arc reactor, which was glowing brightly. A month had passed since the incident in Gulmira and his house. Since then, everything had been quiet. No sign of the terrorists, no bad news in the media, no information from S.H.I.E.L.D. Nothing. Everything was quiet. Too quiet. Deadlock.

At least his injuries had healed well, only the bruised bones still twitched a bit, but overall he had recovered well - at least his body had.

Tony sighed and drank straight from the bottle. Then he turned up the music even louder and closed his eyes. Listening only to the music, feeling the slowly growing intoxication... Not having to think was a relief. At least in theory. The brain was not designed for not thinking. Especially not his.

He was still doomed to keep his feet still until S.H.I.E.L.D. finally allowed him to get back into his suit. Of course, they couldn't really forbid him anything, but that wasn't what Coulson and Romanoff had wanted to make clear with their words. He had to admit, though, that they were right. His efforts regarding the Ten Rings had come to nothing, and he felt he had done more damage than he had prevented. Still, he felt trapped. Unable to do anything - and unable to escape the panic that threatened to suffocate him. He didn't like sitting around, being passive. He had to do something.

He thought of Pepper and how she had struggled for months to keep the company on track while he literally wasted no thought on what to do next. He felt guilty because he had to admit that he had often left her high and dry when it came to deadlines or decisions. And yet, she hardly complained. She continued to do her job as his assistant, quietly keeping an eye on things. As she did again when he showed up drunk at the board meeting. There hadn't been any consequences for him yet. But the board wouldn't wait forever, that had been made clear.

Tony ran his fingers over the bottle, lost in thought. Maybe there was something he could do. Maybe this was not the time for Iron Man. Maybe now was the time for Tony Stark to mind his own business. And Tony Stark had one thing above all else: a billion-dollar company.

Pepper jumped and sat bolt upright in her bed. Someone was in the house. Here in her apartment. The terrorists? Had they come to kill her? She had definitely heard something! Two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were guarding her apartment; had they already been killed?

Heart pounding, Pepper stood up and grabbed the bedside lamp to at least have something to defend herself with. Then she heard the sound again.

The doorbell.

Would terrorists ring the doorbell? Probably not.

A little embarrassed, she returned the lamp to its original place. Little by little, she seemed to be getting a little paranoid. But with everything that had happened lately, was that any wonder? She scowled at the time on her alarm clock and then stumbled, still a little sleepy, to the apartment door. The doorbell rang again, this time much longer.

"Coming..." Pepper said grumpily, looking at the nocturnal troublemaker.

Surely it was one of the agents again for nothing. That had happened twice since she was allowed to "enjoy" this special protection.

She opened the door with a jerk. The man standing in front of her was apparently so surprised that he almost toppled over and had to hold on to the door frame.

"Oh," Pepper said irritably.

"Hi," Tony said.

He didn't look exactly fresh. Dark circles under his eyes, pale complexion, and his hair even more disheveled than usual.

"Hello," Pepper said slowly. "You... um... know it's a little after four, right?"

Tony glanced absently at his Rolex, but said nothing.

"Is something wrong?" asked Pepper.

Now she was a little worried. As far as she could remember, he had never come to her apartment before.

"No, no, everything's fine," Tony replied, looking into her eyes again.

Pepper could see and smell that he had been drinking. Again. She refrained from commenting. It would bounce off him anyway.

"Can we... maybe go get some breakfast?" he asked quietly.

"Sorry?"

"Breakfast. If you don't mind - so early?"

Her brain wasn't quite awake yet and couldn't comprehend what was going on. Tony, here in front of her apartment, at four in the morning, drunk - to take her out for breakfast.

"Y-yah, sure... um... why don't you come in while I get dressed."

She let Tony in and gestured for him to sit in the kitchen for a moment while she quickly went into the bedroom and put on a dress that wasn't too formal. It felt strange having him here in her apartment. As if an invisible line had been crossed. But she dismissed the thought carelessly, she was curious what Tony wanted from her. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and, uncharacteristically, refrained from applying makeup.

"Okay. Let's go," she said when she was done.

They left the apartment, not without being followed by one of her agents and the two who had already followed Tony to her place.

It was still dark and even a little chilly when they stepped outside. Cars drove by sporadically, but there weren't many people on the streets yet. Pepper noticed the white Audi R8 in front of her apartment.

"Did you drive here on your own?" she asked incredulously.

Tony didn't answer, but Pepper couldn't let him get away with it. She grabbed his arm and looked at him sternly.

"You've obviously been drinking," she said, but Tony didn't seem to care at the moment. "And came here by car!"

"Yeah, all right, Pepper," he muttered. "I'll take a cab back later."

Another comment was on the tip of Pepper's tongue, but Tony pointed ahead and then said, "I saw a fast-food restaurant around the corner on my way to your place."

Pepper got even more worried. It seemed like he wanted to talk to her about something specific. And he seemed so serious. It was strange. After about five minutes, they reached an extremely cheap-looking restaurant that Tony would never set foot in. Normally.

At least it was open. They took a seat at the window and ordered coffee and pancakes. Pepper waited patiently for him to say something and sipped her cappuccino incessantly. With the first coffee of the day, life came back to her.

"I thought of something..." Tony said after a while, pulling a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket, where he seemed to have made some notes. "We're going to tear down the New York office and build a huge tower in its place. Research, development, energy technologies. The cornerstone of a new future. Right now we're going to focus on the production of clean electricity. We already have the technology with the arc reactor. If we're smart, we could gradually power all of America with clean electricity."

Pepper nearly choked on her coffee. He seemed serious; in fact, he seemed to have finally given some thought to what was going to happen with the company. Though she didn't know if she should be happy about that right now. Tony certainly didn't seem enthusiastic.

"Then we'll see," Tony continued. "With a huge research department, we can do all sorts of things. Clean electricity as such would be just the beginning. Green cars that would be affordable for everyone. Hydro panels that use the sun to extract clean, pollution-free drinking water from the air to power every home completely autonomously. Vertical rotor wind turbines that work regardless of wind direction. There is already initial research, we could produce our own line. Of course, these are just examples, but we could do something good for the environment. Instead of weapons whose only function is destruction."

"Ah, yes... wow, Tony!" Pepper said, putting down her cup.

"We'll fly to New York for the weekend and get things started," Tony added.

"That sounds... good," Pepper said, still surprised.

Judging by his somber expression, she had actually expected a different conversation.

"We'll be the only ones with that kind of capability: inventing and manufacturing these things and eventually selling them. It might even be more successful than the weapons industry. Well, no, it won't, but..." He cleared his throat. "I want you to do this with me, Pepper. Planning the tower and everything. It'll be our thing." Tony smiled at her. "If you want."

Pepper couldn't help but smile, too. "Of course I do!" she said happily. "That sounds promising, just wonderful! I don't even know what to say. I'm really glad - and relieved. You know, after... that thing with the board. But why did you come up with these ideas now? Where did it come from all of a sudden?"

"I..." Tony hesitated, then lowered his eyes to his steaming black coffee. "Actually, I was just looking for a reason to come here. I was thinking about it on the way to your apartment."

Pepper was stunned. She didn't know what surprised her more. The fact that he was eager to see her - and admitted it - or that he had casually come up with a new plan for Stark Industries within an hour's drive. But still, she was worried. Tony didn't touch his coffee or pancakes, let alone show any sign of optimism. After all, this was actually good news he was telling her.

"You're arranging everything?" he asked. "Private jet for Friday, appointments with architects, a proper construction company, and the manager of the current office in New York."

"Yes, of course. I'll be on the phone this morning."

"Oh, by the way... what do you think about a fundraiser? We could have a charity event first thing on Friday night. I should probably come up with something positive for the media again."

"I think that's a good idea. Yeah, I'd love to. I'll take care of it."

"Thanks."

There was a brief silence during which Pepper watched Tony closely.

"So why did you want to see me in the first place?" she asked cautiously, her heart beating faster.

Tony looked up and bit his lip. "Yeah, about that... Uh. I just... needed to see... someone."

"Someone." Pepper frowned at him, trying to understand what he was saying. "Sorry, I don't understand. Do you need... something?"

Tony cleared his throat and looked away. "No."

The seats in the restaurant were filling up, the sun was now peeking out between the buildings, and the traffic was getting heavier. Some of the customers gave them surprised looks and whispered behind closed doors.

"Um," Tony said as he watched the waitress refill coffee for the guests. "The day we were attacked and... I apparently went into cardiac arrest. You know, that day... Well, you hugged me in that S.H.I.E.L.D. hideout. Do you remember?"

"Yeah?" Pepper said somehow questioningly. She felt like she was getting extremely nervous. What was he getting at?

Tony seemed to force himself to look at her again.

"Look. Pepper. You hugged me. And. Um. Well... Jesus, why is this so hard?" he muttered more to himself. "Well, why did you hug me?"

"What?" Pepper heated up, hoping she wouldn't turn red. "I don't understand."

"It's just a question. Don't make it too complicated." It was hard to tell what kind of mood he was in.

"Tony...I..." Pepper stared at him, completely tense. "I guess I hugged you... because I was so relieved that you didn't die."

"That's it?"

"I don't know. Maybe. No. I mean, yes, I think so."

Tony looked at his coffee again. Pepper couldn't see what he was thinking. Why was he asking her that?

"Now you seem..." Pepper said. "Are you disappointed?"

"What?" Tony asked, smiling at her. "No. Not at all. I was just wondering... I was wondering if maybe... Just forget about it. Sorry, Pep."

"What are you sorry for? I don't understand -"

"Mr. Stark?" a woman suddenly asked at that moment. "Could I have your autograph?"

"Sure," Tony said tonelessly and signed his name on a hastily held out napkin.

Then he turned to Pepper and sighed deeply. Why was he so tense and distressed?

"Can we go?" Tony asked, pointing his head at the guests, almost all of whom were now looking at him.

"You haven't eaten yet," Pepper replied, but took the hint and nodded.

Tony stood up immediately, leaving far too much money on the table, and Pepper followed him outside after quickly downing the rest of her cappuccino.

Paparazzi were waiting for them outside, probably because Tony's car had been spotted. Pepper immediately felt a little uneasy.

"Wait. Stop," she told Tony. "Do not walk."

What he didn't need at the moment were reports and video footage of his drunken walking, which could not be overlooked. Pepper hailed a cab, took Tony by the arm, and the two of them got in quickly.

"Thanks," Tony muttered.

Pepper wasn't sure if he saw through her or if she just thought she was trying to spare him all the photos.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked, watching in surprise as one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents sat down next to him in the passenger seat, eyeing him up and down, and then apparently speaking into his wrist that everything was "clear".

Pepper gave Tony a sideways glance before answering.

"You know where he lives, don't you?" Pepper said, sitting back a little more relaxed. Tony gave her a quick grin.

On Friday morning, Tony had Happy drive him to the airport. Pepper was already waiting on the top step of his private jet, her hair pulled back in a tight braid.

"Bravo, Tony, only half an hour late," she said with a hint of a smile. "We're making progress here."

"Everyone slips up now and then," Tony waved nonchalantly and went straight to the couch inside the jet, while Happy handed his luggage to the stewardess at the entrance and said goodbye.

"Good morning, Mr. Stark," one of the pretty stewardesses greeted him inside the cabin, twirling one of her blonde locks seductively around her index finger. "Anything you need yet?"

Tony glanced at Pepper, who was busy telling one of the other stewardesses to be a little more careful with her luggage.

"No, thank you," he replied with a smile. "Nothing yet."

A few minutes later, the private jet took off. Tony was immediately dead tired. He had slept so little all week that he thought he was about to set a record. In part, though, he was provoking this lack of sleep by refusing to go into those horrible dreams night after night. He knew he couldn't keep this up for much longer, but he was starting to fear sleeping really badly. So when he noticed his drowsiness, he would slide into an extremely uncomfortable sitting position so that the resulting back pain would keep him awake.

"I got the confirmation email last night," Pepper said in her businesslike tone. She was sitting diagonally across from him, hunched over her laptop. "The appointment with the architect is today at three. Joe Ramirez is supposed to be an excellent architect in this area, but he will also cost quite a bit. The rest of the appointments won't be until tomorrow, which means you can enjoy your charity event tonight without any ruffle or excitement."

Tony nodded, also to shake off the fatigue, and then looked out the window. Some cloud formations stretched below them, and the sky shone a rich light blue.

"As always, you did very well, Pepper," he said in another desperate attempt to do anything to keep himself awake.

"As for choosing a construction company, I've set up three different appointments for tomorrow, we should check all three to decide which one is best for the project..."

Tony blinked a few times as he felt himself losing the battle against exhaustion.

Dreaming and waking mixed in fitful alternation. He saw lights like dangerous, staring eyes following him constantly. Dark, menacing figures sneaked up on him and he heard screams. Then he suddenly found himself in a cozy, warm room with Pepper, Rhodey and Happy. They were having a party, drinking and eating good food. Lovely music was playing in the background, and everyone was laughing a lot. Tony relaxed a little. He was joking around, drinking red wine, and enjoying the party until he noticed that the room was getting darker. The music was suddenly not so cheerful, he heard disharmonies and suddenly it was quiet. Then the wine in his mouth turned sour, and when he looked up, he saw that he was sitting across from dead people.

Pepper's belly had been sliced open and her insides were spilling out onto the table, and Happy was sitting next to her with no head - just a bloody neck stump. Rhodey's arms were at horrible angles from his body, helplessly trying to reach a piece of grilled cheese sandwich on the table. Tony looked around in horror. There were corpses everywhere, gray, rotting flesh falling from their bones as they raised their glasses. There were hundreds of dead and the room had become a hall. Tony caught sight of little Marcus, gnawing at a piece of bread while thick red blood oozed from the bullet wound in his head and worms were already eating holes in his body. Countless bodies... slashed, shot, strangled, blown to pieces by bombs...

"People you couldn't save," a dark voice said, and Tony turned around.

Raza looked down at him coldly. "There will be more... but in the meantime, go ahead and enjoy yourself."

"That... isn't true! They didn't die because of me!" Tony shouted in desperation.

"Keep lying to yourself," Raza said with a sneer. "They all died because of your missiles, because you gave them to men like me."

Tony tried to stand up, but he couldn't. He realized that he was suddenly tied to his chair. His feet got wet, and when he looked down, he saw that the hall was underwater. The water level was rising rapidly. Tony tried to free himself, but in vain. The next moment Raza was on top of him, a knife flashing in his hand.

"No! Please stop! Don't! Let me go!" Tony screamed, but Raza just grinned at him.

"Do it!" he heard another voice shout, and Tony could hardly believe his eyes. There in the shadows was Obadiah. He had almost no flesh on his bones, and his skull looked at him with glowing red eyes. "Kill him already! You owe me his death!"

Raza knocked over Tony's chair and he was now underwater. Again he pulled and tugged at his bonds, which seemed to grip him tighter and tighter like snakes. Tony's panic was boundless, he was under water, he couldn't breathe! He was going to drown! Raza bent down and put the knife to his throat. Tony tried to wriggle out of Raza's grip. But the blade quickly sliced through his throat and everything turned red and huge amounts of blood spurted...

"Tony! Wake up! TONY!"

Tony opened his eyes to see Pepper's terrified face. She was bent over him and had obviously shaken him awake. He was lying on the couch, his hands clutching the red fabric.

Red fabric... red... blood... bodies...

He suddenly felt so sick that he had to sit up, barely able to keep himself from throwing up.

"Tony?" Pepper asked, an octave higher than usual, and sat down beside him.

Breathing heavily, he noticed the stewardesses peeking out from behind the curtain, then quickly releasing it and disappearing behind it again. Had he screamed? Hopefully not...

"Just had a bad dream…" he mumbled, ashamed, trying to banish the dream from his mind.

It wasn't always specific memories that he repeated in his sleep. Sometimes it was just terrible dreams that frightened him.

"Now tell me what's wrong," Pepper said gently, putting her hand carefully on his leg. "What did you dream so bad about?"

"It's nothing," he lied, avoiding her gaze and still trying not to throw up.

"You've barely slept in weeks... Jarvis told me."

"I'm starting to get the impression that Jarvis is changing hands..."

"Please," Pepper said quietly. "It's not like I haven't noticed it myself. You look... exhausted. What's keeping you awake? Is it those nightmares?"

Tony tensed. There was no turning back now. Pepper obviously knew more than he suspected. How long had she been watching him and drawing conclusions?

"Yes," he reluctantly admitted.

Pepper's hand on his leg twitched for a moment.

"But Pepper," he added. "Please, not now. I can't... First I need..."

What he needed now was a drink. Just one, to calm down. To make the fear go away. As if the stewardesses could read minds, two came in.

"Twelve o'clock," the blonde said sweetly. "Would you like your lunch now?"

Tony didn't feel like it and Pepper didn't say anything either.

"I would prefer a bottle of champagne right now," Tony said, then quickly added. "Two glasses."

Pepper withdrew her hand and looked at him, stunned.

"No," she interjected. "We've got work to do, Tony. We have an appointment with that architect Ramirez. In a few hours."

"Just one glass then," Tony said nonchalantly, apparently having regained his composure.

"You're welcome, Mr. Stark," the stewardess said with a wink.

Without a word, Pepper sat back in her own seat, hunched over her laptop. Tony could see that her eyes didn't move and that she was only pretending to read.

He couldn't blame her. She was right. About everything. He should confide in her. Who else, if not her? No wonder she was angry. You just had to be angry with him. Always.

With a nod, Tony accepted the champagne. Just this one glass, just to slow down his pulse a bit and be able to show up a little more relaxed later. Or how was he supposed to get through all those appointments this weekend with this tremendous lack of sleep - and anxiety?

"You know you talk in your sleep, right?" Pepper asked, not taking her eyes off the laptop.

Tony ignored her and looked out the window, trying not to think about what he might have said in his dream.