Chapter 13

"...and the proceeds then go to charity. We build hospitals in developing countries, and I intend to donate some of it to organizations that fight child hunger."

"Oh, how wonderful!"

"Of course, I'll add a reasonable amount myself. I'm thinking about twenty million."

"You are such a generous man."

Tony smiled at the older woman. He had no idea who she was, although she had rushed up to him, tossing around shared memories as if she were his grandmother. Pepper stood half a step behind Tony as always, smiling patiently and kindly. The older lady launched into a long monologue about poor children in Africa, causing Tony to lean back slightly and whisper to Pepper to somehow get rid of the lady. Pepper then discreetly elbowed him in the back.

The hall Pepper had rented for the charity event was large and elegant, all gleaming white marble. It was right inside the hotel where Tony and Pepper were staying for the weekend. Half of New York's high society had come, even though Pepper had only sent out the invitations the day before yesterday. A considerable amount of money had already been raised.

Tony had been bored with the event for some time. He usually got bored relatively quickly at such events. Besides, he was still dead tired - he had managed to stay awake for the rest of the flight.

A round white bar had been set up in the middle of the hall, and Tony decided to have a drink later. Provided, of course, that this old woman - with her fur coat, but oh so good intentions - would stop bending his ears at some point.

Fortunately, a few minutes later - it was now around midnight - a DJ started playing music, whereupon the lady pulled a face, mumbled something like "this modern stuff... back in the 70s there was still good music" and then said goodbye. Before anyone else could speak to him, Tony quickly sat down at an empty table and ordered champagne.

Pepper sat down across from him and they both sighed in sync. Their eyes met and they laughed briefly. One of the waiters brought him a bottle of champagne and poured it for him.

"Maybe we should go to our rooms soon," Pepper called over the suddenly loud music. "Our schedule for tomorrow is pretty busy and we really need to get some sleep."

As if someone had flipped a switch, Tony's body tensed. Sleep? No way! He wouldn't put himself through that torture again.

"The party's just getting started," he said, even though he didn't feel like celebrating either.

Tony drank his glass in one go, then watched as some of the younger guests made their way to the prepared dance floor. Pepper seemed to know what was going on in his mind because she leaned over and gave him a worried look.

"Tony, when was the last time that you got a decent amount of sleep? You really should... get some rest."

"I'm resting right now. See? Sitting and doing nothing."

Tony reached for the bottle of champagne, but Pepper grabbed his hand to stop him.

"I know you think you need this to unwind," she said, "but I think you've had enough to drink for today."

Tony noticed immediately that Pepper had never said anything like this about his drinking and partying in all those years. Surprised, he looked from Pepper's face to her hand clasping his wrist.

He didn't even know why he had suddenly become so angry, but he could feel it boiling inside him. What did it have to do with her? What did she know about what he needed to relax?

And what business was it of hers anyway? She was his assistant, nothing more. She was supposed to organize his paperwork, answer the phone, make appointments, follow him around with important documents, and hand him some disinfectant after shaking hands. But certainly not to interfere in his private affairs.

"Get your hand off me," Tony hissed menacingly.

A wrinkle formed between Pepper's eyebrows, then she shook her head.

"We have appointments tomorrow. You need rest and a cool head."

"Hands off!"

"No! You don't sleep. You don't eat. You just drink. What you are doing here is self-destructive!"

"Maybe that's exactly what I want!" Tony returned angrily.

Pepper's furrow deepened. "Don't say that!"

Tony slapped her hand away and demonstratively took a big sip of champagne straight from the bottle.

"All right! Then keep drinking!" Pepper's voice trembled; Tony could see that she was offended - and angry - but he was so full of anger himself that he didn't care.

"You think I don't know there's something going on with you? You won't tell me what it is, but don't think I'm blind! Earlier on the plane, in your sleep, you begged someone to stop hurting you. I don't know what exactly is going on here. But apparently you can't run away from it, you have to deal with it whether you like it or not. Instead, you sit here and get drunk again! And act like an idiot, by the way."

"What do you care?!" Tony jumped up, his hands clenched into fists. "You don't understand anything, Pepper! And you never will. You don't know what I've been through!"

"You're right about that! I don't know because you won't talk to me!"

"There's nothing to talk about! Leave me alone!"

Pepper glared at him indignantly. "I'm just trying to help you!"

"But I don't need your goddamn help!" Tony shouted now, and several guests turned their heads in his direction. "Just leave me alone! I'm fine! You don't have to run after me every ten minutes to see if I've burst into tears in the meantime! I won't! So stop it and fuck off!"

Tony had barely uttered the words before he regretted them. It wasn't fair. Pepper had been trying to look out for him the whole time, always taking his side and taking care of so much more than it was her job to do. And now he was attacking her because she cared about him. He really wanted to apologize, to explain that he got carried away with his anger, that he was so frustrated by the constant reminders of Afghanistan, and that he didn't mean it. But instead he remained silent.

Pepper, on the other hand, stared at him as if he had just landed in a spaceship. She seemed shocked and disappointed, more than that. Tony couldn't stand that look, so he turned and disappeared into the crowd of people who were giving him furtive looks.

Why had he said that? Not a single rational reason came to mind. It was as if someone else had spoken out of him. His anger faded into nothingness and deep remorse took hold of him.

What he should have done was to go back and tell her that he was sorry. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

Pepper couldn't believe it. Stunned, she still sat in her chair, staring at the spot where Tony had stood just minutes before.

What was that all about? Never before had he yelled at her.

But Pepper began to suspect what was going on inside Tony. How could she believe that those three months in Afghanistan hadn't done so much damage? How could she have believed that it was only a matter of time before he processed those things. Or already had - by building Iron Man and changing his life.

Tony was suffering. She could see it. But she didn't know what she could do to ease that pain when he was pushing her away like this.

Pepper understood a little more about what might be going on inside Tony. Still, she was quite upset. He shouldn't have yelled at her. And she was also concerned about the fact that the conversation had escalated at that moment when she had tried to stop him from drinking more champagne. She could barely remember moments in the last few months when she hadn't seen Tony with a glass of alcohol in his hand...

Pepper decided to go upstairs to her room. She didn't think she could do anything today. And she would have to digest this rejection first. She would try to talk to him again tomorrow - when he was sober.

The clock struck three. Charity had given way to a merry party. As far as Tony could tell - if he was still able to tell - it was just reaching its peak. Guests were dancing on the bar and singing loudly to the songs the DJ was playing.

Tony tried to enjoy himself, there was no lack of decidedly nice company. The mood was good and the people friendly and pleasant. Once again, Tony was not alone - and yet he felt alone.

Tony sat next to a pretty young woman, an up-and-coming Hollywood actress - at least that was how she described herself, Tony had never heard of her. He only listened with half an ear and quickly put his glass aside when a couple of guests danced on the bar in front of him. The actress started talking about her numerous breast surgeries. Apparently, she had her breasts enlarged three times before admitting that they had become much too large. She then had her breasts reduced to their original size, only to find that they had become too small. So now she was having her breasts enlarged again.

"But you know," she said, seeming to think very hard. "Now I'm not so sure they're not too big again..."

Tony had to laugh hard, knocking over his glass and spilling it. The actress could not misunderstand his laughter. She gave him an offended look and disappeared without another word. The seat was immediately taken by a young man.

Tony's laughter faded and his thoughts turned to Pepper. He had behaved like an asshole; he would have to apologize to her first thing in the morning, even though he hated apologizing.

Tomorrow... it was already tomorrow. In a few hours they would have to go to their first appointment of the day. Tony didn't know how he was going to make it. He had drunk way too much and just couldn't find an end. He wanted to drown his frustration and pain, but tonight the alcohol seemed to deny him that wish. In fact, it was the opposite - Tony felt that each additional glass brought him closer to a mental breakdown. Yet somehow he couldn't stop.

Again he thought about his abduction and the terrible things that had happened to him. Not an hour went by without him thinking about it. He just had to think about it. It forced itself on him. And it made him feel so bad. He was scared all the time, he felt sick all the time, he felt like he was under constant pressure and tension. And the worst part was that he could not deal with it, which made him feel helpless, powerless, and lost. He just couldn't take it anymore. None of it. Not the insomnia, not the nightmares, not the panic attacks, not the terrifying memories, not the loneliness, not the inability to kill the Ten Rings and provide peace.

"Hey!"

The young man next to him poked him harshly in the side.

"What?" Tony asked annoyed.

Now was not the time for another petty conversation with some random guy who was convinced that Tony really needed to hear this and that story.

"Interested?" the man asked.

"What?" Tony repeated uncomprehendingly.

"You look like you might need something."

The man pulled a small bag out of his pocket and placed it on the bar. Tony stared at it, confused at first. Inside the bag was white powder... Was he being offered cocaine?

Tony looked around quickly. None of the others seemed to have noticed, or they just didn't care. Tony was about to tell the guy to fuck off, but then he hesitated. He was drunk, desperate and a nervous wreck.

"Okay," he heard himself say.

The man opened the bag and sprinkled the white powder on the bar. Then he used his invitation card to form four straight lines of coke. Tony watched like it was none of his business.

"After you," the guy said with a smile.

Tony leaned down and hesitated for a second. But then he just snorted two lines of coke before he could start an inner discussion about whether he should do it or not. The effect was immediate. Tony let out a short laugh and looked around. Suddenly he felt superior. The high was coming on so fast that he couldn't keep up with it. Wow...

Tony had had a few experiences with coke in the early 90's - good ones, admittedly - but today was like being rescued from a war zone. He suddenly felt so on top of everything.

Tony was high within seconds, and he smiled so wide he thought his mouth would stay open forever. Now he was going to survive all this shit. Tony laughed out loud, ordered another vodka and stepped up to the bar to dance with the other guests.

Hell yeah, he was back in the game!

Tony stumbled awkwardly through the crowd, irritated by the loud music and annoyed by the countless touches of people he was pushing through. He tried his best not to trip over his own feet, but failed and stumbled to the ground. Everything was spinning like crazy and he had a hard time getting back on his feet. After a few steps, however, he fell again. Two strong arms picked him up.

"You okay?" the guy yelled over the loud music.

Tony just grinned and nodded with his eyes closed before walking on. Then finally - a restroom. He pushed the door open and stumbled inside. Bile made its way up his throat and into his mouth and he quickly slid into one of the stalls before regurgitating the drinks of the last hour. What a waste.

Afterwards, he leaned his head against the toilet door and tried to ignore the bitter taste in his mouth. He could tell he was just coming down from his high - and he couldn't say he liked the feeling. In fact, it was pretty terrible.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out. It was a message from Rhodey. Something about baseball - maybe. Tony couldn't read it properly because the letters were moving too much. Also, a missed call from Pepper. He looked at the time. 5.37. Tony chuckled, at 8 he would have the appointment with the first construction company. Actually.

Tony slid the phone back into his pocket and felt a slight resistance. He reached for it and pulled out a small bag; the guy from earlier had given him an extra gram of cocaine for later. With awkward movements, Tony unlocked the stall, walked out and fell to the floor again. He just couldn't stand anymore. So he crawled over to the marble sinks, pulled himself up by them, and dumped the remains of the bag onto the surface.

Tony was aware that he was dead drunk. So drunk that he would see double if he stared at one place for too long. So he tried not to stare. He was also aware that accepting the man's offer had been one of the worst ideas ever. But when he looked at the white powder in front of him, all he could think was: Fuck it.

For a second, his eyes wandered to the mirrors in front of him. He didn't look long. He didn't want to look. With jerky movements, he used his credit card to cut the cocaine into four straight, thin lines. Then he covered one nostril and snorted two of the lines with the other, paused for a moment, and spontaneously decided to do the third line as well.

It was too much.

Tony looked back into the mirror. He could see his pupils displacing the brown iris, growing larger and larger as the euphoric effect exploded inside him. It exploded like nothing before. The anxiety was gone, the bad thoughts were gone, every little unpleasant feeling was gone. A sound of triumph escaped Tony's lips. Back in the game once again!

Then his heart began to race and the room spun at a breathtaking pace. The tiles came closer. For a moment, Tony wondered how he had gotten to the floor without noticing, but then he decided not to care. He was lying sideways. It was all right. He would just get up later. There was no hurry.

Tony tasted blood. It must have come from his nose. Indifferently, he watched it drip slowly onto the floor beside him. It wasn't much. Nothing to be alarmed about.

He felt the vomit working its way up his throat again, and there was nothing he could do about it. His stomach was desperately trying to get rid of the alcohol and was spasming violently. But he couldn't move, he couldn't turn around, he couldn't sit up.

How ironic, he thought, that this was the end. It wasn't Raza and the Ten Rings that had managed to kill him. No, he had done it himself. After a night of coke and more alcohol than he had ever managed to drink before. Right now he was the only one in the bathroom and who could say for sure when the next one would come. In ten seconds or more like ten minutes? And would he even be alive in ten minutes?

Tony couldn't feel his arms and legs. He watched the blood mix with vomit on the white marble tiles next to him.

No, he really didn't want to die. If he hadn't yelled at Pepper, she would be here now, she would have stopped him from doing such stupid things, she would have made sure that he got to the hotel room safely.

It was his own fault...

He was such an idiot.

And now he was going to die.

Alone.

In a toilet.

Puked all over.

On dirty tiles.

...

The toilet door opened slowly, and a leg leapt toward him. No, two legs. Walking. In high heels. The person was yelling at him. Tony tried to shake off the numbness and blinked a few times.

Pepper. It was definitely Pepper. Was he hallucinating now?

"Tony! My God, what have you done?" she cried hysterically, shaking him slightly. Her voice sounded distant, though.

"P-pepper... I f-fucked... u-up..."

It was difficult to speak without control of his own facial muscles. The color drained from his vision and a dull buzzing filled his ears.

"Tony! Talk to me! What-"

Tony's eyes slammed shut. He did not have the strength to open them. Nor did he have the strength to move his tongue to answer Pepper. His body was paralyzed and he felt like he was going to faint. It was probably a faint of no return. How tragic. Though the alcohol and cocaine kept away the fear he should have felt, at least he felt something else. Pain. His lungs contracted more painfully with each heavy breath, and his stomach was still trying hard to push out the last remnants of alcohol.

"Tony! TONY! Stay awake!"

But Tony couldn't stay awake. He couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't feel. Nothing but pain in his stomach.

"TONY!"

It was almost a small relief he felt as he lost the battle against fainting. His mind shut down and he slipped further and further away. Away from reality. Into nothingness.

As I promised, things were getting dramatic. Hope you enjoy Tony in trouble.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading!