Chapter 19

Two weeks later, Pepper entered Tony's house, laptop under her arm, phone to her ear. While she talked to the board's assistant about making an appointment, she walked over to the couch and set her laptop down. Tony was just coming down the stairs and he gave her a warm smile when he saw her. Pepper waved back and followed his footsteps with her eyes. Tony was dressed to the nines. He wore a tight-fitting burgundy shirt, ironed to perfection, and black business pants. In addition, he had obviously been to the hairdresser and his hair was slightly shorter and perfectly styled. It made him look outrageously handsome. Pepper bit her lip and ended the call.

"Wow, Tony," she said before she could stop herself, sitting down and opening her laptop. "You got plans for today?"

"No, why?" Tony replied casually.

"Oh, just because." Pepper knew that Tony knew exactly what she meant.

He just waved her off, though, snapping his fingers nonchalantly.

"Uh, anyway," Pepper said, trying to concentrate again. "That was just Kathy on the phone. We have a meeting with the whole board tomorrow to discuss when to go into production. It's not optional for you to be there," she added sternly when Tony made a face. "Right at twelve o'clock."

"Okay, I'll be there around one. Would you like some coffee as well?" he asked as he was already on his way to the kitchen.

"No thanks, I already had some on the way and you'll be on time tomorrow, do you hear me?"

"Sorry, I can't hear you," Pepper heard him call as he turned the corner.

Pepper shook her head in disapproval, entered the appointment into their calendar, and then paused. Her eyes fell on the spot where Tony had just disappeared. Over the past few weeks, she'd had this strange feeling. Tony seemed to be doing so much better all of a sudden. He always looked smart and well-groomed, as if he had just gotten out of the shower and then spent an hour with a stylist at any time of the day or night. He met all deadlines, took the company from 0 to 100 and exceeded all expectations. He was friendly and courteous to her, even if he was a little distant. It was all good, really. But it seemed like an act to her. Pepper was a little ashamed of that thought, because she didn't want to believe it. She wanted to trust him.

Nevertheless, she couldn't get rid of this strange feeling and of a certain thought. This coffee thing seemed strange to her. Whereas he used to send others to get him coffee, he now always disappeared to make it himself. And while he used to prefer espresso shots, now it felt like he was filling canisters of black coffee several times a day.

Although she didn't want to, Pepper got up and went to the kitchen as well. As she turned the corner, she saw him standing in front of the portafilter machine with his back to her. Pepper quietly stepped through the door and was completely unprepared to see Tony take four or five heavy swigs straight from a bottle of vodka and then pour a smaller amount into his coffee mug.

"I knew it," Pepper said, staring at him in complete disbelief.

Tony was startled and spilled a little vodka until he caught himself and held the bottle upright again.

"I knew something was off," Pepper said, noticing that her voice was shaking. "You never stopped, did you?"

Pepper could literally see it rattling around in Tony's brain, desperately searching for a convenient excuse, a typical Tony Stark move that would get him out of a tight spot as usual.

"No, I didn't stop," he said instead, suddenly appearing completely calm.

"You've been lying to me all along."

"I haven't lied to you once."

"You know exactly what I mean! You led me to believe that you had stopped drinking. But you secretly... what? Poured vodka in your coffee? Are you serious?"

"Pepper..." Tony looked resigned as he said her name. He calmly closed the bottle and put it back in the cabinet.

"Yes?" she asked when he made no attempt to continue. "Why are you doing this? I don't understand. You said you understood the gravity of the situation. The fact that you almost died of alcohol poisoning just doesn't bother you, does it? You just don't care. You go on like this."

"I do care..."

"I know I'm just your assistant; you have your life, I have mine. But I'm telling you now in no uncertain terms. You have a massive drinking problem, Tony."

Now Tony laughed, while Pepper gave him an irritated look.

"And you think I don't know that?" he asked with raised eyebrows. "Pepper, I tried to quit after you asked me to."

"But?" Pepper asked, watching with trepidation as he drank from his 'coffee'.

"But I couldn't," he replied and then walked past her out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

Pepper followed him, she wasn't going to let him get away with this. "Tony! We're not done yet! All this acting the last few weeks, did you put it on for me? While you've been drinking in secret?"

Pepper caught up with Tony, grabbed his wrist and forced him to look her in the eye.

"I did everything you asked," Tony said. "I went to all the meetings, developed new products for the company, reviewed and signed everything you put in front of me. Isn't that enough for you? Isn't that what you wanted?"

Tony looked her straight in the eye, and Pepper couldn't see any sign of remorse or shame, in fact she couldn't see any emotion at all, which worried her even more. How was she going to get through to him?

"Are you serious?" Pepper asked, sensing that his words had hurt her. "I didn't want you to put on a play for me, I wanted you to take care of yourself. And you promised you would."

Tony shrugged, still looking at her in the same way. She still couldn't read his expression.

"I don't get it! Why don't you stop if you know it's completely destructive?"

"Because I can't, Pepper!" he said now with emphasis. "I get... symptoms when I don't drink."

"Symptoms? What... you mean... withdrawal symptoms?" Pepper asked, feeling the shock run through her limbs.

Suddenly she felt freezing cold, and a humming filled her ears as Tony nodded slightly. There was a brief pause during which Pepper felt as if a swarm of bees were buzzing in her head.

"I honestly don't know what to say. I don't understand how this could happen..." Pepper tried to collect herself and keep her head as cool as possible, but it was not working. "Tony, every time something upsets you or stresses you out, you run away and get drunk. I know it seems like it helps you... and it probably does to keep some emotions more under control. But in the end, it just makes things worse. And come on, Tony, you know that. You are working relentlessly on doing harm to yourself..."

Tony made a face and then looked down at the ground. "I can't stop," he said quietly. "I can't."

"Why not? What is it all about? Is it still the nightmares?" Pepper asked desperately.

Tony laughed again and then ruffled his hair. "Yes. Because of the nightmares..."

She couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic. "Tony, why don't you talk to me?"

"It's not just the nightmares!" Tony snapped, his voice suddenly much louder. "I have panic attacks, anxiety, flashbacks, the whole nine yards! Do you know what I see every time the memories catch up with me?" He looked at her again, his big brown eyes full of pain, but everything else was filled with rage. "How I'm being tortured! How the terrorists keep pushing my head under water until I feel like I'm drowning! Or how I drive through the desert with the soldiers, they all get shot, and then a missile with Stark Industries on it hits next to me! Or how Yinsen is lying in front of me, covered in blood, dying! I can't take it anymore, Pepper! And I have nothing to fight it with - except this." He raised his mug.

Pepper felt as if a ton of cement had just fallen on her and crushed her completely. So, this was what he had endured? This was what had happened in Afghanistan? This was how they'd tortured him? But before she could respond, the front door opened, and they both whirled around. It was Rhodey, apparently back from Iraq. He had obviously come straight from the airport, carrying a large duffel bag that he left in the foyer. Pepper realized that the last time Rhodey had seen Tony was before New York, before things had gone downhill, and that he had probably wanted to see him very badly for some time now.

"Tony!" he called and with a few quick steps he crossed the room, looked at Tony for a moment and then hugged him. "Man, Tony, I am so glad to see you! I'm sorry I couldn't come to the hospital. I wish I could have been there. You gave me quite a scare."

Tony looked stunned for a moment, and it seemed like he just wanted to let the hug wash over him, but then he put his arms around Rhodey as well. And then Pepper watched in astonishment as Tony closed his eyes and suddenly leaned into the hug, as if desperately wanting to be held. He seemed starved, as if he had needed it for months and no one had ever thought to just give him a hug. It hurt Pepper almost more to see that than what he had just told her. Her guilty conscience kicked in for putting Tony through the wringer like that. But she knew there was no other way. Tony had to come to his senses. If he really was already experiencing withdrawal symptoms, every day counted for him to stop.

"How are you?" Rhodey said and finally broke the embrace, his hand still on Tony's arm. His smile faded when neither Pepper nor Tony said anything, staring at the floor instead.

"Did I interrupt something?" he asked, looking at both of them in turn. "Tony? Pepper? Did you... fight... or?"

Neither of them said anything. Pepper thought it was up to Tony to explain what was going on. Besides, she didn't want to embarrass him. He should be given the opportunity to do it himself. But Tony just stared dejectedly at the floor. Then a shudder went through Pepper, and she held her breath - because it looked like Tony was on the verge of tears, his eyes turning red and watery.

"What's wrong?" Rhodey asked bewildered, obviously seeing it too.

"Sir," Jarvis broke the silence, and all three jumped. "Natasha Romanoff has entered the premises, accompanied by Phil Coulson and Nick Fury."

"Now?" Pepper asked.

"Now," Jarvis replied.

"Oh yeah, I saw a car outside..." Rhodey said absentmindedly.

At this point, Pepper felt like nothing but chaos. What did they want from him? And why did it have to be now? She saw Tony take a deep breath and then stand up straighter.

Coulson was the first to enter the room, nodding stiffly to all three of them.

"Phil, it's good to see you," Pepper greeted him warmly, even though it wasn't true at that moment.

Coulson was followed by Romanoff and Fury.

"Natasha! Finally," Tony said, his voice now strong and calm, and Romanoff gave him a quick wink.

"Stark," Fury greeted without looking at him. "Ah, and this must be Pepper Potts. I've certainly heard a lot about you."

Pepper smiled briefly but knew it must look distinctly tense.

"And this is Colonel Rhodes of the Air Force, Director," Coulson explained, gesturing quickly to Rhodey.

"Ah," Fury said, seemingly uninterested. "Pleased."

Rhodey nodded curtly.

"Now, Stark," Fury said. "Agent Romanoff told me of your concerns, and we'd like to discuss them."

"What concerns?" Pepper asked, confused. "What is this about?"

Fury glanced at his wristwatch, as if to indicate that he didn't want to waste any of his expensive time.

"I want to find the Ten Rings and kill them all," Tony muttered firmly.

"What?" Pepper exclaimed.

Tony had said it with such coldness that she could hardly believe it. The man who was drunk all the time, almost crying and lying in Rhodey's arms a moment ago, now wanted to go and kill terrorists.

"We'll talk about this later," Tony said, pushing the mug into Rhodey's hand and leading the three visitors into his study.

Pepper was about to protest, but Rhodey put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. Instead, he sniffed at the mug in irritation and made a face.

"Woah, what..." he said, turning to her, confused and nervous. "Pepper... please tell me everything. What the hell is going on here?"

Tony gestured to the long table. Fury and Coulson sat on one side, Tony and Natasha on the other.

"Well, well," Fury began, leaning back casually. "So, Stark... you want to kill the Ten Rings, yeah?"

Tony was already a bit annoyed by Fury's flippant language, as if mocking him for his choice of words.

"A reporter tipped me off that they were in -" Tony began.

"Yeah, yeah. I already know all that from Agent Romanoff," Fury waved off, infuriating Tony.

"Well, if you already know everything, we can skip that part and get right to planning. Where are the Ten Rings? Where do I find them?"

"Slow down, Stark," Fury said, giving Tony a sharp look. "I'm afraid there's one crucial point we can't skip."

"And that would be?" Tony asked impatiently.

"Your fitness."

"My - what?"

"Fit-ness," Fury repeated, putting his right hand in a thinker's pose as he watched Tony most closely.

"Thank you, Captain Blackbeard, for the clarification," Tony growled, looking deliberately at Fury's eye patch.

Fury frowned, but Tony could have sworn he saw Coulson smirk out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm questioning your fitness to go out on a mission. We're not just going to let you walk blindly into the next bullet if it can be prevented."

"What do you mean, 'let you'? I don't work for you! I'm not a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, I'm free to do what I want."

"That's true. But you want our help."

Tony's anger grew. It was true. He wanted information. But he wasn't going to beg for it.

"I just need to know where they are."

"And I need to know if you're ready."

His eyes glittering with anger, Tony shifted restlessly in his chair.

"Mr. Stark," Coulson interjected now. "We don't want to get in your way. We..."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that it has come to our attention that you are - how shall I put it - not quite fit on a ... mental level ... at the moment," Coulson opined.

"What?" Tony looked at them uncomprehendingly.

Fury held out his hand to Coulson, who slid a file into it. Then Fury flipped through a few pages. Tony could make out a lot of paperwork and a few photographs. One of them showed the hole in his house that had been caused by the terrorists.

"Is that -"

"Your file? Yes."

"Why do I have -"

"A file? Because you revealed your identity as Iron Man and are now under our surveillance. And I told you that when we first met: The Avenger's Initiative is looking for reinforcements, and we are keeping an eye on possible candidates. So... Ah yes, here it is. Well, as luck would have it, we also have some updated information from Agent Romanoff about your current condition."

"Wait. What is this? Information from Agent Romanoff?" Tony gave Natasha a quick look before turning back to Fury. He had a very bad feeling. "Did she... what information?"

"I was sent here to create a detailed profile of you and to monitor and categorize you and your activities accordingly," Natasha said quietly.

"What?" Tony exclaimed, turning back to her. "I thought you were in charge of the security measures."

"Not exactly. I was in charge of the profile and reinforcing the team in case of danger." Tony noticed that Natasha was now avoiding looking at him.

"Let's just have a look at this," Fury interjected and started to read out loud. "It says here that you are arrogant, narcissistic, eccentric, reckless, easily irritated, impulsive and self-destructive. Interestingly, according to this report, you haven't worn your Iron Man armor once since the incident in Gulmira and the subsequent attack here at the house. You're easily distracted and respond to every flirt, even when you know it's inappropriate. You are not able to stick to agreements or work in a team. You do everything on your own and never listen to anyone, which repeatedly puts you in dangerous situations. You have no other way of dealing with emotions than suppressing them with alcohol, nearly killing yourself with alcohol poisoning and cocaine overdose. And you're not stable on an emotional level at the moment."

"I'm not - what?" Tony could barely keep up with all the assessments of him.

"Emotionally stable. Agent Romanoff is not a psychologist or anything. But she did add your patient file from New York."

Tony looked at Natasha incredulously.

"It says you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder with flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. In addition, you seem to be suffering from a massive sleep disorder and have been trying to self-medicate with alcohol for some time." Fury closed the file and looked back at Tony. "Frankly, this is not good. You seem pretty damaged to me, Stark. I find the evaluation conclusive and understandable. It seems to fit... as does the fact that you're sitting drunk at this table right now."

"I haven't even had a drink -"

"I can smell the alcohol all the way over here."

There was a long pause. Tony was seething with anger. Natasha had included all of this in her report on him? And now Fury wasn't even giving him a chance to explain himself, just hitting him with one insolence after another? Not a single positive aspect in this whole file?

"This isn't about some mission or some excuse to be a hero or to make me look good," Tony said then, trying to speak calmly. "This is about the men who held me captive, who tortured me and forced me to build a weapon for them. Can't you understand why this is so important to me?"

"Oh yes, of course I can understand," Fury replied. "Just as I can understand what this has done to you. But it also means you need to take care of yourself before you go back into combat."

"The Ten Rings is a dangerous terrorist organization," Coulson added. "These people have already proven that they can strike back and do great damage. They also seem to be working with great zeal to target you specifically, Stark. Those magnets almost got you. If we hadn't been there that day, you would have either been shot in your home or your reactor would have stopped. That would have been a short tenure as Iron Man."

"Bullshit!" Tony yelled. "Why are you being so obstructive? We could work together, we could have stopped this probably months ago! Why don't you want to help me?"

"We do want to help you," Coulson said in a calm voice. "But the best way we can help you right now is to make sure you stay away from all of this until you are better."

"I can't believe this!"

"Stark, you are out of control," Fury said, now leaning forward. He gave Tony a penetrating look and then spoke the next words very slowly and with great emphasis. "Almost everything that has gone wrong in the last few months has been a product of your own actions. Not everything, of course, but far too much. What you need is to realize that you are completely out of control. Limits apply to you too. And if you're not going to set limits for yourself, then we have to."

Tony felt disarmed. They weren't even giving him a chance.

Why did Fury and Coulson come if it was clear from the beginning that they would abandon him?

"Why did you bring them here?" he snapped at Natasha. "You said you were going to talk to Coulson! You said you would help me!"

Natasha scratched her chin, visibly uncomfortable.

"I said I'd talk to them, and I did," she said quietly. "They're both here. And this was your chance, Tony."

"What chance?" Tony shouted indignantly. "Your report ruined everything!"

"But that's the way it is!" Natasha countered, also angry. "I have been watching you spiral down for quite some time now. And it's coming to a point where you have to acknowledge it."

"I thought you'd be on my side!"

"I am! I promised to talk to them and ask them if they would come here. That is what we agreed."

"Is that so? That all sounded a bit different the night we kissed!"

There was another pause, but this time the silence was of a different nature. Fury and Coulson exchanged glances before frowning at Natasha. Natasha's expression changed from surprise to disbelief.

"Is that true?" Fury asked, his voice dangerously calm.

Natasha didn't answer. She was now staring at Tony with the utmost disgust.

"Natasha?" Coulson asked.

She finally turned away and looked her superiors in the eye.

"Did you kiss Stark?" Coulson asked insistently.

"Yes," she replied conscientiously. "But that was just part of the flirting you asked me to do. It was just to make the point. As I said in the report, he easily falls for-"

"And you had to make that point by kissing him? Well, it's new to me that we asked you to do that."

Another short pause.

"I knew you were playing games with me, Natasha," Tony said furiously. "But I didn't know you were such a cold bitch! This is crazy!"

"You are crazy!" Natasha retorted in annoyance.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Fury interrupted, slamming his hands on the table. "You two! We're not in kindergarten anymore! Jesus... Things seem to be going haywire around here. Is everyone just doing whatever they want?"

Both Natasha and Tony remained stubbornly silent.

"You are off this case effective immediately, Romanoff," Fury said. "Coulson?"

"Yes, sir. Um..." Coulson said, seeming to think for a moment. "Natasha, you will be assigned to the New Mexico unit."

"New Mexico?" Romanoff asked incredulously.

"Effective immediately," Coulson insisted.

Natasha didn't move. She seemed to be simmering on the inside.

"You have something to say, Romanoff?" Fury asked, now a little louder. "No? Then go. You're off the Iron Man case until further notice."

Natasha stood, then leaned ominously toward Tony. "Well done, you idiot!" she hissed in an icy voice before storming out of the room.

Again, Fury and Coulson looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Our team remains in place for your safety," Fury said then, addressing Tony. "That's the most important thing we can do right now. And in the meantime, you should try to get your shit together. Then we'll get back to this. Okay? That's not a 'no', that's just a 'not yet'."

Tony was silent, now staring out the window. A hurricane of rage washed over him. He was so angry that he couldn't bring himself to make a single sound.

"Well then, Stark."

Fury and Coulson stood up. Tony ignored the goodbyes. He continued to stare out the window. So S.H.I.E.L.D. was not going to help him. They were leaving him behind.

Gradually, his anger turned into something else, but Tony didn't want to know what that something else was.

"Jarvis, are you there?" he asked, standing up.

"At your service, sir."

"Tell Happy I need a ride. I'm going out."

"As you wish."

As he left the study, he ran into Pepper and Rhodey, who immediately started to pounce on him. Tony decided not to listen, to ignore everything and to block it out. A short time later, he found himself in the back seat of his car, on his way to Los Angeles with only one mission: distraction.