Chapter 22

Tony sat in his dark living room and stared at the empty whiskey bottle in front of him. Over the past few months, he had managed to alienate himself from everyone he cared about. Pepper had turned her back on him, repulsed by his incessant drinking and reckless behavior. She had finally quit and left, leaving a void that no one would ever be able to fill. Rhodey, who had always been by his side, had also given up trying to help him. After numerous other arguments and futile attempts to get through to him, he too had stopped trying to reach out. Natasha and Coulson were long gone, and the only company he had left were Agents Shaw and Bennett. But even they hardly said a word to him, just did their duty and left him alone. Even Happy, the most loyal of all the people at his side, could not hide his disapproval. His behavior had become reserved and distant, but it was also understandable because Tony was no longer pleasant company.

Tony reached for another bottle of whiskey, his hands shaking slightly. Opening a bottle had become a routine, a mechanical motion he repeated countless times a day.

In the first few weeks after Pepper left, Tony had tried to move on somehow. He had tried to get things back on track at Stark Industries. He had held hour-long meetings, placated the board, and given the green light to new productions. But with each passing week, his presence grew less frequent, his efforts more half-hearted. Finally, he gave up altogether and retreated to the solitude of his home. Alcohol became his constant companion, his only escape from the painful reality. Every day he got a little more drunk, sinking deeper into an abyss of self-pity and hopelessness.

Reality faded to the edges of his mind. But the peace he sought never came. His days and nights merged into each other. He no longer knew what day of the week it was, nor did he care. He sat down in the workshop, trying to come up with new ideas for his suit with Jarvis, but the images on the screen no longer made sense to him. Sometimes Happy spoke to him, but he didn't really hear the words.

Tony tried to maintain his physical appearance, as if he could fool himself. He showered, shaved regularly, and dressed neatly, as if this superficial tidiness could hide his inner brokenness. But even the neat facade couldn't hide the deep despair lurking in his eyes. The bottles piled around him were silent witnesses to his progressive decline. Even the pain of the stab wound quickly paled in comparison to the mental pain that relentlessly gnawed at him.

The outside world no longer existed for him. The innovations, the projects, the responsibilities - all had become meaningless. His life had been reduced to a single goal: the constant pursuit of numbness.

Pepper sat in her car in the parking lot, her hands tightly gripping the steering wheel. She had just finished her ninth job interview since she quit Stark Industries. Again, the interview had gone extremely well and, as on all the other occasions, she had been offered the job on the spot. But once again, she had turned it down. There was always something that made her unhappy, always something that was unacceptable at the new company.

Pepper had already given up kidding herself. She knew for herself that she hadn't accepted another job because she really wanted to continue working at Stark Industries. She could have done that, there was more than just the job as Tony's assistant. Some people would have liked her in their department and if it was back to accounting. But she felt it was important to make a clean break.

Pepper let out a sigh of frustration and wondered if she should pick up something to eat on the way home or maybe cook something herself so she would at least have something to do. It was unusual for her to have so much free time and it wasn't something she was very good at.

Suddenly there was a familiar buzzing sound and the display in her car lit up. Jarvis was contacting her. Her heart sank and she hesitated before answering the call.

"Jarvis?" she asked uncertainly.

"Miss Potts, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a serious problem with Mr. Stark," Jarvis said, his voice sounding unusually concerned. "He is about to give himself alcohol poisoning. He ignores all my warnings, and I'm not allowed to call an ambulance. And I'm muted now."

Pepper closed her eyes and rested her head on the headrest. This couldn't be true. Would it never end?

"Jarvis, I can't do this anymore. Call Shaw or Bennett."

"Agents Shaw and Bennett aren't on duty tonight. You're the only one I could reach," Jarvis replied.

Pepper felt her frustration grow. "The only one? What about the other agents on the estate? What about Phil?"

"No one is answering my calls. I'm sorry, Miss Potts. I wouldn't be calling if there was any other way."

Pepper groaned. She didn't want to go there. She didn't want to be dragged back into that world, a world that had been so hard to leave.

"You're telling me you couldn't find another way? You, Tony's AI?"

"Mr. Stark has severely limited my options. My calculations have determined that calling you is the best of them. I understand your concern, but I'm afraid the situation is serious. If you don't intervene, it could become life-threatening."

Pepper squeezed her eyelids shut. She could already feel herself giving in, even though it shouldn't be an option.

"And what do you want me to do? Should I call an ambulance to his house?" she asked.

"He doesn't need a doctor yet, he needs someone to stop him. I'd prefer you to come."

Pepper slammed her hands on the wheel and stared out the windshield.

"Miss Potts?"

"All right, Jarvis. I'm coming," she finally said resignedly.

Pepper started the engine and drove through the evening streets, her thoughts a mess. She had spent the last four months trying to stay away from Tony, trying to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. But every day she had felt how much she missed him. A constant and violent tug inside her, a painful longing that threatened to consume her.

Even though she knew she shouldn't go to him, that maybe she should just call an ambulance no matter what Jarvis said, there was a part of her that missed him so much that she couldn't help it. As if a part of her had been waiting hopefully all this time for a reason to do so. A part that still hoped that Tony could change, that he would get better. Pepper had wanted to stay strong, had kept telling herself that distance was the best thing for her. But now, after just one phone call from Jarvis, she was back on the road to disaster. Her worry and excitement were now compounded by shame.

"Why am I doing this?" she wondered aloud as she stopped at a red light.

Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt torn between wanting to help him and wanting to protect herself. She thought of all the good times she had spent with Tony, of his smile, of the way he sometimes looked at her for a brief moment as if she were the only thing that mattered to him. Thousands of good memories flooded her mind and she couldn't - no, she didn't want to - accept that this was all she had left of him. Memories. When she thought of him, she saw his big brown eyes with the long lashes, she saw the styled hair and the characteristic beard. She could almost smell his light and beguiling aftershave and hear his voice and the snappy things he used to say. There was a part of her that couldn't let go, that still hoped things would be different. That longing was too strong to deny. So she drove on.

When Pepper arrived at Tony's estate a little later, she parked her car and immediately noticed the agents standing outside the gate. It wasn't Shaw or Bennett, but their faces were familiar. A brief flash of anger rose in her. Jarvis could have just called these men. The agents gave her a quick glance, a curt nod, and made no move to stop her as she headed for the door.

"Did Jarvis call you?" Pepper asked.

"Jarvis? No," one of them replied, giving her an irritated look. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"Never mind," Pepper growled, her anger rising again.

Had Tony used Jarvis to lure her here? Or had Tony really put his AI on such a short leash that he couldn't think of anything else to do? Pepper swallowed her anger and kept walking. Now that she was this close to seeing him again, she didn't want to turn back.

As Pepper unlocked the door, she inhaled the familiar mild scent of Tony's house. Jarvis seemed very pleased to see her. He informed her that Tony was in the workshop and immediately turned on the lights for her. This alarmed Pepper. She was hoping that Tony wasn't in too bad of a condition yet. Before entering the room, she paused for a moment to prepare herself for what was to come.

In the workshop she found Tony half sitting, half lying on the floor, his head back against the wall, completely disoriented. A bottle of vodka in his hand was swinging dangerously from side to side, and his half-closed eyes were darting around, unable to fix on anything. Pepper swallowed hard. The sight nearly choked her.

But she stepped closer, knelt before him and took the bottle from his hand. Tony let it go without resisting, as if he had barely noticed anyone was there. Pepper could see the deep circles under his eyes, the unhealthy glow on his face, and she realized what the last four months had been like for him.

"Tony," she said softly but firmly.

He didn't answer, just looked at her in silence, as if her voice was reaching him through a thick fog. So it had been Jarvis' idea to call her. Tony would have been unable to give him instructions. Pepper fought back tears. What now? At least he still seemed to be conscious, so she had arrived in time before he might have drunk the rest of the bottle. Maybe he just needed to sleep this off now.

"Come on, Tony, let's get you into bed," she finally said, not knowing what else to do.

She put his arm over her shoulder and tried to pull him to his feet, which took an extraordinary amount of strength. Tony swayed and leaned heavily against her.

Together they stumbled to the stairs. She tried to ignore the strong alcoholic haze that surrounded him as she tried to push him up. Every step was a struggle, and it was more of a pull and push than an actual walk. When they finally reached the top floor, Tony got stuck on the top step and fell. Pepper had no chance to catch him.

"My God..." she gasped in frustration, now understanding why Jarvis had pulled the emergency brake rather than risk him getting dead drunk. "Can you get up?"

Tony could only mumble unintelligibly and she was unsure if he had understood her at all. If he had even noticed that she was here. With all her strength and effort, she somehow managed to move him towards the bedroom. But when they got stuck at the door again, it was clear that they would never reach the bed. Tony sank to the floor, unable to get up.

Exhausted, Pepper gave up, went to the bed, picked up a pillow and a blanket, and returned to Tony. Then she carefully placed the pillow under his head, covered him with the blanket and made sure he was lying on his side, just to be safe.

Pepper stood in front of him for a while and watched him fall into a restless sleep. The reality of his situation weighed heavily on her, and she tried to organize her thoughts. Deep down she knew she couldn't take it. She simply couldn't bear to see him so broken and helpless, and the constant fear for him was wearing on her nerves.

At the same time, she felt the familiar strong attraction to him. Even now, she felt that pull threatening to suck her back into his world. She missed him terribly and it gave her something to be so close to him even though he wasn't really there. But there was nothing to sugarcoat, it had obviously been the right decision to quit and stay away. Because unfortunately nothing had changed.

Tony awoke with a pounding headache and a sinking feeling in his stomach. His back ached, the floor underneath him felt hard. After a heavy sigh, he struggled to open his eyes. It was bright and he was lying sideways on the floor. He couldn't even remember how he got there. Slowly he sat up and promptly looked at Pepper's face, which made him wince in surprise. He could hardly believe it. Of all the things he had expected, this was certainly the least likely. Pepper was here. A painful feeling spread through him, but it was paired with a familiar warmth. She was really here.

"Oh... hi." His voice was hoarse and croaky.

Pepper looked tired. She was sitting in an armchair against the wall, wrapped in a light blanket.

"When did you get here?" he asked.

"Last night."

Pepper's voice was cool, her expression motionless. Something must have happened, he could feel it, but all Tony could remember was that he'd been in the workshop for hours yesterday, drinking a fair amount of vodka until he blacked out.

"Did we... fight or something?" It sounded stupid.

Pepper shook her head. She waited until Tony had gotten up from the floor and was sitting on the bed instead, the hangover clearly visible on his face.

"I came over here late last night because Jarvis called me," she began.

"He did?" Tony said. He didn't know what else to say. The surprise of suddenly sitting across from Pepper again after months of silence overwhelmed him. Tony's mind was racing. She had come to him and had obviously been sitting here with him all night.

"Jarvis said you were giving yourself alcohol poisoning."

Tony felt numb. The words didn't quite register, maybe because he was so hungover. And God, yes, he was in desperate need of a drink.

"It's good to see you," was what came out of his mouth.

Apparently he had said something wrong, because Pepper jumped up angrily and the blanket fell to the floor.

"Is that all you want to say? I was here all night. I saw you. You didn't even recognize me, you couldn't walk by yourself, you couldn't talk. It was awful, it was disgusting! Aren't you going to say anything about that?" Pepper seemed really mad now.

But Tony still didn't know what to say. He was an alcoholic. What did she expect?

"Okay," Pepper sighed. "Nothing has changed. So I'm leaving again."

It was a few small words, but they cut into Tony's guts like sharp knives.

"I don't know what else to do. You're not talking to me. And I can't do anything about it."

Tony felt fear well up inside of him somewhere, but at the same time it all seemed strangely distant.

"Why won't you talk to me?!" Pepper shouted now.

Tony's mouth opened, but no sound came out. He didn't want her to go. Just tell her! Tell her not to go!

Tony's mouth closed again and Pepper rolled her eyes. The moment was over, Tony could feel it. He had screwed up. It was over. He had lost her. Again. This time for good.

"Okay... so this is it," Pepper whispered sadly, fighting back tears. "Then... goodbye, Tony."

She turned, almost fleeing, and hurried down the stairs. And that's when Tony suddenly felt an intense panic inside of him. He felt like he couldn't breathe anymore.

"No, no, no..." he muttered and stood up.

Something had flipped a switch inside of him all of a sudden. He couldn't lose her again. He wouldn't survive that. He needed her. If she really left, if she left him again... he wouldn't be able to take it. Panic washed over him like a tsunami as he clumsily tried to run after her.

"Pepper!" he called after her. "Pepper, please wait!"

They had been in this situation before, and once again Pepper had no intention of stopping. As he jumped down the last few steps, he saw her hurrying down the hallway and just reaching the front door. Tony ran after her, but he couldn't catch his breath. And then his throat closed completely. Everything was spinning and Tony stumbled. He braced himself against the wall with his left hand to keep from falling and stopped. His vision narrowed as the tsunami of panic engulfed him like a monster.

"Pepper..." he gasped, blind with fear, and he knew it sounded like a whimper. "Oh God..."

Tony clutched his chest as it felt like the arc reactor had stopped again. He couldn't take another step; he couldn't even feel his legs. Tony sank down the wall and realized he was hyperventilating. Black dots swam in front of his eyes because he was breathing too hard and too fast. But he couldn't control it anymore. Now he had lost Pepper forever. He had lost everything. Tears made their way out of his eyes and dripped onto the floor in front of him. He felt like he was going to die.

Then suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Tony looked up and saw Pepper kneeling next to him. She wasn't gone, she hadn't left! He tried to say her name, but he couldn't. Instead, the hyperventilation was getting worse.

"Tony... calm down. Try to breathe easy. In and out, very slowly. Just like me, look."

Pepper modeled her breathing for him, and since it was the only thing he could hold on to at the moment, he tried to imitate it. It didn't work very well at first, but Pepper talked him through it, her voice soft and gentle. After a while he succeeded and his breathing became a little more regular and slower. Silent tears were still streaming down Tony's face and finally a sob escaped his lips.

How had he let it come to this? He had ruined everything. For so long he had only thought of himself and didn't realize how much he was hurting others. He also realized how much he needed this kind of self-destruction to protect himself from unbearable emotional pain. But now it all came crashing down on him. The thoughts raced. They circled around the early death of his parents, his loneliness, the broken friendship with Rhodey, the loss of Pepper, the captivity, the betrayal of Obadiah, the numerous lives on his conscience...

"Pepper," he sobbed and looked at her. "Help me... please help me..."

Pepper looked back at him for a moment, then she pulled him close to her and took him in her arms. Tony was surprised for a moment, but then he felt the warmth of her body, the tenderness of her touch, and he realized how he could let go. Because Pepper was there, holding him.