Chapter 30

Tony had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed since becoming sober. The flood of emotions he hadn't felt in months - or, to be honest, years - due to alcohol dulling his senses was intense. Joy, sadness, anger, fear - they all hit him with a force he hadn't anticipated. What frustrated him even more was the return of his nightmares and panic attacks, something that had lessened when he started dating Pepper, but now came back with a vengeance. It felt like a betrayal; as if his own mind was fighting against the stability he was trying to build. Or against the happiness he wished for with Pepper.

The weeks flew by. It had been three months since Tony had gone through withdrawal. He and Pepper spent most of their time together. Pepper made sure that Tony had enough to do. She made sure he went with her to Stark Industries to work and to rebuild the trust that Tony had damaged with his absence and behavior. She took him on her jogging laps and had the cook prepare particular meals to help him regain his weight and eat healthy. She kept Tony moving, which was certainly good for him. Rhodey also checked in with him regularly and made him talk a lot about what he was doing and how he was feeling.

But Tony was also overwhelmed. He still didn't know where his head was at. He still had no idea what to do next. Tony tried to accept that. It would just take time. But time passed. Weeks of deep love and passion. But also full of anxiety and panic, as these two companions had quietly moved back in with him, and the lease seemed permanent. Tony couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

One evening Tony found himself teetering on the brink of a precipice. The day had been brutal for him. From the moment he woke up, a heavy sense of dread clung to him, seeping into every part of his day. The meetings at Stark Industries were grueling - endless discussions about projects to be put into production, and decisions from which he felt completely detached. Every time someone asked for his input, he could feel the anxiety tighten its grip around his chest, something he had never felt before in his life. Being CEO had always been easy for him. Not today.

At one point, during a particularly tense moment, something triggered a flashback to Afghanistan. It wasn't even a specific memory - just the sound of a heavy door falling slamming - but it sent him spiraling. The walls of the room he was in suddenly seemed to breathe, all eyes were on him as if they could see right into his head, and he had to excuse himself to calm down in his office.

As the day wore on, the anxiety intensified, growing into a crushing weight that made it hard to think clearly. By the time he left the office, he was mentally and emotionally exhausted, wanting nothing more than a door to close behind him. Pepper was already home, having prepared a presentation on the Stark Tower that Tony would be giving next week. Tony could see that she noticed his stress immediately. But when she asked him about it, he just joked, not wanting to add fuel to the fire of his emotions.

As they ate in the dining room, the need to escape, to drown out the anxiety, became almost unbearable. The feeling of being too much for everyone, even for Pepper, crept in.

The thought of numbing himself, if only for a moment, was tempting. But he knew what that would lead to, and the shame of even considering it gnawed at him.

Tony kept his struggles away from Pepper, not wanting to burden her with his inner chaos. Even though he knew she had already noticed it. But he was afraid that one day she might get tired of him if he kept on feeling bad, not being his usual self.

And tonight something was different. As they sat in the living room, Pepper working on her laptop while Tony pretended to watch the news on TV, the intense pressure came crashing down. He couldn't shake the images from his flashbacks, nor the heavy anxiety that clung to him like a shadow.

"Tony, talk to me. Is something wrong?" Pepper asked him twice, but Tony just shook his head and stared at the TV.

Pepper kept looking at him, making it difficult for Tony to pretend he was okay. So, in a moment of desperation, he grabbed his car keys and headed for the garage.

"I need some air," was the only thing he muttered.

"Wait," he heard Pepper calling after him. "Tony, wait. What's wrong? Where are you going?"

But Tony was already jumping down the stairs, not looking back at Pepper's worried expression.

He drove around aimlessly. He knew he was slipping and felt the familiar urge to drown his feelings in alcohol. Just the thought of it made him feel both relieved and disgusted. He stopped at a quiet spot overlooking the ocean, the sound of waves crashing against the shore somewhat soothing.

Standing there, staring at the dark water, Tony felt the weight of his sobriety.

Tony grabbed a rock and threw it into the ocean, screaming loudly. A few seagulls screamed back and he looked at them, wishing to be free like them, wishing to just fly away.

And then he felt a pang of clarity. He could do this. He could just put on his suit and fly away. He could get drunk and run away from it all. But that wasn't who he wanted to be. He couldn't go back to that life, not after all the progress he'd made. Drowning in alcohol and losing everything he cared about just for an easy escape. He knew where that would take him. He had been there before.

Taking a deep breath, Tony calmed down a bit, got back in the car and drove back home. He pulled into the driveway, dreading the conversation that awaited him.

Inside, Pepper paced the living room, her face a mixture of worry and anger. When she saw him, her face hardened.

"Before you say anything, I'm sorry," Tony said quickly.

"Where the hell have you been?" Pepper snapped, her voice sharp with anger. "You just left without saying a word. Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

Tony rubbed his temples, feeling the headache coming on. This wasn't going to be a walk in the park.

"I needed to clear my head. I just needed some space."

Pepper's eyes flashed with frustration. "Space? To do what, Tony? You can't just take off when things get tough. I thought... I thought you might be drinking."

"I wasn't... But I wanted to," he admitted, his voice rough. "It's hard, Pep. The feelings, the anxiety, the nightmares. It's like everything's hitting me at once."

Pepper's expression softened for a moment before hardening again.

"I understand that it's hard. But running away isn't the answer. How am I supposed to trust you if you keep shutting me out?"

"It's not about trust, Pepper!" Tony exclaimed frustrated. "It's about having to deal with things on my own sometimes."

"No, it's about your lack of commitment," Pepper shot back, her voice rising. "You can't keep using 'space' as an excuse to avoid facing things. If we're going to be together, you need to trust me enough to let me in. I can't live with this constant fear that you'll disappear and I won't know where you are or if you're okay."

Tony was torn between a stab of guilt and a rising wave of defensiveness. "I'm doing my best here, honey, but it's not enough for you, is it?"

"No, it's not enough," Pepper said, crossing her arms, her eyes flashing with pain. "I can't be in a relationship where I'm constantly afraid you're going to fall off the wagon. You can't escape, Tony. Not anymore. Not with alcohol, not by running away."

"I know that!" Tony shouted. "And I came back, right? I thought about drinking and I decided not to! You can trust me!"

"I can trust you?" Pepper laughed briefly. "You say you decided not to drink, but what about tomorrow? Are you going to decide every day now? How can I trust you if you're not sure about yourself?"

Tony shook his head and started to walk around the room. "You don't understand what it's like to be in my head, Pepper. Sometimes I think drinking is the only way to turn it off."

"Gosh, not this again..." Pepper said with a sigh. "You know, that's exactly the problem! You're so caught up in your own head that you don't see how it affects the people who care about you. You think you're protecting us by keeping everything to yourself, but you're just pushing us away. And it doesn't matter that we keep telling you. You just won't let us in."

Tony stopped and stared at her. He remembered Pepper saying that before. But there was a part of him that just couldn't believe it. And he did let them in, didn't he? He was actually talking about how he was doing. To Pepper, to Rhodey. Maybe not every moment of his life, but he talked to them. And it still wasn't enough.

"And what about you, Pepper?" Tony shot back. "You think it's easy for me to handle this relationship? Being with someone who, every time things get tough, looks at me like I'm a ticking time bomb?"

"Now you're being unfair," Pepper said wearily.

"Oh, am I? You are the one making accusations just because I left the house for a few hours."

"You're an addict, Tony. And when addicts sit there, tense and nervous, not talking, and then suddenly storm off, we have some kind of situation here. Is that so hard for you to understand? What it does? What I feel?"

Tony stared at her for a moment, trying to suppress the understanding that was creeping in. He knew why she was saying these things, but to admit it now felt like giving in to an unfair attack. He had just made a difficult, pivotal choice by the shore, deciding not to turn back to alcohol. And now, instead of support, he was being accused.

"Fine. Thanks for being so understanding," Pepper snapped. "You're standing here, cool as a cucumber, just slamming me in the face you almost got drunk! Even though you promised to talk to me if you felt like you were about to lose control. You promised me and Rhodey! Are you trying to provoke me or don't you realize how much you're scaring me?"

Tony opened his mouth to speak. He wanted to disagree. Of course he didn't want to provoke or scare her. He just wasn't good at these emotional things. He still didn't say anything.

"See..." Pepper said, closing her eyes as if this conversation was causing her physical pain. "I want to trust you. But you're impulsive. And that scares me. I've been through withdrawal with you. But I can't do it again. I mean it. I can't go through that again. If you relapse, our relationship is at stake. So please take yourself seriously and do something about this urge to get drunk on every little thing!"

"Oh great, it's just little things, right?" Tony exclaimed, now angry in his turn. "Wow, thanks, Pepper."

"I didn't mean that, sorry..."

"Maybe you did! Not so sure you can take this sick alcoholic anymore, are you?"

"Tony..."

"What?!"

"Tony, it has to be clear that it's going to stay that way. You can't allow yourself to relapse. It can't be an option to drink alcohol as soon as you feel any emotion. There have to be other options."

"It all seems so easy to you!"

"No, it's not!"

"Why are you putting so much pressure on me? It's hard enough as it is! Now you're putting a gun to my head and telling me that every little mistake I make will be paid for by us breaking up!"

"No, I did not say that. Jesus, Tony, the problem is obvious on all levels," Pepper's frustration boiled over as she confronted him. "You're barely involved in Stark Industries anymore. You don't make decisions and you just sit in meetings like you don't care. Everyone can see it. Everything you do is half-hearted. You have to figure out what you want. What do you want for the company? The Stark Tower in New York is half finished. Is that going to be another project you abandon? What do you want for your life? For us? Do you even want to be with me, or is this just another thing you're going to do half-assed? What about you being Iron Man? Is that still a thing? And that's exactly what I mean, you just don't face all these things. You refuse to think about it and decide. The only decision you are involved in is whether you should drink again or not..."

Tony hesitated, searching for the right words as he tried to process the onslaught of questions and accusations.

"Pepper, I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. You think I don't know I'm screwing up? I know! Every day it's like I'm drowning in it all - Stark Industries, the Tower, us. I want to be with you, I do, but I... I don't even know who I am anymore. How am I supposed to know what I want out of all this? How can I give you anything when I feel like I'm losing everything?"

"You're losing everything because you're not committing to anything! Tony, I can't hold this together while you flounder around trying to figure yourself out. The company needs you. I need you. But you're always halfway out the door, and it's exhausting for everyone else. And right now it feels like you're letting it all slip away. Do you even care what happens to all this?"

"Of course I care, but..." Tony hesitated, clenching his fists as his mind spun. "But you're right. I've been distant and... a mess. I don't know how to be everything everyone expects me to be. I'm trying to keep it all together, but it's tearing me apart."

Pepper softened for a moment. "Let me tell you something. When you came back from Afghanistan and changed everything, you asked me to help you find out what Obadiah was up to. I wanted to quit because I was afraid what you were doing was going to get you killed. And then - and I remember it so clearly - you said: 'I shouldn't be alive, unless it was for a reason. I'm not crazy, Pepper. I just finally know what I have to do. And I know in my heart that it's right.' You already knew who you were - who you wanted to be. And I understand that you're confused now after everything that's happened... Tony, I'm not asking you to be someone you're not. I'm asking you to make choices. To be present. But don't keep me waiting for you to figure out if you want to be drunk again or not while everything else falls apart.

There was a heavy silence as Tony realized the weight of what she was saying. It felt like a punch in the gut, but also a wake-up call. Yes, when he came back from Afghanistan, he knew so clearly what he wanted to be. And now he had lost himself.

"Tony, being with me means facing consequences," Pepper said tired. "I thought you appreciated that about me – that I'm someone who can handle you and tell you things straight that others wouldn't dare. But maybe I was wrong."

The words hung in the air, heavy with truth and pain. Tony felt a wave of panic rise in his chest. He hated this - hated the feeling that he was failing her, failing everyone. He looked away, unable to meet her gaze.

"I'm constantly feeling… something - every minute, every second! It's overwhelming."

Pepper let out a dry, bitter laugh. "Well, welcome to being human, Tony. We all feel things - every day, every minute. It's called life. And guess what? You're not exempt, Mr. Superhero."

Tony's expression darkened with anger. He began defensively, "But I-"

Pepper cut him off, her voice sharp and unwavering. "If you start with 'I' one more time, I'm going to lose my temper," she warned, her eyes flashing with exasperation.

Tony's heart sank as he realized the gravity of her words. "So, what? You're giving up on me?"

Pepper shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes. "No, of course not, Tony. But I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with himself and is already halfway back to drinking. You have to decide if you're going to fight for this - fight for us. Because if you're not ready to commit, then we have to stop pretending that this is going to work."

The room was thick with tension, both of them staring at each other, words hanging in the air that neither wanted to say.

Finally, Tony spoke, his voice cold and flat. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready for this."

Pepper's eyes widened, and for a moment it looked as if she might cry. But she steeled herself, her voice steady. "Then figure it out, Tony."

With that, she turned and walked out of the room, upstairs to the bedroom, leaving Tony standing there. The weight of the argument hung in the air long after she was gone.

Tony went down to the workshop and pretended to be working on something until his anger boiled over.

"Fucking hell!" he yelled, grabbing a hammer from the table next to him and angrily hurling it across the workshop.

Another exclamation of frustration was lost in the clang. Oh wonderful, that had gone really well. Well done, Tony, he thought grimly. You're really good at relationships.

Tony felt he couldn't handle this argument. What was he going to do now? Why was Pepper pushing him so hard? He couldn't handle the pressure. Oh, he was so angry. But he also felt panic. How was he going to live the rest of his life in this constant struggle to stay away from alcohol? How was he going to keep it up?

He had to make a decision - or did he need a drink after all?

Tony slammed his fists down on his desk.

What now?