Chapter 36: Just Between Them
After many years, Darcy finally understood what he had been missing in life. The one word uttered by Elizabeth, agreeing to be a part of his life and future, gave him the happiness he had missed since his mother's death. He held her close to his chest unable to express the sense of content and peace. That morning, he had ridden in the hopes of finding her on one of the trails, and the moment he saw Elizabeth he wanted to confront her about everything. He had no idea about the outcome of the meeting, but now, he felt a deep sense of peace and contentment after so many tormenting days. However, Elizabeth was still crying and he was unable to digest her distress.
"Elizabeth, please do not cry. I can no longer bear it," he cried.
She looked up at him with her tear-stained face, it was evident to him that she had been crying the whole night.
"Since yesterday, I assumed you had returned with a change of heart. I misjudged the anger in your eyes," she said with distress.
"I was angry because you chose to hide your love."
" Are you still angry with me?"
"No, but you could have spared us the misery of being apart. I have no words to express my happiness now that we are engaged. However, I need your permission to do something."
Elizabeth looked at him with confusion.
" I left Hertfordshire fighting the urge to confront your so-called parents, now it's time."
" But.. but..,"
"Elizabeth, I know you struggled with your disguise, I have seen the discomfort and sadness in your eyes often and wondered what it could be. You do not have to be Miss Smith anymore. The people who caused you so much misery must be punished."
"What do you want to do?"
"The way they treated you and their plans to ruin you are offenses that cannot be pardoned, and that toad Mr. Collins, I want him to be punished immediately."
As for Elizabeth, everything was moving too fast, she understood that if she married Darcy, she would have to leave the position of a governess. She wanted to marry him, but she was certain she could not move on so easily.
"I do not know how much Mary revealed to you there is so much I need to discuss with you."
"Tell me."
" Even though I did not want to stay with Mr. Gardiner, he is my uncle, and I am very close to my aunt. They must know about our engagement, and I still have many questions about my past."
Darcy understood her struggle.
"Lady Martha already knows my identity, I declared it to her the day I reached Ashton Park."
Darcy looked at her with surprise at the new piece of information.
"I do not know what to say, you have suffered too long with all of this. We can head to her right away and discuss what is to be done," he said, not wanting to waste an instant.
Elizabeth was silent.
"Elizabeth, what is it? You agreed to marry me, and I promise you that. You do not have to worry or be scared of anyone now. I will stand with you in any hurdles that come our way. Why are you hesitating?"
"Because I still don't know so much about my past. I do not doubt your love for me. I cannot express how happy I am to be your wife, but I cannot be at peace unless I know what exactly happened to my mother. Confronting my parents will not do any good."
" We can head to town, and I have sources to find out the truth about your mother. I understand how you feel just because you agreed to marry me, I do not want to force you to forget everything in the past and live with me happily. Shall we head to Lady Martha, I need to tell her everything. "
" Can we keep our engagement to ourselves for a few more days?" Elizabeth asked.
" Good God. Why?" Darcy asked in shock.
" Because I want us to have some time to ourselves without the privy of society."
"I don't think I stay in the same room with you once again, staring at you from a distance, unable to let the world know what you mean to me," Darcy cried in agony.
"Can you give me, give us, a few more days? We need time for ourselves before we let the world know," Elizabeth pleaded.
As much as Darcy wanted to head to Ashton Park with her and declare their engagement, he understood Elizabeth's hesitance.
"Elizabeth, honestly, I do not want to. But I agree that we may need time to ourselves."
Elizabeth was grateful that he understood her reasoning.
"Oh no! It is already late, I need to head back now," Elizabeth said, realizing that someone may come looking for her. Darcy still had his arms wrapped around her protectively.
"How long do you want us to keep our engagement a secret? Even though I agreed, I am not happy to part from you."
"I do not know, maybe a few days. I must leave now, someone may come looking for me," she said. Finally aware of her closeness with him, she blushed and tried to move away from Darcy, but he held her firmly.
"How do you expect us to speak in privacy?" he asked.
"I do not know. Maybe I can meet you in the mornings like today."
Darcy did not reply, he looked at her with adoration, not wanting to part.
"You have become a part of me since the day I met you near the falls. I cannot find words to express the happiness you have brought me, by accepting my hand. Please trust me, I will keep you safe and happy forever," he said affectionately.
She saw his eyes moisten and bravely touched his cheek.
"I love you!" she said with feeling, and Darcy pulled her closer and rested his chin on her head. They felt a sense of tranquility, after so many months of torment.
"I cannot wait until tomorrow morning to see you. I will accompany Georgiana today and visit Ashton Park," Darcy said, soaking himself in her warmth.
Elizabeth smiled, happy at the thought of seeing him again in a few hours.
"I must go," she said softly.
Darcy reluctantly let go of her. He wanted to take her back on his horse but decided to accompany her to the end of the trail and walk along with his horse.
Elizabeth watched him move away from her and keep his distance as they walked toward the end of the trail.
She smiled and nodded at him.
"Are you certain you do not want me to accompany you to Ashton Park?" he asked somehow concerned.
"Yes. I know my way back," she said and left him.
"I will see you soon," Darcy said, unable to let her out of his sight. He was aware that she was ten minutes away from Ashton Park, but yet, he did not want to let her walk alone.
He rode back to Pemberley, with happiness, feeling elated.
Georgiana saw him smile broadly as he entered the breakfast parlor that morning.
"Good morning, brother. You seem in happy spirits," she said, noticing his smile.
He had to fight hard not to reveal the news to Georgiana.
"I was so happy when you surprised me with your return, now I look forward to the ball," she said, with excitement.
"Georgiana, I suggest we invite the Ashtons and their guests to stay with us before the ball as it would be convenient for them."
Georgiana agreed. Meanwhile, Elizabeth reached Ashton Park, and she hurried to get ready for the day. She could not concentrate on anything, as she was overwhelmed by her meeting with Darcy. Elizabeth was unable to come to terms with reality, and the fact that Darcy loved her despite everything about her past, brought her so much happiness she could not believe how her life had changed so quickly.
I am engaged!
She could not believe that she was engaged to him and was equally worried about how everyone would take the news, the Ashtons, her uncle, and of course her parents. She was grateful to Darcy for understanding her plight and struggle, in wanting to unravel the mystery about her birth. Elizabeth realized the depth of his affection for her and could not forgive herself for the torment she had caused him. She could not believe how fate had worked in bringing them together through Mary.
I must write to Mary; she must be extremely worried, she thought.
However, she hurried downstairs, realizing she was late. Lady Martha noticed the change in her demeanor from the previous day and smiled, unaware of the developments.
"Good morning, my dear," she greeted Elizabeth with warmth.
"Good morning, Madam."
"I assume your morning walk was refreshing."
"Yes, indeed."
"Only a few more months, it gets very cold here during winter. You must get accustomed to entertaining yourself indoors, even though the children like to play in the snow."
Elizabeth finally realized, that her life was about to be altered again, but for the good. She realized that she would miss the children, and it would be difficult for them to allow her to leave as well. She sat with the children for their lessons, unable to concentrate on anything. She constantly reminded herself that her meeting with Darcy that morning was not a delusion.
As expected, around mid-morning, Georgiana joined her and sat along with them as Elizabeth continued her lessons.
"Miss Smith, my brother, and I would like to invite all of you to stay in Pemberley before the ball."
Elizabeth was surprised at the request.
"We think it would be convenient for the children and, of course, for all of you to stay with us before the ball on Saturday. Will you stay?" she asked, as Elizbeth had not visited Pemberley for a long time, despite persistent requests by Georgiana.
Elizabeth did not know how to reply.
"Ye.. yes, of course. It would be convenient for the children, I am certain."
Georgiana was elated to have Elizabeth staying at Pemberley, unaware she would be a part of Pemberley permanently. Elizabeth knew very well that Darcy had accompanied her, she did not dare to ask Georgiana about his whereabouts. As much as she wanted to see Darcy again, she was unsure about her temperament around him.
As she was contemplating, they heard a knock, and Darcy entered. Elizabeth immediately stood but was unable to meet his eye.
"Good morning, Miss Smith," Darcy said, looking at her keenly.
"Good.. good morning, sir," she stammered, finally meeting his eye. Even though he looked calm and composed, Elizabeth could sense the stiffness in his demeanor.
She realized it was not easy for him to be in the same room as her, as he had declared.
"Georgiana, Miss Anderson has been asking for you," he said, looking at his sister. At that moment Edmund pestered him to look at his drawing, and Georgiana left downstairs, knowing that Elizabeth would join them downstairs.
Elizabeth held her breath as Darcy kneeled beside Edmund, looking at his drawing.
"Fitzwilliam, look at mine," Emily cried, wanting to impress Darcy.
Darcy looked at the paper the little girl held and saw a drawing of tulips.
"Miss Smith helped me color them red. Do you like it?" Emily asked.
Darcy looked at Elizabeth, his eyes speaking volumes of what he felt.
"Yes, I do. They are beautiful. Tulips are my favorite flower as well especially the ones Miss Smith had taught you to draw."
Elizabeth trembled at his gaze and colored. She half wished Georgiana had stayed back. The children began clearing up their work, as it was time for their lunch.
"I hope Georgiana invited you, we would like all of you to stay with us before the ball," Darcy said to her.
"She did. I thank you for the invite," she replied, trying her best to act normal, she now understood that it would not be easy for them to keep their relationship a secret.
Meanwhile, Darcy fought hard to stay away from her. It pained him to address her as "Miss Smith".
"I will see you downstairs," he said and left her, noticing the blush on her cheek.
Elizabeth merely nodded, well aware of the agony of spending time in his company amongst the others.
During lunch, she sat beside Mr. Anderson and Darcy was seated next to Georgiana and Lady Martha on either side. Elizabeth found it extremely difficult to concentrate on her plate. The conversation circled around the ball.
"We are delighted to be a part of the harvest ball this year, Mr. Darcy. I thank you once again for your invitation to stay in Pemberley. Beatrice has particularly enjoyed calling on Miss Darcy in your absence to provide company," Lady Anderson said.
Miss Anderson smiled at Darcy, hoping to gain his affection.
"Yes, Mr. Darcy, your estate is so grand, and Miss Darcy gave me a tour of the whole house. We enjoy spending time with each other," declared Miss Anderson.
Georgiana looked at her brother, and Darcy immediately understood that was not the case. The truth was, Georgiana was left with no choice but to entertain Miss Anderson, a few times she had called on her in Pemberley.
Darcy was used to women trying to woo him all the time, but with Elizabeth in the same room, he felt extremely irritated by Miss Anderson's intentions.
"I am glad to have all of you stay with us this year," he said, looking at Lord Anderson.
"The children are very excited to be a part of the celebration, Fitzwilliam," Lady Martha said, and it was agreed that they would stay in Pemberley a couple of days before the ball. The harvest ball was planned that Sunday. As for Darcy, he was fighting to spend time with Elizabeth away from the others. Georgiana and Darcy left after dinner.
Darcy bowed to her formally before he left, and Elizabeth could sense his struggle. She passed the day restlessly, waiting in anticipation for the next morning.
In the evening, she wrote letters to Mary and Charlotte. Elizabeth wanted Charlotte to be aware of her engagement as well. Meanwhile, Darcy paced restlessly in his chamber that evening, feeling happiness and distress in equal measure. He wanted to claim Elizabeth's hand without delay and give her the life she deserved. It was unnerving for him to spend time in her company, keeping their engagement a secret. Darcy was impatient for the next morning, as they had decided to meet on the same trail. Both of them spent a restless night and as the next morning dawned, Elizabeth left as early as possible to meet him. The air was colder and she hoped it would not rain.
As expected, Darcy was waiting for her near the stream. He looked earnest and smiled when he saw her approach. Elizabeth slowly walked towards him, trying to compose herself; however, Darcy stood rooted to the spot.
She reached him and stood without saying a word. Darcy wanted to pull her into his arms but controlled himself.
"How have you been, Elizabeth?" he asked, fighting the urge to touch her cheek.
"As well as you saw me yesterday," she said with a smile.
Darcy held out his hand, and Elizabeth took it.
"Are you well?" she inquired, seeing his tired face.
"No, I am not well. Every moment away from you is torture, I cannot begin to explain how hard it is for me to keep our engagement a secret," he said with torment.
"I understand, trust me, I feel the same way."
"Then tell me, how long do you want us to suffer? I misjudged my own sentiments in this matter, I do not know how long I can endure this pain."
"I am so sorry, but I feel we need this time. I thought about what you said yesterday, do you want to confront my parents?"
"I do. I absolutely do."
"Then maybe we can head to town and meet my uncle. As I said, he is my guardian, even though I did not want to stay with him. He came to Ashton Park a few months ago and requested that I leave with him. I declined, even though he was sincere in his words, the fact he despised my mother, made me make that choice. But I do not hold him in contempt, my aunt is the reason I was able to employ myself in Ashton Park."
"Do you need his consent for our marriage?"
"No, but I do not want to get married without the only family I have."
"I understand."
Elizabeth and Darcy sat down by the stream. She quickly explained about the letter she had discovered in the jewel box and the mystery surrounding her mother.
"My parents would never tell us the truth of what happened to my mother. When I inquired with my uncle, he mentioned the same details. But someone must know."
"We will find the truth. I will take every action on my part to unravel the details. Elizabeth, it is a matter concerning both of us now. Are you willing to marry me after that?"
"Yes, I do. I understand that there is a very slight chance that we may discover the truth. I am so grateful that you are doing this for me."
"For us," Darcy corrected.
"Mr. Darcy….I…,"
"Fitzwilliam," Darcy corrected.
Elizabeth blushed.
"I cannot call you that."
"Why not?"
"Because, I have always addressed you as Mr. Darcy, even in my thoughts."
Darcy smiled.
"Then you better start practicing soon."
"I will try. You always scare me, and Mr. Darcy suits you better," she said teasingly, making Darcy laugh.
She handed him some letters and requested Darcy to send them to Charlotte.
"Charlotte will find a way to send my letter to Mary as soon as possible. I cannot believe how Mary helped us. She has been my only support in Hertfordshire."
"She is a very sensible young woman. The moment I saw her, she reminded me of you. I can send this through an express rider, and it should reach your friend soon. Why did you leave employment in town?" Darcy asked.
Elizbeth hesitated, she felt embarrassed to relate the events that happened in town.
"I apologize, I did not mean to be intrusive," Darcy said, realizing her discomfort.
"Please do not. Mary is unaware of the details, as I did not want to cause her worry."
She explained the unfortunate incident that transpired in Mr. Brook's house, Darcy's blood boiled as she mentioned what she was subjected to.
"That incident still haunts me. When you walked into the library in Pemberley that evening, I was reliving the same, and that's why I reacted to you like that."
"I am so sorry. I knew you were afraid of me that day, I could not attribute it to what. It was that day I finally realized that I was deeply in love with you. It was so difficult for me that night not to run to your room and check on your welfare."
"You always saw me through, and that is the reason why I was rude to you."
"And because you loved me," he added.
"Yes, because I loved you. You must hate me for what I put you through," she said, recollecting all their past experiences.
"No, you wanted to sacrifice your love for my well-being, it only shows your regard for me. Without you, there is no place in the world I could be happy."
His words warmed her heart.
"Are you worried about leaving Ashton Park? I know you are very attached to the children and Lady Martha, but we will always be close to them."
"I am still trying to come to terms with the reality of leaving my position. Lady Martha has treated me more like a member of the family. I am truly indebted to her, as for the children, I do not know how they will react to the news."
"It will not be easy for them. On the other hand, you must know how elated Georgiana would be with the news."
"Yes, I do. She had been such an amazing friend, and I cannot express how happy I am to have her as my sister. Poor Georgiana, because of my notion to avoid you, I declined to call on her at Pemberly so many times. She has been so generous when it comes to me."
"I hope you both will not spend hours together in the music room and ignore me when we are married."
To this, Elizabeth laughed heartily, imagining Darcy sitting alone in his study when she spent time with Georgiana in the music room at his estate.
Her laughter was like music to his ears, and it had been a long time since he heard her laugh.
"I cannot promise you anything," Elizabeth finally said.
"We have a few more days before you come to stay in Pemberley. Are you ready to disclose our engagement to Lady Martha before that?" Darcy asked with hesitance.
"She must be the first to know, along with Georgiana."
"Of course, and can we announce our engagement to the rest during the ball?"
Elizabeth did not know what to say, every single action on Darcy's part made her realize the depth of his affection.
"I do not know what to say. Will it be appropriate?"
"Absolutely, it is the right way to announce our engagement. However, I will speak to Lady Martha and Georgiana before that. We can leave for town after the ball. I plan to write to my contacts in town before requesting the assistance we may need to find the truth about your mother.
Elizabeth gave him details about the Gardiner family.
"My mother was the youngest, and my aunt says she was my grandfather's favorite child. My uncle has no idea about my father, he claims he was away to learn the business. He told me that she refused to reveal who my father was and said that I was born out of wedlock."
"You mention that your uncle inherited your grandfather's business."
"Yes, my aunt mentioned that my grandfather's business was running at a loss, hence my uncle had traveled to learn a new trade. He was absent from home for almost a year, and that is when my mother met someone in town. They do not know anything else."
"There must be more to the story. Someone must know the truth. Do not worry, we will find out. I want to take you to Hertfordshire, and this time Mr. Bennet will have to pay for all his misdeeds. I am not going to spare Mr. Collins as well. I admire your strength in all this. Despite facing so much in your past, you have given only happiness to the people around you here."
"All except you. I still cannot forgive myself for the hurtful things I said during your proposal," she said in a small voice.
Darcy held Elizabeth's hand to his chest.
"I can never forget your countenance that day. Even though you firmly declared that you hated me, your eyes expressed the opposite. The look of guilt and helplessness disguised in anger made me question your words. I wish you had opened up to me that day and trusted me. I have nothing but love for you. You are my world, Elizabeth, and I cannot imagine a life without you. When I hear your story, I am so proud of your courage, not many would have the strength and maturity you have for your age."
"I..I have something else to confess."
Darcy looked at her with confusion.
"I would not be alive today if not for you."
"What do you mean?" Darcy asked in shock.
Elizabeth guilty explained how she had almost jumped off the cliff a few seconds before their first meeting. She watched the horror on Darcy's face as she narrated her temperament that morning. His grip on her hand tightened as she spoke.
"Good God!" he finally cried, understanding that he would have lost her forever.
"I am so sorry. I do not know what came over me that morning. It was an impulsive decision, and when I heard your voice, I realized the blunder I had almost committed."
Without thought, Darcy pulled her into his arms. He was unable to speak for a long time.
"Fitzwilliam?" she said in a small voice, feeling protected in his arms. It was the first time she had addressed him so, but Darcy could not rejoice. The very thought of Elizabeth wanting to end her life horrified him.
"Please be honest with me. Have you attempted it again?" he asked with agony.
"I have not. Please believe me, that moment has passed," she cried.
"That day I felt I had nothing to live for. I could not forget my past, but now I have you. I love you and would never dream of hurting you in any way."
"Elizabeth, I will never let anyone harm you ever. Promise me that you will never think in that direction."
"I promise you, I will not. I know how much you love me, I will never do anything to hurt you again," she said earnestly.
"I trust you," he said, deeply concerned about her welfare.
It was time for them to leave, but Darcy was not ready to let her out of his sight. Elizabeth promised him that she would meet him the next morning. He finally understood her reasoning in having a few days to themselves as they began understanding each other better.
"Georgiana informed me that she would call on me today. Does that mean I will not see you as well?" Elizabeth asked as they rose to leave.
"You leave me no choice. Or I could take the liberty and call on you without my sister?" he asked, smiling. Elizabeth half wished that he would.
Darcy wanted to speak to Lady Martha without delay, and Elizabeth agreed. She was to leave for Pemberly on Thursday, and Darcy decided to meet Lady Martha a day before to have the discussion.
We have two more days to ourselves, both thought as they separated down the trail.
Thank you for your patience between chapters. For those who missed my note before, "Never Say Never at Netherfield" is now available on KU and paperback. Appreciate your reviews and support as always.