The Scrabble board was set up on the coffee table between Steve and Nicholas, the most recently played tiles spelling out the words 'conflict' and 'trouble.'

Steve recorded both scores, mentally adding up the points to see that he was in the lead. "You better watch out, Dad. I'm coming for your crown."

Nicholas kept an eye on the clock as his son began his next turn, seeing him use the 'b' in trouble to create the word 'labor.' "I'm getting dethroned, aren't I? And over a holiday weekend too."

"Yep. I still have to work tomorrow, but-"

"Oh. Hi. I was just thinking you should be here soon."

Steve's eyes moved up from the game board to see that Audrey had just come in, Nicholas then getting up to kiss her. "Hey, Audrey. I didn't know you were coming over tonight. Once you two are done kissing, you should play Scrabble with us."

Audrey's hands cupped Nicholas' face as she broke the kiss to speak. "I like Steve's idea, so we'll have to finish this up later on, my love."

As both his dad and Audrey took seats near the game board, Steve tried to ignore what he so easily recognized as a trigger. But, as he saw Nicholas' hand intertwined with his future wife's, the couple forming a team, he knew he couldn't pretend his memories weren't on the verge of taking control. "Actually, I, uh, just remembered. I told Soda I'd come stay the night at his house. So, I, um, better get going."

Nicholas watched Steve rush off, aware of the abruptness of his son's actions, though he was oblivious to the reason behind them. "I wonder where that came from all of the sudden." Giving a quick nod to Audrey, he followed Steve, finding him in his room with his car keys in hand as he hastily packed a bag. "Son? Is everything all right?"

Steve didn't answer right away, only going up to Nicholas and putting his arms around him. He felt his dad hug him back, the love they so readily showed to one another paving the way for some honesty. "No. Not really. But I'm taking care of it. You enjoy your time with Audrey, and I'll be back sometime tomorrow."

"Of course it's okay that you came over. I just wasn't expectin' you. That's all."

Steve sat down on the Curtises' front porch swing, Soda beside him as he pondered the darkness both within and without, the night falling at the same time he acknowledged what had made him leave home. "She called my dad 'my love.' That shouldn't bother me, but it does."

Soda didn't quite follow, even though he recognized the expression on Steve's face as one he'd seen before. "Who? Audrey? Why does it bother you?"

"Because Clara called me that too. When she would try to play like she was being nice. When she tried to seem sweet. But she wasn't."

Soda could now put a label on what he saw in Steve at this moment, realizing his friend's memories were barely beneath the surface as he struggled to keep them in the past. "No, she sure wasn't. I can see why hearing those same words would bother you too. Is that why you decided to come here?"

"Yeah. 'Cause that and seeing them together felt like too much. It's pretty immature of me, but sometimes it can still be hard to share my dad with a woman. Especially since I know they're engaged, so one day, it'll be permanent. She won't just come over some nights. She'll live with him all the time."

"Well, I understand why it's hard. In some ways, you just got your dad back. Ya'll have somethin' real special now, so you want to keep it."

Steve rested his head on the swing, feet braced against the porch as his eyes looked up at memories that oftentimes seemed like figments of his imagination. "I do, and I wish that I could be happy about him having a relationship without it being overshadowed by somebody who's dead and what she did to me. That shouldn't have anything to do with Audrey."

"But it does, buddy. Not her personally, but just 'cause this is about how you see things now. And that's okay too."

"Is it?" Steve bowed his head, fingers rubbing his temples as he thought of what else was coloring his perceptions. "Because I feel like it's not. None of my old trauma is Audrey's responsibility."

"And you ain't makin' it hers. You're just tellin' me that hearin' those words again got to you."

"I hate how this works sometimes, Soda. Because one thing makes me think about another, even when it's already been resolved. I've worked through what my dad being in a relationship again means for me. I've figured out how to be at peace with it, and I've accepted it. But I feel like I can't tell him certain things right now, so that brings back the insecurity and fear. Then, hearing Audrey also say what Clara did just amplifies everything."

Soda couldn't hide the pride he felt as he listened to Steve parse through the pieces that had come together to cause his most recent setback, knowing his friend would weather it just as he had many times before. "What things do you feel like you can't tell your dad? I'm sure he'd listen."

"He would. Until he realized I'm talking about forgiving the person who wrecked both our lives. I think I'm already feeling separated from him 'cause of that." Steve got up from the swing, his hands gripping the porch railing as he heard the typical sounds of a weekend night on their side of town, sirens accompanied by voices in the distance. "I almost told him about that, but I just couldn't do it. Not when I think he might get mad at me for even having the idea in my head."

Soda left the swing too, meeting Steve where he was in both body and spirit. "He wouldn't be mad at you, Stevie. You ain't wrong for wantin' what you do. Your dad might not be sure about it, just like I wasn't. But that's not the same thing."

"You got mad though. I could tell."

"I did, but it wasn't at you. It was anger at what happened and the idea of her never really answerin' for bein' the one to hurt you." Soda watched Steve for a second, realizing it would take time for him to fully overcome both the anxiety about telling Nicholas his thoughts and the flashbacks which had surely come along with hearing words normally confined to his past abuse. "Buddy, I think I should point out that it's also all right if you don't tell your dad everything. Especially not right away. It's okay to decide to wait and see how you feel about it later. As close as we are, even me and you choose not to tell each other stuff sometimes."

"Yeah. We do, don't we?" Steve backed up, returning to the swing. He pulled his overnight bag into his lap, arms around it as he rested his chin on top. "I always think I've gotten where I can escape her voice, where I won't hear it anymore. At least not anywhere besides a nightmare. But then it's here again and back with a vengeance."

"I keep running the whole evening over in my head trying to find where it went wrong, but I can't think of anything that would've upset him."

Audrey stayed close to Nicholas, her hand holding his as she listened to him vent his worries about Steve. "Maybe it was nothing you could've seen yourself then. Maybe it's something inside him that wasn't about tonight at all."

Nicholas knew Steve was an adult now and that he was more than capable of successfully handling whatever was going on, but this didn't quell the worry or the burgeoning guilt. "But it came out of nowhere. Before you got here, we were just playing our game, and everything seemed fine. I must be missing something. I don't like that my own son felt like he had to leave. It makes me feel-"

Audrey cut off the thought by giving Nicholas a kiss, her lips halting his words for a moment, even though the romantic gesture could not completely silence the wonderings of a perplexed father.

"You don't have to do that, man. I'm fine in here by myself."

Soda ignored Steve's protest as he stretched out on the recliner with a pillow and blanket. "There, now I'm cozy as can be."

Steve, who was resting on the couch, stared at Soda with an amused expression. "Somehow I doubt that. That chair doesn't look very cozy."

"Aw, what are you talkin' about? We've both slept here before. It ain't bad at all."

"Compared to your own bed, it is. Seriously, buddy, I'm okay on my own."

"But you're better with me here."

"I guess I can't argue with that."

"Damn right. No point in tryin', Stevie." Soda closed his eyes, only to open them again a few seconds later. "My brothers are both asleep, you know."

"Okay. Good for them. But so what?"

"So, if you want to talk some more, there's no one awake to hear us."

Steve could still sense in himself the remnants of the flashback which had claimed him as its own the moment the words 'my love' left Audrey's mouth, but the idea of saying more about it left him on the fence. "I don't think there's anything else for me to say. I told you everything that's bothering me."

"Yeah, but I wanted to make sure you know the offer is there. I think that's real important, especially when you're dealin' with more than one thing. Plus, I'm wonderin' if it'd be easy for you to slip into certain emotions again."

"Like what emotions?"

"The ones that make you feel insecure or like you shouldn't talk about stuff."

"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. It probably would be easy for me to fall into that again, but I'm not so far. From what I can tell, I'm pretty stable, considering how I could be."

"I guess I'm just worried too because of what you said outside. About her voice, I mean."

Steve couldn't blame Soda for being concerned about him, even if right now he only wanted to rest. "Sounded kind of bad, huh? But that's 'cause it is sometimes. I hate the thought of telling my dad about this too. I bet he's wondering why I took off out of nowhere."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about it. He knows enough about how triggers can be and how memories like yours show up in places."

"Yeah. He's seen it a lot, hasn't he?" Steve closed his eyes at the same time he heard the sound of the recliner's footrest going down, a couple of moments passing before he registered the weight of someone else on the couch with him. "Soda, I'm not trying to be an ass, but I just want to go to sleep now. I'm really okay."

"Well, I'm not."

This made Steve sit up, seeing Soda's brown eyes blink at him in the little bit of light present in the living room. "What do you mean? Why would you not be okay?"

Soda curled up on one end of the couch as the memories he'd been mostly suppressing crept up on him again, the sound of his own voice a prominent feature of what he could remember. "It started in here, Stevie. In this room. They fought. He hit him. As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop it. That night was out of control."

"I know it was, buddy. I hope you still know that wasn't your fault. Darry and Pony both made their own choices back then. They reacted in the moment, not realizing how far of a reach those decisions would have later on."

"None of us realized anything, did we? I do know it wasn't my fault. That guilt got better just 'cause I told ya'll it was there, and it hasn't come back."

Steve touched Soda's shoulder as he mused over the fact that they were both sitting here with their own versions of memories, the scene a perfect demonstration of how the emotions and burdens left behind by trauma never truly expired.

Steve heard the bell ding as someone came through the door of the DX station. Distracted by both his own thoughts and the list of closing duties, he greeted what he assumed was a customer without looking to see who had come inside. "Good afternoon. Welcome to the DX."

"I was hoping I'd find you still here, Son."

Steve's eyes quickly went to Nicholas, his dad's presence unexpected. "Oh. Um, yeah, Soda left already, and I'll be locking up in about ten minutes since we're closing early for the holiday."

Nicholas had figured as much since the station had followed the same schedule the year before. "I came by because I wasn't sure if you'd come home after work or what. Did you get things taken care of last night?"

"Pretty much. As well as I could anyway. I'm sorry for, you know, taking off like I did. It was just the best thing I knew to do at the time."

"Steve, did I say or do something wrong? Was it because Audrey came over or-"

"No. It was nothing to do with you, Dad. It was me, okay? My problem. Not yours. So don't go feeling guilty over something you couldn't have helped. I'm a grown man, and my reactions are my responsibility now."

"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean I've stopped caring. I still want to know what happened, Son. How you handle things is your choice. I support that, even when it means you need to go somewhere else for a little bit. But I don't stop being a father just because you're old enough to make that decision."

Steve watched the clock, willing the next ten minutes to fly by as he swept the floor. "I know that. Believe me. And it's not like I want you to stop. I'm just really uncomfortable with what did happen. I'll tell you, I promise. But I can't do it here."

Nicholas knew he would have to put his proclivity toward guilt aside, sure that Steve's defenses would rise if he saw him blaming himself. "Okay. I'll see you at home then?"

"Yeah, and we'll talk there. It'll be just the two of us, right?"

"Yes. Only us, Son." Nicholas noticed how Steve was looking at him then, the soon-to-be twenty-year-old barely keeping the child within under wraps. "And that kind of time will always be an option. I'm never too busy or too involved to sit down with you and take care of us."

"I thought this was supposed to be the holiday where we rest from our labors."

"We are, Pone. Cookin' ain't labor. It's an act of love."

"Well, I'd prefer my 'act of love' to be the right color too, thank you very much."

"Hey, who doesn't want green hamburgers to go with ketchup, mustard, and cheese? It makes the first four colors of the rainbow."

Darry had been listening to his brothers' chatter as they all spent time gathering food and preparing the grill for a backyard cookout. "I think I'll be the one taking care of the hamburger meat, little buddy."

Pony breathed an overexaggerated sigh of fake disappointment. "Oh no. That means my food won't look like it broke out of a box of Lucky Charms."

Soda elbowed Pony in the ribs as he opened a pack of hot dogs. "You sound like a cross between Steve and TwoBit, kiddo."

Pony knew that, not too long ago, he would've balked at the idea of being compared to Steve Randle. But now, he considered it a compliment, especially coming from Soda. "Yeah, I'm one part drama and one part sarcasm."

"No, Dad, I thought we could catch up on the latest baseball stats first. Of course I'm sitting here so we can talk about what happened last night. Damn it, if we don't hurry up, I'm going to lose every bit of my nerve."

Nicholas hadn't anticipated such a sharp reaction from Steve when he'd found his son waiting for him in the elder man's bedroom. Nevertheless, he did his best to soften the edges. "Okay, Son. I'm here and listening, so please tell me. What made you need to leave?"

Steve felt Nicholas' hands as they held both of his own, his annoyance with the situation simmering down to settle into a pure sadness. "Audrey. She called you 'my love.' I'm not sure if you even know that Clara said the same thing to me too. Obviously, it shouldn't matter 'cause Audrey's not her, and she wasn't even talking to me. But it still took me back, and I couldn't go on last night like it didn't."

"Steve, I'm-"

"Don't say you're sorry. Please. I don't want an apology when nobody did anything wrong. You and Audrey were just living your lives. Being the couple that you're supposed to be. It's no one's fault that I have these issues with my memories."

"No, it isn't. But I'm still sorry that happened, Son. Not because I think it's anyone's fault but just because I know it was painful for you."

Steve wasn't sure what else he wanted to say as a new wave of self-consciousness washed over him, this one even more suffocating and oppressive than the others he'd experienced recently. "Dad, something isn't right. I almost feel like I could have a panic attack."

"Maybe it's just from talking about this. You did have a hard time with telling me at first."

"I'm having a hard time with everything lately. The same thing that happened before is happening again. Like Laura talked about when I was in the hospital last summer. It's a cumulative effect."

Nicholas remembered the term from hearing about Steve's counseling sessions, but at that time, it had been much clearer what events had come together to cause a mental spiral. "But why now, Son? Is there something I don't know about?"

"Yeah. A few things actually." Steve's hand lifted to touch his chest, the tightness there a familiar sensation that he knew how to handle. "There are memories I've been thinking about, and that dream I had wasn't exactly an isolated incident."

"It wasn't? You've had other nightmares lately?"

"No. I just... I've been awake at night. I almost came to you the night before too, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to interrupt you and Audrey or make things awkward. Bang up job I did of that, huh? Since I just told you that something she said made me have abuse flashbacks."

Nicholas could feel the tension that cut the air between them like a knife, even though he had just the slightest idea of where it was originating. "Son, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You are not responsible for my relationship with Audrey. I want you to come to me with whatever you need, no matter how you think it could involve her. I can handle that, and so can she."

"But I don't want there to be anything to handle, Dad. Not because of me. You should get the chance to focus on your relationship and nothing else, especially not my issues with what happened a long time ago."

"I do get that chance, Steve. We have our time. My being in a relationship doesn't exclude you from my life. I thought you knew that now."

"I did. I do. But it still gets hard not to feel like I'm supposed to come second."

Nicholas cupped the back of Steve's head as he drew him to his chest. "Son, what else is going on? Because I know you got where you needed to be about me having Audrey in my life and getting married to her. You said there are memories you've been thinking about. Are they causing you to doubt our relationship or feel the way you used to? You can tell me if they are."

Steve realized that Nicholas was on the right track, as one particular memory had been the catalyst that led him to what felt like a spiritual crisis. He also knew that simply this memory alone could be partially responsible for making him feel as though his connection with his dad wasn't on solid ground. "I think that's some of it, yeah. I was already kind of messed up because of it being two years since my overdose and just reflecting a lot on all of that. But that nightmare I had really did it for me because there are awful things I understand now that I didn't back then. Things that make what happened seem even darker."

Nicholas kept Steve close, knowing that what Clara did to him was undeniably dark, this word perfectly summing up the nature of the abuse. "I'm almost afraid to ask. What do you understand now?"

"I understand that Clara used me to make herself feel good. I was like this sexual object to her. Just a toy that-"

"But you weren't. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I know I was just a kid and that I deserved better. It's not like I believe she was right, Dad. That isn't what I'm trying to say at all."

"Okay. I needed to make sure."

Steve resumed his line of thought, the way his dad continued to hold him making him feel safe. "To her, I was a toy that must've satisfied her when she wanted it. I was nothing more than the boy she could try to rape."

It wasn't as if Nicholas had never considered the course the abuse could've taken. He certainly had. That was something he and Steve had discussed less directly. "But you said before that she didn't go further."

"She didn't. But I think it was her intention. I can't look back at that night when she" -Steve had to pause, realizing that his mind was taking him there again as he spoke, the words conjuring up every image and feeling- "made me touch her without thinking she wanted to do worse stuff to me. It's just the way I see it now because I know how things work. I think she was trying to go further than she actually did. I don't know why she didn't do it though. It makes me feel sick to wonder, but I still do. 'Cause I know my body would've let her, and it's not like I would've ever told. She knew that too."

Nicholas' eyes brewed with tears as he heard the utter defeat in Steve's voice, his anger toward Clara on the back burner while he attempted to handle his son's pain. "You felt like you couldn't talk to me then. And you didn't want to get between me and Clara. You suffered without being able to tell anyone what was going on because you felt so ashamed."

"Yeah. I did. I couldn't tell anybody."

Nicholas pulled away from Steve, hands on each side of his child's face. "But it's not like that anymore, Son, and we are not the way we were. We're so much better than we used to be, and I'll remind you of that any time you need to hear it."

Steve's eyes met Nicholas' gaze, remembering how much his dad had devoted himself to being the best father he could, their once rocky relationship gaining a much stronger foundation. "I know you will. And I know we're better. That's why I'm telling you all this, Dad. I'm sorry I left last night without at least saying why. I should've told you so you wouldn't have to wonder or worry. I've made you do that often enough over the last couple of years."

"I have worried a lot, but it's not your fault." Nicholas couldn't help but worry a little bit more as he recognized that Steve must still harbor some guilt in response to his struggles. "You were always doing the best you could, Son. And, as for last night, you talked to me about it when you were ready."

"I guess I've done that with everything, huh?" Steve felt Nicholas' hands on his shoulders as another thought occurred to him, believing that his propensity for courage would eventually prevail. "Do me a favor, Dad?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Don't tell Audrey what happened last night, okay? I wouldn't want her to feel like she needs to watch what she says around me or anything like that."

"But, Steve, maybe-"

"No. Please don't tell her. Don't you see? So much shit spins out of my control. I need just a little bit of it back whenever I can get it. That's what things are about sometimes because I couldn't change what was happening to me when I was a kid, and then I couldn't change everything that went on because of it. So, please, let me make this choice for myself."

Nicholas saw in Steve the strength and resolve that were now so common in him, the earlier defeat no longer at the forefront. "All right. I won't say anything. If she asks, I'll just tell her you needed some space because you're dealing with a few things right now."

"Which is true enough." As Steve thought about all that he'd been coping with, he knew it was actually completely true, even though the details had been omitted. "Dad, there's something I need to do. At least I think so anyway. I just keep questioning it because I'm anxious about what it means and how it could sound to everybody else."

"Well, what matters the most is how you feel about it and what you think you should do. Like you were just saying, you need to have some control and make choices for yourself. I'm telling you this as someone who doesn't know what you're referring to, but I can't imagine my advice changing. Do what you think is right or what's best."

"Yeah, I think I will." Steve couldn't help but notice that Nicholas wasn't pushing him to reveal what he meant, grateful for it as he took his dad's words of wisdom to heart. "I'll do what's best for me."

"Hey, Stevie, you havin' another hot dog too? I'm so starved, this is my third one." Soda added more potato chips to his plate as well, he and Steve then going to the folding table and chairs that were set up in the Curtises' backyard. "So did you talk to your dad?"

Steve gazed out across the patches of grass that separated them from Pony, Darry, and TwoBit, seeing the grill still going at the same time the others were laughing and conversing. "Yeah. I told him what happened and why. I told him a little bit more too, like what you and I talked about on Thursday. Maybe a little less graphically but still."

Soda heard a loud laugh and saw TwoBit's lawn chair tip over, the Greaser landing on the ground. "Hell, how about that? The chair threw him out on his ass."

Steve chuckled as they watched TwoBit scramble to his feet. "Yeah, sure did. Anyway, um, I realized something else when I was with my dad too. Something that seems really obvious, but it's important."

"Okay. What is it?"

"That I always come around to telling him stuff. Even if it takes me years, I do get there. So I think it'll be the same with what I told you. It'll take time, but I'll figure out how and when once I'm a little more settled myself."

"Of course you will. When I remember all the things you used to feel like you couldn't talk about, I know you really always-"

"Hey, you lovebirds, get over here and keep the rest of us company."

Steve's eyes moved from Soda to TwoBit, hardly even surprised their buddy had felt the need to interrupt the conversation. "Shut it, TwoBit. And what's with the weird comments lately? It's just me and Soda over here, no women."

TwoBit strolled over to where Steve and Soda were, taking a swig of his beer as he studied the two. "Nope. But you've got a bromance."

Steve grimaced at the made-up word. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Like a romance but between brothers."

"Oh. Well, don't go around saying that to people. It doesn't sound right."

"Aw, I won't, Steve-O. Don't worry."

"Who said I'm worried? I just don't want you making people think something that's not true."

"What 'people' are you talking about anyway?"

"I don't know. Just anybody you might run your mouth to at work or wherever."

Soda looked between his two friends, their argument making him laugh. "Man, ya'll sound like an old married couple. Maybe you two are the ones who ought to get a room. But, seriously, Stevie, he didn't mean any harm. He's just jokin' around, and you know he wouldn't say stuff like that to anybody besides us. It wouldn't even be any fun that way."

Steve slumped back in his chair, knowing that Soda's words could always bring him down from the annoyance TwoBit elicited within him. "No, I suppose it wouldn't be. This conversation doesn't leave the yard, TwoBit. Got me?"

TwoBit held his right hand up, his palm facing outward. "Yep. The bromance stays out here. Scout's honor."

"Yes, I have heard quite a bit about Steve during our time together so far, and I remember when you were nervous in regard to sharing his history with me."

Soda's session with Dr. Morgan had begun just a few minutes earlier, the holiday shifting his appointment to Tuesday afternoon. "Yeah, I was real nervous then, and, um, I'm kind of like that today too. 'Cause I feel funny about what I want to say to you now. It's just... I need to talk about it, and you're the only one I can tell."

Dr. Morgan was familiar with Soda's hesitation, able to recognize that he needed a few gentle nudges forward. "Okay. You're certainly free to discuss anything you like here, Sodapop. Did something else happen with Steve?"

"Sort of. I mean, nothin' else happened to him. He ain't hurt. Well, not physically anyway."

"Psychologically then?"

"Yeah, but it's because of what he went through before and how he looks back at it. I wish he didn't have to do that, you know? Not that I blame Steve. I just don't want him to keep hurtin' when he's come so far in healin' himself."

"I understand. So let's circle back a bit here because I'm sensing that we're talking around your main subject. What is it that you believe you can't tell anyone else?"

Soda knew Steve would be more than okay with him confiding in Dr. Morgan about how he'd felt upon hearing his newest thoughts on the abuse. In fact, his friend would absolutely encourage it, but even so, the topic seemed emotionally charged. "It's, um, just about the way Steve can see the abuse that happened in a harsher light, I guess you could say. He feels like the woman who did it, Clara, was attempting to rape him. She didn't actually, but he thinks it's what she had in mind on one particular night."

"And I take it Steve confided in you about this?"

"Yeah. He's dealin' with it bein' two years since his overdose, and that's makin' him reflect on even more too. I can see why, but it was tough to listen to. Not that I don't want Steve to talk to me. I really do. That's more important than anything else."

"Yes, I've learned that about you. You're a very loyal friend. So tell me about your reaction and feelings after hearing what Steve revealed to you."

"I cried a lot. Alone in my room at first, then Darry came and sat with me. It was nice to be the one getting comfort. I really needed it. I even felt sick to my stomach."

Dr. Morgan wrote something down in the notebook she always kept nearby during counseling sessions, her gaze then moving back up to her client. "I'm aware that you've listened to Steve talk about his trauma often since he first disclosed to you. You've told me that you remember some childhood details and that you experienced guilt as well. So now I'm wondering what else could be present within how you are in relation to now. I could see such urgency in your face when you were saying you needed to talk about this that I can't help but think it's deeper than sadness. In addition, I'm also remembering that you had complex feelings in response to Steve's suicide attempt."

Soda couldn't say that Dr. Morgan was wrong, even though he'd yet to do much exploration of how he'd felt after the conversation with Steve. He had simply let himself cry, acknowledging the sadness that came along with hearing about how his friend had suffered. "I ain't sure there's anything deeper. I don't feel guilty. It just hurts to see Steve in pain. I couldn't fix it either. Not any more than I could have when we were kids and I didn't even know about what was happening anyway. I guess I am scared though 'cause the memory Steve was talking about is the one that got to him the most right before his overdose. It caused him so much shame, and that feeling was a big part of the reason he thought he didn't want to live anymore."

"Are you afraid Steve may attempt to take his own life again?"

"Not really. 'Cause I just don't think he would. But he has less control over the suicidal thoughts. They can still come back and bother him. He knows how to cope better than he used to though. He's good about comin' to me or his dad or his counselor."

"But hearing about the abuse and the pain he feels still fuels your fear."

"Yeah. 'Cause I know those memories are a trigger for every terrible feeling Steve's ever had. They make me remember a lot too, and I never want to feel that helpless again. I never want to feel like I'm losin' my best friend 'cause of a bitch who never had the right to touch him."

If Dr. Morgan was bothered by the curse, she didn't show it, her expression unflinching as she continued to guide Soda toward what she believed to be a breakthrough he needed. "When have you felt helpless, Sodapop? Can you tell me about those times?"

"There are lots of them." Soda could attach that word to more instances than he'd ever be able to count, the concept like an overarching theme that had threaded its way through each major trauma he'd experienced. "You know I felt helpless when Steve overdosed, but I did even before that. When he first told me what happened to him and when I found out he had thought about hurting himself. Then I think about bein' a kid and realize over and over again how it went on right under my nose. I have this picture in my head of Steve bein' abused, and what he told me the other day made it stronger. It's almost like I can sit here and see that happening to him. I already knew Clara made him touch her, and that was hell for him. But if she was really tryin' to do more..."

Dr. Morgan was patient as Soda's voice trailed off, only prompting him after a few seconds of silence. "It must be even more traumatic for Steve to view his memory the way he is now, which makes it so for you too, right?"

"Yeah, it does." Soda imagined himself as an eleven-year-old boy tucked safely in his bed, knowing that's where he'd been every time Steve was hurt. "I was helpless back then too, but I didn't even know it yet." His mind flashing forward, Soda remembered his best friend's disclosure and each stage of his continuing recovery, the memories never collecting dust because he was so apt to return to them. "A lot of stuff has happened since we were kids, but I always go back to that. I could tell you so much about feeling helpless 'cause of my brother's fightin' and Pony runnin' away. 'Cause of our parents bein' taken away. 'Cause of me gettin' shot. We lost our friends three years ago this month too. But, somehow, nothin' kills my heart the way knowin' about the abuse does. Nothin' breaks my soul like rememberin' how bad Steve suffered when nobody was there to stop it."