Welcome back and welcome to new folks!
If you're one for content warnings, check the Author's Note at the end of the chapter. Hope you enjoy!
A piece of metal fell from the underbelly of the car Jacob worked on, clanging against the concrete floor of the garage. Bella looked up from her book, as Jacob picked it up with a mumbled, "whoops."
She returned to the dense prose of her Introduction to Economics textbook. The Forks library didn't have the newer version required for the class at Peninsula College, but the slightly outdated one was sufficient for Bella's purposes. It gave her something to do. She'd asked around about new jobs without much luck. Charlie and Jacob's stubborn optimism kept her from spiraling. And Harry Clearwater, who did not object to Bella loitering around his business while Jacob worked. He did play music constantly through the speakers of the auto shop, which Bella had learned to tolerate. His taste was all 70's and 80's rock music, which was not so painful a reminder.
Another distraction came from the shop's little office. Harry stood from his chair with a grunt and walked into the main room. Hands on his hips, he hovered around Jacob as he worked.
"Help you with something, Harry?" Jacob asked.
"Kid, I've been working on cars since you were in diapers."
"That's what you keep saying," Jacob said.
The two of them pointed at the filthy underside. Bella understood very little of their conversation. Despite all the time she spent watching Jacob work, she hadn't picked up much from him.
Harry returned to the office when the phone rang, then left the building and drove away in the toe-truck. When he was gone, Jacob stood up and wiped off his hands. He walked over to Bella, grabbed her face between his warm palms, and kissed her on the tip of her nose.
"Hey," Bella said.
"Hi." Jacob sat next to her. "You know you're the only person that's ever read a textbook front to back like this?"
Bella sniffed. "Not true. The person who wrote it probably read it at least once."
"Fair enough," Jacob said. "If you're bored, you could help Harry in the office. The files are all a mess and he hates dealing with it."
Bella looked across the room to the little office space. Through the grease-streaked windows, she saw the files piled haphazardly on shelves and chairs. The filing cabinets were overflowing, none of the drawers closed all the way. It would take her a week to organize all of it, at least. Would it seem weird if she offered to jump right in? She gripped the edges of her book and said, "I'm not that bored. I doubt Harry wants me in his business."
"Please," Jacob said, waving a hand, "he hates the office work. His brother was the one running things until he died a few years back, Harry always just wanted to work on the machines."
"Hmm." Bella swallowed. "I guess I could help, if I'm hanging around here all the time."
"Great!" Jacob wrapped a massive arm around her and squeezed her against his side.
"Just until I find another job…or start school."
"Sure, sure," Jacob said.
The next morning, Bella arrived at her usual time. Twenty-three minutes after they opened. Jacob always went through the routine of calling her when he arrived to invite her over, as if she wasn't waiting around at home for the call. Harry appeared almost immediately and pulled her into the little room, gave her a very rudimentary tour of the place, clarified that he would not be paying her, and set her to work. The project seemed to grow and grow with every drawer or box Bella opened. It took her a solid week to reach bedrock, the point in all the files where things abruptly started to make sense. The handwriting changed too, and Bella knew she'd reached the point when Harry's brother had been in charge.
From there, she started to understand how things should be organized. Bills from suppliers, copies of receipts given to customers, documentation of taxes paid and owed. She brought her Business Essentials textbook from the library to help properly categorize everything, and spent a whole day staring at the grainy screen of the old computer, reading about reservation-specific laws of operation and Quileute Tribal Council business incentives and taxation.
Everyone was happier. Except Jacob, who'd been perfectly content all along. Harry was back in the garage, his coveralls stained with grease within ten minutes of his arrival every morning. He seemed to spend at least an hour talking with everyone who walked through the door, and only came into the office to make himself coffee, which he insisted tasted better now that Bella had thoroughly scrubbed the surrounding area. The pair of them had teased her when she started cleaning the office, insisting it would only get dirty again. But it had been two full days of hard work that left her hands red and cracked and gave her several nights of heavy, dreamless sleep.
Harry often left the shop for long stretches during the day. To drive out somewhere with the truck. To meet Sue or Billy or one of his other thousand friends for lunch. To ferry Seth around to his rotation of gifted-student extracurriculars, only barely affected by his new membership in the wolfpack. Watching Billy interact with his community, it was easy to see where Seth got his bubbly personality. His father was the same, with a wider, shorter frame and gray hair. For the first time, Bella started to truly appreciate these people she'd known all her life. Charlie, the Blacks, the Clearwaters, Quil and Embry, and Quil's grandfather, who she recalled from the shadowy fog of childhood memory. It made her miss Aunt Sarah sharply, her lasagna Bella never quite managed to replicate, her familiar smell, and her way of always making Bella feel so loved.
"Bella?" Jacob interrupted Bella as she stared out the office window. Harry had already driven off, but she was still looking out at the wet road.
"Huh?" She startled, "oh, sorry."
Jacob smiled. "What were you thinking about?"
"Your mom, actually," Bella answered.
"What?" Jacob's eyebrows drew together, "why?"
Bella shrugged, her face flamed. "Don't know. Being down here all the time, it's like when we were little."
"Humph," Jacob's serious expression lightened, "like when you used to ignore me. Always with your head in a book."
Bella poked him in the chest and looked back out the window. Jacob came up behind her and wrapped his big, warm body around hers. His chin rested on the top of her head. When he spoke again, she felt his jaw moving.
"I miss her, a lot."
Bella pressed herself backwards against him, turned her head to kiss his arm lightly. "She was a wonderful mom."
"Yea," Jacob's voice scratched a little, "she was…I think she'd like us being together."
"Really?" Bella wondered. Her throat felt too dry, her eyes too wet.
"She always wanted you to stay here. She hated Renee," Jacob chuckled.
"What?" Bella turned halfway around to look up at him, "They were friends."
"Yea, at first. Your mom helped with Rachel and Rebecca when they were babies, and all our parents were friends. They had us at the same time, were best friends for like three years," Jacob said, "then Renee left, took you. Charlie was devastated, his parents sick too. I remember him sleeping on our couch sometimes, when he couldn't go home."
Bella swallowed, "I didn't know that."
Jacob lifted a shoulder. "Well, after that all I heard about Renee was bad. She wasn't feeding you enough, or packing the right clothes. What was she even using Charlie's checks for?...you get the picture."
An old instinct to defend her mother rose in Bella's chest, but faded just as quickly when she thought of the fractured image Renee had left behind. She remembered almost nothing of her first three years, living in Forks with both of her parents. But she remembered California, her grandmother looking after her day and night while Renee was gone with her constant string of classes and part-time jobs and friends and dates. Then Phoenix, in the same whirl of giddy happiness. Bella's brain struggled to reconcile the two images; Renee putting on her lipstick, telling Bella to be good for Gran, while Charlie cried himself to sleep on the Blacks' narrow couch. Maybe they'd happened the same night.
"Anyway," Jacob said lightly, "she always wanted you to be here, and here you are."
Bella forced a smile. "Here I am."
Her pretend happiness was convincing enough. He untangled himself from her and sat against the windowsill. "You know, this week is our six-month anniversary."
The break in Bella's chest fizzed unhappily, but she ignored it. Had she known that? "What are we counting? When Mike got sick at the movies? You and Paul trying to kill each other?"
"That was a brotherly misunderstanding," Jacob grinned and grabbed her hips to pull her closer. "And no, smarty pants. I was referring to March 25, in this wonderful year of 2006, when I finally worked up the courage to kiss you." He bent over to lay a series of loud smacks across the side of her face.
"Oh, right. I think I remember that," Bella chuckled. The kiss had been an agonizing loss and great relief at once, to finally have the tension broken and let herself fall. The gloom of Jacob's werewolf transformation had lifted in an instant.
Jacob groaned and leaned back. His expression was all dopey joy. "Let's go camping, it'll be romantic."
Bella wrinkled her nose.
"Aww, Bella," Jacob pulled her into his embrace, "I'll keep you warm. And just for you, I'll get a site at one of the stuck-up campgrounds with real toilets and running water."
That evening, when Charlie heard the plan, he pointed out it was already getting cold. There was potential there, for the usual stress of deception, but when Bella mentioned Jacob's sleeping bags, Charlie blustered and changed the subject quickly. He sat in the kitchen reading the newspaper while Bella assembled some food for the trip. She baked muffins, and prepped all the ingredients for tacos and pasta, gathered eggs and fruit and sausage for their breakfast. Enough for four humans, or one werewolf.
Bella watched the familiar shadows shift across her ceiling as she fell asleep. Before she noticed she'd fallen asleep, she was in a nightmare. She leaned over a pool of clear water, the bright blue sky and tree canopy reflecting in the water, behind Sarah Black's face. Bella tilted her head from side to side and the image moved accordingly. When she lifted her arm to touch the water's surface, her skin was warm brown and stained with paint. The reflection rippled from her fingertips, and another figure appeared in the mirage. "Renee?" Bella asked, with Sarah's voice. Her mother responded with another's bell-like voice, "I'm sorry, I have to leave." Bella turned to look up, and saw beautiful Alice, knelt beside her at the pond's edge. The dream flashed, and Alice turned back into Renee as she stood. Bella reached towards her, with a familiar man's hand. She spoke with Charlie's gruff voice, "please, don't go." Renee stepped onto the pond, now frozen solid and surrounded by a forest of white. A knock on Bella's bedroom door forced its way into the dream, synchronized to Renee's dancing footsteps on the ice.
"Bella? Jake's here," Charlie announced through the door.
A salty dryness stuck to Bella's eyelashes as she jolted awake, but she remembered nothing of the dream. She went to the bathroom to rinse her face, and saw tear tracks running sideways from where she'd cried in the night.
Jacob was sitting at the kitchen table when Bella descended from her bedroom. She overheard their usual topics of conversation; Billy and Rachel, Harry and the shop, the ongoing NFL season. The whole downstairs smelled of bacon, and Jacob was devouring food as fast as Charlie could cook it. There was a half-empty carton of eggs on the counter, which Bella knew had been full the previous evening.
"Hey!" Jacob exclaimed through a mouthful when Bella shuffled into the room.
"Hey," Bella said. She grabbed a slice of toast from the stack next to Charlie, covered it with a thin layer of butter and lots of jam, then sat down across from Jacob in Charlie's usual chair.
Jacob took a big slurp of his coffee, then reached across the table to rub his thumb across Bella's knuckles. Her eyes flashed over to Charlie, still focused on the eggs sizzling in the pan. Bella turned her hand over to hold Jacob's, warm and solid as always. His boyish grin helped lift some of the lingering sadness from Bella's dream. She didn't remember anything, but the sting in her chest when she woke up was a good indicator of the topic of her subconscious' imaginings.
Charlie turned off the stove, slid the eggs onto a plate and carried it to the table. He pulled the extra chair from beside the wall and sat down between Jacob and Bella. Jacob picked up a piece of bacon with his free hand. It crunched when he took a bite, cooked nice and crispy the way Charlie liked. Bella wanted to slide her hand out of Jacob's, it felt strange to show affection in front of her father, but neither of them even noticed. When Charlie reached for a coffee cup that wasn't there, Bella jumped into action.
"I'll get it," she said, pulling her hand from Jacob's grip.
"Thanks, Bells," Charlie said.
Bella made Charlie his coffee, then got herself another slice of toast, because she didn't want Jacob to think she'd been uncomfortable holding his hand. The food settled heavily in her stomach, and she sipped her glass of water slowly. Charlie and Jacob continued their conversation, which relied heavily on Jacob's ability to talk at length with anyone about anything. He told Charlie about his latest truck restoration project, a bright blue Chevy similar to Bella's, that Sam's mother had kept in a shed for the last fifteen years since Joshua Uley took off. Jacob's recollection of the restoration to Charlie did not include the significant cursing she'd overheard between him and Harry as they worked together on the rusted shell.
After breakfast, Bella washed the dishes while Jacob and Charlie loaded the food she'd made into the trunk of Jacob's car. There were several things secured to the Rabbit's rooftop too. Bella watched from the window as the two of them pointed to various things and spoke. The day outside was beautiful. A warm sun in a bright blue sky, big white clouds still days away from breaking into rain. Charlie slapped Jacob on the arm, Jacob tipped his head back and laughed. Bella's chest ached inexplicably. The feeling of missing something that she'd never even had burrowing deep between her ribs. She focused on the dishes.
Jacob returned just as she was finishing, and the two of them put everything away efficiently. Charlie went into the living room, and turned on the TV. A few minutes later, he announced that they'd have good weather for camping and hiking. Jacob and Bella walked into the living room, stood behind the couch and looked at the screen. The weather woman told them to enjoy the outdoors while the sun was still making an appearance. Charlie told him about his plans to go fishing with Billy and Harry, then warned Bella to pack some thick pajamas just in case.
Jacob nodded seriously while Charlie was looking, then smiled mischievously at Bella when he looked away. She would be warmer in his arms than this house. Bella's bag included warm clothes anyway, because she didn't want to have to cling to Jacob constantly, especially in a crowded campground.
Charlie walked them to the car, stood there while Jacob shoved Bella's backpack into the remaining space in the back. He gave them a little speech about wilderness safety. Keep the food locked in the car, or the food-storage container. Check weather conditions before you go hiking. Don't try swimming; even if it's sunny, the water is too cold. He looked directly at Bella and told her to carry her bear spray, it doesn't just work on bears. Bella rolled her eyes affectionately, and let him pull her into a sideways hug. Charlie stood on the porch and watched Jacob back out of the driveway, then waved as they turned onto the street.
The talk show on the radio began to crackle, then went silent altogether as they left town. Jacob turned it off and rolled down the window so the sound of the wind outside filled the car. They drove north, then east on Highway 101, around the perimeter of Olympic National Park. The dark forest loomed on either side of the road, with the clear blue sky above. Occasionally, the jagged mountains flashed between the towering trees in the distance, white snow shining on their peaks.
Jacob drove them to Fairground Campground, on the western shores of Lake Crescent. He left the car idling on the curb with Bella inside while he jogged into the ranger station to check-in. When he exited the little building, he held the door open for a pair of preteen girls, each of them holding a candy bar and soda can from the vending machine. They looked after him and giggled behind their hands as he walked back towards Bella.
"Here," Jacob said, sliding back into the driver's seat. He handed Bella the campground map, the route to their site marked in green highlighter. "Be my navigator."
"Aye aye, captain," Bella said.
She oriented herself on the map, then directed Jacob to their spot. It had a beautiful view of the water. When they got out of the car, Bella stood there and just stared for a moment. The clouds and surrounding mountains were reflected on the lake's surface, like a slightly blurry mirror. When she went to help Jacob unpack the car, he shooed her away. He rummaged around in the trunk, found what he was looking for, then walked over to the tree line. He strung up a hammock between two trees, so the seat would have a perfect view.
"Sit here," Jacob said, looking at Bella and pointing at the hammock.
"I can help–" Bella started.
"Nope," Jacob interrupted. He grabbed her gently by the elbow and pulled her over. Then held the hammock steady while she sat down.
"Okay," Bella sat back, so her feet hung over the edge and she could look out over the lake and surrounding forest. "This is nice."
Jacob grinned, and pushed her a bit so she had a little swing. He ran back to the car, rummaged again, and returned with a blanket. He draped it over her, gave her a kiss, and went to work on setting up the campsite. There was a cool breeze coming across the water, and Bella tucked the blanket around herself. She put her arms behind her head and moved her legs back and forth to keep the hammock swinging gently. Jacob hummed to himself as he unloaded the car and put everything into place, but it didn't bother Bella. Billions of melodies didn't hold specific memories of Edward, and most of them didn't hurt anymore.
Several birds were floating on the lake's surface. Bella watched them bop with the slightest ripples, occasionally, one of them dove headfirst into the water or shook out its feathers. In the distance, a group of people paddled around in bright orange kayaks. One of them sent a splash of water up at their companion, and Bella shivered in sympathy. The trees above rustled in the breeze, several of their canopies tinged with the auburn, red, and gold. A Stellar's Jay watched from a nearby branch, his sapphire crest shimmered in the light as he waited attentively for Jacob to drop a morsel of food.
Jacob announced when everything was ready for her. He made her go inside the tent and test the air mattress he'd brought just for her. Because the last time they'd gone camping with his friends and their girlfriends, Bella hadn't slept a wink in a sleeping bag on the ground. They'd only brought the one thick blanket, for Bella to carry around the site. Jacob wouldn't get cold sleeping outside in a blizzard, and Bella wouldn't get cold sleeping next to him.
They packed lunch into a backpack, which Jacob carried, and set off along the trail that ran along the lakes edge. Across the water, they could still see the highway through the trees, and it was strange to notice the line of cars and motorcycles and enormous RVs when they were in a peaceful, near-silent forest on the other side. They found a large, flat boulder to lay out their blanket and picnic, in the shadow of an ancient Western Hemlock tree. Jacob ate three sandwiches, and Bella finished hers. She leaned against him for a while, as they listened to the soft noises of nature around them and watched the tiny waves lap against the rocky shore.
Eventually, Jacob grew restless. He left Bella on the rock, grinning, and stripped down to his underwear. Bella looked away, until he'd waded into the water and it was up to his hips.
"Wanna join?" He teased.
Bella leaned forward to touch the water with her fingertips, it was freezing. She shook off her hand and chuckled, "hell no."
Jacob smiled, "you can hold onto me, I won't let you get cold."
Bella pushed her fists into the pockets of her sweatshirt and sat back against the tree trunk. "Keep yourself warm, wolfboy. You might need your toes someday."
With an open-mouthed laugh, Jacob flopped backwards into the water. Droplets from his enormous splash landed on the rock just inches from Bella's feet. Several nearby birds paddled away or took flight suddenly. Jacob emerged several yards further out, now treading in the water with just his head above the surface.
He said something, but Bella couldn't quite hear.
"What?" She called.
He beamed at her. "I said, you look really pretty!"
Bella's cheeks heated. She covered her face with her hands and glared at him between her fingers. He broke his smile to make a kissing face, smacking his lips together in loud, exaggerated smooches. Struggling to resist her smile, Bella rolled her eyes and groaned. She shifted to lie on her back on the rock, balling up Jacob's t-shirt for a makeshift pillow.
The sounds of Jacob splashing mixed with the symphony of life all around. Birdsong and insects buzzing through the air, the distant noise of the highway on the other side of the narrow lake. The wispy clouds made their crawling progression across the blue sky. Bella watched them through the layers of conifer branches above her.
Jacob emerged from the water and snuck up on Bella as she dazedly watched the wind brush through the trees.
"Gotcha!" He exclaimed, kneeling next to her and shaking his shaggy hair like a dog. Frigid water droplets went flying in every direction, Bella squealed and brought her arms up to cover her face. Jacob smiled, leaning down to kiss her. His lips weren't so hot now, cooled from the water nearly to a normal human temperature.
When he pulled away, Bella smiled at him, then shoved against his chest. "Naughty doggy."
"Ouch," Jacob groaned, laying down beside her in only his dripping underwear. "So hurtful."
Bella chuckled and went back to staring at the sky. "Did you enjoy your swim?"
"I certainly did, thank you," he answered primly.
Jacob's wet, brown skin over the smooth muscles of his body looked like the very image of summer. For so long, she'd thought of him as her personal sun, and it was so easy to imagine him that way. Warmth and light and joy poured out of him like water over a cliff.
Six months, they'd been dating, officially. The thought carved Bella out. The usual cocktail of agony, grief, guilt, and anger roiled inside of her. Her six-month anniversary with Edward would've been just a week or so before her disastrous birthday. It passed unnoticed, at least by Bella. Edward would've realized, and probably kept quiet about it because she had already made such a fuss about not celebrating her birthday. Would he have insisted on something after their first year? Or was he never planning to stay that long? Edward had been gone nearly twice as long as she'd known him. And yet any attempts to let him go, as he'd intended, felt like she was cutting a part of herself out with a white-hot blade. Bella's throat began to sting. She closed her eyes and made herself breathe evenly against the ache in her chest.
Jacob shifted, took her hand in his and let them rest between them on the rock. His hand was still damp, but the water was already lukewarm from the heat of his skin. The solid presence of him beside her eased the pain, as it always had. When the soreness faded, she felt calm and content too. She'd been with Jacob for as long as Edward, and Jacob was happy. The remaining parts of her were enough for him, her sunshine boy.
The familiar resolution took hold in Bella's chest. She'd brought herself back to life for Charlie, given up her hallucinations of Edward and forced herself past her discomfort with romance for Jacob. She could find some new pieces to give him. He deserved a version of Bella who was able to care about him the way he loved her.
Bella wiped at the tear that escaped down her face. She squeezed Jacob's hand and promised herself I will be enough for you. I promise, your life will not suffer because I'm so broken. I will keep myself together, for you.
That evening, Bella prepared their dinner at the table while Jacob walked to the campground store to buy firewood. He walked around gathering kindling, then hunched over the small pit as Bella began wrapping pulled pork sandwiches in foil to heat on the grill.
"Aw, shit," Jacob mumbled. Bella looked over and saw him digging through the pockets of his shorts.
"What?" She asked.
"Can't find the lighter," he walked over to the tent and started looking through the backpack there. From inside, he called, "check the car!"
"Sure, sure."
Bella opened the rabbit's driver's side door and sat behind the wheel for the first time. Her feet couldn't reach the pedals. She leaned across the gearshift console to rummage in the glove box first. A few seconds later, Jacob's collection of paperwork and receipts were sufficiently disarranged, with no sign of the lighter. She looked around for another space to check, then slid her hand into the pouch on the inside of the door. Her hand closed around something that felt suspiciously like a candy bar wrapper. Intending to throw it away, she pulled the object out. Instead, Bella found herself staring at a pair of condoms in their crinkled gold packaging.
"Found it!" Jacob's announcement was muted through the car door.
Bella sucked in a breath and shoved the little foil packets back where she'd found them. She stumbled out of the car and forced herself to inhale and exhale, the cool lake air soothing the panicked tightness in her throat.
"It somehow wound up at the bottom of my backpack," Jacob informed her with a chuckle.
"Weird," Bella murmured.
She returned to her station at the picnic table and collected everything for dinner. Everything that needed to be cooked, she brought over to Jacob, who was thankfully too immersed in building up the fire to pay her much attention.
Bella had brought a book to read, and she sat-cross legged on the camping chair next to the first with it opened to the beginning of chapter three. Fiction was still difficult, but her meticulous reading of her textbooks had inspired Bella to try non-fiction, and Renee's suggestion of My Life so Far by Jane Fonda was perfect for her purposes. The memoir of a whirlwind life in the sunny, mythic Hollywood of the 1960's and 70's triggered no unwelcome memories at all. But it wasn't distracting for Bella now.
She stared at the page as Jacob cooked over the climbing flames, and considered her discovery in the car.
Jacob had completely rebuilt the car from scratch, so the condoms could only be his. Maybe he'd put them there without any intention. A 'just in case' optimism of someone with a teenage boy's overflowing sexual appetite. Except, Jacob didn't seem to have one of those, not like some of the boys in high school, who seemed to exist in a constant haze of testosterone. Jacob was perfectly respectful of Bella's slow pace in their physical relationship, once she'd agreed to be his girlfriend. He was letting her lead everything.
The realization twisted like a sickness in Bella's stomach. She wouldn't lead them anywhere. If she had her way, they'd always stay as they were today, best friends who held hands, curled up together on the couch to watch movies, and sometimes kissed. Bella could have done without the kissing, but once she'd gotten over the hurdle of kissing someone besides Edward, she was fine with it. Would sex be different? It was supposed to be, she knew. That's why everyone seemed to make such a huge deal out of it. Obviously Jacob was thinking about it, even if he'd yet to try anything.
How long until Jacob started deepening their kisses, chasing more? Or would he just continue to wait for her? More impatient and resentful with every day that passed. The intimacy that frightened Bella, more than the act itself. Always the possibility that Jacob would see her in her most vulnerable state, and notice the rot inside of her. The cracks that would never heal, no matter how much he loved her.
Years earlier, in a rare attempt at real parenting, Renee had given Bella 'the talk.' Mostly, she'd left the mechanics to a information pamphlet, and given Bella all the warnings about the perils of teenage pregnancy, and throwing away your life for a boy, and men in general. At the time, Bella had noticed the contradiction, because Renee gave her constant string of boyfriends plenty of love and attention, with no concern for their supposed determination to ruin her life with their male nonsense. But now, Bella remembered only one of Renee's many points: Bella, teenage boys only want one thing.
Logically, Bella knew it wasn't true. Even her own experience told her it wasn't. But the fear of disappointing Jacob was already settling into her. The age-old advice to wait until she felt 'ready' was entirely unhelpful. The version of Bella that had experienced that sensation with Edward was gone, and current Bella had no idea how to revive those feelings within herself.
"Bella?" Jacob's voice cut through her mind's whirl.
Bella looked up from the page and saw Jacob standing over her with a paper plate of food. He raised an eyebrow. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just zoned out. Tired, I think," Bella said. She shut the book and took the plate.
Jacob smiled, accepting her excuse easily. He heaped several sandwiches onto a plate and sat in the other chair. As always, Jacob seemed to understand what Bella needed from him. They ate in comfortable silence as the sky darkened, the fire's orange flames seeming to lick higher and higher into the sky. When they were done, Jacob took their dishes to the bear-safe dumpster, he stopped to grab something from the car before he returned. Then, he proudly presented the familiar Uno card deck that had spawned so many laughs, arguments, and tears over the years of their shared summer childhoods.
"You're so on, Swan," Jacob said.
"Bring it," Bella returned.
He dragged his chair towards her so their knees were touching. The blanket draped over her lap made the playing table. They played until Bella was squinting to see the cards in the darkness, with occasional breaks for Jacob to throw another log on the fire. There were no tears, or arguments, just the comfort of Jacob's presence lifting Bella from her panic. Eventually, they were yawning more than talking, and Jacob suggested going to sleep.
While Jacob extinguished the fire, Bella retrieved her toiletries and pajamas from the car, then walked along the road with the lantern until she reached the lights of the bathhouse. Several other campsites were occupied, though all of them had RVs or campers, the night air whipping off the lake was already frigid. As she brushed her teeth, Bella told herself that everything would be fine. That nineteen-year-olds in relationships had sex all the time, and no one freaked out about it. Jacob would only love her more for it.
As it turned out, Bella's anxiety amounted to nothing that night. Jacob climbed into the tent after her and kissed her goodnight with no more passion than he did when dropping her off in front of Charlie's house. She curled against his warm, solid body as the night's cold set in outside. They only had a thin blanket over them, but Jacob put off heat like a furnace. She slept in his arms straight through the night, with no dreams, and did not wake until the sun began to heat the polyester exterior of their shelter.
On September 25, the actual day of their six-month anniversary according to Jacob, the two of them left their campsite for a day split between Port Angeles and Olympic National Park. They drove up the winding road to Hurricane Ridge, then hiked along the sloping mountainside. At the crest of the rocks, they looked to their left over the Strait of Juan de Fuca to the wilds of Vancouver Island, the tiny boats in their constant circuit between Port Angeles and Victoria. To the right, the mountains climbed into the bright blue sky. They looked so enormous that it was difficult to imagine more earth on the other side. There were still wildflowers in bloom along the trail, soft pink and bright purple peaking up between rocks and among the swaying grasses.
At the literal top of a mountain, Jacob gave her a little box, wrapped in newspaper.
"I didn't buy it. I made it," he said, "so no whining."
Bella opened it, and gasped, "Jake."
The little carved wolf sat against a cushion of cotton balls. He took it out and wrapped the delicate silver chain around her wrist. The charm sat just inches from the scar of James' venom.
"I love it," Bella said.
He grinned. "Good."
"I didn't get you a gift."
Jacob chuckled and shook his head. Then kissed Bella, like she herself was all he wanted in the world.
For lunch, Jacob drove them back down into Port Angeles, where they went to the harbor area for burritos served out of a truck, eaten on a bench overlooking the water. Jacob finished most of Bella's food, which was fine, because he also bought her an ice cream cone.
The afternoon, they spent on what Jacob labeled 'fun errands.' Port Angeles had a larger selection of salvage and second-hand automobile parts in their hardware store, which Bella watched him sort through gleefully. Then he took her to the bookstore, where she browsed the shelves for a solid two hours. Even ignoring the fiction selection, there was a whole world of books to discover. She found a biography of Alexander Hamilton and read the entire first chapter standing between the shelves, then did the same with a political analysis of post-Soviet Poland, and an economic overview of Latin America in the 20th century.
Jacob carried around the stack of books that interested her as she walked around, then helped her return eleven of them to their places before taking the remaining three to the counter.
"Whatcha want for dinner?" Jacob asked as they resettled in the car. "I'm thinking pizza, or pasta, or maybe burgers? I'm too hungry to decide?"
"Burgers, definitely," Bella said immediately. Italian food in Port Angeles would definitely hold too many reminders.
In a small diner, Bella and Jacob sat at a table with a red and white gingham tablecloth, to eat their burgers with milkshakes, just like in a movie. On the walk back to the car, Jacob picked a soft pink hydrangea bloom from someone's sidewalk and handed it to her. Bella carried it with her back to the car, then set it on the dashboard to dry out in the sun.
When they returned to the campsite, Bella and Jacob sat together in the hammock and watched the light dance off the water's surface as the sun sank into the horizon behind them. The condoms in the car still scratched at the edges of Bella's mind, but she made herself ignore the rising panic. In the tent, before bed, she let Jacob deepen their goodnight kiss until his tongue was skating across her lips, then into her mouth. He rolled them so he was on top of her, carefully keeping his weight from crushing her. His hot lips planted kisses down her neck and across the top of her chest, where her thin, oversized t-shirt had slid down. He asked if she was okay, and ready to do more, and sure about this, I want you to be sure, we don't have to.
Bella nodded, then said 'yes' when he raised an eyebrow. She took deep, calming breaths into her stomach while he pulled off his clothes, then hers. With his enhanced, werewolf vision, Jacob saw every detail of her naked body. But Bella could hardly see anything in the darkness, which helped. The foil package crinkled as he opened it, Bella stared at the shadowy silhouette of his body. Her fingers dug into the muscles of his arms as he pressed inside, biting her lip at the sting. For a long time, he didn't move, then moved so slowly Bella barely noticed it.
Jacob pressed his face into the crook of her neck and breathed his hot breath against her collarbone as he thrust into her body. Bella held onto him and squeezed her eyes shut. When he shook, went still, and groaned, she felt an overwhelming sense of relief, and pride in herself. She opened her eyes to find him beaming down at her.
"I love you," he said shakily.
Bella swallowed. "I love you, too."
This was her first time saying it aloud, and the euphoria was practically rolling off Jacob in waves. It was not a lie, Bella reminded herself as Jacob kissed her again. His teeth brushed her lips as they kissed because he kept smiling against her mouth. The love between her and Edward had been something otherworldly, intense as a burning star and just as likely to scorch her to the bone. Her feelings for Jacob were the normal, human level of love. The kind where she enjoyed his presence, and smiled when he smiled, and didn't want to lose him. Just because she could go a minute without thinking of him did not mean she didn't love him. Jacob settled back into the mattress, leaving an ache between her legs. He pulled her against his side and rubbed along her spine. The motion soothed the chill racing across Bella's skin.
Even as their bodies relaxed and Jacob's breathing began to slow with sleep, Bella felt wide awake. The skin of her chest and stomach began to prickle with sweat where it pressed against Jacob's overheated body. She slowly squirmed out of his grasp and rolled onto her back. The distant light of the bathhouse and the moon's glow illuminated their surroundings just enough for Bella to look at the dark shapes of leaves landed on top of the tent. She waited until Jacob started snoring softly, then carefully shuffled to the edge of the mattress and pulled on her pajamas, feeling instantly better for no longer having her bare skin exposed to the cool air. He slept through her unzipping the tent, and stepping outside, then closing the door behind her, blanket tight against her chest.
The air outside was frigid without Jacob's radiating heat, but Bella sucked it through her lungs and enjoyed the refreshing feeling of it against her overheated skin. She pulled her sneakers onto her bare feet, and walked slowly to the bathroom in the darkness. She kept the blanket wrapped around herself, feeble protection against the threats of the forest at night. A few of the other campsites still showed signs of life. The string of colorful lights between an RV's canopy, the flickering orange glow of a fire and distant rumble of conversation.
A bright red spot of blood stained the toilet paper when Bella wiped, and she stared at it for a while. Her first thought was no wonder Edward didn't want to have sex with me.
Before she even realized it, Bella felt a sob rack through her throat. Her eyes stung, then her vision blurred. She threw the paper into the toilet, bundled up some more, and pressed it tightly against her stinging vagina. The tears kept coming, and Bella kept feeling sick in her gut. Because she wanted, so badly, to be happily curled against Jacob, safe and warm in his arms with Edward a faded memory. But every passing day seemed determined to convince her that was impossible. Over a year later, and she still could not shake the instinctual surety that she was meant to be with him. And that Jacob was only a surface level painkiller for Edward's absence.
Someone came into the bathroom. Bella bit her lip to stifle a sob. A woman's warm voice guiding a sleepy toddler through the process of brushing her teeth. Bella wiped her eyes and dropped the paper into the toilet without looking at it. She flushed and fixed her clothes, then kept her head down as she squeezed in next to them to wash her hands. She'd thrown the blanket over the top of the stall. She grabbed it and wrapped it around herself once more as she left the little building.
Jacob's snoring was just audible as she walked back towards the tent, but Bella didn't feel right taking her still crying self back to him.
Instead, Bella sat on the narrow strip of rocky shoreline right next to their campsite. The water lapped in tiny waves a few inches from her toes, and she wrapped her arms around her knees with the blanket surrounding her.
The moon hung over the mountains. Just a sliver of white light throwing hundreds of glittering sparkles across the water's surface. Tears continued to track down Bella's face, though she barely felt herself crying. The familiar pain in her chest competed with the new pain between her legs. Even as this fresh loss settled into her, Bella felt a sort of oblivion overtake her mind. Like she'd been holding onto a hot iron and suddenly decided to just unclench her hand. All this time, she'd be clinging to the agony of losing Edward, and now her body felt the relief of understanding that there was nothing she could do about it. He was gone, never to return. But Bella was still here, with a man who loved her, crying over the man who'd left her.
Something shifted in the darkness. Bella's heart suddenly pounded into her throat as she searched between the trees to her right. She was too accustomed to living in a world of monsters.
A deer emerged from the tree cover in total silence, as if it had only rustled the leaves to get Bella's attention. It lowered its head, the image of its face briefly reflecting in muted grays and browns. The surface rippled as it drank from the shallow water, its body completely still. Bella looked around herself, towards the tent and the rest of the campground, feeling a brief, pack-animal urge to alert everyone else in the vicinity. But when she looked back at the deer, it stared up at her with total calm.
"Hello," Bella whispered.
The deer shook out its ears.
"I bet you and your friends are glad they're gone." Her voice rasped.
The deer blinked, one of its feet shifted, sending a few pebbles skidding into the water.
Bella sniffled. "More mountain lions though."
The deer turned away and stalked back into the forest, looking for all the world like it disapproved of Bella's attempt at humor. Bella herself let out a wet chuckle, it made her sternum flare. But it was not the old gaping chasm, more like pressing a bruise that was already halfway healed. I can do this. The thought occurred to her as if placed there randomly by a divine power, and she knew it was true.
Content Warning: Less that enthousiastic loss of virginity.
Author's note: This chapter was so difficult to write. I've had this experience of "i don't want to, but i feel like I have to/need to." If you've felt this too, I hope you're doing alright and know now that you should NEVER have to feel this conflicted about anything that happens to your body. Jacob isn't a villain here, the forced sexualization and constant objectification of young women is.
Anyway, if you enjoyed or have literally any thoughts, let me know in the comments. Also, if any of yall twilight fandom folks want a fun place to hang out, join our discord! its sooo fun in there we've got all sorts goin on (18+ ONLY!) /twilight-forever-775109096839577600