Dame Fortuna

Chapter 14: Retreat

The exhaustion and stress from the day she'd had must have caught up to her sometime during the drive, because Bella found herself waking up to what must have been several hours later. The clear sky was already brightening up.

The engine and air conditioning were still on, but Edward wasn't next to her. It didn't take long to find him, though; there he was, right outside, leaning on the hood of the car with his back to her. There was a lit cigarette between his fingers.

Bella was more well-rested now. She decided she was ready for the conversation.

She studied their surroundings as she took her time in stepping out of the car. They seemed to be parked along the fishing docks of God-knows-where. She guessed a small, remote town, with the way there were barely any buildings or establishments around the area. Bella followed her partner's gaze––a group of old fishermen were excitedly bringing in their catch of the day.

To Bella's surprise, one of them––a man who had to be at least sixty––raised his hand to wave at her companion. "Morning, Tony!"

Edward only raised a hand and nodded politely in response.

Bella decided to mirror his position next to him on the hood. She crossed her arms as she looked up at him warily and curiously.

He chose to speak first, although his gaze was still fixed on the docks across from them. "I didn't want to wake you."

"Where are we?"

Edward didn't respond to that, and chose to take a long drag of his cigarette instead.

"You don't smoke," Bella noted quietly.

"Wrong. I only stopped." He finally turned to face her. The bags under his green eyes were darker than they'd ever been, but at the very least, he looked relaxed. "Would you like one?"

Bella shook her head, shoving her hands inside the pockets of her pullover.

"Come take a walk with me."

She followed him, of course, and soon they were taking a leisurely stroll along the uneven path along the docks. She couldn't help but notice that while the sparse townspeople in the area generally left them alone, some would nod politely or smile in Edward's direction as they passed.

Edward decided to sate her curiosity for her. "When I disappear for days at a time, it's not always for business or meetings. Sometimes, I…just run away and go to places like this one."

She pursed her lips as she stared at their moving feet. "Well, you must like this one a lot. They recognize you."

He chuckled softly, and despite herself, her heart fluttered at the gentle sound. "I usually come at night. Get some drinks, occasionally talk to people. They know me as Tony with the Maserati. I told them I'm a traveling salesman."

Bella couldn't help but smile at that. "They bought that?"

"It's why I like this place." He shrugged once. "They don't ask a lot of questions. Instead, they're happy enough to answer all of mine."

"I see," she said quietly.

They eventually ended up at a secluded, rundown gazebo. Bella's heart warmed when she felt his hand guide her by the small of her back until they sat down. They were facing the shore now. It was when she immersed herself in the smell of fresh fish and the peaceful sound of the water lapping against the sand that she finally understood.

This was his retreat.

"Look at this place," he murmured, his eyes turning hazy. "Look at these people. They have no idea who I am. The things I've done. They don't have an inkling of the type of depravity they're sharing this––beautiful world with. It's…"

Bella nodded slowly. "I know."

"I pretend sometimes," he continued, chuckling once more to himself. "That I am Tony with a Maserati, just passing by town for a drink before a client meet. That I'm living the best life, traveling for a living, meeting all sorts of fascinating, normal people who see me the exact same way. And that every weekend I always come back to…my wife, patiently waiting for me at home with the kids."

She swallowed deeply, her eyes downcast. "What would she be like?"

"I don't dream that far. She doesn't exist."

A long pause. "Then why don't you just run away?"

His head swiveled in her direction, his green eyes narrowing.

"I can tell you're…suffering," Bella sighed, her voice cracking. "It's as you said. You never asked to be born in this kind of world. It's been eating you up ever since."

"Would you go with me if I did?"

Bella stopped breathing. His eyes were pensive now, even sad, as he studied her expression. "I…would. Yes, I would."

At that, Edward's lips curved into a wistful smile. "Here I was thinking you'd finally be honest with me, after everything we've been through. After everything I've learned."

Bella finally exhaled, her chest tightening painfully with guilt. "I told you. The memory you were holding on to was a lie. I'm not the girl who you think I am. This…world, this is where I belong. What I deserve."

He surprised her by wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him on the gazebo bench.

And she couldn't help it anymore. She let the frustrated, shameful tears she'd been holding back to flow out and down her cheeks. She sobbed quietly, and even though she knew didn't deserve it, Edward's hand wandered up to her shoulder to rub it soothingly.

"I would never run away either," he assured her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I thrive and belong where I am. It's just a daydream––to keep myself sane, nothing more."

He paused for a moment, lifting her by the chin to face him.

"The last time I thought about leaving everything behind was actually right before I met you. My favorite memory. Still."

Bella looked up at him with tear-filled eyes questioningly.

Edward smiled softly down at her. "I mentioned my mother took her life back in Oregon. I…failed to mention it was that same night, after the party."

She released a sharp breath. "What?"

He nodded once, still smiling. "Once she did, I could never bring myself to leave."

"Why?"

He turned towards the horizon again, his finger tapping steadily on her shoulder. "Because that means I would also be leaving him all by himself."

"I…"

"This is why I'm very upset with you, Bella," he said, but his voice remained gentle and kind. "You thought I wouldn't understand. You believed it would crush me, knowing the things you'd done for the sake of a father who didn't deserve it. That I would see you any differently."

She closed her eyes, her jaw clenching slightly.

"I could never leave him," he said again, looking down at the ground. "He loved my mother. It's his only redeeming, human quality. Losing her…He would've found a way to get himself killed. The only reason he's survived this long was because of me. And I do it willingly––dutifully, because whether or not he admits it, he needs me just as I need him. We're family. And I'm the only one who understands him."

"He knows that," Bella said softly. "He wasn't about to hesitate to take me down for your sake. That's…something."

"Perverse, like I said."

They stayed like that for a long while, mulling over their own personal hells, juxtaposed in a tranquil, idyllic setting by the lovely shore. They remained in comfortable silence for what seemed like hours as the number of passersby and boats arriving at the docks began to increase. The town was waking up.

"Let me do it for you, Edward," she finally said.

He pulled away and swiveled his head to face her, eyes narrowed.

"Let me help you," she tried again. "In this war."

She'd expected it, but it hurt just the same to watch the softness disappear from his orbs.

"You know what I'm capable of," she continued anyway. "The world can't hurt me the way you thought it would. You know all of me now."

He merely stared back at her for a long while, the corner of his lips curved into a frown. Eventually, however, he said, "You didn't exactly leave me much of a choice, sweetheart. With you going straight to Carlisle."

Her brows furrowed.

"You've thoroughly impressed him," he said, shaking his head slightly. "He's fascinated and might even trust you now. That's a very rare feat. While he says he wouldn't go against my favor, I know he isn't going to let up. And…he's right. What you suggested back there––a woman's touch––might actually work."

There was an uneasiness in his expression though, so she said, "But…?"

Edward turned to look at her. "Do you really want this, Bella?"

"I––"

"Really think about it," he cut off, leaning forward. "Because he's right. It's going to be dangerous. You're not going to be playing games in neutral grounds like Bluewave anymore. Your life is at actual stake this time. While I'll always be right behind you, you'll…have to be able to protect yourself, too."

"Protect myself," Bella repeated. "You mean…"

A flash of a memory of blond locks seeped with red permeated her mind. She instinctively shivered.

"This is war," he reminded her gravely.

Bella nodded slowly, and the answer came to her regardless. "To the pits of hell, Edward. Remember?"

He sighed, defeatedly, pulling her close to him again by the waist.

"How come you've never brought me with you here before?" Bella asked after several minutes of comfortable silence, leaning her head against his shoulder.

His fingers began to run themselves through the locks at the back of her head. "I thought I was the only one who needed an occasional retreat. But after today…I realize all this time, you need it just as much as I do."

She pulled away, raising a leg to fully face him on the bench. Her cheeks were completely dry now, and there was a sweet smile on her lips. "A new tradition, then."

"Hmm." He mirrored her position and took her hands in his. "Alright. What's your story?"

She bit her lip. "I thought it'd be obvious. I'd be your wife, of course. Marie."

His sage green eyes sparkled at the words, and her heart twisted at the sight of his lopsided smile. Her favorite. "Marie," he repeated, as if relishing the sound of the name.

"I…got tired of always missing you at home," she murmured. "I want to travel the world with you. And follow you to the ends of the earth. Forever."

Edward leaned in, caressing her cheek as he pressed his lips softly against hers. Between gentle, loving kisses, he whispered cheekily, "But what about the kids?"

She threw her head back and laughed genuinely for the first time in so long. "Please. That never happened, and will never happen, Ed––Tony."

Edward shook his head, feigning disappointment. "Three."

"No."

"Oh, come on," he groaned, shifting his position on the bench to pull her onto his lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and kissed her again, on the cheek this time. "Two?"

"I swear to God––"

Her breath caught in her throat, though, as she regarded his face so close to hers. He looked so…relaxed and peaceful. Genuinely happy. As if the storm of a brewing war wasn't coming anytime soon. As if his life wasn't hell at all.

And he looked at her so softly, as if she wasn't living one either. Just as you are, he'd promised.

"What is it?" he asked, slightly narrowing his green eyes.

"Nothing, I…" She traced the side of his cheekbone with a nail, mesmerized by the way his eyelids fluttered shut. "You own my heart, Edward Cullen. No matter how wretched and broken it is. If you'll still have me, after everything."

He opened his eyes and smiled. "That's more than enough."

Several days after having their visitors, Tanya decided to go to the market.

It was refreshing to finally be able to walk out by herself––well, while being tailed by a couple of Carlisle's suits––without having to look over her shoulder with the fear of being taken down. It was as he promised. She had her life back, after several long months.

She took her time exploring the secluded beachside city she now called home. Despite it being past seven in the evening, the market was still relatively crowded. Tanya walked up to several stalls, taking her pick of the fresh fruit and fish, bargaining prices as she did.

She decided to go home earlier than she had planned to make dinner. Might as well, although she'd never been a good cook. It would be the first meal she'd be making for her new…husband. Her partner, now. He'd probably be home in a couple of hours.

She was someone's wife now.

Despite herself, she felt excited as she sat in the backseat on the way home, her freshly manicured fingers holding several paper bags from her shopping. She practically bolted out of the car as soon as they pulled into the elliptical driveway of the estate. The guard by the door even raised a brow when she greeted him a little too enthusiastically.

Tanya was already unpacking her produce from the bags when one of the cooks––Alessia, if she recalled correctly––stepped inside the kitchen with a wary expression on her face.

"Ms. Tanya," the elderly woman greeted, bowing slightly. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making dinner for him," Tanya said, smiling widely at her as she pulled out a large bowl from the cupboard for the salad. "Is he home yet?"

Alessia clasped her hands together awkwardly in front of her. "What are you making?"

"I'm not sure," she hummed, puckering her lips for a moment. "I have some salmon. Perhaps pan-seared salmon? And a Greek salad."

"I don't think that's a good idea, ma'am."

Tanya froze her movements then, raising a brow at the woman.

Alessia pursed her lips, looking down apologetically. "Mr. Cullen hates fish."

"Oh…" Tanya chuckled nervously. "I––should've known that, right?"

Alessia decided to politely laugh along with her. "The salad would probably be alright. But as for the mains, I've already prepared a ribeye for him. Rare. His favorite."

"Steak," Tanya said slowly. "Of course."

"And I only prepared it just in case," Alessia continued. "He informed the staff he's not having dinner tonight."

"I see." Tanya didn't know why her chest twisted at the sound of that. As to why she was disappointed at all. "Well…I'm hungry. And I want salmon."

Alessia smiled then. "Let me help you prep."

They worked around in comfortable silence. Alessia was kind enough to teach her how to properly sear the fish. The woman also showed her where all the equipment and tools––some of which looked expensive and unfamiliar, since Tanya had never invested so much in cooking.

"Eat with me, Alessia," Tanya invited half an hour later, after setting the salad and fish down on the long glass table.

The cook looked unsure for a moment. "I…"

"Please," Tanya insisted, already pulling out a seat for her.

Just as when they were cooking, they also ate in comfortable silence.

"How long have you been working for Carlisle?" Tanya asked conversationally once she'd finished her plate.

Alessia dabbed the corners of her lips with a napkin. "Full-time, around three years. But I've…been following the Cullens around the country for going on twenty years, ma'am."

"Twenty––" Tanya's eyes widened. The information eventually finally dawned on her. "You mean you were here since––I mean you've met…"

Alessia quietly set the napkin down on the table, the wrinkles around her dark eyes hardening slightly.

Tanya swallowed. She didn't even know her name. She never dared ask Carlisle anything about it either. But after running with the Cullens for as long as she had, she eventually pieced some things together. About the shadow of the woman she had now replaced in Carlisle's life. The only woman he'd ever loved.

She decided it wouldn't hurt to know more. "What was she like?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Tanya," Alessia sighed. "We're not supposed to talk about it."

"Please," Tanya whispered, reaching out to hold her hand. "He won't know. I promise. I…think I deserve to know, don't you think?"

"Ma'am…I'm the only one who's lasted this long in the estate because Mr. Cullen trusts me." Alessia gave her a tight smile. "My loyalty is with him. I'm sorry."

Tanya let go of her hand then, crossing her arms. "Okay. That's––understandable." A pause. "Perhaps you can tell me why you've chosen to stay, at least? After all this time? I'm sure you know the kind of man he is. His world."

"Of course." Alessia looked down at her lap. "Aside from the obvious benefits and pay…My first reason for staying was the boy."

Tanya raised a brow.

"Edward would've starved if it wasn't for me," Alessia chuckled softly. "He's…always been extremely mature for his age. Forced to, I'm sure. But in the end, at least physically, he was still just a kid. And he didn't have parents who had the time or headspace to always make sure he had food in his belly. That was my job."

"I get it," Tanya said. "But you still stayed, long after he could go on his own."

Alessia nodded slowly. "Yes. At the boy's request."

"Edward asked you to stay?"

"After the loss of Mrs. Cullen––well, the first––"

Tanya tried not to wince at that, but failed.

"––I ended up having to take care of Carlisle more than his own son," Alessia finished. "I know how everyone else in the world sees him. Cold. Heartless. Perhaps he is. But only a few have seen him for as long as I have, at home. He's never hurt any of the staff. Adored and protected his wife, despite her…shortcomings. He never laid a hand on the boy and taught him everything he knows. He's––as inconceivable as it may sound in their world––the closest thing to a family man."

Tanya released a shuddered breath, the last words echoing in her mind.

"So when he lost her…" Alessia sighed. "That's when everything began to unravel. Something snapped, I'm sure, and he ended up not only being a greater danger to everyone else around him, but also to himself. Edward requested I stick around to take care of him. And I'll continue to keep that promise, for as long as I live."

They stayed there in silence for a long while, with Tanya twirling her fork in her hand as she processed Alessia's words. In the end, she pulled herself gracefully out of her seat and made to clean up.

"Please, Ms. Tanya," Alessia insisted, already picking up the plates for the two.

Tanya reluctantly gave in, stepping back towards the opposite wall. "Alright. Well, I'll head up now. Thanks for the meal, Alessia."

Suddenly, with the stack of plates and glasses still in her arms, Alessia sidestepped to block the path to the wide archway. "I––Ms. Tanya. He's…already home. And I wouldn't go up there if I were you. Not yet."

"What?" Tanya narrowed her eyes. "Why didn't you––"

"Please, ma'am," Alessia said. "We were hoping you wouldn't be back this early."

Tanya felt a rush of dread run down her spine. Easily, she sidestepped around the cook and made her way through the main hall, bolting up the winding staircase.

There were two suits in place outside the main bedroom. As soon as they saw her in the hall, they shifted their positions to fully block the doorway.

Tanya scoffed. "Let me––"

Then she heard it. Muffled, but distinct moans from behind the doors. She recognized her own husband's guttural ones, as she'd heard it countless of times before. When he was with her.

Of course.

She released a long, tired sigh as she turned back around and headed towards one of the guest bedrooms. She didn't go to bed, though, and chose to sit by the windowsill. God, she left her rolls in the master's bedroom, and she desperately needed one now.

The closest thing to a family man. Tanya couldn't believe she'd been foolish enough to hope, even for a second back there, that it would apply to her one day. That she would be able to receive the love he was––once upon a time––capable of giving, if she just waited long enough. Just because he put a meaningless band around her finger.

He'd warned her, after all. I can't offer you what you seek.

She pulled a leg up to the window, and rested her chin on her knee. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She'd been fine with this set up before. For years, she'd been loyal to him, regardless of how utterly insignificant she probably was to him. It had been enough to be his favorite. She was sure she had enough love for the both of them anyway.

Tanya must've sat there for hours, lost in her own self-deprecating thoughts. She was only pulled out of her reverie when she caught the view of a plain white sedan pulling into the driveway. She narrowed her eyes as she watched a womanly figure step out of the front doors of Carlisle's––their home.

Immediately, her breath caught in her throat.

Carlisle didn't have a type. He had a…varied palate, when it came to women. But she just knew it couldn't be a fucking coincidence that the girl he'd picked out for the night looked familiar––too familiar––and looked nothing like herself.

Tanya swallowed as she recalled the conversation she'd heard several days ago.

It's sad that you picked this time in my life to tempt me. To show yourself as who you are.

If you'd come even just a few years earlier, I would've fallen to your feet and done exactly what you've asked. I'm sure you're aware you have a way of doing that.

Her nails began digging painfully into her palm, drawing blood. She knew she married a monster. Loved him for it, even. But she just couldn't bear the thought that he would be this fascinated with the woman she now loathed the most. Another, different kind of monster. The worst kind, in her opinion.

While Tanya was sure the sick fuck would never touch her, he was fantasizing about her regardless. And she just…couldn't bear it.