Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Administratum

Ciaphas pulled closed his robe of office as he ran down the hall from his hab to the cell hall of the factotum centralis. "Frak!" he thought as he rounded the final corner just to see the doors to the main lift close. "I'll never make to the lesser central bureau of vice assistant stylus acquisition before the meeting begins." His heart was seized in terror. The vice alternate assistant to the vice assistant was sure to finally figure out that Cain was a fraud. The time he found the crate of misplaced Form 43356-B? He'd been hiding behind the box to avoid getting drafted into an inventory detail! When he had delivered a recaff to the rear vice director of the bureau of ink reclamation just as the rear vice director was at the end of their pot? Pure luck that Cain had sneaked a fresh brew for himself in the refectory and made a wrong turn returning to his desk; in no way was he a forward thinking problem solver!

Alas, he was made Auditor against his wishes. It was a "promotion" he couldn't turn down, of course. Had he done so, the vice alternate assistant would have surely revoked his auto quill privileges, forcing him to hand write everything once more. Sure, Miyamoto de Bergerac had taught Cain how to handle a quill to an extent even he knew to be well above average, but the point of getting a dead end assignment was to avoid having to use a quill at all! Instead, here he was running around trying to keep his quill hand attached and cranium unservitorized by doing what Head Auditor Vail wanted.

At least she was pleasing to the eyes and nice enough in person. The terror came from everything else about her. The way she could get a clerk to volunteer to record minutes with only a glance? Monstrous.

Cain snapped out of his introspection as the lift dinged, another had arrived. Cain thought it was curious how the massive lift was entirely empty save for a few boxes of paperwork, until he caught a whiff of the air inside. Only one man could smell like that: Jurgen, Cain's loyal menial sanitation specialist.

"Tanna, Auditor?" Jurgen said as Can stepped into the lift. Cain nodded and kept his face calm in front of his subordinate even as his nose wrinkled internally. The lift rose quickly up the hive, with none deigning to enter, letting the doors shut far more quickly than usual and limiting stops. "I brought some of my own tanna this time. I know how you prefer it to the orkswill the refectory serves."

Jurgen followed Cain as he stepped out of the lift on Floor 707. Cain saw the trailing blue trimmed robe of the Vice Alternate Assistant flash down the hallway across from the lift bank. Frak again! It was just Cain's luck that the man would choose the shortest route to the meeting. He couldn't risk going the same way or the man might spot Cain behind him. He'd see that Cain wasn't promptly on time at twenty minutes before the meeting's ten minute pre-start calendared arrival time. Cain would be up a data silo without a directory then!

He'd have to chance it. Cain took a deep breath and ordered Jurgen to get out his sanitorium omnikey. They would have to cut through the clerk refectory using the sanitor's backdoor. There was no place more dangerous in the building. Corpstarch stains dropped from trembling, overworked minor clerk hands. Questions from overeager novitiates wanting to join the Auditors. Slippery floors after servitors mopped the floor for the eighth time that shift.

The perils were endless. Cain thrust Jurgen (and Jurgen's scent) at any who approached him. He thanked the God-Emperor for de Bergerac's tutelage at the Schola Progenium as he brought up his clipboard to parry a falling tray. A hastily scribbled requisition for paperclips avoided an attempted trap by clerks from the rival Departmentum Calamum, maliciously trying to delay him.

Cain barely caught his breath as he entered the conference room and saw he was the first to arrive. The Vice Alternate Assistant arrived just moments after Cain arranged his clipboard on the table and took his seat.

The Vice Alternate Assistant smiled for the first time in cycles. "Cain. You brilliant man. I just received word that the clerks you had requisition a box of paperclips from store room Epsilon Delta 332 found a long abandoned STC. The cogs say it contains information on quills that are .002% longer lasting! Your name was on the requisition form so you, and I, get the credit. Our budget is sure to increase after this! And think of how many clerk hours will be saved across the Segmentum as less supply closet trips are made. Best of all, you took it directly from out from under Calalum."

"Cain, you're a Hero. I'll make sure you're promoted to the Head Auditor's retinue for this!"

Frak!