You need to make an updated version of this at some point, if only to add Zerayah and other bits of chaos lol
Plus how he suffers because he had to quit amasec
Your suggestion got my muse going, and the omake practically wrote itself after that. I had ideas for a lot more than what's written here, but by then this was starting to turn into something resembling the story notes for a fic long enough to give Fallout: Equestria a run for its money, so I decided to jump ahead to the ending.
Excerpts from Tribune Heracleon's notes, taken during an interview of Ciaphas Cain, Warmaster of Chaos, conducted in the aftermath of the formation of the Imperial/Cainite Alliance
The subject was informed ahead of time that the Custodes wished to question him on how and why he turned away from the Emperor's light. He agreed, restating the fact that doing anything to harm him would risk incurring the wrath of Zerayah and the Liberation Council.
The subject was not informed that top-of-the-line truth serums would be administered first, but went along with the procedure willingly, presumably confident in his ability to overcome their effects.
Or maybe he was just intimidated by I would appreciate it if you kept whatever you're using for ink out of my notes. Oh, okay. Stop. Now.
Anyway, upon the serum taking effect, the subject expressed doubt over whether we would believe him. Subject then claimed, "I've never turned my back on the Emperor. The whole Warmaster of Chaos thing was a complete accident."
After extensive questioning, the subject clarified that he meant "the Emperor who's sitting on the Golden Throne right now", and proceeded to establish a clear distinction between the above and various false emperors, assorted Tyranid hive fleets pretending to be 'the True Emperor,' or chaos gods posing as the Emperor, listing all of the above off without prompting.
After further extensive questioning, the Subject confirms he did in fact have an elaborate and nefarious scheme for going to Slawkenberg. Apparently he heard as a cadet that Slawkenberg was a vacation world, and it sounded like an excellent way to sit out an entire career as a secretly cowardly commissar in a galaxy torn by unending war.
Subject reasserts that he did not intend to become the next Warmaster of Chaos, and then states that he would have taken a frontline posting on Armageddon if he had the faintest clue of what he was getting into at Slawkenberg.
The subject describes how all the toilets in the bar he was investigating began to mysteriously overflow and belch sickening smoke, which turned out to be caused by a Nurgle cult on Slawkenberg, which the subject was inadvertently instrumental in the absolute destruction thereof via one strategically placed ploin soaked in blessed holy water.
Subject describes finding his most loyal aide in a cesspit amid the ruins of said cult headquarters and credits this discovery and the horror it provoked in him with his budding drinking problem.
The subject then goes off on a brief tangent how wine is good if you're going to need to fight at a moment's notice, but for getting absolutely shitfaced, there's nothing like a Slawkenberg amasec.
The subject describes several women displaying sexual interest in him on Slawkenberg, and his subsequent horror at the realization that every single one of them is a devotee of Slaanesh.
The subject goes off on another brief tangent about how his preferred method of dealing with his girlfriend, who also happened to be a secret head of the coven of witches on Slawkenberg, was a hell of a lot like his preferred method of dealing with tutors in the Schola Progenium: "you smile, nod, tell them precisely what they want to hear, and then discreetly go ahead and do what you're going to do anyway."
The subject describes that by smiling and nodding, he managed to stumble his way into uniting and leading five separate conspiracies to take over Slawkenberg, and his frantic attempts to find someone competent and trustworthy enough to ray out said conspiracies to amongst the imperial authorities resulted in repeated discoveries of imperial incompetence and and ever-growing understanding of precisely how the local Imperial authorities had managed to turn everyone with even a vague semblance of basic decency and/or common sense against them.
The subject waxes passionately on the complete incompetence of the Arbites he eventually reported the conspirators to, with specific mention of the way they "charged right in like a battalion of orks" and how that particular strategy resulted in nothing but said Arbites getting splattered all over the walls.
Subject describes his utter astonishment that his quickly and shoddily-conceived excuse of secretly desiring to indirectly murder the aforementioned abides by pointing them at the most heavily armed and unimpressed group of rebels on the planet fooled the conspirators, and states his personal belief that it is impossible to comprehend how some very clever people can be "so utterly devoid of the sense the Emperor gave a little green apple".
Subject describes how he resolved to attempt to sabotage the now-unified conspiracies from within.
Subject describes his attempts to assassinate his girlfriend by giving her an obviously cursed necklace, and then expresses his astonishment at how the necklace contained Eldar soulstones, which somehow allowed her to ascend to daemonhood while also leaving her with the impression that he'd done it as a romantic gesture of undying love.
The subject details his increasing drinking problem.
The subject describes how his attempts to sabatoge the conspiracy backfired horribly and ended up ensuring the fall of the horrifically sadistic and needlessly cruel then-Governor of Slawkenberg, and then describes the plans he made to "get the frak outta there".
The subject laments his misfortune, as supposedly evidenced by how he ended up running into the Governor at the precise moment the rebels caught up with him, resulting in his subsequent duel with (and execution of) the Governor amplifying his already-inflated reputation amongst the conspirators.
The subject, claiming to know a doomed cause when he sees one and the impossibility of successfully standing up to the Imperium, describes his renewed resolve to slowly sabotage the rebel council from within. Subject justifies his course of action as the one most likely to leave him alive and the one most likely to leave all the civilians on the planet as relatively undamaged as possible when the Imperium comes to take it back.
When interrogated as to why he had not given up his soul to various chaos gods, the subject snapped, "Fracking Warp, my soul is my own and I am keeping it." Subject then goes off on another tangent about the fundamental unfairness of a universe where there is not a chaos god of pragmatism, enlightened self-interest, and common sense.
Subject appears unaware that the shadow he is projecting upon the Warp is that of a nascent god of pragmatism, enlightened self-interest, and common sense.
The subject is making an alarming amount of sense.
The subject proceeds to describe his duel with Inquisitor Karamazov as won entirely by luck, his regular practice with the Khorne-aligned USA forces as them holding back due to his reputation, and credits his victory over an Ork Warboss in one-on-one combat to how ridiculously over-engineered the dreadnought-class "Liberator Armor" he happened to be wearing at the time was. Subject persists in describing his swordsmanship as nothing special even after we present evidence to the contrary.
Subject describes with horror his accidental summoning of the Daemon Prince Emeli had become, and how said Daemon Prince promptly recruited a nearby member of the Dark Eldar as his Bloodward, ensuring her loyalty via threats to eat her soul. Subject also notes the presence of a woman he would later identify as Ordos Xenos Inquisitor Amberley Vail.
Subject describes his frustration at the Liberation Council's insistence on celebrating his birthday, and goes off on a brief tangent about his annoyance over his follower's tendency to name everything after him and defer to any ideas he presents over all other options.
Subject then describes his second encounter with Amberley Vail, and her failed assassination attempt.
Subject describes his first meeting with Leirahaz, and how the Eldar Harlequin bargained for Amberley's freedom in exchange for a copy of the Panacea STC, retrieved from a space hulk delivered to Slawkenberg beforehand.
Subject, after brief questioning, admits to having briefly forgotten about "Emeli's Gift". Subject then describes the exploration of the aforementioned Space Hulk, during which he characterizes his slaughter of a whole nest of genestealers as him simply taking advantage of the fact that they hadn't fully awoken from their hibernation.
Subject returns to the subject of his second encounter with Amberley, characterizing his decision to release the Panacea STC to her before letting her loose as an attempt to undo the damage his floundering attempts to survive and sabatoge the Cainite Protectorate have done to the Imperium. Subject then goes off on another tangent describing Amberley's struggles in ensuring widespread distribution of the Panacea, filled with poignant criticisms of common Imperial docrines and practices.
The subject describes with increasing offense how his attempts to sabatoge the chaos cult from within instead only demonstrated in the most pointed way the previously-unnoticed ineffectiveness of millennia of imperial policy and surprising competence of the then-hereteks known as the Bringers Of Renewed Greatness.
Subject characterizes the expedition to Andumbria as purely a move to preserve his reputation and deal a blow to Nurgle, who he claimed to be using as a scapegoat to keep the Chaos Cult he was now heading from lashing out against the Imperium.
The subject characterizes his near-single-handed defeat and banishment of a Great Unclean One as a temporary psychotic break on his part, but acknowledges his comment toward said Great Unclean One as potential evidence to the contrary.
Subject goes into brief detail about the reasoning behind his decision to bring back and later adopt a newborn child he found in the Nurglite temple on Andumbria, ultimately stating that "I'd be damned, both figuratively and literally, if I ever killed a child on an altar, no matter what god that altar belonged to."
Subject describes his reoccurring nightmares of giving in to the Ruinous Powers's worst aspects and bringing the Imperium to it's knees, and the immense distress these nightmares induced in him.
Subject continues to characterize himself as a inherently self-serving being possessed of no morals, despite rapidly growing evidence to the contrary, chief among which being his interactions with Zerayah and one Father Anthony, who was then the head of a small church to the God-Emperor of Mankind that was sanctioned and left to operate as it pleased by the Liberation Council.
Subject describes the initial conflicts between the nascent Cainite alliance and a criminal cartel, and notes moderate concern over how little alarm the idea of inducting a breed of then-heretical abhumans called 'Vampires' into the Cainite Protectorate stirred in him, and on a larger level how used to heresy he was getting.
At this point, the truth serums have fully worn off. Subject takes a brief break for food, drink, and refreshment. Following this, subject persists in telling us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, apparently motivated by the relief he feels over finally getting all this off his chest.
Subject describes his initial encounter with the 38th Company and xeno allies thereof, and his decision to take a brief detour from his campaign against the criminal organization in favor of liberating Centaur III from a Death Guard Warfleet.
Subject describes his frustration at the 38th Company's failure to mention that said Warfleet was headed by Typhus, and his alarm at witnessing a xeno by the name of Twilight Sparkle ascend to Daemon Princedom, and subsequently slay Typhus in single combat.
After extensive questioning, subject reaffirms that he has no idea how Twilight ascended without performing a ritual of ascension first. When asked to guess, he stated "I guess Slaanesh really wanted to have a pony as a Daemon Prince". To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I Didn't I already tell you to keep your annotations out of my notes? Oops, sorry! Couldn't help myself!
Moving on, subject describes recieving an imperial missive discreetly sent to the Centaur system, intended for Amberley and comtaining orders to infiltrate the Cainite Protectorate by any means necessary and wait for further orders. Subject then describes his alarm at the thought of Amberley Vail being somewhere in the system.
Subject describes recieving an invitation to a "surprise party" by a xeno named "Pinkie Pie", and accepts, justifying it by stating that he had nothing better to do at the time and not being aware that the party he was attending was a birthday party for Amberley; Pinkie Pie had somehow learned that Amberley's birthday happened to be on that day, and also that she was undercover on Centaur III at the time. (For further information on this particular xeno, see the couple dozen separate files written by the Inquisition regarding her and her abilities.)
Subject describes his interactions with Amberley during the party, during which Amberley shared her incredulous shock at how her revelation that she's an undercover inquisitor earned her a birthday party rather than an execution. Amberley then stated that she was looking forward to being able to return to the Imperium and "be done with all this heretical bullshit".
The subject describes how, out of concern for Amberley's career and life, he showed the intercepted missive to her, and managed to convince her of it's authenticity. The subject then describes offering Amberley a "job" as a "professional singer". Amberley accepted.
The subject expresses his incredulous shock at the Liberation Council both seeing through his paper-thin pretense for enabeling Amberley to infiltrate/join the Cainite Protectorate and praising him for "recruiting" an Inquisitor to their side.
The subject describes going back on the warpath against the aforementioned criminal organization, during which he encountered a rogue Inquisitor and inadvertently sabatoged said rogue Inquisitor's experiments with an artifact called the Shadowlight, killing a Daemon Prince of Nurgle that sought to utilize the Shadowlight for his own ends in the process.
Subject describes numerous debates with Amberley over general failings of Imperial policy and his increasingly hard-to-ignore feelings for the Inquisitor.
...(hours upon hours of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth later):
Subject describes the existential dread he felt upon hearing of the Fall of Cadia, the flashbacks he experienced to his nightmares, and his decision to have the Cainite protectorate move to intervene on the Imperium's behalf.
Subject describes being convinced that he was going to die upon accidentally leading the Cainite-aligned fleet straight into Abaddon's Black Fleet and realizing that the Cainite void-ships were outnumbered trillions to one by Abaddon's forces.
Subject then describes his wordless shock at how the PUN was able to take advantage of the general disorganization of the Black Fleet and utterly dominate the void battle that followed despite a seemingly insurmountable disadvantage in numbers, inflicting numerous crippling blows upon Abaddon's forces. The battle concluded when Abaddon activated a contingency he had put in place, generating an unstable wormhole that led straight to the center of the Segmentum Solar, placing him a distressingly short distance from Holy Terra in a matter of days at the cost of severely damaging the couple-dozen ships that managed to survive the PUN's onslaught.
Subject describes pursuing Abaddon through the wormhole and how the PUN ships suffered only minor damage thanks to superior BORG craftsmanship, and then described how he, Amberley, and the whole Liberation council ended up engaging in a long moment of extreme shared frustration after bearing witness to thh Holy Terra defense network's complete failure to stop or even slow Abaddon's collosally weakened forces and their absolute inability to inflict even minor damage on his almost-crippled voidships. (Investigation into how this network failed so completely and utterly at its one and only task is still underway.)
At this point, Cainite leadership made contact with the defenders of holy terra and offered assistance. With Abaddon quite literally climbing the steps to the Imperial palace as they spoke, the High Lords of Terra reasoned that they couldn't possibly worsen the situation by accepting help from heretics, ordered that Cainite forces be treated as friendly, and gave the USA and PUN the all clear to engage.
Once again, the Subject asserts that his swordsmanship is "nothing special", despite lasting for THREE WHOLE MINUTES in a no-holds-barred one-on-one duel to the death with Abaddon himself, distracting the leader of the Black Legion to the point that he failed to notice the USA trooper by the name of "Penlan" who shot Abaddon in the back of the head, thus briefly stunning him and giving the subject the opening he needed to inflict a killing blow, and walking away from the duel largely unharmed save for moderate external and internal bruising that was easily rectified by a single dose of Panacea.
Following that, the 13th Black Crusade collapsed into disorganized anarchy, Cainite forces mopped up the hostile forces that remains, and to quote the subject, "you guys already know the rest".
His tale finished, the subject let's loose a long, relieved sigh, before wondering aloud if he is the butt of some kind of cosmic joke. The Emperor, fully restored thanks to both the Panacea and assistance from Daemon Princess Twilight Sparkle, walks in and responds that while he doesn't know the answer to that, he did find the subject's tale hilarious.
Subject invites the Emperor to come around for tarot card and amasec. Subject loses the First game of tarot and challenges the Emperor to best three out of five.
I was a personal witness to everything and saw it happen every step of the way. I still have absolutely no idea how he managed to persuade the Emperor to drop by Slawkenberg on a semi-regular basis for recurring rounds of amasec and cards.
AN: And it's done! Capping out at just over 3k words, this is quite possibly the longest omake I've ever written. And I had plans for more. So much more.