CH. 18 'You deserved that and so much more' OR 'So what all can you do?'
Rinami wiped her eyes then looked back over the water. This had been the place where things had started between her and Gojo. They'd shared their first kiss in this very spot, and from there things with them had steadily progressed. They'd grown beyond friends, but they had never put an official label on what they were to each other. They'd just found comfort and joy in being in each other's presence, and what they meant to each other continuously seemed to deepen and expand over time.
It didn't make Gojo any less of a dick. He was still the same person, but Rinami found that it was much easier to see past all of that. For her, the good parts of him seemed to shine brighter than his aggravating exterior. She still spent a large portion of her time complaining about his antics and his lack of humility, decorum, and his overall off-putting personality.
But still, she found that whenever it was just the two of them, those layers of him seemed to disappear and she was left with a honest and kind Gojo who had serious goals and plans for the betterment of the Jujutsu society. She found that she actually admired his goals and ambitions, even if his attitude and demeanor for getting there consistently rubbed her wrong. She wanted to see him accomplish what he'd set out to do, and the more she listened to his heartfelt words the more she wanted to actively assist him in achieving those ideals.
Then there were the times that he would look at her sincerely and take her in his arms. Those times she couldn't see anything else except his very bare soul. And it took her some time to come to terms with it, but eventually she had come to realize that his inner being, and his passion for wanting to buck the system and fight so hard for the future of the jujutsu society and its young sorcerers, were something that she loved. It was hard to believe, and even harder for her to admit, but Satoru Gojo stripped down to the very essence of who he really was, was a man that she could love, and at some point in the two years since their relationship had changed, she had actually fallen in love with him. Deeply.
It was right at the time that she'd had this realization, that she'd been in the kitchen worried about his health and working for hours to fix him a homemade soup. Right as she'd just started wondering if it was time that they actually talked about defining their relationship and future together. And right before everything had ended and that future had evaporated. Before her heart had been crushed and consumed by anger and disgust for Satoru Gojo.
Rinami wiped away a tear and for the first time in years allowed herself to be transported back to the memory of that day.
~0~0~0~
She hadn't seen Gojo in nearly a week, which at that point was extremely out of the ordinary for them. He told her he'd been sick, but she knew that he still had to drop by the school to attend an important event and that if he was there he never missed a lunch break. She figured that she'd make him her special recipe soup and surprise him with it at lunch. She'd wanted him to feel better, but in truth she'd also desperately missed him and really wanted to see him.
She could still remember the vibe she'd gotten as she'd walked through the building. Faces looking at her with worry, a feeling of whispers behind her back, and a sense of dread taking over as she felt like something was off. She'd come up to Gojo's office just as he was coming out with another woman. The girl was hanging on him, and giggled at something he'd said, and he'd flashed her a huge, very much 'not sick' smile as she threw her arms around him hugging and kissing him on the side of his mouth.
The sickness in Rinami's stomach and the tightness around her heart returned even now as she just remembered the vision. Moving solely on instinct alone, Rinami had hauled the hot soup over at him. Not that it mattered much, his limitless kept it from touching him and so it bounced harmlessly near his leg and laid there.
"You don't look very sick." The only words Rinami could say through clenched teeth as she glared across the room at him. The other girl at least had enough sense to look worried, and immediately backed away. Gojo however had only a modicum of guilt. First, he'd looked mildly shocked to see her, and then he belabored how unexpected it was and how maybe Rinami should have called first or warned him that she would be coming in today.
Rinami had said nothing else. Instead, she marched across the room, stopping directly in front of Gojo.
"Take off your glasses."
It was a simple command. Maybe she could have taken them off herself, but she had been deathly dangerous at that moment and she guessed that there was a good possibility his Limitless technique could sense that and might not have let her near him. Gojo had said nothing. He'd silently pulled off the sunglasses he wore and handed them to her. She took them wordlessly and held them in one hand. She'd looked directly into his shining blue eyes. Her golden-copper ones were cold as ice and hard as stone.
"De-activate your Limitless."
A more specific command. She didn't blink and she didn't break her gaze. Again, Gojo had said nothing, but Rinami had seen the brilliance of the blue in his eyes fade to a still beautiful, but more natural blue color.
As soon as it had faded and she knew the Limitless technique had been removed, Rinami reached back and slapped Gojo across the face as hard as she possibly could. The silence in the room had been deafening. Rinami hadn't been able to hear it because the ringing in her head was also deafening. Even now she didn't know if it was because the anger and the blood rushing through her was so loud or if it was because without his Limitless technique, touching Gojo had caused a reaction in her. Either way it hadn't really mattered. As soon as she slapped him, she had shoved his glasses back in his hand with a vehement "Fuck you Gojo.", and then spun on her heel and stomped out of the room, not looking back and never coming back either. She'd filed transfer paperwork immediately and had been on her way to Kyoto a few days after.
~0~0~0~
I never even told him how I felt. Rinami leaned against the railing and let out a long shivering sigh, the tears falling into the water below her. The pain of that day still burned fresh whenever she thought about it. Ever since that day, every time she ran into Gojo it felt like re-opening that wound all over again, and her heart cried with both fury and desolation every time she had to look at him. It was why she hated coming to Tokyo so much and became enraged every time she had to see his stupid face.
It was also why she'd done her very best to never think about it. In fact, she'd put a lot of work and effort into overcoming her heartache and putting that entire experience behind her. That included not giving two seconds worth of thought to Satoru Gojo or anything personally related to him.
But now, witnessing this talk between him and Sukuna…. Rinami frustratedly wiped at her face. She wished she hadn't done it. Now not only was she pissed with Sukuna, but it had brought thoughts to the forefront of her mind that she didn't want to be there. Now she found herself faced with a number of unanswered questions that she'd rather not have been confronted with. Dropping her forehead into the palm of her hand, she recalled Sukuna's words to Gojo.
'Is that how much you love her? Would you give me whatever I asked just to get your hands on her?'
'She may not get it, but I can see your true feelings for her…'
What did that even mean? Most of the conversation had just seemed like the two of them measuring dicks and she'd found herself annoyed at being the focal point of it all, but some of it had just plain gone over her head. She couldn't follow the exact intent of what was going on and that bothered her.
She was pretty certain her time with Gojo had been nothing more than a meaningless fling for him. It had made a lot of sense to her back then, and had all clicked into place once everything ended. Why he'd acquiesced so easily to keeping their relationship hidden at first, why there had never been a push to make anything official, and why he'd never wanted to have sex with her. It was all because it was never intended to be serious for him. He hadn't ever felt that strongly about her, and he was already banging other women. It wasn't worth it to him to go the extra mile to take her virginity or deal with her inexperience in that area if he was already getting it from other sources. He didn't need to.
It was her first real relationship and she obviously hadn't read it right. She'd thought they were friends and so she'd been more trusting than she would have otherwise, and she'd fallen for a guy that her own common sense should have known was a bad pick. Then she was naïve enough to be hurt when she found out that her feelings were unrequited. How many love songs had been written about that very story? It would almost have been laughable if she herself hadn't been the main character in this one. But she wasn't the first, and so she'd written off her foolishness and called it a lesson learned - All the while still trying to stop the hemorrhaging of hurt that came along with it.
She'd been angry at herself for her stupidity, but still more furious at Gojo, because no matter what, she couldn't help but to feel misled. And while the hemorrhaging had eventually slowed, it had never completely stopped. So now today's overheard conversation of love and feelings was just incomprehensibly confusing for her. What was she missing here, that Sukuna was playing at, but she couldn't even begin to understand?
"Fuck!" She screamed out over the water. She hated all of this. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to just take off and run from everyone, Sukuna included. Either way, one thing was for sure - she needed to get away from this spot. It was bringing up too many bad memories. Rinami quickly turned to continue her trek, and as she moved towards the street, she looked up to see Gojo's surprised face a few feet away, staring directly at her.
0)(00)(00)(
"Rin."
Gojo couldn't move. He thought he might be dreaming. He had come here now, as he sometimes did when he couldn't get thoughts of Rin out of his mind. Never had it crossed his mind that he might actually find her here…
"I thought I told you to stop calling me that." Rinami answered stoically, her red-rimmed eyes eyeing him cautiously.
Gojo looked at her. She'd obviously been crying. He wondered briefly if this spot might hold as much sentiment to her as it did to him. Even still, her posture told him that she was thinking about running and he had to make sure she didn't.
"Right. Rinami. Sorry." He paused, "I guess in my mind you're always Rin to me"
"Well I'm not. It's 'Rinami' to you, so fix that." she said coldly, shifting backwards and away from him.
Gojo nodded slowly. "Don't run… Rinami. Please"
She hesitated. "I really don't have anything to say to you Gojo, I don't want to talk to you."
He stepped forward "That's because you don't realize what Sukuna is or how he's trying to use you… I've been talking to him-"
"I'm aware." Rinami cut him off.
Gojo stopped mid-stride. "You're… aware?"
"Yeah, I'm aware."
Rinami sighed and stepped back towards the railing at the water. "Sukuna isn't happy about it, but I used my powers today and listened in on your conversation." She turned to gauge his reaction.
Gojo's face had paled. He walked to join her at the rail, careful not to stand too close and to give her space.
"What?" She asked sarcastically "Are you also going to chide me about the horrors and indecency of eavesdropping?"
Gojo turned to her, his expression still one of shock. "I guess I'm just surprised. I didn't know that your technique was that strong, or honestly that it was even capable of that…"
Rinami turned back toward the water. "Yeah, well I guess you didn't hang around long enough to find out exactly what I was capable of."
She heard Gojo suck in his breath at the comment, but felt no guilt about it. Fuck him with a hard stick.
"So, what all can you do?"
Rinami looked at him again, her eyes angry and cold "Why do you ask? Because Sukuna used me to threaten you? Are you actually worried that I would come for you? Is it possible that you could actually think of me as a threat?" Rinami laughed hoarsely, turning to once again look back out over the water. "Who am I kidding? Of course not. That's not a possibility for you… Honestly, why do you even care Gojo?"
Gojo stared at her but said nothing.
Rinami shook her head in disgust. "I can't say I agree with all of the crap that Sukuna said, but he was right about one thing. If you wanted to know you should have stuck around. You made your own choices, so leave me alone. If by some insane miracle, pigs have flown, and he actually convinced you to be worried about me as some type of threat – don't be."
She looked directly at him, tears forming behind the anger in her eyes. "No matter what, I would never hurt you Satoru, so there's no need to bother worrying over that." Rinami blinked and angrily wiped her eyes. "So, if that answers your questions and we're finished here, I'm going to be on my way. I'd rather not have to look at your face any longer than absolutely necessary." Rinami turned to leave.
"So…I guess slaps across the face don't count as hurting someone in your book then…?" Gojo said questioningly.
Rinami's head snapped around in a flash. "Are you fucking kidding me?! I hope to hell you're joking! You dirty bastard, you deserved that and so much more-" She looked at the half-smile on his face and stopped.
"Ugh, right. Leave it to you to make jokes about one of the worst days of my life. I'm so through with you." Rinami again moved to leave, but Gojo grabbed her wrist.
He stared at her intently. "It's not really a joke. It did hurt you know. All of it, not just the slap."
"I don't want to hear it Gojo. It's past and I've moved on."
He looked down in thought. "But you've moved on to Sukuna. Can you hear how that sounds Rin? It's crazy. I hear that and it make me think so much of Suguru…"
Rinami's eyes flashed at the mention of Geto. She snatched her arm away from Gojo. "How dare you mention his name to me right now? What is that supposed to do?"
Gojo met her eyes, his blue ones swimming in misery. "Suguru has so much to do with all of it, you just don't know it". He paused. "I'll explain it all to you now, if you'd want to hear it? I'll tell you the whole truth if you'd just give me a chance and listen?"
His eyes. Rinami stopped. Satoru. Her chest hurt looking at him. But she wasn't the same girl that he'd brushed to the side those years ago. And she'd learned her lesson. She wasn't going to give him another chance to hurt her again. If no other woman could ever truly accept and love the walking disaster that was Satoru Gojo, then let that be his problem. But still…
Rinami faced him. "Why now? Huh, Gojo? Because he's dead?" Because you were the one who killed him!? But no matter how angry she was she couldn't say that out loud. Rinami stared at him, furious. Then after a moment of thought… "Alright, Gojo. I'll sit and listen to any and everything you have to say depending on your true answer to this one question. Okay?"
Gojo looked at her- already certain he wouldn't like where this was going- and nodded solemnly.
Rinami took a deep breath. "5 years ago, whatever the reason behind it, whatever the purpose- when everything ended between us, was that because someone physically forced you to do it or was it a choice that you made on your own?"
"Physically forced me?"
Gojo sighed and gave Rinami a look of annoyance. This was a trick question. She knew fully well that no one had physically forced him to do anything. No one could. She knew that any actions he took were because he had made the choice or decision to take them. That was pretty much the creed he lived by.
She raised an eyebrow at him, and Gojo understood that this was basically her way of saying that whatever the true story was didn't really matter. No matter what, what it would come down to was that Gojo himself had the final say, and whether or not it had actually been him messing around with other women or some other more valiant reason, he himself had still made the choice to take the action that led to the end of their relationship. There was no one on this planet with the power to make Satoru Gojo do anything he didn't want to do.
He felt defeated. The truth was, she was right. He was scared of what Geto might have done to her, but he chose the path that he took. Funny how in hindsight so many more paths seemed viable. He could have – no, probably should have- told her the truth right away. He could have protected her, and done so much more, easily if he'd just been honest about what was going on. Not to mention he'd also done what he'd accused others of doing when it came to her – he'd underestimated her potential. Severely. Especially now, learning what she'd been able to accomplish under Sukuna's tutelage no less- he felt ashamed for assuming that she wouldn't be able to also protect herself.
Suddenly telling her the whole story felt like more of a cop-out than anything else. He'd rather just take responsibility for his screw ups like a big boy.
"I'm not going to answer it Rin." Gojo looked at her. "You and I both know there's no point in bothering to. But I will give you the answer you deserve to the question that you didn't ask – Yes, I'm to blame. I screwed up royally. I made mistakes thinking that I was doing the right thing, and I'm stupid. It really took me till now to realize just how selfish I was in my way of thinking. It's not even close to an excuse, but I wanted to protect you- and let's be honest, it's not new information – I'm kind of arrogant. I thought that nobody except me could do it, and I alone knew the best way to do it." He paused to run his fingers through his hair with nervous energy, "I'll also just throw out there that no matter what it looked like, I didn't cheat. I only ever had eyes for you, but still… I made decisions myself regarding you that I shouldn't have. I was a selfish partner and I guess not really a partner at all. They were my choices and I'm more sorry than you know, that you had to suffer for them. I knew that it would hurt you, I won't lie about that. I just thought that I knew best and what I was protecting you from was worth it, but I understand now that it wasn't my call to make"
He took a deep breath. "I'll always be sorry for it Rin. I want your forgiveness, I don't know if you'll give it or not. I won't fault you if you don't, but it won't keep me from hoping for it. It also won't keep me from wanting to protect you. I'll never do it that way again, but…"
He stepped to Rinami and put his hands on her shoulders staring into her flushed face "but even if you continue to hate me forever for it, I will always try to protect you. And I'm so sorry Rin, but that means keeping you away from Sukuna"
Confusion clouded Rinami's eyes as Gojo quickly placed his fingers over her forehead and she dropped into his arms, her eyes falling shut. "I'm sorry, I have to Rin. I hope you'll understand." She heard him whisper as everything went black.