Chapter Sixteen: Guilt

Tuesday, December 4, 1990

Angela spent the entire weekend at home, telling Andy she needed some space. She did her best to be present for Jonathan, but her mind was fuzzy, weighed down by worry. Was she no better than a teenager, having unprotected sex with her boyfriend of the moment? Sam had gotten her life back on track in the span of about ten days, but she, a successful adult, was spiraling.

She didn't want to think about Andy's profession of love. He could summon some patience. Geoffrey had proposed to her several weeks after telling her he loved her. She never actually did say it back. Tony was right about her not being in love back then. He was also right about Geoffrey not having skills in the garage.

Well, Andy's mechanical skills were top notch. He was a good cook, successful in his career, cultured, and generous. Most importantly, he put up with her, and didn't have a wandering eye. All of the right ingredients were there, and she could surely fall in love with him, given a little more time.

These thoughts were still running through her head when her therapy session with Tony came around. Aside from a verbal reprimand about not calling home to make anyone aware of her Friday night stay in the city, they had been getting along fine. Sadly, she was no longer expected to be home on any given night.

"Welcome back! Last week we talked about the first few times your outside relationships impacted your friendship. It seems like your stories were really from a time when you were still employer and employee at heart. Was there a turning point? Some kind of impetus for your friendship to override that basic fact?"

"There were a couple of things that stick out in my mind, Dr. Sweetin. The first was that Angela gave me a day off to clean out my father's apartment, which I had been holding onto for a year after his death. She showed up unannounced and supported me through the process. I wouldn't have been able to really grieve without her help. The second is that she took Sam out shopping for her first bra. It ended up being a whole girls' day out, and Sam's been real attached to Angela and Mona ever since. The thing is, that was the first time Angela helped me deal with my baby growing up. I couldn't have gotten through puberty without her."

"I think Tony's friendship crept up on me. He's been in my corner from the very beginning. I tried to chalk it up to the fact that he worked for me, but it was really hard to do that when he disagreed or talked back to me so often."

"So, when did it become clear that he was not just friendly and good at his job, but an important person in your life?"

"It must have been when my husband showed up about six months after Tony moved in."

"I thought she was divorced!"

"Michael showed up and assumed Tony was my new boyfriend."

"Hilarious!" Tony interjected. Dr. Sweetin made a note.

"I was trying to get him to sign the divorce papers, but we ended up in bed together and decided to try again."

"He's a jerk, but he's one of those tall, charming, good-looking jerks."

"I see. How did that reconciliation go?"

"Well enough that Michael tried to fire Tony. I said he couldn't do that, but Tony decided to step aside anyway. He and Sam moved out as soon as he got another job."

"Tony, did you think it was a good idea for Angela to reconcile with Michael?"

"No, and I told her what I thought."

"He did. I should have listened. Instead, I just ended up pretending to be happily married for a couple of weeks. Then it fell apart again."

"Michael asked me to come back. I think Jonathan got to him with his comments about how Sam and I were family."

"It was really difficult living without Tony. I had become pretty dependent on him at that point."

"For housekeeping?"

"For emotional support."

"It was hard for me to be away from Angela, too. I can't tell you why. I just missed her. It wasn't as bad as when I lost Marie, but it was the same kind of feeling. Heartache, you know?"

"Oh, Tony. I didn't know you felt that way."

"It seems silly now. I wasn't gone that long, and I hadn't known you that long. But when I was in it, I thought we were done, and there was so much I wanted to learn about you. So many things I wanted to see Jonathan do. And Sam was pretty devastated herself."

"I know. We sort of talked about it that night when she slept in my bed."

"The first time, right?"

"Yeah, not the time you and I ended up together."

"Can I hear that story?"

"Oh, there's nothing to it. We all watched a scary movie and the kids were running around switching beds, and we accidentally ended up in Sam's bed together. I thought I was alone and he thought he was with Sam. Obviously, nothing happened."

Tony's face flushed just thinking of the way Angela had jumped around in a panic. Her nightgown had left little to the imagination. Problem was, he didn't need his imagination to fill in the blanks. He knew exactly what she looked like under the thin fabric.

"Is that right, Tony? Nothing happened?"

"Right," he said, shifting in his seat.

"So, when did something happen?"

"You mean between us?"

"Yes, for instance when did the 'kissing as friends' start?"

"Angela's birthday that first year. But we were both drunk, so it doesn't count."

"Do you agree that it doesn't count, Angela?

"Of course."

"Any other times that don't count?"

"A couple of years later, Angela came up with a list of things she wanted to do. She had broken up with Geoffrey and wanted to reclaim her youth or something. Anyway, 'make out at inspiration point' was on the list. I did her a favor and kissed her while we were parked at the scenic overlook."

"You did me a favor? That kiss was not a favor!"

"Fine. I did it because I wanted to! Just like on your birthday. Don't act like you didn't want it just as much."

"Let's take a step back. When we first met, you told me that your most recent kiss was a year ago. Is that right?"

"It was, but my mother decided to hang mistletoe. So we've shared a couple of kisses since Thanksgiving," Angela hedged.

"A couple? Two?" Dr. Sweetin asked.

"Two little ones," Tony said. He turned to look at Angela for a moment, then leaned his elbows on his knees and told the therapist, "I gotta be honest because the guilt has been eating away at me. We made out one night."

"Under the mistletoe?"

"It wasn't cheating. I would never cheat on Andy!" Angela cried. "You know, when I was dating Geoffrey, Tony and I kissed under the mistletoe right in front of him. How is this any different?"

"Angela, can I have you take two deep breaths?" Dr. Sweetin asked, pushing the tissue box in her direction. After a minute, she continued. "You had quite a reaction. Is there anything going on in your relationship that might have caused you to feel defensive?"

"Andy told me he loves me," she said, looking down at her hands and the crumpled tissue in her lap.

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me?" Tony badgered her.

"Saturday morning, after our night out in the city."

"Figures," Tony mumbled.

"Tony, do you have something to say about Angela's news?"

"Andy's a good guy. I just don't think he's right for Angela."

"Why not?" Dr. Sweetin asked.

"He doesn't hold her accountable. She uses him to get away from me, ropes him into shit he'd never think up on his own, and then avoids him for days after he shares his feelings."

"Tony! How can you say that?"

"Has he ever asked you what's going on between us?"

"No! Why would he?"

"If he knew you well enough, he would be suspicious. Don't most of your boyfriends challenge you about living with a man?"

"I count that as a point in Andy's favor. He isn't insecure."

"He must not know what you told me back in October. That you don't have a future together because your heart belongs to someone else."

"Maybe I've changed my mind about that. Our relationship is so much deeper now."

"Then why did you give me a handy Thanksgiving weekend?"

"Hold it!" Dr. Sweetin interrupted. "Angela, is that what Tony meant when he said you made out? Did you provide manual stimulation?"

"I felt sorry for him. He was visibly aroused."

"Oh, that's bullshit, Angela! It was dark, remember? And did you ever think the reason I was aroused is because you put my hand up under your shirt while we were kissing?"

"You're the one who said you didn't want to stop!" she yelled. "You made me think it would be our secret."

A sharp rap on the door startled all three of the room's occupants.

"I'm sorry. That means we're two minutes over. I do have an opening on Thursdays at this time, if you're interested in doing two a week." Angela and Tony looked at each other and Dr. Sweetin could tell they were having a silent conversation made up of tiny changes in expression, head tilts, and shoulder shrugs. "I would highly recommend you work through these issues as quickly as possible," she interrupted. Seeing the couple nod in agreement, she stood and ushered them out of the room.