Combatants Remaining: 6X ERROR

Remaining Days: 6

My terminal beeps, and I want to tune it out so badly. But I know that comes with consequences; ignoring the fact that I have to wake up isn't an option.

I need to get up. I need to get ready. I need to get to the classroom before the first class starts.

If I don't…

Shinji's face comes to mind. No surprise, nor shock. Just acceptance of the circumstances he knew of but wanted to ignore, clinging to the small futile hope that the penalties are, for some reason, a lie. Just to make you more careful, to scare you off.

But they aren't. Obviously, they aren't.

Missing just a single day, our — Saber's — strength will be limited to 90% of her actual ability. Maybe if I was less of a useless Master, we could afford that risk. If I was, I wouldn't be in a place to consider taking on a handicap just to avoid classes for no other reason than me struggling with the situation either, though.

I feel like I can't find the strength or motivation in me to get up. It's as if as long as I don't get up, the day doesn't start. Life freezes, keeping me in a suspended state in which I didn't just barely escape death, only over the corpse of someone who I considered my friend, who was nothing but a kid, caught up in danger way over his head.

"Master," Saber addresses me, her tone carrying a warning. "You're going to be late."

I get it. I get it, geez!

I know that I don't have the luxury to wallow in self-pity like this undisturbed. I've become a murderer anyway, luxury is nothing that should be granted to me at all.

"Yeah, don't worry," I tell her, though the meaning matters not.

As if Saber is worried in the first place. Someone this ruthless can't be worried over minor concerns such as mine. I don't remember having changed into my pajamas, but they're what I'm wearing.

Whatever. I get changed, though I don't bother to brush my hair. I don't see the point. Am I supposed to care about looking decent and presentable, with everything that's happened? What a joke.

I walk to school in solitude, though it's more that my feet carry me the way without needing much of my active involvement.

The thought of attending class sickens me. Everyone there will be a murderer, just like me. All of us, every single Master left, has blood on their hands. Most not directly, but indirectly. Does it make a difference? Is someone who shot another person less of a murderer than someone who stabbed another person, just because the latter got their hands dirty? No way.

For a brief moment, I wonder if I can just go to the infirmary instead of class. I spent the first day of the last round there since I was unconscious. It was deemed excused absence, which makes sense. Though I doubt that'd be the case here.

The vitals Sakura as the school's nurse can check relate to my body, my physical health; and I'm pretty sure that's in perfect shape. Not warranting a stay in the infirmary at the very least. My wounds are psychological in nature, I'm not sure Sakura would be able to pick up on that.

Or even if she does, does the system care? They trap people into this deathly tournament. Whoever or whatever came up with this system must be aware of the stress it puts on people to take others' lives just for the sake of their own ambition. A system forcing humans into such cruelty with no way out but death can't be kind enough as to leave room for respite over trauma.

It's futile, entirely futile.

The classroom is a little emptier than last week and looking at Shinji's desk makes my stomach churn. Part of me hopes that it was a dream, an illusion, and that Shinji will show up like nothing happened. Deep inside I already know those hopes would be crushed within the next few minutes. He won't come to class anymore, never again.

He's gone not only from the Holy Grail War, but from the world as a whole. The universe. Life itself.

And it's my fault.

Leo joins the classroom, no surprise to see him. In a way, it feels just natural that he made it. Not only because his Servant seemed reliable, and they both exude an aura of a strength I lack in every way, but also their confidence. Leo is so assured of his victory that even I, a bystander who hardly knows him, an opponent, can't find it in me to doubt it.

In the end, it means that Leo as well took another Master's life. He's a murderer, just like me, though he seems completely unfazed. Well, unlike me, he's probably prepared.

"Good morning, Hakuno," he greets me with his usual smile. "I'm happy to see you made it through the last round, against all odds."

Happy that I killed Shinji, I think bitterly. Isn't that what he meant?

"Morning," I mutter, and I don't meet his gaze.

I don't really want to acknowledge his or anyone else's presence, just get this day over with. Anyone I'd talk to is someone who made the decision to kill. I know I'm no better. I know that. If anything, I'm worse. I didn't take the life of someone prepared, of a battle-hardened soldier or mercenary, of someone who had a wish so dear to them that they're willing to kill or even die for the mere chance to have it fulfilled.

No, I took the life of a kid. Snuffed out a life before it even really began. And I hardly knew him at that. The only person here who'd probably even bother remember Shinji as a person, not just an adversary, and I hardly know him. It's a sad, depressing joke.

Leo seems to understand that I would rather be left alone, as unlike most other days, he doesn't make any effort to strike up any conversation with me. There's other Masters talking to each other, but I zone them out. I don't care what they talk about, and to be honest, even the classes fade into a background noise that I can't recall the content of even as the words are spoken.

Time doesn't pause, no matter how one feels, and lunch break comes around.

I don't want to deal with the crowd of people in the cafeteria, though. And it's not like I have any appetite either. In fact, the mere idea of food disgusts me, thinking about its consumption makes me feel nauseous.

For a lack of better options, I walk up the stairs instead, just to stop at the door to the rooftop, my hand pausing at the handle. The rooftop is a certain person's territory in a way. There's a pretty high chance I'll run into her. But at the same time, she might not have come to the rooftop this lunch break, or any lunch break at all. She may just spend them in the dormitory, or elsewhere entirely.

I open the door, deciding I can just leave if I see her anyway. But the rooftop is empty, there is no one to be seen. The breeze feels nice, and being alone at the very least feels less stifling than being in the same room as the other murderers, nonchalant about what they've done. It's almost like a small break to catch my breath.

Resting my back against the wall, I sink down to sit on the ground. The cold sensation of stone feels somewhat grounding, giving a sense of stability that otherwise is impossible to get in this place.

"Master," Saber speaks up, materializing.

Her tone tells me she's not happy, but it doesn't really concern me.

"If you want lunch, go by yourself," I tell her, throwing my terminal at her.

Saber catches it in both hands, giving me a last look of what surely is disapproval. I don't meet her eyes.

"All right."

She disappears, leaving me completely alone, finally. This might have been the most alone I've been since I came here. Saber had been by my side the whole time, after all. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my face on them, blocking out sight of this world completely. If only for just a moment I could forget where I am and everything related, maybe I could wake up.

Though deep inside, I know that won't work. There's no way it would. As nice as it would for this to be a dream, it's not.

"What are you doing here?"

Ah, that's Rin's voice. It carries the usual edge. I'm surprised I didn't hear her approach at all, but maybe I simply didn't pay enough attention. Whatever. I don't really feel like having a conversation, maybe she'll leave me alone if I don't respond.

"Hey, I asked you something! Kamiyoshi!"

She's stomping her foot and I flinch at the sudden noise. Naturally, ignoring her won't do any good. Rin isn't the type to let anything go.

"I wanted to be alone," I tell her truthfully.

Surprisingly, Rin stays quiet for a while. Part of me expects her to forcefully pull me up, but instead, I hear a sigh and some rustling. I don't look to make sure, but it seems Rin sits down next to me, keeping a healthy distance between us.

"Do you want to die?"

Shinji's face, contorting in fear as his body dissolves, part by part, comes to mind. He asked me for help. I couldn't even reach out my hand to him.

What kind of question is that?

"No," I tell her.

Obviously I don't want to die.

"Then get your ass moving," Rin tells me sternly. "You don't have the time to mope around. Yeah, you killed someone. First time you did, as far as your memories go anyway. But you knew that's what you'll have to do to move on, and you went that far anyway."

Rin sighs.

"You even had the nerve to ask me to help you with your Code Cast. Hell, you managed to beat Matou somehow! I don't know if you just have some overpowered Noble Phantasm or whatever, but—"

"He was eight," I mutter, interrupting what appears to become a rant. "Shinji was only eight. He… he didn't know."

He didn't know the stakes. Didn't understand it's his life on the line. Maybe he was too young to even be capable of understanding all of this in the first place. He was blissfully ignorant of the risk, up until his very end. When it hit him all in one single moment, along with what seemed to be anything but a peaceful end.

"So you found out, huh."

…what? What!?

"You knew?"

She's kidding, right. Rin wants to tell me she knew Shinji was a kid and just sent me into combat with him as though he is well-prepared and has it coming anyway? I thought Saber is ruthless, but this—

"Well, sort of. I wasn't completely sure it's really him, but… Yeah, I had an idea."

"Why didn't you tell me!?"

I raise my head to look at her, but what I see in her face isn't pity. She looks the same as usual — calm, collected, aloof.

"I told you from the very beginning that you shouldn't expect other Masters to help you. Naturally, I wouldn't hand out information on other Masters to you."

That bitch…!

"Thanks a lot for letting me walk into that unknowing," I practically growl at her.

I don't know why, but anger that I didn't even know was boiling inside of me is now focused on Rin. As though everything is her fault, as if it's her fault that I killed a kid. Indirectly as it was, I'm his murderer, and that's a fact.

"Anytime," Rin answers, as though it doesn't bother her.

Well, what else should I have expected? Just like me, she just murdered another person, but unlike me, she seems unbothered. It makes me sick to the core that I seem to be the only one struggling with what happened.

"Did you check your opponent for this week yet?"

Suddenly changing the topic so casually. As if this was just a damn game, no stakes, no risk. As if this wasn't about playing with people's lives.

"I didn't bother." I look down onto the stone floor.

"Are you serious!? And here I was thinking I have to reconsider my opinion of you, but seems you've got a death wish after all. Well, have it your way, then."

With that, she gets up, readjusting her miniskirt and leaving me on the rooftop by myself.

I groan to myself. She's right, and I hate her for it. I should've checked the bulletin board for my next opponent right when lunch break started. Heck, I'm pretty sure I saw a crowd of students in front of it, too. I just paid it no mind.

That must've been what Saber was displeased about earlier.

There's probably still time. I get up and make my way down the stairs. Not that I have much of a choice. Sooner or later, I would have to go look at the board anyway.

When I arrive, what I find is… a surprise, to say the least.

Hakuno Kamiyoshi…..ERROR 404: Opponent Not Found

What does that even mean…?

I rub my eyes, thinking I may just be half-asleep or something, maybe misread it. Anything. But no, the displayed text doesn't change.

I turn towards Kotomine who's watching the bulletin board at this time, it seems. Probably enjoying the reactions of Masters learning who their next opponent is. He looks just like the type to derive some sadistic joy from that.

"There's some problem," I tell him.

"Oh? Let me look into the match-ups," he says, going silent for a quick moment. Probably accessing the data. "It appears that your opponent hasn't been found."

Thanks. I understood that much from what the bulletin board said. But I have no idea what to do with that information. Or what it actually means. How can an opponent not be found?

"What does that mean? How can that happen?"

"All match-ups are determined the night before the first day of a round, and posted the following day at 12:00," Kotomine explains.

I know that much. It was part of a class last week, to tell Masters that they should see who their opponent is as early as possible. But that doesn't explain how an opponent can be not found. It's impossible to leave, isn't it?

"It's a rare occurrence but it's possible that a Master succumbs to their injuries and dies between their battle and the matching process. If the number of Masters drops to an even number, that causes no problem, of course. However, in case of an uneven number of Masters, the one who would normally have been paired with the deceased Master will have no opponent for that round."

"It's rare but it's possible for Masters to die after winning the Elimination Battle. If that leaves the number of participants uneven, that is handled as an 'error' by the system as it should not normally happen. In that case, one Master cannot be assigned an opponent."

So… the person I would've had to go up against this week… is already dead? I don't have to kill anyone this week? This feels too good to be true.

"What do I have to do now?"

"You have to be present in the Coliseum to be determined victor. As such, you will need to collect both Triggers as normal. You will win your round by simply accessing the Coliseum at the end of the week."

That's… easy enough. I won't have to kill, I won't have to deal with someone out to kill me either. Somehow, I'm relieved. I'm getting a break, for some reason, against all odds. I can take it easy and take a much needed rest.

"Thanks," I tell him.

"You seem to misunderstand your situation, young Master," he smiles, too happy at this revelation. As if there is hidden meaning to the circumstances, or a crucial detail I should be aware of but am missing.

I don't understand what he's getting at, but he won't tell me either.

Whatever.

For a moment, I wonder if this doesn't mean I can skip classes…? If there is nobody I'll have to battle, then penalties mean nothing either. But the image of an enraged Saber keeps me from following up on that idea. No matter what, she wouldn't allow me to do anything that would reduce her strength. That, I'm sure of.

Begrudgingly, I make my way back to the classroom, sitting through the afternoon classes before going back to my room.

Saber, who I don't know how long she's been by my side in her invisible form since I sent her off in lunch break, materializes and returns my terminal to me.

"We don't have an opponent this round," I relay to her. "We only need to grab both Triggers to move on."

"So you're planning to take it easy, Master."

It's not that I'm easy to read, it's just that this would be a natural conclusion. Well, I really don't find the energy in me to feel motivated for training, or anything for that matter. If I could spend this whole week doing nothing, that would be great.

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Plenty, in fact. Master, I knew you to be weak, but I didn't take you for a fool. Much less did I expect your will to be shaken so easily."

Easily? Is that what it is for her?

"Not everyone can be used to murder, Saber."

"And you think it'll get easier by wallowing in self-pity? You think you'll feel better tomorrow, or maybe the day after?"

Yes! … no. I don't know! How would I be able to know? This isn't just something that comes natural to anyone. I've never been in such a situation before, so obviously I don't know how to deal with it.

Okay, maybe I have… but if so, I don't remember it at all. So it boils down to the same in the end.

"Are you planning to give up?"

Not the first time I'm asked something along these lines today. As much as what I want to do would essentially be giving up, the truth is…

"No. I still… I want to live," I tell her. "It's just… It's hard."

Too hard. Suffocatingly hard. Everything feels wrong, I feel empty and I can't forget the face of Shinji in his last moments. The burning sensation in my gut and throat, the nausea. I want to cry but no tears come. Saying I feel awful isn't quite accurate, rather, I can't tell how I feel.

"It won't get easier," Saber tells me. She really doesn't mince her words. "But you can become stronger, Master."

Her words aren't white lies. Saber doesn't say what she believes will make me feel better, she merely states what she believes to be a fact. It's a truth I want to cling to, it almost gives me hope.

"Okay…"

If Saber says so, I will believe her. I still think of her as cruel and ruthless, but… In this case, she must speak from experience. It doesn't sit right with me to end up like Saber, being able to nonchalantly kill someone who doesn't even put up a fight anymore, but… At the very least, I want to be able to be myself again.

It feels like I'm not quite 'living', like I'm only going through motions. I want that to stop.

"Let's go to the Arena, then."

But Saber stops me.

"Master, you haven't eaten all day," she reminds me.

Ah, right. I forgot about that, since I'm not feeling hungry in the first place.

"I can't," I tell her. "Just the thought of food…"

I cover my mouth with my hand, the nausea overcoming me.

"That, too, will not just disappear by waiting it out. Master, you need to eat to replenish your energy."

I nod, though I'm unsure how capable I am on following up on that. If I could, I would avoid meals, but Saber isn't going to let me do that, it appears.

"I'll try."

I relent, making my way to the cafeteria with her. Saber suggests a light meal for me, more of a snack, taking her usual junk food for herself.

To be honest, I really have to force myself on every single bite, and with each of them small, it feels like I'm making no progress. Saber watches me, making sure I stick to my word and try my best, but she says nothing.

"Kamiyoshi, I believe?"

A voice calls out to me in the otherwise empty cafeteria. I turn to face a fellow Master, one assigned to a teacher role — Sir Dan Blackmore, former soldier.

I sure wonder what reason he's approaching me for. We aren't opponents, so there is no reason for us to talk, is there?

"You appeared unwell in class today," he said, sounding almost like a real teacher. "It's just a role assigned to us, but as your teacher, I can't bring myself to ignore that. May I sit?"

I nod, and he takes a seat at the table. It really catches me off-guard that another Master would worry about anyone here, especially me. Everyone else seems to be taking the first round well. Or maybe it's just that everyone who would've been troubled by murder haven't made it through the first round and never had to face the consequences of taking another person's life.

Saber eyes Dan suspiciously, but silently permits this conversation. I have no doubt that she would interfere if she felt there's the need for that.

"I assume this was your first time taking another person's life."

His voice is soft and grandfatherly, but he doesn't beat around the bush. At the very least, he doesn't seem to mock me for my apparent weakness, of being affected this much.

I nod yet again.

"I have no memories," I clarify.

Maybe it wasn't my first time, but as far as I remember, it certainly is.

"I see." Dan rubs his chin in thought. "I understand that it must be hard for you. Ending another person's life is no easy task. It's natural for that to leave scars."

Is that so…? According to Leo, Dan Blackmore is a former soldier, meaning he must have killed more people than he could count. Shouldn't, of all people, he be someone closer to Saber or Rin in how he approaches this topic? Nonchalant?

"I don't see anyone else struggling, though."

"What you see isn't all that happens. Just because they don't wear their troubles on their sleeves, doesn't mean other Masters aren't affected. Everyone goes about dealing with these things their own way."

I honestly didn't even consider that. Other Masters seem fine and unbothered, but maybe they break down when others can't see. Maybe they hide it in front of others to not appear weak. In that case, I'm pathetically open about my weakness, aren't I?

"How about you?"

"Hmm. I'd be lying if I told you that I'm losing sleep over my Elimination Battle. I believe the young Harway told you as much, but this isn't my first encounter with deadly outcome. But I don't enjoy it and if I don't have to, believe me, I wouldn't kill."

Surprisingly, Dan seems like a very gentle person. Not a heartless soldier, but a chivalrous knight. However, unlike me, he chose to join this Holy Grail War, knowing he would have to kill other people.

"Why are you here, then?"

"I have a wish dear to me that I want fulfilled," he says. "It's the same for most others here. You may be the only exception to that, Kamiyoshi… and I believe that is your greatest weakness."

… huh? Not having a wish is such a flaw? More so than my lack of strength, my ignorance, my non-existent memories? Dan must see the surprised confusion on my face, as he continues.

"Having a reason to fight is important. It helps you make full use of your strengths and even exceed your limits, but it also makes the hardships of the path more bearable. Not having one leaves you aimless, and prone to break down."

That makes sense… Is that why other Masters seem to cope so much better? Because they have their own ambition? But I can't help the fact that I have none. I might have had it at some point, but… it would be lost by now.

"What can I do about that?"

Dan stays silent for a moment.

"I can't help you with that. Kamiyoshi, you will need to find your reason to fight — by yourself."

I see… Yeah. A stranger can't give me a reason to risk my life for, that much should have been clear from the beginning.

"I have said my piece, so I will excuse myself."

Dan leaves the cafeteria after a quick stop at the counter, buying what seems to be a take-away meal. Maybe for his Servant, or his dinner later.

I honestly can't say that I feel better, but if I had to say, I think I feel a little bit less pathetic. But instead, a little foolish for thinking so poorly of others, for just assuming they are capable of murdering in cold blood and carrying on as if nothing happened.

With a lot of trouble, I finish the small meal.

"We can go to the Arena now," I tell Saber, but she shakes her head.

"I believe for today you should rest, Master."

Huh? I never would've expected Saber to tell me that of all things.

"…what do you think about what Dan said?"

Does Saber, too, believe that me lacking a reason to fight is my biggest weakness?

"I agree with that man. Master, you need to find a reason to fight. Survival is an instinct, not a reason."

"What's your reason to fight, then?"

"That is of no concern."

Of course she brushes me off. I expected as much. Following Saber's suggestion, we return to the dorm, and I decide to read in the Code Cast books a bit more. The book on Astolfo's life is in my bookshelf, I don't plan to return it to the library. It's a reminder of the Servant Rider, who cheerfully went about things his own way — for better or for worse — and his Master, Shinji, who lost his life so I can keep mine.

Did he have what I lack, or did he lack it as well? A reason to fight…

AN: Whoohoo, next round starts! Before you think something like me taking the easy way out by giving Hakuno a break, not having to pit her against another Master... Nope, that's not it! Hakuno is the type of person whose biggest strength is her perseverance. She wouldn't just break down when she's going through troubles just because something's weighing on her mind - not as long as there's something to focus on that helps distract her, at least.

But with a round like that? There's no escape from dealing with your guilt and everything. In a way, I'm making it harder for her.