Remaining Days: 4
When I open my eyes and see the ceiling, I find it to be night still. I wonder what time it is, how long until I need to wake up, so I check my terminal… to reveal to me it's 3:24.
Great, that's way too early to get up and I'm not sure how fast I'll find my way back into a deep slumber. Lack of sleep is the last thing I need in my current situation. I turn to lie on my left side to see Saber, still fast asleep.
I can barely make out any details in the dark, given the dorm rooms don't even have any window through which the moonlight could shine to provide at least light illumination. But I can tell that her chest is slowly rising and sinking, and if I'm really quiet, I can even hear her breath.
Who is Saber, really?
She isn't willing to tell me, not yet. Probably not for a while.
But that doesn't make me less curious. I don't know enough about historical or mythological figures to have even just the smallest guess. Maybe I have, at some point in the past, but that type of knowledge seems to have disappeared along with the rest of my memories.
She doesn't talk about her life, or herself in general. But it doesn't seem like she's doing this to keep her identity a secret, but more so that she doesn't seem to see much value in talking about herself. With her focus on combat and strength, that makes sense. I won't become a stronger person by knowing who she is, and Saber won't become a stronger person by telling me.
If she was the type of person who has self-doubts or insecurities, then maybe sharing them and talking them over with her Master would alleviate them and strengthen her in the process. However, I highly doubt that's the case. No, Saber is self-assured and confident. Not arrogantly so, although sometimes it can seem like that, but she is well aware of her strengths and how to use them to their highest potential to assure victory.
As much as I disagree with her values, or rather, can't find myself agreeing with or understanding them, I can't deny that she's a valuable ally to have.
Just thinking about that brings the memory back. Saber ruthlessly pushing her blade through Rider's chest, who wasn't willing to keep the fight going anymore. We had won already. Shinji and Rider were faced with their defeat, the loss of their life. Would it have killed Saber to grant them a last proper farewell?
…damn, I'm feeling sick again.
I turn away from Saber and curl myself into a ball. I weep silently at the image burnt into my memory, and the what-if scenarios that never could've been. There was no way for Shinji to live and me to see that. Him living would've meant me dying. Would I prefer that?
… I don't truly know.
What I know for sure is that I don't want to die. No, it's not just that I don't want to die, I want to live. It would be a lot easier if that wasn't the case, but I can't help it. It's normal for humans to want to live, isn't it? Humanity would be lost if that wasn't the case.
It's not just me, though. Wanting to live is a part of humanity, so Shinji must have wanted to live, too. Just like me, he never wanted to die, but… that didn't work out for him. His life was taken to prolong mine. Is my life worth that much?
Is his life worth enough to warrant me dying?
I don't know the answer to that question. As ridiculous as it sounds, dying for another person's sake is easier on your heart than having someone die for your sake. The pain catches up to those who stay. Not that it means dying is easy. No, both are unbelievably hard.
Saber was right, that's the conclusion I come to. I would've been off better never knowing Shinji is a kid. I wouldn't be fine even if I still thought of him as someone my age, even if I could tell myself that he knew the stakes and took on the risk willingly… No, even then, I still would be responsible for another person's death, that fact doesn't change.
Ahhh, I don't know… No matter how much I keep thinking about this, I'm just running in circles. If I could tune out my own thoughts, I would do that in a heartbeat. This leads to nothing but more pain, but I can't stop it.
I don't know why, maybe out of desperation, I start sobbing. Being alone with my thoughts is awful, it's strangling.
"Master." Saber's voice is all but a whisper.
She must've heard me pathetically cry to myself. I don't want to sound even more pathetic, but my voice breaks.
"I'm sorry for waking you up," I choke out.
There is almost deafening silence for a moment, besides my occasional sobs, making them even more noticeable. Saber must hate me for such a display of weakness, I'm sure.
"Try to sleep," Saber says.
She doesn't sound mad, or disappointed. Just as neutral as ever, though… I feel like I heard a twinge of kindness in her voice? Maybe I'm just imagining to hear what I wish to hear. Just hearing her voice brought me back to reality a bit, it feels.
It doesn't take too long for me to fall back asleep.
In the morning, I wake up thanks to the beeping of my terminal. I briefly remember last night, but I brush that memory aside. I can only hope that this was the last time I ever had to lie awake at night, unable to sleep… though I fear that wish is one of those that would need the Holy Grail to be granted.
At the school's entrance, I run into Dan Blackmore. Either I seem to run into him more often this week than last week, or I'm simply more aware of him. Well, it might also be related to there being only half as many Masters around, but… due to the implications of that, I avoid going down that path in my thoughts.
"Good morning, uh… Sir Blackmore," I greet him.
It takes me a few seconds to decide what to call him, but 'Sir Blackmore' feels correct. Normally I might have defaulted to 'Mr. Blackmore', since he's in the role of a teacher, but given Leo called him 'Sir' it seems more appropriate to use that title. This man seems like someone who deserves respect, not only for his (former) position, but also for his kindness extended to me.
That's how I feel, anyway.
"Good morning to you as well, Kamiyoshi. Were you able to sort out your feelings?"
"Ah, uhm… I've started, I think," I stammer. I'm not really sure how far I'm into sorting out anything. I hardly feel any better. "It's all thanks to your talk, Sir Blackmore. Thank you for that."
"It's nothing. I'm simply a teacher who reached out to a troubled student. We may face each other in battle eventually, but I would prefer that to be a battle we both can be proud of."
Pride in a battle, huh…? That sounds knightly. I'm not sure I could ever feel that way about any battle at all, but Dan seems clearly like a very good, chivalrous person. Not the image one would have of a soldier, but that of a knight. Much like Leo's Servant, Gawain. For that reason alone, being able to enjoy a fair, good battle is something that fits him.
I admire that quality of his, and wish I was that strong, too. But at the same time… I think if I had to go against Sir Dan Blackmore, it would feel way harder because he's someone this kind and good-natured. I'm lucky I don't have to face him.
"Have you made progress on your preparation for this week's Elimination Battle yet? I haven't heard of who your opponent is this time around."
Ah. Guess word didn't travel yet, huh? Well, it makes sense. The bulletin board only displays your name and your opponent's name, not the other match-ups. Given I have no opponent, other Masters wouldn't be able to hear my match-up from my opponent either.
"I wasn't assigned one," I tell him. "There was some error, Kotomine said a Master… died… after their battle, and the number of remaining participants was uneven."
"What!? You're free?" Rin's voice cuts in before Dan can say anything himself.
She's clearly shocked at those news.
"Getting to move on for free, how lucky are you…" Rin mutters under her breath, frustrated.
She walks past us, up the stairs, probably headed for class. I'm glad she didn't stop for a conversation, there's nothing, really, I have to say to her anyway.
"I wasn't aware you are acquainted with Rin Tohsaka," Dan says, rubbing his chin.
"More or less," I tell him, though I'm really not happy about it. "She helped me with a Code Cast last round, but… Well, turns out I was an idiot to trust her that much."
I'm bitter about that. I don't know why. It should be normal to expect to be backstabbed by other Masters here, logically I understand that much. Yet, somehow, I can't bring myself to see other Masters as that untrustworthy, as people I should keep my guard up around.
I can't help but simply see them as human beings, just like me. Until one individual specifically gives me enough of a reason to distrust them, I don't think I could, no matter how much I'm aware that it would be the more rational approach.
"How so? Did she plant a bug into it?"
"… No, the Code Cast worked fine. But… she knew Shinji was a kid. I only learned when he… was nearly gone. She didn't tell me at all."
Subconsciously, I clench my fists a bit. I still don't understand how she could be so casual about keeping it a secret. Yeah, Saber wouldn't have told me as well, but… I understand her point.
"Only because I'm a fellow Master and she won't hand out information to other Masters for free…"
It's disgusting, such a selfish reason. It wouldn't have hurt her, after all. The only one who would've been hurt learning of that fact would've been me, and Rin already displayed well enough that that's none of her concern.
"I can't say I have a good opinion on Ms. Tohsaka… However, I believe you misunderstand her."
I misunderstand her? But that's exactly what she said! Before I can argue, Dan cuts off our conversation.
"You should go to your classroom, Kamiyoshi. Even if there is no Elimination Battle waiting for you, you don't want to be late."
Ugh… He's right.
I bid him farewell and head for class. It's Ms. Fujimura's class again, so it's pretty heavily focused on Code Casts. Somehow, something about Ms. Fujimura seems off… Well, not about her herself, more that for some reason she doesn't match up with my expectation? Though I can't point towards anything specific that's wrong or should be different.
I abandon the thought and try to follow the class, taking a few notes on concepts I wasn't yet familiar with. Though what stays on my mind is one thing — me misunderstanding Rin? Her intentions for not telling me? No, that's ridiculous.
As much as I want to believe her to be a kind person, she's proven she isn't one.
Lunch break comes around and I decide to buy two bento boxes from the cafeteria. Saber complains, but I tell her that we can get another meal at the cafeteria after afternoon classes, before heading for the Arena.
It bugs me too much, and I don't want to be alone with my thoughts anyway, so I head for the rooftop. If I'm misunderstanding Rin, then it should be possible to clear that up. Either that will prove without a doubt that she's a selfish, heartless Master (most likely), or she had some actually good reason.
There I find Rin, sitting even higher up and enjoying the view with a bento of herself. She packs it up and jumps down to the same level I'm standing on, which reminds me again how bold her choice of such a short skirt is when she's willing to make such jumps. Black again, huh.
No, don't get distracted, Hakuno.
"What do you want?" She asks defensively.
Yeah. Coming here pretty much means wanting to see Rin Tohsaka. It's probably spread around that she turned the whole rooftop into her personal territory, no visitors allowed.
"I want to talk," I tell her, unwilling to back down.
"Must be nice, having the time to do smalltalk when you have no battle to prepare for."
What does that have to do with anything…? It's lunch break, even Rin wouldn't do anything worthwhile in this period, would she? I almost regret coming here.
I feel a lump in my throat when I think about how to ask her. God, why did I even bother?
"If there's something you want, spit it out already. I don't want to waste my lunch break."
Surprisingly, her Servant materializes next to her.
"Master. This girl won't be able to speak her mind if you keep attacking her like that," she scolds Rin.
Where was this Servant the last time I talked to Rin? She would've been great to have around.
"Got it, got it…" Rin relents, though annoyed.
What did this Servant do to Rin that she's willing to listen? Sure, she's still visibly aggressive in terms of mood, but she's listening to someone.
"What's the reason you didn't tell me about Shinji?"
"…that again? I already told you, don't expect other Masters to just hand out information to you."
Her Servant looks like she wants to interject, but she keeps quiet. The look she gives Rin shows clear disapproval, though.
"Saber said she wouldn't tell me either, had she known," I tell Rin. "I was mad, but… She would've kept it from me because it would've made me hold back."
"And now you think I'm the same?"
Her voice lets me know that even considering that possibility must be the wrong track entirely. Saber is the cruel, ruthless one; but it appears Rin Tohsaka has less humanity inside of her.
Rin's Servant sighs.
"My Master was worried about how you'd feel if you knew. That's why she didn't tell you."
"Hey, what are you telling her!"
Rin appears quite flustered. No way, right?
"…you were worried? About me?"
"I wasn't worried," Rin clarifies, her pitch rising slightly. "I was just pitying you! You didn't have much of a chance against Shinji, I was sure you'd lose. And I'm not so cruel that I'd want a helpless amnesiac Master to suffer through a moral dilemma in the few days they have. That's all!"
"…is that so?"
Rin's Servant pinches the bridge of her nose.
"Master, your communication skills leave much to be desired…"
She dematerializes again, leaving Rin alone with me. That poor Servant sure has her work cut out for her, huh…
"Anyway!" Rin clears her throat. "Since you're free, how are you spending your week?"
… is she asking me to criticize me no matter what my answer is, or is she in some way actually concerned about me? At this point, I don't really know what to make of Rin Tohsaka anymore.
"School as usual, and training in the Arena," I tell her. I leave out the part of trying to get over the flashbacks of Shinji's final moment, and the thought of everyone being a cold-blooded murderer.
"Also… I'm trying to find a reason to fight."
"Huh, you've realized it after all."
"Sir Blackmore told me I'd need one… and that's why I'm struggling more than other Masters."
Agh. I slipped up after all. I want to slap myself…
"Yeah, that makes sense." Rin flips her hair, as if to emphasize her point. "Don't wait too long to find one."
Sure, I wasn't planning to wait until the end of the Holy Grail War to decide on one, but I can't force to think of one either. Still, it's rare to have such an almost normal conversation with Rin. I think I'm less opposed to her now. Pity, sympathy… Either way, in some fashion, she worried about me. It's unexpected, but it makes me happy.
Maybe Rin is someone who's kinder than she appears after all.
"Is your opponent this week strong?"
I feel regret for asking that question the moment the words leave my mouth. I'm an idiot.
"Obviously. The number of weak Masters lowers each round. But I'll be fine. I have more experience, I'm sure that'll come in help. No need to worry about me."
I wasn't worried about her! Or was I? No, not really. Somehow, I just can't imagine Rin to lose in the first place, so worrying for her outcome doesn't even come to my mind.
"That's good to hear," I tell her. "Good luck."
"I'm gonna go ahead. The rooftop's yours for today, but don't get used to it," Rin says as she leaves the rooftop. "Also, thanks for letting me know your Servant is a Saber."
Ah. Crap. I really did let that slip? Ugh… Saber is probably pissed.
"Make of that what you will, girl," Saber says smugly, materializing.
Not much sense in hiding anymore now, huh.
I sit down on the ground with Saber and we share the bentos, though I can tell Saber isn't all that pleased having this for lunch. It can't be helped.
"Sorry for letting your class slip," I tell her. Really, I can't believe I was that careless.
"It's not much of a problem," Saber says. "She can't do much with that information alone. If she ever becomes our opponent, my class will be one of the first things she'll be able to deduce."
"You have a point…"
Rin as my opponent? Somehow, I don't even want to consider it. Not only because I doubt I could keep up with her, but for some reason I just really don't want to battle her of all people. Maybe it's because of how regularly we talked, or that she helped me, maybe it's the fact that she felt me up on our first meeting and thus is the most intimate person for me…
Kidding aside, despite her harsh words, in some way or fashion, Rin has never caused me any problems, instead looking out for me in some way or another. I would feel conflicted about facing her the same way I'd feel if it was Dan.
…but… if I want to survive and win, that means both Dan and Rin will have to die. There's only one survivor, after all. I'm starting to realize how awful an idea it is to get too attached to other people here. It's probably best to keep your distance; planning to win, you'll be all alone in the end anyway.
After uneventful afternoon classes, it's time for what Saber considers a 'proper meal', though I just tag along because as her Master and the one with the terminal that can pay, I don't have much of a choice.
I consider writing another Code Cast. Improving my current one to heal worse wounds is important as well, sure, but I feel like I should work on something that can heal effects such as paralysis as well, maybe even poison. You never know when that might come into handy.
Though even after just a brief look, I can tell those are completely different, it's almost like restarting from scratch. This won't be easy at all.
"Hey, Miss, can you buy me a cake?"
A little girl in a light blue frilly dress suddenly stands next to me. She looks a bit like a doll, though she's clearly a little girl.
…a little girl? Shinji wasn't the only child in this Holy Grail War…? My body feels both unbearably hot and ice-cold at the same time. Another kid. She made it through the first round, but eventually…
No, I shouldn't think about that now. She's not my opponent. She's a kid.
"Sure, why not?"
I walk to the counter with her and let her pick a cake she wants, and pay for a slice. She joins us at the table, and although Saber eyes her suspiciously, she doesn't refuse the girl's wish.
She happily eats the cake, as if she never got to enjoy a cake before in her life. Kids sure love sweets, huh? Well, not like I'm to talk. I enjoy sweet pastry just as much.
"What's your name?" I ask the little girl.
"I'm Alice, Miss." She tells me. "How about you?"
"My name is Hakuno Kamiyoshi."
"You seem like a good person, Miss. I wish Alice could play with you," Alice says with a small pout.
"Why can't you?"
…well, maybe because this place has no playground or anything? Though there's plenty of games that don't require anything but the players themselves, right?
"Because Alice has another playmate right now, so playing with someone else is no good," Alice nods to herself. "But maybe next time!"
"Uh… yeah, sure," I tell her, though she confuses me.
I'm not sure if I want to hope for that 'next time' to come because it means she survived, or if I want to hope that it doesn't so that she can find her peace in death early enough that she doesn't have to take too many other lives before succumbing to the cruelty of the Holy Grail War herself.
I feel disgusted by myself for even considering that another person dying would be a good thing in any capacity.
"Thanks for the cake. See you, Miss!"
For someone who killed another person, she's awfully cheerful and outgoing. Maybe she didn't realize her opponent actually lost their life…? At the very least, I don't want to consider the other possibility.
Once Saber finishes her meal, we make our way to the Arena.
It's starting to get less awfully unbearable to watch Saber cut her way through Enemy Programs, though I'm far from being used to the death of anything, alive or artificial. At the very least, I don't drop to my knees today.
I'm even able to use my Code Cast one time to heal Saber in a battle when the Enemy Program stroke a little faster than she anticipated. It's unusual for Saber to be this careless… But it boosts my confidence just a little to see that I'm able to participate somewhat.
Once the sun sets, not that that's visible in the Arena, we make our way back to the dorm. I don't look forward to the night, given that for all I know, I may just repeat last night's troubles again.
If there was a way to prevent that for sure, I'd take it.
"Are you going to be fine, Master?" Saber asks while I get ready for bed.
I want to tell her yes, but I don't think lying to her is any real option.
"I hope so," I tell her instead.
"Wake me up to slap some sense into you rather than sob on your own," Saber tells me. And she's not joking. "Just in case."
"…thanks, I will."
Honestly, I won't.
AN: Well, in terms of combat, this round is fairly uneventful, I know. But personally I like this room to breathe in terms of being able to focus on other matters of the story. Such as Rin refusing to show that she somewhat cares about Hakuno, or Alice existing, or reminding you that other Masters have their own opponent to prepare for... Yeah, it'd feel unfair if someone gets to move through a round "for free", doesn't it? Ignoring the struggles resulting from that aimlessness, that is.
Fun fact: The line "The pain catches up to those who stay." in Hakuno's nightly ruminations is basically a reference and heavily inspired by the line "Pain always catches up to those who chooses to stay" in the lyrics of the song Gone Angels by Mili, used in the game Library of Ruina.
Feel free to give it a listen! And give Library of Ruina a try if you're masochistic enough to suffer through a video game, I dare you.