DISCLAIMER:I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.
Please find the full disclaimers in the beginning of Chapter 1.
Chapter 26
Maura heard the rap on the door.
"Come on in, Melanie, and please lock the door. I don't want our session to be interrupted by a nurse."
Melanie closed and locked the door behind her, taking in the image of Maura. The always so posed doctor was in a hospital gown, with an oxygen mask attached to her face, and Melanie could see she was nervous.
"Thank you for getting out of your way to meet me in the hospital. I appreciate you making yourself available this fast."
"You sounded like you really needed to talk, Dr. Isles. I am glad I could accommodate it."
"Maura, please. Have a seat, Jane left the chair positioned for you."
"So Maura… Why don't you begin by telling me what happened?"
"I survived a plane crash over the South American jungle last Saturday." Maura began.
Melanie asked more, always surprised by Maura's matter-of-fact approach to things, and Maura provided more details of why she was going there.
Melanie knew she would need to dig with Maura. Dr. Isles knew better the theory than Melanie herself. But her logical brain made her simplify or rationalize things too fast, and that was not what she needed to do for these sessions to work. The good thing was that Maura was really disciplined, committed, and once she would get beyond the logical barrier, things usually flowed really well, with significant progress to keep her engaged.
"I think there is a lot for us to explore here." Melanie began, after Maura gave her the facts.
"I just don't know where to begin." Maura sighed, and Melanie for the first time could see a crack on the studied façade.
"If there is not an obvious starting point to you, do you mind if I try to unpack this chronologically?"
"Sure."
"Tell me how you felt when you first realized something was wrong…"
Maura nodded, gathering her thoughts.
"At first, I noticed we were enveloped by white sheets of clouds and rain, and even the front window by the pilots was the same. It made me feel uncomfortable, like it was an unreal scenario, and I had to remind myself pilots can fly by instruments. I was not worried then yet, just uncomfortable with the turbulence and the lack of visibility. It was when I heard them talking about one engine being struck by lightning, when I first saw the fire through the opposite window from where I was sitting at, that it struck me things could really turn out badly."
"And how did it make you feel?"
"It is funny… Somehow, I detached myself of the situation, trying to assess it objectively. I lived my life well, I did most everything I wanted to do, I achieved most everything I planned to achieve, and if I was to die that day, I would die satisfied…" Maura paused.
"I sense a 'but' coming…"
Maura closed her eyes and exhaled.
Melanie waited.
"There is a 'but' coming… But I don't think I am ready to talk about it… Not yet…"
Melanie took a note.
"Understood. I am making a note, because you know we will need to revisit it when you are ready…"
Maura nodded.
"And how did you feel when they gave you the instructions to brace for emergency landing?"
Maura exhaled sharply. "I thought 'this is really happening', because, you know, it is surreal when it does happen. And then, funnily enough, I went in full scientist mode. I tried to think if there was any adjustment I could make to my bracing position that would be better or safer. And I did. It was almost as if… hmmm… I took control of my chances of survival. What sounds very pretentious now. And then I tried to convince myself that as long as I didn't panic and remained calm, everything would be alright, that I could figure things out – even though I felt like I was in a free-fall rollercoaster car – only it was a free-falling small plane."
"I know we debated before about the human illusion of control." Melanie remembered fondly and saw Maura smiling at her.
"Yes. I don't believe it is always an illusion as psychology poses it. But in this case, I have to agree that likely it was an illusion."
"I don't know if I agree in this case. Aren't you here to prove it was not an illusion?"
Maura chuckled. "Let's be honest, Melanie. The fact that I am here is a mere chance of fate."
"It might be. But it also might be that you did everything you could to make it possible for the universe to collaborate with you."
Maura thought for a moment.
"It would be a very unscientific explanation."
And having worked with Maura before, Melanie knew this was certainly one burden in their way. The randomness and unpredictability of what happened was likely one of the big hurdles for the controlled and organized doctor. Melanie took notes.
"What about when you woke up?"
"I felt completely vulnerable." Maura blurted. "Disoriented. And the pain… It was so intense that it made me sick to my stomach. And I never get sick." Maura exhaled. "Seeing the cracked fuselage above my face, realizing my seat had been yanked free from the fuselage, it made me feel insignificant, you know? I struggled to unbuckle my seatbelt, for Pete's sake…"
Melanie nodded for her to continue.
"I am not used to feeling vulnerable, not since I took the reins of my life in my own hands and moved to boarding school. And the few times I did feel vulnerable before or after, it was never that vulnerable. Not even when I was abducted by Joe Harris." Maura continued.
"Maura, you went to boarding school when you were nine…"
"Yes… That is what I mean that I am not used to being vulnerable…" Maura admitted.
"And you were also disoriented and in pain with Joe Harris…"
"No, Melanie. The pain this time was not being stiff due to being sedated in a single position, or of having my wrists chaffed by handcuffs. This time I was in real, intense, mind-numbing pain. I couldn't think. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. And I was the only survivor of a crash. The two pilots who were talking to me before the crash were mangled in the cabin."
Melanie just nodded, giving time for Maura to continue, but Maura seemed lost in thought for a few moments before she resumed talking.
"Survivor's guilt is something I haven't thought about until now, but it might have played a role. I didn't have too long to dwell on seeing the pilots dead. But it did feel random that they were dead, and I was alive. I know random is not the word – their position in the cabin put them in the forefront of the impact. But still, seeing them was shocking, even though I am surrounded by dead bodies every day at work."
"Were they personal?"
"No. It was more like… It could have been me… I still don't know why or how it was not me. I am glad I survived, don't get me wrong. But I can't explain how or why, I couldn't find a scientific explanation yet. Jane says I am a walking miracle. But I don't believe in miracles."
"Does it bother you?"
"What?"
"Not knowing how or why you survived?"
"It does. I like to understand things. And I don't understand this."
"Okay… So let's table that understanding for a moment… What changed to allow you to resume your ability to think, move, and breathe again?"
Maura chuckled. "The smell of smoke, and the smell of fuel. The realization the fire was still burning and that I was inside a timebomb."
"So you were still thinking…" Melanie provoked.
Maura smiled, and exhaled.
"Yes… I think the right word is that I was overwhelmed by the pain and the shock and the feeling of vulnerability. The headache made it really hard to think. The pain on my ribs made it really hard to breathe, and the pain on my shoulder and on my knee made it really hard to move."
"And then?"
"Then I felt I knew what to do… Even if I was slower than I am used to, and less able than I am used to, as long as I kept focusing on one single decision at a time, I could move forward."
"And how that made you feel?"
"Less vulnerable, because I was not feeling like a victim anymore, I did feel I did have some measure of control, as small as it was."
Melanie nodded, taking some notes, and closing her notebook.
"Our time is up, Maura, and I bet you should not be exerting yourself yet. I think we did good progress today, and I have two assignments for you. One is the 'but' you were not ready to talk about yet. I want you to think about it and consider if it has any impacts on the way you felt along this experience and how you are feeling now – I need to know at least how important it is in this context. The other is a scientific analysis – I know the how and why you survived is bothering you. So you need to do some research to try to understand better what happened and how it happened."
Maura nodded. "I can work on that."
"Good. Maura, I know this was a big ordeal. Have you had any panic attacks, or nightmares? Do you need any medication to take the blunt of it off until we can work through it?"
"I don't think so, Melanie. I even flew to here on a plane, and although Jane was concerned before the flight and the entire flight about how I would feel about flying, I was not afraid or panicked or anxious about it. I have been having nightmares… but they have to do with the 'but' I am not ready to talk about yet."
"Wait… Did Jane fly with you? I didn't understand she had been there."
"She went there to take part of the recovery mission. She lives in DC now, but as soon as my father told her about the crash, she decided to join the recovery mission because she didn't believe I had died on the crash."
Melanie reopened her notepad to take a final note, when there was a rap on the door.
Checking the clock on the wall, Maura mentioned.
"The nurse is probably bringing lunch."
"I will open the door on my way out. I will see you Monday next week, but if you need to talk before, please give me a call, Maura."
"I will, thank you again, Melanie."
Melanie walked to the door, unlocking it, and holding it open for the nurse carrying the lunch tray.
