DISCLAIMER:I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.
Please find the full disclaimers in the beginning of Chapter 1.
Chapter 39
"But?"
Jane chuckled.
"What? Isn't there a but?"
"No. I mean… Not exactly a but… There are a few 'and's' that I need to clarify and talk through. If it was not for them, this should have been much easier. I would have read your letter a month ago, and acted on my first impulse of calling you or jumping on a plane and coming here to let you know how I felt..."
"Okay… So why didn't you do that?"
"Because I am terrified, Maura… It was exhilarating, and freeing, and so very hopeful to learn that you felt the same for me that I feel for you… And it also feels terrifying, given my relationship track record. I am terrified that I will hurt you. And that I will lose you. And, as you posed in the letter, the one condition for this all must be that nothing impacts our friendship, because it is also sacred to me. I can live forever being best friends with you. I cannot live at all without being best friends with you." Jane admitted.
"The same is true for me." Maura mused, and paused, provoking Jane to look at her. "Both for my relationship track record and for my fear of hurting our friendship, of hurting or losing you."
They were silent for a while.
"That is why I wanted us to talk…" Jane tried. "Maybe if we can discuss what we are afraid of, we might find some alternatives together… I don't want to settle with the easy path of: oh, we are afraid of hurting and losing each other, let's just leave things as they are. We've done enough of that in the past ten years, it seems."
"I like that idea." Maura smiled gently at Jane. "And, by the way, that is a fabulous start. One of the things that I am afraid of is when you stop talking about what you are feeling – and since I don't read minds, and I am not good at reading non-verbal clues, I feel lost and left out and I shut down on my end. This… This talk… This is huge… Is that something you could… commit to keep trying?"
"It is. And I would need your help to keep me honest, to call my BS if I don't."
Maura nodded.
"I am also terrified that we don't… work… well… together… Like… Hmmm…" Jane said, trying to convey her meaning by her gestures, of two halves of a globe coming together, like she motioned on the Frost's eulogy about parts of him (his aversion to gore) not agreeing with his job in homicide.
"Do you mean sexually?"
Jane snorted, blushing a deep shade of crimson.
"Yes." Jane admitted. "I… I have never been with a woman before. And I… I am not sure if I could… hmmm… make you happy… Also, I know it helps to be direct… and that you appreciate precise vocabulary… But certain words completely kill the mood for me…"
Maura smiled gently at her. "I have never been with a woman before as well Jane. But I have no doubt that if we talk about what are our likes and dislikes, and communicate what we feel and how we feel, we can make that aspect of the relationship work. Even telling me that direct vocabulary is a mood-kill is something I would never know turned you off otherwise."
Jane chuckled, but nodded her okay.
"I… also know, for a fact, that I would never be able to offer you the life you deserve… I am a blue collar from Southie, proudly so. I never felt you looked down on me, on us. But I know your prospects could be much more promising in that front… And it would hurt me deeply if you realized that you could do much better than me after we begin in this path."
"What do you think is the life I deserve, as you put it?" Maura inquired gently.
"Hmmm… you know… the designer clothes and shoes, Michelin starred restaurants and prized wines, cool cars, exotic travels. You deserve all that and so much more, Maura… But that is completely out of my league to offer you, and you know that, there is no point beating around the subject."
"Do you think any of that made me happier, Jane? I always had all of that – I still do – and that does not make my life better or happier. More comfortable, maybe. And a boost to my self-confident powerful façade, true. But the life I wish, the life I think I deserve? It is to come to a place a can call home instead of a house, to people that I can call my family and who love me despite of or because of all my quirks, and with whom I can remove any façade and be just myself. And guess what? You've been already giving me the life I wish and think I deserve since I've met you. I can't do better than you, Jane, because I am totally convinced that you are the best for me. We've met more than eleven years ago. We've been close for almost nine of those. I think we had plenty of time to see the good, the bad and the ugly about each other, don't you?"
Jane smiled lovingly at Maura.
"I think you had the chance to see all of the bad and the ugly in my case. I am terribly moody, and difficult to be around, and hard to love…"
"The one thing that really bothered me was how much you put yourself in harm's way, Jane. Your dedication was commendable, but it came at a cost that sounded almost daredevilish… The maturity you reached on a more normal job does not only placate what was likely to be the biggest of my concerns and source of stress in a relationship with you, it also inspired me to lead a more normal life myself…"
"Me, inspiring you? That is new… Honestly, Maura… You might or not know that, so I would rather say it than assume you know. My mother was right when she said long ago that I didn't have boundaries, that I had ten-foot walls made of steel around me. There were reasons for that, some I might be conscious of, some I probably would need a few years with Dr. Kaplan or Melanie to figure out. But regardless of the reasons, you are the one person with whom there are no walls. And it is not like you demolished them. It is just that I don't feel I need them at all with you. That no matter what you are seeing, you are not going to run to the woods."
"I will not run to the woods." Maura chuckled, looking lovingly at Jane. "That is a promise."
Jane chuckled in response, mirroring Maura's loving look.
Jane stood, grabbing the now empty wine bottle and their glasses and taking them to the kitchen.
It was so homely. And routine. And yet it felt so warm and so right.
"Where does that leave us?" Maura asked, not to Jane or herself, but as if voicing out loud to the universe, as she stood, again smoothing the imaginary creases on the skirt of her dress as she walked towards the kitchen.
"The way I see it… It seems we can agree on some of the conditions that are essential, absolutely necessary, foundational, for both of us…" Jane tried, leaning back against the kitchen counter after she turned on the dishwasher.
"So could we also agree in trying to pursue something else… given those essential foundational conditions remain sacred?" Maura tried, looking expectantly at Jane.
"It depends…" Jane replied, biting her lips inside her mouth.
"On what?" Maura asked, curiously.
"Would you…" Jane inhaled, and looked up. "Gosh, this is harder than I anticipated…" She looked again at Maura. "Would you accept to… be my girlfriend?"
Maura's grin was immediate. "It depends…" Maura replied, with a tinkle on her hazel eyes, moving closer to Jane.
"On what?" Jane inquired, suspicious, squinting her chocolate brown eyes at Maura.
"On you also accepting to be mine." The answer came almost as a purr.
