Pittsburgh, PA – April 2009
"Dad?" Stevie's voice pulls Henry's eyes from the paperwork still laid out in front of him. His daughter walks toward him with Jessica's arm wrapped around her shoulder. He can see the tears on her cheeks. Her shoulders are slumped in a way he hasn't seen since Elizabeth died.
"Stevie, what's wrong?" Henry asks, his pain suddenly not at all important. He is used to this by now—parenting a teenage girl comes with a lot of hurt feelings and tears. But the look in her eyes tells him this isn't a normal teenage meltdown. Stevie climbs onto her dad's lap. He wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head.
"Mom and I have been talking," Stevie starts. Henry looks up at his wife, who is wearing an expression he doesn't recognize. "And she wants to adopt us. She said if something happened to you, she'd like to make sure we could stay with her."
Henry has to swallow the first words that come to his mind. He tries to hide his annoyance with his wife from his daughter. But it isn't easy. He's frustrated, and a little bit hurt that she would do this to him. She went behind his back. She spoke to his daughter. And then, in an instant, he's furious. His anger burns white hot.
"Dad, I want to be adopted." Stevie's words cut through his thoughts. His eyes snap to his daughter's face. Her face is tear-streaked and red. His anger at Jess is forgotten for the moment. His focus is solely on his little girl.
"You want this?" He asks, and Stevie nods her head emphatically. Henry is silent.
"Stevie, I want you to go wait for me upstairs, okay?"
"Dad, please. Please." Stevie says, crying, "I love her."
"Stevie," Henry sighs. He knows her still-developing mind cannot dig into the nuances of the situation. He knows the trauma of losing Elizabeth has clouded her judgment. He also knows her love for her mother has caused her to have an almost pathological need to stay with Jess. But she doesn't understand the weight of the decision. He understands the need to ensure his children have consistency and stability, and he truly believes that with everything he has, Jess gives that to them. But he has reservations about legally removing Elizabeth's name from their existence. He understands the fear Stevie has, but he cannot agree to this. Can he? Should he?
He holds his daughter close and extends his hand to his wife. He'll do anything to make them happy. They are all that matters to him. And if Stevie's happiness lies with Jessica, he'll sign the damn papers.
"Please." Stevie sniffles. She looks between her father and her mother.
"Okay." He whispers, giving in. His voice holds a severe sadness—a sadness his little girl doesn't notice. But his wife does. Her eyes are trained on him. Jessica smiles. She won. He chooses her. She leans down and kisses him. It's a soft kiss filled with love and gratitude. She whispers a thank you against his lips. He nods wordlessly, and his heart sinks.
Los Angeles, CA – May 2009
It's time to leave. It's her last day here. She'd be a liar if she said she wasn't scared. It's easy to stay sober in here. She has no access to drugs. She has a packed, self-healing schedule and endless support.
But the outside world is not like this. The outside world is filled with temptations and memories. Her brain is a traitor. It likes to remind her of what happened. It likes to remind her of how worthless she is. It reminds her of her anger. But mostly, it reminds her of how badly she wants to get high. The closer she gets to freedom, the more she wants the drugs. She knows it will be a slippery slope once she leaves. She will have to work hard to maintain her sobriety. She has to want it and choose it. She has to have complete and total self-control. And that is still hard for her. It's been years since she's made any decisions on her own. The Man has controlled her life. Conrad Dalton has controlled her life. Now, she must learn to control her own.
But she's slowly learning herself again. Her recreation time has been full of yoga workouts and writing. She writes a lot—letters to Henry and the kids. She hasn't written anything that she'll send. Her kids are actually much too young to read most of the things she wrote. So maybe it was a journal more so than letters. Regardless, she's learned a lot about herself in the pages she's written. It's forced her to confront her demons and her trauma. It's helped her process her anger. She is not the woman she was when she was kidnapped. And she has a feeling that she never will be her again. Sometimes, she's grateful for that. It gives her another reason not to go home.
"What are you writing today?" Dr. Sherman's voice interrupts her thoughts.
"A goodbye letter." Elizabeth looks up at her.
"To whom?"
"Henry." She says. She's staying in LA. It wasn't an easy decision, but her list of cons for going to Pittsburgh was much longer than her list of pros. She can't find the strength to fight Conrad. She can't find the strength to lessen her desire for Henry. And she can't be around him. Henry and the redhead have a life together; who is she to ruin it? She can give up her family if it's what's best for them.
"What are you saying in this letter?" Dr. Sherman pulls the chair closer to her.
"I'm thanking him for our beautiful children, and I'm telling him that he is not responsible for my choices. That I will always love him..." She trails off. She's gotten used to talking to Kensie about her innermost feelings, but some things belong to her and Henry alone. And thanking him for their years together- for every single moment she felt loved and happy and safe—that is just too private.
"Is he ever going to see it?" Kensi asks. She knows the answer, but she wants to hear it.
"No. What would be the point? I don't want him to know that I'm alive. He deserves his happy ending." A sad smile adorns Elizabeth's face. Whether she's right or wrong, this is the decision she has made. She knows the person she was before Iraq will never exist again. It's a part of her life she doesn't want her children or Henry to see. Her new life begins tomorrow, and it's not going to include them.
"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" Kensie changes the subject.
"A little," Elizabeth admits. She's not afraid of the unknown, though. It's a welcome change from the past five years. She doesn't have a plan. There's no mission, no objective. She can rebuild and become someone new. She can reinvent herself, and she likes the thought of that.
"It's normal to be nervous," Dr. Sherman assures her. "You've had a stable environment here. Leaving here will be harder than you think. But you are prepared. You've got an outpatient therapy appointment on Thursday." Kensie reminds her. She rarely continues seeing patients after leaving here, but for Elizabeth she's willing to make an exception.
"I'll be there," Elizabeth promises.
"You're stronger than you think," Dr. Sherman encourages her. "You have come a long way in the last few months. You've done the work. You're ready."
"Thanks," Elizabeth whispers. She appreciates her words, even if she doesn't believe them.
...X...X...X...
"Hey, Kiddo." George smiles as he knocks on her open door. When she turns to look at him, there is a smile on her face. A genuine Bess McCord smile. He's missed that. She looks more like herself than she has since before deploying. It's almost startling to see her face filled out and not sunken in. To see the subtle glint in her eyes that vaguely resembles happiness.
"Hi," She says. She pulls her only friend into a hug. He holds her tight. He's seen her at her lowest. He's seen her so depressed that she couldn't get out of bed. He's seen her cry in pain. And he's seen her break.
"I'm proud of you," He says.
She laughs. The first real laugh he's heard from her. He pulls away and studies her. It's not a joyless, bitter, or sarcastic laugh. It was a real laugh. There are so many things he wants to say, but none of them are appropriate. So he settles on, "Ready to go home?"
"Home." Elizabeth sighs. She knows what he's implying. He wants her to get up and fight. "No, I'm staying in LA."
"Bess, no," He pleads. This is not how this was supposed to go. He thought he was taking her home, back to the people that loved her.
"Yes. It's the way it needs to be right now." She says. And it's not untrue. She has a therapist she trusts here. She can build a life here. Lisa Aldin can make something of herself here.
"Bess, you belong at home with your family."
"I'm not the same person, George." She says. "I don't have the strength to fight him. I need you to be okay with this," she whispers with tears on the edge of her voice.
"I'll try."
"Thank you," she says and takes his hand in hers.
"Let's get you the hell out of here," George says, trying to lighten the mood.
...X...X...X...
They stop at the beach. Elizabeth looks out on the water and remembers how it felt when she wanted it to swallow her. The urge is not gone, not completely. But the beauty of the warm sun over the water, making it shine hot white, reminds her of life's natural beauty. She thinks about Henry and their children. She knows they're okay. She can feel it in her bones- in her soul.
As she stands on the beach, with the warm wind whipping her hair around her face, she feels the smallest inkling of hope.
Pittsburgh, PA – May 2009
Henry feels defeated. He hasn't felt like this since Elizabeth died. He figures he and Jess are officially out of their Honeymoon phase. He thought he had figured out how to navigate his life. He thought he had found a new partner that he could lean on. But the woman he loves has put him in the position to choose her above all else. And it's not fair. He was not aware before that night that there was a battle between his wives: the living and the dead. And now, he's in this courtroom—a place he doesn't feel good about being in- for a reason he doesn't totally agree with. Jessica wanted the adoption, and Henry wanted to make his kids happy. But now, here he is, feeling guilty about something he never anticipated.
His hand rests in Jessica's and the other is holding Jason's as they stand at the head of the courtroom. This is his family. It's a beautiful, loving family. But he feels his heart ache with guilt. He doesn't hear much of the hearing. He did listen as his three oldest children confirmed their want of Jessica's adoption.
And then, "Dr. McCord, do you believe it would be in the best interest of your children for your wife to adopt them?"
He hesitates for a moment, and he feels Jess squeeze his hand. He knows the answer that he is expected to give. But he is torn. Elizabeth is still their mother.
"Yes," He says. He wants to vomit. He wants to hit his knees and beg for forgiveness from a woman who can never give it. Instead, he stands stoically, feigning complete happiness.
"Well, the Court has heard testimony from your children. We have heard from your wife. And we have heard from your friends and family. And I have no issues in granting these adoptions. Congratulations, Dr. and Mrs. McCord. Your family is complete."
The gavel falls, and he feels a sense of dread. He did it. He changed his children. He has changed their identities. Elizabeth is gone- really gone. He watches Jess hug his smiling and excited children. He should be happy. He should be celebrating. Instead, he wants to crawl into bed and not get out for days.
He looks at his father, who is surprisingly wearing a frown. His eyes meet Henry's, and he raises an eyebrow.
"What did you do, son?" Patrick asks rhetorically as he shakes his head. He has a sense of foreboding. There is an understanding between the McCord men at this moment. Elizabeth deserved better. And Jessica isn't the person either of them thought she was.
This concludes Part One.
There will be immediate levity in Part Two.
