She hated keeping this from Jack, but on some level, Lisa needed time space to prepare for the inevitable. Marion had finally left once Lisa had stopped crying, sure that no more tears could possibly come. Lisa had then just rested at the house, reflecting on the mess and what was to come. It was hard to relax, impossible almost, but she wanted that quiet, alone time before heading back to the ranch. She'd made her appointment, but it was three days away, which yes, she was grateful they could get her in that quickly, but three days felt like an eternity. The receptionist scheduling her appointment had been very kind and understanding, something probably necessary at an OB's office with the sensitive nature of things, telling Lisa that if she did start to experience the miscarriage before her appointment, to call back, and they would get her in immediately. Since she wasn't yet, they wanted to schedule her in more of a non-imminent emergency situation. Still, it would be a long wait, and she would have to throw herself into work, which also meant avoiding Jack. She really hated that and couldn't explain how she was feeling about this all now keeping him out of the loop, but she'd tell him when she had more information. Yes, if something started to go wrong before her appointment, she had decided she would tell him, but for now, she needed this for herself. It was almost as if she knew she had to start the grieving process now.
Pulling into Heartland much later than she'd told Marion, Lisa got out of the car and took a deep breath. She hadn't stopped much this summer to just enjoy the gorgeous summer evenings, certainly she hadn't done that in France. She'd been too busy. Was it now just 24 hours she had been home? With this mess, it felt much longer, but she stood there at her car with the door open and just looked around, taking in the incredible views Heartland offered, wishing that her mind wasn't off thinking about the days and weeks to come.
"There she is, finally home," she heard and turned to see Jack step out of the house. He put on his hat, his trademark move, and he started down the steps, Lisa tilting her head and giving him a soft smile. She could see his arthritis was bothering him, a full day in the saddle, and even before she'd arrived yesterday, he'd told her that he'd ridden the back field all morning. Jack walked up to her, and Lisa closed her door and stepped into his embrace, only then realizing how much she needed him to hold her.
"It's good to see you," she said into his chest as she held onto him tightly.
"Yeah, you too, my dear. I was surprised to hear from Marion you'd gone to Fairfield all day. How are you feeling?" Jack pulled back only to look at her, and she feared he could see the red eyes and puffiness she hoped wasn't still visible. She'd checked and rechecked, had even redone her makeup, but deep down, she still felt that raw emotion as she stood there in his arms. Jack brushed hair from her face and spoke softly to her, "You're still pale."
She nodded, pursing her lips, "I'll be okay. Still don't have much of an appetite, but I'm getting there. That ahh, food poisoning," she told him, almost choking out the word because now she wasn't sure what it was-food poisoning possibly but sickness from this pregnancy-maybe. Yesterday had been the first and only time she'd felt that sick to her stomach and still had a little queasiness, but she really did believe it had come from her airline meal. "It's not fun. I've eaten a little today, but things are still bothering me."
"Yeah?" Jack asked, nodding as he listened to her. "Well, with your coloring still off, I guess it's expected you aren't feeling the best. You were sleeping hard when I left this morning. Did you get any rest? I'm guessing not if you worked all day at Fairfield."
"Ahh, a little," she admitted, and she had. She didn't mention the nap she'd been horrified to find out she'd had, one that she apparently needed desperately. "I'm still really tired."
"Well, let's get you inside off your feet," Jack gestured to the house. Before they stepped toward it, Lisa tugged at his joined hand, which had Jack turn, and she leaned up and kissed him, realizing mid-kiss how much she needed that, she needed his closeness.
"I missed you," she told him, squeezing his hand. Jack leaned in and kissed her again, his kiss much longer and lingering than hers had been, not that she minded or was complaining. He smiled warmly at her as they broke apart, and she patted his chest. Oh, she hated this. Jack was such a good man, and she knew he loved her dearly, but she hated this especially since they'd had this discussion, and she really believed from what she'd been told this couldn't and wouldn't be a possibility at all, ever.
Lisa snapped out of it, missing something Jack said to her, but from his chuckle, it was nothing important. She smiled, and the two walked, arms around each other to the steps. Once they were inside, Jack took her purse and hung it up for her as Lisa stepped into the kitchen.
"Hey, Lisa, long day?" Marion asked from the stove area. The two had talked about this evening, and Marion had promised she would not mention anything, including coming over to Fairfield. They agreed it was best to pretend this was the first they were seeing each other since the morning.
"Hi, Marion, yes," Lisa sighed, sinking into the chair at the table, "long day."
"Something to drink, Lise?" Jack asked as he stepped around her toward the sink. Marion was pulling out the barbecue she and Lisa had talked about having for dinner, barbecue from a local place where they could just have meat on a bun at home. Lisa could see it warming in the oven. She turned to Jack to answer him, but he spoke again first, holding up the bottle of wine. "How about a nice glass of wine to relax you after a long day? Who knows-might settle your stomach."
Lisa tried not to react to Marion, standing behind Jack whose eyes widened at the mention of wine. Lisa looked from Marion to Jack, and as much as she hated to say no because one thing they did love doing together was sharing fine wine on the porch these summer evenings, she frowned at Jack and shook her head, knowing it was definitely not something she could enjoy right now.
"I'm sorry, Jack. That's not sounding the best right now-"
"Lisa, I'm making tea for myself," Marion interrupted before Jack could suggest something else like coffee. She'd been incredibly sensitive to coffee all day really and definitely could not stomach that either.
"Actually, Marion," Lisa turned to her, "tea sounds perfect."
Jack stepped over to her and put his arm around the back of her chair and spoke to her as she sat, "I hate saying it, Lise, but you really aren't looking so hot yet, and I've never known you to turn down a glass of wine. I'm sorry you have such a bad case of food poisoning. I was going to see if you were up for a ride tomorrow, you know, especially since you have been gone and Duke out there misses you."
At the mention of another thing she truly should not and could not do right now with her situation, Lisa caught Marion's eye out of the corner of her own, Marion's wide-eyed look at Lisa, as if Lisa needed a reminder she couldn't ride at the moment.
"Dad, I had Sorayah ride Duke this morning, knowing Lisa has been under the weather, so he's not chomping at the bit to get out there again. She's still looking rough," she nodded sympathetically at Lisa. "I'm not sure jostling her around on Duke is the best idea. Maybe wait a couple days?"
Jack listened to Marion and nodded, glancing back to Lisa. She reached up and put her hand on his, nodding, "I'm sorry, Honey. I wish I was ready to ride, but yes, I think I need a few days to get things straightened out."
"I understand," he said, squeezing her hand as he gave her another soft smile. "I've just missed you, Duke has too, and I know how much we both enjoy the summer evening rides. Of course, though, I want you feeling better first."
As Marion stirred the barbecue they were going to have for dinner, the pulled pork for sandwiches, Lisa got a whiff of it and tried to hold back a gag. Jack saw her, and he narrowed his gaze, definitely concerned about her.
"Lise, you okay?"
"Fine," Lisa said, as she stood up and waved her hand. At that, Marion looked up from stirring and caught Lisa's eye. It must have bene obvious to them she looked terrible and probably pale again because she scrunched up her face and frowned sympathetically at Lisa. "I'm ahh, going to freshen up. I'm not sure I'm hungry yet, sorry. I'm just-"
"Hey," Jack stepped over to her and put his arm around her shoulder as he looked down at her. "It's okay. We all get sick. We've all been exactly where you are, and I know I can relate to feeling exactly the same-"
"Can you, Dad?" Marion asked, and both Jack and Lisa looked at Marion. Lisa's eyes widened, knowing that Jack was trying to be sympathetic, and with Marion knowing much more, she was worried something would come out. "Really? You've felt exactly like Lisa? I doubt it."
Jack frowned and looked at Lisa while Marion smirked from where she was standing, but then, Jack looked back at Marion, "Well, yeah, I've had pretty bad food poisoning myself, once on a trip up to the cabin with my dad."
"Oh, right, sorry," Marion waved, turning back to her dinner preparations. Jack looked at Lisa again.
"Lise, you really feel awful, still. You overdid it today. You should rest tomorrow."
"No, I'll be fine," she shook her head as she patted his chest. "I'm sorry I'm not much company for dinner, but I think I'll just get a hot shower and maybe head to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day, hmm?"
"I'll bring you your tea when you are out of the shower," he told her, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "I'm worried about you."
"My own doing," she said with a sad shrug, stepping away, and as she did, Marion looked at her, mouth open, almost a horrified look that Lisa would suggest it was her own doing. Lisa looked away, not wanting to get any additional comments from Marion but also yes, wanting to take all of the responsibility because she'd been told and promised Jack that pregnancy wasn't an option. Knowing what the next couple of weeks would bring, she did think it was her doing and just needed time to process and figure out how she would tell her loving husband. Yes, she needed this time to grieve and was already starting to work through the motions.
Marion caught Jack's attention once Lisa had closed the door to the bathroom and started the shower.
"Dad," and with that, Jack looked at her there working, making sure the barbeque was properly coated with sauce. "I think you and I should just eat now. I have this and some green beans on. Amy won't be home until later, and Lisa needs you. I think you should sit with her while she falls asleep. She looks terrible.
Jack nodded as Marion spoke, "I think you're right. I'm concerned about her. She's really been overdoing it. I'm sure a few good nights of sleep here will fix everything. She slept well last night, out cold. Normally, she wakes and moves around when I get up-"
Marion held up her hand and frowned, "Don't need to know what goes on in your early mornings-"
"Oh, stop, Marion," Jack sighed, shaking his head. "I should be the one saying that about you and Tim, like I'm not aware you two are well," he frowned again, "let's not discuss that, but the absurdity of you thinking me-I mean," he paused and dropped his voice. "I'm old."
Marion didn't realize she'd snorted until she caught Jack staring at her. She rolled her eyes, "I'm not a kid, Dad. I know you and your bride haven't been married that long. Don't give the 'I'm old' comment, please," she said, looking away as she felt her face heat up. Jack moved around, getting the plates out, and as he did, Marion couldn't help but study her dad a little. It wasn't if he was any mystery to her; she'd lived with him practically her entire life. Her dad was in good shape for his age, despite the many broken bones he'd had as a rodeo cowboy. While the thought of anyone looking at him in a sexual way made her want to gag and turn green as Lisa had been all day, she could sort of see it, at least as one could see about her own father. Lisa loved him for who he was, but she also knew that Lisa found him quite attractive. She'd said so, and Marion could sort of see that now. As she studied him, though, it killed her knowing a secret that he really should know, but she would not betray her friendship like that. It really wasn't her place to say, and it would destroy the friendship and the family relationship she and Lisa had. While she hated to be placed in this spot, she also felt relieved to know the source of Lisa's issues, even if it meant a lot of grief coming. She'd been serious when she had told Lisa she couldn't lose her, and this was not a terminal illness for Lisa. She hated that Lisa would relive whatever trauma she had from previous miscarriages and vowed to just be there for her over the next few weeks.
"Marion," Jack called to her, and Marion looked to see that Jack had sat down at the small kitchen table. She joined him, and he commented further, "You seem a million miles away."
"Sorry, Dad," she said with a small smile as she sat down. "Let's eat so you can check on Lisa."
Dinner was short, but they managed some small talk as they ate. Marion volunteered to clean up, and even though Jack tried to argue she'd prepared dinner, Lisa finished with her shower about the same time, so Marion nudged him in her direction. She watched the pair of them, Lisa giving Jack a small smile as she saw him walking him toward her and their room. Marion shook her head and just watched before she tackled the dishes. Oh, how her mom wouldn't believe all of this, how unless she watched them together, Marion wouldn't believe it either maybe. She'd noticed it right away, the spark the two had just in each other's presence, and now, as Lisa leaned up and kissed her dad before they stepped into their room, she nodded-they indeed loved each other so much.
Now that Lisa was out of the shower, she moved around the room, putting away her things for the evening. She'd hoped the shower would have alleviated her nausea, but it hadn't, and the idea of barbecue about made her vomit right there. She turned and saw Jack still in the doorway, watching her, and she paused in her movement at the dresser and shook her head at him.
"What?" She softly smiled at him, and normally, Jack standing there looking at her like he was with that sparkle in his eye would about melt her and have her thinking of enjoyable ways they could spend time together. Right now, all she wanted was to climb into bed and sleep through all of this until it was over.
"Just worried about you while at the same time thinking about how beautiful you are."
She narrowed her gaze at him, a smirk on her face as she wanted to enjoy his company even if her whole world was crashing down, "You're a terrible liar, the beautiful part. You've pointed out a few times how pale I look, not that I'm disagreeing, but that's hardly beautiful."
He gave his head a single shake as he answered, "You can still be beautiful when you don't feel well. Oh, I have your tea. Would you like to sit on the porch or in here?"
"I think I'd really rather just climb in bed. I don't mean to keep you. You don't have to worry about me this evening."
"What do you mean? What else do I have to do?" Jack asked, still leaning against the doorway. "I just want to be with you, Lise, even if you aren't feeling well, especially if you aren't feeling well. I would do anything to trade places with you, have me be the one who is under the weather."
"Thank you," she said with a soft smile and nod. "That is very sweet, but I'll be okay, just exhausted and hoping this food poisoning is completely out of my system by morning. It's just been a lot getting home-swamped at work and all. I, ahh, need to get over there bright and early tomorrow."
"Lise," he frowned and sighed, "I think you should rest, really."
"Jack," she sighed, shaking her head, "I have a business to run. I need to be at work. I check on my horses and then work on the mounds of paperwork I have. I need the distraction," she said without realizing that even came out. She could see Jack eyeing her with a tilted head, and before she could cover that, he spoke.
"Why do you need the distraction?"
"Just, just, I don't do well being sick. Work helps me not focus on feeling poorly. I'm one to talk," she said, pointing at him, knowing she needed to shift the focus. "I recall you having that horrible cold after we got married and you were back here from France. I'd talk to you on the phone, and you could barely talk, your throat was so sore, yet you were telling me about doing all the chores, shining saddles-"
"I had work that had to be done."
"Exactly," she crossed her arms, facing him. "That's exactly my situation too." At that, Jack dropped it, and Lisa waved toward the bed. "I'm going to get some rest."
"Let me get your tea," he told her and before she could respond, he disappeared, but reappeared quickly, as Marion had it ready for him. Lisa had made a quick movement to get into bed, and she looked up at Jack's quick return.
"Thanks, Jack," she said to him as he walked around and put it on her nightstand. He squeezed her arm before he started back around the bed. "Please, don't worry about me."
Jack sat down on his side of the bed and shifted to stretch out. Lisa eyed him, and Jack gestured at her, "If it's okay with you, I'd like to just be here with you, even if that doesn't make you feel any better."
She had been on her side, facing her nightstand but turned as Jack stretched out on his side, "You don't have to stay, Jack. I'll probably fall right asleep."
"Well," he leaned over and kissed her sweetly, "then we both will because I'm pretty tired too. Come here," he waved, opening his arms so she could snuggle up against him. Lisa smiled sweetly and moved quickly into the arms of the man she loved more and more each day. How in the world she'd tell him about the mess they were about to face, she didn't know, but for tonight, she felt safe and comforted by him without him even knowing how much he was helping her.
The next three mornings were almost a mirror image of each other, Lisa incredibly glad that Jack had early morning chores. On each occasion, shortly after Jack left for the barn and much earlier than she normally got up, she went sprinting to the bathroom, sure that she would throw up the little food she had on her stomach, but each day, she didn't. She was incredibly nauseous, but a hot shower helped to soothe her. She had barely eaten over the last several days, something Jack had noticed, and she knew he was starting to get worried.
"Lise, this seems out of the ordinary, even for food poisoning. I think you should see your doctor," he had told her late last night when she'd been on repeat in the evenings too, barely, if at all, eating, and going straight to bed. She could barely keep her eyes open, and last night, he'd followed her into the room again, as he'd done each night.
"Jack, I'm fine, really."
"You're not fine. This is crazy, Lisa! You need to get to the bottom of things."
"Look, Jack," she frowned. "I promise you, if I'm not back to normal beginning of next week, I'll see a doctor, but just," she paused, sighing, "let this play out."
He pointed to her and narrowed his gaze, "I'm holding you to that, Stillman, even with as much as I hate going to the doctor. I'll drag you there if you aren't better, and we will get to the bottom of this."
Now, today, the day had come. She had her appointment this afternoon, and quite frankly, even this morning again, she was trying to get out of the house before she saw anyone. She'd barely been home, on purpose, the last several days, basically falling into bed upon arrival, and then leaving before Jack and Marion were back from chores. She knew she was avoiding both of them, and she knew Marion was aware of it too. Right now, she just couldn't talk to anyone. Even at work, yes, she managed to take care of business and talk to her staff, but behind closed doors, she sat. Her mind wandered, and she cried a lot, cried thinking about the disaster that was about to descend on their lives. She felt sick in all ways, exhausted beyond belief, and an emotional mess with this upcoming appointment. Even twinge she felt, she waited, expecting the horror to start. She was hypersensitive about every move, every hungry grumble of her stomach, even if she couldn't stomach eating anything.
Once again, for the third day, she managed to get out of the house without talking to Jack or Marion. Poor Amy, too-she felt badly not seeing her in the mornings, as even with the summer, that could be their special time, but right now, she couldn't focus on anything until she knew when this whole mess was going to spiral. She couldn't even say pregnancy or think it because she knew what the outcome would be-the same as she'd had to suffer two other times, Lisa frustrated things had even managed to get to this point. On top of finding out the timing of things today, as to when to expect this miscarriage to happen, she also apparently needed to speak to her doctor about making sure that this nightmare didn't happen again because, even though her doctor years and years ago had said it would never happen again, here she was dealing with this sad, sad state.
Lisa kept busy at work, wanting more than anything right now to go home, tack up Duke and take a ride, which normally would be a way to clear her head, but she couldn't' do that. Her vet made an unexpected stop, and that did manage to distract her for over an hour, so when she glanced at her watch and saw the time, she excused herself, realizing she needed to get going to her dreaded appointment. She walked into her office and stopped dead in her tracks.
"I'm not letting you go alone, even if I stay in the truck," Marion sat there on the front of her desk, waiting for her. "I'm driving. You're not in any state to be driving, and if you argue you are fine, I'm telling you that this appointment is going to be awful. I know that, and I can be there to drive you home."
Lisa dropped her head and started to cry right there, nodding, "I didn't know how much I needed to hear that until you said it." Marion stepped toward her and pulled her into an embrace.
"That's what friends," and she pulled back to meet her gaze, "and family are for. While I wish you would have told Dad, I am trying to understand and be supportive. I'm driving, and I'll wait to bring you home. We can go from there but promise me that you will tell Dad after you have all the information."
"I will," she said quickly, clasping Marion's hand in hers. "I just need the facts, the ahh, finality," she said with a nod. "I need to know what and when to expect this all to destroy me and with that, I can and will tell Jack."
"Let's go," Marion held Lisa's hand in hers. "I'm in this with you, but remember," she said pausing their movement and pointing at her with a tight, sad smile, "I have no father as long as we're discussing all of this," she waved her hand at Lisa. That had Lisa let out a laugh as she tried to choke back more tears.
"Okay, I can respect that."
The drive to Calgary was quiet, with neither one wanting to talk or having anything to say. The radio was just an annoyance, so Marion turned it off, both preferring the silence. Lisa had programmed in the directions, and throughout the drive, that was the only sound either heard.
"So, I'm going to drop you off and wait in the parking lot, unless you want me to come in with you?"
"No," Lisa, who had been looking out the window at nothing, turned to her, "thanks, but I'm going in alone. I need to do that."
"I'll wait, however long it takes. Amy and Sorayah are off on a ride. Tim was going to keep an eye out for them, and if you can believe it, he and Dad are repairing the fence line that Big River and Heartland share. I told Tim and Dad I had a client to check on in Calgary, so you're my client for the day, but I only accept payments in the form of pie. You make the best, whenever you are feeling up to it again, deal?"
"Deal," Lisa offered a sad smile as she nodded. She shook her head, "I feel awful for not really asking Jack about much these last few days. It sounds like there have been a lot of fencing issues."
"Typical all summer, but yes, this week a lot. He's really worried about you, and don't think I haven't caught onto your disappearing act in the morning. You haven't had to hide from me."
"Just easier," she sighed and shook her head, looking down at her lap. "Each morning, I've just felt awful, physically awful," she admitted. "Still do. Exhausted, just overwhelmed with what is to come. I suppose I just need to hear it for certain, the finality. It will be a bridge to cross, to get through this, to grieve, to heal, to just, ahh, start feeling better too, physically. The emotional healing will be the worst. This has brought up a lot for me, things I didn't think I'd have to deal with ever again.
"I'm so sorry, Lisa," Marion reached over to grip her hand. "I'm awfully glad I can be here for you even if I had to fight my way to it. Told you that stepdaughters could be trouble." She grinned at Lisa, and the two squeezed hands before Lisa put hers in her lap again, Marion making the final turn to the office. Lisa took a deep breath as Marion pulled up and looked over at her.
"Thanks, Marion. I'll be, well," she frowned, "I'm not sure how long I will be. I've just come to realize, it is what it is, and I can't change things. It's horrifying to realize how little control or say I have, but thank you for being so great and supportive. I appreciate it and feel badly you are spending the day here."
"I don't care and have nothing else scheduled." She shuffled things in her bag and pulled out a book. "Not sure how much reading I will get done, but you know where to find me. You call me if you need me to come in, anything at all. I'm there for you, just remember, I have no father," she said winking at Lisa. Lisa nodded back at her, biting her lip, opened the door, stepped out, and took a long, deep breath before she walked toward the building.
