Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist

Chapter 8: Far Away, A Better Place

"I'm not coming," Asuka repeated. Her tears were obvious in her quivering voice, even if she were thousands of miles away.

"Why? What happened?" is all Shinji could muster, his heart pounding anxiously. Subconsciously, his mind tried to use the impersonal, digital nature of her voice to pretend it wasn't her, make believe it was a dream, even wish it was a prank, but deep down he knew. It explained her recent behavior too well to not be true.

The other end of the phone was silent, the only sound emitting from the phone's earpiece was a soft smacking of lips, as if the speaker were trying to begin but just couldn't. Time stood still for as long as it needed to, it seemed. Shock and disbelief weighed heavily on Shinji's heart.

"Asuka..."

"I wasn't accepted," she blurted out.

Even more shock and disbelief, "What? How? You told us all-"

"I know. I lied," her voice dry and strained. The anguish was nearly pouring out of the device in Shinji's hand.

"You- you lied?" Shinji's head began to ache, anger swelling in his chest.

"Yes..." The word was quiet, almost inaudible. She was surrendering to him, and the word was a white flag. However the gesture was meaningless, as Shinji was unable to simply accept it.

"Why would you lie?! To me?! To everyone?!"

The roar had clearly broken the dam on the other side of the world, and Asuka's once stifled sobs were no longer contained. Shinji hadn't meant to come across as harshly as he did, however the suddenness of her departure combined with her revealed deceit embittered him.

"I don't know. I thought it was a mistake, I know I did well!" she pleaded between sobs. "I didn't think it would get to this point..."

"Asuka..."

"Wait! Please, please let me explain."

"Asuka, I-"

"Shinji, please. Please..."

He remained silent on the line. He wouldn't acknowledge that he was still there, but he wouldn't hang up. Maybe there was hope after all. Maybe she had a valid explanation for the deception. His first reaction was to shout at the girl, but that got him nowhere useful, so this time he decided to listen instead.

"I- Shinji, you haven't hung up, so I'm just going to start from the top..." Asuka took a deep breath and began.

"I haven't been entirely honest from the beginning: I didn't apply to Myojo because it was the best. Hell, Japan was the last place in the world I wanted to go to school. After what happened to Mama, I had a hard time relating to anything Japanese. It was too hard: even the language reminded me of the times she would speak it to us..."

Asuka's words dripped with remorse, and Shinji wished for nothing more than to reach out to her and console the girl, but he knew it was best to hear it all out before deciding anything.

"Kaworu signed us up. He promised he'd be there, and we could start over. And considering how messed up our relationship had become after Mama's accident, I agreed.

"Even when he got sick, though, he swore he'd survive and we'd go together. I held on to that promise, even through his funeral. I was so angry at him, especially after I discovered he signed me and me alone up for the exam: Kaworu knew he wasn't going to make it.

"I wasn't expecting to meet anyone, not even friends. I wanted to come in, pass the exam, get accepted, and then go somewhere different. I'd fulfill my promise, but still not be reminded of both relatives I can no longer speak to.

"But I met you. And Hikari. And Mana, Musashi, and Keita. And it was nice, but not enough to change my mind. But I got to know you, and then all this with the SDAT, and I got scared, and I tried to run from it. But apparently the weather had better ideas because I ended up back at the Academy and before I knew it we were becoming friends, and dancing together, and I started to f-" Asuka coughed uncomfortably for a moment.

After a few breaths, she continued, her voice quieting through the emotionally taxing story, "None of this was supposed to happen, Shinji. When I got my failed score, I was devastated. It couldn't be true, I know I did great on the test. So... I lied to you all. And I'm sorry.

"I couldn't go back home, especially after failing the test. I was already afraid of telling my father, and I really, really wanted to spend more time with you. Not just because of this thing, but because I genuinely like you..."

Shinji finally spoke up after a pause on her end, recalling their dinner conversation on Mt. Fuji, "Your last secret, then..."

"Yes. My last secret was that I didn't get accepted."

"And that's why you said we were running out of time."

"Yes. Because I was running out of time..."

Shinji fell silent again, his mind racing but unsure of what to say next. Instead, he simply opted for, "I have to go."

"Shinji, please," she begged through the phone, "please don't go."

"I'll talk to you later."

And the call was over. Shinji didn't know how long he stood there, staring at nothing but the corner of the room. He didn't know anything anymore, it seemed.

As he gently set the phone down on the receiver, Yui walked up behind him and placed a hand on his back.

"I'm sorry, Shinji, I wasn't trying to listen in, I just overheard."

Shinji sighed, wiping his eyes with his forearm, "It's nothing," he tried to lie.

"It's not nothing," his mother ignored his deflection. "If it's important to you, then it's important to me."

He remained silent. Asuka was important to him, as well as Myojo Academy, but it was the violation of his trust that affected him the most. Despite Rei's promises to survive the disease ravaging her body, her inability to do so had saddened the boy. It may not have been the most honest promise she could make, but Shinji had hoped the cancerous cells would respect the promise nonetheless.

How naïve, he'd scolded himself a thousand times before.

Slowly, Shinji found himself turning towards his mother as she wrapped her arms around him. He tried to return the embrace, but found himself disgusted by the empty gesture: Yui was comforting him because she was there, now. But where had she been in the dozens of times Shinji found himself alone after his sister passed and his father left them?

"Did she break up with you?" Yui asked softly, her lips pressed against her son's hair.

Shinji's body ran cold at the thought and he simply shook his head.

I don't want that.

"No..."


"Hey, Shinji, hey buddy, how are you? How's everything going?" Hikari entered Shinji's bedroom after a light rap on the doorframe. Her hands were hidden behind her back, and a nervous smile sat on her face.

"Uhh, hi Hikari. I'm fine. How are you?" Shinji responded curiously.

"Good, good. Good. Uhh," his neighbor turned awkwardly in his room, "yeah, umm, have you checked the mail today?"

Shinji thought for a moment before shaking his head. "Why?"

Hikari sighed and sat on his bed, still nervous, "The course materials for Myojo came in."

"Oh," he replied, dejected. Shinji had completely forgotten about the school after his last conversation with Asuka. It had been two weeks since they spoke, and he'd spent no time preparing for his impending move to Tokyo.

Hikari pulled what looked like a magazine from behind her back and held it nervously in front of her, "So, you haven't seen it, then?"

His best friend wore her emotions on her sleeve, so the nervous energy emitting from her was quite obvious. Shinji cocked his head questioningly and responded, "No, why...?"

She presented the large, color printed gloss catalog. It was a decently thick book, outlining everything new students and their parents would want to know about the upcoming school year. Very modern, but befitting such a prestigious school.

Hikari had a couple printed pages tucked behind it and pulled them around front, "It looks like we're in the same class. So are Toji, Mana, Keita, and Musashi: no sign of Asuka, though."

Shinji flinched at the thought, he realized he hadn't explained the situation to her yet.

"Our homeroom teacher is 'Yuri Kano'," she read. "'Class 1-B'."

"Okay."

"But that's not the part I wanted to talk to you about."

Silence.

"Your father..."

Another flinch, this time much deeper. That was not a topic he had prepared himself for, and he grew increasingly worried at the need for such a strange transition in conversation.

Unless...

"... does anyone know what ended up happening with him?"

"No," Shinji shook his head. "And I don't particularly care."

"Okay..." Hikari sighed; she was avoiding something. "Does the name 'Ayanami' mean anything to you?"

... Oh no...

A third flinch, this one the most physical; it was as if a bolt of lightning were shot through his spine. His eyes widened quickly enough that his vision blurred momentarily, and he had to shake his head to refocus. Heart pounding in his chest, every name Hikari read down the list of course instructors increased the anxiety ten-fold. Shinji knew what was to come.

"'Science: Ayanami Gendo.'"

No...

She then flipped through the catalog to the Faculty page and presented it to Shinji, "He changed his last name and shaved, but I feel like I've been around long enough to know those eyes and that face."

Horrified, Shinji picked up the catalog and made eye contact with his father's portrait. Cold and unsmiling, the now clean-shaven man was still unmistakable. The piercing, empty gaze was the same as he remembered: where there was once an understated expression of happiness, there was naught but an all consuming void since Rei's passing.

"That has to be him, right? It's uncanny if it's not."

Shinji's eyes remained locked on the picture's, "It is. That's... my father..."

"I don't get why he changed his last name, though," Hikari said. "Where did 'Ayanami' come from?"

The boy remained silent. He knew the answer, but was still unsure of how much to divulge to his best friend. He ignored the comment while staring at the image, trying to burn a hole in the page through sheer will alone.

A quiet rage was building inside him: he hadn't seen his father in half a year, and now he turns up in Tokyo, at Myojo Academy of all places? It couldn't be coincidence, he must know what he's doing. First Rei, then Asuka, and now Father? It's like Myojo is trying-

"We have to tell your mother," Hikari stood up quickly and left the room, interrupting his thought.

"Hikari, wait-" Shinji started, but it was too late. Not that it mattered, he had already made up his mind. Sighing, he stood up and followed his best friend out into the living room. It didn't matter any more. None of this did.

"Mrs. Ikari," Hikari started, not waiting for her full attention. She dropped the open catalog in front of the older woman who turned to the young girl.

"Hello Hikari, what can I do for you?" Yui asked with slight annoyance.

"You need to see this," the teen stated, jabbing her finger at the page in the catalog.

Yui's expression turned from curiosity to annoyance, and then quickly grew to anger: "That son of a bitch!"

Shinji stopped in his tracks, watching Hikari back away slightly from the now standing woman, equally surprised by the outburst.

"He disappears for six months and then reappears at Myojo of all places? Using her name?! How dare he?!"

Confused by the last lines, Hikari turned to Shinji and asked, quietly, "Whose name is he using?"

After a few more coarse words, Yui eventually calmed down and sat back down at the table, her hands still clenched tightly, whiting from the pressure, "When Rei was... ill, she was supposed to participate in an experimental drug trial. She was given a pseudonym for the case study."

"I didn't know she had some procedure. Did it work?" Hikari asked before quickly covering her mouth, ashamed of her obvious question. "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry..."

Yui shook her head, the faintest of tears forming in the corners of her aging eyes, "She never got to try it. There was a delay in the testing, and by the time it was ready, she was unable to travel..."

The young girl gently touched the older woman's back, reassuring her as best as possible. "I'm so sorry."

Yui thanked Hikari before changing topics, reaching out for her phone, "I'm calling the school. That man is hardly qualified to teach, and once they hear about his so-called 'science', they'll-"

"Don't bother."

Shinji's words surprised both women in the room, his mother's hand freezing in place.

"What?"

"I'm not going."

"Shinji," Hikari turned back to her best friend in disbelief.

"Don't try to change my mind."

"Why wouldn't you want to go?"

"Hikari's right, why don't you want to go?" asked his mother.

"And what about Asuka?"

Shinji flinched again at the name, "She wasn't accepted. So it doesn't matter."

"Wait, what?"

"Oh Shinji," this time it was his mother trying to console him, "That explains-"

But he interrupted her, "I'm not going to Myojo. I've made up my mind."

"Wait, Asuka didn't get accepted?" Hikari asked, trying to sort through everything that was happening. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't she tell me?"

"I've kind of been in denial over it," he admitted.

Hikari fully turned her attention toward Shinji, approaching him as she asked, "So, what's going to happen to you two?"

"I don't know... I... I haven't talked to her in a couple weeks," he guiltily admitted, hanging his head.

"Shinji, I'm sorry," Yui tried to comfort her son.

"That explains why she keeps texting me asking how you're doing... Shinji, I'm sorry," Hikari tried to console her friend, approaching him for a hug. "She never told me any of this."

But the boy shrugged out of it, backing away slowly, "Please, enough about Asuka."

While he tried to appear disinterested, Hikari's words provided hope. Why wouldn't Asuka tell Hikari what had happened? Did that mean there was still hope?

"Shinji, don't-"

"It's done, Hikari. Asuka's not going to Myojo, and neither am I."

This time Yui attempted to reach out to Shinji, waxing philosophic, "Young love, it always seems-"

"'Love'...?" Shinji interrupted, taking another step backward. Now his mind was spinning, unable to process everything thrown at him. He wanted to run, to hide. He needed a moment.

"You know: relationships and such. They all seem so real when you're in them; every relationship feels like the one," she continued. "But you're young. You'll have plenty of time to find the one."

Love...?

"Shinji-" Hikari started but was interrupted.

"Please stop."

"I can't imagine how you're feeling-"

"Please. Stop."

"At least let me call her, so I can-"

"Enough about Asuka! I- I don't want to talk anymore," Shinji was breaking. His entire world had come crashing down piece by piece, all starting with Rei. Everything he enjoyed and looked forward to was gone.

Except... Love...?

Yui was still fuming, turning back to the course catalog on the table, "Either way, how can that bastard do this? And now his own son's not going to attend just because of him!"

"No, Mom, it's not-"

The woman ignored him, however, her own anger and frustrations boiling over as she seemingly ranted and paced around the room. While she did this, Hikari had attempted to speak to Shinji about Asuka, slowly backing him away from the dining room.

Between both women trying to speak for Shinji, and to Shinji, and about Shinji, and, and, and, eventually the boy had enough. He quickly turned and tossed his shoes on, grabbing his coat and SDAT player out of his room before leaving.

Hikari chased after, following him into his room, then to the entryway, and finally into the apartment hall. She cried out, "Shinji! Where are you going?"

The teen was determined, at least to leave. Everything after was yet to be decided, but he knew he needed out. Stopping just before the elevator, Shinji answered without turning back, "I need some time."

"Give me a second, I'll come wi-" Hikari started, heading back to get her shoes, but Shinji cut her off.

"Alone."

"Shinji, wait-"

But he was gone, the elevator doors closing between them.

Love...?

"A girl loves a man who can keep his promises."


Shinji sighed while Rei smiled, "Not you, too, Hikari."

The brunette flipped her ever-present pigtail over her shoulder and spread out several brochures: "Come on, you promised us we'd all go to school together in Tokyo."

"That was so long ago, and now Rei's sick: I'd rather stay here and be with her," Shinji protested.

His sister ignored him, however, and started flipping through the brochures. Her red eyes widened at the third entry, and Rei picked it up, thumbing through it.

"Which one did you pick, Rei?" Hikari asked, leaning closer over the table, reading the cover on the underside. "'Myojo Academy'?"

Rei nodded, transfixed to the brochure, "This is the one."

"Rei," Shinji looked at his sister, "I won't go unless you're there, too."

"I love you, Shinji. It has to be Myojo."


In the elevator, Shinji unconsciously unwrapped the earphones from the SDAT and inserted them in his ears. A process he'd performed thousands of times before, the tiny speakers were in place and the PLAY button pressed just as he exited the apartment building into the chilly early evening.

Immediately the first track kicked off, the same driving drums followed by guitar. Shinji rolled his eyes, having forgotten his comfort tracks were long gone, now replaced by the mysterious songs that did nothing but remind him of a certain redhead. He had reached up and started to remove the earphones before deciding against it: some music is better than being trapped with only his thoughts.

Shinji's legs walked without instruction, mindlessly heading towards Otsuki Station. He hadn't even realized where his mind had taken him until the doors closed and he sat down on the train.

Tokyo, huh? Shinji thought as he listened to the line announcement. It was only an hour-long ride, setting his round-trip return about 7:30, far too much time to sit and think. The prospect of being alone with only his thoughts scared him, but he had no choice. There was so much to unravel, with Myojo being the most pressing.

Love...? The word bounced around in his head, taking the form of everyone's voice. Apparently Myojo wasn't the priority he consciously thought it was, as the lone syllable continued to ring in his ears. Shinji wasn't sure why the thought wouldn't leave him: of course he loved his mother, and his sister, and Hikari and her sisters, there was nothing to consider. Who else was there to love? Love was simple.

Or was it?

The word seemed to grow in strength with every passing, pressing on his heart, fighting for entry, but the young man remained resolute. She had deceived him, she had hurt him. There was no room for entry, if he was going to entertain liars and fools, he would seek out his father.

My father... Shinji instinctively squeezed his fist at the thought. More to unpack, more to sort out. How he wished he had someone to talk to about this, someone to help him make heads or tails of it. Someone who could relate to the soul-rending sensation of losing their other half, and the familial discord it caused.

Someone like Asuka? And the internal cycle began again.

The mere seven tracks on the SDAT looped and repeated, but Shinji allowed it: there wasn't anything in particular to pay attention to inside the train, and the only thing on the outside was a light snowfall dusting the mountains, backlit by the remnants of a long gone Japanese sun. The indigo sky was streaked with red wisps, reminiscent of-

God damn it, Shinji sighed. Still just under an hour away from Otsuki, he could do nothing but come to terms with the girl. She had poisoned his mind with a concoction so sweet, so addicting. Allowing his own thoughts to drift, he focused himself and began: What is Asuka to me? And what do I want her to be?

Despite only knowing her for such a short time, he felt a powerful connection between them. The fiery redhead represented so much of what he wanted: happiness and understanding. To find someone that could truly understand his pain, understand the feeling of losing half of himself, it was the most fateful event. And now fate would have it that they be separated, not only by physical distance but by the wall Shinji had erected between them.

Shinji felt the loneliness swell inside his chest. It was his wall. Asuka had deceived him, but he understood her motivations more than anyone, for he, too, was considering doing whatever it took to find his happiness again. Even if that happiness was on another continent, Myojo be damned.

Just over two hours after departure, the Chuo Line pulled back into Otsuki Station, returning its passenger to his origin. Slightly older than when he left, he was now more determined than before. Shinji had an idea, just the spark of one, and he was prepared to execute it as he stood up to exit. But his eyes caught a familiar face sitting at the platform, and the boy knew he was being collected.

Exiting the train silently, giving away nothing, Shinji walked up to the older man and bowed slightly, "I guess you were sent to pick me up?"

Masaru Grant smiled and returned the gesture with a nod, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm just a simple old man that enjoys people watching."

The boy raised his eyebrow, "And you just happened to be here at the same time as me?"

"Do you believe in fate, Shinji?"

He shook his head: if fate existed, it had a funny way of taking everything from him.

"Me neither," the older man frowned slightly as he continued to avoid Shinji's gaze. "I feel I've known you long enough to know where to find you.

"Fate or not, your friends and family are quite worried about you, I told them not to worry, you wouldn't run away: that's not like you."

Shinji hung his head and sighed, "I don't know about that..."

This time Masaru met his eyes: "What do you think you're running from: your father?"

"I feel like I'm running from everything and going nowhere," Shinji spoke without thinking.

"That's all a matter of perspective, Shinji. What feels like running from, to someone, looks like chasing after, to someone else."

Shinji pondered for a moment before sitting down next to his mentor, "What would I be chasing?"

"I don't know, Shinji. Your mother only told me so much about your school, but I can't help but imagine that a certain girl would also happen to be involved," he asked with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Shinji slouched on the bench, suddenly finding the seating uncomfortable.

Masaru grunted as he stood, calling back to the boy as he made for the exit: "I could go for a coffee. Come."

The walk to the cafe was short, but silent and uncomfortable. Shinji had kept his earphones in, but left the SDAT off, awaiting a lecture from his mentor, however, neither spoke until they received their ordered beverages and sat down.

"I have a daughter," Mr. Grant started, slowly blowing the steam off of his mug.

Shinji perked up, removing his earphones. He knew relatively little of the man's personal life, only that he was single and had no pictures of family on his modest apartment's walls. It was adorned with autographed scores and pictures of him performing throughout the years, but signs of a child were conspicuously missing.

"I-" the older man sighed before starting over, "When I was younger, I was in a relationship with a woman ten years my junior who studied violin under me. It was wrong, with my being her tutor, and should never have happened, but our love was real. Things progressed so rapidly that I feel I'm still unable to fully unpack what occurred, but I will never lament those memories.

"We called it off after a couple months: I was about to move to Europe and start my career with the London Symphony Orchestra and she wanted to finish her time at the University. It was to be a clean break, a chance for both of us to move on, no strings attached. And it was, until she contacted me a couple months later informing me she had become pregnant."

The café was quiet, only a few other patrons sat inside, keeping to themselves. Shinji listened intently as Masaru Grant continued again after another sigh.

"Playing and touring the world was one of my lifelong dreams, and I had a hard time giving that up after decades spent mastering my instrument. So, in a fit of cowardice, I decided to never call her again. I made sure to send every other paycheck to her house, but I feigned no interest in being a father or a husband. I poured myself into my craft and tried my hardest to never look back.

"Several years ago, I received a letter from Yoko: our daughter was about to graduate from the National Defense Academy and join the military, like her step-father had. It wasn't an invitation, it was an insult: 'look what she accomplished in spite of you'.

"I was immediately wracked with guilt over this child, my child; that I had squandered her entire life. I had found happiness and created a family and then ran from it.

"I attended the graduation, alone and uninvited, and was heartbroken to find that that beautiful girl not only didn't recognize me, she had no idea who I was at all," Mr. Grant's voice had dried out as he languished after the life he gave up. "Our first introduction was the hardest, and it only reminded me of what was now decades of my own failure.

"Shinji, I've toured the world: I've played music for Kings and Queens, Presidents and Prime Ministers, and I sent half of everything I made back for a child I told myself I wanted nothing to do with. And I got my wish, because here I sit before you: childless and alone."

The older man sat silent, staring into the brown liquid contained before him, nudging it ever so often to watch the ripples.

"Mr. Grant-" Shinji started, but was interrupted.

"But I was wrong. The distances and pages I've traversed have all ended up on walls, a shallow memory of what once was. But it is fleeting. My daughter, her mother, however... I- I've regretted letting them go for years." A solitary tear fell from his aged eye, quickly wiped away.

"We've spoken since that day, slowly working on our relationship, but it's not as it should be between a father and daughter. It never will be, and I've come to terms with it. This is my burden, and it will weigh on me until the day I die."

The pupil was speechless, unsure of what was expected of him. "I- I had no-"

A piercing gaze of stone grey eyes interrupted the boy's words. The eyes were menacing, but behind them a wearied flame flickered, slowly extinguished by the drips of sorrow that poured from above, "I ran from my reality and pretended I was chasing a dream, Shinji. Take it from this coward of an old man: you musn't run away."

"And what about Asuka?" Shinji asked without thinking.

"We live in a marvelous age of communication: if she cares for you as you do her, she will support you. Besides," Masaru asked with a tired grin, "what do you truly think would be accomplished by showing up in Germany?"

The boy stammered, shocked and confused, knowing he was caught. His mentor's words were cut to his core: what was the plan?

"Even in Shakespeare's greatest work, everyone dies. But do you ever wonder what would have happened had the Montagues and Capulets first settled their feud?"

The café was silent, the two lone patrons sat across from each other, unable to make eye contact. After a few minutes, the older gentleman pulled a rectangular object and sat it on the table in front of his pupil.

"Take this. It never rings, and I have no use for it. But, whatever decision you come to, whether it's going to Tokyo or chasing after her to Germany-"

Shinji's eyes shot up at the comment.

"- just stay in touch. Please."

The boy slowly picked up the cell phone and turned it around in his hands, unsure what to make of the gesture. His world had started tumbling with Rei's diagnosis, but now the gentle rolling was replaced with a violent turbulence, leaving its victim unsure of up or down.

Shinji pondered the moral of the story for a bit until his mentor stood from the table, eyes watching the exit, "There was an opening at the Tokyo Philharmonic a year after my daughter was born. One wonders if I could've had it all had I not run away."

Masaru gently placed his hand on Shinji's shoulder before leaving him with one parting thought: "Every musician is afraid to sight read, but no one became great playing nursery rhymes."


Shinji gently knocked on the Horaki's front door, eventually greeted by a bleary-eyed Hikari in a nightgown. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her fist before drowsily attempting to scold her lifelong friend.

"Shinji, it's almost midnight," she paused to yawn. "What are you doing?"

"Hey, Hikari: can I have Asuka's number?" Shinji asked sheepishly.

The girl yawned again, her usually tied-up hair now falling loosely on her shoulders, an unusual sight in her life, "You know we were all worried about you, too."

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

Hikari shrugged, too tired to muster up any more animosity, "Let me get my phone. Come in."

But Shinji remained outside the door, waiting patiently, "I just need the number, I won't be long."

She waved her left hand dismissively while yawning into her right and disappeared into her room. Emerging a few moments later with her phone in hand, she pulled up the number of the German girl and displayed her screen to Shinji.

After punching it into his new phone, he gave Hikari a quick hug and headed towards the staircase, back up to the roof.

Shinji calmed himself for a moment before sitting on the ledge near the staircase, offering a nice view of the snowy Otsuki sky. He dialed the number and listened to it ring. After what felt like forever, the boy heard a voice that made his breath catch in his throat.

"Hallo?"

He was silent for a moment, Asuka's vibrant voice stirring up so many conflicting emotions at the same time.

"Hallo?"

Afraid to wait any longer, Shinji spoke up, "Hey, Asuka... It's Shinji..."

"Shinji?!"

The boy couldn't suppress his smile any more. Just hearing his girlfriend say his name melted his heart. Her energy was infectious and he wanted nothing more than to be a part of it.

"I miss you."

And there it was, the drop that overflowed the bucket. Shinji was no longer able to contain himself, his heart surging from within his chest. How he longed to be with the girl again, even if only for a moment.

"I miss you, too, Asuka," he choked out, nerves drying his mouth out. "I think- no, I know... Asuka, I want to come see you."

The line fell silent, and all he could hear was heavy breathing on the line. Eventually the girl spoke up, but her vitality was lost, "I... I don't think that's a good idea right now."

Deflated, Shinji's heart now ached from the sudden u-turn it had taken, "But... why?"

"It's a long story, and I don't have all the details right now. But, suffice to say, you wouldn't be welcomed here. Not by my father, at least."

"Fathers..." Shinji clenched his fist.

"'Fathers'? Plural? What happened with yours?" Asuka asked, trying to change the subject.

"You don't want to know," he replied, his fist slowly opening.

"I do, Shinji. I want you to tell me."

Those few words tugged at his heartstrings, the compassion in them eating away at whatever resolve Shinji wished he had. Asuka genuinely cared about him, and understood far better than anyone else the familial pains he was going through.

Sighing, the teen explained the situation with Gendo and Myojo Academy: the revelation that not only was he a science teacher there, he falsified his credentials and his surname. And that he chose "Ayanami" of all things felt like a major slap in the face to Yui and Shinji.

As he spoke, he could feel the fear of Myojo grabbing hold of him. He would be without Rei, without Asuka, facing his father. He wanted to run, run from Tokyo, run to Germany, but his mentor's question was right. What was he going to do? "Rescue Asuka" and elope at fourteen, abandoning what little family he had remaining? Spend the rest of their lives avoiding their homes out of fear of pain? Surely that couldn't last.

'But do you ever wonder what would have happened had the Montagues and Capulets first settled their feud?'

"Wow," was all Asuka could get out, bringing her boyfriend back to the conversation.

Silence on the phone again.

"Shinji?"

"I wish I could see you, Asuka. You'd know what to do."

The girl sighed, "I wish."

More silence. Shinji's heart skipped a beat as he considered it once again. What was wrong with chasing happiness?

"Are you really gonna let that bastard run you out of Tokyo?" Asuka finally asked.

"I don't know. Rei's gone," Shinji frowned, unseen on the phone, "and you're not going, so why should I go?"

"Because you made a promise, and my Shinji keeps his promises."

He sighed, attempting to hold in a smile, "'Your Shinji'?"

The reaction must have caught the girl off guard, as Shinji heard her voice catch in her throat. There was a pause as she collected herself, "Of course. You're mine until I say you aren't..."

As confident as ever, he thought.

"... unless, you don't forgive me..."

Oh?

Asuka was silent on the line, before speaking softly, delicately. It was intimate: a connection directly from her heart to his, no phones needed, "Shinji, I messed up, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I found something that makes me happy for the first time in what feels like forever, and I held on so tightly that I hurt it."

Shinji could see her tears, he could feel her pain. How he wished he could put an arm around her.

"Maybe you going to Myojo is for the best: a chance to start without the baggage of someone like me," Asuka's half-hearted attempt at humor was lost on both involved parties. It was never even a consideration.

"Asuka, I still don't know what I want to do about Myojo. That's the truth. There's a lot that I don't know right now. But I do know one thing..."

Shinji wanted so badly to confess to her what he wanted, what he had decided, but the icy-hand of fear stilled his lips. They'd been acquainted for a little over a month, how would she define them? Especially with the mystery of the SDAT pulling them together, how much would she truly consider to be chemistry and how much just a need to be together for the mystery's sake?

"I want to be with you."

The confession surprised him, despite the words coming from his own mouth. It wasn't that Shinji disagreed with it, it was instead how bold and forthcoming it sounded. The exterior acknowledgement only further fueled his desire to flee to Germany, even if only for a temporary moment of blissful insanity.

The line was silent, but when Asuka finally spoke, Shinji knew to interrupt her line of thought, "Even though-"

"Yes." He was firm, but honest. "I'm over it: I forgive you."

Asuka's voice quivered for the first syllable of his name she spoke, but another voice interrupted her. There was a rustling on the phone, and Shinji could overhear a short conversation in German. While he waited, Shinji shivered in his seat, having been unaware of his discomfort in the cold, Otuski night. The warm embrace of Asuka's words had kept him comfortable enough to speak to her.

After a few moments, she returned, "I- I have to go, Shinji," Asuka's words were soft and gentle. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"You can text me on this number," Shinji replied, his eyes unfocused in the distance. "I have a cell phone."

Her giggle gave him a slight reprieve from the crushing fear holding him down, "Welcome to the twenty-first century, Shinji Ikari. I'll text you. Bye."

Shinji sat in silence staring at the device in his hands, now a permanent link between them. As he stood to reenter the apartment building, the phone buzzed in his hand and he looked down to read his first text message:

[ASUKA] Thank you.

His mind raced as he read it, once again making the boldest of considerations. In the thousands of miles between Myojo Academy and Brandenburg, Germany you could find the shredded remains of Shinji's mind, his heart torn between his promise and his love.

Opening the door from the roof, he turned and asked the cold, unresponsive sky, "Love...?"


"Shinji, I need you to promise me… promise me, even after I'm gone, that you'll do your best. Promise me you'll still test for Myojo..."

The steady tones of a heart monitor acted as a metronome against the worst symphony ever performed. A dissonant mix of buzzes and whirrs from monitoring equipment backed by a chorus of hospital announcements all added up to the horrific score that Shinji was forced to listen to.

"Promise me you'll find your own path."

"Rei..." Shinji's part in this recitative was short and unenthusiastic. Rei was clearly the soloist, her failing strength providing a natural pianissimo vocal performance.

"Please... promise me... Shinji..."

"Rei..."

His accompaniment was brief and uninspired, the composer clearly had only the lead vocalist in mind. He was simply a harmony, only existing to support his sister.

As the piece came to a close, the tempo slowed, poco a poco - little by little. The sounds all decrescendoed until there was nothing but dying eyes in a hospital bed, the light almost completely gone. Despite not being the lead for the entire song, the final bar was left to his lone, tenor voice:

"I- I promise."


It had been a couple days since he spoke to Asuka on the rooftop; she had become quite busy with Camille and the baby now discharged from the hospital. They exchanged text messages at random intervals, the eight hour difference misaligning their schedules considerably, but Shinji was always excited to see the notification light on his phone.

Shinji had taken another cello lesson from Mr. Grant, this one more focused on playing the actual instrument than usual. That was usually how the boy liked to problem solve: instrument in hand, he would work his thoughts out on the strings, believing he could find the solution if he simply played enough. But the solution never came to him. Not during his playing, or even after he talked it over again with his instructor who had made it clear that his piece had already been said; he would not belabor the point. It was as if Shinji was forced to decide for himself: the Universe would offer him no suggestions, no assistance.

Instead of calling his mother for pick-up after the lesson, Shinji instead chose to walk home, cello strapped to his back. He wasn't sure if he was simply looking for an excuse to not answer the question at home, or was subconsciously punishing himself for not having an answer at all. Regardless, he trudged through the snowy town, earphones in, SDAT player on.

Despite the music playing in his ears, his mind was haunted with the endless beeping of Rei's heart monitor, seemingly lining up with every step he took. Eventually, it overpowered the music and all he could hear was the intermittent tone, still in cadence with his footsteps.

It wasn't the beeping that scared him, however, it was the knowledge of the last two words he ever spoke to his sister. The promise that he had made to her, the promise he had been considering breaking. That promise was tormenting him: the two simple words dancing around his mind, taunting him as he tried to avoid eye-contact. But eventually the Universe subconsciously provided the hint Shinji needed, and he found himself standing before Rei's grave, unaware that he had made the slight detour on the way home.

"What am I supposed to do, Rei? You're not going to be there, Asuka's not going to be there, and now Father is teaching there..."

Shinji's words formed into steamy clouds as they emerged from his mouth, the thoughts seemingly materializing and evaporating into the heavens, hopefully reaching his dear sister. The lone monolith stood before him, crowned with snow but unaffected by the cold. The occupant would surely shiver if she were in front of him. She would talk to him, argue with him, tell him even thinking about running away to Europe was insane.

But the granite pillar did none of those things; it didn't even have the courtesy to respond when he greeted it. Such a selfish object.

"And Asuka thinks I should go, but I want to be with her."

"I- I promise." His own words rang out loud, as if someone was speaking to him. Shinji scanned the cemetery again, but found himself alone.

"What am I supposed to do?" he shut his eyes tight, trying to hide himself from the memory. "I thought everything was going to make sense, that everything was happening for a reason..."

"I- I promise."

"I get it, I heard it. That doesn't help me," Shinji was growing more irritated. If only it were as simple as breaking the promise and moving forward.

"I- I promise."

"I'm not running from him. I'm not running from anything. I just... miss you... and I miss her." He was failing, the beeps were deafeningly loud and his own pledge echoed endlessly between his ears.

"I- I promise."

"It's not that simple! You're not here!" Shinji's voice was raising in the empty field.

"I- I promise."

"That's easy for you to say! You left me! And Father! And Mother's been so busy... I'm alone, Rei."

"I- I promise."

"Is that what I have to do? That's it?! No exceptions?"

"I- I promise."

"Even without you?! Without Asuka?!"

"I- I promise."

"I'm not strong enough," Shinji whispered, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Mr. Keeps His Promises sounds pretty loyal."

His eyes opened wide and everything fell silent. "Asuka?"

Shinji looked around the cemetery for the source, hoping to see a hint of blazing hope waiting to surprise him, but the only color he saw was white. He was certain he'd heard Asuka's voice, but it was also in his mind.

Refocusing on Rei's tombstone, Shinji was relieved to find everything had truly gone mute: no more music, no more beeping, no more echoes of promises made. The Shinji of the past had fallen silent, replaced by the reminder that his promissory expectations were also held by another. Held by someone that mattered, someone whose regard mattered above all others.

He knew what needed to be done: "I won't run away. Not from him, not from anyone."

The world was silent, except for a solitary click in his coat pocket:

Classroom-phobic
I need a moment
For me and myself
I'm feelin' this mixtape
Fixin' my headache
Shut the world out

Yeah, I got problems, but I got melodies to solve them
I'm coming up from the bottom, smoke 'em if you got 'em

When the world gets loud, I get louder
When the world gets loud, I get louder

I put my headphones on and go
I put my headphones on and go

Headphones kickin'
I'm on a mission
Trying to get free
I'm not religious
But fuck it the music
Is making me believe

Oh yeah, I got problems, but whatever, I forgot 'em
I'm coming up from the bottom, smoke 'em if you got 'em

When the world gets loud, I get louder
When the world gets loud, I get louder

I put my headphones on and go
I put my headphones on and go

I put my headphones on and go
Another state of mind
Forget about the time
Where nobody can find me
Leave the world behind me, yeah

I put my headphones on and go
I put my headphones on and go

Far away
A better place
I go oooh
I go oooh

When the world gets loud, I get louder
When the world gets loud, I get louder

I put my headphones on and go
I put my headphones on and go

I put my headphones on and go
Another state of mind
Forget about the time
Where nobody can find me
Leave the world behind me, yeah

I put my headphones on and go
I put my headphones on and go

As if the music itself confirmed Shinji's decision was right, the boy smiled to himself: he was going to Myojo Academy, and he would be with Asuka one way or another.

His cold hands fumbled retrieving his phone from his pocket, Shinji excitedly dialed the first person he could think of. It would be early in the morning still, but he was relieved to hear Asuka's voice.

"Shinji?"

"Asuka! I'm going to Myojo. I've decided to keep my promise to my sister."

There was a sigh of relief through the phone, "Mr. Keeps His Pro-"

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Keeps His Promises, that's me," Shinji interrupted, sparing himself from embarrassment. "There's another thing, though?"

"Oh?"

Shinji put the earphone up to the speaker on the bottom of the device, turning the SDAT all the way up. He let it play for a few seconds before bringing the phone back to his ear.

"What was that?" Asuka asked.

"A new song! Something happened and a new song appeared."

"I couldn't make out a thing, it was too muffled."

Shinji was slightly deflated, "Hang on, let me try again."

But Asuka interrupted him, "Hey, hey, Shinji, I have to go. I'll call you back later?"

"Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine."

"Shinji, I promise I will call you back," Asuka teased.

It had the intended effect, though, and Shinji couldn't help but smile, "Deal."

"Gut. Auf Wiederhören!"

And suddenly Shinji was alone again. The world was quiet and cold, and he stood in the cemetery with a cello on his back, a cell phone in his hand, and an empty heart. His sister was gone and buried, and his girlfriend was as far away as possible before coming closer again.

Huh... he thought. So, this is it...?

Shinji trudged the rest of the way home, eventually arriving to find his apartment empty. His mother had buried herself in her work after Rei passed, and Shinji was certain his father's sudden re-emergence would only cause her to increase her workload.

The boy sat down at the table with his SDAT and put the earphones in, listening to the song and taking down the lyrics, but this time solo. He looked at the seat where Asuka sat last time they analyzed a song at that very table and felt a pang of loneliness.

Shinji's heart grew heavy as his eyes scanned the room: of the two women closest to him, his sister was deceased and his mother spent as little time at home as possible. The next two would be Hikari and Asuka, to which the latter was worlds away for the unforeseeable future, and Shinji found himself unable to talk to Hikari about Asuka: he already knew how she would react to his recent consideration.

After a few more listens, Shinji's mood brightened when the phone buzzed on the table. The display showed his girlfriend's name, and he smiled as he answered.

"'Mrs. Keeps Her Promises' sounds pretty good to me," Shinji jokingly answered the phone.

"'Mrs'?" Asuka fired back quickly.

The boy blushed a bright red, suddenly realizing what he had just implied, "Oh- oh! I'm sorry!"

Asuka's giggle turned into a full-blown laugh, "I don't know how someone can be clumsy long-distance, but you continue to impress, Shinji."

Shinji was glad she couldn't see his embarrassment, "Sorry."

"Let's not get back into that habit, though," the girl chided him over the phone.

"S-" Shinji coughed, "Got it."

"Smooth. But, I'll take it," Asuka brought the conversation back on topic. "So, you got a new song... without me?"

Shinji wasn't entirely sure what to make of it, either. The first song was by himself, as well, but he was physically near Asuka earlier, so that may have explained it, "I guess so?"

"That's interesting. What's it sound like?"

Again he tried to awkwardly hold the earpiece to the phone, starting the SDAT. He waited through a bit of the song but pulled it away when he could hear Asuka calling for him over the music.

"Shinji! Shinji! I can't- I can't hear a thing!"

He eventually stopped the player and put the phone back up to his ear, "Nothing?"

"Nein," she answered. "It's so garbled I can't tell if I'm listening to music or a blender."

Shinji sighed, frustrated by the distance between them. They'd come so far in their relationship, to be separated by entire continents felt insurmountable. "You know, if I were with you, you could listen to it."

Asuka sighed as well, remaining silent for a bit, "If only..."

"I have a month before I'm supposed to report-" he started, but was cut off by the girl.

"Do you really think it's a good idea?"

"Honestly? I don't care. I miss you, Asuka. And something happened that triggered a new song. There's reason enough for us to be together, right?"

She chuckled at the thought, "Yeah, but I don't think my father would agree."

"Why doesn't he like me?" Shinji asked, growing frustrated at the lack of explanation from Asuka.

"I still don't have the full story, but I brought you up and apparently my father had a run-in with your father. 'Lunatic' is the word he used, I believe," Asuka explained.

"Oh..."

"I haven't gotten much more out of him, and I haven't had time to ask about the trials. Everything's been a mess since I got back, so time to talk has been limited.

"I'm sorry, Shinji. I swear I'm telling you everything this time, there just hasn't been much development since I've come home," she finished. "I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything more. It's been bugging me, too."

"It's okay, Asuka. Do you think if I just showed up he'd listen to me?" Shinji asked, half serious.

"I can't imagine that would help."

His heart sank. He was determined to see her again, but he didn't want to complicate things. If he were to have a chance at seeing her again in Japan, upsetting her father by just showing up wouldn't be ideal.

Asuka tried to correct the course of their conversation, "So, what's the song about?"

Shinji shook his head, clearing up any thoughts about Germany and looked at the notebook laid before him, "As far as I can gather, it's about moving forward. About... making a decision and sticking to it, no matter what."

"And that decision was going to Myojo Academy?"

"Yeah," Shinji's voice trailed off again, in thought.

Asuka chuckled. "Well, Gut for you, Shinji. I'm sorry I can't be there with you..."

"Yeah, well, about that: Asuka, I promise you we'll be together again..."

The line went silent again.

"... soon."

"Shinji…"

"Yes, Asuka?"

"I can't wait."


Shinji walked up to the counter, proud of his solution. Inelegant, but effective, it was something he'd have to live with. His heart and his mind warred inside, both agreeing and disagreeing with the move, but he remained steadfast and determined: much like the choice to attend Myojo Academy, this was made purely in the interest of happiness, even if only temporary.

The woman turned to the young man and smiled, "Good afternoon. Where to?"

He smiled as he pulled out his wallet, certain he was doing the right thing: "Brandenberg, Germany."


Song: "Headphones" by Hedley