Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 9: Embrace the Silence
"Good morning Jet Alone passengers flight S107 with service from Frankfurt to Berlin: we're currently about twenty minutes from our destination, making our descent into Berlin airspace. Looks like we're about five minutes ahead of schedule, landing at 6:50 am," the overhead announcement came through loud and clear.
The German speaking pilot continued after a short pause and crackle, "We're looking at clear skies and the forecast shows a bright, sunny day. Hopefully it's enough to keep you somewhat warm on a brisk, -6° morning."
The passengers on the flight began to stretch in their seats as the plane slowly entered the city. The lone soul travelling from Tokyo was restless, especially with the uncertainty of what to expect upon landing. The decision to leave Japan was last minute, with little time allowed to make sense of it all.
"Good morning again, we're making our final approach into TXL Berlin Tegel International Airport. Please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are up and all luggage stowed away, and we thank you again for choosing JA. Remember: You're not alone when you fly Jet Alone."
As passengers debarked the plane, an exhausted Asuka Langley Soryu slowly followed the flow of traffic out of the jetway. The emotionally and physically drained girl headed towards baggage claim, softly smiling to herself as she recalled the brief goodbye kiss she had received over fifteen hours ago. While the actual kiss had long since faded away, the memory lingered heavily on her lips.
Said lips turned to a slight frown as she approached the baggage claim lobby: Asuka was hopeful to find her father himself to pick her up, but instead an equally expected face sat nearby.
Did you really expect him to make the effort? she internally scolded her own naïveté.
"Hello, Ozvaldo."
The younger gentleman looked up from his phone and gave a quick nod, "Greetings, Miss Langley."
The teen raised her eyebrow, slightly annoyed, "'Miss Langley'?"
"I'm simply returning the extended formality. How was your flight?"
"Fine," she replied curtly. "I was hoping my father would at least come pick me up himself."
Attention back on the phone, he pushed his glasses up and responded without looking up, "He intended to. Something came up with Camille and he was called back to the hospital. She'll be staying there a couple more days, it seems."
"I'm sure he did," Asuka muttered under her breath. "Well, anything to make sure Camille's safe and healthy."
"Agreed."
Asuka watched Oz out of the corner of her eye as she waited for her luggage to come around the carousel. Her father's personal assistant and confidant, Ozvaldo Wagner was a tall, thin man with messy brown hair and a handsome face. Somehow always dressed in a suit, his immaculately tailored pant and vest combos were perpetually worn without a jacket. When she was younger, Asuka found herself quite infatuated with the man twenty years her senior, but that was nothing more than a pre-teen crush, something that Kaworu had teased her about immensely. It was actually quite reminiscent of Shinji and Nozomi-
Shinji! Asuka suddenly realized she hadn't called to let him know she'd landed safely. The teen would have to find a way to excuse herself to contact her boyfriend, a currently unspoken topic as no one yet knew of his existence.
"Hey, Oz, I need to use the restroom," Asuka lied.
"That's fine, I'll wait for your bag. What color is it?"
"Blue with white trim," she answered, recalling the luggage set she purchased in Otsuki. She hadn't packed much for the initial overnight trip to Tokyo, so everything extra had to be purchased in the small town. "Thanks again, I'll be right back."
Asuka briskly walked to the women's restroom and entered a stall, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She dialed the saved number for the Ikari household and waited.
He really needs his own phone, she thought as it rang. It's going to be hard to call him all the time.
After a few moments, the phone was picked up and a tiny voice answered, "Ikari residence. This is Nozomi."
"Guten Morgen, Fräulein Zuzu."
"Huh?"
Asuka rolled her eyes, switching back to Japanese in the German airport, "Hello Miss Zuzu, is Shinji around?"
"Oh, hi Asuka! You know," there was a short huff over the phone as the young girl responded, "no one calls me 'Zuzu' anymore."
"I'm sorry, Nozomi. I've just heard Shinji say it so much that I forgot I shouldn't," Asuka apologized.
"It's okay, Asuka. You're Shinji's girlfriend, so I guess you can call me that, too."
The teen blushed, "Well thank you. Is Shinji there? I just need to talk to him really quick."
"One second," Nozomi's voice quieted as she pulled away from her phone, "Shinji: Asuka's on the phone!"
There were a few giggles from Nozomi and another voice, Hikari, Asuka presumed, until Shinji finally answered, "Hey- hey Asuka!"
"Hey Shinji. I can't talk, but I just wanted to let you know that I landed in Berlin and Oz is taking me back home."
"Oz?"
"My father's assistant. He's busy with Camille, I guess. I'll call you later when I'm settled, okay?"
"Yeah, sounds good. I'll talk to you later!"
"Bye!"
Hanging up the phone, the girl exited the stall to a few curious eyes, and washed her hands before leaving. Surely the phone call in Japanese was awkward enough, but having it in the stall itself definitely topped the strangeness.
As Asuka walked back to the baggage claim area, she caught Oz standing with her bag, still on his phone. "Arigatou, Oz."
The older man looked up from his phone curiously, "Uh, tondemonai?"
The redhead had collected her bag before noticing the confused look on his face. Switching back to German, she apologized, "I'm sorry, Oz. I didn't even realize it."
"It's not a big deal: I know the greetings and pleasantries, at least," he replied, leading the two of them towards the car park.
The Langley family was proudly trilingual: David conducted most of his business in German and English, but was fluent in Japanese, the language Kyoko chose to raise the children in. Kaworu and Asuka both tended to gravitate towards Japanese during their free time, mostly so they could speak freely around Oz and, later, Camille.
Things changed significantly after David married the French woman: she spoke very little German and no Japanese, and, after Kaworu's passing, Asuka found herself the lone holdout in the language. In the months after her brother's death, Oz attempted to learn the language and converse with her from time to time in an effort to reach out to the increasingly isolated girl, but it came across superficial at best, and placating at worst.
Sitting down in the backseat of her father's BMW, Asuka put on her sunglasses and rested her head against the window as they drove to Brandenburg. Exhausted from the long flight and now feeling an anxious knot growing in her stomach, the girl sighed and touched her fingers to her lips, again recalling the gentle presence of Shinji's just before she boarded the train in Otsuki.
There were several things to discuss with her family, and an increasingly worrying topic with Shinji. Asuka particularly dreaded speaking to him, as she had yet to reveal that she hadn't been accepted to Myojo Academy. The redhead shut her eyes hard, hoping she could find an answer to the problem before she called him, or at least before she returned to Japan in a few weeks' time. Needing some help brainstorming, she pulled out her phone and sent out a short text to her best friend.
[ASUKA] Hey, I just got back home. Let's catch up tomorrow. Lots to talk about.
Her eyes began to shut again when she felt a buzz from her phone and turned it over.
[AMY] let's do it im free
The girl couldn't help but chuckle at the almost immediate response: Amy was constantly on her phone, so it wasn't surprising that she would answer the message within a few seconds. Asuka felt her lids grow heavier as the gentle drive settled her nerves and she felt a smile creep across her face.
I wonder what Shinji's doing right now, she thought. Surely it must be more interesting than the hour-long drive from Berlin. What she'd give to have him here with her, by her side.
That would be nice... She imagined holding his hand as she drifted to sleep.
Asuka sat down on her bed and nearly collapsed backwards, happy at last to be back in her own room. While the house, city, and continent weren't preferable to her beau's mountain town, even she couldn't deny the sublime comfort of her own quarters.
On the way home, Oz had been called and redirected to St. Mary's Hospital. The two waited in the lobby for some time to speak to David, but he only had enough time to quickly hug his daughter before returning to his wife's room. They eventually found themselves back en route to the Langley estate, pulling in two hours later than originally planned.
After the one-hour-turned-three-and-a-half-hour drive from Berlin, coupled with the almost fifteen hour combined flights from Tokyo, Asuka was completely drained. Her eyelids slowly succumbed to gravity, repeatedly pulling themselves close before she forced them open. The least she could do was check in with Shinji before taking a nap.
Pulling her cell phone back out, she dialed the Ikari house again, her fingers mindlessly tracing circles on her stomach while she waited for an answer.
"Ikari's, Shinji speaking."
"Hi Shinji."
"Asuka, perfect timing! We just finished dinner, so I can talk to you while I wash the dishes," his voice, while distant and artificial, gave away his obviously concealed smile. It was such a cute smile when he tried to hide it.
"I'm starving, all I've had is airline food. What did you make?"
Shinji chuckled nervously, "We, uh, we tried the German stuff you bought yesterday."
"Was that just yesterday?" Asuka asked. Her mind was spinning, the drastic change in time confusing her already tired brain. "Scheiße, it feels like it's been a week already."
"Well, it was yesterday for us. I think you've flown enough that you get a pass on tracking the time," Shinji smiled through the phone. "How was your flight?"
"It was fine, nothing special," she quickly dismissed, "How was the food?"
"Huh?"
"The German food! How did it taste?"
"Oh! Honestly? It wasn't very good. None of us knew how to cook it, so it turned out pretty bad and we ended up eating leftovers," her boyfriend laughed guiltily. "It needed your touch, I think."
"Well obviously, I don't expect you guys would know how to cook it," Asuka weakly teased.
"Maybe the chef shouldn't have run off without warning," Shinji tried to return the barb. Unfortunately it fell flat as there was an awkward silence between the two.
Asuka rolled over in her bed, now laying on her stomach, unsure of how to respond. Luckily Shinji made the first move.
"Asuka, I'm sorry. That was rude, I shouldn't have said that."
She rolled her eyes at those two irritating words, Well, at least this apology is deserved. But he is right...
"It's not your fault, Shinji. I know I kind of took off without warning. I'm the one that should be sorry."
The boy chuckled, "You're starting to sound like me."
"A little bit," Asuka giggled alongside him on the phone. "Well, at least I won't be here too l-"
"ASUKA, COME DOWN PLEASE!" her father called from the downstairs living room.
He must've arrived right after us, she thought. Pulling herself from the phone, she responded in German, "COMING!"
Returning to Japanese, Asuka informed her boyfriend that she had to leave and would call him tomorrow, punctuating the conversation with, "Also, you need a cell phone."
Shinji sighed, "Now you're sounding like Hikari..."
"I'm serious," she retorted, standing up and heading towards the hallway. "I can't always call, especially because we're eight hours apart. But I can text almost any time."
"You can just text my mom's phone."
"And what if I want to send you things I don't want your mother to see?" Asuka asked sarcastically, imagining the blush Shinji must be wearing on the other side of the world.
"A-Asuka! You- you can't- don't-" he stammered.
Unable to maintain the ruse, however, she giggled at how flustered Shinji had become. Even thousands of miles away, she could nearly see him awkwardly shouldering the phone over the sink, soap-covered hands trembling at their discussion.
"ASUKA!" another call from downstairs.
"I'm coming!" she responded in German, the interruption ruining her fun-time. She turned the conversation back to the phone, "Hey, I gotta go now. I'm not sending anything like that, but don't let your imagination run too wild."
She could practically see the blush on the horizon as Shinji's red glow shone across the world. "Talk to you later!"
"Bye Asuka."
Asuka looked sorrowfully at her phone for a moment. To think she'd found someone she could truly connect with, only for the connection to be forcefully terminated: only fate could be so cruel.
As she rounded the bottom of the staircase, Oz caught her from behind and reversed the unsuspecting girl into the office, pulling the door almost shut. She began to protest, but was silenced with a finger to her lips.
"Your father has arrived with what I thought were Camille's parents, but is instead the entire extended Lyon family," the older man nervously smoothed his vest as he peeked out the door. "I don't speak a lick of French, and the grandmother has been yelling at me about something since she walked in the door: please help me."
Asuka chuckled softly and looked into the hall where they just were, "I don't speak much, either, but I understand some of it. I'll help you."
"I owe you."
Ozvaldo thanked the young girl again before patting her head and exiting the office, immediately resuming his upright, confident gait.
Asuka watched as he rounded a corner, only to flinch as a barrage of French words were loudly hurled in his direction. She smiled to herself, considering the offer, He'll owe me, huh?
And suddenly her ticket back to Japan just got a little bit cheaper.
The Sankt-Annen-Galerie was one of Brandenburg's finest shopping malls, and one of Asuka's favorite spots to get away. It wasn't that she had a particular fancy for shopping, though it was one of her preferred methods for killing stress, but it was busy enough that she could people watch and drown out most of her own internal monologue.
The redhead sat down on a bench near the main entrance, quietly waiting for her companion to arrive. Usually tardy, and usually with a new man on her hip, Asuka was familiar with waiting for Amy.
Amy von Blume was one of Asuka's few friends. They'd attended private school together since grade five, and, while originally starting out quite contentiously, grew to be the best of friends by grade seven.
The fourteen year-old girls could nearly pass as twins from their looks alone: similar in height and build, the largest indicator between them was Amy's luxurious blonde hair and bright green eyes compared to Asuka's red and blue. Amy also had a peculiar fashion sense, dressing oftentimes too provocatively for a teenager in Asuka's opinion, opting for gaudy corsets and skirts, attempting to accentuate her budding curves. "Prude," she would often tease the redhead.
And now Asuka had to reveal that not only did she have a boyfriend of her own, she'd spent the night with him: twice. The second night attached to his face, she smirked at the memory before turning red. Maybe I'll keep that part to myself.
Arriving now fifteen minutes late, Asuka did her best to put on an irritated face when Amy arrived, surprisingly solo, but couldn't hold out any longer and broke character in time to pull Amy close.
"I wanted to be upset with you for being late-" she began, but the blonde quickly interrupted.
"Uh, excuse me? You're almost four weeks late!"
She had her there. Asuka was so busy with Shinji and everyone in Japan that she'd barely taken the time to message her best friend.
"I'm sorry," Asuka apologized. Oh god, I am beginning to sound like him, aren't I?
Amy gave a stern look before also putting on a smile and pulling the confused redhead back into the hug, "Oh come here, I could never be mad at you."
For a moment, Asuka melted into the hug. It was different from Shinji's: colder, by direct comparison. But it was distinctly familiar, and one she had grown to love over the last few years.
"So, tell me about him!"
Asuka's eyes went wide, caught and cornered. She attempted to protest and deflect, but knew it was pointless, "His name is Shinji."
"Oh my god, I was just messing with you! You actually met someone?!" Amy asked incredulously. She folded her arms in front of her and batted her eyelids, "I'm listening."
Blue eyes rolled at green, and Asuka unleashed the smile she'd been publicly suppressing since returning to Germany. "We met at a subway station..."
The two walked deeper into the shopping center, one talking and the other listening. Asuka detailed their chance encounter at the subway station and the rest of their adventures in lockdown at the Academy, conveniently leaving out the two overnight stays in his room. She smiled as she spoke of Otsuki, and the generosity of the Horaki family.
"Is he a good kisser?" Amy interrupted, walking past her redheaded counterpart as she froze in place.
"Yes," she answered without hesitation. Immediately, Asuka turned bright red, her feet affixed to the spot, surprised by the boldness of her declaration.
"Oh my god," the blonde turned around and leaned in, peering at her best friend. "Who is this and where is the Asuka I know?"
Asuka turned her head, trying to avoid the prying eyes, "What are you talking about?"
"You leave Germany for what was supposed to be a two-day trip, find a boyfriend, kiss him, spend over a month with him in this small town, and come back here all full of confidence?" Amy grinned like a shark. "Did you sleep with him?"
"What?! No! No! I did not! I wouldn't!" Asuka was the reddest she had ever been.
"OH MY GOD, ASUKA!"
"AMY VON BLUME, YOU PERVERT!" Steam could practically be seen pouring from Asuka's ears as she continued to stammer and protest. The blonde girl doubled over, laughing hysterically.
After a few moments, and a dozen odd looks from passersby in the mall, Amy returned to the conversation, "What am I saying? How could you have slept with someone when even I haven't yet?"
Her flushed cheeks slowly fading, Asuka smacked her friend on the top of her head and walked off, "Baka hentai."
"Hey," Amy teased as she caught up, "you know I don't speak Japanese."
"I called you a 'dumb blonde'," Asuka rolled her eyes at her friend.
She shrugged, "Not the worst thing I've been called."
"You're ridiculous," Asuka giggled. "Come on, I still haven't told you about our date: we went skiing on Mt. Fuji."
Exhausted, Asuka tossed and turned in her bed. In the six days since she'd returned to Brandenburg, the Lyon family had run her ragged, treating her far more like a maid than family. Her increased busyness and inability to find even a single moment to herself delayed the very necessary confession regarding her status with Myojo Academy to Shinji.
Her anxiety had become overwhelming, heaped on by her father's explosion when she discussed the school situation with him. And somehow mentioning Shinji Ikari's name the next day at the dinner table had only worsened things.
Asuka glanced at her alarm clock, reading 5:52am. Ugh... she groaned.
Doing some quick mental calculations in her mind, Asuka unplugged her cell phone and began dialing the only number to bring her comfort lately. Unfortunately, she knew the call wasn't going to be comfortable: far from it. She had to confess to her deception and find a way to get back to Japan, or even run away somewhere else. Anywhere was preferable to being trapped with her angry father, his wife and baby, and the demanding guests that occupied the entire downstairs of their house.
After a few rings, Asuka was greeted by Yui Ikari's pleasant voice, and a beautiful sound humming behind it.
"Good, uh, morning, Mrs. Ikari."
"Afternoon, actually," Yui playfully corrected. "How are you, Asuka?"
"I'm okay. A bit tired; it's been pretty chaotic here."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like to speak to Shinji?"
Sighing and closing her eyes, Asuka could feel herself growing warmer in her bed with the boy's gentle playing in the background. It comforted her far more than she expected, and she made a bold request to the older woman, "I, uh, yes. But, can you- I mean, would you kindly just let me listen to him for a bit?"
"I can do that."
As Bach's Prelude emanated through the earpiece of her phone, Asuka wrapped her other arm around her chest, holding herself tightly. Her fingers traced up her neck and began stroking her hair, recalling Shinji's gentle touch as they fell asleep at the new year.
The Prelude was almost over, and while Asuka never wanted the feeling to end, she was equally excited to speak to her boyfriend again.
"Shinji, Asuka's on the phone," Yui's voice was distant, the phone obviously held away from her.
Asuka's heart nearly leapt out of her chest as she imagined his face, eager to speak to her.
"How long have you been standing there?!" Shinji's voice grew louder as he approached his mother.
"She called just after you started."
"Why didn't you interrupt me?!"
Asuka could hear the physical transition of the phone and smiled: she was in his hands. "Because I wanted to listen, dummy."
"She could hear you when I answered and asked if I would let her listen for a moment," Yui responded, growing distant as she walked away from the two.
"H-hey!"
And with those words, Asuka's heart began to soar. She hadn't had a truly free moment to speak to the boy in almost a week thanks to the guests in the house. But with the anticipation of speaking to Shinji again, came the crushing anxiety of having to tell him the current situation. It weighed heavily on her, and moments before she returned his greeting David Langley's voice rang out in her mind.
'Why would I let you go back to Japan? To see that man's son?!'
With that, a meager, "Hey Shinji..." was all Asuka could muster.
"Asuka! Is everything okay?" the boy asked, catching the change in tone.
This is it, Asuka sighed. I have to come clean.
"My father doesn't want me to go back to Japan. He's upset and wants me to stay here with Camille and the baby..."
Well, that's a half-truth, she scolded herself.
"That's okay, we only have a few weeks before we report to Myojo. I can wait for you until then," Shinji responded, as naïve as always.
Idiot, she thought, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. I'm about to ruin everything...
"Shinji... about that... I'm not coming."
Silence.
Way to go, Soryu. You found one thing to make yourself happy and now you've ruined it. The self-flagellation had begun, and Asuka's internal monologue wasn't holding back. Deep down, the girl knew she should've been more honest up-front, but she was certain she could figure it out.
Like you figure everything out, huh? Like Mama, like Kaworu, and now, Shi-
"I'm not coming," Asuka repeated, interrupting her own line of thought. If she kept talking, she wouldn't have to think. If she kept Shinji talking, she could shut down Asuka.
Just how long do you think you can keep th-
"Why? What happened?"
Yeah, Asuka. What happened? Tell him.
Asuka gasped like a fish, her mouth opening repeatedly. She tried to speak, but no words would come. Caught between disappointing Shinji and continuing her deception, her body would not respond to the most basic commands to speak.
"Asuka..." Shinji's voice was gentle and understanding. At least for the time.
"I wasn't accepted," she blurted out.
"What? How? You told us all-" The gentleness and understanding was gone.
"I know. I lied."
"You- you lied?"
"Yes..." Asuka had stopped hugging herself, stopped playing with her hair. She didn't deserve comfort. Apparently she didn't deserve happiness, either.
"Why would you lie?! To me?! To everyone?!" Shinji shouted.
Asuka was taken aback, thankful to already be lying in her bed, lest his words and tone would've knocked her flat. She was prepared for a disappointed Shinji. She was prepared for a sad Shinji. But Asuka was not prepared for his anger.
He had every right to be angry, and Asuka was entirely to blame for it. Her meager attempts to hide her anguish had failed, and she began to cry, "I don't know. I thought it was a mistake, I know I did well! I didn't think it would get to this point..."
"Asuka..."
"Wait! Please, please let me explain."
You really think that's going to fix this?
"Asuka, I-"
"Shinji, please. Please..."
The line fell silent. It was entirely likely that Shinji had set the phone down and walked away, but there was still hope that she could explain it. The hope was but a sliver, but Asuka was prepared to hold onto that sliver for dear life, "I- Shinji, you haven't hung up, so I'm just going to start from the top..."
Asuka sat up in her bed and shut her eyes tight. Inhaling deeply, she started, "I haven't been entirely honest from the beginning: I didn't apply to Myojo because it was the best. Hell, Japan was the last place in the world I wanted to go to school. After what happened to Mama, I had a hard time relating to anything Japanese. It was too hard: even the language reminded me of the times she would speak it to us..."
"Why Myojo?" Asuka asked her brother, holding out a pamphlet he'd just handed her.
Sitting on the girl's left in the backseat of a car, Kaworu continued to stare out the window as he spoke, "It doesn't have to be Myojo. It could be any school in Japan."
"Okay then, why Japan?" she restated the question.
"Yes, 'why Japan'?" Ozvaldo repeated from the driver's seat.
Kaworu stared at the back of the driver's headrest and switched the conversation to Japanese, "For culture. For mother. Wouldn't you like to reconnect with that part of your life?"
Asuka watched Oz disengage himself from the conversation and return to driving before answering her brother, matching his language, "Honestly, why would I? And what do you care about Mama and that part of our 'life'?"
The twin brother looked sorrowfully at his sister, sighing, "Then would you do it for me?"
It was Asuka's turn to look away and out the window, attempting to resist her brother's guilt trip, "Kaworu..."
"What will it take to get you there?"
The young girl looked back at her brother, glancing at bandages on his hands. The car was taking them back to Berlin, to meet their father at yet another specialist's office, for more blood draws, more scans, more tests. The prognosis wasn't very hopeful, and attending any distant school was quite unlikely due to the medical attention the boy would require.
"Asuka," Kaworu spoke softly, looking out the window again, "if you go to Myojo, I will be there, I promise."
Asuka's explanation was growing incredibly desperate, the painful memories of her brother's passing amplified by the realization that she was unlikely to see any of her new friends again, Shinji included, "But I met you. And Hikari. And Mana, Musashi, and Keita. And it was nice, but not enough to change my mind. But I got to know you, and then all this with the SDAT, and I tried to run from it one last time. But apparently the weather had better ideas because I ended up back at the Academy and before I knew it we were becoming friends, and dancing together, and I started to f-"
Asuka coughed uncomfortably for a moment. Her mind was racing, and apparently speaking without a filter. Even her own subconscious questioned where she was leading: What were you about to say?
She took a few breaths to collect herself and continued, "None of this was supposed to happen, Shinji. When I got my failed score, I was devastated. It couldn't be true, I know I did great on the test. So... I lied to you all. And I'm sorry."
No, really, what were you about to say?
Asuka mentally clenched her teeth, ignoring her own mind, "I couldn't go back home, especially after failing the test. I was already trying to avoid Germany as much as possible, and I really, really wanted to spend more time with you. Not just because of this thing, but because I genuinely like you..."
That's not what you were about to say... she heard in a sing-songy voice.
Quiet, you! Asuka snapped at herself.
"Your last secret, then..."
Asuka felt a great relief when Shinji finally spoke. He hadn't left her, he had remained on the line and listened to the entire story. The sliver of hope was growing.
"Yes. My last secret was that I didn't get accepted," she answered the non-question, recalling their date on Mt. Fuji.
"And that's why you said we were running out of time."
God, could you have been any more cryptic?
"Yes. Because I was running out of time..." she continued to ignore her own thoughts.
More silence, but she could hear his slow breathing on the other line. Asuka tried to match her breaths to his, hoping she could feel the same warmth and comfort once again. Instead she was crushed under four stupid words.
"I have to go."
Oh no.
"Shinji, please," she begged through the phone, "please don't go."
No, no, no.
"I'll talk to you later."
No...
And the call was over. Asuka didn't know how long she sat there, staring at nothing but the corner of the room. She didn't know anything anymore, it seemed.
Unfortunately, she was given almost no time to process this information as there was a gentle knock on her door. Asuka tidied herself up as best as possible, straightening her night shirt and wiping her reddened eyes.
"Asuka?" Oz spoke softly through the closed door.
Relieved it wasn't a member of the guest family having discovered her sanctuary, Asuka invited the man in, still doing her best to hide the evidence of her just-ended conversation.
"You're up early," she commented, attempting to deflect from her current emotional state. "Are you always in a suit at six in the morning?"
"No, but the den of Lyons has me at their beck and call, it seems."
Asuka chuckled at the wordplay, but her overall mood was hard to overcome. Oz also picked up on it, and sat down on her bed, turning towards her.
"I heard about Myojo... and about Ikari."
"Of course you did," she sniffled, rolling her red eyes. Her father tells Oz everything, why would she expect these personal matters to remain a secret?
"Why is he forbidding me from going back?" Asuka cried. "I don't- I don't belong here."
"I don't know. It's not my place to discuss that with him. And I think you belong, as do your father and Camille."
She gently leaned her upper body against the man, tears still streaming down her face. Oz had been there through so much and they'd grown quite close since Kaworu's passing. Asuka had yelled at him, cried on him, and cursed him out on many occasions, but he remained by her side every time.
Asuka didn't know much about Oz and his family, but he had been a part of hers since she was very small. He moved into the Langley household after Kyoko's accident, helping to run the Langley Foundation and keeping them all moving forward as best as possible: a difficult task with two reeling adolescents.
"Why can I never find happiness, Oz?" she cried. "Does the Universe hate me that much?"
The man was speechless, instead opting to put his arm around the girl and provide as much comfort as he could. After a moment, he spoke softly, "You know, Asuka, I don't think anyone hates you. How could they?"
"Then why is everything taken from me? First Mama, then Kaworu, and now Sh-" she caught herself, correcting to Myojo Academy as quickly as possible.
"The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fires. I'm certain it's not comforting to hear that now, but you're already one of the toughest people I know."
Asuka remained silent for a moment, the tears drying slowly. She could deal with the pain, the hurt, the loss. She'd dealt with it for years already. But the loneliness was the hardest. She had only really reached out to one person, opened her heart to him, and everything, it seemed, conspired against her.
"I'd rather be happy than tough," Asuka whimpered against the man's arm.
"Wouldn't we all?" Oz responded.
[HIKARI] Hey Asuka, sorry I didn't reply last week, somehow I missed this!
[HIKARI] Shinji is okay, a bit down, maybe? Is everything okay with you guys?
Asuka read the texts over again, unsure of how to respond. If Shinji hadn't told her anything, maybe it was for the best. If they were over, surely Shinji would've mentioned it to his best friend.
Her fingers slowly tapped on her screen, methodically typing and erasing over and over again, searching for the perfect response. Unfortunately, everything sounded inauthentic or conspicuous, and she simply responded:
[ASUKA] No problem, haha!
[ASUKA] He needs a phone so I don't have to go through you!
You'll tell yourself anything to give yourself hope, won't you? her own voice nagged in the back of her mind.
She rolled her eyes at herself as she exited the movie theatre and headed towards the street. Oz awaited in her father's black BMW, eyes transfixed on his phone as always. Asuka turned back to Amy and gave her a brief hug before turning towards the two boys that had accompanied them. She thanked them for the evening before getting in the car and waving goodbye one last time.
"How was your double date?" Oz asked from the front seat, winking at her in the rearview mirror.
"It wasn't a double date," Asuka huffed, buckling her seatbelt. "Amy likes both of them and needed an excuse to take them both out to see how it would go."
"Sounds like a double date, to me."
Asuka ignored his comments and lamented, "I swear, she changes boyfriends more often than she changes clothes."
"Ah, to be fourteen again," Oz chuckled as he drove the car.
"Did you have a lot of girlfriends in your younger years?" she questioned from the backseat.
"What do you think?"
"No." "No," they answered almost simultaneously.
"I was the captain of the chess club."
"Yikes."
"'Yikes', indeed, Asuka."
Oz continued the drive in silence, while Asuka returned to her conversation with Hikari.
[HIKARI] You're telling me. I've tried for years.
She smiled softly at Shinji's stubbornness. Adorable as it may have been, it was quite frustrating as the eight hour time difference between them caused issues in their conversations. Well, it would be if he was speaking to her, at least. Unfortunately, he was avoiding every call she made, and rightfully so.
Their relationship was so young, and with youth comes fragility. Unfortunately Asuka compromised that fragility through her deception.
Continuing her soft deflection of the matters at hand, she texted with Hikari the rest of the ride home, discussing the upcoming semester at Myojo Academy, plans to sightsee in Tokyo, her ability to visit her older sister. Every excited message from the girl arrived with a pang of guilt and sadness for Asuka.
As the car pulled onto the freeway, Asuka bid Hikari farewell with the promise to actually talk on the phone the next time.
[HIKARI] Yes, let's! I'm going to go check the mail again! Bye!
Asuka leaned back against the seat, placing her head against the rest. She made brief eye contact with the driver before piping up, "Hey, Oz?"
"Yes?"
"What do you remember about the MPNST Gala?"
The older man raised his eyebrow, "The one last December? Or, rather, two Decembers ago?"
She nodded her head, nervously.
"It was the Foundation's first joint effort with the Marduk Institute for Cancer Research. And, I believe, it was the first time David met the Ikari family."
Asuka blushed and turned her head, unsuccessfully trying to feign ignorance, "Huh, what, who?"
"Come now," Oz chuckled as he continued to drive. "There's a million families in Japan, and you couldn't have found any other boy?"
Flustered, Asuka could only stare down at her lap, "How did you know?"
"I presumed he's why you were so defensive about your double date, and who you've been texting."
"No... he," she chose her words very carefully, "he doesn't have a cell phone."
"Ah."
"... not that it would matter," she muttered, hoping it was only to herself.
Asuka caught a briefly raised eyebrow in the mirror and realized the thought was heard, "Trouble in paradise?"
She glared at him in the reflection before deflecting, "No. Maybe..."
"Well, it may be for the best, all things considered," Oz's dry response offended the girl: she was not willing to consider it, whatever ludicrous grudge her father may have against the Ikari family.
"Is it that bad?"
"The daughter and Yui were delightful, or at least as delightful as anyone could be under the circumstances they came for," he smiled before his expression soured. "As for Gendo... it may be best to get that story directly from your father. 'Lunatic' has been his preferred term for the man."
Asuka couldn't sink any deeper into the leather seats if she tried. Eventually she asked, "Anything about Shinji...?"
"Honestly, I don't know if I ever heard his name. Your brother may have, he spent a great deal of time with the daughter... Uhh, what was it?"
"Rei."
"Ah, yes," Oz replied with a snap. "They were together quite a bit, which makes sense: they were the only children surrounded by doctors and researchers."
"Don't you think it's strange, though, Oz? That, of all the people I could meet, it would be Shinji?"
"Do you believe in fate, Asuka?"
"Not particularly," she remarked.
"The weird thing about fate is, if you would entertain it, fate doesn't care for coincidence or strangeness. It just does what it's meant to do," Oz spoke softly, eyes focused on the road ahead of him. "Wouldn't it be grand if everything happened for a reason?"
Asuka felt her mood shift to a dark and unforgiving place, "How could I believe that I could lose my mother, brother, and someone else dear to me for a good reason?"
"Do you remember what you said about choosing happiness over toughness?"
She remained silent, anger swelling inside.
"Maybe fate needs you to be tough before you can be happy."
"That's stupid."
"I suppose it is. But fate persists, nonetheless."
The heart monitor beeped softly, the steady pulse a gentle reminder that the body presented before Asuka was in fact still alive. Unfortunately, there was no evidence other than the beeping. Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu remained as still as she had since the day before Kaworu died.
"I used to be so jealous of your hair," Asuka whispered as she brushed what remained of her mother's once luxurious locks; her flowing blonde hair had been trimmed short by the staff. Asuka tried to remain as strong as possible, but tears formed in her eyes as she wished her mother could do the same for her. "And now, I feel like I can barely recognize you..."
After making sure to tidy up both sides of her mother's poorly maintained hair, Asuka sat down next to her on the bed and held a mirror out in front of their faces. Unmoved and unsmiling, Kyoko's void expression depressed her daughter, especially as she caught sight of herself in the reflection.
"I don't even recognize myself..."
Asuka stood from the bed and sat in a chair next to it, double-checking to see that the door was shut so she could converse with her mother in private, "Mama, I messed up. You'd be so disappointed in me...
"I met a boy, a really nice boy. And I lied to him, thinking I could fix everything before it became a problem. But, now I've gone and ruined everything... he won't even talk to me any more."
While Kyoko remained still and silent, Asuka imagined her turning and wiping the tears from her daughter's cheek. She would kiss her gently on the forehead and smile, and all would be right. But Kyoko would do no such thing, which hurt even more.
"I'm all alone, Mama. I can't even get Papa to talk to me, he's so busy with the new baby... Kaworu's gone... and you're..." she stifled a sob. Asuka wanted more than anything to be angry at her mother, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It's not as if the woman chose to ignore her, not like her father had.
"And now Shinji... he's just like me, Mama. He hurts the same way I hurt: he's alone in the same way I'm alone.
"And I went and fucked it all up."
"Language."
Asuka turned and looked at her mother, "Don't give me that."
"I'm still your mother," the blonde woman folded her arms.
"And he's still your son, and he wants to see you before he... before he dies."
"I already told you, I don't want to see him," Kyoko's eyes flickered between anger and confusion.
"And I told you I don't give a shit! You can at least try! Mama, he wants to see you! Don't you want to see your own son?!"
"I don't have a son. I've never had a son. That boy creeps me out."
The young girl turned and swiftly approached her mother, grabbing her face and pulling her close. Pairs of blue eyes met as one bored into the other's.
"'That boy' is Kaworu, and whether you remember or not, he's my brother. And you will speak with him. At least to let him say..." Asuka lost the intensity, breaking her vicious stare with a heavy swallow, "... to let him say..."
The weight was suffocating, her chest refusing to move, her lungs unable to take in air. The word pressed upon her entire being until she spoke it. As the word emerged from her lips, the levy was broken and every ounce of sorrow she felt poured out of her. It was happening, and there was nothing Asuka could do to stop it.
"... goodbye."
Asuka was unaware of how much time had passed as the soft vibration stirred her awake. She'd cried herself to sleep against her mother's hospital bed, leaving a damp spot on the sheets near Kyoko's shoulder.
She looked around quickly, trying to get her bearings, but the vibration continued. Eventually grabbing her phone off of the side-table and answering it.
"Hallo?" Asuka did her best to avoid sounding groggy. Unsure if she was heard, Asuka spoke louder the second time, "Hallo?"
"Hey, Asuka... It's Shinji..." his voice was music to her ears, and she immediately perked up, instantly shaking any drowsiness off of her.
"Shinji?!" Her excited reply was louder than she anticipated, and Asuka instinctively looked at her mother. Kyoko remained undisturbed, her unfocused eyes still staring straight at the ceiling: lifeless and distant. The girl's heart was heavy, and she was unaware of who her next words were really for: "I miss you."
"I miss you, too, Asuka," his voice was dry and nervous. "I think- no, I know... Asuka, I want to come see you."
The redhead watched the sky outside the window and felt herself warm from the thought. How she'd love for him to be there, to introduce him to Amy and Oz, and try and correct whatever bad impression was left by the Ikaris previously.
Asuka spotted her father pulling up out front of the care center and unconsciously frowned, "I... I don't think that's a good idea right now..."
"But... why?"
The two words crushed her as she truly didn't have an answer for him. But her fear of him misinterpreting it as more lies weighed on her conscience. "It's a long story, and I don't have all the details right now. But, suffice to say, you wouldn't be welcomed here... Not by my father, at least."
"Fathers..." Shinji replied.
"'Fathers'? Plural? What happened with yours?" Asuka asked, still watching David Langley from the window. He was on the phone, stalling his entrance to the building. Poor timing on his part, but she hoped his call would grant her a little longer.
"You don't want to know," he replied, his fist slowly opening.
Asuka rolled her eyes, How bad could it really be? "I do, Shinji. I want you to tell me."
He sighed the deepest of sighs, surely whatever happened weighed on him greatly, "He's teaching at Myojo Academy."
"You're kidding."
Shinji forced out a laugh, the most sarcastic she'd ever heard the usually reserved boy, "I wish."
She could hardly believe it, "Are you sure it's him?"
"There's a staff book, and his face is there, clear as day. And get this, he's changed his name-"
"Maybe he had a brother?" Asuka tried to interject. But Shinji's completed sentence brought a chill up her spine.
"- to Gendo Ayanami."
She had stopped speaking, but her mouth remained slack. Unable to think of a useful response, she simply watched her father out the window, still on his phone.
"Mother is furious. And Hikari's confused. And... I'm scared, Asuka," Shinji's tone had weakened: fear and uncertainty had taken hold of him. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
She wished she could hug the boy through the phone, to try and provide him some sense of comfort, but Asuka knew she had been a source of enough pain and confusion that it was likely a bad idea.
"Wow," was all Asuka could get out.
Very comforting. Some girlfriend, she thought. Her own self-doubt was worsened by the increased silence on the line. You really fixed that.
After a few moments, Asuka chose to break the silence, "Shinji?"
"I wish I could see you, Asuka. You'd know what to do."
"I wish," Asuka sighed. She didn't even know where they stood as a couple, how could she help him decide what to do about school? "Are you really gonna let that bastard run you out of Tokyo?"
"I don't know. Rei's gone, and you're not going," the comment immediately saddened Asuka, "so why should I go?"
He's got a point, she thought. But are you really going to let him throw his life away? You've already messed it up enough... do the right thing, Asuka.
"Because you made a promise, and my Shinji keeps his promises."
"'Your Shinji'?"
Asuka swallowed, taking her mother's hand for strength. If anyone in Germany could protect her, she was certain Kyoko could. "Of course. You're mine until I say you aren't... unless, you don't forgive me..."
She was certain she felt the older woman's hand squeeze hers reassuringly, but when the girl checked, Kyoko's hands remained unmoved, fingers straight and immobile. The imaginary comfort was enough, and Asuka knew she had to ask for forgiveness: Shinji was on the phone now, there was no other time.
"Shinji, I messed up, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I found something that makes me happy for the first time in what feels like forever, and I held on so tightly that I hurt it."
Asuka's tears were again running down her face, and she watched as her father hung up the phone and approached the building.
"Maybe you going to Myojo is for the best: a chance to start without the baggage of someone like me," she joked. It wasn't an honest joke, she couldn't bear to face him actually dumping her.
"Asuka, I still don't know what I want to do about Myojo. That's the truth. There's a lot that I don't know right now. But I do know one thing: I want to be with you."
She was speechless, her mouth paralyzed out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Shinji was offering a lifeline and Asuka wanted to reach out and accept, but deep down she felt as though she couldn't: she didn't deserve it.
Don't you dare! Her inner monologue scolded her for allowing doubt to creep in. He's offering you another shot!
"Even though-" she meekly began.
Oh Asuka, you're so stupid.
But Shinji interrupted her, "Yes. I'm over it: I forgive you."
Asuka gasped and her phone slipped out of her hand. As she picked it up off the bed, the door opened slightly and David looked in.
"It's time to go, Asuka," he spoke calmly. Had he paid even the slightest attention to the occupants of the room at all, he would see his daughter's red puffy eyes, but the distant man didn't even take the time to address the mother of his children lying in the room.
"Yes, father. Just let me say goodbye," she responded, hiding her phone just below her waist.
"Don't take too long, I'd like to visit Camille tonight."
Asuka nodded and turned to her mother, waiting for David to close the door. She quickly put her phone back to her ear, "I- I have to go, Shinji. I'll call you later, okay?"
"You can text me on this number, I have a cell phone."
His sincerity made her giggle. Shinji had given her another chance, and she would be the best girlfriend she could, "Welcome to the twenty-first century, Shinji Ikari. I'll text you. Bye."
After hanging up the phone, Asuka looked at Kyoko, hoping to see a glimmer of a smile on her face. While the catatonic woman was unmoved, Asuka was certain she would be happy for her daughter. Asuka kissed her on the forehead and bade her farewell, stopping just before opening the door to her father.
The young girl smiled to herself, feeling relief for the first time since she'd left Myojo Academy. Her secret was out, her lie forgiven, he knew her past: and he still wanted to be with her. Maybe she could be happy after all, even if it were long-distance.
She pulled her phone back out and typed a brief message to her now modernized boyfriend:
[ASUKA] Thank you.
Asuka silently followed her father out of the long-term care home and sat in the backseat. Being the first alone time she'd had with her parent since she returned, Asuka found herself increasingly uncomfortable. David had already been quite distant after Kyoko's accident, and Kaworu's passing only worsened the effect.
She wished to avoid conversing with him, to avoid even acknowledging the role he had since neglected. Unfortunately, David Langley was Asuka's only chance at ever returning to Japan, lest she chose to run away. And she found herself starting that painful process by again bringing up the root of the matter.
"Father, what happened with the Ikaris?"
David gripped the steering wheel firmly and frowned in the rearview mirror, "Asuka, could we not talk about that?"
"I just... Shinji and Yui are so nice, and I can't imagine-"
He sighed, exasperated, "Yui was never the problem, nor Rei. And I never met Shinji, but I never heard a bad word spoken about him.
"Gendo, on the other hand," David's knuckles whitened under the pressure on the vehicle. "It's best we don't ever speak about him."
Asuka felt a chill run down her spine at her father's tone. Gendo Ikari sure had a way of leaving an impression on everyone. "Father-"
"You know, you used to call me 'Papa'."
It wasn't as much a request as it was an observation. The chasm between father and daughter had become too great, with neither wanting to make any effort at closing the gap. The Langley's were proud and stubborn, a dangerous combination.
"And you used to call me 'Assy'. It looks like we both grew out of it," Asuka's retort was cold, her attention still held outside the car. She knew being so blunt with her father was unlikely to win her any sympathy, but she was growing desperate, and with desperation comes frustration.
She balled her hands in her lap, trying to gather strength, "Whatever happened with Gendo, you know that's not Shinji's fault," she meekly whispered.
"Sins of the father," David exhaled heavily. "I don't want you anywhere near that man."
"They haven't even spoken since Rei died," Asuka retorted, louder.
"And that's probably in everyone's best interest."
"But what about me? What about my happiness?"
"I care very much for you. But enough-"
"Father-" she tried to plead, but was shut down.
"Enough, Asuka. Enough."
And the conversation was over. She glared at the back of her father's head for a moment, but eventually lost herself in the sad realization that thousands of miles remained between Asuka and Shinji, and as the car drove west, the gap was widening.
Asuka stood at the kitchen sink, reading over a recipe book as she began assembling ingredients for dinner. She gladly accepted the workload provided by the guest family as it kept her preoccupied enough to ignore the Shinji-sized hole left in her chest.
In the last thirteen days, Shinji had decided to face his father, fulfill his promise to attend Myojo Academy, and was rewarded with a new song, while Asuka was left to seemingly fend for herself in the presence of her father, the Lyon family, and the chaos of Camille and the new baby girl remaining at the hospital for the time being.
Weighed down by a heavy blanket of loneliness, Asuka smiled to herself as she recalled his last promise:
'I promise you we'll be together again... soon.'
"What are you smiling at?" Amy asked with an elbow to the ribs.
"Nothing," she blushed.
Amy had come over for a sleepover, granting Asuka some respite from the currently chaotic household. While obviously not preferable to having Shinji over, the blonde girl could distract her enough to survive another weekend in Germany.
"I know that smile," Amy teased. "That's a 'boy' smile."
"Is not!" Asuka protested, trying as much to convince herself and her best friend.
"Well, we're about to find out," Ozvaldo interrupted, greeting the teen girls. "Asuka, Amy."
"What's that supposed to mean, Oz?" asked Asuka, ignoring Amy making eyes at the gentleman.
"You have a package."
Oz handed her a small, brown box, addressed to the German girl, originating from Japan.
Asuka's mouth fell open and she gasped, searching for a knife to cut open the mysterious gift. As she peeled back the flaps, she discovered a note resting on top of a carefully wrapped silver rectangle.
"Asuka,
If I can't be with you right now, I figured
the least I could do is send you my heart.
Take care of it: it belongs to you now.
- Shinji
P.S. Are you familiar with the Montagues
and Capulets?"
"Baka," she whispered softly, clutching the letter to her chest.
"What does it say? Let me see!" Amy grabbed at the piece of paper, which Asuka released. "I can't read it! Is this from Shinji?"
Asuka nodded, her cheeks flushing.
"Perhaps the contents are only meant for Asuka," Oz suggested.
"Oh come on!" the blonde protested.
"Oz, Shinji mentioned the 'Montagues and Capulets': why are those names so familiar?" the redhead asked, reading back over the short note.
"Like from Romeo & Juliet?" Amy answered for him. She immediately drew her hands to her chest, "Oh my god, did he quote Shakespeare?! That's so romantic!"
Asuka flushed slightly, but ignored the connotations. Shinji hadn't quoted the famous work, he'd simply mentioned the warring families...
Oh.
She stood in silence for a moment, collecting herself, before asking Oz, "Where is my father?"
"He was at the hospital with Camille and baby Ava," the man responded, also having understood the implication of the message. "But he should be back soon. And I'll make sure to find you some time to speak with him."
"Thank you, Oz."
Amy's eyes darted back and forth between Asuka and Oz, unsure of what had just occurred. Shrugging her shoulders, she reached into the box and removed its contents.
"It's a... tape player?" she asked, unrolling the earphones.
Asuka dashed over, snatching the precariously handled SDAT player from her friend's hands, "Careful with that!"
"Jeez, calm down," Amy held her hands up in gentle protest. "I was just looking at it. What is it?"
"It's, it's his SDAT player," she responded, clutching it to her chest. "It's his most prized possession, and... and he..."
"Oh my god, that is so romantic!"
"I need a minute," Asuka said, holding in her tears.
"Asuka, is everything okay?"
Oz gently led the teen away with a hand on her back, leaving Asuka alone in the kitchen, "We still need a few more things out of the pantry..."
She pulled out her phone and walked to the back patio. She sat down at the table in the cold Brandenburg evening and messaged her boyfriend.
[ASUKA] I can't believe you did this.
The lovestruck girl smiled as she imagined Shinji receiving his text.
[SHINJI] You got it?
[ASUKA] Duh.
[ASUKA] But why? It means so much to you.
Asuka sat quietly for a moment and collected herself enough to head back inside. As she entered the kitchen, her phone buzzed one last time:
[SHINJI] You mean a lot to me, too.
"Baka," she muttered under her breath with a smile.
"There's that word again, what does that mean?" Amy interrupted her thought.
"It, uh, it means 'idiot' or 'stupid'," she answered, blushing.
"That's not very romantic."
"Feeling better, Asuka?" Oz chimed in.
"Yeah, yes. Thank you."
"Good. Your father's home."
"Shit," Asuka cursed. "Amy, I need to go again."
The blonde rolled her green eyes before batting them at Oz, "That's fine, I'll keep myself busy with this dreamboat."
Showing no reaction at all, the man quipped back, "You couldn't handle this, Miss Von Blume. I am intense, like a fire."
Asuka sighed as Amy giggled, quickly making her way from the kitchen. She searched the house, room for room, before finding David in the wet room, removing his winter coat and boots while still on his phone.
Isolated and alone, Asuka decided now would be her best opportunity to find out what happened.
Montagues and Capulets, she coached herself.
"Father," she spoke as soon as he ended the call.
Hanging his heavy coat and scarf, the man frowned slightly as he was cut off by his daughter, "Asuka..."
"I want to know what happened with Gendo Ikari," Asuka demanded, hands on her hips.
David sighed, sitting back down on the bench, "I just got home, Asuka. Could we not?"
But she knew taking advantage of his exhaustion was her best hope. Now or never.
"What happened?"
The older man sighed again. She was certain she would get nowhere, but miraculously he answered, "Rei died sometime around when Kaworu did. I don't know exactly when."
His strong, stubbled jaw was usually adorned with a stoic expression: David did not like to concern himself with emotions. In the business of head trauma and, later, cancer, emotions ran rampant and the neurosurgeon made sure to keep himself level in the best interest of the patient and the Foundation. But today, in this moment, his façade cracked, the story much more personal than Asuka could've predicted.
"Well, one day, Gendo Ikari showed up out of the blue. Just walked into my office, drunk as hell, shouting about how I killed his daughter, about how he could've saved her, about how..." Asuka heard her father sniffle, but couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes. "... how I deserved to lose Kaworu because I wouldn't listen to him..."
"Listen to him about what?" Asuka struggled to hear the pained man. This was harder than she expected.
"Some crackpot science. He was working on something crazy, some fringe biology shit- sorry," he apologized for the language. "He first emailed me a few weeks after Yui and Rei came to the MPNST Gala. I entertained it for about two paragraphs, but there was nothing behind it, just the ramblings of a lunatic.
"But here he was, in my office, a week after my son had passed, telling me I deserved it?"
Asuka cringed as she forced herself to ask the obvious, "What happened?"
"I punched that son of a bitch in the face and threw him out of the building. Sorry again," he apologized before continuing. "I should've had him arrested, but I was sympathetic: he, too, had lost a child.
"Though it appears sympathy is for the weak."
David Langley was a small mountain of a man, tall and strong, his barrel chest and broad shoulders would never indicate to anyone that he was a doctor. It was often joked among his colleagues that his large hands couldn't possibly handle anything as delicate as neurosurgery.
And here he was, reduced to nothing more than a small pile of sand: broken and moveable, stirred by even the lightest of breezes. He sat on the bench in the wet room, weary head carried in his hand, unable to confront the tiny fourteen year-old girl that stood before him.
"I- I had no idea," was all the girl could say. She was broken, too.
"No one does. It's not my proudest moment," he sighed. "But now you know."
Asuka took one last deep breath, "Shinji and Yui lost someone, too, Father... like we did."
"I don't care."
The words knocked the wind out of the girl and she stumbled backwards, "Father..."
"Go back to your friend, Asuka."
In the weeks since her last conversation with her father, Asuka felt like the loneliest girl in the Universe. Sitting in quiet contemplation on her bed, she drew her knees to her chest and sighed, listening as the SDAT looped back to the beginning.
Her father had expertly avoided the girl since the confrontation in the wet room, and she found herself withdrawing from everything but Shinji. Asuka's hope dangled precariously from a thin line between hers and the boy in Otsuki, but the brief conversations and intermittent text messages weren't enough.
She knew what she had to do, but now, moments before putting the plan to action, the fear gripped her. The lonely teen turned to the SDAT to feel the connection again.
Less than two weeks remained until the Myojo Academy semester started, and she was no closer to finding a way in. Asuka could feel her grip on Shinji loosening, pried at by thousands of tiny hands between them: the distance was too great, especially for someone so young.
There were hardly any tears left for her to cry, it seemed. She floated in an endless sea of anxiety as wave after wave crashed over her, too exhausted to fight them. Treading water for what felt like forever, Asuka needed to make a choice and swim.
There was no land visible, no sense of direction. She could choose incorrectly and drown, and that uncertainty anchored her to the spot.
Her love and her happiness were thousands of miles away, and while she could run to him, what would she do about her life in Germany? It wasn't as if she truly hated anyone here, she just preferred to be in Japan.
Knowing that the only chance of rescue remained downstairs, Asuka swung her legs off of the bed and stood. Kissing the SDAT player for strength, she removed the earphones and nervously made her way to the kitchen, where she found her father sipping a mug of late night coffee.
"Father, I want to talk to you about Myojo Academy."
Asuka had worked through the argument in her head and rehearsed it multiple times: twice in the shower, once as she got dressed, and the final time while she listened to the music player.
It was a simple plan of attack: state her case on why she wanted to return to Japan and attend the prestigious school. Starting with her promise to her late brother, she would continue with her desire to embrace more of the Japanese culture she was no longer able to without her mother. The friends at Myojo would add to the argument, but she would finish with Kaworu's letter.
David Langley took his glasses off and rubbed his temples before looking at his daughter, "Asuka, I-"
"Please, father, I need you to listen. This is really important to me. And I need it to be important to you, too."
The older man sighed and fully turned to the younger girl, physically opening himself to her. "I'm listening."
Start with the promise to Kaworu.
"Kaw- Kaworu-" she sucked air for a moment, holding in tears. Wow, this is going to be harder than I thought. Asuka forcefully exhaled before starting over, "Before Kaworu passed away, we made a promise: to attend Myojo Academy together."
Strong start, keep it going.
"I didn't know," another gasp, the tears were getting harder to contain, "I didn't know that he wasn't going to make it. That, Kaworu- he- but he did. He knew."
Don't lose sight, keep it together.
"He knew he wouldn't attend. I found the admission forms: he only filled one out for me..."
David shifted uncomfortably at the table, still watching Asuka's bright blue eyes dim under her tears, "Asuka..."
"Please, please just give me a second," she pleaded through sniffles. Asuka grabbed a tissue and blew her nose, attempting to regain control of her emotions. She wanted this so badly, it had to happen.
"Father, I want to honor that promise. I want to. Kaworu and I were supposed to rebuild there: we were going to start over, to fix our relationship. You saw how bad it was after Mama's accident.
"I still want to go. It's like that part of Kaworu never left me, and I want to meet him there."
Good, perfect. Now, after Kaworu is Mama.
"And Myojo is in Tokyo, not too far from Mama's hometown. You know I've never been there, and now..." the tears were building up again, "... she can't go. But I want to go for her. To see what her childhood was like."
"Asu-"
"Please, let me finish, father! And, and I made friends! Actual friends there!" she was crying again, fighting to get the words out. "Other than Amy, do you know how few friends I have here?! In Japan they know me and like me! Here they only think of me as the rich girl with the dead brother and almost-dead mother!"
"Asuka, listen-"
"No, father, I have one last thing!" Asuka pulled the hastily folded printout out of her back pocket and held it out, hands shaking. "It's an email from Kaworu. I found it in his outbox:
"A -
Tokyo Station:
Marunouchi Line to Myojo Academy.
Dec 27. 10:10am.
I've already purchased the tickets.
A new start.
- Kaworu"
The tears were freely flowing now. It had just hit her that he died before sending the message. Kaworu had gone all the way through to purchasing her plane and subway tickets. He had done everything to ensure his sister fulfilled her promise, and had written an email to remind her, but succumbed to his disease before he could send it.
Asuka's father had stood and approached her before she realized it. He placed his large hands on her small shoulders and kissed the top of her head.
"Father..." she tried to plead, but could feel herself losing the battle.
Pull yourself together, Asuka! You're going to lose this!
David sighed, speaking softly, "'Father'... what happened to us...?"
"I... I..."
"I don't know what you think I can do about this. If you didn't pass the entry exam, then they won't let you attend."
Asuka's grasp was slipping. She watched as everything she wanted grew increasingly distant, blurring as it became too far to focus on. She had chosen the wrong shore, and was going to drown.
No... no... I'm losing Kaworu...
"But Father, I want to go so badly... I want to reconnect with Kaworu..."
I'm losing Mama...
"I want to get to know Mama better..."
I'm losing Hikari, Mana, Keita, Musashi...
"Father, I want to go back to my friends, please!"
"Asuka..."
I'm losing Shinji.
Her heart was broken, the tears now pouring out of her eyes. Asuka couldn't bear that last thought. She buried her head in her father's chest as the sadness overwhelmed her. The thought echoed in her mind over and over again, ringing louder and louder instead of quieter. Torturous, she was reminded that she was losing Shinji.
I'm losing Shinji.
Softly, like a small child, she completed her list of wants, already aware of the futility. But she had to tell him. He had to know her last want.
"Papa, I need-"
Asuka stopped herself, the tears drying as her eyes went wide. Her expression was hidden deep within the chest of her father, and she was glad for it.
'Need'?
After a few minutes of the silent embrace, David slowly backed away from his daughter, his hands on her shoulders.
He sighed heavily and turned away from his daughter, "I have to make a call."
Thankfully he had not seen Asuka's confused expression as her head hung. He had not noticed the change in verbiage used. He had not known the subject of her last request. But Asuka did, and it scared her.
To want something so desperately that it becomes greater than a simple desire. Somehow he had become essential, he had become everything. Without her brother, without her mother, Asuka clung to the only lifesaver available.
Asuka turned on her heels and slowly padded up the stairs, back to her bedroom. She sat silently on her bed, mindlessly picking up the SDAT player and putting the earphones in.
'Need'?
Sitting on the bed, SDAT playing, Asuka picked up her cell phone and texted Shinji. It would be early for him, almost 4:00 am, but she hoped he would answer.
[ASUKA] Are you awake?
She laid back on the bed watching the ceiling. The music had continued and now Shinji's newest track had appeared. A song about drowning out the world with music, how fitting, she thought.
Her subconscious caught her hanging out introspectively, and the young girl began to talk to herself.
'Need'?
I don't know, it just came out.
But you do know.
The thought frightened her: Asuka did indeed know what she needed. An absurd idea for a fourteen year-old girl to have, but Shinji was more than a want, a desire, an infatuation. There was a connection between the two that couldn't be denied.
Ignoring the mystery of the SDAT, Shinji was the first person she felt she could truly be open and honest with.
'Open and honest'? Like you have been?
Her own mind was especially fierce this evening, but it was deserved. She had done everything wrong and no matter the reasoning behind it, Asuka had deceived Shinji from the very beginning. Of course the Universe would punish that, it was fitting.
[ASUKA] I was hoping I could talk to you.
She set the phone back down as the music clicked back over, rewinding to the beginning. As each track played out, Asuka closed her eyes and recalled each song's mysterious appearance.
She could feel Shinji's hand in hers, pulling her from the subway car.
His shoulder brushing against hers in the cafeteria, and his smile and blush as they locked eyes.
The spark when they both held the pencil in the library, and a glimpse of being his classmate.
The warmth of his body pressed against hers, trying to connect in the powerless dorm room.
The feeling of his lips against hers, his hands pulling her face close to him.
The weight lifted off of her chest as she bore her soul to him, letting him see a part of her she had never revealed to anyone before.
And finally she could hear the resonance of his cello, singing to her, his own heart poured into performing just for her.
[ASUKA] Shinji
Her fingers hesitated on the phone. She had sent naught but his name, no message attached. What was she trying to say? What should she tell him? He would likely find these messages when he awoke. But how could she tell him what she felt?
[ASUKA] I'm so lonely out here.
[ASUKA] I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
[ASUKA unsent] I
The cursor blinked, the message still unsent. The music had returned to the final track, her thumbs still frozen in place. As the lyrics to the song drove through her, she smiled, imagining Shinji smiling as he heard it as well.
The word lingered on the screen, taunting her. As if to say, "What are you going to say? Can you say it? Do you have the strength to say it?"
Asuka closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 'The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fires', huh? Let's see how strong I am...
[ASUKA] I need you.
As soon as she pressed the SEND button, the SDAT clicked over. She had bore her soul once more, and the Universe approved:
And I- I tend to be my own worst enemy
And I- I linger on everything
But I find when I'm alone it gets so hard to breathe
And I- I, and I
Shouldn't apologize for just existing
Shouldn't apologize for just being me
Trying to hide behind all my distractions
Okay 'til the quiet comes
When it all dies down, it gets so loud
All the voices in my head
Just trying to fill me up with doubt
I'm learning how to turn around
All the voices in my head
I think I found my favorite sound
I think I found my favorite sound
Oh, I think I found my favorite sound
Do you take the time to recognize yourself
Do you spin like a carousel
I want you to know that it's okay to ask for help
We all need help, we all need help
Shouldn't apologize for just existing
Shouldn't apologize for just being me
Trying to hide behind all my distractions
Okay when the quiet comes
When it all dies down, it gets so loud
All the voices in my head
Just trying to fill me up with doubt
I'm learning how to turn around
All the voices in my head
I think I found my favorite sound
I think I found my favorite sound
Oh, I think I found my favorite sound
I think I found my favorite sound
Oh, I think I found my favorite sound
Embrace the silence
Trying to find this feeling that I'm doing okay
I'm my own project, a work in progress
I know I'm better than okay
As the song came to a close, Asuka's eyes slowly opened, a gentle smile creeping across her face. The closing thoughts resonated with her, and she felt a weight lifted off of her shoulders.
Grabbing her phone, she sent a final message to Shinji before getting ready for bed.
[ASUKA] Thank you for everything.
[OZ] Your father is looking for you.
Asuka's blood went cold. She reread the message several times, afraid of the implications. It had been three days since her last ditch effort to convince her father to let her return to Japan, and he'd avoided her ever since. The man held a grudge like no other, and Gendo Ikari ensured she'd be spending her remaining years in Germany at best, and possibly in the United States at worst.
The only comfort she had came in the form of Shinji's SDAT player, the newest entry surprising the both of them. Were they really expected to send the device back and forth?
Sounds a bit ridiculous, she sighed.
[ASUKA] Where is he?
She fired back a response before hopping off of her bed and exiting the room. Removing the earphones of the SDAT, she left the music player on her bed, lest it become a point of contention in whatever was about to happen. Asuka stopped in her room's threshold to read Oz's short answer.
[OZ] Office.
Shit, she silently cursed: Asuka loathed her father's office. It always felt so clinical, like she wasn't speaking to her flesh and blood but were speaking to a disappointed executive. Maybe that was the point.
Knocking on the door to the unnecessarily large room, Asuka jumped when it opened partially and Oz shimmied his way out. He pulled the door shut and made eye contact with the girl, putting on a half smile instead of speaking.
"What's that supposed to mean?!" she angrily whispered.
Oz shrugged, still half-smiling, "I have no idea what's going on. He hasn't told me anything, but..."
"'But' what?"
Any trace of a smile was gone, instead the man's usually calm eyes were hidden behind the reflection of his glasses. But Asuka knew something was amiss, "'But' what, Oz?"
"He asked me to... to," he hesitated, his voice cracking. A short sniffle and throat clearing was all anyone different would see, but Asuka recognized it as damn-near a complete emotional collapse from the man. Oz was anything but emotionless, but his calmness had been a defining trait.
"Ozvaldo, please..." she practically begged.
He cleared his throat one last time and finished his thought before leaving the speechless girl at the door, "He asked me to pack your things. Excuse me, Asuka."
Asuka wasn't sure how long she stood in the hallway. Nor was she sure of when exactly she reached for the door and opened it. Or what happened to get her standing in front of her father's desk. All she knew was she made it in, somehow.
On his desk were several papers, a passport, and boarding passes. Please no...
"Are you really that unhappy here?"
His gravelly voice usually rattled the windows of the large office, but there was no power behind it today. Trace amounts of sadness could be heard, a remarkable amount coming from the usually stoic man.
Asuka's eyes began to water, unsure of how to answer the question. For the first time since the death of her brother, she opted for honesty with her father: "I'm lonely, Papa..."
The words caught the man off guard, and he sat back against his chair, nearly sucking wind. "How?"
The girl was small in front of the bear of a man, reduced to nothing but her grated heart at this very moment, "Mama's gone. Kaworu's dead. I never see you. Camille's busy with the new baby. I have two friends here: Oz and Amy. Two."
Her father was silent, intently listening to his daughter.
"You moved on from Mama, and now, with Ava, it feels like... like you've moved on from Kaworu and me..."
"Asuka, that couldn't be any further from the truth," David responded with a sigh.
She countered quickly, "When's my birthday?"
"Excuse me?"
"When is my birthday?"
His response was curt and dismissive, "I hardly know how this is relevant, but it's December 4."
"So you do remember?"
"I'm not going to sit here and listen to this attit-"
Asuka interrupted him with a fierce jab, "Because you and Camille were in Mallorca for my birthday."
He was silent, stunned. Asuka watched the gears spin in her father's head until he spoke, softly again, "I-" he sighed, "I'm sorry. It was our first vacation since- since Kaworu died. Camille and I wanted to get away. I don't think anyone kept track of time there... everything since July has been..."
"... lonely?" she tried to complete his thought.
David nodded, his eyes softening.
"I know, Papa. Oz and I went out to dinner with Amy. That was it. That was my fourteenth birthday... my first birthday without... without..." Asuka couldn't complete the thought, the tears had begun to pour down her cheeks.
The crying teen's vision had been so blurred she found herself surprised when a pair of large arms wrapped themselves around her, pulling her close to the man's chest. It may have been the first sincere hug she'd received from her father since Kaworu died, but Asuka found the thought irrelevant. Instead, she simply chose to melt into the embrace.
After a few moments, David kissed the top of her head and asked softly, "Do you really think you'll be happier in Japan?"
The thought alone gave her hope, and she nodded against her father. Japan was a chance to start over, a chance to rebuild herself, and a chance to choose happiness, "Yes..."
Asuka and David stood embraced for some time, no longer speaking. Occasionally, he would kiss the top of his daughter's head, but he would repeatedly settle back into enjoying the hug with his child.
When her father finally spoke, she could feel the deep rumble of his voice vibrating in his chest, "I, I made a few calls, and reached out to some people..."
Asuka pushed herself back slowly, her eyes widening with hope as she watched her father speak.
"And, with some convincing, and," he sighed and smirked, "a generous donation from the Langley Foundation, I was able to get you in to the Academy."
"Papa..." she squeaked out, hands clasped at her chest. She couldn't believe it.
"I've asked Ozvaldo to pack some of your things, but you'll need to pack your clothes," David turned and picked the items off of his desk, smiling as he gave them to the ecstatic young woman before him. "You only have a week before you're supposed to report, so let us know whatever else you'll need and we'll go shopping."
Asuka launched herself into her father's arms again, new tears streaming down her face, but of joy instead of sorrow. "Thank you," she whispered. "I love you..."
He gently lifted her chin and kissed her forehead before making direct eye contact, "I am allowing this under one condition: if you ever encounter Gendo Ikari, you stay away from him and inform me immediately."
Asuka nodded.
"I mean it."
"Yes, Papa," she assured him as she left the office.
Racing at full-tilt up the stairs to her bedroom, Asuka pulled her phone back out and began to dial Shinji's phone number. But her eye was drawn to the date displayed at the top of the screen, and she cleared the entry, instead dialing another.
When the recipient answered, Asuka spoke with a devilish smirk, "Hey, Hikari. I need your help planning something."
Song: "Favorite Sound" by Audien & Echosmith
