Asuka Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 12: And Reach Out Your Hand
"She really said that?"
"In a text, but... yeah."
"When?"
"Uhh," Shinji hesitated. The truth was not ideal for many reasons, but keeping a secret from his best friend was one of the worst. Unfortunately, too much time had passed and Shinji was lost for words and actions. He needed help, and Hikari was his best bet. "Back when she was in Germany. Before she came here."
After a moment, Hikari snapped her head in the boy's direction and she smacked him on his upper arm, forcefully whispering, "Over a month ago?!"
He could only blush sheepishly and give a little nod. Fortunately, a coughing fit hid his lack of answer, perfectly timed to deflect from his deception.
"And you didn't tell me?!"
Again Shinji nodded, wishing for another distraction. They were alone in the living room of Asuka's dorm apartment while all the permanent residents were holed up in their own rooms: Asuka checking in with her father, Mari and Mayumi behind their own closed doors. Even with the relative privacy between them and the furniture, they spoke in quiet tones considering the delicate topic.
Hikari was right to be upset: over a month had passed since Shinji read that text on an early morning back in Otsuki. He and Asuka had been reunited and experienced so much in that time that there was an empty hope that the explanation would present itself of its own volition. However, in the month since the inexplicable brawl in the alleyway, Asuka had become increasingly withdrawn.
Little mysteries, like the SDAT's sudden appearance in downtown Tokyo, had resolved themselves, but Asuka's personality shift since that day left Shinji deeply concerned for not only their relationship status, but for the girl herself. Deep down, he was still clinging to those words, frightened that her mood change meant more than what was on the surface. That maybe she didn't need him.
"'I need you'," Hikari fell into the couch with an exaggerated motion, seemingly weighed down by the conversation. "Wow, Shinji, this is a lot."
"I know," he whispered back. "Does it count if it was in a text?"
It didn't feel like the smartest question Shinji could ask, or even the most pressing detail to lament, but he'd never dealt in... whatever this was. He'd run it over in his head a thousand times, heart fluttering every time he laid his eyes on the words, but the subject remained completely unapproachable at the moment, which is why he turned to Hikari.
"You usually don't keep secrets from me," Hikari's hushed conversation continued, ignoring his question.
"Well," Shinji gulped, "I wasn't keeping it from you. I just... wanted to see what would happen."
"Has anything?"
"No."
"Have you talked about it?"
Shinji shook his head, "No. And I wouldn't know how to bring it up."
"Has she said anything else?"
"What do you mean?" he asked naively.
"You know: has she said anything more?"
The confusion remained. "'More'?" he repeated.
"You're hopeless, Shinji," Hikari's whisper was slipping, growing uncomfortably loud in the boy's anxious mind. "Has she said she lo-"
Eyes nearly exploding out of his skull, Shinji frantically waved his hands between them and shushed her forcefully, "Shh! No, nothing like that."
A sudden silence fell over the room while he scanned for evidence of an eavesdropper. It was one thing to discuss this with his best friend, but to have someone else unwittingly insert themselves into this matter, Shinji couldn't handle the thought.
"Well," Hikari paused, dropping her tone, "do you?"
"Do I?"
She rubbed her temples and sighed, muttering under her breath, "Rei, this was supposed to be your job. Why am I the one doing this?"
Shinji was quiet, considering how he'd even try to approach this relationship with his sister had she still been around. He smiled for a moment, thankful to still at least have Hikari by his side: something told him deep down that Rei wouldn't approve of Asuka.
"Do you, you know," Hikari redirected to Shinji, "feel that way about Asuka?"
Sitting on the arm of the couch, Shinji turned towards Asuka's closed door and stared, practically able to see her pacing back and forth in her room, talking animatedly on the phone. He certainly was attracted to her, and he enjoyed her company, but that one word had lingered for several months, even before the fated text message; a word carelessly planted by his own mother, of all people.
"I... I..." Shinji kept stumbling over his words, "there's... I don't know. I want to, but it feels like there's something..."
"'Something'? 'Something' sounds like a bad thing," Hikari had turned towards the boy who was still staring at the closed door.
"No, no. Maybe. It's something... different. It's hard to explain."
"So, it's not a problem?"
"I don't think so. Just, there's something between us that I can't describe: I can feel it, and I'm sure she can, too," Shinji explained, still staring in the same direction as before. "Sometimes it feels like it's drawing us together, other times it feels like it's pushing us apart."
"Huh?"
"It's like, it's kind of like a wall."
It was Hikari's turn to wear the puzzled expression, "'A wall'?"
"I know it's weird. But," he elaborated, "sometimes I feel like there's an opening in the wall, inviting me in, and sometimes there isn't, and I have to go over it. But other times it feels like it's infinitely high and infinitely thick, and there's nothing I can do."
Shinji had lost focus on Asuka's door, his mind trying to make sense of the current topic. "The wall is always there, but sometimes it's more accessible."
"And now?"
Recalling the hot and cold moments of the last few weeks, he sighed in defeat, still staring in the same general direction, unfocused on anything particular, "Impenetrable. It's somehow gotten worse since..."
He trailed on the line of thought. Hikari was around for the fight in the alleyway, but he tried to bring it up as little as possible. Where he and Asuka could hardly explain to themselves what had occurred, explaining to anyone else had proven nearly impossible.
Hikari slumped back against the couch, now watching out the open window, "How do two fourteen year-olds make love so complicated?"
The word snapped Shinji out of his trance and he looked at Hikari, "I didn't say 'love'."
She looked up at him with a questioning eyebrow, "You didn't have to."
Shinji thought it over again, remembering the frosty air in Otsuki while he whispered 'love' to the void. The clouded sky refused to answer him, but it wasn't much later that Asuka told him she needed him. Was that the same thing? He wished it so, but her emotions had become as veiled as the stars that night, barely readable beyond a faint break in the coverage. Maybe that was all the answer he would get without going directly to her.
The friends sat in silence for a few moments, unsure of what to say next. Thankfully, Hikari stood after lightly slapping Shinji's thigh, ushering them into the next step for the evening, "Hey, it's after six, let's get dinner started."
"Got it."
After the menu was confirmed and dishes assigned, Shinji's thoughts again pulled towards the doorway at the other end of the living room. Asuka's door remained shut despite the banging of pots and pans in the kitchen, a near-perfect metaphor for the wall that had existed between them for the last few weeks.
There had been a hope that her presence at Myojo Academy would allow them to explore themselves and their relationship, including the mystery of the SDAT, but instead Asuka had recently become paranoid and quick to anger. Shinji was quite certain her roommate situation was to blame, but her refusal to discuss any potential fixes discouraged him from trying any more.
Ever since that night at the arcade, Asuka's anxiety was palpable, her temperament wild and unpredictable at times. Whenever they were in her apartment, even the slightest things upset her, something her older roommate was keen to act upon. Mari had quickly discovered which buttons to push to get under her skin, and, unfortunately for the subject of said button pushing, it was invariably Shinji that she'd go after.
Eventually, the aromas lured two-thirds of the apartment's residents from their confines and Shinji's heart soared as Asuka emerged from her lair. While only a weak metaphor, the open door still gave the boy the faintest glimmer of hope. Maybe tonight will be different. Maybe she'll look at him like she used to. Maybe she'll say those words out loud.
'If it happens, it happens,' he lied to himself, pretending he had the patience he didn't.
"You smell nice."
The voice snapped Shinji from his daze and he shrugged the shoulder Mari was leaning over repeatedly, hoping to drive her away like a bothersome fly. Mari had proven quite persistent, and, unfortunately, only when Asuka was around. Shinji had long since understood the game and wanted no part of it: Mari was attractive, and nice enough when alone, but her incessant need to pester her roommate lost its luster quite immediately. And here she was again, reminding him that tonight wasn't the night for change.
"It's just the food, Mari. Dinner's almost ready," Shinji replied flatly, ignoring her comment. He turned his attention to his partner on the other side of the sink, looking around Mari's peering head, "How's it coming, Hikari?"
"Five more minutes," she replied, chopping the final ingredients.
"Perfect, I'll be ready then, too."
"I love a man who can cook," Mari commented again, glancing at Asuka who sat at the kitchen table, head rested in her hand, drumming her fingers impatiently on the table.
Look at those two. Nobody needs you here.
Asuka slowly sat upright, startled by the intrusive thought. Her confused expression unnoticed by anyone else, she turned her gaze inward at the self-conscious little girl in her mind, Mari's just doing it to mess with me.
Who said I was talking about Mari?
She sat silently, thoughts swirling, agitated by the insecure voice in her head. The voice had grown strong, especially ever since Mari's weak attempt at blackmail after the arcade incident. Asuka found herself growing distant from Shinji, and in those moments of vulnerability watched as other women moved in to fill the gap.
Or was it the other way around? She shook her head, hoping to rid herself of the doubt until the voice continued: Has he told you how he feels? Has he even asked?
Asuka stood from the table, silencing the voice inside and calling out, "Shinji, do you need me?"
"We're almost done here; you'd just get in the way," Mari answered for him.
Shinji sighed heavily, signaling to the older girl he intended to continue ignoring her advances.
"Hikari, you'd help me dispose of a body, right?" Asuka asked, refocusing on the annoyance at hand.
The brunette rolled her eyes and wiped the sweat off of her brow, "Mari, knock it off. You too, Asuka. It's been a month and we're all tired of it."
Asuka pouted at the lack of reinforcement and pulled out her phone. She needed backup and Hikari was too much of a peacekeeper to make her feel better at the moment.
[ASUKA] You'd help me dispose of a body, right?
She set the phone back down, but it buzzed almost immediately.
[AMY] i can fly out tonight
Asuka laughed out loud, drawing the apartment's attention momentarily before waving everyone off and returning to her phone. Friends like Amy were so hard to come by.
[ASUKA] Aren't you in class right now?
[AMY] this isn't about me. who are we burying?
[AMY] that bitch of a roommate?
"Hey, Asuka, can you let Mayumi know the food's ready?" Shinji asked from the kitchen, dishing the meal out into individual bowls.
She sighed before turning in her chair and shouting through a closed door, "May: food's ready!"
"I could've done that, Princess," Mari sassed as she came around the corner, several bowls in hand.
"Shut it, four-eyes," Asuka snapped back.
"My, my, what a mature insult."
"Enough," Hikari scolded again, coming around the corner with more plates of food in hand. "Four weeks: we've done this almost every night for four weeks. Please, or I won't come over anymore."
Mari raised her hands in surrender, "Okay, okay, I give: just keep the delicious food coming."
Shinji rounded the corner with the last of the food and set it down at the table, gently rubbing Asuka's back as he sat next to her, "Hey, don't let her get to you."
"I don't. I don't think about her at all," Asuka muttered just loud enough for Shinji to hear before returning to her phone.
[ASUKA] Yes. She's the worst.
Shinji eyed the redhead, watching the side of her face as she sent a message on her phone. It was a beautiful face, and he was yet to grow tired of her striking exotic features. But those features were bad at lying, and Shinji could sense the annoyance hidden behind her almost imperceptibly furrowed brow.
"Don't stoop to her level," he replied. "You're better than that."
[AMY] need me there tomorrow?
Are you, though?
[ASUKA] Not this time, but thank you. I know I can count on you at least.
Oh shut up.
[AMY] anything for you.
"Am I, though?" she asked Shinji, placing her phone down and continuing her hushed conversation.
Puzzled, Shinji turned his body towards Asuka, "Yeah. It's one of the reasons I- I like you so much."
"You 'like' me, huh?"
Bad choice of words, Shinji thought, fearful for the direction this very public conversation was going.
"But why do you put up with Mari, then?" Her line of questioning grew increasingly antagonistic, almost against her will.
"She, she's your roommate," he stammered, unsure of when exactly he was put on the defensive. "If I cause problems, you're the one that has to deal with her."
"And what about Mana?" Asuka asked, unaware that the rest of the table was watching the slowly escalating conversation. "Why'd you let her kiss you?"
Shinji glanced around the table before lowering his voice, "Asuka, I didn't 'let her' do anything. I thought we were past this."
Her voice rising, Asuka found herself on the attack again, "And what about Hikari?!"
This caught everyone's attention and they all looked at the redhead. Suddenly self-conscious about the extra attention she'd brought upon herself, Asuka turned back forward and began to eat her dinner. Slowly, Mari and Hikari followed the redhead's lead, but Shinji only watched, deeply concerned for her.
Shinji coughed a few times, thankful for a quick distraction as the conversation settled. He took a drink of water, watching as the eyes slowly shifted off of him and his girlfriend.
'Infinitely high and infinitely thick', he recalled. The wall weighed upon his heart as much as anything. I can't help you if you don't talk to me...
"Oh my, Shinji! This looks delicious!" Mayumi smiled as she emerged from her room. "How do you do it?"
"With a little help from Hikari, I guess," he blushed, attempting to deflect the compliments of yet another girl. "And there's plenty of leftovers for lunch tomorrow."
"I can't believe you can make something like this out of what little we have! I almost don't want to eat it!"
"It's all very pretty, but eat before it gets cold!" Hikari instructed. Food was for eating, that was a well-known mantra of the Horaki clan.
"Yes mom," Mari chirped with a grin, causing the young girl to roll her eyes.
While the apartment enjoyed another boisterous dinner together, Asuka and Shinji spent the evening together, yet apart. Unaware of the other's thoughts, the wall seemed insurmountable. Determined, however, Shinji dug under: far from meeting her anywhere. But he tried.
"I cannot express enough how much I dislike this," Gendo spoke calmly, but there was an elevated amount of stress that only Shinji noticed: the curse of being his child.
"Your dislike has been noted, but overridden," the blonde woman replied dismissively.
"Ritsuko-"
"Dr. Akagi," she forcefully corrected.
The two adults spoke within earshot in the classroom doorway. It was rare to see Gendo pulled from his desk, especially by another teacher, so the classroom did their best to listen into the conversation as covertly as possible.
Gendo cleared his throat and straightened his collar, "My apologies: Dr. Akagi, I was of the understanding that this is my classroom and my assignments are my own."
"It is," she replied, "but this is my science department, and you work for me. If I feel like changing an assignment, then you'll change it. And this is a minor change, Gendo: you'll be fine."
"But, a field trip? Surely this can't be nece-"
Sighing, Ritsuko turned towards the classroom and spoke before entering, "Welcome to academia, Gendo: the kids love this kind of stuff."
The man stood a little straighter and turned from the hallway, following his superior into the classroom. Striding to his desk as usual, Gendo sat behind it and placed his elbows on it, hands joined at his mouth.
"Class," his words somehow seeped around his fingers, "Dr. Akagi has an announcement to make. Show her the same respect you show me."
A light chuckling could be heard from a few students, but it quickly settled down for the woman.
"Good morning everyone," she introduced herself. "Some of you know me, but most won't: I'm Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, department chair of the Myojo Academy Langley science hall. I mainly teach third- and fourth-year science, but some of you are in my robotics club."
Kensuke and a girl at another table near the middle of the room whooped and cheered for a moment before blending back into the classroom.
"This year, thanks to the Langley Institute's generous grant," she winked at Asuka who shifted nervously in her seat, "we are able to do some things to enhance each grade level's science experience. To wit, we're going to be making a few changes to your first semester research paper: instead of being randomly assigned non-native animals, you're going to do some field research on aquatic animals at Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise."
The classroom erupted in cheers at the announcement, this time settled down by the woman at the front who held her hand up.
"While this field trip will be to a theme park, you are primarily there to work on your research paper. But, once you get your research done," she paused for effect with a disarmingly sly smile, "I don't know why you couldn't enjoy the rest of your day on the rides."
There was another small eruption that was this time brought down by a student's raised hand.
"Yes ma'am?"
The student stood up, "Dr. Akagi, we've been researching hedgehogs for the last month. Is our work thus far void?"
"Boo..." some of the students teased the girl. She turned back and made a face at the jeering students.
Shrugging her shoulders, Ristuko replied with a little wave, "If you'd rather keep your topic, I'm certain you can do plenty of research in the library while your classmates are at the Sea Paradise. I'm sure your group would agree, right?"
"Sit down, Rie!" a boy at her table called out.
"She's crazy, don't listen to her!" shouted another.
"Silence." Gendo commanded an immediate calm to the room with one word, and the students settled back down.
Dr. Akagi chuckled, "I'm sure you haven't lost too much work in the month since it's been assigned. And with two weeks until the trip, you'll have plenty of time to catch back up to where you were."
The room was silent, now awaiting their assignments.
"Well, if you have any further questions, please direct them towards your teacher," she nodded at the desk in the corner before turning to leave. "Have a good day, everyone."
Gendo typed wildly on his keyboard for a moment, somehow still conserving enough body movement that, without the sound, you couldn't tell he was doing anything at all. Shinji stifled another cough, immediately regretting the sound as his father's eyes momentarily focused on the boy.
"Table 1," he called loudly, "octopus."
There was a hushed confusion at the table until the teacher spoke again, "Table 2: moray eel."
More confused chatter until Hikari spoke up, "Um, Dr. Ayanami: are these our animal assignments?"
"Correct."
"Is he gone?"
Masaru Grant slowly closed the door, not wanting to disturb the occupant resting on the couch.
"Yes," is all he could answer.
Shinji looked back at his mother, eyes closed in relative peace, heavy black streaks staining her beautiful portrait, "Why today? Why did he have to come back today?"
Only a sigh could be heard from the older man. After a brief silence, he turned and gently made for the exit, but stopped as his hand reached the door knob.
"Mr. Grant," Shinji called out. "Where are you going?"
"Shinji," he sighed again, "I'm but a simple music teacher. I feel I've already overstepped my bounds."
"Masaru," Yui spoke softly, her eyes still shut, "please stay. If not for me, for Rei."
The older man sighed a third time, hanging his head just before he shut the door. Turning back to the living room, he spoke softly, stifling a tear, "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do at a time like this."
"Tell me about your lessons together. I'd like to hear that."
Shinji shifted nervously in his chair, stealing glances at Asuka while she tuned her instrument. They'd played together on a regular basis for the last few weeks, but Shinji could still hardly believe that he could share his gift with her.
Joining the music club wasn't the most difficult decision for either of them, but for wildly different reasons: Shinji joined because he was a gifted cellist and wanted to spend time with Asuka, Asuka joined because Mari wasn't in it. She had experience with a violin, but her intentions were honest: time away from the bothersome roommate.
Asuka's playing was admittedly rough and unconfident, but it was progressing nicely. The music club's director, Ayaka Ueda, was understanding and patient, a quality reciprocated by the students towards the noticeably pregnant instructor: sudden restroom breaks or needing assistance picking things off the floor were a common occurrence in the club.
"Good afternoon everyone," the kind-eyed woman said, rubbing her enlarged belly. "We've got a couple things booked for May and June, so let's make sure we're ready for them. I'll give the assignments at the end of our meeting today."
Myojo Academy was known for their youth music chambers, often hired for private events, galas, weddings, and other occasions. Shinji and Asuka were placed together in group B, mostly due to Shinji's abilities on cello, but also with Mrs. Ueda's reluctant permission to keep the couple together.
The quartet consisted of Asuka and Lin Yuanyuan, a third-year girl, on violin, a fourth-year boy named Kenji Kuno on viola, and Shinji on cello. The foursome pulled out their sheet music folders and started with Vivaldi's "Autumn", a light, uptempo piece to get their limbs moving and loose. Asuka still struggled with some of the brisker passages, but it improved enough week to week that the others continued to encourage her.
After a couple of suggestions from a waddling-by Mrs. Ueda, they moved forward in their catalog to Bach's "Air on the G String", a sight read for the first-year players. A moderate piece, Shinji had no issues with the slow, descending bass lines, but Asuka fumbled the violin part.
"No need to get frustrated," Lin said calmly, resting her violin in her lap at a pause. "It is a deceivingly hard song."
"I'm not frustrated," Asuka snapped. "I, I just don't like this song."
"Why not?"
"It reminds me of death..." she whispered, sniffling.
"Death? It is a beautiful piece," Lin countered. "I can feel the movement of life as Bach intended. It is serene."
"They played this at the funeral for... for my brother."
A heavy silence weighed over the quartet, Shinji wanting to reach out to the saddened girl, but he sat silently. The wall was up still: solid, immovable, infinite. He'd grown used to reading her and understanding where the wall stood in relation to them, and it continued its recent permanence.
Kenji broke the silence, scoffing at the emotional teen, "It's just a song, Asuka. If you can't play it, we'll find someone that wi-"
"I'll play it, damnit," Asuka shot a glare at the violist, blue eyes wild with confidence, despite their dampness. "Just give me a second."
She rubbed her eyes with her sleeve, leaving a light trail of makeup on the white shirt, and put her instrument under her chin, "Let's go."
"Asuka," Shinji calmly said. "We can-"
"No," she fired back without even looking in his direction, readying her bow against the strings. "Let's go."
"Okay then," Shinji sighed.
The quartet worked over Bach's piece for several repetitions until the club time came to an end. "Air" was truly serene as Lin had described it, but its ties to death lingered heavily in his heart. He was as familiar with death as Asuka, and the piece began to move him so.
At the end of the meeting, Shinji began to cough heavily while he packed up his cello. Asuka approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, are you feeling okay? You've been coughing a lot lately."
The boy nodded, clearing his throat, "I'm fine. It's just allergies."
"That sounds worse than allergies."
"I'm fine."
"Shinji..." Asuka began, but stopped when the club room door was opened, watching the student body president enter the room. Her grip on her violin case tightened as the older girl violated one of the few remaining Mari-free spaces left at the school.
"Mari! How are you?" Mrs. Ueda opened her arms wide to the older student.
"Great, Mrs. Ueda. How's the pregnancy?" Mari gave her a brief hug before nodding to the woman's belly.
"Coming along nice and healthy. We're due mid-July, but the doctor believes she's coming a week or two early."
"Ooh, I'm so excited for you," Mari cooed. "Anywho, I won't take up much of your time: I have the final events schedule as requested. It looks like you're all going to be quite busy this year!"
The older woman glanced over the list with a bright expression, "It sure looks like it."
The club members sat silently as the conversation wrapped up, eagerly awaiting their assignments. Not long after entering, Mari left with an annoying wink in Shinji's direction and their club leader began listing off their upcoming performances. A couple weddings, a dinner for a law-firm, and other such events were given.
It wasn't until Asuka and Shinji's assignment came that he grew excited for the performances: a chance to do something special in a romantic setting. Shinji was going to make the most of it and see if he could mend their young relationship.
"Quartet B," the pregnant woman smiled, "I've got a great one for you: June 13, Onioshidashi Volcanic Park. It'll be a later performance, starting at 8 pm, for a stargazing event."
"Where's that?" Asuka asked Shinji with a whisper as they exited the room.
He smiled at the thought, "At the base of Mount Asama."
Science came to an end and the tablemates agreed to meet that night in the library for another research session as they packed their things. Armadillos had been replaced with penguins, and a month of research and writing was nearly useless. Nearly being the operative word, however, as the prospects of visiting the aquarium and theme park in a couple weeks outweighed the loss.
Shinji's cough had worsened as the week dragged on, but he was determined to make it to the weekend for several reasons: he had planned to ask Asuka on a movie date Saturday night, but held off on account of his progressing cough, and he was avoiding letting his mother know. Since Rei's passing, Yui had grown extra protective of him, and any showing ailment was a cause for alarm for the woman.
"Shinji, that cough sounds terrible," Asuka whispered as she closed her bag.
He coughed into his elbow and waved her off, dismissing the concern, "I'm fine. It's just allergies."
Asuka glared at him, "That's what you said two days ago: I don't think those are allergies."
"I agree," Hikari chimed in, reaching out to touch the boy's forehead. "Maybe we should call your mother."
Shinji jerked back and away from the touch, "No, I'm fine."
"Hey, we're just worried about you."
"Shinji, please..."
But he ignored them and pulled out his SDAT, certain he could outwill the cough himself. Inserting the earphones into his ears, he turned away from the group towards the front of the room. However, before he could press PLAY, Gendo's booming voice called out.
"I clearly remember informing you of my policy on toys, Mr. Ikari."
Some of the other students sniggered at the accusation, but it only infuriated the boy. Of either parent he wished to avoid at the moment, his father was surely the worse option. And the insulting manner in which he referred to such a prized possession only incensed him.
"Next time I see it, I will confiscate it."
The period came to an end and the students exited the room, heading back towards their homerooms, but Shinji remained. This time of his own volition, he stood just before the elevated platform, no longer able to ignore his father's needless attacks on something he clearly knew the context of.
Shinji looked upwards at the man and nearly growled, "It's not a toy."
"It is a child's plaything, and I would've hoped you'd grown out of it by now," Gendo retorted.
"You know exactly what it is, and what it means to me."
The older man adjusted his glasses, but remained silent.
"And to Rei."
Gendo visibly flinched at the comment.
Again Shinji began coughing, an unwelcome interruption in his attempted show of strength, but as the fit ended, he decided to press his advantage. "You dare to take her name, but you can't respect her love for music. How do you remember her? You don't even have a picture, do you?"
Silence again interrupted by a wet cough, and Shinji caught a glimpse of Asuka peeking in from the hallway.
"No. No pictures," Gendo replied coldly, ignoring his son's illness. "In the mind, that's all that's needed, for now..."
"'For now...'?" Shinji repeated. He was as delusional as Asuka had told him, recalling the story of his encounter in Germany.
"People only live by their own strength. They only grow by their own strength. Only infants need family," his father looked down upon him and frowned. "And you are no longer an infant."
The infuriated boy took a heavy step onto the raised platform, "What is that supposed to mean?!"
"What an outburst," Gendo commented without emotion. "Rei would be disappointed in you."
Shinji stepped fully onto the platform, now looking down upon where Gendo sat, "How dare you..."
The man remained unaffected by the outburst, sitting silently, unthreatened by the boy.
"Shinji, leave him," Asuka called, now standing in the doorway she'd been hiding behind. "Just let it go."
But he struggled to move on, his own father showing so little regard for his own son's emotions. A torturous year of overheard arguments followed by a half-year's abandonment, Gendo had lost any and all rights to even speak his sister's name.
Still holding onto the rage that had so quickly built inside of him, Shinji wished he could attack his father, but he thought better of it. Any action would give the man enough ammunition to suspend or expel Shinji. Worse yet, any action would prove that Gendo could still affect his life, and that couldn't happen.
Shinji forced his hands open and he turned towards the door before looking back at his father again, "I hate you."
"I know."
Emotions swirled inside and for a moment Shinji believed he'd won, but he could only suppress so much of himself, and while his hurt and rage remained within, the lingering deep cough erupted from him.
Covering his mouth, Shinji made an attempt towards the exit. However, his movements slowed, halted by the angry cough that had taken hold of him, depriving him of his breath. Slowly he began to feel lightheaded, the squeeze on his lungs persisting, and, with a last minute glimpse at the redhead in the door, his world went black.
"SHINJI!" Asuka called out, racing into the room.
Gendo stood from his desk, quickly dialing his phone while the young girl tended to his son.
Crouching down over the unconscious boy, Asuka called upon as much of her internal knowledge as possible. She'd heard enough about traumatic brain injuries, but she could only do her best as he'd suddenly collapsed in the room. Quickly checking Shinji's pulse and breathing, she exhaled a happy sigh when both were confirmed.
"There's been an accident, a student has collapsed in my lab," he quickly informed before hanging up the phone and making an identical call to the health office.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days passed; Asuka was unaware either way. Her only focus was on Shinji's wellbeing, a genuine sense of something welling inside of her despite the circumstances.
I was here for him. He needs me. Not Mari, not Mana. Me. And I need him.
The last statement caused her to blush slightly, but the color drained as soon as Shinji regained consciousness. He blinked heavily, trying to sit back up, but Asuka held his hand and gently pressed her other against his chest, discouraging any movement.
His eyes blinked, unfocused cobalt struggling to make sense of what had occurred. Asuka heard a gentle voice, and she comforted him, "Shinji, shh, Shinji, I'm here. I'm here."
"-mm... ari..."
The feeling was gone again, a dark weight settling back down on the teen. "Mari?" she repeated.
A dark grin flashed in her mind, Maybe not.
Asuka shook her head of the intrusion and she remained at Shinji's side until the head nurse led him from the room a few minutes later. Wishing she could go with the boy, her eyes watched him disappear down the hall while Dr. Akagi questioned her and Gendo.
"What happened here?"
Gendo spoke first, "The student remained behind to further discuss the parameters of the changed assignment. He'd been feeling unwell today and seemingly collapsed without warning."
Ritsuko sighed heavily before turning her attention towards the redhead, "Is this true?"
So he's lying to staff about their relationship, too? Asuka thought before answering.
"Yes, ma'am. He just fainted; it was... it was an accident."
"Well, it was fortunate that you were here, then. Thank you. But please leave us."
"Hold on a second, something's off…"
"Kaworu?" Asuka turned towards her brother.
He leaned forward, head in his hand, unresponsive.
"Hey, come on," she called again, reaching for his shoulder.
The redhead shook her twin, desperate for any response, but he sat still, pressing his palm to his face. An eternity passed before he answered, an equally infinite time elapsed between Asuka's breaths while she waited.
"Kaworu?" Oz peered into the backseat of the car through the rearview mirror. Again he hailed the boy to no response.
Asuka continued to rub Kaworu's shoulder, leaning closer and lower, attempting to get into his eyeline in the car, but when he eventually broke from his trance, no explanation was offered.
"So that's it; now I understand," he whispered softly.
"Kaworu?" she questioned. "You're scaring me."
"I believe I need to see a doctor."
"Shinji seems to be doing better according to his mother," Mari announced to the room. "It'll probably be a couple more days before she's comfortable with him coming back."
Asuka, Mana, Kensuke, and Toji sat at the kitchen table, a planned meeting to finalize their penguin report and how to work around their missing group-member. Hikari had joined them, but was currently in Asuka's room on a private call.
"I've emailed his assignments so he doesn't fall behind, but I doubt he'll be of any use for your project: you might want to just take over his portion."
"Thanks Mari," Mana offered with a smile. "You've been so helpful."
"Don't thank me, I'm just doing my job as student body president."
"Still, though," the cheery girl continued, "I know we're all very worried about Shinji, and you've been so helpful. I know Asuka appreciates your updates, too."
The mention snapped Asuka out of her trance and she frantically glanced around the table for context clues, "Uh, yeah, yeah, Natürlich."
Catching the mindless agreement, Mari pounced, circling the table to Asuka's side, wrapping her arms around her in a big, exaggerated hug, "I'd do anything to protect my favorite couple."
"Get off," Asuka tried to duck under the hug, but the older girl pulled her tight, resting her chest on top of the redhead. "Blöde Kuh, get those things off of me!"
"Shinji likes them," Mari smirked. "Or at least, I've seen him look."
Burning bright red in frustration, Asuka finally pushed her assaulter back and stood from the table, prepared to leave. However Mari made the first move and disappeared into her own room with a wave.
Returning to her seat, the groupmates discussed the changes to their upcoming research paper while Asuka mindlessly spun her cell phone on the table. Her body currently resided on the twentieth floor of the Myojo Academy dormitory, but half of her thoughts were in Otsuki with the boy that only she seemed to be unable to get ahold of.
Idiot Shinji, scaring me half to death like that, she growled internally, but the dog was toothless. She was as worried as she was angry with him now. And that four-eyed cow: disgusting.
Physical differences between the roommates aside, Mari's involvement in Shinji's absence had become a significant source of annoyance over the last few days. While generally helpful to her own peace of mind, Mari and Hikari had been the only ones able to speak to either Ikari, leaving Asuka with only second-hand knowledge of how her boyfriend was fairing.
She continued to brood internally for a few moments until an opening door drew her attention to her own room where Hikari exited.
"Right. Okay. Get some rest," she spoke into her phone. "Bye."
Hikari turned to the group and smiled as she hung up her phone, "He says he's feeling better. His lungs have cleared up, and his mom may let him return sometime next week, which is good."
Oh, so he'll answer Hikari's call, she thought, still spinning her phone on the table. Dozens of unanswered calls and unread messages weighed heavily in her mind.
Asuka groaned to that voice in herself, They're childhood friends, knock it off.
"Asuka," Hikari turned towards her, "Shinji said he's sorry he hasn't called: his phone's been in his dorm."
See, a perfect explanation, she was proud of the odd form of comfort that came in that message.
"Oh, okay."
Then why didn't he talk to you now?
She couldn't answer that, and while her first instinct was to confront Hikari on it, Asuka took a centering breath and decided against it. She had never been anyone's girlfriend before, but she had experience with controlling-types thanks to her boy-crazy best friend. And while they agreed on many things, Amy's clingy nature was one area Asuka could never get behind.
He's recovering from pneumonia, he doesn't need another person calling him.
Or he doesn't need you.
Shut it! she commanded.
Maybe he never did.
"Do you think he'll be able to go on the field trip?" Kensuke asked nervously.
"He had pneumonia, so it's best not to rush anything," Hikari answered. Noticing his and Toji's grim expressions, she followed up, "But there's still over a week left, so he may be able to join us there."
Both boys perked up and high-fived while Asuka rolled her eyes at the two. Mana spoke up, having seen the action, "What's wrong, Asuka? I figured you'd be glad to hear Shinji's doing better."
Yeah, Asuka, why would that bother you? She heard herself chirp in the back of her mind.
"I'm very glad Shinji's coming back: the 'Two Stooges' doesn't sound right," Asuka jabbed her nose at boys sitting to her left.
While Toji hurled soft insults back in her direction, she couldn't help but only retort halfheartedly. Deep down there was something wrong, something out of place between the two, and it wasn't just Mari sticking her voluptuous nose where it didn't belong.
Asuka had ignored it for several weeks now, but the clock ticked on, regardless of her intentions. Time was against her, the crushing anxiety of juggling so many things against the clock holding her back: she was still waiting for Mari to make her move since recording the incident in the alley, but her deference had created a chasm between her and Shinji. Add to that the lingering mystery of the SDAT and its magical contents, and that her entrance into the school itself was nearly blocked.
Time was always against her, it seemed, but now she was in two places at once, and doing poorly in both. Unable to commit her thoughts to what was happening in her apartment at that moment, Asuka simply laid her head on the table and watched out the window, wondering if she could make it all right again.
"By the way, Asuka called again last night," Yui Ikari spoke as she packed. She'd been home with Shinji for a few days, but needed to spend a day at her practice before she could take any more time off. Last minute emergencies aside, it was hard for the physician, being one of the very few in the area. "You were asleep, but I told her I'd let you know."
Shinji sat at the table in his pajamas watching his mother finish her lunch. "You know, I can make lunch."
"No, no, Shinji, you need rest."
"I can make lunch."
His mother shot him a look and he knew he was still grounded from almost any activity, on house-arrest for the fourth consecutive day. Changing the subject, Shinji returned to Asuka, "Did she say anything?"
"She just asked how you were doing and if she could help. She's a very sweet girl. But, so is Hikari."
The boy rolled his eyes, "Mother."
"I know, I know," she said as she grabbed her things from the counter. Bidding her son farewell, Yui slipped out the front door and left him alone.
Shinji sighed and stood from the table, searching for the house phone. Asuka was most likely in class, but even hearing her on her voicemail message was enough. He'd been back to Otsuki since enrolling at Myojo, but this was the first time he'd ever felt trapped in his hometown.
Picking the phone from the receiver, he stared at the numbers and realized he didn't know Asuka's phone number. It had been programmed in since he was given the phone by Mr. Grant, so he hadn't needed to memorize it.
Deciding to dial Hikari instead, he predictably was met with her voice-mail. Of all people to not answer in class, it was his best friend. Nonetheless, Shinji left a brief message saying he was doing alright, but stopped when it came to Asuka.
He felt awkward calling one girl about another. Despite them being best friends, Shinji still knew their mothers had been trying to marry them off for most of their lives, and he'd done a poor job of keeping Hikari in the loop with their relationship already. So, he settled for her telling everyone hello and hung up.
Shinji's next bet was calling Myojo Academy and being transferred up to the dormitory. Surely a message left in Asuka's apartment would get to her: he had a 66% chance considering the roommates involved.
Searching his room high and low for the school's phone number, he remembered all of his materials were in his dorm, along with his phone. Unwilling to give up, he searched for his mother's laptop, but ultimately found it missing, likely with her at her practice.
After an hour of brainstorming, Shinji remembered the last place to look. There was an incredibly high probability of a Myojo Academy pamphlet still in the house, but it was in the one place he'd refused to consider before now.
Standing just before the barrier, Shinji sighed, feeling a great weight placed upon him. Sliding the door open, the domain appeared frozen in time, untouched by the outside world for almost a year. A thin layer of dust had accumulated on everything, most noticeable on the desk.
Shinji remembered helping her clean her room "one last time", nearly against his will. He hadn't refused to clean it, but the boy staunchly refused to admit that it would be anything near the final cleaning. And yet here it was, nearly ten months later, completely untouched since.
Flipping through the few papers on his late sister's desk, Shinji was unable to find the Myojo Academy pamphlet they had poured over the previous spring. Eventually Shinji made his way to Rei's bookshelf, bed, and nightstand, finding nothing but books, a bed, and a few knick knacks and loose yen.
He slumped against the bed, tears welling in his eyes, not because he came up empty handed but because he'd been so afraid to come into the room for so long. After Rei's passing, their mother refused to even consider entering the room, let alone clean it out.
Defeated, hollow, and alone, Shinji eventually fell into the fetal position on the floor, weeping gently. This room merely ceased to exist after the final cleaning, a world that he'd sworn himself to never enter. And now here he was, breaking that oath for something silly, still coming up empty handed.
As he cried, Shinji apologized out loud, forever unsure whether he was apologizing to himself, his mother, his sister, or his girlfriend. The last thought, however, made him chuckle. Picturing the self-assured redhead chiding him for apologizing, he smiled and rolled over, now facing under his sister's bed.
Pushing himself to an upright position, something clicked in his mind and Shinji dropped back to the floor, peering underneath the bed. A strange, large envelope rested in the far corner. He strained to reach the object, brushing it repeatedly with his fingertips until he could find a purchase and bring it closer to him.
Pulling the folder from its hiding spot, Shinji unwrapped the cord binding it together and found the object of his desire among the papers: the Myojo Academy pamphlet. Setting it aside, the curious boy gently leafed through the papers, recognizing them as the research he and Rei had performed the year prior.
"Subway stops, train stations, semester schedule," Shinji thought aloud as he turned the pages. They were all printed sheets from those few days of research. It wasn't the pages themselves, however, that caught his attention, instead it was the diligent notes written on the side.
An ominous cloud settled in Shinji's mind as he flipped through the pages, beyond the maps and schedules, and into what seemed to be personal correspondence. The page was torn across the bottom, an unknown amount missing. Nevertheless, Shinji read the one page and quickly shut the folder, no longer wanting to invade his late-sister's privacy.
Stuffing the folder back under Rei's bed, Shinji took the pamphlet and left the room. Standing in the doorway again, the last line of the message he read momentarily lingered in his mind:
"Ein neuer Anfang."
The mysterious message sat heavily in his mind, but Shinji pushed forward, sliding the door shut. It was addressed to "A-", not Rei nor Shinji, and he had no desire to press the invasion any further.
Dismissing the message from his mind, Shinji dialed Myojo Academy and requested a transfer to Asuka's Apartment. He fought off the dark thought in his mind, but was never fully able to shake it.
What language was that?
"Welcome to Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise!" a recorded message chimed as the elevator finished its descent.
Large dual steel doors opened and the students were greeted by a massive aquarium. A kaleidoscope of colors washed over the guests as the natural sunlight refracted through an unfathomable amount of water. Hundreds of unique species of sea life swam throughout the tank, following a natural order that was beyond human understanding.
Toji ran into the immense room, arms spread, laughing and proclaiming his fascination with the exhibit. His voice echoed throughout the glass room, disturbing the usually peaceful park guests, "It's enormous!"
"It's incredible! Oh my goodness," Kensuke followed quickly after, camera affixed to his eye. "I've never seen anything like this!"
"Toji! Kensuke!" Hikari called after the energetic duo, but remained with the group.
"It's a lot to take in for the smaller minds," Mari chided the boys. "Especially the country folk."
A quick buzz caused Asuka to pull her phone from her purse.
[AMY] why is she even there
[ASUKA] "Volunteer chaperone" or something like that. I think she did it on purpose.
Asuka shot a glare at the back of Mari's head, but her gaze immediately redirected to Shinji's hand as the older girl took it and guided him to the glass.
"Check this out, Shinji," Mari said as she pulled him through the crowd, crouching just before the glass and pointing at a large, strange fish lying just near the edge of the viewing window. "This is a Pacific Halibut. Isn't it weird looking?"
"Of course you'd be drawn to the bottom feeders," Asuka scoffed before returning her attention to her phone.
[ASUKA] And now she's getting all handsy with Shinji!
"Asuka, get off your phone, enjoy the day," Hikari tried to put her arm around the girl, but the redhead slinked out of it.
Shinji turned back to the tank in amazement, "So this is what the ocean looked like before the Second Impact."
Mari, Asuka, and Hikari all stopped and stared at him. Oblivious to the attention, however, Shinji continued to peer into the glass, watching the seemingly frivolous movement of the sea life.
"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Shinji's best friend was the first to speak, coming up behind him and putting the back of her hand against his forehead.
Puzzled, Shinji stared at her, "I'm fine, why?"
"You just said something weird."
Did he say what I think he said? Asuka thought, phone still held out in front, but her attention turned to Shinji. Two conspicuous words would sound like nonsense for almost anyone else, but they held a different, mysterious meaning for the couple.
Almost forgotten by now, Shinji's nonchalant utterance of the phrase 'Second Impact' conjured memories of teenage confusion and speculation in a library a few months ago. And here it was again, but with them in the middle of a crowded park exhibit, there was no way to discuss it safely.
I'll have to remember to bring it up later.
"What did I say?" Shinji asked the crowd.
"Something about 'the oceans before'-" Hikari started but was interrupted as Toji came racing across the room, now in the opposite direction, Kensuke still in tow.
"This is crazy!"
Kensuke spun around, filming all aspects of the exhibit, "Have I said 'this is awesome', yet?"
"Whoa, check out that one with a shell on its back!" Toji said with a smile.
"I think those are called 'turtles'."
"'Turtles'? You're kidding, right?"
"No," the bespectacled boy confirmed, "they're called 'turtles'!"
The taller jock stopped in front of the camera and stared directly into the lens, "Okay, Mr. Sarcastic, who's gonna film while I kick your ass?"
Kensuke turned and ran away laughing, "Wait, wait, I was only joking! Somebody help me!"
"Toji! Kensuke!" Hikari turned and called after them. "You're embarrassing yourselves!"
"They're acting like little children," Asuka mumbled, turning back to her cell phone. "Idiots."
[AMY] what r u gonna do about it
As the two boys again took off in the opposite direction of the group, Shinji, Hikari, and Mari headed towards the penguin exhibit with Asuka following behind.
[ASUKA] What do you mean?
Just before the main penguin exhibit, however, was an isolation unit for older and injured penguins. There were only a few in the room, kept separate for safety. Toji and Kensuke had rejoined the group and began watching the animals in the smaller display.
Asuka sat on a bench across the hall, attention still held on her phone. Occasionally she'd peek up at the group, mainly to keep an eye on Mari and Shinji.
[AMY] ur too passive. say something
[ASUKA] To who?
[AMY] either. take whats urs
After a few moments, Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke continued on towards the main penguin exhibit, but Shinji remained behind, his attention fixated on the smaller display.
"I'm glad you got to come with us, Shinji," Mari commented, standing next to the boy. "So, how are you feeling?"
"Better," he replied, still watching inside the tank. "I finished the treatments, so I'm fine now."
"Well, I'm glad," she smiled, giving a little wink behind her glasses. "I don't know what I'd do without you around."
Shinji ignored the comment and instead addressed the heart of the matter, "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
He turned and glared at her, "You're just trying to piss Asuka off. She can't even hear you, but you're still trying."
"Aww, what," Mari pouted, "you don't like me?"
"Not really."
The exaggerated face immediately wiped off the girl and she stood up tall, "You're no fun."
"Mari, I'd like you just fine if you stopped trying to make Asuka angry all the time," he elaborated. "I don't know what she did to deserve this, but you don't need to go after her all the time."
"Someone needed to bring Her Highness back down to Earth with the rest of us."
"You're the only one that thinks she's above us."
Mari turned, feigning surprise, "You don't know what she says when nobody's around."
"I wouldn't believe it if it came from you anyway," Shinji retorted.
"You really are no fun," Mari frowned.
"The two of you are more alike than you think: maybe you should try getting to know her."
"Is that an order?"
Shinji ignored the quip and turned his attention back towards the isolation unit. An older penguin slowly waddled around, looking for something. "It's cramped in there. They should turn them loose in one of the bigger tanks."
"They can't: they wouldn't make it outside, they can only survive in there, now."
'They're like me that way…'
Eyes wide, Shinji spun on his heel, searching for the source of the voice. A voice he hadn't heard in nearly a year, speaking a line he hadn't heard in nearly... nearly a...
He rubbed his head with his palm, the sudden throbbing sensation dispersing as quickly as it appeared. Momentarily dazed, Shinji's focus returned as Mari waved in front of him, leaning far too close.
"Uhh, hello, Shinji, are you in there?"
Shinji shook his head, then corrected himself with a nod, "No, uh, wait, yes. I'm- I'm here."
Mari reached out and lifted his chin with her hand, turning and inspecting him like some possession. But eventually released him and turned to walk away, asking no one in particular, "What does she see in you?"
Asuka glanced up and happened to catch the interaction, grinding her teeth in frustration. Idiot...
She wasn't quite sure who she meant the comment for, Mari or Shinji, or herself even. She was just angry and a tinge of something else.
The perplexed boy turned around to address her, but Mari continued walking away, her auburn hair bouncing as she moved. His brain tingled, hair standing on end. Something didn't sit right with that last interaction, but he simply blamed it on Mari and her antagonistic behavior towards Asuka.
Speaking of, Shinji turned focus and watched the redhead. Disinterested in whatever was happening in the aquarium, or at least feigning it, she was completely absorbed in her phone.
Somebody's jealous, Asuka thought. The nagging was back; the awkward, insecure teenager inside was uncannily good at popping up at the worst times.
Ugh, I am not, she thought.
Sure you are. Look at her: beautiful, intelligent, mature, popular. She's everything you want to be.
Asuka's face twisted into a snarl, her grip tightening on her phone, I am not jealous.
I bet Shinji would be happier with her, too.
Enough! Mari's fine, just being helpful.
Oh, look at you, making excuses for her. What are you most jealous of?
Stop.
Her eyes?
Stop, please.
Her hair?
Auf!
Her perky personality?
Aufhören!
Or her relationship with Shinji?
Enraged internally, Asuka's thumbs flew over her phone, wildly typing with reckless abandon.
[ASUKA unsent] I AM NOT JEALOUS!
She stopped and stared at her phone, thumb hovering precariously over the SEND button.
Who are you trying to convince?
Asuka sighed in defeat. She was jealous. She's always been jealous. Replaced again, unneeded, unwanted, isolated. Alone.
Tears began to form at the edges of her eyes, another pang of loss and guilt settling in her heart. Slowly the world came to a halt and she regretted being in this country, in this aquarium, with this group. She didn't belong here. She had nobody.
You don't need to prove anything, especially not to her. The voice rang out in her head. Hauntingly familiar, but with a tinge of... something different. It had grown in her mind, and now nearly growled at her. Whatever this voice was, it terrified her.
You already have a solo kill.
What?
You don't need backup.
Wait, what do you mean "solo kill"?
You don't need the First.
Stop, stop.
You don't need the loathsome Third.
I said stop!
You're the Second Child: 'Asuka Langley Sh-'
"Hey, Asuka-"
Her eyes refocused on the strange but familiar shape held out in front of her. Asuka slowly started to recognize what was being offered: fingers. A palm. A hand. An open hand. The arm. Connected to Shinji. His smile. Shinji Ikari's smile.
That smile, she blushed internally.
"- let's get out of here."
Asuka shook her head, clearing the lingering fog in her mind. "What?"
"I think we've got enough, and there's a whole other side of this place."
Shinji was still smiling, his gentle eyes coaxing the girl out of her shell, luring her into them. Peace. Familiarity. Happiness.
"What about the group?" Asuka asked, looking back towards the exhibit windows.
"They'll be fine."
"And what about Mari?"
Without hesitation, Shinji answered, "I don't care. I want to show you."
His hand was still offered, presented like a gift towards the girl. Gentle and inviting, the open gesture was more like a lifeline than she could ever tell him.
It was enticing, and when Asuka took that hand and was pulled to her feet, she felt as if she was pulled from another version of herself: bitter and alone. She could nearly see the opaque carbon copy sitting on the bench, corners of her mouth turned downward in a sour expression, thumbs still fiddling on the gadget before her.
And she pitied her. But the couple left without looking back, for this Asuka chose happiness.
The sun set on Yokohama, bathing the Tokyo Bay in amber. The calm waters reflected the pacified soul revolving through the air on a massive, circular track. Hands held tight, fingers interlocked, gripping not only their fleeting happiness, but also their grasp on reality.
Gentle waves lapped against docks: tender kisses from an ocean held at arm's length, unable to bring itself any closer. A salted breeze sighed into the Ferris wheel's gondola, breathing life and love onto its passengers.
The world below them rushed around, busy and full of energy, buzzing with their own wants and needs. But the two hearts here sat in silence, wanting and needing nothing more than what they had for the moment.
The cuddled pair could nearly pass for a singular creature, conjoined at the hands. The teens had ridden the large attraction for the last half-hour: its relative proximity to a much newer and faster roller coaster left it often undesired in the thrill-seeking age.
Asuka and Shinji had experienced their fair share of carnival games and adrenaline-pumping rides and had settled on a nice, private, uninterrupted ride. The isolation allowed them to speak freely for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
"You know you really scared me back there," Asuka sighed, her head still resting against Shinji's shoulder.
"I know. You've told me several times," he replied softly.
Silence sat with the couple on the opposite side of the gondola, slowly rocking in the wind, counterbalancing their weight. It was a heavy silence, full of so many unspoken thoughts that lingered between them for the last few months, made stronger by their recent separation. Shinji had returned to Myojo only days ago, but it was as if Asuka was even further away than before.
That silence's obese form interrupted nearly every conversation starter with a loud smacking of its lips, stifling any meaningful conversation. The space between them had become so vast, yet their physical forms could not be any closer without violating each other's being. It was up to one of them to banish the silence, to make the conscious effort to reach out in the darkness.
Asuka steeled herself, clenching nearly her entire soul against the body she rested against. Shinji had physically extended the offering earlier, the least she could do is reciprocate. With every muscle fiber pulled taught inside of her, she asked the question that had lingered since his terrifying collapse in the science lab. Unsure of the answer, not ready to know what was coming, she still asked as bravely as possible.
"Can I ask you something?"
Shinji felt his body clench, those three little words dancing back into his mind: 'I need you.' Time had continued to pass and they hadn't had any time to discuss it, and Asuka's withdrawn behavior formed many doubtful clouds in his mind.
I've never told her how I feel, and now she wants to talk? He gulped. Oh no...
"When you fainted-" Asuka started, squeezing Shinji's hand for strength.
Wait, what?
"- you said something. Do you remember?"
Shinji turned to look at her, but she wouldn't move and he could only watch the top of her head. Thinking back to the few memories of that day, he grimaced, "I think so."
"Why? Why her?" Asuka was shaking now, but she wouldn't face him. Not yet.
"What? 'Why' who?"
"I was the one who was there. I was the one who helped you," she bounced her anger off of the opposite side of the gondola.
"I know that."
"Then... why?"
Dumbfounded, Shinji's mind raced. What was she asking? 'Why her'? Who was 'her'?
"Then why did you ask for Mari?"
Shinji froze. Mari?
Thankfully, Asuka continued while he collected his thoughts, "I've played it over and over again in my head since that day. I haven't been scared like that since Kaworu died. Here I am, holding your unconscious form at a school half way across the world from home, and you're... you're asking for Mari..."
"Asuka-"
"Shinji, I-"
"- I didn't say 'Mari'," he bowled over her.
"You didn't?"
Shinji began to chuckle, bouncing Asuka's head lightly against his chest, "Somehow, I think you're going to be even more upset at what I said..."
At first annoyed by his reaction, Asuka then turned and faced Shinji for the first time in minutes, incensed at the stupid grin on his face. She recalled the interaction: the fear of his fall, the pride in her assistance, and the heartbreak when he called out another girl's name.
But that stupid grin persisted, and Shinji continued, "I said 'I'm sorry'."
Now nearly howling with a guilty laughter, the boy slowed when he saw the tears well up in his girlfriend's eyes. Throwing herself at him, Asuka wrapped her arms tight around him, squeezing with all of her might, before releasing and settling against him as they were before.
"Idiot..." she whispered.
"Is that why you've been so upset with me?" Shinji finally asked, breathing a sigh of relief.
"I guess so," Asuka replied, sheepishly staring at her knees.
"Asuka I don't like Mari. I- I want to be with you."
The embarrassed redhead tried to make herself as small as possible.
"Asuka, if you ever want to know something, all you have to do is ask."
"I guess I'm the one that needs to be sorry, now. I've been acting so stupidly."
"No," Shinji punctuated the thought with a kiss on the cheek. "You're amazing."
Asuka's cheeks reddened and she looked away, feeling unworthy of the gesture. But she wanted to make herself worthy of him again, "Can we try this again? All of this?"
The boy smiled and nodded, pulling her back close to him, "As many times as it takes."
"Ein neuer Anfang."
Shinji's eyes momentarily widened at the faintly familiar phrase, but his thoughts were quickly interrupted by a sharp pinch on his leg, causing him to jump in the gondola.
"Ow! What was that for?!"
The redhead buried her head into the crook of his neck, refusing to let go of his left hand when he reacted, "I just needed to make sure this was real."
"That's not how dreams work!" Shinji fired back, rubbing his thigh. "You're supposed to pinch yourself! If it hurts, it's not a dream!"
He then heard what he swore to be a sniffle, but couldn't turn to see her face as it was pressed into his shoulder. Looking down on the top of her head, Shinji asked softly, "Asuka?"
"My dreams always hurt..."
Unable to say anything, Shinji simply kissed the top of her head and sat in silence. Like the hands of a clock, the Ferris wheel continued its fixed revolution. Asuka and Shinji were rendered helpless to the movement, but they chose to be in this position, for they were together.
Say something, Shinji heard in the back of his mind.
Like what?
'I need you.'
He took a deep breath and tried to start, "Asuka?"
Preoccupied at the moment, however, Asuka searched through her purse, gently emptying the contents on the bench, "I guess I left my lipgloss in the dorm, damn."
Shinji lifted the SDAT from the pile as she returned the contents to her purse, "You brought this?"
Asuka blushed, slightly embarrassed at her sudden attachment to the device, "Yeah, I- I've been listening to it nonstop since you..." she trailed off.
"I didn't even notice it was missing. Thank you for taking care of it."
The redhead reached out to retrieve it, but was surprised to receive one of the earphones instead.
"There's something new," Shinji's smile could hardly be contained.
"Now?" Asuka asked, surprised.
"I told you: it's us."
Blushing again, Asuka put the earphone in and leaned against him.
Steeling his nerves against the new discovery, and attempting to stifle a slight shiver as the frigid seabreeze passed over them, Shinji pressed PLAY:
And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish you'd be unknown?
I can say that I have
I can say that I have
And do you ever feel things here aren't right?
And do you ever feel the time slip by?
I can say that I have
I can say that I have
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
And do you ever lay awake at night?
And do you ever tell yourself don't try?
Don't try to let yourself down
Don't try to let yourself down
And do you ever see yourself in love?
And do you ever take a chance, my love?
Because you know that I will
Because you know that I will
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
"'Everything's magic', huh?" Asuka remarked after the first listen.
Shinji's heart raced, Everything is magic...
"I don't get it," Asuka thought aloud. "I've listened to it every night since you got sick, hoping..."
Say it now.
"'Hoping'?"
Asuka restarted her thought, "If you getting sick was a trigger it means I didn't almost lose you for no reason."
Tell her now.
He looked at her puzzlingly, unsure of what to make from her statement. Thankfully Asuka explained her position.
"Shinji, I lost Mama to a head injury, and Kaworu to a brain tumor," she sniffled. "I couldn't- I couldn't bear to lose you, too."
Leaning forward, Shinji pulled Asuka close and kissed her gently on the lips before resting his forehead against hers. "I'm not going anywhere-"
"Shin-"
"I promise."
Good enough.
Shinji sighed, his eyes watching the sun had set nearly an hour ago and the students were due back at the busses by 8:15. The end of a perfect day was upon them, an unfortunate consequence of the unstoppable march of time.
Leaving the Ferris wheel, the couple walked in relative silence, still hand-in-hand, each afraid that breaking the contact would end the day's shared bliss. As they boarded the busses, they caught a thoroughly exhausted Hikari resting her head against Toji's shoulder while he spoke loudly with another boy.
Sitting near the back of the bus, the couple reinserted the earphones and began to listen again.
"It's a catchy song, at least," Asuka whispered through a yawn.
Shinji concurred and watched out the window as they left the sea park. Asuka again leaned her head on his shoulder, and he could feel her tired body slip off as the music played.
Equally exhausted, Shinji found himself unable to rest, however; the newest song teasing his mind.
What triggered it? he pondered, unable to pinpoint exactly when it would've appeared. The SDAT had remained in Asuka's purse since they arrived at the park, meaning any number of actions could've brought it on.
He continued to turn the events of the day over his head as the bus continued back to Tokyo, taking the scenic Bayshore Route along the coastline. The lack of answers frustrated Shinji until several bright lights broke his line of thought and drew his attention elsewhere.
As the expressway turned north just past Haneda Airport, several bright spotlights shone upwards on a massive crucifix, dozens of stories tall. Standing awkwardly in the Bay, the illuminated structure appeared to another of the Remnants.
While the Remnant itself was unsightly enough, it's gaping, bleeding chest wound appeared to be unnoticed by everyone on the bus but Shinji. A terrifying weight was pressed upon his body, rendering him immobile.
Shinji had never felt such darkness before: an infinite blanket of terror and despair crushed down upon him and his vision faded. Unable to breathe or think, he could only sit as he attempted to calm himself.
Darkness. Emptiness. Loneliness. And then...
"You are running out of time."
Shinji spun around, seeing a familiar head of blue hair standing behind him. "Rei?!"
His late twin sister stood before him: she wore an unfamiliar outfit, and had an uncannily placid expression upon her face, but Shinji recognized the remarkably light hair and intense red eyes.
Unable to contain himself, even though this was nothing but a dream, Shinji launched himself at his sister, wrapping his arms around her tightly. But she never returned the gesture, her arms dangling awkwardly at her side while he held her.
"What are you doing?" Rei asked.
"I miss you so much," Shinji sobbed. "I know this isn't real, but it's good enough. It's been so hard without you."
Rei continued to stand still, "Ikari..."
'Ikari'?
Shinji's arms dropped and he backed away quickly. Something was very wrong.
"Rei..."
Red eyes widened quickly, and Rei took a step back, "You still do not know."
"What don't I know?"
"I am sorry, I arrived too soon."
"What don't I know, Rei?!"
Song: "Everything's Magic" by Angels & Airwaves
