Asuka Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 13: The Past is Never Far
A gentle shake stirred Shinji back to consciousness, Asuka's soft eyes and gentle voice welcoming him back to Myojo Academy. A thick fog lingered over him as he shuffled clumsily off of the bus, causing him to nearly miss the last step, stumbling awkwardly into the loading circle.
Shinji shook his head repeatedly, failing to clear the confused malaise on his mind, and simply allowed himself to be led to the elevators by Asuka. While they had spent a magical afternoon and evening at the theme park, and he blushed every time he recalled the soft feeling of her lips against his, something else sat just beyond his mind. Something important.
Swaying back and forth in the elevator, Shinji slowly felt the effects of his nap fade away and he watched his classmates exit the lift. Eventually only he and Asuka remained, traveling up the dozen levels between the first-year floors and the fourth-year apartments.
The missing memory seemed to swing near his grasp on a pendulum, but every time he felt himself reach for it it would shift, sent tumbling by his uncertain hand. Fortunately, he would glance at the girl to his right and it would temporarily calm the interest, at least until the temptation passed by again.
Eventually Shinji gave up, the memory so distant and blurry he wasn't sure what he'd find again, instead focusing on the impending walk to the end of the evening. An unwelcome end in the couples' minds, but an unavoidable end.
Still hand-in-hand, Asuka turned back to him at her door, blushing herself before speaking, eyes averted ever so slightly, "Shinji, I- I don't know what to say. Today was amazing."
"'Amazing'," Shinji bashfully repeated.
"I'm sorry I've been so difficult lately. I- I don't know what I would've done... if I were in your shoes."
"'Shoes'..."
"Well," she smiled again, "it's almost ten, and we have class tomorrow: obviously you can't come in."
"'Obviously'."
She smiled at him, her blue eyes blazing as bright as he remembered, "I hate that today has to end."
Shinji's smile faded slightly, but he reminded her that he would still be there in the morning.
And every morning after that.
"I could, you know," Asuka trailed off as she bit her lip, "I could go for a kiss goodnight."
As the two joined at the lips, whatever lingering confusion in Shinji's mind washed away, forever secondary to whatever was happening right now.
Asuka awoke with a jolt, her phone alarm bringing her out of whatever dream she had. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she noticed the flushed look in her face before sensing the warmth on her cheeks. An unhideable smile sat on her lips, the same lips that were once pressed against his, and she began to get ready for the day.
Unable to shake the warmth of his arm wrapped around her or the reaffirming pressure of his held hand, Asuka forced herself through her morning routine. However, the mental distractions proved greater than she originally believed, at one point catching herself attempting to painfully brush her teeth with her hair brush. Unfortunately, the momentary lapse in consciousness was also witnessed by her roommates who were milling about the shared bathroom: Mari exiting in a towel while Mayumi was applying the faintest of makeup. Both stopped in their place and watched as the redhead burned a shade only fractionally lighter than her hair and shrunk down at the counter.
"In case you didn't know, Eure Hoheit, the hairbrush goes in your hair," Mari cackled.
Asuka couldn't meet the older girl's eyeline in the mirror and simply stared at the reflection of the counter.
"What's this: no witty retort, no quip, no jab?"
More silence.
Mayumi turned and smiled in the mirror, "I haven't seen you this flustered before, Asuka."
"Hang on a minute!" Mari shouted, quickly grabbing Asuka's shoulders and turning them towards her. She carefully lifted her chin and inspected the shorter girl. "Look, May."
"I noticed it as soon as she came in this morning."
Tired of being treated like a lab rat, Asuka turned her head, freeing herself from Mari's hand, and took a step back. But the other girls' smirks remained, leaving her even more confused.
"My goodness, something must have happened yesterday."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Asuka put on the flattest tone she could, but her rosy cheeks continued to betray her.
"Don't play dumb with us, Prinzessin: we can see that smile."
Asuka turned away and tried to hide her face, "I- I have no-"
"That's a boy smile."
"Huh? Wha-?"
"Oh, shut it."
"We're happy for you," Mayumi smiled through the mirror again, finishing her makeup.
"You don't speak for me!" Mari shot a look in the other girl's direction.
Turning to face Mari, the raven-haired girl rolled her eyes, "Do I need to tell her what you said the other n-"
"Shut up, Mayumi!"
Asuka giggled a bit, only half-paying attention to the other girls while she continued to brush her hair. Occasionally she'd steal a glance in their direction only to be met with an annoyed pair of turquoise eyes staring back.
"Ich versteh nur Bahnhof."
After a tense moment, Mari took a deep breath and squared herself towards Asuka. Making direct eye contact with the younger girl in the mirror, she dropped her towel, putting her fists on her hips in a display of triumph. Mayumi flinched in the mirror, quickly averting her gaze, but Asuka simply smiled and brushed her hair.
"Oh, for the love of God, I can't get a reaction out of you any more?!" Mari shrieked as she pulled the towel back up.
"Could you please not do it that way? I didn't need to see that," Mayumi said.
Tucking the towel back under her arm, Mari rolled her eyes, deflated, "Well, looks like I need to find a new game: our girl's lovestruck."
Both roommates exited the bathroom leaving Asuka to herself, who noticed the rosiness on her cheeks and the slight upward turn of the corners of her mouth. The prior day at Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise had brought her closer to Shinji than she'd ever felt before, and the impromptu makeout session in the hall had left her body tingling.
Nearly skipping down the hallway to the elevator, Asuka ignored the singular jab tossed her direction before they entered the lift, instead grinning wildly as Mari rolled her eyes in even more annoyance.
When she exited the elevator, Shinji was exiting directly opposite of hers. Asuka grinned and blushed, but the boy missed it as he filed out, cell phone pressed to his ear. She followed him around the corner, maintaining her distance, while he sat in the lobby, hanging his head while still on the phone.
"His mom wants him back home on Friday," Hikari explained, stopping next to Asuka.
Asuka nearly leapt into the air when she heard the voice, having been so preoccupied with Shinji. Catching this moment, Hikari giggled and apologized.
"Geez, warn a girl before you do something like that!" After collecting herself, she began to speak, but stopped when Shinji hung up the phone. She and Hikari approached him to continue the conversation with the subject.
"So, I hear you have to go back home for the weekend?"
"Yeah, my mother wants to check out my lungs one last time. She said pneumonia can linger if it's not treated fully," Shinji sighed. "She's been so careful ever since…"
"Hey," Asuka reached out and touched his shoulder, "I get it. Papa was overly cautious when Mama got hurt, and then Kaworu getting sick only worsened it."
Shinji smiled for what felt like the hundredth time this morning, "Thanks for understanding, Asuka."
"Okay, love birds: let's get breakfast!"
Asuka slammed her notebook shut, standing from her desk and entering the shared living space. A foul, bitter smell had initially caught her attention, but it was the fear of setting off the fire alarms that drew her from her confines.
She moved quickly from window to window, throwing them open before confronting the would-be arsonist at the scene of the crime, snatching the pan and its charred contents and depositing them in the sink.
"Mein Gott, how are you four years older than me?!"
Mari stepped out of the way and put her hands on her hips, "That was our lunch."
"I wouldn't feed that to a volcano," Asuka quipped back, shaking her head as she watched the smoke dissipate slowly. "You're going to burn the place down."
"It wasn't that bad!"
Asuka side-eyed her before pulling out her phone. The glance did enough to back Mari off.
"What are you doing?"
"Ordering pizza."
Before dialing the designated number, however, Asuka fired off a text message.
[ASUKA] It was nice knowing you. Mari's trying to burn the building down.
After pressing SEND, Asuka placed the pizza order and sat back on the couch in a huff. Despite all her haughtiness, Mari was as much of a trainwreck as any usual teenage girl would be. Deep down, it made her smile, humanizing what had become a major annoyance over the last few months.
When the meal arrived, the three girls sat at the table and ate together, quite possibly for the first time since they'd moved in, Asuka couldn't remember. If it weren't the first time, it was the first time they'd done it without arguments and jabs hurled in each other's directions. It was nice.
"So, Mari, have you picked a University yet?"
Asuka's attention turned towards Mari, watching the older girl chew on Mayumi's question. She hadn't considered that this was both of their last year at Myojo Academy and they'd be moving on. Asuka hadn't even considered her own educational future yet.
"I have a couple of offers, but I- I'm really looking at Marduk University, in France," Mari answered, uncharacteristically sheepish.
The answer piqued Asuka's curiosity and she inserted herself into the older girls' conversation, "Why there?"
"I want to get into their medical school, and then work with the Marduk Institute for Cancer Research."
"Why?" Asuka fired back, letting her bitter experience with one of the junior research assistants influence her more than she expected.
Fortunately, Mari ignored the sarcastic tone and answered honestly, "My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was young. I've wanted to beat cancer ever since."
Asuka sank into her chair, embarrassed, "Oh... I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Mari waved her hand dismissively. "There's no way you'd know that. She died almost a decade ago."
"I've been rooming with Mari for three years now, and this is the first I've heard about it, as well," Mayumi smiled and reached out to the girl to her right. "I'm very sorry to hear, Mari."
"Thank you both. Anyway, I've wanted to attend there ever since then. I've even learned French and a little bit of German, to go along with my English and Japanese. But," she paused, looking away from the group, "I still haven't heard anything from them, and I applied last year."
"Some of those European schools really take their time with international students," Mayumi offered. "There's still plenty of time."
Asuka's phone buzzed in her hand and she flipped it open, smiling at the delayed response from Shinji. Even now equipped with a cell phone, he was never as attached to it as his peers.
[SHINJI] Don't let that happen. I kind of like you.
'I kind of like you.' she giggled to herself, imagining his blush as he typed those words. Her own cheeks quickly matched his as she set her phone back down, returning to the conversation.
"- my father wants me to go to a school back in the UK, where he attended. But-"
"Hey, wait a minute!" Asuka interrupted, perking up at the table.
Both of the older girls turned her direction.
"My father sits on the board for the Marduk Institute. I could talk to him and see if he knows anyone in admissions."
"You'd- you'd do that for me?"
Asuka glanced back at her phone, heart fluttering again at the short conversation she had with her boyfriend, all insecurities she'd held over the last month washing away, "Of course. We're roommates, and... friends. Right?"
Mari smiled, "Ohne Zweifel."
Smiling at her new friend, Asuka perked up at the table and rejoined the conversation. Once a major pain in her backside, Mari became quickly tolerable as she found herself more comfortable around her.
No, not Mari, Asuka smiled. More comfortable with Shinji.
Locking down what was currently the best thing in her life had solved so many other issues. Who knew this one relationship would fix all my other ones?
'I kind of like you.' That idiot. I kind of... I kind of like him, too.
Mindlessly packing his school work into his bookbag, Shinji's thoughts were back at Myojo Academy. He'd received a cryptic text from Asuka during his cello lesson and hoped her apartment hadn't literally burned to the ground. Though, with only half a second's-worth of thought, he knew it wouldn't be true. But still, that living situation was a tinderbox ready for ignition at any moment, and Shinji could only imagine what had spurned the text.
Despite being back home with his mother and the Horaki family, the anxious boy repeatedly checked the clock, only wishing for the day to move quickly so he could return to Tokyo. Return to Asuka. Return to his newfound happiness.
A couple hours remained until the train was expected to depart, and Hikari was finishing up the dishes from lunch in her kitchen. Yui had hugged Shinji goodbye before heading back to her practice, even on a Sunday, a familiar experience for the boy, and Teiko and Nozomi had left for the restaurant.
"I'm really happy that things are working out for you, Shinji," Hikari smiled as she washed the dishes and Shinji collected what was left on the table. "And for Asuka, too."
"Thanks Hikari."
"She seems to be in a much better place this last week."
"Yeah, definitely," he replied, dropping the last of the dishes in the sink. "Wait, when did you talk to her?"
"Oh, uh, about an hour ago? While you were walking your mother out. She called about some homework assignment she was stuck on, so I talked her through it. Then we chatted about her brother."
Shinji paused as he grabbed his bag from the table, "She told you about Kaworu?"
"Yeah. She said he was always better at math, so she was glad I could help."
Hikari continued after a moment, "It's really tragic, you know: that she also had a twin that passed. I can't imagine..."
Dropping his bag by the front door, Shinji replied, "Yeah. I guess they weren't super close later on, but still..."
"She said he didn't really have any friends."
"Yeah, I've heard that."
"Except Rei. Which I think is pretty crazy, but also kind of cool."
Shinji stopped in his tracks, "What?"
Still washing the dishes, Hikari's voice bent around the corner, but it was still frighteningly clear, "Yeah, Asuka said it was weird: she remembered catching him texting someone at early and late hours, and eventually he confessed it was Rei. I have no idea what the time difference is between here and Germany."
Lightheaded, Shinji stumbled forward, catching himself against the wall with his left hand. His right quickly reached up and began to massage his temples. A splitting headache had descended upon him almost instantaneously.
"Which, I think that's sweet. I didn't know Rei had a German penpal."
His heart was racing, head pounding. He was so near something he could practically recall it, but it hung just out of his grasp, teasing Shinji with knowledge.
"I wonder if they spoke Japanese or German?" Hikari continued thinking out loud from the kitchen. "I know Asuka speaks Japanese, so I can only guess her brother did, too."
In an instant it clicked: the fog lifting from his mind, revealing something horrifying.
Without thinking, Shinji spoke aloud, "Rei spoke German."
There was an awkward pause from Hikari and Shinji reentered the kitchen, white as a ghost, "What? I didn't know that."
He recalled a lesson with his sister a year prior, "We were discussing Wagner and Mr. Grant had us playing through Tristan Und Isolde."
"What a beautiful story," Shinji smiled, resting his cello against himself as his attention turned to the sheet music before him. He flipped through the score, eyes bouncing between staves as he imagined the different parts complimenting the aria.
"Indeed it is, Shinji. A tale as old as time, and beautifully set to music by the great Richard Wagner. If you ever get a chance to see it, please do: both of you," Mr. Grant nodded.
"What, uh," Shinji looked through the score and stopped at a section, "What is Isolde saying here?"
Masaru took the score and read the German aloud, "'Hör ich nur diese Weise, die so wundervoll und leise, Wonne klagend, alles sagend, mild versöhnend aus ihm tönend, in mich dringet, auf sich schwinget, hold erhallend um mich klinget?'"
After a moment of study he spoke again, "I apologize, Shinji, but I don't speak enough German to translate it. But this is towards the end, where Isolde, in her delirious grief over the passing of her beloved, envisions him awaking."
"Beautiful," was the only response Shinji could think of.
Surprising everyone in the room, Rei's gentle voice rose beyond her music stand and translated for everyone, "'Do I alone hear this melody, which wonderfully and softly, lamenting delight, telling it all, mildly reconciling sounds out of him, invades me, swings upwards, sweetly resonating rings around me?'"
"Rei spoke German? I never knew that," Hikari broke the odd silence after Shinji recounted the memory.
"I don't know why I forgot that. I never thought there was another reason she might."
I don't remember her ever speaking it other than then, Shinji thought. He knew he needed to do something, but couldn't remember what.
"Either way, what are the odds that it would be Asuka's brother?"
German. Rei. Kaworu. Wait- it was like something was missing, and that missing piece hurt him.
Shinji stumbled backwards and knocked a glass off the drying rack, hearing it shatter as it hit the ground. Ignoring the explosion, he turned and sprinted for the door. Clumsily sliding around the corner in socks, his mind could only focus on one thing:
"A -".
"Don't worry about that, Hikari, I- I'll clean it up in a sec!" His voice faded down the hall as he made for the exit. "Just leave it!"
"Shinj- Shinji? Is everything okay?"
Stopping just before the door, Shinji turned and looked at Hikari, unsure of what to say, "I, uh, yeah, um, I have to go, go to the bathroom. At- at my house-"
"What? At your house?"
He fumbled with the lock, eventually slipping out and peeking in again, "I'll be right back! Sorry! Bye!"
He turned around and opened his own apartment door, slowing as he neared her bedroom. Suddenly everything felt heavy, felt slow, like some part of him was trying to stall. Like he didn't want to know the truth.
Shinji's hand trembled as it gently slid open the door, afraid of what may lie in wait behind it. Would she be there? Waiting? Unfortunately, it was nothing but the empty reminder of his late sister, undisturbed. A thick layer of dust sitting neatly atop the entire room, resting like a gentle sheet, protecting the enshrined contents within.
Slowly he stepped into the room, unsure of what he was most afraid of: finding something or finding nothing at all.
Lying prone on his late sister's floor, he reached under the bed again, finger fumbling around with the envelope he'd tossed back underneath there a week ago. It came to him far faster than he wanted: deep down, Shinji didn't want to find it, to find anything.
He wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
Steeling his nerves and drawing a deep breath, Shinji flipped through the pages until he found the letter again.
"A -"
He stopped reading the letter and folded it neatly, placing it into his front pocket, making no attempt to try and understand what was being said. The opening address had already confirmed the worst: it was to his sister, written in a language no one else in the household would understand.
Rei Ikari kept a secret from him. And that thought chilled Shinji to the bone.
The return trip to Tokyo was only an hour long, but he still found himself restless. Every passing tree and telephone pole ticked away the time he could return to Asuka to discuss his findings, yet after seemingly a thousand counted, Shinji couldn't tell how many were left.
Whether or not Hikari sensed his nervousness, Shinji couldn't tell. Or simply didn't care. The rabbithole had proven far deeper than he'd ever expected, especially with the folded piece of paper in his pocket. And then there was something else... something urgent... something forgotten.
His mind focused on the thought, almost weighed down by it. As the crushing weight pressed against him, he felt the unfortunately familiar sensation wash over him. Again his lungs felt compressed, nearly unable to take in air. He was near one, he just couldn't remember where.
As the train came around another bend, Shinji spotted the Remnant: the first one he'd seen back in December. The same one he swore he'd seen smile back in January, among other odd movements throughout his repeat trips to and from his home. Never once did Hikari or any other passenger react to it, however, so never once did he make a mention of it.
Except this time it was moving, lumbering towards the train, gaining speed. As the titanic monster closed in, Shinji's heart sank: he now remembered what he'd forgotten. What was about to happen. Where he was going. The giant ripped the train from the tracks and took a bite from Shinji's car, swallowing him into the void.
Down he fell, falling for an eternity. Except at some point he'd landed, the transition from freefall to laying on the ground instantaneous, painless, eventless. Shinji pushed himself to his feet and after a moment of careful inspection, realized he was whole, standing in this mysterious space. Cavernous and hollow, his words echoed off of walls he had no idea existed, no judgment on distance.
"Hello?"
A pause, and then his own voice played back to him, slightly quieter. Then again, and again, until the echo ceased.
"Where am I?"
But before the echo arrived, a new voice replied, "You are at the barrier between worlds."
Shinji spun on his heel, again confronted by a strange simulation of his late sister. It appeared as her and sounded like her, but there was something imperceptibly different.
"Rei?"
The pale visage of his late sister nodded.
"Rei, I- I don't know what's going on. You- you seem different."
"It would appear that way at the moment..."
A new voice from behind. Slightly familiar, but it sent shivers up his spine. The words seemed to crawl over him, lingering on his skin for far too long. The voice scared him enough that Shinji almost refused to turn and confront it.
"... but I don't think she does it on purpose."
Shinji held his eyes shut, almost unwillingly, deeply disturbed, "Who- who are you?"
"Curious," the male voice spoke. "He still hasn't figured it out yet."
"Her will is strong here. We suspected this would be difficult," Rei spoke past Shinji to the other voice.
"The soul of the Lilin is fascinating," the voice behind Shinji was nearly singing in response. Almost amused by what was occurring, "To think that hers could affect this world out of fear alone."
Shinji stared straight ahead at Rei, trying to understand what was being discussed. His head began to ache, a dull throb suddenly appearing in the center of his mind.
"Oh, come now, you still won't face me?"
"I- I-" The throbbing had expanded, the anxious fear fixing him to the spot.
"Let's hurry this along," the voice said before suddenly materializing next to Rei.
Male, slightly taller than her, ash grey hair, and a cold, piercing red gaze. Shinji had only seen that face once, but he immediately recognized it.
"You're- you're Asuka's brother!" Shinji blurted out.
The boy sighed, "A soul so lonely the best that could happen was a twin sibling predestined to die..."
Even in sadness his voice was light, words dancing off of his lips, as if he were fascinated by the very fact that he was already dead.
Shinji's head started spinning, his aching mind growing disoriented.
"Even in a world free of Evas, her heart is unable to accept happiness."
'A world free... of...?'
The subtle throb in his mind quickly grew into a sharp stabbing sensation. Shinji immediately doubled over, his vision blurring, barely able to see the white sneakers approach him.
"And so, as she expects hurt and pain, she creates hurt and pain. A tragic cycle..."
"I- I don't..." Shinji stumbled over his words.
"You know exactly who I'm talking about, don't you, Shinji Ikari?"
Shinji fell to his knees, strange thoughts and memories flooding his brain. Almost unwillingingly, he could only mutter but one word, "Asuka..."
"Shinji, open your eyes to what is happening. See this world for what it is:"
"I- I-"
"A lie."
"Nagisa, that is enough."
"'Nagisa'? Even after all this time, Rei... after everything we've been through. I'm hurt."
"Kaworu," Rei obediently corrected.
Kaworu raised his hands in surrender and turned back to Rei, "Fine, fine. Anyway, you are the one who said we were running short on time."
"You cannot make him remember. It has never worked that way."
What? Shinji couldn't speak, the pain in his head paralyzing him.
"I was only trying to assist him."
Why are you talking about me?
"There is still time."
Wait...
"They're dematerializing and drawing items from elsewhere: hardly a sign of stability."
'Elsewhere'?
"Her heart is strong. And we don't want a repeat of before."
I'm going to be sick...
"I barely had time to get to know her, but she did indeed seem happy."
Asuka?
"It is fleeting."
"If we rush this, she may run again," Kaworu stooped down and looked into Shinji's eyes before offering a hand to pull him standing again. His eyes were disarmingly calm, his voice's cheery tone adding to the effect, "And let's not suffer through that again, then."
Shinji nervously accepted the offering, extending a shaking hand to the other boy, but when their skin touched, he doubled over again, head nearly exploding. Visions flooded his mind, incomprehensibly stacked on top of each other: ivory keys, warm water, humming, a kitten, a splash, pain, sadness, betrayal, anger, red, blue, purple, white.
Kaworu began singing softly. A sickly sweet song. An all-too familiar tune: "Wem der grosse Wurf gelungen, Eines Freundes Freund zu sein; Wer ein holdes Weib errungen, Mische seinen Jubel ein..."
Shinji vomited onto his shoes, what looked to be nothing but stomach acid splashing across the ground. But as quickly as the substance appeared, it disappeared, leaving him with only the queasy feeling and a migraine, shoes as clean as before. Heaving again, the viscous fluid again streaked through the air before disappearing.
"Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund! Und wer's nie gekonnt, der stehle, weinend sich aus diesem Bund!"
"You are being cruel, Kaworu," Rei admonished, ceasing the music.
After a few moments, in an unbelievable amount of pain, Shinji shakily addressed the boy before him, "Y-you... you... I- we... we..."
"Yes," Kaworu suddenly appeared on the other side of Shinji, disorienting him further. "We are familiar."
"H- h- how?"
"Oh, through what feels like nearly countless lifetimes now; I'm sure it's hard to really narrow any one of them down at this point."
The pain in his head grew, radiating from deep within his mind as the other boy spoke.
"But," Kaworu rematerialized next to the unmoving vision of Shinji's sister. "There was a beginning to all this... an almost imperceptibly long time ago."
"I do not believe you are helping," Rei's words were so delicately spoken, as if she wished to avoid disturbing even the air she used to speak.
He raised his hands before shoving them into his pockets, still smiling, "I am only here to help."
"H- have," Shinji finally righted himself, drawing a deep breath before starting over, "The songs: it's been you."
Both mysterious guests stood quietly for a moment before looking in his direction.
"Shinji-"
"Shinji. Hey Shinji, wake up. We're here."
Shinji's eyes opened and focused on Hikari's face, leaning over and gently shaking him. While remarkably similar to the last fog he awoke in, this time his memories of that place and his dreams remained.
"Wha-? What happened?" he asked as he grabbed his bag from the overhead rack.
"Apparently you were in need of a nap: you fell asleep only fifteen minutes ago. Sorry you couldn't sleep any more," Hikari smiled sweetly as she led the two out to the platform.
Shinji quickly stuffed his hand into his pocket, feeling the folded piece of paper and breathing a sigh of relief. It was only a miniscule and temporary relief, but it was enough to get him back to the dorms.
While the subway ride back near campus was quick, emerging from the station near the school sent another shiver up Shinji's spine: what was he supposed to do, barge into Asuka's apartment and say, 'Hey, Asuka, did you know we're in a false reality created by our twin siblings and they conspired to get us together over a year ago before they died? Me neither, thanks for asking.'?
Shinji shrugged the ridiculously sarcastic thought from his mind as he entered his dorm room, unaware of how he'd made it there so quickly. He'd been so preoccupied he wasn't sure where Hikari went, or whether or not he made plans to see her again.
Tossing his bag on his bed, Shinji grabbed the SDAT from his desk and headed back for the door. But as he reached for the knob, something inside him made him stop. Cobalt eyes peered at the object in his hand, the mysterious SDAT. Turning it over, the music player had suddenly become much more foreign than before. He barely recognized it.
This unfamiliarity set off a barrage of questions in Shinji's mind, beginning with whether or not he believed any of what he heard and ending with what he would tell Asuka. Without anything to go off of, he turned back and sat on his bed.
Question after question piled up in his mind, stacking atop each other, overwhelming him. Rei and Kaworu spoke in circles around him and his situation, but were very clear about Asuka's importance. While he didn't believe the two just on word alone, there was enough to make Shinji question what was actually occurring.
Since December, Shinji and Asuka had felt like something wasn't quite right. The strange visions and disappearances, foreign music no one else could hear, and objects that didn't belong all pointed towards something. But now there was a piece of evidence he couldn't ignore, a piece of evidence that somehow implicated his and Asuka's late-twin siblings.
And they implicated Asuka herself.
Shinji pulled the letter from his pocket and unfolded it, eyes scanning for any sense of what was being said. Unfortunately, the little English offered little assistance here.
Picking the final line, Shinji opened his phone and searched for a web translator. Rudimentary, but it would get enough across until he asked a fluent German speaker for the rest.
'Ein neuer Anfang.'
He punched it in and waited as the device slowly pulled results.
"'A new beginning'."
Flopping back onto the bed, Shinji's phone bounced out of his hand onto the floor. His eyes unfocused on the ceiling and he just breathed.
At first, no thoughts passed through his mind, nothing but the stillness of the air and gentle warmth of the bed underneath giving him any stimulation.
"A new beginning."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Shinji asked aloud, quickly self-conscious. Sitting up he looked around, unsure of his roommate's location. "Uhh, hey, Musashi, are you here?"
Silence.
Shinji stood and checked the bathroom, confirming it was empty before sitting back down on his bed. He leaned forward, hands clasped tightly together.
"A new beginning."
Those three words teased him, dancing around in his mind. What was new? When was the beginning? What happened before?
Answers skipped away from his grasp, looking back and smirking at the boy who just couldn't reach. Their hands trailed behind, begging Shinji to reach out and pull them back, consuming their knowledge, but his fingertips only brushed theirs, and again they'd pull away, giggling all the while.
Shinji thought harder, concentrated more, squeezing every bit of information he could from his own mind, but nothing made sense. His inability to recall any of the events Rei or Kaworu had passingly mentioned only reaffirmed his decision.
Standing from the bed, Shinji tucked the letter and SDAT into his luggage, neatly stashed under his bed. If the answers weren't going to come to him any more, then he was going to embrace the new beginning.
"Stop hitting me!"
Asuka swiped her weapon of choice again, striking her opponent on the arm, "Tell me!"
Tired of the onslaught, Kaworu shot his hand out, snatching his sister's pillow-wielding wrist, temporarily halting the attack, "There's nothing to tell!"
"Detarame!" She challenged in Japanese. "I've seen you on the phone at night, or texting early in the morning!"
In one smooth motion, Asuka dropped the pillow in her snared wrist and caught it with her free hand, slapping her brother with it, "Who are you talking to?"
"I'm not talking to anyone!"
THWACK!
"Stop it!" Kaworu argued with a laugh.
"What's her name?"
THWACK!
"Where'd you meet her?"
THWACK!
"At the Gala."
Asuka stopped herself mid-swing, the pillow following through, lightly grazing his arm. A lump formed in her throat and she meekly got out, "Oh… so, she's…"
"Destined to the same role I am, yes."
Asuka sat down on her bed, dejected. "What… what do you talk about?"
Kaworu sighed and rubbed his sister's shoulder, "The journey to the end."
"Good afternoon to all of my wonderful musicians!"
The music club's members entered the room one-by-one, warily watching the surprise guest at the door. Asuka and Shinji bowed slightly before slipping in and unpacking their instruments, unsure of what to make of the woman's presence.
As the last of the musicians entered, Deputy Director Katsuragi followed, gently closing the door behind her. Sitting at the podium at the front, the purple-haired woman smiled before greeting everyone again.
"Well! I'm glad to see you all this afternoon!"
"Good afternoon Miss Katsuragi," the club droned, still unsure of themselves.
"I'm guessing you're all wondering why I'm here, and where Mrs. Ueda is?"
Almost every head nodded.
"Mrs. Ueda had her baby early this morning!" she cheered.
Lots of loud gasps and surprises rumbled through the room, followed by a nervous excitement: there were two events planned for the weekend and a surprise guest at the helm.
"So, the plan is to rehearse you all this afternoon, and take, um," Misato flipped a few pages in her folder, "Group A, it looks like, to Tokyu Plaza Omotesando for an event. And then, hmm, it looks like Group B has a trip to Onioshidashi tomorrow right after school for a stargazing event! How exciting!"
"Um, Miss Katsuragi?" Shinji asked, raising his hand.
"Yes?"
"I don't mean to be rude, but can you rehearse us?"
Shinji's concern was echoed with several nervous nods and glances, but the woman smiled brightly.
"Actually, I can. I may not look it, but I performed with the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force Music Corps for a short while. It was very rewarding."
"Oh wow, what did you play?" a cellist in group A asked.
"I actually played the French horn, but my mother was a violinist. So, I've been around string instruments my entire life. You could say it's in my blood," she added with a smile.
A few other students chimed in with questions, but the woman had to pad them down, "Now, now, if you want to talk about my time in the Music Corps, we can, but we have two groups that need polishing before their performances!"
Unable to dodge a mere handful of questions, the groups broke out into their own ensembles a few minutes later. Shinji and Asuka's group formed a semicircle out of chairs and sat down.
After the players tuned and warmed up, Lin suggested Pachelbel's "Canon in D" to begin. Before Shinji could start, however, Misato strolled by with a peculiar request.
"Hey, guys, could we try something?"
"Sure, Miss Katsuragi," Shinji smiled, lowering his bow from the strings.
"Misato is fine, at least in here," the older woman smiled back. "'Miss Katsuragi' gets so stuffy all the time. And music is special to me."
"Uh, okay, M- Miss Misato."
Shaking her head with a slight grin, Misato continued, "Fair enough. Anyway, I'd like to change up the seating arrangement. It's something I've seen done a few times and appreciated: by separating the first and second violins, it really warms up what can sometimes be a very shrill sound coming from the left side."
"I think we can try that," Kenji nodded and stood with his things. Swapping places with Asuka, the arrangement now sat her next to Shinji, and he blushed slightly when she winked at him.
"I didn't even consider I'd be putting the couple next to each other! How cute," the temporary director smiled.
"This is an awkward layout," Kenji muttered after the older woman left. "It must be a very deliberate choice."
Lin, Asuka, and Shinji all nodded in agreement, but decided to go with it for as long as Misato was overseeing. Resetting for Pachelbel, Shinji stole one last glance at Asuka, now to his right, and set to begin.
'Good morning Ikari.'
"It's afternoon, Asuka."
"What?" Asuka looked at Shinji, bow screeching slightly as she lowered her violin.
"You said, 'Good morning Ikari.'"
"I did?"
Shinji nodded again, "I heard you."
"No she didn't," Kenji corrected.
Shinji, now acutely aware of all six eyes on him, shook his head and set back up against his cello. The other three slowly returned to playing position, still watching the boy as he began the slow arpeggios. One by one, each players' focus left the cellist as they entered the song, but Shinji's ears never heard the music. He only heard one thing:
'See this world for what it is: a lie.'
Shinji unbuttoned his suit coat and sat down in the chair, opening his binder on the music stand. A crisp mountain breeze blew over the quartet, cooling the early summer but turning pages against his will. Pulling the clothespins from his pocket, he clipped the sheet music open to the stand: an inelegant solution, but practical enough to serve millions of outdoor musicians for centuries.
Asuka sat to his right in the new arrangement, still foreign compared to hundreds of years of quartet seating, taking the extra clothespins from Shinji's offered hand. In a sparkling black dress, Shinji couldn't help but be entranced by the beautiful girl as she began to tune her instrument for the third time that night: the stringed instruments didn't appreciate temperature fluctuations as the sun set over the park's lawn.
As the rest of the quartet settled in, Misato came up to the group with a big smile. Wearing a simple navy blue dress, she looked much more like a star-gazer than the temporary director of the young musicians. She leaned down and smiled at the children, wishing them the best of luck on their performance.
Still early in the season, cicadas only offered a subtle droning. While not as loud as they could be in later months, the faint buzzing covered up the hushed conversations of the guests enough to let the first-year performers breathe a sigh of relief for their inaugural appearance.
The start time had passed and the host of the evening was yet to arrive, leaving the students unsure of whether to begin or not. Misato placed her hand gently on Shinji's shoulder, "Hey, Shinji. Why don't we buy some time? Do you have something short you can play?"
"Yes ma'am," Shinji nodded and placed his bow against the strings.
Horsehair pulled against metal, and the young cellist began the night with Bach's Cello Prelude. Eyes shut, digits flew across the fingerboard, drawing the soul out of the sweeping motions across four strings.
Asuka watched in awe of the performance, starstruck that music of that caliber could come from not only someone she knew, but someone she liked. A lot. The last time she'd heard this piece was back in his apartment, when they envisioned a very different apartment.
As the brief piece came to an end, the host stepped up to the mic and introduced himself, the quartet, and thanked the guests for attending. Breathing a sigh of relief after opening nerves, Shinji flipped to "Canon in D" with the rest of the quartet.
With the end of the speech, Miss Katsuragi signaled the beginning of the piece and Shinji started the slow, walking arpeggios for what felt like the thousandth time in his life. Slightly before the lead violin joined him, a strangely familiar feeling washed over him and a foreign memory flooded his mind.
'Cello's so easy. All you have to do is play arpeggios.'
Shinji's eyes widened as the voice rang out in his mind. He glanced to his right at the suspected source but was surprised to see she was focused on the piece, completely silent.
'You're late!'
'Sorry, sorry.'
His heart sank, holding faint memories of a dusty gymnasium, an awkward seating arrangement, and a quartet composed of what felt like the last four people on Earth. While he was still unsure of exactly when or where this memory took place, he was quite confident of who was in attendance. And that confirmed what Kaworu had told him the week prior.
As the quartet began packing their instruments, Shinji reached into his cello case, eying Asuka suspiciously. Certain she wasn't watching, he slipped the retrieved item from the compartment and deposited it into his pocket.
Smiling to himself for a job well done, a surprise grip on his shoulder had him standing upright and white as a sheet. Asuka took notice of the sudden reaction and turned towards the boy.
"Shinji! What a wonderful performance!"
Shinji turned and was greeted by his cello tutor, Masaru Grant, eyes nearly shut in a proud smile.
"H- hi, Mr. Grant!" he choked out as his heart rate lowered. "You startled me!"
After an awkward breath, Shinji leaned in for an even more awkward hug, "I didn't know you were coming!"
"I almost didn't, but something compelled me to. Maybe a chance to meet who I'm presuming must be Asuka," Mr. Grant bowed slightly at the younger girl. "I have heard quite a bit about you. It is a pleasure to meet you."
Surprised, Asuka returned the gesture, "It's wonderful to meet you, Mr. Grant. I've also heard quite a bit about you."
The older man smiled slightly, "Hopefully all good things."
"All good," Asuka confirmed.
"That's wonderful to hear. And you four sounded marvelous this evening!"
"Thank you, sir," Lin replied. "It was indeed a great perfo-"
"And look at my little stars!" Misato Katsuragi waltzed up to the group, arms wide. "Mrs. Ueda had you ready! I didn't have to do a thing!"
"We really couldn't have done it without you either, Miss Misato," Shinji smiled back.
"Oh Shinji, so humble. Such a ni-" the woman interrupted her line of thought as her gaze panned to the boy's left. Slowly her smile faded and her eyes widened.
Shinji began to extend introductions between his mentor and guest teacher, but her monosyllabic utterance silenced him, leaving his mind racing instead.
"You."
Masaru shifted nervously, barely looking at the woman, "G- good evening, Mi- Mi- Misato."
"What the hell do you think you're doing here?!"
"I- I was- Shinji invited me."
Misato folded her arms and stood upright, accentuating her already footwear-enhanced height, and spoke calmly, "You need to leave."
Perplexed, Shinji looked at the tall woman, "Miss Misato, this is my cello tutor from Otsuki: Mas-"
"I am quite familiar with Masaru." The man shriveled slightly at the venom put behind his name. "And I would very much appreciate it if he left."
"But, Miss Mi-"
"Enough, Shinji," Misato spoke firmly, but the faintest of tears could be heard in her words. "I'll leave you to pack up. And your guest can say his goodbyes before returning to his empty home."
Masaru stood around quietly as Shinji finished his packing before whisking the boy to the seating on the open lawn.
Asuka watched from afar as the two spoke, nervous for the implications of the private conversation.
"How did she know you, Mr. Grant?"
He hung his head, a deflated version of the man Shinji'd known for so long.
"Mr. Grant?"
"I-" he took a deep breath before beginning again, "Shinji, I haven't been completely honest with you."
Shinji shifted in his seat, startled by the moist eyes that finally lifted themselves to him.
"Misato Katsuragi is my daughter. And it wouldn't be a stretch to say she hates me."
Shinji's vision doubled for an instant, the betrayal of trust from his dearest mentor shocking him like a punch to the gut, "You lied to me."
"I've been lying to myself."
"That doesn't make up for the fact that you lied."
"No, it doesn't."
Shinji stood and nearly walked away, but the old man's voice held him for a moment.
"I told you what you needed to hear: that nothing is beyond saving. For Misato and I, it's been slow, and painful. But I couldn't tell you there was no hope."
"So you lied to me?"
"Shinji, you're like a son to me. And, and, I've been trying to show her what a son I could raise…"
"You… what?"
"I asked her to look out for you back in December, and she obliged. And knowing what we know now about the blizzard, I am forever grateful."
Shinji perked up, the piece of the puzzle falling neatly into place. He stopped and considered his other interactions with Misato and one other came to mind, "And the cross, the one you gave me before I left for Tokyo: that wasn't for me."
Masaru hung his head again, "It was a gift I received after performing in Vienna. I tried to give it to her at her graduation, but… she- she turned it down. And so I gave it to you, as a little reminder of me. It was selfish, I know, but, please forgive me Shinji."
"You used me. And you lied to me."
"Shinji-"
Tired of listening any further, Shinji turned away from his mentor and ran. His only choice was the direction he started in, but he let his feet lead him across the trails near Mount Asama.
Asuka took chase, struggling to keep up in her dress heels, and walked for nearly twenty minutes, constantly calling his name.
Eventually she found Shinji sitting on a short wall at a scenic overlook. His feet kicked gently in the breeze as he watched nothing in particular. The sky was alight with thousands of stars hovering overhead, and Asuka could only wonder what the boy was thinking.
"I don't blame him for lying to me."
His soft voice startled Asuka in the night, but she only listened as she approached. Eventually beside him, and leaned on her elbows on the half wall and simply stared forward with her beau.
"What was he supposed to tell me: sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, sometimes it's just too little too late?"
Shinji surprised himself when he ran. His first hundred steps were at an all-out sprint, but he had quickly slowed to a walk while he gathered his thoughts.
"That's very mature of you, Shinji," Asuka thought aloud.
"He just didn't want me to repeat his mistakes and give up before it started, I guess."
Asuka leaned her head against his side in silence, startled when the boy perked up and began to stand upon the wall.
"Or," Shinji's eyes widened in realization, "he was telling me that I shouldn't let go of happiness, no matter what."
Confused, Asuka looked up at Shinji. He was pacing back and forth on the wall, his dress shoes clicking around at chest height, "I don't see how that applies-"
"Because I am happy. And so are you," he talked over her.
"Shinji, I-" but she was again interrupted by a deep blue gaze from high above.
"Aren't you?"
Asuka took a step back, but eventually blushed and smiled upwards, "The most in a long time."
"Then it doesn't matter."
Still unsure of what pieces of the conversation she wasn't privy to, Asuka simply went along with Shinji. His relationship with his tutor was special, and she trusted his intentions, whether he explained it to her or not.
A shrill chime rang out in the air and interrupted the moment, and Shinji pulled his phone from his pocket.
[MISS KATSURAGI] Where are you? We're ready to go.
[SHINJI] Coming. Asuka is with me.
Sliding his phone back away, Shinji lowered himself to jump to the ground, but Asuka waved her hands frantically in front of him.
"What are you doing?"
"Jumping down."
"It's too high, let me help you," she offered, raising her hand to support him.
Rolling his eyes at the kind gesture, Shinji bent over and reached out, taking Asuka's hand. As their hands touched, he looked her in the eye and they smiled at each other.
Heat. Fear. Desperation. Desire. Heat. Impatience. Resignation. Need. Heat. Action. Pain. Relief. Happiness.
'Idiot. You show-off.'
Shinji's eyes widened momentarily before he leapt from the wall, landing directly in front of Asuka. Taking off his coat and wrapping over her bare shoulders, he pulled her close to him and held her tight before they headed back towards the event.
Just before they returned to the loading area, Shinji stopped, his hand nervously diving into his pocket, "Oh, uh, Asuka."
"Yes?" she asked, turning back to him.
"I, uh, I bought you something. Just," he gulped, "just because I, I thought you'd like it."
Asuka's dazzling blue eyes shone even brighter as Shinji presented the gift to her: a white gold necklace with a musical charm, consisting of an inverted treble clef and a bass clef to form a heart.
"It's- it's us: your violin and my, my cello."
A brief tear crawled down the rosy cheek and Asuka pulled Shinji in for a deep kiss and a tight hug, "Thank you. I love it."
Sitting together in the van, Shinji shifted uncomfortably as the other awkward lump in his pants poked him and Asuka. Eventually pulling the SDAT from his pocket, he sighed, hoping to avoid what was to come. He tried to hide the music player, but Asuka caught it in the light as the van started.
"I didn't know you brought that."
"I didn't," Shinji sighed. "It appeared on the walk back."
"Is that- is there another song?" she asked quietly.
Shinji tried to play it off, "I don't know. I don't want to listen to it."
"What? Why wouldn't you?"
"I, uhh…"
I know what I have to do, he thought. And I don't want to do this any more.
Asuka took the SDAT, however, and began unwrapping the earphones, "You're crazy. If there's something new, we have to listen to it!"
Defeated, Shinji sighed again, inserted the earphone and pressed PLAY against his will. A gentle acoustic guitar strummed as the music carried them from Mount Asama, and the couple listened together:
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown-up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
You could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I won't tell 'em your name
I won't tell 'em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name
The van ambled down the highway back towards Tokyo, gently rocking the inhabitants within. Asuka was fast asleep leaning against Shinji, fingers locked tightly between his, necklace sitting lovingly near her heart. Sleeping next to Asuka had quickly become one of the most comfortable events he could look forward to, something he could only wish could be continued at the dormitory.
Shinji was jostled awake near the city and he spotted the glow of the metropolis as they rounded a mountain bend. On the opposite side of the mountain, however, was yet another Remnant, arms outstretched in an inviting embrace.
This one was neatly cleaved from shoulder to hip, diagonally bisecting the mammoth statue. The grotesque damage only worsened the effect when it, too, turned towards the van and smiled.
A big, toothy grin set inside a horrible red mouth, forever smiling, eternally hungry. The titanic creature stooped over and immense wings emerged from its back, lifting it off the ground.
Anxiety descended upon the boy and again he felt the blackest despair descend upon him as the Remnant plunged itself onto the traveling fan.
Shinji again found himself within the realm between worlds, facing Rei and Kaworu. But instead of fear, he met the pair with resolve and strength.
"Ikari-" Rei began but was interrupted.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy here."
Rei's expression remained unfazed, but Kaworu's eyes widened with surprise, "But it is false."
"It's real to me, and to Asuka," Shinji shook his head in defiance.
"Shinji, it is a lie: and to entertain it is to lie to yourself," Kaworu's demeanor was uncannily calm.
"Why should I believe you?"
"Because, deep within yourself, you know the truth," Rei answered him. "We're only here to help you, Ikari. We aren't capable of-"
"I don't care," Shinji was tired of discussing this. He pulled the object from his pocket and tossed it at their feet, the wrapped earphone cords unwinding as it skittered across the floor. "Take your music, your songs, your messages, your Remnants: take them and leave us alone."
"Ikari-"
"No more. We're happy."
Kaworu turned towards Rei, "This is certainly unexpected."
"Yes."
"They're happy. For all they've been through, we can't blame them for seeking comfort."
"It will not last," Rei replied.
"Even now, they still surprise me." Kaworu shrugged, "I believe we've done all we can for now."
Shinji stepped forward, infuriated at what was occurring, "Stop ignoring me!"
"I am sorry, Shinji. I didn't realize you were still here."
"Then let me go!"
Kaworu smiled at the boy, a hollow, unnerving smile that unsettled him, "Do you really believe we're keeping you here? You are able to leave whenever you want."
"Then why am I still here?" Shinji asked.
"Curious indeed."
Closing his eyes and exhaling, Shinji opened his eyes to a bright light, temporarily blinding him. Asuka covered her own eyes as she exited the van, the dome light also rendering her visionless in the night.
Unsettled but happy with his commitment, Shinji slowly led Asuka to her apartment door, carrying her violin in one hand while holding hers in the other.
As she turned to kiss him goodnight, however, he stopped her, looking into her weary, but dazzling sapphire eyes.
"Asuka, I- I just…" he began, struggling to find the words.
"Yes, Shinji?"
Exhaling heavily, Shinji smiled back at her, eliciting a beautiful smile in return, "I just want you to know that you're everything to me. You are my reality."
Song: "Name" by Goo Goo Dolls
A/N: I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words my appreciation for everyone that's read this little story. I've rewritten this little tag a bunch, and I never feel it's enough. I can't thank you all enough.
This story started as a little COVID-lockdown project after rereading some of my all-time favorite fics, wanting to contribute to the Eva Universe that I've known since I was 14. I wrote a couple Dragonball Z and Final Fantasy VII fanfics back in my middle school days, but they're unfortunately lost to time. After rediscovering my love for Asuka and Shinji as characters, and my first ever read through of the manga, I wanted to recapture the fun I had when I was a kid.
There are a couple of people I want to thank, if you'll indulge me for just a little longer:
1. My wife. It was kinda embarrassing telling her what I wanted to do, but she's been 1,000% on board from the very beginning, from the original proof-of-concept where I just wrote out the final sequence of the manga, Asuka and Shinji's meeting at the subway station. She's the only one that completely knows everything that's going to happen, and she's been wonderful to bounce ideas off of throughout the day.
2. tomdj1701. I put out a request for a prereader back when I started this last year and tomdj1701 hit me up. He's been with me from the beginning and has been a great friend to have on this journey.
3. HologramTheatre. Author of Asuka in the Bardo, Misato in Elysium, and others (read them, they're all fantastic!), Hologram came on board around chapter five as a prereader and has helped me shape this story. If you've noticed a sudden increase in the quality of my writing, it's probably him. He's also been fantastic at telling me to stop lamenting over the little things. Without him, my chapters would probably never get published, haha!
4. All of you for reading it. Seriously. Getting comments from readers has been one of the most rewarding parts of this. I've shared almost every one of them with my wife, mostly in disbelief that anyone's giving me the time of day.
I truly appreciate all of you. I assure you, A&SIP's going nowhere. There's still quite some time to go, and I hope y'all will enjoy the ride with me!
Sincerely,
RLLRRR
(it's pronounced "Shirley Murphy", it's a drum thing, haha)
