Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist

Chapter 15: If She Can Find Daylight

An oppressive humidity hung over the dorm room as the weather continued its direct assault on Tokyo. Nearly every pore felt soaked, leaving a thick, damp coat of sorrow on the unaware citizens. The effect was nearly enough to conceal the original dampness on Asuka and Shinji's clothing.

Nearly.

Unable to do anything of value, Shinji had gently shifted Asuka off of his lap and was now putting on a heavy jacket, anxiously awaiting the girl's summoned roommate.

The only sounds that would interrupt the moving fabric and zippers were the intermittent heartbreaking sobs on the bed: sobs Shinji wished he could tend to more. But in her unconscious state he was useless. Less than useless. Instead, Shinji focused his anger outwards, at the two beings he hadn't seen nor heard from in months. The two beings he'd started blaming hours ago.

Mayumi's arrival was signaled by a short knock on the door before Shinji let her in, bowing slightly in gratitude, "Thanks for coming."

The mousy girl slowly pulled the door shut, carefully manipulating the handle to not disturb the room's priority occupant.

"It's not a problem Shinji, but," Mayumi paused as the boy opened the door again, "where are you going in this rain?"

"I need to see my sister..."

"Your... sister?" she repeated, but Shinji didn't answer as he left.

The door closed with a heavy latch, careless compared to Mayumi's movements, but his mind was focused beyond it. He had a singular purpose now: someone was to blame, and he was going to do his best to find justice. If not for him, at least for Asuka. He owed her that much.

Taking the stairway to the bottom, Shinji swiftly made his way to the dormitory's exit, popping the door open, ignoring any protests had someone been there to make them.

The drops of rain hailed down upon him, each seemingly weighed down by the pain of Asuka's broken heart. Shinji stood in the middle of the street for a moment and allowed the drops to pound upon him, hoping they would hide the tears that he'd, only now, in the relative obscurity of the public, begun to shed for her.

Familiar tears washed down his cheeks, and, for a moment, he couldn't remember who the familiarity of the tears were for. These tears were different than those that he'd shed for his sister, and yet they'd graced his cheeks before.

An uneasy feeling overcame him and pressed him onward: now a sense of familiarity in the despair. That sense scared him more than anything. Regardless, he moved through the downpour towards the nearest train station, avoiding a likely flooded subway system.

Riding the confused and crowded Keiō Line towards Yokohama, Shinji grew more anxious as he neared the Tokyo Bay. To his recollection, the body of water held the closest Remnant to Tokyo, and he assumed it would be the quickest way to confront the mysterious beings that had heralded grief upon their world.

Focused beyond his immediate surroundings, he only briefly caught panicked discussions of the "storm of the century". The sudden change in weather had alarmed all of Tokyo, unprepared for whatever caused the near-Biblical flood. Except for one.

He knew almost exactly what, or more exactly who, was to blame.

Shinji transferred from line to line in pursuit of his confrontation, but the weather seemingly had other ideas. The storm had continued to rage on, and as the Keikyū Main Line arrived at Kamiōoka Station, an announcement broke his concentration.

"Attention all passengers: a state of emergency has been declared due to inclimate weather. All lines have been temporarily paused until further notice. Thank you for your understanding."

The announcement continued again in English before repeating, and an impatient Shinji hastily exited the train. The rain increased in intensity as he neared the bay, and he could almost feel the world try to stop him.

As he neared the Isogo Fishing Piers, he spotted a random limb jutting out amongst the fog. Tilted at an awkward angle, the ominous cruciform was exactly what Shinji was looking for. Balling his fists at his sides, he cried out at the barely visible Remnant deep in the bay.

"KAWORU! REI!" he shouted into the fog. "COME AND FIND ME! I'M NOT HIDING ANYMORE!"

An uncomfortable silence fell upon the world and Shinji feared a lack of response. However, the silence was short-lived, and with frightening swiftness a great darkness descended upon him, its gargantuan movements obscured by the mist.

Shinji had arrived.

"You walked a long way just to find us," Kaworu's calm voice unnerved Shinji as he whipped around to locate its source.

Standing in the void, he was dry, as if he never came from a torrential downpour; as if the rain never existed. Not even the sensory memory of rain on his skin remained, and that mystery only fueled his anger.

Shinji marched forward, slowly feeling himself grow taller, stronger. Tired of the games, of whatever this all was, he grabbed the silver-haired boy by the collar and lifted him up, surprised by the strength of his rage.

"Did you do this?" Shinji growled.

Kaworu's red eyes never shifted, annoyingly calm in Shinji's present state of mind, "What are you referring to?"

"Asuka. Did you have a hand in this?"

The boy remained silent.

"Answer me, damn it!" Shinji shook him, but he would not budge. Kaworu's stoicism infuriated but also unnerved him; he was losing his edge, somehow. Something inside of him knew his anger was misdirected.

"He would prefer you to ask him directly."

Shinji whipped around and faced Rei, Kaworu still in his clutches. "What?"

"Nagisa wishes for you to directly ask him what you are accusing him of," Rei's equally-placid expression continued to throw Shinji off.

Facing Kaworu again, Shinji asked, "Why?"

"Because," Kaworu spoke through his eerie smile, "you know as well as I do it is as preposterous as it sounds."

Startled, his grasp loosened and he backed away, "What?"

In an instant, Kaworu reappeared next to Rei, disorienting Shinji.

"Ikari, we are not capable of affecting this world," Rei explained.

"And if we could," Kaworu continued for Rei, "we would not bring you pain."

"'This world'," Shinji muttered to himself, chewing over the words and their implications. "'This world'."

Slowly, his head started to swim and he struggled to focus. Bent at the waist, he fought to ground himself but the lack of orientation in the void only furthered his dizziness.

"I- I-" he gasped, "I think I'm going to be sick."

A gentle presence pressed against his back and centered him, allowing Shinji to collect himself. He looked to his side to see his twin in that unfamiliar outfit standing, showing the slightest hint of concern and a mix of something else, gently caressing his back.

"You are beginning to understand."

"I- I..."

Shinji took a moment and reflected on those words, their owners' tepid expressions doing nothing to assure their sincerity either way.

He stood upright, finally, only to address Kaworu and Rei, back at the other boy's side, "Then, how did it happen?"

"Is it not possible," Kaworu turned away slightly, looking into the blackness, "that Mr. Langley was simply in an accident? A stroke of misfortune?"

It was, but Shinji couldn't admit it. Something deep down told him there was no chance Asuka's father's death, and the freak thunderstorm that followed, was a natural occurrence.

"Even here, Shinji, people die every day."

Shinji watched, but did not respond.

His silence paid off, and the silver-haired boy turned back, "Your instincts are correct, Shinji Ikari, but we are not to blame. We cannot be." Kaworu lingered on that thought for an uncomfortable amount of time before turning back over his shoulder with an ominous grin, "But she can."

Rei glared at Kaworu for a moment before speaking, "He means to say that we are merely observers from the moment we arrive."

"'Observers'? But," Shinji tried to parse out the information given, recalling clues that would suggest otherwise, "what about the email? From Kaworu to you? I found it: setting up our meeting at Myojo Academy."

"Merely hints and suggestions: breadcrumbs for you to follow," she answered flatly. "We may only set things in motion."

"And what if I never found it all? Or chose not to attend Myojo?"

"Contingencies were created," Kaworu's words were sharp, almost accusatory.

"Someone had to plan it."

Rei simply nodded in agreement but revealed nothing.

"What about the music, then?"

They were both silent for a moment as they exchanged looks. Shinji watched intently for a glimpse of anything that would bring him answers, but he read nothing.

Kaworu broke the silence first, carefully, "We have assisted you from the very beginning. Howev-"

"Ikari," Rei's eerily gentle voice was more stern, interrupting Kaworu, "I- we don't believe it is in your best interest to simply tell you..."

Shinji's aggravation grew, "And why not?"

Frustratingly, neither answered again.

Again, Kaworu broke the silence, this time startling even Rei, "Every time we've told you before, it has alerted her."

"Nagisa!" Rei shot a look towards the silver-haired boy.

"Eventually, we discovered that when you remember for yourself," he ignored Rei's scolding, "it tends to go unnoticed."

Shinji could only ask the one question, "Unnoticed by who?"

More infuriating silence.

"By who?" he sternly repeated.

"It will come to you, most assuredly," Kaworu smiled that annoying smile. His sing-song voice trailed off as he turned again towards the void, but it was still audible. "You will remember... you always do."

"Why is it so hard to get a straight answer from you?" Shinji fired back.

Neither responded. Kaworu was still facing the blackness beyond him, Rei's eyes staring daggers in his direction.

Changing tactics, Shinji pivoted his line of questioning, "Earlier you said 'the very beginning'. What does that mean?"

Again they stood silently, forcing him to repeat the question, this time directed at Rei, "When was the beginning, Rei?"

"Ikari, I- I don't believe it is in your best interest for us to simply tell you," she answered uncertainly.

"How long has this," Shinji gestured around himself, "been going on?"

"Ikari, I-"

"Please, I need something..."

"Ik-"

"You came to us for assistance with Soryu approximately four years ago..." Kaworu answered, having turned back towards the conversation.

"'F- four years'...?" Shinji stammered, his mind spinning. The information knocked him backwards.

"... however-"

"That's enough, Nagisa," Rei interrupted. "He doesn't need to hear any more."

Shaking his head, Shinji pressed forward, "What am I missing?"

"Ik- Shinji, please: this is for your own good," Rei pleaded with the boy. "Let it go, it has to come to you in its own time."

"No, Rei. I have to know."

"Shinji..."

Dirty, white sneakers approached, each step eerily silent in the space. The void had no top or bottom, no surface to generate noise, adding to the unreality of it. All Shinji could focus on were the sloppily tied laces and loose tongue before the mysterious boy crouched down, his piercing, cold, red eyes boring deep into his mind.

"You remember every moment of it."

"I don't..." he replied.

"Yes," Kaworu smiled that unnerving smile, "yes, you do."

Lightning fast, his hand shot out and grasped Shinji's face, finger and thumb squeezing his temples, and Kaworu's smile vanished.

Slowly, Shinji's mind expanded: distant, fuzzy memories of a time past unfolding before him. Shapes and faces were distorted, colors muted. Except the color red.

At one point Kaworu had started speaking, or at least his mouth was moving, but Shinji couldn't hear anything. His hands grasped each side of his head as more and more memories flooded in.

Events transpired before his mind's eye, repeatedly, often with differing outcomes. Everything moved so rapidly he couldn't track it, instead emotions washed over him like a repeated tide, ebbing and flowing at an impossible pace.

Shinji was instantly joyous, heartbroken, despondent, anxious, and relieved. Tears streamed down his face, both radiating the heat of pure bliss and the cold sting of loss and pain.

He remained seated before the pair, his mind again aching as far more than four years of events forced their way back into it.

Nearly blacking out, Shinji mustered all of his strength and spoke raggedly, as the strength had left his body.

"That-" Shinji struggled to finish the thought, shallow breaths unable to support his words, "that..."

The silver-haired mystery gave him no second chance, answering directly, stealing the words from Shinji's mouth, the one sentence following shattering his world. He dizzily retched violently before passing out in the spot where his sick should have been.

Falling through the void, his mind tumbled down in perpetuity, and Shinji's eyes forcefully shut, Kaworu's voicing haunting him as he faded:

"Your instincts are correct again: that was a lot more than four years..."


"Music?"


A violent thunderclap aroused Shinji from his deep state and he found himself sitting in the subway station outside of Myojo Academy. His mind raced to place him, certain he'd ventured much nearer to Tokyo Bay. He temporarily struggled to remember how he'd ended up there or where he was. Unfortunately, another brief flash of light reminded him of the events of the past twelve hours and he recalled the bone chilling final words from Kaworu:

'Your instincts are correct again: that was a lot more than four years...'

Unable to shrug off such a seemingly absurd comment, he exited the subway station. Glancing at his watch, Shinji thought better than to return to the Remnant in the Bay, instead opting to check-in on Asuka after his absence. Somehow, only an hour had passed since his departure, so it was hopeful she was still asleep, blissfully unaware.

Thoughts and memories danced around his mind, eluding any sort of concrete form. At first, the idea that he'd been doing this for four years seemed laughable, yet what he recalled easily surpassed that number. Somehow he knew it to be true, and that thought haunted him more than any other.

He could only find solace in one fact, one constant that lingered in every half-formed, blurry, incomplete memory he passively chased around. And he made his way back towards that constant, as he always would.

Thankfully the power had returned to the dormitory, granting Shinji entry using his room keycard. An eerie silence followed him wherever he went, but he knew it was simply in his mind. Short of four people, no one knew what sort of destruction had occurred the prior evening. No one knew that a helpless teenage girl lay in the rubble at its epicenter.

No one knew that Shinji blamed himself for it, either. Illogically, but nonetheless he felt the burden of responsibility. Maybe if he'd simply told Asuka of the strange encounters with those beings in that place. Maybe if he'd remembered it earlier. Maybe if he hadn't run away.

Unsure of how to accept their version of the truth, but unable to dismiss it entirely, he pressed forward to check on Asuka. The elevator carried him to his floor and he arrived to both Mari and Mayumi sitting with the still sleeping redhead.

"Do you feel better?" Mari asked accusingly, arms folded across her chest.

Shinji removed his soaked coat and ignored the jab, instead keeping a watchful eye on Asuka.

Beautiful and tranquil, her usually radiant skin and fiery hair were all subdued by the crushing loneliness that must accompany losing your last family member. A dead father, a comatose mother, and a...

What was Kaworu? Shinji pondered. And what was Rei, then?

Shelving another thought for later, he sat on the bed and stroked a lock of hair out of her face, wishing he could simply kiss her and steal the pain from her lips.

"She needs you, Shinji," Mari repeated that haunting word from nearly half of a year prior. Her voice was considerably softer, and Shinji felt bad for ignoring her.

"I know," he replied delicately.

"You can't say that you know and just leave like that."

"I know."

"You- you- you what?" Mari's bewildered expression continued to be ignored.

"Hey, I hate to interrupt, but we have to get her back upstairs," Mayumi interjected with the most pressing issue at the moment. "We still don't know if or when the staff is checking rooms."

Following the line of thought, Shinji agreed, at least partially. Being caught in the room with Asuka was low on his priority list, but he admitted to himself it would make the rest of his list significantly more difficult to tend to. Plus, relocating the girl would provide a welcome distraction from everything currently weighing on his mind. He needed time to think, and he'd much rather do that without Asuka's roommates around.

An unspoken truce was called between Shinji and Mari for the moment and he silently stood from the bed, lifting Asuka in his arms.

Shinji nodded towards the door before he continued to carry her in that direction. Waiting impatiently, he turned back to a speechless, motionless Mari and Mayumi.

"Can one of you get the door?" he whispered, now aware of their proximity to a communal area.

Neither moved, watching in silence, until Mayumi spoke, "Shinji... how are you carrying her like that?"

He looked down at Asuka, her knees bent over his right arm and his left cradling her upper body, her chin tucked softly to her heaving chest, whimpering intermittently. He looked back to the girls, until faint sensory memories covered his arms.

Weight. A familiar weight. Moisture. Tears? Refusal. Defiance. Hatred. Until...

"... isn't she heavy?" Mari asked, still rooted to her spot in the room.

Shinji adjusted her slightly, and his ears flooded with sounds of sobbing. Cries of pain and defeat. And... words. Crushing words. He couldn't quite recall them, but he remembered how heavy the words were. How they tore him in two. And his promise...

"Shinji?" Mari was now standing in front of him, waving in his face.

"Sorry," he shook his head rapidly, "are we ready?"

"I, uh, yeah, sure," the taller girl slipped past him and opened the door slightly as Mayumi pressed the elevator call button.

Shinji watched as both girls peered down the hallway, ensuring their safety, and decided to answer, "Sorry, she's about the same size as my sister. And I carried my sister a few times."

"Huh?"

"You asked if Asuka was heavy."

"Oh. Yeah, sure, okay..." Mari accepted the answer without reaction.

"Why?"

Mari joined Mayumi in the hallway and took a lookout position before signaling the all-clear, and Shinji carried Asuka to the elevator.

The foursome silently rode up to the top floor, fingers crossed no one would hail the lift and spot the incredibly suspicious sight. Thankfully, they made it all the way back to their apartment undisturbed.

Shinji gently placed Asuka on her bed where she whimpered again, but fell back into a deep slumber, and Mari came around and squeezed his upper arm.

"So, were you a farmer before or something?" she asked in a sarcastic whisper.

"No, my mother's a doctor," he replied, trying to fend off the question.

"You carried your sister with those arms that often?" Mari's prodding continued.

"I, uh, yeah, I would," Shinji gulped.

"Really?" she poked his chest. "When would you carry her?"

He sighed again and closed his eyes, memories of another life flooding his mind, and answered as honestly as he could, "Every time she'd give up hope."

An awkward pause lingered between the three, all unsure of what to say. Mayumi continued to stroke Asuka's hair, tending to her as best as possible. She first broke the silence, unfortunately putting Shinji in an equally awkward position with the subject change.

"Did you go see her?" Mayumi asked, barely looking at him.

"Who?" Shinji turned to the other girl.

"Your sister."

"Oh," he answered quickly, trying to regroup, "uh, yeah."

Mari persisted, "I thought your sister was dead."

Shit.

Shinji gulped, unsure of how to take the heat off of him. While it was technically correct that he'd been to visit Rei and her companion, he struggled with how to articulate it best without sounding insane. Eventually he sighed and settled for a half-truth, "Sometimes I just need to be alone and think. And I 'talk' to my sister. She..."

... is hiding something...

"... often seems to have the answers."

Not a complete lie, he congratulated himself, hoping the answer would sufficiently bring an end to the line of questioning.

Another pregnant pause sat over the room for a moment as heavy raindrops continued against the window, dotting every moment with a powerful cadence.

Mari broke the tension with an exaggerated exhale, "That's not ominous or anything."

"Sorry," Shinji instinctively replied, tensing his muscles as he agonizingly turned towards her. "It's hard to explain."

"I understand... more than you know," Mari's expression softened for a moment before she changed the subject, nodding at Asuka's unconscious form. "Well, there's not much you can do for her any more."

"I know..." he sighed under his breath and relaxed.

Shinji stood for a moment, unsure of whether to leave or not. He was useless, in more ways than one. Fortunately, or unfortunately, an announcement made the decision for him.

"Attention Myojo Academy students: now that power has been fully restored to the campus, please return to your rooms for the evening. Again, please return to your rooms for the evening. Thank you."

The boy looked down at the sleeping redhead and wanted to wake her, to hug her, to kiss her. Anything to make sure she knew he would be there for her. Unfortunately he settled on doing nothing and silently left the apartment, making his way back to his dorm. Standing in the elevator, he caught a glimpse of himself in the metal door and shook his head.

Powerless to help her, too frightened to try, he was ashamed of himself. Without thinking, Shinji punched his reflection in the door as more tears rolled down his cheek.


"Music?"

"It is a shared connection that transcends word and reason," she nodded.


The following morning was introduced with an urgent call from Asuka's roommates: in a fit of near-drunken confusion and stupor, the young girl had forced her way from their apartment, refusing to acknowledge any of what had occurred yesterday. Mari asked that Shinji meet her in the lobby and keep an eye on her.

He repeatedly jabbed the elevator call button, wishing it would speed up the process. Luckily, the doors parted and Shinji was surprisingly greeted with a very front and center redhead, fists anchored to her hips, foot tapping impatiently.

Cerulean eyes flashed with a hint of relief and sadness, if only for a moment, before being slitted between two heavy lids, glaring back at the boy standing in front of the doors.

"Are you going to just stand there?"

"What?"

"In or out," Asuka turned her nose up slightly, waving her hand dismissively. "I don't care either way."

"Sorry..." slipped from his lips as he stepped behind her on the lift. He caught an even tighter glare at the word, but could see her heart being strangled behind the façade.

Shinji silently followed closely behind as Asuka ambled about the lobby, commenting mindlessly. He repeatedly checked his watch and phone, recalling his "All hands on deck" call to Hikari the night prior, hoping for some assistance. He'd never thought he'd need it quite like this.

While Asuka confidently strode about the dormitory, Shinji wished for a glimpse of the broken child hidden within. As helpless as the day prior, he could do no more than shuffle behind her, meekly doing whatever it took to appease her, watching and listening as she lamented on the weather, her clothes, or the half-empty building. Asuka discussed whatever topic presented itself to her, deftly avoiding any mention of herself or her father's passing.

Shinji did his best to respond, but it consisted of mostly empty platitudes and insincere apologies.

It wasn't until lunch time that Hikari arrived, snapping Shinji out of his temporary trance. When he spotted the brunette tearfully rushing up to hug the couple, he remembered he hadn't prepped her on Asuka's current state, and could only brace for whatever was about to occur.

"Oh my goodness, Asuka, I'm so sorry!" she cried for her friend, tightly wrapping her arms around her waist.

But the redhead stood rigid, surprised by the outburst, "What?"

"I couldn't believe it when-"

"Excuse me, but we were talking here," Asuka interrupted.

Hikari stepped back, confused, "Asuka, are you okay?"

"I feel great," she replied, hands on her hips.

"But," Hikari gulped, "what about your father?"

"Father? I don't have a father."

Both Otsuki-natives were shaken. "What?" "Asuka..."

"Ever heard of a sperm bank?" Asuka sat down in a chair with a grand gesture. "My father was one of the sperm that my mother withdrew from the bank."

Shinji stood, mouth agape, unsure of how to process what the girl was saying. He'd met David Langley, not even a week ago. Yet...

"I was conceived in a test tube." She spoke matter-of-factly. After a few moments, Asuka turned to catch the strange looks on Shinji's and Hikari's faces. "What's your problem?"

"Asuka- you," Shinji looked deep into her eyes, "you know that isn't true."

"Excuse me?!" the incensed redhead stood abruptly from her chair, causing it to tumble backwards.

He took a slight step back, "Asuka-"

"I don't care if you don't believe me," she pointed at his face.

The gesture wounded him, but he retreated, cowering internally, unsure of why he'd suddenly become so afraid of the girl.

Hikari took note of Asuka's condition and ignored it, smiling sweetly, "I had no idea, Asuka... That's," she stifled a tear, "that's really cool."

"Hikari-" Shinji turned to his friend and saw how affected she was.

"Anyway," Hikari hid her face, "I'll be going now. Take care."

She then turned and hugged Shinji, resting for a moment before leaving, forearm held across her face. But Asuka pursued her.

"Hey! Wait a sec, First!"

"'First'?" Shinji asked before realizing he was several steps behind her. He moved swiftly to catch up to whatever was about to occur with the volatile German.

"Umm, yes?" Hikari turned, unable to make tear-filled eye contact.

"I hear you're Ikari's pet," Asuka accused.

"'Pet'...?" the other girl echoed.

"'Ikari'...?" Shinji repeated, confused, until the memory connected, and he realized where this was going.

Oh no.

The redhead stood up straight and jabbed her finger in the other girl's direction, "Stay away from him."

"Asuk-" Shinji stepped forward but was cut off.

"He wants nothing to do with you."

Hikari took a deep breath before looking directly down the barrel of Asuka's finger, hurt and confusion rolling down her cheeks, "I know you're going through a lot, Asuka," she sniffled, "and I'm so sorry I can't help you."

As the pig-tailed girl turned to walk away, Asuka's outstretched hand ferociously grabbed her right shoulder, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Hikari's stunned expression turned back towards her attacker as she saw a hand raise up to strike.

"Don't make a fool out of me just because you're the current favorite!" Asuka shrieked madly.

Shinji stepped in and caught Asuka's wrist in his hand, defending his oldest friend, "Cut it out!"

A weighty pause hung in the lobby and Shinji was thankful there were no witnesses to Asuka's meltdown. He glanced at Hikari's terrified expression for a moment before Asuka spoke up.

"I see," she glared, turned back towards him. "So that's how it is."

"What are y-"

Asuka bowled over his words, snatching her wrist back, "First Misato, now you guys..."

"'Misato'?"

"I can't stand it!" Asuka turned and ran with one parting shot: "LOSERS!"

Watching her fiery red hair whip around the corner, Shinji was stunned before being brought back to reality with a smack on his head.

"OW!"

He turned to see Hikari's burning brown eyes, "I'm fine, Shinji! She needs you! Go!"

"Huh?"

Another smack.

"Go!"

And off Shinji went, chasing Asuka's shadow.

The lobby door slammed and Shinji caught sight of her running into the Academy. Significantly behind, he ran as fast as he could, hoping to catch her before she disappeared.

'She needs you', he repeated in his mind as he ran. There's that word again.

Feet flew and he recalled making this chase before. The familiar pang of guilt, even for something he didn't do, overrode every stride.

Fireworks reflected in his mind and Shinji watched a ghost of himself run in the opposite direction, leaving the cafeteria, making towards the dormitory. He craned his neck as the ghost disappeared through the door before another excruciatingly familiar feeling washed over him.

The chase was shorter than he'd expected, albeit for a heartbreaking reason. Rounding the corner into the Academy itself, Shinji saw Asuka on her knees, staring up at the "Langley Foundation Science Hall" signage.

His heart sank as the girl slowly crumbled to the ground, and her sobs reverberated in the nearly empty hallway.

Shinji slowly walked up behind Asuka, standing for a moment as a painful thought stabbed his heart: I've chased her more than once before...

Kneeling beside the girl, he gently lifted her into him, cradling her, and allowed her tears to spill onto him. Shinji looked up and away, before rubbing his own tears out with his shoulder.

... and it's always ended like this.

The anguish was uncontrollable, hers from losing her own family, his from sheer powerlessness. How he wished he could catch every tear before it fell. He sighed deeply, dabbing a few more of his own before she could see them, and recalled a vow he'd made many times before.

'I'll never let her hurt like this again...'

And then he realized he'd failed.

Shinji wasn't sure how much time had passed before Mr. Kaji had found him, guided by Hikari. He was so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't heard either before they approached him, startling him greatly when they touched his shoulder.

"Hey, it's Shinji, right?" the older man crouched down next to them.

He only nodded in reply.

"Let's get her to a doctor," he smiled softly.


"Music?"

"It is a shared connection that transcends word and reason," she nodded.

Shinji sat back on the ground and stared at the sky, turning the idea over in his head, "And you're sure that will work?"


"For the last time, I'm not the school nurse, nor the school psychologist!"

Shinji could hear the adults arguing through the thin office door. He was sitting in a chair while Asuka was propped up against him, unable to do anything more than listen to the awkward conversation between Dr. Akagi and Mr. Kaji.

"We have a school psychologist?" the male voice asked snarkily.

"God knows these kids need one," the female voice replied.

"What makes you say that?"

"They're teenagers. Hormones and drama and all that. What teen couldn't use a good psychologist?"

He chuckles, "Fair point."

"Plus, I'm not equipped to deal with death. I'm especially not equipped to deal with the death of a parent two continents away."

A mug is heavily set down and papers are shuffled.

"I mean, look at her file: comatose mom, dead brother, and now a dead father?" A pause. "I'm not the emotional one."

"That's what I find attractive in you."

"Oh, knock it off. Go find Misato for that."

"You want Misato to counsel these kids?"

Someone snorts.

"That's somehow worse than me doing it."

The man chuckles, "So, you'll talk to her?"

"No."

"Then it's back to Misato. I'll give her a call."

"Definitely don't do that."

"So, that leaves..."

A lingering pause until the sound of a chair being scooted back, forcefully.

"Sometimes I think I genuinely hate you."

The door cracks open and Dr. Akagi enters, but Mr. Kaji's voice slips through, "I love you, too, dear."

The blonde woman glares back at the door, even as it shuts, before turning to Shinji and the resting Asuka.

Fortunately, the glare disappears and her expression turns sympathetic, "Ikari, how is she doing?"

Shinji turned to look at the top of her head and smiled weakly, "Not well, doctor. She had a complete mental breakdown this morning, acting like her father never even existed, saying other odd stuff."

Dr. Akagi shook her head slightly, "I can't imagine what she's feeling. I'd heard late last night what happened through Misato."

"Misato?"

"Oh, sorry, Miss Katsuragi," she corrected.

Shinji shook his head, "No, I was wondering how she found out."

"Ah," she adjusted in the chair, "I believe her father's assistant, Oz, called the school and informed them. If I remember right, he's coming to collect Asuka tomorrow, for the funeral."

"Oh..."

"I apologize, Shinji. I don't really know what to do here. I'm out of my depth," Dr. Akagi admitted.

"It's okay. For the time being, what will happen to Asuka?" he inquired.

The blonde woman folded her hands across the desk, tapping her thumbs nervously, "I'm not qualified to look after her, in any capacity. It may be in her best interest to simply sleep in her dorm.

"Are there people that can help look after her?"

Shinji nodded, "Yes. I can help, and both of her roommates have already reported back."

"You know I can't have you staying overnight with her," Ritsuko gave a stern, but compassionate look.

"I know."

"Okay," she stood from her desk. "Let's get some help returning Asuka to her room."


"Music?"

"It is a shared connection that transcends word and reason," she nodded.

Shinji sat back on the ground and stared at the sky, turning the idea over in his head, "And you're sure that will work?"

"No," she barely shook her head, "but, seeing how the last attempt ended, a direct approach can be ruled out."


The shattered girl had again tearfully slept through the night. This morning, however, Shinji made sure to rise early and return to her apartment, in case she tried to repeat the prior day's events.

Shinji allowed her some privacy and sat in the living room while Mari and Mayumi popped in and out of Asuka's room, watching and tending to her.

Caught daydreaming, Shinji was brought back with a quick snap in front of his face. He was still trying to piece together the information he'd remembered over the last thirty-six hours, but almost wished to ignore its truth.

Mari glared at him briefly, but her expression softened, "Hey, she's waking up."

He shook his head and re-engaged with the present, silently following Mari into Asuka's bedroom.

"Try and talk to her," Mayumi coached as they exited the room, closing the door behind them.

Shinji watched as Asuka stood from her bed and looked out the window at the now drizzling fog. She reached out and placed her hand against the cool glass, shuddering at the sensation.

"This is like a nightmare," she spoke softly. "But you three wouldn't be in here if it wasn't true."

"Asuka..." Shinji moved closer to her, unable to find words to bring her peace or comfort in this time. Instead he simply stood behind her and placed his hand on her back.

"Shinji," she turned and cried into his chest. "You're all I have left."

The words broke him a million times over and he could only hold her, gently kissing the top of her head. Tears again slowly transferred from her to him and they stood silently.

More time without words, without strength or ability. Shinji admonished himself for not being able to help any more than stand around and watch her cry.

Eventually, Asuka spoke, her gentle words lingering in his ears: "You're all I've ever had..."

Slowly the redhead turned her face upward and kissed his neck, her hands pulling his face down to hers.

"Asuka..." Shinji meekly replied as her tender lips planted footsteps up his chin towards his.

Their lips met in a moment of passion before she broke the kiss and pushed him forcefully back onto her bed.

"Asuka, wait-" he attempted to speak, but in an instant she was on top of him, lips pressed against his again, hands tearing at his shirt.

"Please," Shinji slipped out between kisses, "wait."

Asuka leaned up, still straddling the boy, and began furiously unbuttoning her tear-stained blouse. A light blue brassiere peeked from between the shirt's folds and Shinji tried to look away.

"You're all I have," she said, her eyes black, like a shark.

"Asuka-"

"You're all I want."

Shinji wrestled underneath her as she slipped the garment over her shoulders, hanging from her elbows behind her back. As her hands made her way to her bra, Shinji reached up and grabbed them, stopping her from further disrobing herself.

"Asuka-"

"Don't you want me?" Asuka's unblinking expression continued as she pulled her hands from his.

Desperate, Shinji grabbed her shoulders and wrenched them to his left, rolling them both over and he ended up on top of her. Asuka's trance-like state continued as she ran her hands over his body, reaching down and grabbing his pants.

"Shinji, take me," she moaned as her hands fumbled with his belt.

"Asuka!" he shouted, unable to wrangle the girl. "Stop!"

"Hey Shinji, you idiot, don't you want to be one with me?"

Cobalt eyes widened in horror as the familiar words froze him in place.

"To be of one mind and body?"

His belt came undone and furious fingers grasped at the button of his pants.

"It would be really awesome."

The words continued as a cold hand slipped its way under his waistband.

"You ought to appreciate your good fortune. Come on..."

"STOP!" he shouted, pushing off and backing away from her. Standing at the foot of her bed, he redressed his pants and belt, tucking his shirt back in.

The redhead slowly sat forward and crawled after him, eyes still hollow and black, cold and unfeeling, "I need you, Shinji. Don't you know that? I need you. Right now."

He slowly backed away, terrified, until he hit the wall, and began shifting towards the door.

"I haven't said those words yet, have I?"

Shinji stopped just shy of the exit and made a final plea, "Asuka... please..."

At the edge of the bed, however, Asuka blinked and sat upright. For a moment, there was hope her episode had ended, but the moment was short lived as her expression turned to one of pure rage.

"Are you afraid of me?!" she yelled.

"Asuka, please, I'm worried-"

"'Worried'?!" she cackled. "The Invincible Shinji is 'worried'?"

"I'm worried for you."

"I don't need your pity!" Asuka screamed as she hurled a pillow at him, ugly tears running down her face. "I don't need you! I don't need anyone!"

"Asu-"

"GET OUT!" she roared.

"Asuka, I'm-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT, SHINJI!"

The door sprang open as Mari and Mayumi entered, surprised by the sudden escalation. Slowly moving between the couple, Mayumi approached Shinji while Mari held her hands up in front of Asuka.

"Whoa, whoa, Prinzessin," Mari cooed, slipping Asuka's shirt back over her shoulders, "let's get you dressed back up..."

"I HATE YOU, SHINJI!"

"Asuka-" he stepped forward but was blown back as her rage strengthened in her voice.

"I HATE THIS!"

"Yes, yes," Mari placated her. "We all hate this."

"I HATE MISATO. AND I HATE SHINJI. AND I HATE THAT FIRST CHILD BITCH, REI!"

Shinji's heart sank with every word as Mayumi gently coaxed him out of the bedroom.

"I HATE MY DAD! I HATE MY MOM! BUT MOSTLY- MOST OF ALL: I HATE MYSELF!"

She spoke softly, her head hung, "She doesn't mean it."

"I know..." he sighed, deflated.

With a last glance at the enraged girl, Shinji again only wished he could help her as her bedroom door slipped shut.

"I HATE THIS! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? WHY ME?!" Asuka's rage continued as Shinji made for the exit.

Staring at the knob, his fingers reached out to it but froze: something inside called to him, begging him to stay. His conscious mind urged him to leave, but his subconscious fought it, as a familarly unfamiliar memory slipped into his thoughts.

Shinji turned his head and looked into the apartment as an object shined and appeared in front of him, floating in mid-air. The curious shape revolved slowly and, in an instant, he knew what it was.

Plucking the SDAT player out of the air, earphones grew from the device, materializing and slithering their way up into his ears, and before he could stop himself, he pressed PLAY.

A powerful memory of dry lips and failure taunted him as a curious rhythm introduced a heavy, hollow drum sound before a haunting bell began the song:

"Oh what the hell," she says, "I just can't win for losing"
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing
Like I don't know now

Shinji watched as yet another ghost ran from him, trails of fire flickering through the air...

And by the light of the moon she rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do, too
So I let her be

No longer in Asuka's apartment, he almost felt as if he belonged wherever he was, except in this moment he wished to be anywhere else...

And she says "Ooh
"I can't take no more"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
'Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win, it's hard
To see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Way down

As her door slid shut and German curses and insults are hurled his way, Shinji wanted to turn and run again...

Well, she sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
Oh, but it don't feel right

But he knew he couldn't. At least not again. Not this time. He promised himself after this happened that he wouldn't...

So by the light of the moon she rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
But don't let her see

Swift, determined feet led him right to her door. He raised his fist to knock, but stopped. She'd just tell him "No," tell him to "Go away." But he knew the truth. He'd seen her heart...

And she says "Ooh
"I can't take no more"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
'Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win, it's hard
To see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

The knob twists and the door gives way, and Shinji is back at the Myojo Academy dormitory, but his goal is the same as it ever was...

She shuts out the night
And tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Then she'll be all right
She'll be all right
Just not tonight

Mayumi stepped in front of him to save him, but Shinji moved around her, focused on Asuka. She couldn't hurt him anymore. Mari tried to talk him out of it, but he only wanted to hear one voice...

And she says "Ooh
"I can't take no more"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
'Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win, it's hard
To see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Trembling fists flew in his direction and he dodged them, before taking each into his own and pressing them to his chest. She struggled, but slowly black eyes gave way to the light...

"Ooh
"I can't take no more"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
'Cause I can't help her now
She down with it
She tried her best and now she can't win, It's hard
To see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Still shaking, Asuka attempted to pull herself from him, but Shinji stepped closer and hugged her tight, pinning her arms between them...

I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor (no more, no more, no more)
Diamonds falling down
I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor (no more, no more, no more)
Diamonds falling down
Yeah

No longer afraid to hurt with her, tears splashed upon Asuka's shoulder and she looked up, seeing Shinji's eyes forced shut, as the grief and pain poured onto her...

I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor (no more, no more, no more)
Diamonds falling, all her diamonds
Diamonds falling down

Shinji gently kissed the top of her head, and Asuka melted into his arms, realizing she's not alone. Not this time. As the music swells around them, Shinji sings softly...

"I can't take these diamonds falling down..."

Her tears were heavy and valuable, every drop worth its weight in gold. As the memories built inside of him, Shinji knew he had to devote everything to saving Asuka: from hurt and pain, from sadness, and ultimately from this world.

He'd done it before, and he'd do it again.


"Music?"

"It is a shared connection that transcends word and reason," she nodded.

Shinji sat back on the ground and stared at the sky, turning the idea over in his head, "And you're sure that will work?"

"No," she barely shook her head, "but, seeing how the last attempt ended, a direct approach can be ruled out."

He smirked. The previous attempt had been a disaster, and Shinji feared he'd lost that part of the girl he loved forever. Determined to never let that happen again, they had begun brainstorming more delicate ways to initiate the rescue.

"So," Shinji sat back up, resting himself on tired elbows. He cocked his head back up at the sky and grinned, "do I have to write it?"

"No. It would be best not to."

"Why not?"

Rei turned her hand over and presented an object to him, "Your own words would be tainted by your motives. We must take care to not frighten her again."

Shinji's eyebrow raised as he took the SDAT player from her hand, looking at what appeared to be the same one he'd hid himself away in in years prior, "Okay. So, we find music that she'll like?"

"No. You'll find music that you need to hear."


Over the evening, the rain had slowed to a slight drizzle. Thankfully, the sun had shone brightly come morning, and dry patches had formed on the roads and sidewalks.

Packed with only a few essentials, Shinji held Asuka's hand as they headed for the front of the Academy. The late Mr. Langley's personal assistant, Ozvaldo, was expected shortly to pick her up to return to Germany.

The closer they were to separation, the tighter Asuka's hands grew in Shinji's. He knew that she was about to be dragged back into the thick of her emotions again, but this time alone.

"You can call me any time," he reminded her. "It doesn't matter if I'm in class or sleeping."

Asuka's voice was soft and delicate, "I know..."

"I mean it. If you need me for anything, I'll be there."

"Shinji," she sighed. "What would your mother say?"

I don't really care, he thought to himself. "She'll understand."

Standing outside on the sidewalk, he turned her towards him and pulled her close. They were about to be worlds apart, while Asuka was in her most vulnerable state. Shinji struggled with the idea of letting her leave, especially now with a better understanding of what was actually happening in this world. But he also knew she was far too fragile to understand what was going on, and asking her to stay would arouse suspicion.

It's only for a week, he told himself, knowing his next step was to come up with a better plan for her return.

He'd successfully done this before, that much was certain, but specific details, like how or why, eluded him. He recalled that the last attempt was different, so the specifics weren't as important at that moment, but knowing how it worked would assist in formulating a new plan.

"Shinji," Asuka spoke weakly, her eyes glimmering up at him from their embrace. "I, I feel like I need to apologize."

"Asuka, you don't," he tried to reassure her.

"No, I do. I was horrible to you yesterday. I wasn't myself..."

Shinji frowned in his mind, You were an Asuka.

"... I don't know why you put up with me."

Lost for words, Shinji hugged her tighter as a black car pulled into the loading circle in front of the school. He knew the distance between them would be painful, but Asuka needed to return to Germany, to grieve for her father.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Asuka asked, tucking her red hair behind her ear.

"Asuka, I'll be fine, I promise," Shinji reassured her.

"I- I can't thank you enough, Shinji. I don't know what I'd do without you."

A lump formed heavy in his throat, and the words he wished to say choked him. But Shinji was stronger than that fear and he spoke gently as cobalt met sapphire.

"Asuka, I- I-," he took a breath and finished his thought. "I lo-"

The car door slammed shut and a familiar man exited, embracing the girl tightly. While the moment was temporarily interrupted, Shinji knew how much seeing Oz would mean to Asuka.

They spoke briefly, sobbing with each other, before releasing. Oz began to load her bags into the car as she turned back to Shinji.

The greatest jewel in the world couldn't match the shimmering splendor before him as Asuka's deep blue eyes again welled with tears. Unfortunately, no words would be sufficient at the moment. Shinji struggled to pick up where he'd left off, and instead pulled her back in for one last hug.

Oz turned and opened the car door, which Asuka slowly stepped towards, still staring at Shinji, "I'll- I'll call you when I land."

He smiled and nodded, not caring whether he said the words or not. "I can't wait."

As the car door shut, the older man turned and presented his hand to Shinji, "I appreciate you being here for Miss Langley."

Shinji nodded and shook the man's hand, "Of course. I'd- I'd do anything for her."

"I assure you, she's in good hands. We will contact you as soon as we land."

"Thank you. I'm very sorry for your loss, sir," Shinji spoke from the heart. "Asuka told me you two were quite close, so I know you are grieving as well."

Oz paused, looking away for a moment, before turning back, "I've known David for a long time. The Langley family has been quite good to me. Asuka is much like a daughter to me."

Shinji simply bowed to Oz. Turning towards his car door, he tugged at the bottom of his vest before looking back a Shinji with one parting thought:

"Your German's pretty good. David would have been impressed."

With a gentle wave goodbye, the car slowly vanished into the distance, the red dot in the back window growing smaller and smaller.

Shinji slowly walked down the road until he spotted and flagged down his own taxi, hopping in and giving one solitary request. The car sped along the road for a half hour or so, Shinji was too preoccupied to tell. When it arrived, he paid the driver and headed towards the pier, eyes transfixed to the looming object in the distance. It turned to meet his eyeline and also strode towards him, churning up water in its gait.

Standing at the edge of the dock, eyes shut and arms outstretched, Shinji felt the icy plunge into the void that accompanied every visit to this place.

He smiled simply at his hosts and relented:

"All right. I believe you... how do we save her?"


Song: "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas