Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 16: Conquered Fear to Climb
Standing in the void, Shinji processed the memories as best as possible: seemingly infinite, worlds upon worlds, rescues upon rescues piled up in his mind. As his memories returned, so, too, did his understanding. He stood a little taller, a little stronger, a little more confident: whatever it took to bring her back.
Years of determination, lifetimes of persistence, all for her. It had always been her. It would always be her.
Even now, however, one particular instance stuck out to him and he smiled, looking at the now shorter Rei and Kaworu: "I still don't believe I sang to her."
Rei nodded, looking up at his older form, "You did."
Shinji shook his head, "I'm not much of a singer."
"The words in your heart resonated with the words in hers. She heard it exactly as it was meant to be heard," Rei's voice was surreally calm. "That was enough to get through."
"It was only one song," Shinji dismissed. "What determines the length of the world?"
"The speed at which her heart opens up to yours," Rei answered enigmatically. Yet, deep down, Shinji completely understood what she meant.
One perfect night. One perfect song. It stood out among the rest for the elegance alone, others stood out for different reasons. But the failures were always at the forefront.
His demeanor changed and his shoulders slumped as those memories returned as well.
"If only they were all that easy," he muttered under his breath. Shinji couldn't recall them all, it would be impossible, but he had a vague sense of what happened in each one, especially considering so many were so familiar.
People and settings rarely changed; events often repeated themselves. There are only so many variables, Kaworu once explained. And Asuka gravitated towards that which was familiar, as any lost, scared soul would. But he also grew weary of it. How many times could someone pilot an Evangelion? Be used as a device for destruction? All while trying to reach someone that, at their very core, is terrified to be reached.
And those are the worlds which Shinji remembered the most clearly: the failures.
"You cannot blame yourself," Rei's prescient words pierced his thoughts.
"How'd you-"
"You always do," Kaworu's voice sounded almost annoyed. "For every piece of her we could save, you punish yourself for those we could not."
Shinji gulped, hoping for a different answer to the same question he'd asked a hundred times before: "What happens to the ones we don't?"
"We search again," his words were pointed, urging Shinji to stop worrying.
The boy almost protested, but he stopped. Focusing on the piece of Asuka at hand was always the priority.
"Do you recall the beginning?" Kaworu asked. "Of all of this?"
"The first attempt?"
"No," he replied flatly. "Before."
Shinji struggled for a moment, searching deep in the recesses of his mind for the catalyst. However dozens of years of false realities clouded his memory.
"You often don't," Kaworu explained, and waved his hand. "But it helps to create context."
In the nothingness between the trio, a frighteningly familiar shape appeared between them, four cosmic wings sprouting from its back, hands outstretched, holding an orb.
"You experienced all of Asuka's fears and desires within Instrumentality. When you chose to end Third Impact, you also permitted her to fracture herself and find solace elsewhere."
"How did I do that?"
"Being on the lips of a living god, you granted Asuka her wish," Rei answered.
"I wouldn't consider myself a god," Shinji refuted, more memories slowly returning. "I was terrified, and broken... and 14."
Kaworu retorted, "You can consider yourself whatever you like, but Creation never intended for one being to wield the power you had. If you weren't a god, you were the closest thing to."
"So why did she flee?"
"The part of her that loved you couldn't face you."
"She didn't love me."
Rei interjected, "You know in your heart that isn't true."
More memories. More confusion. But also clarity, as he had seen the truth in Instrumentality. He had seen everyone's truth, a burden unlike any other. But Asuka was the only one he cared for.
"Okay, she loved me. But why couldn't she face me?"
Both beings remained silent, and as Shinji recalled the rest of that hellish day, he knew.
"Oh..."
Ugly memories returned to him, some of the oldest recollections he carried, scars permanently etched into their history. The oldest scars often carried the most weight.
It had come up once, but Asuka was too incomplete to care, he later learned. Heartbreakingly, that moment became the final test before the fragments of her heart would return: a test that, painfully, Shinji failed more times than he could bear.
"I had the power of a god and I couldn't undo that?" he asked, half sarcastically. Another comment he recalled asking before.
Kaworu replied flatly, "You have always wished to turn back time, but it wouldn't be possible."
"Hopping between bubble universes to chase down fragments of Asuka is?"
"The words 'I love you' are more powerful than you could ever imagine," he explained.
Those three words lingered in the room, like a lonely child in the distance. Unrequited, at least verbally, the concept was a hollow one without ever hearing those words himself. But he also understood that that was the point: chasing down the parts of Asuka that did love him, that were capable of love.
"And the hope of your reunion, your forgiveness, and your future is what makes it possible," Rei finished.
"I didn't come all the way out here to be reminded of my darkest moments," Shinji frowned. Hope for mercy, for understanding. He had a tenuous relationship with hope: it had failed him before. "I need to get back."
"She is hiding herself away again," Kaworu stressed.
"I know," he sighed. "Asuka's back in Germany for her father's funeral; she needs time to heal."
"We are running out of time, Shinji."
"How am I supposed to get through to her now?!" he snapped. After a beat he apologized, "I'm sorry. This is always the hardest part: getting to the end."
Neither Rei nor Kaworu responded. They merely watched as Shinji fought to come up with a solution in his mind.
He turned in place, trying to find a way to shape their next conversation. Time was against them now, especially after the death of David Langley. He had to do something.
Inaction was what got him in this mess. More dark memories had returned: his crippling inability to reach out to her when she needed it most, or his broken state as she fought for her life against the nine-
"Oh shit."
Kaworu and Rei whipped around, "What is it?"
Nine towering behemoths stood tall in his mind, wounded and calcified, forever imprisoned as crucifixes. Nine towering behemoths dotted the Tokyo and Kanegawa prefectures, staring at him at every passing. Nine towering behemoths that didn't belong in this world, or any world for that matter.
"The Remnants," whispered Shinji, suddenly aware of the magnitude of their presence.
"The what?" Kaworu asked
"The Remnants: the giant crucifixes scattered around Tokyo. Every time I've spoken to you it's been near one of them," Shinji shuddered as he recalled their frighteningly gargantuan jaws closing in on him. "Please tell me you're aware of them."
"We are not," Rei's curt answer frightened Shinji. They had been guides and informants for what felt like centuries in this process, coming across something new and concerning was exceedingly rare.
"That's how I thought you were contacting me before: they would come to life and... get me," he explained. "I recognize them: they're-"
Shinji continued to speak, but it went unnoticed. Glancing around in search of the two, he realized he was alone in the space. Vertigo began to overtake him as his eyes searched for any other reference point in the vast emptiness. His heart pounded in his ears, and for a brief moment he wondered what would happen if they were never to return. He hated this void.
Fortunately they returned rather quickly, looking deeply concerned at what they had just seen.
Rei spoke first, "This is unexpected."
"How did we miss them?"
"Were they hidden from us?"
"I don't know what to make of it," Kaworu sighed. "We've never encountered anything like this before. Especially not in the form of them."
"They're the Mass Production Evangelions!" Shinji belted out, suddenly self-conscious at the outburst. He took a breath and confirmed his suspicions, "Aren't they?"
"Yes: the harbingers of Asuka's demise."
Rei asked, "Does anyone else see them?"
"How could they miss them? They're massive."
"What about when they move? Does anyone see them move?"
Shinji shook his head, "No."
"And you're certain?" Kaworu asked, more forcefully.
"I've never heard anyone mention it."
"And you said they approached you?"
"Something like that," Shinji gulped before explaining their horrific interactions. Being swallowed alive by a colossal being, even if only simulated, was never an enjoyable experience.
Rei looked at Kaworu, "It is worrisome that she has brought them here."
"And kept them from us."
"I don't know what to make of it."
"She was prepared," he agreed. "To think she would manifest something in that form."
"And they have a vendetta against him."
Kaworu sighed deeply before looking at Shinji, his eyes as unnervingly calm as ever, "Do you remember asking what happened to the lost fragments of Asuka's heart?"
Shinji nodded.
"I think we've found them."
Shinji wandered back to the pile with a few items in his hands and several in his backpack, dropping some of it for her perusal.
"What is that?" she asked emptily.
"It's a guitar."
"Do you even play?"
He shrugged before pulling a couple books from his bag, "I can read sheet music and have a general understanding of string instruments. And I found a couple books to help me learn."
The girl huffed unenthusiastically, the most emotive she'd been since the incident, "I don't think it's worth it. We have to carry all this back."
"Asuka, we haven't heard anything but each other for months. Some music would be nice."
Her face remained unchanged, as it had ever since that first morning on the beach. "I don't care..."
Shinji shook his head, saddened by the emptiness inside the one he cared for, and brought the guitar anyway.
Mentally and emotionally drained, Shinji entered Myojo Academy, watching as more and more students milled about the lobby, returning from summer break. Blissfully unaware of what had happened a couple days prior, the casual return to normalcy unsettled him.
Glancing at his watch and doing some quick math in his head, the lack of notifications on his phone confirmed Asuka was still airborne. He had time. Not a lot of it, but enough to try and formulate a plan to break through to the girl.
Somehow, some way, through all of her grief, he had to reach the Asuka hidden deep within.
Recalling the horrific sight of a once proud, happy girl collapsing in anguish, Shinji never noticed that he'd wandered back into that foyer until he recognized the tile pattern. There were still stains of grief and pain in the grout lines, or at least he imagined so.
Wiping away another sympathetic tear for the one he loved, Shinji glanced at the science hall's signage as he turned away. An unexpected change forced him to perform a double take as he wheeled back around to the lettering before recoiling in horror.
"LORENZ FAMILY SCIENCE HALL" adorned the entryway where Asuka's family name once stood. The bigger mystery, however, was that the marquee showed no evidence of recent adjustments or installation, no faded paint or scuffed drywall: it was as if it always read that way.
Unsure of what to make of the change, Shinji turned back and headed towards the administrative office. A nervous heart pounding nearly as hard as his feet, Shinji wasn't sure if he was furious or terrified at what was about to occur.
Ripping the door open, Shinji weaved past multiple protesting adults into the Assistant Director's office. He boldly depressed the hook switch of her desk phone, causing the purple-haired woman cradling the handset it was attached to to look at the boy, bewildered.
"Uh, good afternoon Mr. Ikari," she said, gently setting the phone handset on the receiver.
"Misato: what happened to the 'Langley Foundation' sign?"
She sat upright in her chair, "'Misato'?"
"Sorry," Shinji brusquely apologized, "Miss Katsuragi: what happened to the 'Langley Foundation' sign?"
"The what?"
"The sign over the science hall that read 'Langley Foundation Science Hall'?"
Misato shifted in her chair and glanced around her office, "What's the 'Langley Foundation'?"
Shinji's heart dropped and he took a defensive step backwards, "You- you don't remember?"
"No, am I supposed to?" she asked.
"Asuka's family. Remember?" Shinji was growing desperate.
"Who's 'Asuka'?"
Another dropped heartbeat. Surely this was some form of prank.
"Asuka Langley Soryu! The redhead!" his panicked voice continued to rise. "She plays violin in our quartet! Her father donated a bunch of money to the school and Dr. Fuyutsuki named the science hall after him!"
"The science department donation was from Dr. Keel Lorenz out of the University of Vienna," Misato corrected. "He and Dr. Fuyutsuki go way back, and his granddaughter attends here-"
His mind raced, almost missing the conclusion of the sentence.
"Mari Makinami Illustrious."
She's been replaced, the panicked voice appeared in his mind. David. The Remnants. And now this.
Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! Shinji commanded his inner thoughts.
"That can't be," Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing, slamming his hands on Misato's desk causing her to jump. "There's a girl I've been dating, since January, that plays violin with us. She played at Mt. Asama!"
Misato looked at him until her eyes widened, "Your girlfriend?"
See, he tried to comfort himself, it was a joke.
He sighed, "Yes."
"The American girl? Blonde hair, blue eyes?"
"I wouldn't call her blonde..."
"You should try calling her by her actual name: Marie. Marie Vincennes," Misato winked.
No.
"Don't worry, Shinji, I won't tell her you got her confused with someone else. I know you're in high school, but I'd be careful with seeing multiple girls at once. It only ever ends in heartbreak."
Frustrated and worried, Shinji turned and sprinted from the administrative offices towards the dormitories. He didn't know what he was looking for, fearing there was no evidence of her existence at all. A shaky finger stabbed the button calling for the top floor and he did his best to hide his nervousness from the other students, silently praying to every god he could think of as the lift ascended.
Checking his watch again, Shinji had almost pulled his phone out before the doors opened at the top floor. Surely Mari and Mayumi wouldn't be in on the joke, knowing what Asuka went through not twelve hours prior.
He knocked frantically, rapping his knuckles against the door until they tore and bled. Thankfully, a familiar face opened and a surprised Mari greeted him, "Uh, what are you doing here?"
Pushing past the confused girl, he worked directly towards Asuka's room. Mayumi perked up from her position on the couch as he reached for the door handle.
Please, please, please, please, he begged in his mind.
"She isn't here," Mayumi spoke softly, adjusting her glasses.
Unable to relax, Shinji turned towards the mousy girl, "Uhhh, do you know where she went?"
"She's still-"
"It's hardly any of your business," Mari interrupted as she shouldered her way past him. "I don't know who you think you are, barging your way in, but first-years certainly aren't supposed to be here."
Mayumi turned towards her roommate, "Do you know him?"
Oh god no, Shinji backed away again.
"Yeah, I had to chaperone for him and some other first-years for the Sea Paradise trip."
"Was Akane there, too?"
"'Akane'?" he asked aloud but was ignored.
"No, which is why I want to know what he's doing trying to enter her room," Mari turned back towards Shinji with a glare.
Without thinking, Shinji opened the door, turning the same handle he had the day before to save Asuka from her self-destruction, and peered into the unknown.
A completely different room laid beyond the doorway: different furniture, different clothes, different arrangements. In the only moment Shinji had to look inside, he knew something was very, very wrong.
The situation worsened as he heard Mari speak into her phone, "Hello? Could I speak to campus security, please? Thank you."
Shinji quickly backed out of the room and left the apartment in a flurry of apologies. Stumbling over his own words and feet, the elevator ride back towards the lobby offered no form of comfort.
His mind raced with possibilities, unaware he'd arrived at the bottom floor. Shinji nearly fell over exiting the lift, clumsily walking towards the nearest bench. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he shook his head repeatedly in an attempt to clear his thoughts before reaching for his last lifeline.
Unsure of Asuka's flight's status, he glanced at the time before unlocking it: the worst that could happen was he left a voicemail.
Flipping through his contacts, a voice called out to him, startling him again.
"Hello?" Hikari asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Are you in there?"
Shinji stopped shaking and looked at his oldest friend, hoping to find something behind the only eyes he felt he could trust, "Hikari... I, I feel like I'm losing my mind."
She hadn't changed, nor had their friendship. He could feel it.
Giggling, the brunette combed through her usually pig-tailed hair, "There seems to be a lot of that going around."
"What do you mean?"
A blonde girl answered before Hikari could, "Oh, she's talking about me. I forgot which subway station to get off at, so she caught me trying to get off almost three stops too early."
Her Japanese was good, but had a foreign accent Shinji couldn't quite place.
"Marie, it's literally called 'Myojo Academy Station'. That's the one," Hikari answered bluntly.
'Marie'? he stared at the new girl, certain he'd never seen her before.
"Oh well, I'm here now. I'm just lucky my roommate was here to save me!"
Shinji looked at her quizzically, "You're Hikari's roommate?"
"Uh, yeah," she replied flatly. "You know that."
'I know that'? he repeated in his mind. He didn't know anything, it seemed. If he couldn't trust Hikari, who could he trust?
He turned to Hikari, "Oh, uh, yeah. I knew that."
"You're acting weird."
Shinji chuckled nervously and excused himself. Out of sight of the two girls, he raced up the stairs to his floor, hoping his room remained unchanged. Thankfully, his keycard granted access and the room was unoccupied.
Sitting on his bed, he pulled his phone out and began to dial Asuka. He moved around the device multiple times, unable to believe what he was seeing:
Grant Masaru.
Horaki Hikari.
Ikari Yui.
Ikari Yui Office.
Vincennes Marie.
Only five numbers existed on his phone. No call history or text messages. No trace of Asuka Langley Soryu existed at Myojo Academy.
No longer able to face what was happening alone, Shinji left the building and hailed another cab. The skies around the Tokyo Bay were frighteningly clear that afternoon. Clear enough to terrify Shinji.
Again walking toward the Isogo Fishing Piers, another major discovery rocked him to his core. Cobalt eyes scanned the horizon as he watched across the bay, searching desperately for the now missing Remnant.
"It's not possible," he exhaled, doubling over.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he struggled to find the strength to go on. Dozens of worlds, dozens of fragments, no end in sight. But it would be worth it, just to see her smile again.
Standing upright, Shinji closed his eyes and pictured her face: bright and smiling. Blue eyes as deep as the ocean, warm and full of life, radiant red hair blowing in the breeze. She was at her happiest that moment: when they first met aboard the Over the Rainbow.
For a brief moment, there existed life without Angels, without Evangelions, without sadness or pain. How he wished to be back to that time.
Opening his eyes, he breathed a slight sigh of relief as he saw the only two beings he felt he could trust at the moment: without realizing it, he had arrived in the barrier between worlds.
"Please, tell me she's still here," Shinji begged as he approached the others.
"A lot has changed, Shinji," Kaworu looked almost panicked, the most concerned he'd ever seen the ethereal being.
"I'm aware," he snapped. "I can't find Asuka: she's been removed from my phone, no one remembers her, even her father's contributions to the school are gone. It's like she's never existed."
Shinji took a breath before asking, "Did we lose her?"
"Pilot Soryu is indeed in Germany," Rei answered.
Shinji shot a look in her direction, "She hates when you call her that."
The blue-haired girl continued, ignoring the comment: "But she has cut off Japan: it's somehow contained from the rest of the world."
"We've been through enough together," he continued. "You should call her by her name."
"She-"
"Rei, please. I need to hear her name."
Red-eyes softened for a moment before she spoke again, "A- Asuka is in Germany, in her home."
"That's better," Shinji smiled slightly. "We aren't strangers, not for a long time. And, right now, we're all we have."
"Understood."
Shinji began to question her obedient reply, but thought better of it: he could only change her so much. "So, why has everything changed?"
Kaworu spoke up, "Her heart is strong. She has affected this world more than we thought possible."
"How?"
"Much like becoming aware of a dream allows you to control it, the Asuka that inserted herself here is attempting to protect herself."
"From what?"
"From you."
Kaworu's cold, red eyes never bore the warmth Rei's could. Even when he smiled, his eyes remained harsh and strong.
"The Remnants have gone missing," Shinji added. "I couldn't find the one in Tokyo Bay."
Rei frowned for a moment before returning to her neutral expression, "They aren't missing: they're roaming the nearby Prefectures."
"They're looking for me," he sighed.
"We can only assume. This is uncharted territory."
Shinji swallowed hard and asked the only question he could think of, already knowing the answer, "What do we do about them?"
"You may have to fight them," Kaworu answered.
"No," he answered firmly. "I'm not piloting anymore."
"There may not be a choice, Shinji: she brought protection."
"Can't you just send me to Germany? Have me 'wake up' there or whatever? I can talk to her."
Kaworu shook his head, "We're merely observers. You can come see us, but going places doesn't work."
"So, what do I do? Just wait for Asuka to reach out to me?" Shinji's patience was wearing thin. "All while hoping one of those Mass Production Evas doesn't eat me?"
Rei nodded slightly.
Kaworu repeated himself again, further upsetting Shinji. But deep down he knew he was right.
"You may have to fight them."
Shinji sat against the wall in the Academy lobby, unable to do anything. Transportation was halted due to the roaming titans, ruling out a visit to either Brandenburg or Otsuki.
It had been several days since Asuka departed, and her lack of communication was worsened by everyone's sudden amnesia regarding the girl. The only comfort he had were Kaworu's word that Asuka was indeed alive and well, and the SDAT he was currently listening to.
While there had been no new songs in her absence, the playlist's existence gave hope that she was not lost.
Shinji had lost motivation to even pretend he was preparing for classes to resume. The only thing keeping him at Myojo Academy was the hope that Asuka might reach out to him there.
Finding himself withdrawn into his SDAT again, he scolded himself, Same habits that got me into this mess in the first place.
He often found himself wondering what would've happened had he simply made an effort: to kiss her when she first asked for it, to hold her when she first needed it, to comfort her when she was broken to pieces. Instead, he now did everything in his power to make those things right. Shinji felt deep down that he had broken Asuka, and he would do anything to put her back together.
Shinji glanced up and spotted Marie, his supposed girlfriend, approaching him in uniform. He removed one earphone and partially turned toward her.
"Shinji? What are you doing?"
"Sitting here," he replied flatly.
"I can see that," she replied. "They're having the students meet in the auditorium: Dr. Fuyutsuki is trying to calm everyone down, I think."
"Why?"
"The monsters. It's been all over the news."
Shinji paused for a moment, unable to reply with anything more than, "Oh..."
The blonde girl sat down next to him, uncomfortably close for a stranger. "I'm scared, Shinji."
He frowned and put the earphone back in, doing his best to ignore the girl. He knew nothing about Marie, or their supposed past, so doing anything to alarm her would only make things worse.
However, the girl noticed and leaned in close to him, pressing her chest against his arm, "Will you protect me?"
Ignoring the comment, he turned the device up, annoyed when she pulled it from his ears.
"We're supposed to go to the auditorium."
He sighed and looked out the window, "I don't feel like it."
"We could always hide out in the library," Marie winked. "Like that one night."
"We can't."
"Or," she purred, resting her head on his shoulder, lips near his ear, "we could hide in your room. And keep each other warm in your bed."
Shinji turned towards the girl, confused emotions washing over him. Somehow, events that had transpired only between him and Asuka had transferred to her.
Her eyes were dark blue, almost black, lacking the warmth of Asuka's. There was nothing behind them, no light. Shinji could feel how hollow the creature called "Marie Vincennes'' was, and that it was yet another attempt to keep Asuka and him apart.
Cold lips pressed against his cheek, causing Shinji to shudder. Like being kissed by a ghost, he knew something was gravely wrong.
"Shinji?" she trailed her kisses towards his trembling lips. "Don't you want to become one with me?"
Shinji recoiled and hissed back at her, "Don't touch me!"
Gasping, she began to crawl towards the boy as he scooted away from her. Like a hunting predator, her head kept low, her shoulders raised.
"Please, leave me alone."
Marie reached out and attempted to take his hand, but Shinji jerked away from her and stood up.
"I said stop it!"
As he pulled away from the girl, the SDAT clattered to the floor between them. Marie's eyes widened as she ferociously lunged for the device. Shinji, too, grabbed at it, scooping it up a mere instant before her talons grabbed ahold of it.
"You're obsessed with that thing," the blonde hissed as she pointed at the SDAT. "Hiding away in it, wasting away..."
"What?"
It was at that moment he noticed a faceless crowd that had gathered around the couple. Most curious was the fact that he swore they hadn't been in the lobby the few moments prior.
Shinji turned partly away from the rabid girl, shielding the music player with his body as she screeched at him while the crowd simply stood and watched.
"Give it up, you brat!" she shrieked, snatching and attacking his clasped hands.
"Stop it!"
"You were never there for me! Always hiding yourself away in that damn thing!" Marie continued.
Shinji's eyes opened, "Asuka?"
"Don't call me that!"
He tried to look into her eyes, to search for the girl's soul, but was unable. The blonde girl continued to wail like a banshee as she clawed and tore at his flesh, "You never came for me! You never cared for me! I HATE YOU!"
Somehow, this phantom was channeling Asuka from deep within. Terrified, Shinji realized the exits were blocked by an ever-growing crowd. He continued to circle away from her, repeatedly backing into a body that would not make way for him.
The scene carried on for an uncomfortable amount of time until the girl relented and faded into the group as a large, faceless shadow slipped in front of him. It turned and loomed over him, Gendo Ikari's twisted face appearing on its head.
His heart sank as the apparition of his father leered over him, hand outstretched: "The device."
"No," Shinji tucked the SDAT behind his back and stood his ground.
Gendo raised an eyebrow for a moment before returning to his collected state, repeating, "The device. Now."
Shinji circled around again until he encountered a wall. Unable to back away further, he shifted the player to his left hand and balled his right into a fist.
"Disruptive behavior. Attacking a fellow student. Disobeying your superior. Punishable actions according to the Code of Conduct."
The boy stood tall and didn't respond.
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
Shinji seethed, years of repressed anger bubbling beneath the surface. Even if the presence wasn't Gendo, he was unable to contain his emotions, "Don't you... have something to say to me?"
"What are you talking about?" Gendo lowered his chin and glared. "I'm asking the questions here."
Shinji smirked.
Decades of memories specific to one man, one relationship swelled into his mind. No matter the world, there was always one constant: the miserable Gendo Ikari. No matter the scenario, no matter the variables, Shinji's father was a bastard of a human being, and every memory rushed into his right fist as he lunged.
Like the times before, Kaji mysteriously appeared and caught his fist, shouting, "SHINJI!", but this time his strength prevailed and his fist connected. The phantoms were unable to stop him and Gendo was struck with the hatred of nearly a hundred sons, flying backwards into the crowd of shadows.
Shinji brought his fist back and watched as dozens of pairs of eyes turned in his direction. No longer safe at Myojo, he sprinted through the crowd and exited the front door.
Raw adrenaline carried him around several corners, weaving in and out of alleyways in an attempt to find security through obscurity. After nearly an hour of running while looking over his shoulder, he entered a restaurant and slipped into a back room. Closing his eyes and exhaling, a teenage boy vanished in front of one of the chefs.
"That certainly caught her attention."
Shinji whipped around in the void and saw Kaworu smiling his same empty smile. "How?!" he asked.
"In every attempt at striking your father, this is the first time you've ever done it," Kaworu's smile turned devilish. "How did it feel?"
Shinji chuckled a little, "It felt good."
"She is changing something."
He turned his attention in Rei's direction, "She was talking to me- attacking me, actually."
"This was not an outcome she predicted," Rei explained.
"She revealed herself to me, Rei," Shinji talked through the moment out loud. "She was trying to, trying to..."
He paused, eyes wide, and looked at the SDAT. Turning it over, Shinji inspected it for damage, still thinking out loud, "She was trying to get the SDAT from me."
As he looked over the device, he discovered the number "16" displayed on the LCD. Despite their mysterious separation and everything that had happened, a new song had appeared.
"Was that why she was after it?" Kaworu asked.
"No," he answered, already knowing the answer. "She knew it was all I had left. It's all I have left of Asuka."
Shinji sighed as he began to unwind the earphones, carefully handling the music player.
"She's trying to cut me off from her..."
He pressed the earphones in and frowned: Are you so afraid of me, Asuka?
And he pressed PLAY...
Standing here, the old man said to me,
"Long before these crowded streets, here stood my dreaming tree"
Below it he would sit for hours at a time
Now progress takes away what forever took to find
And now he's falling hard, he feels the falling dark
How he longs to be beneath his dreaming tree
Conquered fear to climb, a moment froze in time
When the girl who first he kissed promised him she'd be his
Remember Mother's words there beneath the tree:
"No matter what the world, you'll always be my baby"
Mommy, come quick: the dreaming tree has died
Can't find my way home, I have no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died
Oh, have you no pity?
This thing I do
I do not deny it
All through this smile
As crooked as danger
I do not deny
I know in my mind
I would leave you now
If I had the strength to
I would leave you up
To your own devices
Will you not talk?
Can you take pity?
I don't ask for much
But won't you speak, please?
From the start she knew she had it made
Easy up 'til then; for sure she'd make the grade
Adorers came in hordes to lay down in her wake
She gave it all she had and treasures slowly faded
Now, she's falling hard, she feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart? She drinks to fill it up
A smile as sweet as flowers, wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks that once were so admired
She thinks when she was small, there on her father's knee
How he had promised her: "You'll always be my baby"
Daddy, come quick: the dreaming tree has died
I can't find my way home, there is no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died
Oh
If I had the strength to
I would leave you up
To your own devices
Will you not talk?
Can you take pity?
I don't ask for much
Won't you speak, please?
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
Save me, please
"Why didn't it work?"
"It appears that she rejected it."
"I gave her what she wanted: a life with-"
"What did you do?!"
Shinji turned and in an instant he was alone before Asuka marched up to him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.
"H-hi Asuka," Shinji said, attempting to hide his evidence in his pocket.
"You don't think I know what's going on?"
He was speechless. He'd been so careful, giving her assignments while he was away. Ensuring the damage to the equipment was repairable, but not before he returned.
"Answer me!"
He was tired of hiding it. Hiding his attempts at finding her heart, at making her whole again. He was done waiting for her to smile, knowing why she didn't. And so he lashed out.
"I'm trying to help you, Asuka!"
"Help me? You think you can help me?!"
"Yes!"
"Why? Why would you help me when all I've done is hate you?!"
And he said more than he should have:
"Because I love you!"
Rain pitter-pattered against the large window, streaking down the glass panes and obscuring the garden view. Asuka's forehead had been pressed against it for nearly an hour, forming a large, flat red spot.
A gentle knock at the door frame stirred the redhead and she glanced back at Ozvaldo, gently bowing into the room.
"Miss Asuka, Miss von Blume has arrived."
His words were short and formal. In his own grief, Ozvaldo buried himself in his work, tending to the Langley's affairs while the surviving family mourned in their own, personal way.
Unfortunately, lost in this was Asuka's confidant and childhood crush. A man who always ensured she smiled through the worst of days without her mother and brother. Now, he could barely speak to her. Asuka was again, now and forever, alone.
A luxurious head of blonde hair swept into the room as Amy rushed up to her friend and hugged her tightly. The first physical stimulus felt since she arrived in Germany, Asuka nearly crumbled into the sensation.
The two held and sobbed for a while until they could speak. Their first words were awkward and clumsy, perfect enough to remind Asuka she was still a child and didn't have to process this in any specific way.
"So... how are you holding up?" Amy asked.
Asuka chuffed, "Fantastically, can't you tell?"
"You look like a million Euros," she laughed back, coming through her friend's red hair. "Have you completely given up on bathing?"
The teen blushed, "Is it that bad?"
Amy brushed through it a bit before pulling Asuka close for another hug, "It's not great. When did you get back?"
"Last night."
"I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner."
"You apologize like he does," Asuka smiled softly. "You don't need to always be sorry."
The other girl returned the smile, "I'm sure he took care of you."
Asuka's heart sank at the memory of what she'd put Shinji through before she was picked up, "I... I was going through some stuff... after, after I found out."
The mood changed and Amy sat down next to her. Neither broke the silence and simply held each other's hands.
"Well," she attempted to deflect, "you could always just die it black."
"My god, that would look terrible," Asuka's eyes widened in shock.
"Get a tattoo, something drastic," the blonde continued. "You have a valid excuse!"
Amy laughed and Asuka followed, the first genuine laugh she'd shared in what felt like a lifetime. The teen girls joked into the evening about the drastic makeovers Asuka could perform under the guise of grief, and, for a moment, she remembered she wasn't alone after all.
Several hours, and one much-needed shower, later, the girls laid on their backs in bed, still giggling over their earlier conversations.
"What would Shinji think if you dyed your hair black?"
Asuka's heart dropped for a moment when she realized she hadn't spoken to him since she left. Sitting upright in her bed, she found her cell phone and flipped it open only to find it dead.
"Shit," she muttered under her breath before plugging it in.
Amy sat up beside her and rubbed her back, "Hey, we'll call him tomorrow. He'll understand. He's a good guy."
Asuka teared up slightly at the comment, "He is. I could never explain just how incredible he's been the last couple days."
"You deserve it."
Laying back on the bed, Amy grasped Asuka's hand and squeezed tight. The two remained in silence for a moment before the blonde spoke.
"Hey," she spoke in a throaty whisper, audibly choking down emotions.
"Amy..."
"No, I need to be serious for a second."
"Please not now."
"I- I can't imagine what you're going through; not one bit, but..."
"Amy," Asuka's eyes began to water.
"I'm here for you. I don't know how I can help, but I want to. My family, too."
Unable to look her best friend in the eye, she squeezed her hand back and said the only thing she could think of: "I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you."
Heavy rain drizzled down over the somber procession, painful splashes soaking cheeks and smearing the makeup that was so delicately applied. The forecast had called for clear skies, but tragedy forced the change.
Standing near the exit of the St. Peter and Paul Cathedral, Asuka peered upwards at the immense clock below a heavily oxidized tower roof. The ancient brick building remained unaffected by the weather, frustrating the girl: if her world were to crumble, so, too, should everyone else's.
She looked back down as the doors reopened, six men shouldering the weight of her world. They moved in relative silence, except for faint echoes of the church's organ playing Bach's "Air on the G-String."
Her stomach turned sour at the recognition of the song and she shifted her focus on the gathering of people that had attended the funeral. In the rain, each figure was as blurry as the next, heads down in mourning. Her heart ached as the man she called "Papa" was carried to a black car parked on the street.
There was a body in the casket, once called "David Langley". Now he was simply a body, bearing no name.
Asuka feared for the day she would no longer carry a name. Names like "Soryu" and "Langley" were already gone, surely "Asuka" would soon follow. "Kaworu" had disappeared so long before, it seemed, she could barely remember what it sounded like from her lips.
"Kaworu." "Kaworu." "Kaworu," she whispered beneath her veil. Maybe one day she would recall the sound of laughter, joy, and a complete family. She hadn't felt whole in ages.
The procession to the cemetery was short. The downpour continued, obscuring Asuka's vision as they neared the countryside where "David" had once asked to be buried, near his mother.
Asuka couldn't remember her grandmother. She must have been a shrewd German woman to raise a man like her father. He was always so stoic and strong. His size and stature resembled an obelisk: cold and unrelenting. There were good times, she was sure of it, but those memories were difficult to recall. All she could process was the bitter taste of disappointment and loneliness.
Asuka Langley Soryu straightened her dress as she climbed out of the vehicle, wishing she had someone, anyone to keep her warm as the cruelest of rains chilled her to the bone. A brother. A mother. A father.
A boyfriend.
For a moment Asuka wished Shinji were with her, to comfort her, to be her rock, her strength.
Would he remember her name after "Asuka" was no more? Would she remember "Shinji" if he were to move on first?
Her heart fluttered for a moment, considering the thought of sharing eternity together. But she knew nothing was eternal. Everything was temporary. Even her happiness in his arms.
What would he say right now? What would he do?
Asuka struggled to picture his face, hear his voice. But deep down she knew he wouldn't let her suffer like this. Not again. He promised as much. Right after-
"Asuka," a voice interrupted and she looked up. Obscured vision from the torrential downpour nearly prevented her from recognizing her step-mother, Camille.
"Come sit here," she spoke with a heavy French accent, but her German was tolerable, "next to me and little Ava."
Straightening her dress again, Asuka sat next to the woman only ten years her senior and watched the baby over thirteen years her junior. She had nothing in common with either of them, save for a name.
Her heart and her soul belonged back in Japan. She was sure of it. Even now, she could feel the tug of a gentle red thread pulling her back to his arms.
She was alone here.
Turning back to the service in front of her, the three remaining Langleys sat together as the patriarch was slowly lowered into the ground. Shaded by an immense oak tree, Asuka remained unsheltered from the weather. Perhaps it was that the universe meant to punish only her. Perhaps it was cosmic fate that there was a distinct gap in the branches that poured directly onto her face.
Or perhaps it wasn't raining at all.
Asuka sat in silence in her father's BMW while Oz finished bidding farewell to the other guests. A gently shut car door signaled the end of his time at the service and they left the cemetery together.
"Cam-, ahem," Oz cleared his throat. "Mrs. Camille and little Ava are returning to France for the time being."
"When are they leaving?"
"Right now. They have already packed her things."
Asuka exhaled heavily, muttering under her breath, "... didn't even say goodbye..."
"Miss Asuka-"
"Don't 'Miss Asuka' me, Oz," she scolded. "Don't you dare. Not now."
"I apologize, Asuka. I'm- I'm not quite sure what to do with myself."
The girl shifted in her seat and watched him through the rearview mirror, "Oz-"
"I'm assuming you're leaving immediately, as well," his eyes never left the road.
Asuka contemplated before sighing, "Yes."
The pair continued in silence for several minutes. Asuka nervously glanced at the back of the man's head, thankful he never once caught her gaze in the mirror: she was certain she would break down again.
"I've served your father for many, many years," he finally said, softly. It was the most emotive Asuka had ever heard the man. "I loved him like an older brother: a brother I'd never had."
"He trusted you more than anyone," Asuka replied, unsure of what else to say.
"I- I don't know what to do," Oz's voice broke only for a moment. "I've never not had a Langley to care for."
"Oz-"
"From David and Mrs. Kyoko, to you and Kaworu."
"What about Camille and Ava?"
Oz never answered.
Asuka sat in silence again, wishing she had brought her phone to the service, if only for the car ride. Occasionally she'd glance at Oz, watching him, uncertain on what to say, and would eventually return to gazing out the window, thoughts back in Japan.
The Langley Estate drew nearer and Asuka mentally walked herself through a packing list. She intended to make it as swift as possible and have Oz take her back to the airport: her time in Germany had come to an end.
As she threw clothes and toiletries in her bag, the air became angry and oppressive, as if her childhood home was upset she, too, was leaving. She paid no mind to the heavy environment and lugged her suitcases down the stairs.
The Estate would sit alone, without a Langley, for the first time in over a decade. The remnants of a dead bloodline, without an heir to carry the name, the house was a mausoleum with one lone attendant.
As Asuka bid her final farewells to the last remnants of the Langley name, she turned away only to be caught by a panicked Ozvaldo.
"Oz?"
"Asuka!" he panted. "We have to go now."
He snatched her hand and led her to the car, leaving her bags behind.
Turning back to look at the blue luggage set, she reluctantly followed behind the man, "Wait, my things!"
"No time, we have to go!"
"What's going on?"
Ignoring the question, Oz pushed her into the backseat of the car and ran around the front. When he sat down, Asuka reached forward and grabbed his shoulder.
"Ozvaldo: what is going on?"
He took a deep breath and turned back to the girl, "It's your mother."
"She tried to reach back out to you," Rei said, turning back to the conversation.
Shinji shifted away from Kaworu and looked her in the eyes, "What?"
"Asuka wanted to contact you after the funeral."
"How do you know that?"
"I saw it on her heart."
"Okay, so she's going to call me?" Shinji asked.
"No: there has been a change."
"Wait, what?"
Kaworu stuffed his hands into his pockets, "Now I understand."
Shinji turned back to him, "Understand what?"
"She is growing desperate, and has played her gambit."
Shinji shook his head, "I wish you would just tell me what's going on."
"Asuka is attempting to prevent her soul's retrieval. Her father's demise, rewriting history, and the awakening of the Mass Production Evangelions are all an attempt at preventing your reunion."
"I understand that. But what changed? What else is left?"
"Kyoko has awakened."
Song: "The Dreaming Tree" by Dave Matthews Band
