Asuka Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 17: And A Tear From Your Eye Brings Me Home
Shinji paced back and forth, shoes somehow echoing in an endless void. The emptiness held no climate, no atmosphere, yet the air was heavy, laden with worry and fear. An immeasurable weight pressed upon him, forming dark clouds in his mind: Kyoko's sudden reappearance drastically changed everything, raising the stakes beyond what he could handle.
"She knows what's going on, then, doesn't she?"
Rei's delicate voice couldn't soften the answer: "You should assume so."
"But how?" He couldn't fathom how Kyoko would know the truth of their reality. "Was she watching us while she was comatose?"
"I told her," Kaworu answered quickly, not allowing Shinji any time to ruminate. "Back in Germany, before my time came to an end."
Nearly knocked backwards by the information, the sudden blow quickly eroded the sense of trust held between them. The landscape was changing by the moment and Shinji felt as if he was losing his footing.
"Allow him to explain," Rei defended her partner, catching Shinji's expression bouncing between anger and betrayal.
He remained silent, watching and waiting.
Kaworu spoke calmly, "After her car accident, she began acting strangely towards me, saying she 'never had a son', I 'shouldn't be trusted'... I became suspicious that she had gained knowledge, somehow. I never considered she held a fragment, but she knew something was amiss."
More silence. Shinji had to take time to process what he was hearing. Thankfully, it allowed Kaworu to continue.
"Just before my time in this world ended, I simply sat down and told Kyoko everything, watching for a reaction, searching for confirmation either way," the boy remained unnervingly matter-of-fact, "Instead I sent her into shock and she fell into a coma."
Rei summarized for him, "With that evidence, we believed it was very unlikely that Kyoko would hold a fragment of Asuka's soul."
"At the time it was unthinkable. We had never considered a universe could hold more than one fragment, but..."
"But now we don't know for sure, do we?" Shinji interrupted.
The others in the space were frighteningly silent. Kyoko was rarely a factor in their past experiences, and even when she was, it was minimal. Now they could only speculate how much she would divulge to her daughter.
Shinji turned away and tried to make sense of it all. There was always the one fragment: the Asuka he interacted with. Now he had to consider the other possible fragments at play, including Kyoko. Who else in this world carried a shard of her soul?
Rei shook her head, "Irrespective of her holding fragment or not, Kyoko knows everything; her knowledge will likely tempt Asuka to stay."
Shinji couldn't make sense of it, or at least he didn't want to. This was a familiarly unfamiliar situation, but instead of just trying to save one part of the girl, he had to try and save many.
"Why wouldn't Asuka, any version of her, want to come back?" Shinji asked, feigning naiveté, "Back to reality?"
"Because reality is painful. And Soryu has suffered more than most already."
He cringed at the painfully obvious answer: reality was painful, especially their reality. A wasteland unlike any other, devoid of all but two human beings and their two extraterrestrial companions, covered with evidence of their catastrophic deeds.
Shinji had seen the effects of various Impacts throughout an unbelievable number of lives, and one fact always remained: the world left behind was bitter, hostile, and ugly. Every single time. If the scarred Earth could hold emotions, it would harbor a well-deserved resentment towards Asuka and Shinji. Weather patterns had changed wildly after Third Impact, and the two had always speculated it was the planet's last attempts at completely purging itself of the plague known as mankind.
"Who could blame anyone for being afraid of hurt and pain?" asked Rei.
That's all she's known. Even with me... Shinji's inner demons grew stronger, regaining their voice in his mind.
"And thus," Kaworu elaborated, "Asuka attempts to save herself from further suffering. It is not an illogical line of thinking."
"No," Shinji reluctantly agreed, "it's not."
His position had been cornered. He wasn't sure if he needed to hear the answer aloud, or was simply hoping this time would be different. But he knew the truth, where it would end up: what remained of Earth, and humanity, was scarred beyond recognition, irreparably harmed by his actions alone. As much as they tried to push the blame onto others, Shinji shouldered it all.
Even Asuka's current state.
But, there is hope, he reminded himself, stifling the creatures that dwelled in the dark recesses of his mind. That's all we have, and I won't give that up.
Shinji had remained hopeful ever since they stood up from that beach, two emotional wrecks of human beings, barely capable of communication. But they never left each other, knowing full well that one day they would be ready. Though their souls were left raw and tattered, they had seen each other's hearts, and there was still hope. That hope kept the defeated thoughts at bay, moved him forward when every step was agony. And that hope is what drove Shinji to find every last piece of Asuka that had run away.
Run from him.
"But now, with Kyoko, she's stopping herself from returning?" Shinji's brain ached, "This is so confusing."
"It does not help that there are multiple fragments," Rei agreed. "This is beyond any of our prior experiences."
"And there are still more out there..." Shinji said, nearly against his will.
Rei only nodded slightly in agreement, deflating him further, "We have not seen the end of it."
"The truth is, Shinji," Kaworu continued.
"Don't say it."
"She may never-"
"Please," he begged.
"-be whole again."
Shinji slowly sat down, pulling his knees to his chest, resting his head against them. The ground, or whatever it was, was cold and hard. His heart pounded in his ears, an effect amplified by the void, "I don't care. I'll do this forever if I have to."
He would. He swore it to himself all those years ago. And he reaffirmed it every time he failed. Especially after seeing a faint glimmer of a smile in his direction when he succeeded, Shinji knew it would eventually be worth it, to one day hear those words aloud.
"You do not have to punish yourself for eternity," Rei appeared sitting beside him.
"It's not punishment," he glared at her. "It's atonement."
Neither Rei nor Kaworu spoke, electing to simply exist quietly in the void alongside him.
"Soryu chose to fracture herself, Shinji," she replied, "it was nothing you did."
He stared at her from between his knees, "Look me in the eyes and tell me I didn't cause this."
"That is not what I-"
"Asuka saw into my heart," Shinji could only hold his gaze for a moment longer as tears welled in the corners of his eyes, "she saw what I did to her."
"Shinji-"
"'Disgusting.' The first words she said to me after that place," the pain fueled his desire to make things right. "She saw all of me and it sickened her."
Rightfully so.
The first few days after Third Impact were uneventful: neither he nor Asuka spoke to each other, the wounds of Instrumentality far too fresh to even consider moving out of fear of tearing them anew. No one was really sure what happened in that time, their minds awash with a terrifying mix of memory, fantasy, nightmare, and reality. Even now, their true recollections began nearly a week later. They simply refused to discuss the earlier occurrence.
But he would never forget the word 'disgusting'. Not from those lips, with that tone, in that moment. It was deserved: Shinji had earned that, at the very least.
"Maybe all this," he gestured to the vast emptiness again, "is punishment."
"Shinji-"
"All I ever wanted was for someone to care about me, to love me. And the first person to do it-"
"Was as damaged as you were," Kaworu interrupted.
Shinji looked at the boy now sitting across from him, smiling as always. It was like he was never fazed by what was happening around him: this was merely a game to a being like him.
"Forgive me, Shinji, but please know we've had this exact conversation dozens of times."
Stunned, Shinji turned away from him. Kaworu wasn't wrong, he could recall the past interactions nearly verbatim. Every time he thought he had a new winning argument, a way to verbally knock that smirk off his face, the ethereal being countered him.
"This is always where I struggle: getting her to come with me," Shinji closed his eyes and tried to suppress the memories of his failures.
"She must choose, as she has done many times before."
"But what if she doesn't?" his defeatism was reemerging. "I don't know why she'd choose to leave this life to be with someone that... that did what I did."
Kaworu swiftly countered, "So you should ask yourself, 'Then why has Asuka stayed thus far?' After all she saw, why did she remain with you?"
"Shut up."
"You know that she blamed herself for what happened as much as you do," he continued against Shinji's wishes. "She pushed you away, all because she was afraid to be hurt by you."
"I don't know that."
"You saw her heart, as well."
"It doesn't matter," Shinji would never allow her to take any blame for his most shameful act.
"Why else would she be trying to help, then?"
"What?"
"She's trying to make things right, too."
Shinji stood and walked the opposite direction into the blackness, away from Kaworu. Anything to get away from him.
Shinji hated the void. He'd spent far more time in this realm than he'd ever wanted; even when blissfully unaware of the truth of the world, his memories temporarily washed away upon inserting himself into a universe in which he didn't belong, he was at least spending time with Asuka. But this space was devoid of Asuka, a planning space for their rescue mission. There were no smile or laughter, no Asuka; it was where Shinji, Rei, and Kaworu spoke of her and around her, but she never visited the barrier between worlds.
"I knew it was a mistake to bring her," he lamented. "And now I can't even get to her, meaning I could lose everything."
"Soryu will not choose to remain," Rei assuaged. "You must trust her."
"Rei-"
"Shinji," her eyes were as cold as red could be, "trust her."
Tainted seafoam milled about as gentle waves lapped at the broken shore. The nearest sea to home, polluted by the apocalypse; an incredible reminder of the mess he created.
Shinji dug his heels into the sand, gazing into the distance, trying to ignore the immense head on the horizon. Fortunately, it had since rolled away, no longer showing its perfect bisection, but it was still her head.
There had been an unspoken relief felt as Rei's omnipresent gaze was no longer on the two. Though clearly not the First Child they had known for so long, it was unnerving enough to see the resemblance in the distance.
The sand crunched and he glanced over, recognizing the scavenged footwear that approached. He was unable to speak, not after the last fight. Having nearly given up, she confronted him and cornered him, and he said things he shouldn't have.
Asuka sat down beside him at a cautious distance, but faced him directly. It was to be an honest conversation. Thankfully Rei had allowed some form of privacy
"You," her voice was raw, "love me?"
"There is still the issue of the Mass Production Evangelions," Kaworu's smile had disappeared, the seriousness affecting him. "These fragments do not want Asuka to return with you."
This was a desperately unfamiliar situation. Not only was Shinji forced to confront more than one fragment of Asuka's shattered soul, all but one had already heard his pleas to leave the dream and had rejected him. A scar had been left on his heart with every failure, every fragment of his beloved that couldn't bear to be with him. And now they were seeking him out, taking the form of the harbingers of her own destruction.
It was poetic in the cruelest sense of the word.
"Could I just talk to them?" he asked the only tactic he would consider.
"The time for reasoning has passed," Rei said flatly. "They can sense how close you are to succeeding."
"I won't fight them."
"You need to get to Germany and they're going to stand between you," Kaworu explained. "You must."
Again Shinji balked at the suggestion.
"They will hunt you down. And if they kill you, everything is likely lost."
"There is the chance that Soryu is trapped here forever," Rei interjected. "Her additional presence complicates things."
Shinji shuddered at the thought: after the last attempt failed so spectacularly, Asuka was adamant that she accompany from that moment forward. Initially against it, Shinji eventually relented and allowed her to join him on this rescue attempt. His experiences led him to believe she would merge with the fragment, it would see the truth, and they would return swiftly.
If only it were that simple, he sighed, deflated by the thought of losing all of her; he never should've allowed it.
"There is only one option," Kaworu said.
"I said I won't."
"I don't believe you'll be given a choice."
"Kaworu, I-"
Unfortunately, Shinji's words were interrupted by an infinite darkness followed by a blinding light. As he opened his eyes in the void, a horrifying sight rendered him speechless.
A titanic reminder of lifetimes ago, adorned in purple armor and crowned with a single spire, Unit 01 kneeled before him in the Realm, peering down with lifeless eyes.
A dispassionate machine hellbent on torturing its lone pilot and son, its presence pressed upon Shinji like a painfully familiar weight. The phantom bindings on his soul rubbed him raw again, reminding him of every horrific and painful memory associated with it.
Far too much death and bloodshed for any one child to handle, Shinji had experienced enough to sicken him by association alone.
"What- how?" he stammered.
Rei appeared next to him, "We were able to bring her from another-"
"Please don't call it 'her'," Shinji interrupted and glared at Rei while he walked around the massive armored knee. Hand outstretched, fingers floating above the horrible object, but dancing just out of reach, afraid to touch it.
"But, it is-"
"I know what it is," Shinji cut Rei off again. "My mother isn't inside there. My mother left me, drifting into space, after inflicting nothing but pain on me."
He'd piloted since then, dozens of times, in fact. But he hated it every time: the familiar taste of the LCL, the comfortable hum of the entry plug, the horrifying sensation of another within the machine. He hated it.
"This," he nodded towards the Evangelion, "is nothing but a tool."
"Ikari-"
"That's all she saw me as."
Rei understood the finality of the statement and lowered her head.
He hated it. Ever since ending the world the first time he hated it. He hated it.
But he still piloted when necessary. The amount of worlds still revolving around Angels and Evas, NERV and SEELE, sickened him. But he did it to save Asuka. Like he didn't before.
Shinji spoke again, "How am I supposed to get this, you know, in?"
"That's quite simple," Kaworu smiled.
"If just doing things was so simple, why haven't we done it before?" Shinji was upset at the flippant nature of the statement.
"Changing things: adding, subtracting, transporting, it all draws attention to us. It's why Rei and I rarely survive the universes: we don't belong."
"And I do?"
"She wants you there, whether she knows it or not..." Rei spoke clearly.
"Does it hurt?"
Shinji sat up off the beach and looked over at his newest partner, "No. It feels like falling asleep."
Asuka squirmed in the sand and inserted the earphone before closing her eyes and saying, "Okay. I'm ready."
Watching the frighteningly calm young woman next to him, he paused until a sliver of ocean blue glanced in his direction.
Following the unspoken instruction, he laid back down beside her and inserted his own earphone, thumb resting over the PLAY button. He hesitated, and turned his head towards her, "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Eyes still closed, she nodded against the ground, "Trust me."
Before he could come up with another excuse to delay, Shinji thumbed the PLAY button and sank into the cosmos.
Shinji sat silently in the entry plug, quietly awaiting his next move. He focused on the all-too-familiar thrum of the Evangelion, using it to drown out anything that attempted to reach out to him.
There was no fanfare for this deployment: no briefing, no startup sequence, no commands to launch. The usual cast of players, all members of some form of shadowy government organization tacitly dedicated to ruining the lives of already ruined children, was missing. The futuristic home base, almost always located in the Kantō region of Japan, except for that one time it was in San Francisco, California, simply did not exist.
Predictably, the Eva was placed in Hakone, near where Tokyo-3 would be if it existed in this universe. Shinji positioned himself between Lake Ashi and the city, ready to prevent any potential conflict near the populus. Real or not, he still wouldn't allow harm to come to anyone; they didn't ask for this.
In any other situation, he would remark about how beautiful a day it was: clear skies, a bright sun, a gentle breeze rolling off the mountain across the water. It would be ideal had he not been trapped inside a literal monster created solely for the purpose of torturing anyone involved with it.
He released the split yokes and watched as he flexed his right hand open and shut, happy to at least not be in a plugsuit. Shinji could only bear so much as he was forced to relive some of his most traumatic memories throughout countless lifetimes, so any control he could exert, even clothing, was welcome.
How very mature of me, he chuckled to himself.
The presence of Evangelion Unit 01 was an anachronism, one the current world quickly grew resentful of. Shinji could feel the fabric of the universe buckling under the immense weight of the misplacement. The mood was shifting as reality understood that they weren't going away. It grew hostile, tinged with red anger.
Shinji's focus was only given a short time to waver, though, as with little fanfare red pings appeared in his radar, signifying the approaching Mass Production Evas. His heart rate jumped as he continued to weigh the consequences of complete pacifism against the fellow monstrous creations.
'You don't need to destroy them, merely incapacitate them.' Kaworu's callous words reverberated in his mind.
Monsters or not, they were fragments of Asuka's soul and Shinji couldn't bear to lay a finger on them. Unable to assure that she would not suffer as they fought, he swore to himself he'd find a way.
A third, and then a fourth blip appeared on the screen. They had certainly taken notice of his presence.
Calm hands slowly gripped the controls, determined to remain collected throughout what was about to occur. He gently expanded his AT field, careful to not provoke the incoming attackers, hoping to merely reach out and make peaceful contact.
'I won't fight them. Not unless you can guarantee me Asuka won't suffer.'
Five and six came into range as the first lumbered into his field of view. They seemed to keep a distance from him, likely awaiting the arrival of all nine before whatever it was they intended to do.
None responded to the AT field's invisible probing tendrils: all Shinji could sense was a cold, callous resentment.
Well deserved.
'They likely won't show you the same restraint, Ikari.'
Shinji shook his head, breathing deeply to calm his nerves. His grip on the controls tightened and he had to force himself calmer again.
"Seven. Eight," he whispered, watching the display. Shinji still had no plan, no ideas. The fear was gripping his heart.
'She's right. These aren't Asuka, they're merely fragments: frightened and desperate.'
Deep down, Shinji hoped the final Evangelion would never show. That it would avoid the field and provide a reason to run, to not fight. An opening for peaceful negotiations. Or, ideally, complete surrender.
This universe, however, remained as cold and unfeeling as any other. It did not listen to his pleas for civility, instead laughing at the request.
'But they are Asuka. Even if they're the smallest part of her, they're still her. And I won't hurt her. Never again. I swore it.'
"And that makes Nine..." he sighed, defeated, as the final unit appeared on screen.
He had nothing. No desire to pilot. No desire to fight. He didn't even want to be in this cursed machine. Not again. The last time he was forced to face Asuka... Shinji shuddered at the memory. A wave of blood, the tearing of metal and flesh, her panicked shriek.
'Losing parts of her soul to eternity must be worse than fighting them.'
Shinji's shoulders slumped, his heart and morale following. There would be no choice. The weapons of death and destruction only knew death and destruction.
Slowly, wings sprouted from the backs of all nine Mass Production Evangelions and the massive units took flight, circling overhead, like a nightmare. Like he'd seen in Instrumentality.
Dread filled his veins, weighing on his heart and freezing his body. He was nowhere near as brave as she was, even after all they'd been through. Surviving a broken world, traveling across universes, reliving nightmare after nightmare. None of it prepared Shinji to fight again. It never did.
His knuckles whitened on the split yokes, gripping them more firmly than ever before, but he knew it was nearly time. Their circling had slowed. They would descend upon him soon.
Shinji willed the Eva to look skywards, but it fought him.
Damn you, wretched machine, he hissed in his mind, fully aware it would hear him.
Even when not faced with fighting the pieces of his love's very soul, Shinji hated fighting inside the Evangelion, hated sharing his consciousness with someone who abused him so. Even if this version of his mother hadn't led him to annihilating the human race, he struggled to make peace with any iteration.
But he did it for Asuka. He fought for Asuka, with Asuka, and, if need be, against Asuka.
No.
The word echoed in his mind, the soul within the Eva reacting negatively to it.
I won't. I refuse.
Defiantly, Unit 01 began to crouch, preparing a counterattack to the slowly circling titans overhead, ignoring Shinji's will.
"I said 'No'," he commanded from the Entry Plug.
The progressive knife deployed and a hand reached for it.
"STOP, DAMN IT!"
Metal alloy fingertips rested against the hilt of the weapon as souls fought for control of the machine. But Shinji would not allow it to make another movement.
He could feel her soul arguing with him, raging against his dissent, but Shinji smirked and issued one command.
"Eject Entry Plug."
The screens flashed their kaleidoscope of colors before the mechanism reversed the cylinder from within the Evangelion. Not even allowing Yui a chance to object, he opened the hatch the moment it drained and leapt to the ground.
Suddenly feeling much smaller against the monsters above, Shinji took a deep breath and sprinted forward towards the open field.
Heavy footsteps fell as he ran towards his doom, sticks and leaves crunching underneath every stride. The skies were no longer clear, the battle heralded in with thick clouds and a deep thunder. The sun, now blotted out by circling metallic scavengers, allowed itself to be hidden out of fear. The air had stopped moving, still and heavy. Even the air knew what was to occur.
Shinji had reached a clearing, no longer blocked by the trees. She couldn't ignore him now.
Eyes and heart aimed at the sky, he called out to the heavens above:
"ASUKA!" he pleaded with everything he had. "I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!"
The vultures of death circled slower and slower, and he called out again.
"ASUKA, PLEASE! I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!"
With lightning speed they descended upon him as he finished the thought, now but a defeated whisper.
"... like I couldn't before..."
In his final moment within this reality, he uttered her most hated words:
"I'm sorry."
And he saw blackness.
Two hearts drifted through the void, eternally intertwined with each other, searching for somewhere to land.
As they circled the globe, a familiar land mass came into view.
"Haven't we been here before?" Asuka asked.
Their descent had begun and there was no more uncertainty in their target.
"Every time," Shinji responded.
A busy subway station flashed beneath them as they slowed, separating.
"I can't wait to meet you again."
There was no pain. The creatures of fear and resentment were swift and efficient, and for that Shinji thanked them.
He held his eyes shut for what felt like forever, afraid to come to terms with his failure. Perhaps if he shut them long enough, Asuka would be back by his side, saved from whatever damnation she had concocted.
He grew angry at himself for allowing her to join him. Against it from the beginning, she persisted, and the hopelessly-in-love man permitted it. They sat on the beach, for the first time together, as they closed their eyes and were transported to a new world. Having done it nearly a hundred times alone, he hoped it would be pleasant to bring her along. But that was until he realized what was at stake: not just the fragment of Asuka's soul they were after, but what remained of Asuka on that beach could be lost forever.
Time continued to pass and Shinji refused to visually acknowledge his fate, but he couldn't shut his eyes forever and slowly he allowed the blinding light slip through his eyelids as he opened them to the most peculiar of settings.
Shinji stood in a familiar living room, letting the uncomfortable scene wash over him. He'd been here before, long, long ago. Many times, in fact.
Multiple visions of Asuka milled about the apartment: one resting her head wearily at the table, another watching TV, a third sitting alone on the balcony. Oblivious to Shinji's presence, he watched as the overlapping shadows of the girl remained in a stasis, trapped in a moment in this apartment.
In the chaotic silence of the instances, Shinji realized how truly alone she was. Even in memories where he or Misato should've been present, they simply did not exist. This mirage was full of loneliness and isolation, reality be damned.
"So, this is how you felt?" he asked himself, relating it to his own moments of introversion.
"Yes," a shallow voice answered the rhetorical question.
Shinji spun on his heel and saw another younger visage of the girl. Thirteen again, like most every time they shared this living quarter, he looked down at Asuka, sporting the same yellow shirt she wore all those years ago, but stained with an incomprehensible amount of tears.
"You never came in."
Allowing the conversation to continue, Shinji followed her gaze into the living room, beyond the shadow of herself watching TV. An empty cot and a strewn blanket adorned the floor, raging hormones and confused feelings lining the rest of the room, and he knew to what moment she was referring.
Another missed signal, another missed chance. A soul begging for connection, without knowing how.
He turned back to Asuka and then the door that lay beyond her. The lights were still on, haloing the entrance, and Shinji knew that behind the door was a terrified, lonely girl desperately in need of an act of love. He slowly strode to the door, reaching out to try to do what he never could before, but the moment paralyzed him, hands shaking even though he'd lived many lifetimes in the time since.
"No," he sighed, "I didn't."
Shinji slowly turned his gaze back towards the room, remaining with Asuka.
This was during their sync training. He glanced at the shut door and remembered the terrified, anxious girl kneeling behind it, begging for someone to come in.
Not just someone, Shinji recalled her heart. She was waiting for me.
"Why not?" Asuka's question was earnest: she'd been left wondering for far too long.
"I was too scared."
Shinji met honesty with honesty. He was always afraid of Asuka in some form: afraid to not live up to her expectations, afraid to be rejected by someone that understood him, afraid that he wasn't strong enough for her.
"Are you still scared of me?"
Shinji turned and looked down at Asuka's face, but she refused to meet his gaze.
The words choked his voice and tears welled up as he recalled what was at stake: "I'm scared to lose you."
Sapphire eyes darted in his direction, but quickly averted. She wasn't expecting that answer.
A heavy silence held over them as Shinji followed her gaze towards the empty cot on the floor where he should be laying. He then glanced at the shut door again.
Her eyes widened and quickly glanced at the older boy, but averted just as fast, "You got tall."
"Yeah," he chuckled at the subject change.
"When did that happen?"
"A couple years ago. You grew up, too, just," he smiled to himself, "not as tall."
She gave an aggravated growl before turning and facing him with the saddest eyes Shinji could ever remember seeing, "Are you happy?"
"I'm trying to be."
Shinji was honest. He'd done this part enough times to know she wouldn't accept anything but honesty. Fragment or not, she knew when he wasn't telling it all.
"I don't know if I know how to be happy anymore."
He looked down at the young Asuka, but she had turned away, staring at the closed door. "It's not easy. I'm still trying to learn how."
"What makes you happy?" Asuka still wouldn't turn and face him.
"Being with you."
Her cheeks flushed and she turned even farther away, whispering, "Idiot..."
Shinji smiled and looked down at the girl who refused to meet his gaze and focused on the task at hand, "Why do you think we're here?"
"I... I don't know."
Again he glanced at the shut door, knowing his prize lay beyond it. Smiling softly, Shinji gently spoke, "I came here with someone: someone like you. But I haven't been able to find her."
The younger Asuka shifted nervously on her feet.
He continued the non-confrontational tone, "Do you know where she went?"
She shook her head quickly, "No."
It was in that moment he realized there were now four sets of eyes on him. His questioning had got their attention, and multiple Asukas began watching attentively.
"I think you do," Shinji pressed her, keeping his eyes on the others. "It's very important I find her again."
"Why?"
"Because I love her."
Two of the other Asukas stood in place, watching the young man converse with one of their own. Shinji could feel the mood shifting within the room.
And then the young girl broke Shinji's heart with a simple question: "What... what does it feel like to be loved?"
His vision blurred again as the tears formed: he remembered asking the same question of himself as a child. Abandoned by his father, left behind by his mother, how he longed to be held, to be told he was good enough. Instead he was dragged into a war for humanity, told what to do, where to be, how to kill, but never once did anyone ask him how he felt. And then he met someone: another cursed soul thrown into the most twisted scheme ever devised by man.
And he was petrified. Afraid to reach out and touch, lest she also turn away from him. And it wasn't until he willingly ended humanity that he began to understand the mirrored depths of her despair.
His delayed answer drew another response from the girl, a predictable, embittered response: "I don't need 'love'. I don't need anything."
"Asuka..." Shinji tried to plead, but didn't know what to say.
"I told myself I'd live on my own. I wouldn't cry anymore. I don't need anything from anyone."
Words escaped him. How desperately he wanted to change this line of thinking, the same line of thinking Asuka'd had since she was a small child. He wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, her rock when her strength failed. She'd been a guiding light for him for so long, a childish crush that had blossomed into something so much more.
She didn't need to hide her emotions any more, not from him or anyone. Shinji accepted her as she was, much as she accepted him. He knew it in her heart, even if she hid it and sent it away.
Shinji glanced around the room at the others and a faint glimmer caught the corner of his eye. Turning towards it, he noticed the most anachronistic object was now laid at his feet. He crouched down and picked it up off the floor.
It wasn't there before; in fact, it had never been in that apartment. It was originally found miles away in the aftermath of it all.
Wondering only for a moment how it arrived in that time and place, Shinji realized something: he had an ally behind that door, and she was helping.
"What is that?" Asuka asked.
Shinji was silent as he looked at the survival scars the item bore across its flesh, running his hands over the body and feeling the cracks and breaks the wasteland had left. It had survived hell on Earth, caused by his hand, no less.
His heart pounded in his head, an anxious demon resting upon his shoulder, whispering words of despair into his ear. But failure was not an option, not again.
In the stillness, turning the guitar over in his hands, Shinji recalled Rei's words and knew what to do.
'You'll find music that you need to hear.'
Shinji sighed and moved towards a chair at the table, gently laying the instrument across his lap before smiling to himself. He strummed the guitar before looking her in the eyes, as beautiful as he remembered.
"It's for you..."
He took a deep breath and focused on Asuka. And he played.
So, we're alone again
I wish it were over
We seem to never end
Only get closer to the point
Where I can take no more
Words poured from his heart...
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour
... begging for a chance to be heard.
Won't you be the new one burn to shine?
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry
Even in the post-Instrumentality world, she remained stoic. Strong and proud, even though she was empty.
Hush my baby now
Your talkin' is just noise
And won't lay me down
Amongst your toys in a room
Where I can take no more
Occasionally she'd smile...
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour
... but it was short lived, almost as if she couldn't remember how.
Won't you be the new one burn to shine?
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry
He remained hopeful, even after years, remembering how beautiful her laughter could be. The strength of those memories carried him through the hardest times.
Photographs and brightly colored paper
Are your mask you wear in this caper
That is our life, we walk right into the strife
And a tear from your eye brings me home
But even in the darkest days in the wastelands, she would never cry. And that is how he knew something was wrong.
Won't you be the new one burn to shine?
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
All you have to do is cry
The song came to an end, the final chord ringing out in the apartment. The damaged instrument held little sustain, but he hoped his passion alone could carry the vibrations straight to her heart.
Opening his eyes again, Shinji found the room blurred by his wettened vision. Blinking away the moisture, there was a brief panic as his eyes darted around the room searching for the younger girl, but he was alone: every version of the redhead had disappeared.
He frantically stood, unable to bear the chance he had lost her, but the moment was short-lived and his soul breathed a sigh of relief.
The sliding door slipped open and a young woman walked out. She was taller than he remembered, but he'd also spent the last year with a 15 year-old version of her. Hours spent in the sun had given way to freckles and tanned skin, as well as a faint few scars from mishaps throughout their shared experiences. Her eyes were still a magnificent shade of blue, but darkened by emptiness, though perhaps a bit brighter than before.
This was his Asuka.
"Asuka!" Shinji belted out, racing in her direction.
She was silent but for one question, "Was that for me?"
He nodded and smiled, slightly embarrassed. And for the first time for as long as he could remember, Asuka smiled back at him.
"I think-" she paused to collect herself and stood a little straighter. "I think I'd like to go home."
Without words, Shinji took Asuka's hand and slowly led her towards the front door. Pressing the OPEN button, it slid into the wall and unveiled an infinite darkness.
Shinji looked back at Asuka and smiled, "Ready?"
"What's on the other side?" she asked.
"It's hard to explain. You'll have to see for yourself."
She smiled back, "Let's go."
And they stepped into the void. Together.
Song: "Closer" by Joshua Radin
A/N: Hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long. That's entirely on me. I hope you haven't forgotten our little adventure together.
Truth is, I've been trying to write this chapter for several months, afraid to not meet expectations, let y'all down, whatever. But, I was gently reminded a month ago that this was supposed to be fun. I'm not doing this to change the world, or reshape the Eva fandom: I'm doing this for fun, out of love. And so, I sat down and smiled again as I typed this. Even now, as I post this, I'm lamenting and editing, line by line. My old friend would chide me for lamenting (sorry, buddy).
Sorry it's taken so long. This is the part of the story I was most excited for, and I hope you're just as excited as I am. I've been ready for this for over a year. Though it kind of seems like the ending, I assure it's not. There is still more to come.
Thanks for waiting for me,
- RLLRRR
