Asuka Shinji's Infinite Playlist

Chapter 19: And Leave You Nowhere Else to Run

Shinji plummeted backwards, his gaze transfixed on the slimming rectangle in the sky above. Within the closing window, Asuka's bright blue eyes shimmered with something uncertain as she tore herself away, his last glimpse at her before the doorway disappeared completely. He tried to interpret her expression as he fell, but neither time nor gravity were on his side.

He entered the sea with a grand splash, the sudden and jarring event forcing his attention back upon his surroundings. The water was always disconcertingly warm: they'd sworn to each other long ago to avoid the temperature comparisons, deep down knowing what it was reminiscent of. Kicking for the surface, Shinji blinked away the tainted liquid in time enough to make eye contact with a horrific visage on the horizon.

The gargantuan bisected head had rolled back towards Japan, again showing its disgusting wound. Shinji turned away from it immediately, unhappy to be greeted again by the sight: the last thing he needed was judgment from the titanic maimed head of Rei.

Swimming back to the beach in silence, head turned to the left to avoid the gruesome sight, he took the time to try and understand what exactly had occurred to bring him here. The world was silent save for his splashing, but his mind was abuzz: he had never been dropped back into the ocean before, not since exiting Instrumentality. Everything about this was frighteningly different.

Waterlogged shoes, socks, and pants added to the internal weight as he exited the sea, his weakened state creating twin drag lines in the sand for a few steps before dropping to his knees out of not only physical, but emotional exhaustion. Traveling between worlds always took its toll on him, but he felt unusually weak, and now he had the mental baggage to add to to it.

After a few slow breaths, Shinji had to fight off the overwhelming urge to cry. This was the most daunting rescue attempt he'd ever made, complete with multiple fragments of her soul in one space. Not only did he successfully break through to them, they all left the world with him. They were mere moments from returning home. Yet...

"I don't know what happened, Asuka," he sighed to himself. "Where did I go wrong?"

A polluted tide crashed against the shore, mirroring the dark and damaged thoughts racing through Shinji's mind. Dirty, orange-hued seafoam bubbled away, lingering momentarily, staining his memory. As the soundscapes repeated, so, too, did her voice. So many hurtful words echoed in his mind, but these words scarred him the most, deeply affecting his psyche. She'd posed this question before, long ago in that place

'How can you expect me to love you if you don't even like yourself?'

Shinji shivered. The following two words had been the final trigger, the key to convincing him to selfishly bring it all to an end. If she wouldn't love him, then no one would be able to love ever again. He made sure of it.

Tears rolled down his cheeks at the memory, and he mockingly chided himself, "'How pathetic'."

Like lightning through his spine, another shiver coursed through him. Even in his voice, they were her words, two words that had never left his memory, lingering and festering below the surface like a parasite, eating away at any happiness he could ever hope to feel. Even at his best, he was a pathetic little boy to her.

His focus moved beyond his mind and Shinji glanced down at familiar damp shoes on the beach leading up to soaked pants sticking to his legs. There was no sunlight to dry him off, no warmth whatsoever, whether that was a real effect of his failed manner of a return or not was never settled.

Gathering what remaining strength he had, Shinji rolled to his side and stood upright, heading to the supply house they'd stocked years before. His eyes had lifted to the horizon, to the cleaved head in the distance, as if to bid a silent farewell. He began to nod his exit to the unmoving head as always, but before he could turn away from the beach a curious sight caught his gaze.

Slowly, Shinji's eyes widened in horror as he took in more and more of the being in the distance and realized something was terribly wrong.

Much like the first few days on the beach before the head shifted, the eyes again met his, piercing into his soul. He and Asuka were quite thankful when the being in Rei's form finally rolled away and instead stared upwards to the stars. But this time it wasn't her eyes at all. Where a pair of cold, empty, blood red irises had once been, it was now replaced with something far worse:

They were blue. Sapphire blue.

Ice exploded in his body, affixing him to the beach. He could not tear his eyes away from hers. Forced to take in her features, the sharp blend of Japanese, German, and American heritage was unmistakable. Even her hair fell differently than Rei's did, a detail unnoticed until now.

No longer was there an immense, halved Rei head in the distance. It was Asuka.

The deepest possible fear had stolen the breath from his lungs, a fear he had never known before this very moment. His mind raced with unnatural thoughts, foreign to him: Shinji had lived a hundred lifetimes and never once had he encountered this.

Forcing his body to move from the spot, he turned and made towards the city's remains. His pace quickened as he could feel the unmoving gaze in the distance bore a hole in him. Her eyes, such a beautiful shade of blue, serene and inviting, had never scared him so, and he would not turn to face it. He couldn't.

Shinji slowed as he neared the makeshift gravesite, hand assembled in the immediate aftermath of the cataclysm. Or at least it where it should have been. But no such markers were found. Even Misato's cross, once carefully placed as the indicator for her particular headstone was nowhere to be found. The driftwood, hand assembled and driven into the ground, was absent from the beach entirely. It was as if he had returned to the moments immediately after the event.

A familiar dread filled him. The same disorienting panic he felt all those years ago, the uncertainty of where he was, when he was, if he'd ever see anyone ever again. Again those thoughts flooded back to him, like a childhood friend. Terrified to look back over his shoulder, he imagined the head in the distance smirking at this new world of torture. He continued to the convenience store without looking back.

In the aftermath of it all, a nearby shop had become a safe house for their trips to the ravaged remains of the city: located close to the beach yet far enough from the gaping chasm where the Geofront once stood to still be structurally sound. After multiple trips back and forth to acquire the non-perishable goods and clear out the expired, he and Asuka stocked it with clothes, blankets, cots, bottled water, scavenged MREs, and a radio in the hopes that one day it would be utilized by anyone else. Years later, only Shinji ever entered the building to check on their forever untouched supplies.

But this visit was different.

Shinji had a distinct feeling that something was wrong almost immediately as he arrived at the store, and as he entered his suspicions were confirmed. None of the supplies remained, inexplicably replaced by the original shelves and stock. It was if they'd never emptied the store in the first place. As if he were placed, again, at his first moments after the apocalypse.

He cautiously walked through the building, careful to not displace any of the reincarnated product. Towards the frozen section, Shinji caught a glimpse of something that made his jaw drop: standing before him was a younger version of himself. A teenage boy, shattered by years of neglect and the trauma of Third Impact, he was as unmistakable as the day he chose to end the world. He was staring at himself at fourteen years old. Except the boyish version was not another individual, but was his reflection in the glass.

Shinji stumbled backwards into a shelf, rocking it and knocking its contents to the floor, watching as the younger version mirrored the events in the cooler. He looked down at his hands and arms and saw them: unscarred, unweathered. These were gangly weapons of war and destruction, not the tired, muscled arms of a man trying to rebuild his world.

He finally realized how he recognized his shoes, as they were the same white sneakers he'd worn most of his time in Tokyo-3.

The gravesite was gone, their supply house gone, their home and farm likely gone. Asuka was not only gone, but somehow became the traumatic being at the edge of the earth. Shinji had lost any and all of his progress. He was back at the beginning, where it all started, despite having lived hundreds of years already.

The frustration had begun to boil over as he struggled to remember how many trials and tribulations he'd suffered by now, how many times he forced himself to pilot an Eva in another world to try and bring Asuka back.

"I did all of this," he seethed, "for nothing...?"

His blood pressure rose, he could feel his heartbeat in his throat, his fists balled into wells of rage. And so he raged, starting with the hollow reflection of his fourteen year-old self in the freezer.

Shinji's fist flew at lightning speed into the glass, shattering it. Without hesitation, he turned towards the shelving he'd run into and continued to push its contents on the floor. Racks were ripped from the unit, bent brackets and twisted metal screeching powerlessly as the boy's warpath began. One of the broken shelves became a makeshift weapon with which he smashed and slashed the remaining freezers.

Methodically, Shinji moved down the rows of the store, breaking everything breakable, destroying everything destructible.

"Years!" he slammed into a cooler.

"Decades!" he smashed into a shelf.

He was given a second chance at life, a second attempt to find meaning of his own volition. That meaning quickly became Asuka: she was his everything, he would devote all of his energy and time for her. And it was ripped away. Stolen.

Shinji's destructive energies never waned as he moved from the back half of the convenience store to the front. While there were less coolers, less glass to take advantage of, there was plenty of racking with product to make a mess of.

When he came upon the instant ramen aisle he smirked wildly. He'd spent countless hours in stores just like this throughout his lifetimes, shopping with his guardian. For as many things changed world to world, many more repeated, a constant reminder of the reality he'd come from: in nearly every world, Misato's cooking was atrocious.

I've already ruined your beer, Misato, he growled to himself sarcastically. It looks like you'll go without your precious dinner!

His expression grew into a wild-eyed craze as he took time to individually break every package of ramen, either slashing it with his makeshift blade or stomping on it.

"IF I CAN'T BE HAPPY, YOU SURE CAN'T BE!" he cackled wildly.

The mania carried into the instant curry section and Shinji began to pull the packages open, squeezing the sauce packets with reckless abandon. As the disgusting sauces exploded out of his hands and onto the floor he'd smile in psychotic satisfaction. But the satisfaction rang hollow.

It wasn't long after strangling his fourth or fifth sauce packet that the manic laughter turned to sobs. And not much longer had he completely collapsed to the floor, disgusted and ashamed of what he'd just done.

Familiar scents had triggered happy memories, spiced sauces and seasoning packets reminding him of the few homecooked meals he had, of the shared dinners between himself, Misato, and... As disgusting as they were, the instant dinners were the closest he'd ever had to a mother figure cooking for him, and he got to share them with the only other person that could completely understand him.

Feeling no better despite his rage session, instead the hopelessness and misery welled up inside. Again, despite having lived over a hundred years' worth of lives and experiences, Shinji Ikari was a lonely fourteen year-old boy crying into his knees.

Nothing had changed. Nothing ever changes.

His quiet sobs became heavy tears. His heavy tears grew to cries of anguish. His cries of anguish exploded to wails of despair.

Shinji was broken and alone, without hope, without Asuka.

He hadn't been without Asuka in many lifetimes. Even when they were separated within the worlds, he knew she was safe at home, in reality. Now he didn't know where he was, where she was, if she was safe, or if he'd ever see her again.

His head buried further between his knees, body covered in sauces, crumbs, and shards of broken glass. The store smelled of anger and spices, overwhelming his senses. He looked at his hands covered in a red liquid, unsure whether it was blood or not.

Shinji lost track of time in there: at some point he passed out and awoke in the putrid mess he'd made. Eventually he pulled himself standing and made for the restroom, hoping to wash himself off, but a flash of red outside the building grabbed his attention and he turned quickly, slipping on the messy floor.

A flickering flame of something disappeared beyond the window, forcing the boy to bolt out of the store and give chase.

Slick hands grabbed the door frame, pulling him around the corner in the direction he saw it, leaving a smeared print as evidence of his wrongdoing. If there were police, they would follow the desperate stain to find the culprit. If there were witnesses, they would point to the young boy having a fit in a shop. If there was anyone, literally anyone else...

Shinji's feet eventually slowed as he realized he was chasing a ghost. The flame had flickered around a half dozen corners, never approachable despite his efforts. There simply was no flame, no flicker, no... no Asuka.

He fell to his knees again, lost deep in the twisted remains of Tokyo-3. The land was scarred and broken in the aftermath of the end of the world, and he was the only inhabitant remaining: not a shred of memory of a single other soul existed, except...

Shinji turned and looked back towards the coastline at the Goliath in the distance, barely peeking over the buildings. He knew what should be there, and he also knew what he had seen there. Fear had driven him away, and hope led him deeper in. But he had to go confront this monstrosity.

Maybe it wasn't Asuka anymore. Maybe that all was a figment of his imagination. Maybe...

Timid feet dragged across torn pavement towards the beach, every step a worrying step closer towards ruin. Nothing inside Shinji wanted to confirm the sight, but forward he moved. He had to be sure.

The night was silent. Even the sound of footsteps crunching in sand had disappeared. He couldn't even hear the pounding of his heart deep in his mind.

The air was heavy. Thick, like swimming through atmosphere. He could nearly drink in the humidity, a reminder that the fantasy of winter had long since passed.

The sky was alight. Stars, galaxies, and the potential of universes danced above him, teasing him of realities yet to come. The red streak staining the stratosphere as usual.

And the head remained. Half of Asuka's beautiful visage laid before him in the distance, painting a hellscape he couldn't comprehend.

Shinji stumbled backwards, unable to process the sight before him. In his backpedaling, he tripped and fell to the ground. Despite all this, though, his eyes never left hers.

Now forcibly seated, he allowed his mind to take in the sight: on the horizon lay her massive, bisected head. Her ocean blue eyes unblinking, offset due to the damage and shifting between them. His mind raced, his emotions reeling. His heart pounded in his ears, his vision blurred. It was no trickery, no illusion: for every time he tried to blink the image away, her dead and damaged face remained.

Shinji vomited on the beach and passed out.


Waves continued to wash upon the shore, heavy in his heart. Broken and alone, Shinji could only shiver. He wasn't physically cold, but the continued isolation and fears of abandonment reared its ugly head deep within him. He begged for literally anyone now. It had taken Rei a year to reappear on the beach, but he had hoped the enigmatic pair would return sooner: clearly Shinji wasn't in the real world, so maybe she or Kaworu could help to explain what was happening.

He couldn't stomach the thought of waiting a year for someone else to arrive. A year without Rei, without Kaworu, without... without Asuka.

Time passed in unfelt increments. He could have been on the beach for hours or days, it mattered not: he passively awaited the end to come, one way or another. In his mind, she would flick him on his forehead, yanking him out of his 365 day slumber. Stooped over him, she'd wear that smug smile of hers.

"Aww, did I keep you waiting?"

Shinji wanted to jump up and hug her, to use her embrace to wash away the filth of a full year of waiting. He longed to hold her body against his again, despite the lengthy isolation. But even in this fantasy, all he could feel was anger and resentment.

Asuka had abandoned him. Like his mother. Like his father. Like Misato.

Slowly, fists formed in the sand, squeezing the grains of the earth from between his fingers. Knuckles whitened while anger built.

He was alone.

Again.

And he knew who was to blame.

"I DID THIS FOR YOU!" Shinji addressed Asuka's massive head for the first time.

It never moved, never blinked. Just as Rei's damaged head hadn't in the past, Asuka's lie there on the horizon, cold and unfeeling. She ignored his words, his hurt, and it worsened his condition.

"HOW COULD YOU?!" he shouted in the distance. "I LOVED YOU!"

Time continued to pass, waves continued to crash. Despite Shinji's strength and might, nothing in this world was affected by his pain.

He slowly sat back on the beach, his words weakening, "I still love you..."

Emptiness was a common enough feeling for Shinji. His life had little meaning starting at a young age, and then purpose was forced upon him by his father; a selfish purpose, he would later learn, nowhere near as heroic as initially billed. But it was in this purpose that he met the first people to truly care about him in a long time. Friends and family. Peers and guardians. And in that group he realized the truth.

"I... just want anyone to love me..."

Because deep down he realized the truth.

Love at first sight seemed like such a myth Shinji had never considered it. Not, at least, until he met her on the deck of the Over the Rainbow. Asuka represented everything he ever wanted, everything he'd ever dreamed.

And now it was gone. Despite all of his efforts for her, she would never realize the lengths he'd gone to. A tear welled in his eyes, and through his lips a broken heart whispered, "And... I just wanted you to love me, too. Because... if you could love me, maybe I'm someone worth loving..."

Decades of time dedicated to her all for naught, attempts to mask the endless self-loathing deep within. Now, in this tortuous world, on this hellish beach, he, again, was alo-

Hehehe...

The sound snapped him out of his angsty trance. Shinji looked in all directions for the source of the giggling. The timbre was unmistakably Asuka's, and it was nearby. On tired legs he stood, ready to give chase in whatever direction she may be. However, deep within, he feared another phantom was playing tricks on him: he'd already fallen for it once.

But there was another giggle,

Hehehehe...

He spun in place, seeking any sort of confirmation that it was real. The giggle was slightly different, different enough that he knew inside it wasn't repeated. He struggled to keep his emotions at bay, hope gnashing like a starved dog within his soul, ready to take hold of the slightest shred.

Hehehe...

Again the giggling, rattling deep in his mind. Still unable to place the source, he turned back towards the coastline and covered his ears before sitting down. Refusing the siren's song, the sweet temptation of whatever didn't exist, Shinji chose to remain in his place. There was no source: this was a test.

Shinji...

The voice now spoke his name directly into his mind. His eyes, once forcibly shut, exploded open. She was burrowed deep into his psyche and there was no escape. But he fought it and shut his eyes once again.

Shinji...

Again, sweeter, more inviting. Her melancholy tune grew in intensity. How he longed for anyone, but not just anyone. He was lonely, but most of all he missed her.

"No! You're not real!" he shouted at the voice inside his mind.

Stupid Shinji!

The pet name broke him as his eyes opened wide, instantly locked on the horizon as massive blue pupils pulled him in. He was engulfed by them, swallowed whole by their beauty. Even despite the trauma that separated them, they were still hers. And it was then that he realized she was the source of the giggling, of the calling. The massive head of his beloved, cleaved in two, smiled at him, elated. Lovingly. And betwixt offset lips, she spoke:

"I love you!"

Horrified by the event, Shinji stumbled backwards and hit the ground as the sound of strings filled the air. A bittersweet symphony swelled in his ears and taunted him...

What was it she did to break your heart
Betray your heart and everything

Shinji stood and backed away, horrified. The world was taunting him, smiling at him, singing to him.

Kiss you with a kiss that wasn't true
It wasn't you at all

Words echoed in his heart, telling a story he wasn't ready to hear. He knew, deep down, that there was no escape. This was his punishment for failure. The strings swelled in anticipation as he turned away and thousands of redheaded phantoms slowly materialized out of thin air.

Hide behind a painted smile, did you
Know that you would live a lie or two
Pull the very ground from under you
And leave you nowhere else to run

"Please, no..."

Crestfallen, the visions of Asuka lingered around the beach and city. Clothed and nude, gleeful and despaired, the visages ignored his presence, instead making way for him, guiding him somewhere.

You can sail the seven seas and find
Love is a place you'll never see
Passing you like a summer breeze
You feel life has no other reason to be

The haunting chorus lashed at him, tearing bits and pieces from his soul, from his hope.

You can wait a million years and find
That heaven's too far away from you
Love's just a thing others do
What is love
'Til it comes home to you

The path continued deep into the remains of Tokyo-3, lined with the torturous apparitions that refused to acknowledge his existence. Where they led him he did not know, but truthfully, he didn't care. There was nowhere left to go.

He covered his ears, attempting to block out the music, but it was futile: the music was deep inside of him, no SDAT required. His pace quickened as he tried to flee, but as he ran with his head down, he failed to realize where he was being led. White sneakers skidded to a halt just before a frighteningly familiar door.

Did she promise you the world and did that
Girl just throw your love away
Leave you like a lonely solitaire
With just despair for company

The path had collapsed behind him as the crowd filled in, pressing him into the building. Time and space had compressed and he grew impossibly closer to his old apartment with every step. In an instant the door had slid open and within a moment he stood in a horrifying kitchen: the table was overturned, a puddle of coffee on the ground.

Do you think you'd find revenge so sweet
Make it so you hearts will never beat
Squeeze the very last and dying breath from
Everything you've ever dreamed

"NO!" he screamed as the crowd vanished behind him. Before his eyes was Asuka: one solitary Asuka floating in mid-air, arms and legs dangling, the shadows of fingers deeply depressed in her throat.

You can sail the seven seas and find
Love is a place you'll never see
Passing you like a summer breeze
You feel life has no other reason to be
You can wait a million years and find
That heaven's too far away from you
Love's just a thing others do
What is love
'Til it comes home to you

Tears streamed from Shinji's face as he was forced to watch as his beloved was stolen from him. A reminder of his most shameful moment, waiting for him to again play his role. But he refused.

You can sail the seven seas and find
Love is a place you'll never see
Passing you like a summer breeze
You feel life has no other reason to be
You can wait a million years and find
That heaven's too far away from you
Love's just a thing others do
What is love
'Til it comes home to you

This music continued as the life drained from Asuka, a hopelessly melancholy tune juxtaposed against Shinji's darkest nightmare. She, again, was gone from him: the light of his life taken away for one final moment. His soul faded as did the music, no longer able to hear anything but his own wishes to die.

As the song came to an end, so, too did the vision of the apartment. He found himself perched on a ledge, high above the gaping chasm where the Geofront once remained. Dirty white sneakers toed the rubble of a broken highway, while below twisted metal and concrete made up the bed of Shinji's final resting place, a decision he'd made without thought.

For one final time he was alone, forsaken and left by all. And why wouldn't he be, he wondered. He was truly a loathsome individual: selfish and immature. In his darkest moments he acted as disgusting as any one could, and this would be his retribution.

His left foot left the road, dangled precariously above the fall. He did not know where he would awaken after this: would it be in the real world, returned to his reality with Asuka, or was this to be his final trip?

Shinji had never died in his travels. He had faced countless Angels and Evas, fighting against the worst both Adam and Lilith could send his way, as well as the darkest nightmares conjured by Asuka. But, he had triumphed every time, even when the thin veil of defeat was necessary.

Now, for the first time since he was given a second chance on that beach all those lifetimes ago, he sought the comforting embrace of death. An end to his existence would surely be more enticing than to spend another moment with his most hated person: himself.

And so, in his final moment of weakness, Shinji closed his eyes, pictured his favorite shade of red, and leaned forward...


'You still haven't learned, have you...?'

Her voice snapped him out of his trance and in an instant he clumsily reached out and grabbed the railing. His heart raced, knowing full well how close to disaster he was. Sweaty palms attempted to slip the purchase from him, hinting at another chance at disaster, but a comforting hand grabbed atop his and secured him.

A light breeze ruffled his hair and he could almost picture the playfully scornful smile curtaining those dazzling blue eyes. She wasn't scolding him... she was... encouraging him.

Shinji's smile grew as he climbed over the railing, "You're wrong, you know."

The pair silently descended the rubble, back towards the beach. There were no words between them, deep down they knew their destination and purpose.

Footsteps of varied weight crunched gravel, broken glass, and eventually sand. Shinji and his guest found their spot on the beach and sat down, staring directly at the looming head in the distance. Asuka was still there, eyes wide, as beautiful as the day they first saw them.

"I love you, Asuka," Shinji's gentle words caught the breeze and travelled towards her head. "I have always loved you..."

Words tried to fail him, but he persevered. He and Asuka had missed the message so many times before, focused on the wrong spot. It was time to put an end to it all.

"You make me a better person," Shinji explained. "I strive to be the kind of person worthy of your love, of your admiration. And on this very beach, at the beginning of our life together, I started to become that person. And I do love that Shinji."

Tears welled up in his eyes as the self-acceptance he never knew existed within wrapped its arms around him, embracing him like he'd never been embraced before.

"I love the me that is in love with you," he continued. "Because you've given me something to live for, something to fight for. Something to work for."

For as much as Shinji had tried to attribute everything to Asuka, truthfully he was performing these rescues for himself, as well. He wanted to see her whole again. He wanted to see her smile.

"Even if you never love me back, I've learned to love myself by being better for you."

He'd never had the strength to say these words before for fear of her reaction, be it resentment or rejection. But now, in this moment, Shinji realized that his existence was not dependent upon Asuka. He chose to love Asuka. And in his seemingly hopeless pursuit of that shattered girl, he slowly became the man he'd always wished he was. A strong, caring, adaptable man. Capable of seeking out and saving the one thing in the universe that meant everything to him.

"Asuka," Shinji smiled again. "I love you."

The other man on the beach, silently sitting and agreeing with his thoughts and words, continued the thought, "... and will always love you..."

Shinji turned, smiled, and nodded at the his older self. Slowly, more and more versions of Shinji Ikari emerged from the ruins of Tokyo-3 and joined the pair at the beach. Aged and broken in different ways, their experiences differed in all but one. They sat together and expressed their love towards the broken girl on the horizon.

"In every world," another spoke.

Then another finished, "I love you."

They outnumbered the sand on the beach and the stars in the skies. The infinite versions of Shinji Ikari sat on the crowded coastline, ready for the next step, no matter what it was.

The original Shinji, fourteen years-old and as damaged as the day he was reborn, stood and whispered at his beloved in the distance, "And I will be here, waiting for you. No matter what."


Song: "M11 re-arrange and re-mix (Everything You've Ever Dreamed)" by ARIANNE