Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 20: I'm Swimming In the Past
Asuka's pulse rushed as the car raced through the streets. A traditionally safe and conscious driver, Oz's uncommon haste only gave credence to his earlier words. Weaving in and out of traffic, the gentleman expertly handled her late father's car. But she was still unsure of the reason behind her elevated heart rate: his driving was concerning and erratic, yet...
A confusing dread filled her veins. Torn between elation and trepidation, the teen counted the days since they'd last spoken. And now, what would she say? Would her mother remember her? What of Kaworu? Would she have to be the one to break her father's passing? And his newest wife and child? And-
"Asuka-"
She looked up and was met with calm eyes in the rearview mirror. Unable to speak, she was thankful he did not wait for a vocal response.
"Just start with 'Hello'. The rest will come naturally."
A nod and an exhale were all she could meekly reply before turning to look back out the window. Under her breath, her whisper shakily echoed, "'Naturally'..."
A 72-hour hurricane of emotions had now been topped with quite possibly the grandest of confused feelings, and she was being forced to face them alone. Again. She wished Shinji or her father was here, but Oz was an acceptable third option.
The care center drew nearer and Asuka's breath drew shallower. Miraculously, exhausted legs carried her all the way up to her mother's room, though she had no idea how. She now stood at the precipice, barely able to see in due to the busy doctors and nurses milling about the room, obscuring her mother.
Unable to move, unable to speak, feel, or even think, a perfect marble statue of Asuka Langley Soryu was affixed just outside the doorway of a room on the third floor. Obtrusive and poorly placed, the stone replica of a scared little girl would've remained there for eternity had a busy nurse not accidentally pushed her inside as she brushed past.
Asuka stumbled awkwardly into the room, falling to a single knee before turning to her left and catching the most beautiful sight in the world: her mother's calm eyes and warm smile.
Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu was truly awake.
The former statue, now reduced to a quivering pile of rubble, allowed a single word to pass between her lips, "Mama...?"
"Hello Asuka."
Suddenly the broken girl regained her composure and leapt into the bed, into the arms of her mother. Papers and people were thrown about as she carelessly aimed for her mother's embrace. She was held tight, tighter than she'd ever been held before, and in that moment she forgot all about the rest of the world. There was no one else but her and her mama.
Except for everyone else in the room.
It was silent. Painfully silent.
Medical personnel stood around, unsure of what to make of the situation, however Kyoko took charge from her bed.
"Excuse me," she whispered politely in German, her voice a salve to Asuka's ears.
"Yes, ma'am?" a nearby doctor responded.
"I'd like a moment with my daughter."
Her daughter, Asuka cooed in her mind. What a wild thought not even two hours ago, yet here she was.
"I beg your pardon?" another doctor replied.
"I'll be here for quite some time, I imagine," her mother explained, her tone strengthening. "The least you could give me is a few moments with my daughter."
"Ma'am-" a female doctor protested. Another doctor insisted he stay as well.
"I wasn't asking," Kyoko's tone was firm. Asuka couldn't recall the last time she ever heard her mother speak like that, but was too enraptured in the hug to care.
Several murmurs and hushed whispers defeatedly fled the room, and Asuka looked up to catch a familiar form through teary eyes.
"Is everything okay?" the man peeked in.
"Shut the door please, Ozvaldo. Thank you."
After a confused look, he bowed out and gently shut the door behind him.
Confirming they were alone in the room, Kyoko slowly assisted her daughter into an upright position. Pairs of blue eyes connected briefly until she began to speak in Japanese.
"How I've missed you, mein Lieblingslied."
The German nickname brought forth a deluge of memories Asuka had forgotten she'd had: brief verses from a song they'd sing together, haphazardly stitched together from different times and places.
"Mama... is it really you?"
The woman nodded gently, a brilliant smile washing over her face. Asuka struggled to vocalize her thoughts, an unknown amount of anguish choking her: she'd rarely known life with a mother figure.
"It's okay, Asuka, I understand," Kyoko reassured her.
After a few moments of silence, Asuka sat up against her shoulder, taking in the sensation of simply being with someone she'd missed for so long. She could feel her mother's body tense up before she began to speak.
"Listen," her mother cleared her throat. "Asuka, I- I need to apologize."
She sharply looked at her mother, unsure of where things were headed. Her heart raced as her mind wondered why she would apologize, especially here and now. Fortunately, she wasn't left waiting for long.
"I left you alone at a terrible age. It- it was never supposed to happen that way."
Asuka shook her head, "It was an accident, Mama. Kaworu and I were so young…"
But Kyoko shook her head quickly, "No, mein Lieblingslied, I'm talking about before that. Before all of this," she gestured around her slowly.
Distant memories brushed her emotions, like the faintest of breezes on a warm day. She could barely remember anything of her mother from that long ago, but she vividly remembered the hurt and pain that followed.
The monotonous thrum of monitoring equipment coupled with the beep of her heart rate monitor brought back ugly memories of hospital rooms. Dolls and rope. Requests and abandonment. Emptiness and isolation.
Kyoko's voice pulled her from her memories and she focused on the present.
"It wasn't supposed to happen that way," she continued. "The- the contact experiment- it..."
Asuka didn't need an explanation for it and comforted her mother where words failed, "Mama, it's okay. I made it- I made it out okay."
She chuckled lightly, "Yes, you did. Or, at least part of you did."
"I don't understand," Asuka interrupted, but her mother shushed her with a gentle hand.
"I know you could never forgive me, Asuka, but you must forgive yourself."
The young girl melted every time she heard her name from her mother, but she fought to remain in the moment and listen to her words.
"A little girl was lost when that happened, and she's been lost ever since-"
"Mama-"
"You need to find her, Asuka."
A knock at the door interrupted them as a man peeked in. "Verzeihung, Frau Langley-"
But the woman shook her head and replied in German, "I just need a few more moments."
"Ma'am-"
"I will call for you when I'm finished. Thank you "
Unable to sway the patient, he nodded and gently closed the door. The mood had shifted, the tenseness lingered on the mother and daughter.
"We don't have long."
"What do you mean?" Asuka asked, surprised.
"Please lock the door. Quickly."
The girl froze.
"Asuka, please."
Warily, she left the bed and obeyed before sitting back down. But re-engaging her mother's eyes broke her barriers down again.
"Mama-"
Kyoko interrupted her, "It truly is a shame that in an infinite number of worlds and lives, we've never had a real relationship."
Asuka's mind began to spin, "What?"
"But, now that I have a chance, I need you to know just how proud I am of you," her words faltered for a moment until she continued on. "Of everything you've overcome, and everything you've been through. And who you are, in every way."
New tears welled in Asuka's eyes, enough tears for enough lifetimes of loneliness. Words she'd never known she needed to hear, never known she wanted to hear.
"You... you know?" was all she could ask.
Kyoko chuckled a brilliant, beautiful chuckle, "How could I not? I've been brought into every world you've ever created, but were too scared to give me a chance."
"Mama," she began to bawl, "why would I be afraid of you?"
"Because, deep down, part of you was afraid you would choose me over him."
Kyoko's last word caught Asuka's sobs in her throat. She sat up again and looked deep into her mother's eyes. They were the same eyes she'd forgotten she remembered. And despite the years since she'd last taken them in, they were still honest.
"Mama," she cleared her throat. "I've missed you so much. But, it's been hard." She cleared her throat again, "Really hard."
"I know, mein Lieblingslied. But you must remember: I've always been with you."
Her words were tragic. Asuka recalled the realization that came too late and meant too little at the end. Lifetimes ago, and somehow also very recent, that defeat was a reminder of her weakness… and her failure. But Kyoko knew it, too. They shared in that triumph, in that glorious moment, and she wouldn't allow her daughter to take that as her legacy.
Reaching forward, Kyoko lifted Asuka's chin and forced eye contact, "Do not let them beat you. Never again."
Sapphire eyes widened in post-traumatic fear, but her mother's words calmed her.
"The deck was stacked against you, there was no winning," she explained before wearing a sly grin. "Though, I would've loved to see the old men's faces as you fought like he-"
A sharp rap at the door wiped the expression from both of them.
"Frau Langley?"
"I hate that they call me that," Kyoko huffed before replying in German. "Just a moment!"
"Ma'am, we need to continue our tests."
Kyoko looked at Asuka and whispered, "We're running out of time."
"What?"
"Mrs. Langley?" the handle jiggled. "Why is the door locked?"
"Mama, why did I lock the door?"
"Asuka, I need you to listen to me," she continued to ignore those outside the room. "It is no longer safe here, you can no longer trust anyone."
"Huh?"
"Not even Ozvaldo."
The name shook her to her core. Oz was her and her father's most trusted confidant, a man she'd known for as long as she could remember.
"What, why?"
There was more pounding on the door, "This isn't funny, Mrs. Langley."
"Listen, I know this is confusing," Kyoko barreled over Asuka's doubts, "but she is coming for you, and she will use whoever she needs to to prevent him from getting to you."
"I don't under-"
Kyoko quickly stood and led her daughter towards the window, "Trust no one. Get somewhere safe and hide. Shinji will find you."
"KYOKO, OPEN THE DOOR!" Oz's voice could be heard through the pounding and rattling. "ASSY! LET US IN!"
The pet name from a long-time friend caught her off guard and Asuka turned back towards the doorway.
"Do not listen to him," Kyoko's voice was panicked. "Please. Trust me. Trust yourself. Trust Shinji."
"But Mama," she tried to plead.
"Find her and make this right."
"Mama, who?" her voice was wet with sadness and fear.
Kyoko smiled and wiped her daughter's cheek, "That you can cry yourself means you're closer to her than anyone else."
"Mrs. Langley!"
"Kyoko, open the door!"
Asuka fought to ignore the other voices. "What?"
"There is still hope for you, and hope for him. But neither of you will ever be happy until you learn to love yourselves."
"Mama, stop-"
"ASSY, OPEN THE DOOR!"
"I have been with you every step of the way, whether you knew it or not-"
"OPEN THE DOOR, MRS. LANGLEY!"
She glanced back, "-but my time came to an end years ago. All of this," she gestured around again, "is a facade: an illusion, conjured by a frightened little girl whom I love more than anything."
"ASUKA!"
"Mama-"
"KYOKO, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"
"But you are stronger than you think, and she is, too, but she doesn't know it. Find her, tell her you deserve to be happy. And you cannot be happy in your lies."
Asuka struggled to speak through deep sobs, "Mama..."
Her mother returned to her native Japanese tongue: "I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Find her and set yourself free from this prison you've created."
"Ma-"
"You deserve it, mein Lieblingslied."
Kyoko pushed the window open, ripping the sheets from her bed, and smiled at her daughter. "Now go."
Without thinking, Asuka wrapped a portion of the fabric in her hand as she backed out of the window. But she paused and took in one last view of her mother, her radiant blonde hair flowing in the breeze, beautiful blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight. Her smile was enough to remind her that everything she said would be true.
"You both deserve to be happy with each other, Asuka," she mused one last time. "But first you both have to make things right. A happy lie is still a lie..."
Asuka nodded and responded the only way she knew how: "I loved you, Mama."
"I loved you, too, Asuka."
And she slipped out the window.
Asuka watched as Shinji fell, his eyes never leaving hers. The guilt weighed upon her soul. She had pushed him. She needed to push him. It was necessary. It had to happen. It...
She collapsed to the ground as the portal closed, her strength failing as she made the hardest decision in her life. For what seemed like the hundredth time, someone reached out to her and she pushed them away. Except this time it wasn't reactionary, based on her fears or anxieties: this time she consciously made the decision to bring an end to the hurt and pain inflicted on Shinji and herself.
'But neither of you will ever be happy until you learn to love yourselves.'
Her mother's words echoed in her mind, an unspoken truth she'd avoided for so long. With a weak yet determined smile, damp eyes turned upwards and she thanked the heavens for the one last chance to speak to her.
Wiping her tears away, Asuka's attention turned towards the bodies on the infinite beach. She didn't have an inkling of a plan: Shinji himself said there was nothing in those bodies, no one to wake up. But she was determined to try. She owed as much to her mother, to Shinji, and to herself.
Unsure feet supported shaking legs. Every step forward seemed to grow farther and farther, but there was no turning back. She had pushed Shinji away to do this.
It's time to make things right, Asuka thought.
Her sights set back toward the infinite beach, at a thousand red heads of hair, Asuka's pace quickened. She had no plan, no idea of what to do or say to her other selves, but try she must.
Feigning confidence, she crooked her hand against her hip and stood before the bodies. Internally, she was a quivering mess, but Asuka stood proud for herself, for her mother, for... for Shinji.
"Hey!" she shouted at the lifeless husks.
'Hey'? she chided herself. You're trying to rouse the dead, do you really think that's going to work?
"I know you can hear me!"
Asuka did not in fact know that. She didn't know anything about this place, short of what Shinji had just informed her. And according to him, there was no interacting with them.
Repeated bodies. Repeated beach. Repeated waves. The environment began anew every few steps between shoulders, leaving a bizarre recurrence of diagonal waves and sand patterns. It was almost too much to take in, but she was determined.
"I just-" in the silence, her emotions began to burst forth. Her lack of plan, lack of knowledge began to overwhelm her, and the confidence waned as she started over. "I'm looking for something, someone, actually: a little girl."
It sounded absurd as Asuka scanned the beach. Bodies lie at her feet, untouched by both the water and her words, but none were any younger than she. There were no indicators whatsoever of any "little girl" in this place.
Time passed and waves crashed while one solitary individual walked perpendicular to the shoreline, inspecting every body she passed. The variations between them frightened her, some bearing scars and missing limbs: these alternate possibilities for her already tortured past seemed almost unfair.
"Please," she begged. "Please someone respond."
The stories these Asukas could tell would surely bring her to her knees. She was already familiar with the key players: loneliness, abandonment, depression. But there was hope and love if they would recognize it. If it weren't too late.
Continuing her journeys on the beach, Asuka imagined proselytizing her infinite selves from the temple of solitude. A religion she'd known since the beginning, one she later even tried to pin on Shinji. But her self hatred had begun long before she'd even met the shy boy from Japan. His selfish act in that hospital room only amplified her sense of worthlessness. While vile and disgusting, deep down she at least acknowledged that he saw her as she saw herself.
Was that the little girl her mother told her to find? The one whose innocence was ruined in that hospital, despite years of trying?
But there were no girls. No one innocent on this beach, not named "Asuka". Even in her most recent reality she'd thrown herself at Oz once in a time of isolation, but thankfully the man rejected her. Only Shinji had ever validated her the way she wanted.
If the stars could laugh at her, she was certain they would. The world she just left, one with a caring, albeit flawed, father, a recently resurrected mother, a world with friends and enemies, trials and tribulations, was no more. And she had pushed Shinji out into reality, alone.
Asuka was nowhere, trapped in a waypoint between a lie she loved and the truth she wasn't ready for. Alone.
Completely alone.
Except for thousands of bodies. Variations of her. All completely sullen, empty and unhappy. Reminders of the life she had chosen all those years ago, long before she even knew the name "Shinji."
All around her were bodies, all with dreams and goals. And she ignored them. Had no use for them.
It was her. Her alone. No mother, no father. Nothing but her ability as a pilot to distinguish her.
And now, a decade from the start, she was alone again. And she still hated herself.
It wasn't until she heard a voice that she realized she had climbed on top of one of the bodies and was strangling it, so much like Shinji had done to her years before.
The voice surprised Asuka enough that she quickly sat upright, falling backwards in fear and confusion. Hurt and pain overwhelmed her again, and she began to cry enough that she forgot what was said until the voice repeated itself.
"Don't waste your time," the voice spoke from Asuka's right. "I said 'you can't hurt her'."
Asuka wiped her tears and crawled off of the body towards the voice. Confronted with an identical twin of hers, she gasped at the girl.
Standing upright, confidently peering down on her, the other Asuka sported a pleated, black skirt with the NERV emblem on the thigh. Black suspenders covered a white blouse with an oddly pinned bright red tie. This Asuka was older and more developed than she, noticeably sporting a strange red gauntlet where her left forearm and hand should be.
"Who- who are you?" Asuka asked stupidly.
"I'm you," the other Asuka replied in Japanese. "We all are, Genius."
"Asuka?"
The older girl sighed, "Just call me 'Shikinami': I think it'll help."
"'Shikinami'?" Asuka repeated.
"That's me. And about another dozen of us, I imagine," she waved up the beach.
"How?"
"What do you mean?"
She took a moment to collect her thoughts, but only offered a flabbergasted, "You're me, but... different."
"In an infinite amount of possibilities, there's bound to be some variation between us."
She shook her head slowly as if she understood, but being confronted with another version of herself was far more confusing than she ever imagined. Asuka thought she had mentally prepared herself for this when pacing alongside the countless others, but actually interacting with one was a struggle to process.
They silently stared at each other as slices of the ocean washed upon slices of the shoreline.
Unable to control her confusion and curiosity, her eyes wandered down to the guest's left arm repeatedly, enough times to garner a reaction.
The twin turned away slightly, shading it with her body while covering it with her right, "Don't ask."
Asuka looked away sheepishly, unable to respond. She knew enough about catastrophic arm injuries to also understand the pain associated with it, be it real or phantom. Shivering as the haunting memories passed over her, she looked away in understanding.
Shikinami shook her head, breaking the silence, "I hope you know what's going on..."
"I think I do," Asuka admitted. "And I'm here to try and fix it."
"'Fix it'? How do you expect to do that?"
She took a moment to think, "I'm trying to find out what caused this."
"You did," Shikinami retorted before sighing. "Technically, we all caused this. You are we, we are you."
Asuka shook her head. It wasn't what she meant, nor was it helpful. "Isn't there someone in charge of this?"
A new voice replied: "What makes you think we want to end this?"
Soryu and Shikinami turned to see another woman approaching the two: taller and older than both of them, she wore a strange leather version of the plugsuit with a flag patch on the left shoulder: American. While unfamiliar in so many ways, the bright red hair and piercing blue eyes confirmed she was yet another iteration of herself.
"This is new," the older woman said. Her voice was deeper, more mature, and she spoke clear English.
"Are you me?" Asuka asked.
Shikinami shook her head again, pinching the bridge of her nose. "We all are."
"Technically my name is Kate, but yes, I am still you," the older woman explained.
"'Kate'?"
"Kate Rose, from San Francisco, California."
"'San Francisco'? Wait-" Asuka realized. "My father's from San Francisco."
"Our father is, yes," Kate explained. "In my world he brought my mother back to the US and I was trained to be a pilot at the MIT Facility."
Asuka looked confused.
"Nerv's First Branch was in Massachusetts," explained Shikinami, "so probably the same thing."
"'Nerv's First Bra-'"
"Listen, I get that this is confusing," the older woman interrupted her continued echoes, "meeting other... mes is definitely a first. But, if you're just going to be a parrot, this is going to get old, fast."
Asuka sat in silence while the other two eyed her up and down. It truly was a confusing situation, one she barely believed could be real twenty-four hours ago. But it was her reality, her mission.
"Yeah, why-" Shikinami turned towards her. "Why did you wake us up?"
Asuka's lack of plan was catching up to her, but she had a good excuse: never did she think that she'd discover alternate versions of herself, nor that she could wake and converse with them.
Shinji mentioned he'd never interacted with the bodies on the beach before. She could barely imagine his surprise when she tells him about...
A pall fell over her, remembering her forced separation not a few moments prior. Her heart raced as anxiety replaced blood in her veins: she was alone again. Even with the facade of company, they were simply copies of her: attitude and all.
"I," Asuka's tone had shifted considerably. "I- no, we need to make things right. That's why I came here."
"Make them right, how?" asked Kate.
"With ourselves. And with Shinji."
The name startled both of the strangers and generated an odd shiver from the world itself. Their recoil confirmed the name's power in her psyche.
"I don't know who you're talking about," Shikinami claimed smugly, folding her arms over her chest as she turned away.
Asuka glared in disbelief.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the trio as their glances shifted around. Clearly the others knew who Shinji was, or whatever their version of Shinji was. Regardless, their standoffishness was annoyingly familiar.
"I don't know what he's called where you're from, but I know you're lying about how important he is to you. I know," she sighed, "I do..."
Shikinami shifted in the sand while Kate stared across the broken sea. Asuka touched a nerve with the others, a nerve she knew was exposed. Taking no delight in digging in, she fought to get them on her side.
It's not like there's anyone else here to talk to, she thought.
"Something happened to me a long time ago, and I think I caused this. All of this," she gestured around, "exists because of me. After... after Instrumentality- after I saw the heart of the world, I- I ran. Ran away."
"Like he did."
Both Asukas looked at Kate, Shikinami with resentment in her eyes, Soryu with relief.
"Yes!" Asuka cried out before toning back her response. "Yes. We're not so different."
It was Shikinami that completed the thought this time, "It's why we pushed away... because we knew the vulnerability that comes with someone like us..."
Tears of joy, of understanding, of compassion fell down Asuka's face. To hear these words aloud, from her different selves, of all people, was a cathartic experience.
"Asuka," Kate spoke in disbelief. "You're crying."
She simply nodded in agreement.
"How?" Shikinami asked.
"How could I not? How could you not?"
"I don't need to cry," the other redhead folded her arms in stoic defiance, but Asuka knew better. If there was anything she knew, it was how her emotions, or lack thereof, had caused all this.
"We've all been suffering for so long," Asuka explained. "How can you keep holding it in? It's... it's overwhelming."
"Because we're all we have," Shikinami explained. "I don't- we don't need anyone. We never have."
"That's not true!" Soryu had to fight back greater tears. "It can't be true. It's a lie we've told ourselves since... since we were small..."
Both Asukas were at an impasse while Kate continued to stare off into the distance. Someone had to break. Something had to change. Otherwise, Shinji would end up doing this over and over again until...
Until he dies.
Words were being wasted, time was being wasted. An eternity of stubbornness, of loneliness, of lies. Asuka couldn't take it any more: "We're making ourselves miserable, and dragging him along in it, punishing the one good thing we have. It hurts to wonder how much we've lost in this: how much time, how much love, how much happiness we could've had."
Neither would respond, infuriating her. Her tears grew heavier, weighed with the burden of trying to save herself. Of any victim she could possibly imagine being too stubborn to save, it was her.
"Please, I know you understand!"
Silence.
"You'd have to... we're the same..."
More silence.
"Even- even if you think you're happy-"
"We don't," Kate interrupted, causing the other girls to stare in disbelief.
"Kate," Shikinami attempted to silence the woman with her eyes.
"Kate?" Asuka asked, ignoring her counterpart. "Please..."
"Don't."
The most senior version of them sighed and turned back towards the two. "Enough's enough, Shikinami."
"What are you doing?"
"It's time to be real: we're fucking miserable. All of us. He's come through enough times and tried to save us, one by one, but... we just wait: pathetically waiting for happiness to just come to us."
Asuka couldn't fight the woman's words. Recalling the amount of times she waited for someone else to make a move, to save her, to show her love first. Asuka spent her entire life feigning strength while secretly hoping someone would sweep her off of her feet, yet no one ever did. Not until an idiotic teenager threw himself into a volcano for her. And she spent the next few months torturing and pestering that boy, hoping to prod him into action just one more time.
"No," Kate spoke aloud. "We can't keep doing this."
"It's not up to us," Shikinami spoke softly.
"Then who is it up to?" Asuka asked.
The three women stood in silence and slowly looked upward. Far above the beach floated a tiny body curled into the fetal position. Bright red hair licked at the sky like a flame dancing in the night, her pale complexion reflecting light back on the beach like a moon as she slowly rotated. Innocent and guarded, even looking upon her brought shame to Asuka, as if she were bothering an indecent child. This was, somehow, the essence of her soul.
"How do you know that?"
"I can feel it. You can, too: that is us."
Asuka watched in awe at the child, knowing now who the little girl she was tasked to find was. While thankful to have one mystery solved, another one sprouted as she wondered how to get up to her.
She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Hey!" to no effect.
After pacing back and forth impatiently, Asuka picked up a small stone and threw it, but it landed in the water, nowhere close to the little girl. She realized the absurdity of her action after Kate grabbed her arm before she could throw a second.
"There has to be a better way than that."
Shikinami snorted, "Anything would be better than that."
Asuka sighed and dropped the stone, instead gently gazing at the tiny speck of a person in the distance. She couldn't know how far it was between them, nor if her words could be heard in whatever layer of the atmosphere she floated in, but she hoped that her heart would be.
"Asuka," she began softly. "I- I don't know if you can hear me. I don't even know if you are up there. None of this makes sense. But, what I do know is you're sad. And alone. But you don't have to be."
Tears welled in the corner of her eyes as she spoke, saying words she wished she'd heard so many times in the past. But the past was behind her, behind all of the women on the beach. Even if their realities hadn't been realized yet, Asuka knew what heartache was to come, and she desperately wanted to bring it to an end.
"You have to give happiness a chance," she continued, her voice breaking more and more. "Please, mein Lieblingslied."
She was interrupted as the ground began to shake beneath them. Confused, Asuka looked over her shoulder, past Kate and Shikinami: sand had begun to pour off over an invisible edge in the distance, an infinitely starry sky remaining behind. The cliff was rapidly growing closer, dumping the contents of the world at an alarming rate. Clearly the childhood nickname had made its effect.
Looking back up at the child in the distance, she was surprised to see an empty sky. Asuka cried out to the little girl, certain she needed to speak to her again, but the beach had quickly lost its density and her legs sank deeper, as if the firmament were swallowing her whole.
The panicked woman clawed at the sand, calling for help from any of the souls in the distance. Her body sank deeper in and she could feel the nothingness below pulling her in, refusing to relinquish its hold. Tired and buried to the waist in sand, Asuka looked back as the failing horizon closed in.
Slowly she fell. Trapped in regret and sorrow. Alone. Again.
As she fell, the sand around her vanished, as if she were the sole prize, sifted from the remains of wherever she was. The world above slowly faded away, leaving behind nothing but a brilliant sky, dotted with an infinite amount of her regrets, streaked with the stain of her failure…
Where am I?
Asuka fell through emotions. Disbelief. Confusion. Shock. Fear. Anger. Rage.
A faint light appeared as she tumbled, appearing to spin around her. Eventually she recognized the object as a floor of some sort, though she could not slow her descent or rotation. Bracing for impact, she wondered what would happen if she died here. Would Shinji ever find her?
The ground grew larger as she approached, now a wooden floor floating in a void. Asuka felt as if there were no hope for survival, this solitary fate was her punishment for failure. A rectangular prison cell was to be her final resting place, adorned with a kitchen table and chairs and...
Wait a minute.
Despite the turbulence, Asuka recognized the apartment in the final moments before impact. How cruel fate could be, putting her back in a dirty kitchen with fresh coffee stains on the floor. How cruel indeed.
With her final breath, she considered her failure: "I'm sorry, Shinji..."
Eyes held shut, the ground never came. There was no impact, no crashing. She was standing in a puddle in Misato Katsuragi's apartment, long before all of this.
"I'm... home?" she asked aloud.
Looking down at the warm brown liquid, she had but a moment to consider where and when she was before the sound of the door sliding shut broke her concentration. Every fiber in her body urged her to leave the room. She was closer to her goal than ever before.
The former apartment improbably exited directly onto the street, ignoring the hallway and stories that should be there. However, those details were missed as Asuka was confronted with something far more shocking: thousands of her variants, the former occupants of the prior beach, now flooded the street.
Shoulder to shoulder, mindlessly moving about, devoid of hope or happiness. These Asukas, and apparently some Kates, filled the recognizable Tokyo-3 street from building to building. The bodies from the infinite beach were moving, but not alive.
Desperately searching for a clue, Asuka spotted exactly what she was looking for amongst the endless sea of red hair and blue eyes:
A young girl, no older than four, made her way through the crowd, opposite the current flow of bodies. While the bright red hair was easy to get lost within the others, this head of hair sported a very distinct set of black bows that told Asuka exactly who she was seeing. She wore a unmistakable black crushed velvet dress: a funeral dress. Her very presence parted the tide of women temporarily, but she was moving fast.
"Asuka!" she shouted, but the little girl continued through the middle of the street.
Determined to confront her, Asuka braced to push through her other selves. With her first step out the door, a heavy piano riff filled the air. Desperate and powerful, Asuka used the energy of the music as she battled through the crowd...
I'm in a war
I fight my history
It's hard to ignore
The thing that used to be
Asuka was hammered with shoulders and arms as she tried to give chase. The inhabitants of this world did not want this to happen...
You look at me now
But I wonder if you see
That I'm swimming in the past
And you're wading patiently
"Stop! Please!" Hands grasped at her, tugging and pulling at her clothes and body as she pressed forward...
You heard it all before
It isn't you, it's me
When I'm losing the battle
You're just another casualty
"You have to let me go!" she begged...
Casualty
Her eyes never left the little girl. She knew what she had to do, no matter who tried to stop her. But they certainly tried...
I'm feeding a flame
Of insecurity
And all I have to give (all I have to give)
Is my apology
For a brief moment, Asuka swore she felt Shinji's presence, as if she had passed right through him, but she pressed on, determined...
And you heard it all before
It isn't you, it's me
When I'm losing the battle
You're just another casualty
(You heard it all before)
As the music climaxed, she found herself on a beach, identical to the one she found herself on after Third Impact...
Casualty
(You heard it all before)
Complete with a massive head in the distance...
You heard it all before
(You heard it all before)
And the little girl was walking across the sea towards it...
Casualty
(You heard it all before)
She took a deep breath and followed...
You heard it all before
It isn't you, it's me
When I'm losing the battle
Yeah, I'm losing the battle
Oh, I'm losing the battle
You're just another casualty
Casualty
Across the sea, to the giant head of Asuka...
Song: "Casualty" by Lawrence
