Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 22: A Sigh Escapes From Heaven And Worlds End
Physically weightless, yet emotionally heavy. The serenity of the moment was lost upon the flurry of thoughts racing through her mind. Asuka had always loved the ocean, and the freedom it represented: a moment away from the hustle and bustle of life, the solace of the gentle sea beneath her.
Deep, relaxing breaths flowed through the girl. Her eyes were shut, skin enveloped by the ocean, ears blocked by water. She could smell and taste the seabreeze: a slightly salted air-
A loud splash occurred not far from her head causing her to jerk into the water, ruining the moment of bliss. Head reflexively submerged, Asuka bolted upright out of the water, eyes stinging from the salt, coughing up her relaxation. Soaked hair weighed her head down, matted across her back. The air was crisp, the sun blazing overhead.
Deep blue eyes scanned the shoreline for a hint of guilt when her first guess shouted, "Throw it back!"
Nonplussed by the offender, she ignored the slight and laid back down, resuming her floating position in the sea. Again relaxing every muscle in her body, she allowed the gentle motion to carry her wherever it chose.
Summer's almost over, she lamented to herself. Back to school...
A whirlwind of emotions carried across her heart as she recalled every landmark moment to occur since June: first boyfriend, first date, first kiss, first breakup. So many rites of passage all crammed in a two-month period between middle- and high-school.
How did I get here?
Originally rhetorical, the question lingered for a moment longer than expected before settling elsewhere in her mind. Retaking the present, she considered the family awaiting her at home.
I probably have a dozen missed calls, she thought. I'll never hear the end of it from her. And Father...
She paused for a moment.
The daughter of a high-ranking military officer recently stationed at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, Asuka was afforded many benefits and luxuries not often extended to her classmates. The tradeoff was an overly involved stay-at-home mom and a near-completely absent dad.
Like he's around enough to have an opinion.
Stifled laughter rippled through the water as her chest gently bounced, amused at her own thoughts. Unfortunately, the stormy shadow of her parents had brought the moment of zen to a close. Again upright in the water, this time by choice, Asuka turned back towards the shore only to be met with a pair of cobalt eyes.
"Asuka! Come join us," the voice called from the beach, interrupting her reflection.
The eyes and voice belonged to her newest classmate Shinji: a recent transfer student. His father, too, held a high-ranking position with the military, so he was thrust into the "officer's kids" friend group with little room for protest.
Shinji was standing with the others on the beach, including the dumb jock who threw the ball in her direction. When she arrived at the group, Asuka made an exaggerated face at him in retaliation for earlier, but he ignored it and nodded at something behind him.
"Hey Red," Toji whispered before jabbing his thumb over his shoulder, "This guy says been looking for you."
Again ignoring his barbs, she glanced in his direction before leaning close, "Do you know him?"
"Nope, never seen him before in my life."
Scanning the stranger from head to toe, she whispered even quieter, "He's too young to be with the Navy. And he's not exactly dressed for the beach."
Toji nodded before asking, "Do you want me and Shinji to tell him to get lost?"
"Huh?" Shinji reacted surprised, clearly not a part of the conversation before this moment.
"No, I got it."
Confused but not worried, Asuka moved past the boys towards the stranger. Confidently placing both hands on her hips, she was surprised by his opening statement.
"So this is where you've been hiding."
Certain he was sent by her mother, she nonchalantly flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Not 'hiding', relaxing. It's the last weekend of summer. Tell-"
"Asuka," he interrupted her, piercing red eyes shutting her down, "this world is unstable. I would advise you leave as quickly as you can."
"-mother to... wait," she looked deeply into his piercing red eyes trying to understand what he just said, "what did you say?"
"I am here to help you," he shook his head, "but she knows-"
The hair on the back of her neck stood straight up as a deep shiver surged through her. Asuka's attention was ripped from the moment as the stranger vanished in an instant.
Her mind raced, thoughts and expletives in multiple languages unsure of what to make of what happened. Without fanfare the world raced to normalcy, frozen only for the moment. A deafening rush of noise filled Asuka's ears, following the terrifying silence. Unable to respond to anyone, she remained motionless on the beach.
"Where- how-" Asuka struggled to find her bearings. "Who-"
"You okay Red?"
Desperate for answers, she turned towards her classmate and asked about the strange red-eyed boy that had just vanished. None could recall him, all certain she had seen a ghost.
But Asuka knew. Deep down she knew the boy. And she knew something was concerningly wrong.
"Wait-" she interrupted a lively conversation about ghosts. "How did I get here?"
Her classmates turned towards her, bewildered. But she ignored whatever answers they proffered.
"Wasn't... wasn't I looking for something...? Or someone?"
"You've been here all day, who would you be-"
"Shut up." Asuka pressed her palm to her right eye, soothing the headache building beneath it. She could barely grasp the situation, but her fingers were brushing on the truth. It was right there. "I- I need a second to think."
The world afforded her that moment and all sound was washed away. Eyes tightly shut, the confused teen buried her head in her hands, frightened and confused. She couldn't place herself prior to the morning, couldn't remember why she was in the ocean.
And that boy... he-
Eyes opened wide, Asuka stood up and shouted, "KAWORU!"
But no one was there.
The beach was empty. The ocean still. With a terrified whimper, the world swallowed Asuka.
"Assy?"
"... ruins everything!"
"What?"
"Every time! I just wanted to show you the beach!"
"I need a second-"
"Oh, I know: let's go here!"
"Wait!"
"Ready?"
"Wha- no! I just want-"
Heavy footsteps hurried across a stone floor while suits of armor rattled about, echoing in the halls. Triumphant brass sounded in the courtyard, heralding the arrival of the Royal Family.
"Enough," the king waved the musicians away as he moved past them. "My mind aches as if it was beaten by hammers."
Concern for the king erupted in a flurry of motion as stewards and servants raced to fetch the apothecaries, worsening David's headache.
With an exaggerated sigh, he turned towards the family's quarters, but was stopped by yet another of the staff.
"King David: we have visiting dignitaries from-"
Queen and Princess watched as he silenced the messenger with a powerful finger, held upright as he sighed heavily.
"We have traveled for a fortnight. Whoever it is, they can wait."
As the men argued in hushed tones, the fair maiden looked beyond them towards the guests. Cloaked in black with heavy hoods, she could not discern who they were or where they hailed from. However, as she took them in, a peculiar individual caught her eye.
Leaning out from the center of the formation, a woman in a white cloak peered directly at Asuka. Red eyes pierced the veil of this world and spoke directly to her mind. She knew those eyes. And they did not belong here.
Nor did she.
No one belonged.
Stepping towards the familiar stranger, the guards were immediately alerted by her actions. However, they did not move to protect the Princess, and instead moved swiftly towards the white cloaked woman.
With one last moment of eye contact, pale blue lips spoke but one word before the white cloak collapsed to the floor, its bearer having vanished: "Run."
Terrified, Asuka turned on her feet and sprinted through the courtyard towards the castle gates.
She needed to get away.
To escape.
Because...
A stranger told her to?
No.
Because...
Something deep inside urged her to keep going.
What am I supposed to be doing?
Her heart pounded. Her feet ached. Her mind raced.
Through the gate she ran, tripping into the void...
"... them to stop it!"
"What?"
"They... they keep-"
"Assy, please-"
"Just one more."
"I think I'm going to be sick..."
"I know the perfect place!"
"No, Assy-"
"Let go of me!"
"Assy, please don't-"
"You're hurting my arm!"
"Hold on-"
"You're going to mess it up!"
"ASSY, THAT'S E-"
Stillness. Emptiness. Solitude.
Asuka floated in a void, her eyes struggling to adjust to the new location. Blurry shapes and colors filled her vision, but it took longer than she would've guessed to clear away the confusion.
Despite the massive colorway to her right, there was nothing else near her: the rest of her vision was hauntingly black, a darkness like no other. And there was no one else. Even on the slowly forming wall of brown tones in her periphery, she could sense its cold, lifeless field.
Asuka continued to rub her eyes, bewildered by the amount of time it took her to adjust to what she was seeing. But once the recognition began, she wondered if it were in fact a mistake.
In the infinite blackness nearly all around her, small white dots would fade in, her pupils finally dilating enough to see the stars in the immense field of space. Thousands of stars peppered the night sky at random intervals, all an impossible distance away. She began to panic at the thought of being left alone, floating in deep space.
In her panic, Asuka turned towards the right and took in the massive gas giant beside her. Consuming her entire field of view, the immense sight heightened her fear.
She now knew where she was, and she was alone. And, for the first time, she remembered what she was supposed to be doing.
"Assy?" she called out, her words echoing in a way that didn't make sense. But she was also floating in space without any equipment, so a mere echo was low on her list of worries.
The planet loomed closer and closer, making her feel smaller and increasingly insignificant in comparison. Words escaped her as a close-up view of the king of the solar system slowly drifted by.
"Assy, are you there?"
As her anxiety began to spike, Asuka took a deep centering breath and exhaled slowly.
Get it together, Second, she coached herself. You're floating in space without a suit and haven't died: obviously this is within her control.
Still.
Empty.
Solitary.
This was to be Asuka's fate. A life hand-designed by her own psyche. Isolated and safe from the pain of others.
A bit literal, she thought to herself sarcastically, attempting to regain control of her emotions. But it was this stillness, this emptiness, this solitude that pained her even more than ever before. Resolute, she willed herself to right the wrong.
Asuka spun in place and listened for anything, any hint that there was another. A traditionally tall order in open space, it was still her only possible hope.
Grace and hope were mostly foreign concepts to the girl, often her greatest critic, yet somehow even more critical of others. But they became more familiar as of late; someone she greatly admired had both in droves. And her hope paid off as the faintest of whimpers could be heard.
Relieved, she kicked in a swimming motion in that direction, heading towards a small moon. Mesmerized by the sight of it all, the spell placed upon Asuka broke as she caught sight of the small girl clutching her knees to her chest, crying in the distance.
She drifted herself in Assy's direction and addressed her as gently as possible. "Assy...?"
The sniffles continued from the ball of sadness.
"Are you okay?"
"Go away!" The tiny voice was strong, but unsure.
Momentum silently carried the older girl ever closer, and she somehow willed herself to slow as she approached. Her feet gently touched on the shared surface with a light puff of dust: yet another strange detail in this dream space.
"'Go away'?" Asuka asked, smiling at the stubborn child.
"Just go away!"
"I'm not going anywhere." Asuka ignored the request and crouched next to her. The girl made a big show of turning away from her older self, huffing as she settled into her new position.
The pair floated silently in the shadow of a giant, both gazing at opposite hemispheres of the galaxy. Asuka hated having her back turned to her younger self, but knew a gentler hand was necessary. Taking a deep breath, she simply trusted herself and began to speak.
"You know, I have always loved space. I remember dreaming about having a mission in space," she paused and glanced over her shoulder.
With an exaggerated sigh, Assy made a point of not responding.
Smirking, Asuka continued, "I mean, I was a pilot, right? In a state-of-the-art Evangelion. Fighting monsters from another world. Why wouldn't I end up in space?"
"Space is dumb."
The short interruption stopped her thoughts in her tracks. Sensing an opening, she shifted tactics, "Where do you like to go?"
"I can go anywhere I want," Assy was short in her response. "And I don't want to be in stupid space."
"Assy-"
With another huff, the girl scooted forward, increasing the distance between them.
Again, Asuka glanced over her shoulder at the bratty lump behind her and smiled, ignoring the tantrum, "Slowly, my love for space grew. It became more than a wish: it became an escape. I would dream about being on a rocket, and the rocket would malfunction, and instead of going where I needed to, I would just... drift away... forever... away from home..."
The words began to catch in her throat, choking her with honesty. Asuka had spent so much of her life deflecting and avoiding true connection, she struggled to even get through to her own self. Yet, for the second time in her life, she found someone that could truly understand her: her pain, her loneliness, her sadness.
She took another deep breath and forced more truth from her lungs, "If I was out in space, then maybe I could be happy. No more disappointing people. No more making people mad. No more being let down by people. It would just be me, and, and maybe I'd find a new mama and papa that loved me, far, far away in space."
This was the most vulnerable she'd ever been with anyone, a desperate attempt to connect with herself in a confusing world. But she was desperate: to end the running, the hiding, to finally accept herself and her reality, as ugly as it might be.
At least she was no longer alone…
"'A new mama... and papa'...?" The tiny voice echoed behind her. Asuka slowly turned to engage the girl, shocked to find how much closer she had already moved.
"I hoped... so..."
Even remembering hoping for a new mother came with pangs of guilt. Asuka's mother had always been her best friend, her greatest ally, her strongest confidant. Even when mentally fractured, Asuka wanted to tell her mother about her selection as Eva pilot first. There was an innocent belief that maybe this would fix her; Asuka never considered piloting could save humanity, at four-years old she wanted to pilot to save one person.
And she failed.
While the failed contact experiment with Unit 02 was a soul-rending experience for many, it was the death of Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu that truly broke her daughter. Her one ally had only weeks to live after the funeral, further devastating the young girl.
Without her mother, Asuka could no longer find the strength to cry. She had grown too weak to bear the weight of life's harshest emotion and hid the sadness away. Away for years, decades, centuries.
In the isolation, this manifested itself as a small child, desperate for the happy ending she was robbed of. And now Asuka had to bring her out of this world.
"I miss Mama," slipped out in the silence.
"Me, too," Asuka replied, recalling her recent conversation with the visage of the woman. "She loved you, you know..."
But this only incensed the younger girl, "Don't lie to me."
"Assy-"
"If she loved me, she wouldn't have left me."
"She didn't choose to leave."
"Yes she did!"
"You don't know what happened! You weren't there!" she shouted, her words echoing in space.
"Yes I do, Assy," Asuka reached out. "I'm the only one that actually was."
It was now that the small version of her psyche hit at the heart of the matter: "No you weren't! You left me! You abandoned me! Like everyone else!"
"Assy-"
"Like Mama! Like Papa! Like everyone!"
The two redheads stared at each other, drifting in the Jovian shadow. So close, yet still somehow worlds apart.
Assy's anger continued: "You don't know what it's like being shut off from the world! And do you know who saved me?"
Asuka waited for the answer that never came. For what felt like the hundredth time, the small child crossed her arms and sat down, shutting herself off.
"I'm sorry, Assy," Asuka spoke first, surrendering to her younger self.
Assy turned away, tiny shoulders rising up and huffing downwards. Time and space drifted between them, resetting the chasm Asuka had worked so hard to bridge across. Unpleasant memories bubbled up within, threatening to choke the conversation from her. She had spent over a decade running and hiding: it was time to stop.
Watching and waiting in the infinite silence, a familiar shape came into the distance, spurring the next part of the conversation.
"I think I've always related to Saturn. It's so big and beautiful, you can't ignore it, but- but it always comes in second," Asuka sighed. Her words grew quieter. "Saturn has the most moons and that giant ring. Who wouldn't look up to it? Want to be it? And yet, it's still overshadowed by Jupiter."
Pausing for a moment for a response, she continued, "I remember wanting to be a pilot so badly. I remember thinking, hoping, praying that that would get Papa to notice me, or... or make Mama... love me again...
"Then, when it didn't happen, I thought being the best was what I had to do. That, maybe, that was why Papa left... why Mama..." Asuka gulped, "If I had been better sooner, Mama wouldn't have..."
The small child next to her shifted multiple times as Asuka continued to talk. She had no goal, no focus, no topic: she simply needed the girl to open up to her again. And so, despite the pain, she persevered.
"But I never was the best. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I gloated, no matter what I did... I was always second-chair to someone."
Eventually, her words began to fade as she embraced the silence of the cosmos. She had faced adversaries from beyond her world, staged a rescue mission beyond Earth's orbit, but in all that time she was never afforded a moment to simply take it in. Her place in the universe was insignificant, a single soul amongst billions- a feeling amplified by Instrumentality.
"Why are you still here?"
The dry, raspy voice pulled Asuka from her introspection and momentarily scared her. Coming from the small child behind her, the tone and timbre of the voice clearly came from a different source within the child.
"What do you mean?" Asuka replied.
"Everyone else leaves me," Assy answered, heartbroken. "You probably should, too..."
The older girl turned to face her younger self, but she was still facing in the opposite direction: she wanted nothing to do with her.
"Assy-" she reached out, but her hand stopped short. This was a familiar feeling. Of course Asuka knew exactly what her younger self was going through, she had already lived it.
"Just go."
"Assy, please-"
"Go."
"If you'd just listen to me-"
"I said 'go'!" her tiny voice was growing louder, more confident, but she still faced away.
"Assy-"
The child turned and stood, tears streaming down her tiny face, "GO! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
And stubbornness begat stubbornness: "No."
Assy stumbled backward from the now standing taller girl. Tiny fists were held before her in a defensive position, her head turned away slightly in fear. She leaned away from the confrontation, but her feet were rooted to the spot.
And Asuka did the only thing she knew how for her younger self, abandoned so very long ago: she dropped to her knees and hugged her.
Drifting through space in an impossible dream born in the tears of a perpetually broken child, Asuka Langley Soryu squeezed the last remnant of her innocence as if she'd never see it again. Stars were born and died, galaxies merged and collapsed in the infinity of the hug, a gesture without time.
This was not just a hug for the child Asuka, but one needed by a near-adult Asuka that had never received an embrace like this.
After severing her connection with her childhood, leaving her a blubbering mess in the mirror, Asuka's rewards came in the form of confidence and recognition, not love and affection. She embraced piloting, not family. She teased death, not friends. And now, all Asuka could imagine is the difference one hug could've made.
There was a faint voice, "... I don't want to be alone anymore..."
Asuka struggled to make it out, "What?"
"... I don't want to be alone anymore."
The sentence broke the teen. A feeling she'd held deep within herself for years resonated so strongly within her she could barely think.
Gently, Asuka pushed Assy away, breaking the hug for the last time. "It's hard being alone for this long, isn't it?"
The question wasn't truly a question for the child, but also for herself. One of the hardest realizations she faced is just how many people truly cared about her, that she pushed away any love she could have received.
"Even in my dreams," her words were haunting, "I'm alone... even when I have friends."
The familiar feeling resonated in Asuka's heart.
"Every time I get sad, I imagine somewhere I'm happy," the little one explained. "I have friends and try to go on adventures."
Asuka remembered her last friends, her latest adventures. The same names continually pop up, the same locations reappearing, the same events and crises recurring.
"But are you happy in those dreams?"
The girl glanced to the side before nodding enthusiastically, but the energy quickly faded. Behind her tiny, dazzling blue eyes lurked a sadness only Asuka could truly understand. She could see and feel everything the girl thought, and had to take extra care as she pressed forward.
"It's okay to not always be happy," the older girl leaned closer to her younger self, their foreheads nearly touching. "You're allowed to have other emotions. Even… even sad ones. They may not be as fun, but they're just as important."
Assy sniffled and glanced away.
"Mein Liebensong, are all of your dreams," she paused, "good dreams?"
She remained silent.
Asuka continued out of fear of breaking the connection, "I have bad dreams. Nightmares, too. And they all feel so real. They," she clutched at her stomach, "hurt so real… but they aren't real. Dreams, good or bad, aren't real. And that's what's so great about them: when they're bad, you can just wake up and leave."
Her younger self glanced at her in the corner of her eyes.
"Your dreams aren't always good, are they?"
The silence grew. And within it, something sinister was born: the confidence to lie, something very familiar to Asuka.
The young girl glanced at her older self and stepped back defiantly, "Of course they are! I can go anywhere I want, and see anyone I want."
Asuka could remember masking her pain and loneliness in false confidence, and watching this version of herself, no older than the moment she was abandoned over a decade ago, wear those same masks terrified her.
Assy was distancing herself, purposefully. Like Asuka had her entire existence...
"Assy-"
Ignoring the pleas of her older self, she delighted in elaborating on her worlds, "This one time, I was a princess! And another time I was a chef!"
"Assy-"
"A lot of times I'm just a student, but my favorite was when I was a singer!"
"But," Asuka questioned her gently, "don't you get lonely?"
"No," Assy replied excitedly. "I have lots of different friends. And when I see them we go on different adventures!"
Asuka's understanding continued to grow: dreams were how the child saw the individual pocket universes. No more than a plaything, a dollhouse full of characters and settings, illusions and facades. But all too real to a child of four years time, especially one seeking escape from her perpetual isolation.
"Listen, Assy-"
"No, you listen!" Her confidence was growing. "I can be whoever I want, go wherever I want, and no one can hurt me!"
"THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?!"
It was Asuka's last-ditch effort to break through to the child. Asuka was always haughty and stubborn, but she also feared authority at that age.
Her raised voice clearly had its effect on the four year-old as she stood frozen to her spot. When she finally spoke, her words were markedly quiet again, "What- what do you mean?"
Asuka spread her arms and turned around, gesturing at the cold, empty space they were drifting through, "Why are we here? Between Jupiter and Saturn? Without a friend in sight?"
Assy remained silent, her head slowly dropping.
"You don't know, do you?"
Tiny sapphire eyes quickly raised towards the larger pair, damp with sadness yet shining with recognition.
Asuka chuckled gently as she knelt by her self, "I figured as much: you just run, anywhere you can..."
Again, ages passed in this world as they remained in silence, awaiting the right moment to speak, for fear of ruining it all again.
"I've seen those dreams, Assy," the teen was the first to break the moment, "The ones with your friends and family? I've lived in them. And, yeah, they're nice, but... they aren't real."
"But, but they-"
"I know they feel real," Asuka finished the thought before the child could. "I know they do. God, do I wish they were..."
She wasn't sure who that last sentence was for, Assy or herself. They'd both suffered enough to deserve some semblance of bliss, momentary or not. But she'd run for long enough: it was time to embrace reality.
Assy's tears had returned, another wild emotional swing from the small child. Her arms wrapped around herself as she cried, "I- I just want to play, Asuka! I just want to have fun! To see my friends! To see Papa! To see Mama! I- I-"
Words caught in the child's throat, but Asuka remained silent, giving her time to find them again. Forced to tiptoe the line between empathizing and challenging her younger self, she fought the urge to not hear her thoughts.
"I just want to be happy again… which is why I go to my dreams. At least there," her words broke Asuka's heart, "I'm happy for a little while."
"But the happiness never lasts, does it?"
The young girl pondered for a few moments and shook her head in agreement, "Uh-uh..."
"Why not?"
Another pause before a tiny shrug. "I… I don't know. I want to be happy. My friends are, but, it-"
Assy stopped. Tiny fists balled at her knees, gripping the hem of her dress.
"You can tell me, it's okay," Asuka reassured her.
"It's because of the boy and girl with the red eyes!" Her intensity exploded out of her. "They never want to play my games! And then they turn the other boy against me..."
"Assy-" Asuka was interrupted.
"They never want to play with me. They always ruin my dreams!"
"Assy-"
"I hate them!"
"Why, because you're too stubborn to listen to someone?" Asuka snapped.
Tiny sapphire eyes welled with tears as they gazed up towards their older self.
"They're trying to help us. We… we have friends, Assy."
"But why do they have to ruin everything?"
"You can't run forever, Assy."
"Why not?"
"Because someone's waiting for us!" The words burst from within, giving way for a scarier realization, "And I don't know how much longer he'll be there…"
"'Someone is waiting for us'...?"
Asuka nodded.
Assy was quiet for a moment, a question clearly building in her eyes. "Is he nice?"
Asuka nodded again.
"Is he our friend."
Asuka kept nodding.
"Does- does he make you happy...?"
Without thinking, Asuka smiled. "Yes."
The response shocked the older girl, but it came from deep within. Despite her actions all those years ago, she was infatuated with the boy.
"But, I-" the girl glanced away shyly, "I can't leave."
"I know you're afraid," she reassured her younger self, "God knows I still am. Being exposed is terrifying, but-"
"No! It's not that!" Assy blurted. "Well, not only that... I... I was told... to wait here..."
"'Told'? Told by who?"
"I have a friend, too. A real one."
Alarmed by the admission, Asuka gently pried at the girl, but she looked at the ground shyly, mumbling something incomprehensible. Thoughts raced through Asuka's head, baffled at who would instruct her to remain in this world of fantasy.
"Assy?"
"I- I-"
"Who told you to stay here?"
"The boy..."
A droplet.
Bright lights.
Where am I?
I can't see anything.
'Hello?'
I can't cover my eyes.
I'm afraid.
Confused.
I ask again.
There's something in front of me.
God, it's so bright.
Is it a person?
No.
I haven't seen a person in a long time.
A very long time.
I'm so lonely.
"I thought I might find something if I came here..."
Surprised.
It is a person.
I need to respond.
Say something.
What?
I... I...
I can't respond.
Say something.
But what?
I don't know what to say.
And if I say the wrong thing…
They'll leave, too.
I'm so lonely.
[Now I understand.]
Another voice.
So much louder.
I look around.
My eyes adjusted: there's a little boy in front of me.
He's just... smiling at me.
Why is he smiling?
"Play with me Asuka!"
Yes! Yes! I want to play with you.
Why can't I say it out loud?
He's going to leave me...
Like everyone else.
[You're more like me than you'd ever admit.]
That voice again. It wasn't the boy.
I want to play.
I'm so lonely.
I don't want to be alone any more.
I... I...
I need to say something.
Say something!
'PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!'
I yelled at him.
Why did I do that?
Oh no...
I'm so lonely.
He just smiled at me.
[Hello Asuka.]
The voice knows my name.
Who are you?
"Let's work together to finish our castle."
The little boy answered.
Are they the same?
Is someone else here?
I need to say something.
'Why?'
Silence.
That was mean.
The boy looks sad.
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm so stupid.
I'm so lonely.
Don't say that.
He's waiting for something.
I can't just ignore him.
But what if I say the wrong thing?
[It's okay.]
But... but...
'I don't know.'
Why did I say that?
I just want to play.
I'm so lonely.
I... I...
Tell him the truth.
No, no one can know.
But... but...
'I don't want to be alone any more!"
Silence.
What have I done?
More silence.
Another water drop.
Why am I crying?
The little boy is crying, too.
But he's smiling while he cries.
[I don't know how to help you, not yet.]
No one does.
I'm so lonely.
"Will you be my friend?"
What?
Yes...
Out loud, idiot…
[But please stay here until I can.]
Yes!
Say it out loud!
I- I-
It's been so long.
'I... I don't know...'
He just smiles.
He's going to leave...
Please don't.
I'm so lonely.
"We can play whatever you want to play."
Really?
Out loud!
'Really?'
He nods.
"Follow me."
Where is he taking me?
Why am I following him?
[I'll figure something out.]
'Where are we going?'
The boy doesn't answer.
I ask the voice the same question.
The voice doesn't answer.
I don't care.
I'm so lonely.
"Anywhere you want. I'll be with you."
[You deserve as much.]
"Hang on," Asuka stopped her line of thought. "Did you say 'the boy'?"
Assy's mood shifted and she grew shy, "Yes..."
"What boy?"
"The, uh, I don't. Just a boy..."
"How did you meet him?"
"I don't know," she mumbled meekly. "I don't remember. I just remember him picking me up off my bed and carrying me away. He hugged me so tightly and I cried myself to sleep in his arms."
Tears flooded Asuka's vision as the girl continued.
"I remember, he told me- he said, 'I don't know how to help you, not yet. But please stay here until I can'.
"So, I stayed and waited. He promised me he would help me be happy again, he would help me get back home. And, I believed him. He was very nice."
Asuka nodded along, tears streaming down her cheeks. The thought of Shinji being so kind and gentle, at a time where kindness and gentleness were not deserved, warmed her heart. The boy was gifted the power of a god and used his strength to help her. As confusing and painful as Instrumentality was, he waded through her filth and found the part she'd locked away, just in hopes to make her whole again.
Locked away for over a decade, Asuka stuffed nearly every tear deep within herself. It was not as if she had truly split herself, not like what happened to her mother, but, similarly, there was a part of her, an emotional component, that was abandoned at a young age. Put away to never be seen again.
And somehow, when Shinji saw within Asuka during Instrumentality, he saw this frightened little girl. Cold and alone, unsure of what to make of the god-like boy that stood before her. And so he, in an act of fear and love, gave that little girl the power to create her own happiness.
'You deserve as much.'
And now here she was, with a chance to end it all. A chance to make herself right.
"Assy," her tears ran down her cheeks, "I know that boy..."
Bright eyes shone up at her, "You do?"
Asuka nodded.
Two halves of a whole sat in silence, mentally, emotionally, and physically adrift. Thoughts, like stars, blinked in-to and out-of view, neither fully acknowledged by the lone soul in this universe.
"Will it hurt?"
Assy's words broke the silence, and Asuka's heart along with it. They both spent their entire existence avoiding pain: the pain of loneliness, of abandonment, of being let down. Except Asuka was a teenager and could understand why her avoidance was so dangerous; to make a four year-old understand…
Asuka chose honesty, "Sometimes."
The little girl gulped.
"The truth is: life hurts. There will be bad days, probably more bad days than good ones. But the good ones will be so good that the bad days won't feel like anything at all.
"Part of living is opening up to others. Being able-" the words caught in her throat, but she soldiered on. "Excuse me. Being able to fall in love, placing your heart in someone else's hands. And hoping they don't break it…
"And sometimes people will. And then you try again. And then they give you their heart, and you have to protect each other's, and-" Asuka could only imagine a sea of deep blue. So warm and inviting, with arms spread wide, ready to receive her back.
"Do you have someone you love?"
The questions caught Asuka off guard, but her immediate answer did doubly so: "Yes, yes I do."
"And do they love you, too?"
Of course not.
Why would he?
What a waste.
We'll only hurt him.
He deserves bet-
"Yes."
Asuka silenced the doubt in her mind. Decades of feelings of unworthiness welled up inside of her, but she simply allowed the Shinji in her heart to fight it off.
"He's doing this for us..."
"I'm scared, Asuka..."
The older girl nodded in understanding, placing her arm around the younger girl's shoulder and pulling her in tight. "Me too…"
Asuka Langley Soryu had spent nearly her entire existence avoiding. Avoiding attachment, avoiding affection, avoiding the truth. Avoiding happiness. It was easy to say the words, to tell someone else what had to be done, even if that someone else was actually herself. But to act upon it, to embrace the cold grips of the reality she had helped create…
"We have to," she said aloud, voice trembling, "we have to stop running."
Asuka Langley Soryu was everything she ever accused Shinji Ikari of being. A jerk. A coward. A pervert. Selfish. Worthless. Afraid. She recoiled in horror at the mirror-self he represented: another broken soul, a scared child, unable to ask for the help it so desperately needs...
"These dreams, these fantasies," she continued, "they're hollow sufferings masquerading as an escape. But we're no better! We're… no better…"
Asuka Langley Soryu would spend the rest of eternity punishing herself out of self-loathing had one, stupid boy not spent his eternity trying to drag her to salvation.
"Asuka-"
"But he won't stop. He won't stop," her panicked ranting grew passionate, a stream of consciousness ignoring her tiny host, "and I don't get it. I don't deserve it. I couldn't possibly deserve it... And that's what makes him so stupid. So hopelessly stupid."
"Asuka-"
"So what, I should just give myself to him? Because he's tried so hard for so long? He chose this! He chose to do all of this!"
"Asuka-"
"He chose..." she stopped, eyes tightly held shut. "He chose me."
The realization had fully hit her. The world stood still. She was really going to do this. All she had to do was convince her younger self to come home.
"Assy-" she looked down at the girl, surprised to connect with her already staring eyes.
"Asuka," the tiniest of voices broke through the fear. The deafening sounds in a vacuum of silence was music to her ears. "I think I'm ready to go home..."
Overcome with emotion, Asuka crouched down and did the only thing she could: she pulled the young girl into a warm embrace. World ending tears splashed upon her shoulder, much like they broke upon her comforter all those years ago.
In their final moment together, Asuka whispered to her own self, "I missed you."
Without reason or understanding, she stood and grasped the tiny hand being offered to her and walked away. She had no possible way to know where the exit was, how to leave this world. However, a fine red heartstring guided her in a direction her soul was at peace with.
They walked in silence, all of the words and understanding ever needed between them having been spoken and found. Two halves of the same coin no longer ignored either's existence, instead embracing the beauty of experience. Love, hate, pain, pleasure, happiness, sadness: all dualities Asuka Langley Soryu would no longer run from.
While they walked, little from the world changed, however she still knew it to be correct in her heart. They may not have moved forward in space and time, but their progress was forward where it counted. The hand clasped so tightly in hers strengthened its grip, surely anxious and afraid of what was to come, but Asuka would be there. She had promised her tiny self as much.
Her cautious footsteps had discovered a ledge. Peering beyond the invisible walkway in space revealed nothing: Asuka was walking where she shouldn't be able to walk, and was now being dared to jump where she couldn't jump.
An actual leap of faith, she chuckled to herself. Only she, in her infinite immaturity could conjure up something so literal. She turned around, looking downwards at the tiny redhead behind her.
"I love you, Assy..."
The child's expression and demeanor shocked her: looking up with a smile, she replied, "Thank you, Asuka."
Before she could respond or react, Assy shoved the older girl off the platform. Asuka fell backwards, gazing at the point she had just left. There was an irony here as she considered how she had pushed Shinji away before.
But more shocking than being shoved off of nothing into free space was watching young Assy, determined to find peace and happiness in truth and reality, leaping from the platform herself, diving towards her with momentum.
Asuka took one final glance at her young self, fully realizing the truth: her hair was a vibrant red, eyes a piercing blue, wearing nothing but a smile that could pierce the darkest veils. This beautiful child was her, someone she would never abandon again.
As their bodies made contact, young Assy merged into Asuka, filling her with a sense of completeness she hadn't experienced in many, many years. Asuka smiled, rolled over, and soared through the solar system as a gentle song began…
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And worlds end
Breathe the dream within
The mystifying
I'm coming home, Shinji…
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Look beyond
Where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust love, believe
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Stars and planets stretched, pulled towards an unknown source…
Free the dream within
The voices calling a song
A prayer from deep inside you
To guide you
Be the dream within
The light is shining
A bright spot appeared in the distance, inviting Asuka…
A flame on the wind
Salvation begins
Look beyond
Where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust love, believe
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
With the fullest smile Asuka could remember ever wearing, she left her past behind her, ready to embrace the future…
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And worlds end
I'm coming home.
Shinji raised his arms above his head and stretched his body, leaning left and right, forward and back. Strangely enough, despite having sat completely still for three weeks, he wasn't sore: the stretching was just out of habit, much like he did when he tended the farm.
The strange Shinji Ikari-populated beach, complete with giant-Asuka-head in the distance, existed in an unknown space between worlds. No sense of time passed, no sense of any sort of temporal motion: no one was ever hungry or tired, no one ever needed to use the restroom or bathe. The only thing that kept any sense of motion, despite each days' repetition, was the chiming of some wristwatches as the day turned to midnight, rolling back to the same date it had always been.
Otherwise, these iterations of Shinji, as infinite as Asuka could conjure, existed in a stasis beyond his comprehension. But his determination was mirrored by the depth of his love for another, as was every Shinji's. Not one wavered in his, or in rare cases her, devotion.
"Look."
Another Shinji spoke the first words in a significant amount of time, pointing towards the heavens. An infinite number of gazes lifted, taking in the stars in the distance. One-by-one, they slowly blinked out of existence, the night sky growing infinitesimally darker in their absence.
A commotion farther up the beach caught Shinji's attention, as, paired with the stars in the night sky, they also faded away.
No longer interested in the sights on the beach or in the sky, the original Shinji Ikari looked in the distance to see a beautiful sight: Asuka's giant head in the distance.
It was smiling.
Song: "The Dream Within" by Lara Fabian, from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
