Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist

Chapter 24: One Without a Permanent Scar

Shinji stood upright, brushing sand from his pants. His mind was distraught, torn between contentment and confusion; he had done everything right, or so he thought. He truly believed he was delivering Asuka the life she wanted: a world without Evas, without Angels, without... Shinji.

Seeing her alone in that place nearly broke him, but he was tired of bringing her pain. Even when he tried to save her soul, to make her whole again, it was agony. She resisted it every time, leading him to believe that she didn't want this. That these pieces, these fragments in hiding were the only way she could truly be happy. And this new world was his answer.

But it was rejected almost immediately; Shinji barely had time to exit the world himself before it collapsed in on itself, the piece of Asuka fleeing to another escape. Another in a long line of failures.

"Why didn't it work?"

Rei stood calmly near him, nearly hovering over the sand. Shinji always hated when she did that: it made her seem even less human. "It appears that she rejected it."

"I thought I did it right, Rei," he lamented, wrapping the earphone cable around the SDAT player. Each wind grew faster and faster until he stopped, frustration giving way to hopelessness, "I really did. I gave her what she wanted: a life with-"

He sighed, crestfallen, until an unexpected voice interrupted his thoughts.

"What did you do?!"

Shinji turned and in an instant he was alone before Asuka marched up to him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. Rei had vanished, leaving him alone to answer for his crimes. Panic set in, gripping his heart and words.

"H-hi Asuka," Shinji said, attempting to hide his evidence in his pocket.

"You don't think I know what's going on?" Asuka's biting tone was the most emotion she'd shown in years, all directed at his failure.

He was speechless. He'd been so careful, giving her assignments while he was away. Ensuring the damage to the equipment was repairable, but not before he returned.

Asuka took another step closer, gazing upwards at the now taller man. Her eyes were fierce, but also there were hints of something else. Something sadder… emptier. And somehow that anger was the most beautiful she'd ever been, because it was the most "Asuka" she had been since Instrumentality.

"Answer me!"

Shinji snapped back to reality, unable to admire her passion any longer. The truth was, he was tired of hiding it. Hiding his attempts at finding her heart, at making her whole again. He was done waiting for her to smile, knowing why she didn't. And so he lashed out.

"I'm trying to help you, Asuka!"

If only she could understand the depths he went for her, the lives he had suffered. Piloting Evas again crushed him, but he had a purpose, and so he endured.

"Help me? You think you can help me?!" Another step. Even as she craned up at him, her imposing presence was as if he were fourteen again.

"Yes!" Shinji blurted out.

"Why? Why would you help me when all I've done is hate you?!"

His heart ached at the word, but his commitment held firm. She had seen the ugliest side of him at the same moment he had seen the ugliest side of her, and there was no hate, only fear. Fear of rejection, of hurt and pain, of being lonely again, of finally knowing someone would understand you. And that fear was terrifying. It held him back for many years. But he wasn't afraid anymore, he couldn't be. And he said more than he should have:

"Because I love you!"

The world was still, the ocean silent, the heavens aghast. Never before had Shinji spoken that truth aloud, not in the real world, at least. Time remained frozen, waiting patiently for her response. Deep down, however, Shinji knew she wouldn't reciprocate. She couldn't. And that was why it was so important to him to save her: not so she could love him again, but so she could feel anything.

Asuka, unable to comprehend the words she was hearing, stepped back, turned, and ran while Shinji watched, helpless as always.

Defeated and confused, yet again, he turned and faced the bay, sitting back down in the sand, back into the same imprint he had left a few moments earlier. His four words reverberated in his ears, echoing throughout what barely remained of Japan. He couldn't escape them, nor their aftereffects.

Tainted seafoam milled about as gentle waves lapped at the broken shore. The nearest sea to home, polluted by the apocalypse; an incredible reminder of the mess he created.

Shinji dug his heels into the sand, gazing into the distance, trying to ignore the immense head on the horizon. Fortunately, it had since rolled away, no longer showing its perfect bisection, but it was still her head.

There had been an unspoken relief felt as Rei's omnipresent gaze was no longer on the two. Though clearly not the First Child they had known for so long, it was unnerving enough to see the resemblance in the distance.

Turning his thoughts back inwards, he steeled himself as his words remained in his ears. While an admission he had yet prepared himself to make, he did expect her reaction. Thankfully, neither Rei nor Kaworu had appeared to try and console him or discuss what had happened. Shinji lacked the strength to discuss this any further.

The sand crunched and he glanced over, recognizing the scavenged footwear that approached. He was unable to speak, not after the last fight. Having nearly given up, she confronted him and cornered him, and he said things he shouldn't have. Shinji's mind raced as Asuka closed the distance between them, having never expected to be confronted directly about this.

Asuka sat down beside him at a cautious distance, but faced him directly. It was to be an honest conversation. Thankfully the giant being that looked like Rei had allowed some form of privacy.

"You," her voice was raw, "love me?"

Shinji was scared to answer, caught in so many lies. He'd hid his trips across the universe, his attempts at bringing her peace, his true feelings for the girl. And the guilt associated with why she was so shattered in the first place.

All he could do was nod slightly.

"Is that where you've been going?" her questions continued.

Shinji sighed, knowing full well that eventually he'd have to explain this to her. It was inevitable. But he never figured out how he'd explain it, not once.

"I'm not an idiot," Asuka spoke softly. "I can feel- I can feel something. I don't know what it is, but when, when you leave, I- I-" She shook her head. "I'm not explaining myself."

Shinji smiled briefly, "No, I understand."

"Is there something wrong with me...?"

A heartbreaking question that all tied back to him: to his failures, to his weaknesses, to his moment as a god. Shinji owed it to her, owed her the truth of it all. What he did before Third Impact, how he helplessly listened as she was torn apart, how all of that drove him to ending it all, and finally how he saw into her heart, saw the disgust and fear and rejection, and granted her her one wish:

Happiness.

Shinji's gentle explanation eventually arrived after their return from Instrumentality and their initial interaction on the beach: "I noticed it right away but tried to ignore it; you were there, but only you weren't. You were an Asuka-shaped body with subtle glimpses of yourself inside. When I realized what was wrong, it crushed me. You wouldn't yell at me or call me stupid. You just existed.

"I thought that was my punishment," Shinji continued, "being forced to live alongside a ghost of the person I loved most in the world."

He expected to stumble over the word, to get caught up in the admission, but, instead, he took ownership of it. It was the reason behind everything.

"How do you know what's wrong with me?"

"I didn't. It was Rei and Kaworu."

Her eyebrow raised slightly.

"They didn't show up for a long time," he explained as Asuka sat and listened, "If anything, they helped me grant you that wish, so of course they knew what was wrong."

Asuka's brow furrowed slightly at the second mention of the wish, but she remained silent.

"I begged them to find a way to reverse it. You weren't happy, not here, not with me, not like this. I even offered to send you away, to wherever the rest of you was, but it wasn't possible. And then one day, Kaworu told me he knew where you were hiding, at least part of you. So I followed him, using this," he pulled the SDAT player from his pocket and held it before Asuka.

Her eyes widened as if she'd seen the ghost of something she hadn't seen in years. It refused to shimmer in the sunlight, faded and dulled by time. Such an ordinary object with such an extraordinary purpose.

"It was hard, at first. I tried so many times to just grab you and run, to make you understand. But it never worked, and eventually you'd run away to another place, leaving me with nothing but the guilt and sense of failure."

Before Shinji could continue, Asuka spoke, "I think I felt it, when you- when that happened..."

He perked up, having never considered if she noticed his failures before.

"Sometimes I'd feel more, more like me. Like I was healing. And other times, it- it was like a hair was plucked from my head, but in my heart. I knew something was going on, but I couldn't explain it," she softened. "That was you?"

He nodded.

"How?"

Shinji held up the SDAT again.

"With that?"

Shinji adjusted as he considered the question, "Using music was Rei's idea, having understood our connection during the sync test, or when you saw me practicing cello, she thought that that would be the trigger to get you out."

"And it worked."

Shinji sighed, "Not every time..."


Gentle waves crashed on Earth's most satisfied shore, tender kisses to a once thought unreachable beach. The sky alight with a million candles, whispering catharsis to the planet below. If every grain of sand were intended to represent unspoken words, surely the new Tokyo Bay would dry up permanently, yet those words didn't need to be spoken. Not anymore.

An unknown amount of time had progressed since their last declaration, leaving the sole inheritors of Earth joined at the hands, terrified to let go lest some other cosmic force were to come between them. The oceanic soliloquy continued, marking time like the second on a clock, the only motion on the beach. There was a real fear of waking up between them.

This silent contentment was a novel sensation to Shinji. He'd returned to this beach before, both with and without his beloved, but there was something different this time: a powerful sense of catharsis. Of finality. Fingers gripped tighter, reassuring each other not only of their presence but of the reality of the situation.

They were really there. Together.

A head of red hair had long since rested against Shinji's shoulder, an affection he'd only ever known in their shared illusions. The touch was familiar, yet foreign: a concept he'd only ever experienced chasing after her fragmented heart throughout the universe.

Shinji's shoulder was firm, weathered: a rock in which Asuka had chosen to anchor her soul to. Once a feeling locked away deep within her, hidden from even the knower itself, cathartic tears poured from within, tapping a well of feelings she'd long-since forgotten she had. It was her voice that broke the eternal silence, a scratchy, uncertain voice.

"If... if this is another dream," she whispered, "don't wake me..."

Despite the somber quality of a tired voice, the timbre proved honey to Shinji's ears. They were a new emotion: a real, raw emotion from someone who only had ever showed him anger and annoyance.

"I don't think I could take it... leaving this moment with you..."

The young man gazed at the sky, a truly familiar sky above them, shattered in Third Impact.

"You don't have to worry, Asuka," his voice grumbled, deepened after the years, yet still as gentle as ever, "this is real."

A grip tightened down on the other, though neither would ever admit who sought reassurance first, but the other matched in intensity.

Again, Asuka broke the silence, asking the question that had lingered on her mind for far too long. Her hesitation hinted at her nervousness, but she was unable to stymy the need for information any longer.

"H-" she gulped, "how long have you been waiting...?"

Shinji chuckled to himself, a different chuckle than she was accustomed to hearing, but apparently this was the Shinji she'd been hiding from.

"If I said 'a lifetime', would that sound stupid?"

She lightly punched his thigh before reengaging his hand, "Idiot."

Shinji smiled wide. He hadn't heard that word in far too long, at least not in reality.

"Asuka, it's always been you. I know it doesn't seem like it, and I- I," he sighed, "I know I let you down. Repeatedly. But I've dedicated myself to fixing this."

The words didn't scare him nearly as much as he thought they would. It was something he'd known deep down for far longer than he'd ever realized, not until Instrumentality forced him to reckon with the hearts of every living being on Earth, Asuka's included. It was then he noticed there was no other, not for him. There couldn't be.

How? Why? Are you sure? Shinji could conjure up all of Asuka's retorts in his own mind, prepared to find a way to defend himself. But she never asked. She sat, silently, staring at the sand between them.

So he decided against waiting.

"I remember when we met the first time: you were so strong, so driven. I noticed that long before I realized how beautiful you were. You loved being a pilot. You loved the very thing that I hated the most, and you had as much reason to hate it as I did, maybe more!

"But you didn't let that affect you. You were determined to conquer the very thing that stole your childhood from you, your mother, your father, even your own life!" Shinji never looked her way. It was coming out whether she wanted to hear it or not, and seeing her face would stop him.

"When we were in that- that place, I wanted to hate you. So badly. You were just like me, the only person that could possibly understand me. But," his smile faded, "you pushed me away. Like everyone did."

"But you knew the truth."

Shinji felt a pang of guilt in his chest. "Yeah, but..."

His smile was grim. He always considered the knowledge acquired during Instrumentality cheating. There were no barriers, no defenses. He was privy to Asuka's innermost thoughts, her most sacred memories, and she could do nothing to stop him. While it worked both ways for every human within Instrumentality, he only truly felt guilt for one.

"I know I put you through a lot," Asuka attempted to overcome his mood, watching his eyes spiral before her. "And I know that, that place wasn't ideal. But without it... I... I..."

The world fell silent as she struggled to find the words, waiting with bated breath, unsure of what was to come.

"I only came back because of what I saw in there."

Cobalt eyes widened in understanding, as cerulean watered over, struggling to withhold the deluge behind them.

"I wasn't done, not yet. My story wasn't finished. I wouldn't allow it. Seeing what you did, I-" she sighed, "I was so angry... but seeing how you felt, the guilt, the pain... I almost understood it."

Shinji listened in silence.

"You're right: we were all alone. There were only two of us that could truly understand it all, the depths of the depravity that was being a Pilot. Wonderg-" Asuka stopped and adjusted, "Rei- she wasn't human, she was a tool. Monkeyboy, I can barely remember his name, was used and disposed of. And the Fifth, Kaworu, he wasn't human either.

"It was just us," she reached out and gripped Shinji's other hand, holding them both within hers, "and I did everything possible to keep you away, to shut you out. Even when it pained me, I knew deep down I had to do it on my own. Like always.

"And then I understood it all, I understood what it meant to rely on another, to accept the strength of someone else. Mama and I, we- we were unstoppable. Or," she paused, "at least I thought we were."

Even the waves were silent, respectfully listening as the former Second Child poured her heart out to the Third.

"Inside that place, all I wanted was someone to understand me. Anyone to tell me, 'I know. I know, and it's all right.' But no one would, I just got washed up with everyone else. I wasn't me any more. And I hated it. I hated it.

"So, I came back. But you're right: I wasn't myself. I don't know who or what I was, but I wasn't me. And it turns out it's because I was broken," the tears began to pour from her face, "I have always felt broken, my entire life. But now, I really was. And you- you put me back together. I don't know how, or why, but you did it..."

"Asuka, I caused it-"

"No," she cut him off, "no you didn't. I was broken long before Instrumentality. And you still fixed me."

Nearly leaping into his arms, Asuka's sobs grew to wails of gratitude, emotions she never experienced before this moment. She was whole again, and in Shinji's arms, she wanted to stay that way forever. Decades of loneliness, of heartbreak, of emptiness, were nearly cured on this beach. The path to healing would require time and effort, but no longer did she feel as if she had to conquer it alone.

She had Shinji, and she was determined to never let him go again.

"Are we interrupting?"

Both Shinji and Asuka's attention turned toward the beach, surprised to hear another voice in the moment. Floating just above the gentle red tide were Kaworu and Rei, both sporting the same school outfits they had for several years.

"Kaworu! Rei!" Shinji smiled seeing his partners-in-crime, but stayed seated on the beach with Asuka.

Rei merely bowed her head slightly as a greeting.

The ethereal boy ignored her usual demeanor and spoke, "I do have to say you gave us quite a fright: you both disappeared entirely for a few hours, even from this very beach, which has never happened before. And considering the great lengths we've traveled with you on this journey, that is quite a feat."

"Yeah," Shinji chuckled, bouncing Asuka's head on his chest, "I don't exactly know where I went. At one point I was on this beach, but also... not."

Asuka sighed in contentment, "And I had a couple of much needed conversations with some very important people."

"Really?" Shinji asked, looking down at her.

She nodded slightly, but decided against talking much further, "I'll tell you some other time."

"Then I do have a parting gift for you." Kaworu approached the couple, floating gently over the sand, hands in his pockets, as always. He pulled an item from his pocket and presented it to them: a rectangular object with a dark wire wrapped around it. Shinji received the SDAT and turned it over in his hands, a sense of finality washing over him until he spotted the display: "24".

"There are more...? I thought new music only happened in..."

"Don't worry, Ikari: this place is real," Rei's voice was ever so soft. "Consider it our 'congratulations'."

"A 'Glückwünsche zu deinem Ruhestand", if you would," Kaworu continued with a devilish grin.

Shinji's confusion prompted Asuka to explain with a sweet giggle, "He's saying we're 'retired', dummkopf."

"Oh!" He chuckled.

But Asuka rolled her eyes, considering for the first time their shared future: "You're going to have to learn German. This simply will not do."

"If only I had someone to teach me," Shinji lamented.

The couple confirmed their lessons briefly before Kaworu interrupted them.

"I'll leave that to you and with that, we'll be taking my leave for the time being. Rehearsal as usual?"

Shinji confirmed it and the two disappeared, each bidding farewell in their signature ways. The world returned to normal, or at least the new normal for a semi-recently reshaped Japan. But even as the land healed, it was finally content knowing its inheritors were, too.

"The last two songs," Asuka thought aloud, staring at the enigmatic device. "Can you believe it?"

"No," Shinji admitted. "I can't."

"Should we listen to them?"

He shrugged, "There's only two left. Shouldn't we pace ourselves?"

Asuka nodded, "We can save the last one for later. But this one..." she straddled Shinji's lap and took the device from him, slowly unwinding the earphones and placing one in her ear. "We can reward ourselves for a job well done."

"Can we?" he chuckled as he placed his own earphone in.

Lips touch lips and someone pressed the PLAY button.

"Yes we can."

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return of her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?
And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar, and did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, mmm
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's a room to grow, hey, yeah
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly, so he never did land

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find, and did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
And tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?
And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar, and then you miss me
While you were looking for yourself?

Na-na, na-na, na-na
Na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na
And did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day?

Na-na, na-na, na-na
Na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na
And did you fall for a shooting star?
Fall for a shooting star?

Na-na, na-na, na-na
Na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na
And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?


Asuka followed behind Shinji, unwilling to let him act alone any longer.

"I don't think this is a good idea," he protested. "What happens if you decide to run again? Does all of you get lost to another world?"

But she held her position strong, "It's my soul. I'm coming."

"Asuka-"

"Please," she pleaded gently, "I- I need to do this. I'm as much to blame as you are..."

Having exhausted his arguments, Shinji resigned himself and continued the walk to the beach. Nearly at the designated location, he spotted his guide who fell into step with the two of them.

Asuka's nerves grew stronger as they approached and she broke the silence, "Where are we going?"

A gentle question, full of concern and fear of the unknown.

Kaworu answered, floating beside them, "This one's about to attend a private school in Tokyo. You will meet at a subway station."

The cryptic answer left much to the imagination, but Asuka never expected to understand the mechanism of this… thing. But she came along, unsure of whether it was out of trust or distrust in Shinji. She struggled to decide. She struggled with a lot of her feelings lately, even more than before. But this was supposed to help.

Somehow.

Finally on the beach, Shinji took Asuka's hand and led her to the ground, sitting next to her. He pulled the mysterious SDAT from his pocket and handed her one of the earphones.

"Ayanami and I have made all the preparations," Kaworu continued, "however, as before, we won't be able to assist you directly."

Lying back, Shinji closed his eyes, preparing himself for a journey he'd made countless times before.

"Does it hurt?"

Shinji sat up off the beach and looked over at his newest partner, "No. It feels like falling asleep."

Asuka squirmed in the sand and inserted the earphone before closing her eyes and saying, "Okay. I'm ready."

Watching the frighteningly calm young woman next to him, he paused until a sliver of ocean blue glanced in his direction.

Following the unspoken instruction, he laid back down beside her and inserted his own earphone, thumb resting over the PLAY button. He hesitated, and turned his head towards her, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Eyes still closed, she nodded against the ground, "Trust me."

Before he could come up with another excuse to delay, Shinji thumbed the PLAY button and sank into the cosmos.

Two hearts drifted through the void, eternally intertwined with each other, searching for somewhere to land.

As they circled the globe, a familiar land mass came into view.

"Haven't we been here before?" Asuka asked.

Their descent had begun and there was no more uncertainty in their target.

"Every time," Shinji responded.

A busy subway station flashed beneath them as they slowed, separating.

"I can't wait to meet you again."


Song: "Drops of Jupiter" by Train