Chapter 136
Love and Loss
Crouch groaned as he opened his eyes, feeling a sharp stab of pain as the light struck his vision. "Where…" he moaned softly. "Where?"
"You're safe," a familiar voice said. Crouch recognised it as Remus. "You almost didn't make it."
"How… how long?" Crouch croaked.
"It's been three days," Remus said softly. "You almost died. Minerva was able to get someone here to help, but even then, you almost didn't make it."
"Moody… he…" Crouch asked.
"Rest up, Barty. You need to recover," Remus insisted. "I'm just glad you're starting to wake up."
"It's… my fault," Crouch groaned softly.
"Don't you dare say that," another voice said. Crouch recognised it as belonging to Scrimgeour. "Moody made his choice. We… we had to extract a couple of memories."
"So… you know…" Crouch asked weakly, keeping his eyes shut.
"We do," Scrimgeour said. "He chose to save you. He was right; you're worth saving, and he was right to be proud of you."
"I… it should… it should have been me," Crouch replied, his voice hoarse. He felt the rim of a glass against his lips, as cold water wet them. He gratefully took gentle sips of the refreshing liquid.
"No. It shouldn't have been you, or Moody. But we weren't lucky enough. We were forced to evacuate sooner than we wanted," Remus said softly. "We held on as long as we could, we even took out McNair, but Yaxley was too powerful, and forced us back."
"We saved fifty people. Moody would count that as a huge win," Scrimgeour replied, holding Crouch's hand. "You helped us plan this perfectly. We lost Moody, but… as he often said, it's war. We win, and we lose. We saved fifty people, we lost one. Moody knew any of us could die, and he was ready."
"Was he?" Crouch asked. "Is anyone? That… we used… that gun…"
"Gun?" Remus asked.
"I wanted to try one of those muggle weapons. It's… it was something I hoped to understand, but… it was…" Scrimgeour said weakly. Whilst Crouch couldn't see him, he could hear the guilt and pain in Scrimgeour's voice.
"Brutal," Crouch finished. "Worse… than Riddle…"
"I destroyed it. I don't ever want to use it, or anything like it, again," Scrimgeour said. "It was barbaric."
"But the muggles will use them," Remus said.
"We can't control that," Kingsley stated. Crouch heard his voice in the back of the room.
"Should we really accept their help? Should we do this ourselves?" Remus asked.
"No. We need them," Kingsley said firmly. "But for now, let's get out of here. Barty needs his rest."
"Thank you… for helping me," Crouch said softly.
"We'll talk more later. Now get some sleep," Remus said softly. "I'll stay here and keep you company."
Crouch nodded, closing his eyes and letting sleep take him. The pain in his body, he could handle. The pain in his heart… there was no curing that pain.
"Thank Merlin he's going to be okay," Minerva said, as she sat down at her desk in the makeshift office that she made in the new school hideout. "I appreciate you both coming to tell me," she said to Bill and Charlie.
"Anytime," Bill replied, sitting on the couch. "Three days out of it, and he managed to wake up thankfully. Poppy is really an amazing healer."
"That she is, and thankfully she was able to sneak away from Hogwarts to help Barty," Minerva said. "How's Lily?"
"She took the news pretty hard. Sirius went to tell her the night they got back. I think Sirius needed to be near Lily for a while," Charlie replied. "I can understand that. I just… I needed to spend time with Tonks as well, and Percy stayed with Penelope."
"Yes, we heard the news. Congratulations," Minerva smiled at Charlie. "Hell of a time to find out."
"I was actually kinda scared. I mean, Dad made it look so easy, but when Tonks admitted it, suddenly everything felt more real. It felt like… suddenly, I had to protect Tonks, and the whole battle seemed like it wasn't going to be a good idea. I needed to get out of there, but I had a job to do," Charlie said. "I couldn't let others be deprived of their families, like I was when my Dad died, and when Ron almost died, when Ginny almost died, when Tonks was going to be in the battle, even though she knew she shouldn't be… everything just…"
"Felt insane?" Minerva asked. "I may never have had my own children, but I can understand. Ever since I became the deputy headmistress, I understood why Albus loved to teach. He might never have had children of his own, but he saw every student as his child. When they fell to the dark side, to You-Know-Who's side, or when they died, or fell ill, he took it personally. He knew the names of every student who died because of You-Know-Who. He remembered them and thought of them often."
"I never knew that," Bill said softly.
"No one did, other than me. He loved so many people and cared so much. It was why he never wanted to leave Hogwarts; it was truly his home, and it was where he belonged," Minerva said. "Years ago, whilst You-Know-Who was starting his first war, Albus and I… we were alone one evening, just enjoying hot chocolate and conversing, and I confessed that I desired him."
"Okay, so… this is definitely not a conversation I ever imagined having," Bill chuckled as he spoke, with Charlie's mouth agape. "What did he say?"
"What I'm about to say… I'd like you to keep it between yourselves, for all of time," Minerva said.
"We will," Charlie promised. "Right, Bill?"
"Right," Bill confirmed. Minerva smiled at the two of them.
"That night, Albus told me something I never expected," Minerva started.
(Then)
"I must confess, Minerva, despite the rising darkness, there does seem to be an… exceptional mood of optimism among the staff," Dumbledore said, as he took a sip of his drink.
"You're not wrong," Minerva agreed. "It's refreshing to see, especially with Horace resuming his regular parties."
"Yes, I've enjoyed seeing Horace flourish. He's already asked that one student be permitted to take her Potions O.W.L a year early," Dumbledore replied.
"Let me guess; Lyra Fireback?" Minerva asked. "She's an excellent student, and I'm happy to allow her to study for her O.W.L potions exam."
"Then I'll inform Horace that it'll be permitted, and get the paperwork started," Albus said, smiling. "Now, I want to ask about you, Minerva. Lately, you've been somewhat preoccupied with something, though I can't imagine what."
"Oh, nothing too important, I think," Minerva replied. Dumbledore chuckled.
"Minerva, you're an amazing friend and colleague. If something bothers you, then I wish to be able to help," Dumbledore said.
"I'm not sure I can explain it that well, Albus," Minerva said. "Besides, it's not really anything that can have something done about it."
"There is always a chance, Minerva. What is bothering you?" Dumbledore asked. Minerva sighed and put her mug down.
"Albus, you've been here for years, and you've put a lot into producing some of the best students that Hogwarts has ever seen. But you've never put anything into your own life. Have you never thought about… well, a family?" Minerva asked. Dumbledore laughed softly.
"Minerva, we've never really spoken about this kind of thing before. What brought this on?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well… you're going to think this is insane… but I have admired you for quite some time, in many ways. I'm not… sure what I'm saying here," Minerva said, tripping over her words for perhaps the first time ever.
"Ah, Minerva, how we are all victims of feelings of the heart every once in a while, no matter who and when," Dumbledore said. "I must admit, I am flattered… but for me, romance was a chance I had once, and my heart never recovered."
"You were in love?" Minerva asked, leaning back in her chair. "You never mentioned this."
"Because I do not believe anyone would understand my choices, not when I was a younger man anyway," Dumbledore said.
"We're all entitled to make mistakes in our youth, but love is never a mistake," Minerva said. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I do, but I hope you will not think badly about me," Dumbledore said.
"Albus, there is nothing you can say that would make me lover my opinion of you," Minerva told him. "You've done so much for others; maybe it's time you got to talk about it."
"I suppose it would be nice to be able to talk about this," Dumbledore put his mug on the desk. "I was in love, years ago, when I made a mistake. You see, Minerva, when I was younger, I was… not the champion of muggles that I am now. In fact, I once felt that perhaps wizarding kind should control muggles, but for their own good. They were violent, and dangerous, and were not doing well. I suspected that before too long, war would hit the world, and it had to be prevented. I met someone who felt the same way I did," Dumbledore said.
Minerva looked at him, both confused and unsure of what to think. She had never suspected such a thing would come from Dumbledore, but here he was, confessing to wanting to control muggles, though she believed him when he said he wanted it for the good of all muggles.
"What happened?" Minerva asked gently.
"When I met him," Dumbledore began, with Minerva understanding a little more about Dumbledore now. "He and I were both passionate about making the world a better place, or so I thought. We spent two months together as a couple, and I was so in love with him. But I learnt that his plans, and mine, differed greatly, and we… had a falling out."
"He wanted to control muggles for power," Minerva realised.
"He did," Dumbledore confirmed. "And I couldn't allow it, so we… ended our relationship. Since then, I have been unable to love. I never stopped loving him, but we were never destined to be together, it seemed."
"I'm sorry, Albus, for bringing this up," Minerva said. Dumbledore smiled.
"I'm not. I appreciate you, Minerva, and I am thankful for your friendship, and company. I am sorry that I can't give you more," he said.
"Don't be," Minerva said. "I have your friendship and companionship. That's more than enough. Maybe I'll never find someone to love, or maybe I'll end up like you, loving the students as my own children."
"Perhaps," Dumbledore agreed. "And they would be lucky to have you."
Minerva smiled at Dumbledore; she felt comfortable with his friendship, and if that was all she would have, it would be enough, and no matter what happened, she would always be his friend.
"Wow, Dumbledore in love. Never thought I'd hear of that," Bill chuckled, as Charlie smirked.
"Did he ever say who with?" Charlie asked.
"No, though I didn't ask," Minerva replied. "Still, it didn't matter. He was wrong about one thing; it was me that was lucky to have the students at Hogwarts to teach."
"No, we were the lucky ones. You've also been an amazing aunt to Lily; I know how much you mean to her," Bill said.
"And her to me. She's the daughter I always wanted," Minerva said.
"Which was why you gave her the charm," Charlie said. It wasn't a question, but a statement.
"Exactly. She's got a lot on, and I know she's struggling with the loss of Alastor," Minerva said. "She looked up to him; they all did. Right now, they need time to mourn and grieve. Everyone does."
"Yeah. It's never easy to lose someone. When you care about someone as a mentor, as a friend, or family, and they're taken from you, it can change you. Lily has Ginny, Ron has Lavender, and Hermione has Fleur. We all have someone special in our lives, but you don't have anyone to talk to, do you?" Bill asked.
"I have my friends," Minerva said.
"I know, but we're also family, Minerva. You've got all of us," Bill said.
"I know, and I appreciate it. I really do," Minerva smiled. "Likewise, I'm thankful that you're all in my life. You should go to your families, though. I'm sure Sophie and Tonks want to spend as much time with you as possible."
"What about you?" Bill asked.
"I'm going to prepare lesson plans for tomorrow, and then I'm going to get some sleep," Minerva said. "Thank you, for caring about me. I'll speak to Sirius if I need to talk to someone."
"Okay," Bill said, as he and Charlie stood up. "Let us know if we can help you with anything. That's what family's for."
As Minerva watched the two leave, she went back to her desk, and looked at a picture of Dumbledore on her desk. She wished she had the portrait that was in her former office, now Snape's office, so she could speak with him, but she knew this would have to do.
She was thankful to Bill and Charlie for caring enough to make sure she was okay, and she was glad to have someone to talk to, but she also regretted not telling them everything.
After all, she hadn't lied; Dumbledore had never told her who it was he had loved, but it hadn't been difficult for her to figure out who. She was intelligent and she understood her friend, better than most.
She looked at the picture of Dumbledore and smiled. "We all love the wrong people, don't we, Albus?" she asked. "You loved him, even though that he didn't have the same line of thought you did and didn't understand what he had in you."
Of course, the man hadn't understood how special Dumbledore was. Minerva did wonder how things might have been if the two men had remained together. Would they had fought years later? Would there have been a war around the world? It was why Dumbledore hadn't fought him until years later, but he had won.
She had promised Dumbledore that whoever he loved wouldn't change her opinion of him, and it was the truth. She never lost her respect for him; she was just sorry that the man he had loved had been so evil.
But then, evil had been what was in the heart of Gellert Grindelwald.
