Saturday evening arrived, and it was a bit of a mess, truth be told. For one thing, we'd been out playing Quidditch most of the afternoon, and had completely lost track of time, so when Dad came outside and told us it was already ten past 5, we all had to rush, showering and changing into new sets of clothes. Then, Ron only noticed he was still topless after Dad disappeared in the fireplace, so he had to go back upstairs and fix that. Finally though, we all made it to Privet Drive, though that wasn't the end of our problems.
Once I landed in the Dursley's fireplace behind Ron, I felt myself squashed up against the wall, and in pitch darkness.
"What on earth is going on, why's it so cramped and dark?" I asked, my voice muffled.
"Everyone" said Dad firmly "I'm trying to think what to do. . . . Yes . . . only way . . . Stand back, Harry"
Then a new voice, one I hadn't ever heard before, came. It sounded panicky but also very gruff, so I assumed it must be Vernon.
"Wait a moment!" he bellowed. "What exactly are you going to —"
That was the exact point where Dad cast a blasting hex. There was a big explosion and suddenly light and lots of dust filled the air. I opened my eyes to see Harry and the 3 Dursley's staring at us, with their living room covered in the remnants of their fireplace. Vernon was holding up Petunia, and it seemed like she'd fallen over as a result of the explosion. All of them were covered in dust, and it looked like they had been dressed in their best clothes, which were now ruined.
"That's better," panted Dad brushing dust from his long green robes and straightening his glasses. "Ah — you must be Harry's aunt and uncle!"
He walked forward and tried to shake Vernon's hand, but Vernon backed away several paces and bought Petunia with him. My brothers and I stepped out into the room.
"Er — yes — sorry about that," said Dad, lowering his hand and looking over his shoulder at the blasted fireplace. "It's all my fault. It just didn't occur to me that we wouldn't be able to get out at the other end. I had your fireplace connected to the Floo Network, you see — just for an afternoon, you know, so we could get Harry. Muggle fireplaces aren't supposed to be connected, strictly speaking — but I've got a useful contact at the Floo Regulation Panel and he fixed it for me. I can put it right in a jiffy, though, don't worry. I'll light a fire to send the kids back, and then I can repair your fireplace before I Disapparate."
I couldn't help laughing at this, as clearly this would have sounded like complete and utter nonsense to the Dursley's, who still had looks of shock on their faces. Then, suddenly, Dudley of all people spoke.
"I recognize you!" he said, pointing at me.
Everyone looked at Dudley in disbelief
"What, me, how?" I said
"I saw you, at King's Cross, you and him, you kissed before Harry came up to us!"
This looked like news to even Vernon and Petunia, who clearly must not have been paying attention in that short moment Harry and I shared that embrace. I'd hoped Dudley hadn't noticed either, but I was clearly wrong.
Harry looked very uncomfortable
"Do you mean to tell me" said Vernon to Harry, his voice rising "that you and this girl-"
"I have a name!" I snapped at him "Ginny Weasley, and yes, we are dating! Why, got a problem with that?"
"Ah yes, she is my girlfriend" Harry said slowly, scratching the back of his head, "sorry, it must have slipped my mind"
"Well let me make it clear, you will not be bringing her over for any antics, boy, this will be the one and only time she ever enters our house!" Vernon spat.
"As if I'd want to spend any more time with people like you!" I told him savagely
"People like us?" said Vernon, starting forwards "I'll have you know, girl, that your kind are the problem-"
I pulled out my wand and pointed it at his chest, but Dad got in between us
"Mr Dursley, I must ask you to back away. I will not have you threatening my daughter. We are here to collect Harry, and that is it. Am I clear? Ginny, lower your wand please"
I did as Dad said, and so did Vernon, albeit reluctantly
"Right then" said Dad, "Harry, do you have your trunk ready?"
"It's upstairs," said Harry
"We'll get it," said Fred at once. Winking at Harry, he and George left the room. They knew where Harry's bedroom was, having once rescued him from it in the dead of night. I knew exactly why they were volunteering for this though, it was to get their new toffee to Dudley, and sure enough, George dropped one subtly onto the floor, right in front of him.
"Well," said Dad, swinging his arms slightly, while he tried to find words to break the very nasty silence. "Very — erm — very nice place you've got here."
As the usually spotless living room was now covered in dust and bits of brick, this remark didn't go down too well with the Dursleys. Vernon's face purpled, and Petunia started chewing her tongue.
Dad was looking around. He loved everything to do with Muggles. He was itching to go and examine the television and the video recorder.
"They run off eckeltricity, do they?" he said knowledgeably. "Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs," he added to Vernon. "And batteries. Got a very large collection of batteries. My wife thinks I'm mad, but there you are."
Vernon clearly thought Dad was mad too. He moved ever so slightly to the right, screening Aunt Petunia from view, as though he thought Dad might suddenly run at them and attack.
"Ah, this is your cousin, is it, Harry?" said Dad, taking another brave stab at making conversation.
"Yep," said Harry, "that's Dudley."
He, Ron and I exchanged glances and then quickly looked away from each other; the temptation to burst out laughing was almost overwhelming.
"Having a good holiday, Dudley?" he said kindly.
Dudley whimpered.
Fred and George came back into the room carrying Harry's school trunk.
"Ah, right," said Dad "Better get cracking then."
He pushed up the sleeves of his robes and took out his wand. The Dursleys drew back against the wall as one.
"Incendio!" said Dad, pointing his wand at the hole in the wall behind him.
Flames rose at once in the fireplace, crackling merrily as though they had been burning for hours. Dad took a small drawstring bag from his pocket, untied it, took a pinch of the powder inside, and threw it onto the flames, which turned emerald green and roared higher than ever.
"Off you go then, Fred," said Dad.
Fred left.
"Right then, George," said Dad, "you and the trunk."
Harry helped George carry the trunk forward into the flames and turn it onto its end so that he could hold it better. Then, with a whoosh, George had cried "the Burrow!" and vanished too.
"Ron, you next," said Dad.
"See you," said Ron brightly to the Dursleys.
He grinned broadly at Harry, then stepped into the fire, shouted "the Burrow!" and disappeared.
Now Harry, Dad and I alone remained.
"Ginny, off you go" said Dad
I was just about to do so, when a horrible gagging sound erupted behind me, and Petunia started to scream.
Dudley was kneeling beside the coffee table, and he was gagging and sputtering on a foot-long, purple, slimy thing that was protruding from his mouth. One second later, I realised the foot-long thing was Dudley's tongue, so the test had been successful!
Harry and I couldn't hold it in any longer, we burst out laughing.
Petunia hurled herself onto the ground beside Dudley, seized the end of his swollen tongue, and attempted to wrench it out of his mouth; unsurprisingly, Dudley yelled and sputtered worse than ever, trying to fight her off. Vernon was bellowing and waving his arms around, and Dad had to shout to make himself heard.
"Not to worry, I can sort him out!" he yelled, advancing on Dudley with his wand outstretched, Petunia screamed worse than ever and threw herself on top of Dudley, shielding him from Dad.
"No, really!" said Dad desperately. "It's a simple process — it was the toffee — my son George — real practical joker — but it's only an Engorgement Charm — at least, I think it is — please, I can correct it —"
But far from being reassured, the Dursleys became more panic stricken; Petunia was sobbing hysterically, tugging Dudley's tongue as though determined to rip it out; Dudley appeared to be suffocating under the combined pressure of his mother and his tongue; and Vernon, who had lost control completely, seized a china figure from on top of the sideboard and threw it very hard at Dad, who ducked, causing the ornament to shatter in the blasted fireplace.
"OI! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" I yelled at Vernon
Vernon responded by seizing another ornament and this time throwing it at me, and I dived out of the way.
I made to reply with a spell, but Harry grabbed my wand arm and forced it downwards
"Don't, it's really not worth it, let's just get out of here!" he said
"Now really!" said Mr. Weasley angrily, brandishing his wand. "I'm trying to help! Ginny, Harry's right, just get back home, I'll sort this out!"
We did so. Stepping into the fireplace, I called, "The Burrow", and disappeared just as a third ornament flew our way and smashed just above Harry's left ear. I emerged back at home, with Harry following a minute later.
