I Am Changing
You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and more capable than you think.
Mercedes Jones POV
I sat in the choir room for the first time listening to this guy singing his interpretation of our first conversation it was accurate, if I had to be totally honest about things, but I wasn't sure right now if I wanted to get rid of this version of Mercy Jones
Reflecting on our conversation I sort of understand how our childhood experiences impacted on our lives, and I must add that until today I might have shrugged that off as bull crap. I was that girl, the one that got triggered by inoffensive comments, and found myself reacting in irrational and unexpected ways mainly towards innocent people.
I guess my journey started way back in my preteen years, I say way back but I'm only eighteen now, I was always the quiet, oversized, goody two shoes, who got bullied for knowing too much, and just not fitting in, by junior year I'd grown that skin, thick and shiny it was my invisible armour.
Problem I had was that I couldn't let the events of those early days drop, I'd never forgiven those kids that treated me that way back then, but I never allowed for anyone to think they could treat me that way any day after that thick skin had become comfortable. Today I'm sitting here thinking of all the people I've hurt on the way to my light bulb moment, the memories of my own personal trauma come flooding back, as I ask myself one serious question, am I a fucking monster?
Flashback
I don't think anyone starts out in life saying they want to be a bully, I was a kind kid, smart, funny and a genuinely good person until I was eleven. I remember the actual moment my life changed, I was bitching and bullying with one of my friends, we always did it, there was a group of us that always did that after school, it was no biggie. Our leader was taller than the other girls in our year, she'd already started her period, wore make up, and she was wearing a bra, we all thought her mom was the mom to wish for, she was so cool. I was short and thickly built, she was tall and built to perfect in every way.
Then suddenly one day while we were bullying a geek, she turned and pushed me to the ground, the laughing and jibing stopped straight away
"What did you do that for?" I sat up asking her
"Because you're a bitch" she snapped at me before slapping me across the face
I held my burning cheek and looked at the others standing around, I think I was waiting for them to say something, tell her how much of a bitch she was being, shout at her, something, but it didn't come. The next thing I know she's straggled me pinned my hands down and butted me on the nose, it was so painful I screamed, she laughed, and the others followed suit. I couldn't believe what was happening to me, I'd seen her do this to other kids loads of times, but she was supposed to be my friend, I never thought she'd do this to me, obviously she'd never been a friend.
Growing up was hard enough, finding the right people to walk around with, saying the right things to keep out of trouble, doing that in a small town like ours brought its own challenges, of course everyone heard about my beat down. The next day I was no longer protected by the biggest girl in school, random people started attacking me, suddenly I was a fat, black, geeky nerd, of course it hurt. I thought about the many times I'd heard others called those names and stood smiling just like my so-called friends.
It didn't take long for me to fall down that wormhole, people tell you negative things about yourself often enough your mind seems to close off pretty quick from anything positive. I stayed there for a while, being pushed to the floor repeatedly, shouted at in public, talked about openly in class and at break time I was the victim show. I became that girl, the one that stayed in her room evenings and weekends, curtains closed, bedroom a mess, eating crap, depressed, I thought about harming myself a few times, but the thought of my parents beating the crap out of me, stopped that. Instead, I decided to change into someone else, I didn't care who I was as long as I wasn't that girl.
I let that short fuse my parents had always tried to dampen take over my life, I didn't need to be offended to attack, somewhere along the way I'd decided I was living in a kill or be killed world, the toughest survived and I was surviving. If being different made me a target I was going to be a target no one would want to touch, I walked around with a face like a bulldog, and my insides matched it, I knew how to do this, I'd watched a master for nearly two years.
I walked into school that day and zoned in on my prey, I knew the obvious ones, she'd got them marked already, I wanted the challenging ones, the ones that thought they were safe, weak but likable. A look I didn't like would get them a push, if I saw their lips move, they'd get verbal obliteration, and God forbid they should question my actions or answer me back. It was like I was outside my body watching myself, creating a living hell for everyone in my path, at first there were pings of guilt, but that didn't last long, because the thought as well as the act of torturing someone soon made me smile. It was like winning first prize and standing front and centre to let everyone see you're the best at what you do.
As I became more confident in my new skin, I upped the ante, I wasn't just reacting to looks, comment, and actions anymore, I was instigating them, name calling, little jabs playing with people's heads, pulling out those insecurities I'd been so ashamed of a short while back, in others. Watching them crumble was my kryptonite, it felt good to see the parting of the waves as I walked down the corridor.
Three months after my transformation I stood in the mirror, and in all honesty, I didn't recognise the girl standing there. I'd gone from what my parents termed a bright, engaging, top grade student to an uninterested, disruptive, torture queen. I'd become cocky not just with my peers but my teachers too, earned myself the child for which there is no hope trophy, I'd got a bit of a following, no names all wanting to be Mercy Jones, and I was proud of that. If I wasn't using my energy to make someone feel like crap, I was using it to recruit, the thought of mini-Mercy's all over the school gave me a buzz, especially knowing I was pulling all the strings.
I became a master manipulator, I wasn't particularly strong for my age, I guess my weight made other's think I was tougher than I actually was, but what I had was wits about me, I was quick to spot insecurities, fast to act on them, and delegation became my new friend, whenever the occasion presented I'd send one of my recruits off to do something dreadful.
It wasn't long before I came face to face with my nemesis, she was still taller than me, intimidating, and absolutely horrible, but I was climbing the ladder on that one, and I had to gain my ground
"I hear your throwing your weight around" she stopped in front of me snapping, I knew what she meant, everyone listening knew she was having a dig at my size, and for a split second I became that girl again, ready to cower, but then something stirred inside me
"You know I met the rest of your family the other day, what's your surname again Sasquatch?" I looked down at her gigantic feet, they were nearly a size ten easily, and they were in proportion with her height, she really was a giant, but everyone knows the story of Samson and Goliath, don't they. I smirked at some of the people standing around whispering and giggling, satisfied because they were being forced to agree I was funny
She gave me a wide berth after that and I spent the rest of middle school attacking first, capitalising on people's faults and imperfections, generally ruining lives I had no business interfering in. I had so much dirt on people, they were all too willing to go along with whatever game I decided they needed to play for my amusement. I didn't care that people were getting hurt, physically and emotionally, it had happened to me, and I wasn't dead.
High school had brought with it a new dynamic, bringing back some of my old traits, but this time I was ready to use them for my own gain, I made friends with the bitches from my year, blended in, became a follower until I could work things out, and then I turned. I didn't feel bad about the suffering I caused, I was motivated by knowing I didn't want to be bullied, shamed or scorned, so the consequences of my actions be damned, I didn't have a choice I had to survive.
I'd managed two good years at the top of my game, kept the facade going, making everyone think I was something I wasn't and one word from a stranger and I was guilt tripped into giving it all up. I wasn't looking for a way out, I was planning on being this version of me until at least college, where I hoped everyone was more mature about things and I could just sink into the background and be Mercy Jones the one everyone forgot.
But then one day while I was doing my thing, I got caught off guard
"Is it true what they say?" I asked this little kid that was quivering in his boots as he looked up at me
"I don't know" his trembling voice made me smile, these idiots were getting younger, the girls that stood around me were laughing too, jumping at the bit to deliver whatever fate I decided he was to get
"That you're a"
"Pathetic" A guy walked past hissing in my face
"What?" I looked at him smirking at me "What did you say?" I asked as he carried on walking "Hey" I shouted after him, but he didn't look back "Who is that?" I turned to ask my crew, pissed that no one knew who he was. I decided to follow him surprised he was in my class, a new guy, maybe he was trying to find his way, so yes, he instantly became an enemy. I sat in the class watching him introduce himself with confidence
"Sam Evans" he grinned "I'm from Texas, my family are here because of my dad's new job"
"Sam's in Group A, so" Mr Figgins looked around the room "Mercy will you let him shadow you?"
"Sir" the Sam guy and my eyes met, and I knew he wasn't happy about it, but it gave me a chance to size him up
Class finished and contrary to his first reaction, he gravitated towards me "So, you're the class bully?"
"I..." I was stuck for something to say, but he must have sensed it because he carried on talking
"There are other ways to deal with bullies you know, you don't have to become one"
"How do you know I became one because I was bullied?"
"Isn't that always the story?"
"It sort of is, but it isn't" I admitted sheepishly
"We're joined at the hip for the week, you might as well start from the beginning" he laughed
"What makes you think I want to tell you my story, I don't even know you?"
"I'm the perfect stranger" he smiled "Like a bully whisperer"
"Funny" I giggled, because it was funny "Lunch time" I told him needing the time to push myself into doing it, I was unusually happy that day, maybe it was the thought of having someone listen to my story, to me, someone wanting to know my side of things, he was paying attention and that excited me. As always happened when I get too comfortable, my self-doubt flew in to visit and I spent half the lesson wondering why someone like him would be interested in what I thought, I was all for blowing him off by the end of the morning.
"Hey" he called after me as I made to leave without him
"Hey" I turned trying to look like I'd genuinely forgotten
"I know you didn't forget about me, you're scared of the bully whisperer, aren't you?" he laughed walking towards me
"No" I smiled knowing he could see right through me "Maybe" I gigged holding my books against my chest for some kind of protection
"Why don't you show me where the canteen is?" he stepped off in front of me, I found myself following him, that wasn't something I did naturally, I'd been bitten before by following. We grabbed something to eat and sat at a table, I knew no one would want to join us, I wasn't inviting anyone either, the look on my face as I walked through dared anyone to ask the question. "Pretty popular?" he looked around the canteen and smiled at me
"Do you want to go somewhere quieter with less eyes?"
"Sure" he took his sandwich and snacks off the tray and stuffed them in his pocket "Where do you suggest?"
"The stands" I told him, leading the way "Do you play?"
"Yeah, but I don't know what the team here's like, if they're crap..."
"They're quite good actually"
"Why" he looked at me "Because if they lose, you'll beat the crap out of them?"
"No" I laughed "But I guess it's something to think about"
"I'm more into music, I hear there's a music program here"
"There is but the choir's pretty lame"
"Enter Sam Evans" he pushed his chest out "Also known as the choir whisperer"
"The boy that fixes all?"
"Nearly all" he laughed
"Sam Evans" I turned to look at him "You are crazy" I laughed with him, climbing the stands to get to the top "Will this do?" I asked when I got to the last but top row and sat down
"Fine" he sat next to me, "So" he leaned back on the bench behind us "It sort of is, but it isn't?"
"Don't judge me" I warned
I didn't mean to tell him everything, I started with my nemesis, that was where this change in me happened, but he shared about some of his insecurities, told me about his depression, then I shared. Suddenly I was telling him about my unhappy childhood, my birth father who hadn't been a nice man to my mom, how I resented my stepfather for pushing me out when my sister came on the scene, and how I felt like I'd become the outsider overnight.
For the first time in my life, I was telling this stranger about my mom's abusive past, my feelings of guilt for holding them together, which presented in me forming an unhealthy relationship with food, the only thing I felt I had control over. My nemesis melted into the distance, I came to my realisation, I'd brought it all on myself, forever seeing myself as the victim I'd placed myself there.
"Breaks over" he looked up at the pitch emptying "Can we carry this on after choir?"
"I don't go to choir"
"I listened to you, I think you can listen to me for a minute or two" he smiled "It's my first time and I might get bullied" he laughed "But if you walk in with me..."
"You forgot to mention the bribe whisperer" I laughed getting up to follow him back through to our class
I sat in class half listening to the lesson, the other half searching my mind for answers, why? How? I'd said it all to Sam earlier, but there's something about saying it out loud that makes you have to listen and then process your words. I was that girl, the one that had done those terrible things to people, hiding myself, taking my insecurities out on others, why did I do that, I had so many questions, Sam's voice in the room brought me back to the now.
I'd heard it maybe five times already today, but I still smiled "Sam Evans" he grinned "I'm from Texas, my family are here because of my dad's new job" he looked into my eyes "Till I get to know the place, I'm following Mercy around" he nodded "I know" he laughed at the notion "I used to sing with a band at my old school, so I was excited to hear there was a music program here"
"Show us what you got" Miss Rhodes pointed him to the centre of the room
"This one's for us" he whispered before he got up "I usually bring my guitar but..." I watched him walk to the centre of the room
"We have one" Miss Rhodes pulled one off the stand and brought it to him
"And a band, if anyone can play..." his smile genuine as some of the guys jumped up and went to the various instruments in the room "Great" he started strumming a tune "I chose this song because when I was at an all-time low, it helped me" he smiled at me again, letting me know that something was coming my way "It's called 'Not Alone' by Nathan Grisdale"
I close my eyes I don't want to wake up, I'm so scare run away tired of love.
No friends by my side I've had enough, but I don't want to die, I don't want to die, yet.
Sometimes I'm my only friend, hurts a lot but I try to pretend.
Same shit different day, it's happening again, crawl up in a ball, feel so innocent.
End of Flashback
I was mesmerised, he was singing our conversation, our feelings, and I understood what he meant when he said music had pulled him through, and why it was such an important part of his life.
Just wrote this song to quickly raise awareness, yeah, too many souls thinking they don't have a purpose yet.
Don't be ashamed of your current situation, it gets better I promise your all amazing.
They will judge you when they don't know your story, let me tell you they couldn't walk in your shoes.
I'm speaking the truth, but please believe me, perfect just the way you are please believe me.
You, you, you can learn to love yourself again, you, you, you can learn to love yourself again.
I sat wondering when I'd ever loved myself, scared that I couldn't remember a time, moment or even second, I looked at him singing again, he meant the words, what he'd told me was true, he'd been where I was and look at him, he was the true survivor in this situation, and now I found myself craving for his kind of survival, wondering if I could change.
"What did you get out of that?" he disturbed my thoughts when he sat beside me asking while everyone clapped
"I can definitely learn something new about myself"
"You should try it sometime"
"Singing?" I almost burst out laughing "I'm like this because I hate getting bullied, why am I going to start singing?"
"I'm the bully whisperer remember, I'll protect you"
"You know I believe you would" I smiled at him
"You better believe it, right now you're my best friend, protect to the death and all that" he turned to look at Miss Rhodes "Thank you Miss Rhodes"
"What happened?" I asked I hadn't been listening to anyone but him, so I really didn't know what he'd heard
"I'm in the choir"
"Oh, congratulations"
"Thanks" he looked at me suspiciously "I was thinking"
"The bribe whisperer again?"
"No" he smiled "I'd want you to do this of your own free will"
"Do what?"
"Join the choir" he smiled
"I'll think about it" I smiled as I sat wondering when the last time was that I'd been happy enough to sing
It was the last lesson of every day, we listened to a few others before we finally left that place and walked through the empty school corridors "Do you want to get a coffee or something?"
"Or something, I can't stand coffee"
"Me neither to be honest, it's just what grown-ups say" he laughed following me out the door
We sat in the local café talking again, I didn't even realise I'd got so much trauma tucked away, I hadn't realised how alone I'd felt, I found it hard to talk about love, Sam mentioned it a lot, I felt embarrassed at first, but it grew on me, hearing about his family. All I could think was that I was a horrible person, I'd been a horrible person, and I needed to find a way to do things differently before I completely lost my true self.
After the realisation of where the blame for my actions lay, I went straight into guilt mode, I felt like I needed to run around telling everyone I'd ever offended how sorry I was, not that I was looking for absolution or anything like that, or maybe I was. On the other hand, I didn't want to open old wounds for some people and get a constant reminder of the cold hard, consequences of the damage I'd caused.
"I know that look" he smiled at me before taking a sip of his shake
"What look?"
"That I did then what I knew how to do, now that I know better, I do better look" he laughed
"Maya Angelou" I raised my eyebrows impressed "A poem whisperer too" he made me smile with his laughter
"Learn to love myself, I'm going to do just that, I know I can do better" I nodded at him
"Seriously?" he sat with his mouth open looking at me "What changed your mind?"
"To be honest a bit of you, a lot of me" I looked up wondering what that new me would look like, it had been a while since I'd put my trust in plain old ordinary Mercy Jones, I wondered if she was up to the challenge.
"You are" his voice drew my attention
"What?"
"Up to doing this" he smiled "I'll be right there, every step of the way"
"Promise?" I grabbed his hand, a bit familiar for knowing someone less than six hours I thought, but this person knew more about me, and had taken the time to learn so much about me in those six hours than anyone I'd ever been in contact with "Friend?"
"Best friend" he confirmed "Drink up we've got some work to do tomorrow"
I lay in bed thinking about everything that had happened today, I hadn't woken up thinking about being different, better, kinder, the total opposite to be frank, and here I was going to sleep feeling the most terrified I'd felt in a while, but knowing the fact that I was feeling anything exciting me. I dissected my childhood emerging with the truth, that maybe the walls I thought had formed between my family and me, were of my doing, my stepdad hadn't changed, just my perception of him, jealousy had made me think otherwise.
The next day I was tired, sleep hadn't been my friend, I met Sam in the canteen, and we went off to first lesson "Excuse me" I got up to address the class "Someone very wise once called me pathetic" I looked at Sam smiling at me encouragingly "And I'm standing up to own that, and apologise to anyone that I've behaved badly towards, which is nearly everyone in here I know, I just want you all to know I'm trying" she looked around the room "I mean I am changing, and hopefully you're all around to witness it" I felt like Sam must have felt the day before going from class to class with my little speech.
Finally, we got to the class my nemesis was in, I really had to push myself to get up and say what I needed to, but I'd resided myself last night to taking the rough with the smooth. "How weak" she snarled at me, I felt myself cowering, all that strength I thought I had was quickly moving towards my shadow.
"I think you'll find its strength" Sam smiled at her "And I think there are others that could take a leaf."
"I am changing, and hopefully you'll all be around to witness it" I finished my speel while she sat uncomfortably in her seat.
By the end of school, I was exhausted, but Sam had supported me all the way through it, so of course I had to suffer his singing club again.
"Are you going to sing today?" he asked as we got close to the choir room.
"I'm still thinking about it" I smiled at him "What the..." I stopped in my tracks seeing my nemesis sitting in the room.
"Sam" she called waving her hand for him to pay her attention.
"I'm good" he waved at her "I'm sitting with my best friend" he turned to smile at me, I felt like the cat that had gotten the cream, there was another way to deal with bullies, thrive despite them. Easier said than done I hear echos, and you're right, not everyone has a Sam, but is that because you're too focused on being a bully to have your head turned, think on, word of advice, look out for your bully whisperer.
